The other night I got sucked into the vortex of mindless internet browsing when I came across fashion trend predictions for 2017. Guys, I am giddy with excitement over what is in store for fashion. I am pretty sure high end designers all over the world got together at some fancy schmancy design convention and decided that frazzled, overworked, stay-at-home moms like myself would be serving as inspiration for their 2017 fashion collections.
I for one feel honored.
Here are some of my favorite looks that we moms can look forward to in the upcoming year.
We are gonna be on FLEEK MY BITCHES!
Emilia Wickstead 2017 Collection — Holy Mother of Nightgowns! I still have my maternity gowns tucked away somewhere, pretty sure I have this in pink and blue. I couldn’t bare to part with those comfy frocks and I just knew this day would someday arrive. We can wear out maternity gowns around town guys! Those shoes look dangerously close to slippers, so I am going with it. Nightgowns and slippers up in here!
Ports 1961 Spring 2017 — Look ladies! Look at how sexy this trash bag accessory is. Watch out neighborhood! The McCarthy’s are about to be toting around floral trash bags. Now we can all strut the driveway rocking our matching patterned-trash bag ensemble.
Fenty X Puma Rihanna — No Zika virus for this lady. That fancy little net attached to her outfit gives her added protection while making her feel like a million bucks. This one is an absolute MUST for all mommies to be in 2017. Money savvy moms take note. You can keep this and rock it at Halloween as a Sexy Bee Keeper. I bet you no one has that outfit pinned on Pinterest. You’re welcome.
Isabel Marant Spring 2017 — Ohhhh, loving this one. Let’s coin this outfit “Mom’s Menstrual Cycle Wear.” I bet this thing will easily hide all of my back fat, my water retention and bloat. I think I might even be able to put that whole hood around my head, cinch it and disappear from the world for a bit. Now you see mommy…now you don’t. It is even the color of shit, which is precisely how I feel for the duration of my period. Those high end designers really get us everyday moms don’t they?
Markus Lupfer Spring 2017 — How sentimental. This designer allowed his seven year old daughter help create this line I am guessing. If I tell my girls to come downstairs all dressed this is something that they normally pair: fancy shirt and athletic pants.
Gucci Spring 2017 — Can bikinis as clothes just go ahead and die now? Maybe this is supposed to inspire me to lose the baby belly and tone my abs up so that I can rock this bitch to Spring Conferences at the kids’ school. It isn’t working.
Isabel Marant Spring 2017 — Oh good mommies! Rolling up to your kid’s soccer game in pants that are twelve inches too short and ruffled at the bottom is all the rage next year. Well I am in luck. I have about seventy pair of these in my girls’ drawers. I bet you if I try really hard I can squeeze my fat ass into a few of them and look exactly like the model in the above picture.
Alexander Wang Spring 2017 — Wow. This one is for all my SAHM’s who rock the car line each and every morning. We don’t even have to get out of our bathrobes to drop the kids off anymore! This chick didn’t even bother with the shirt…ballsy. It is a good thing I own an abundance of bathrobes in multiple colors.
I don’t know about you, but I am pretty excited about these up and coming trends. If you need me, I’ll be in my closet pitching all of my skinny jeans and boho shirts to make room for nightgowns, garbage bags and bathrobes.