Photo: US Department of Education via Flickr

I’d rather change my name to MC HB aka Tenacious Cakes and tour the country spitting mad rhymes about the dangers of Easy Bake Ovens than go through another IEP Meeting.

Which is to say I do not want to continue preparing for my son’s meeting scheduled for tomorrow.

See, if you want to make the most of the conference from hell, you have to prepare. There is a lot of legal jargon you must get through to understand your child’s rights. Then there are the acronyms…

So. Many. Acronyms.

IDEA, ADA, FAPE, SP, OT, SLP, SPED, ABA…

OMG! Honestly, you need a degree, or at least a lot of time to get to know these bad boys.

ALL PARENTS WITH SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS HAVE TONS OF FREE TIME

Yeah right. It’s maddening. And just when you think you can’t possibly take anymore…it’s time for the meeting!

Everyone there is stressed…SPED officials have deadlines, and they are under incredible amounts of pressure, and it’s part of their job to tell you what your kid cannot do.

I have been a total stress case over this IEP for over a month now.

Today I needed a break. So, I put together this list of all of the things I’d rather do than read case law, study acronyms, and, finally, attend the IEP meeting.

1. Read the explicit lyrics to “Get Low” by Lil Jon to a group of Senior Citizens

2. Justify my credit card charges to my husband…to his face

3. Run down the beach next to Giselle Bundchen in matching bikinis on live television

4. Get my Lady Business waxed into the shape of a question mark

5. Roller skate through Walmart asking strangers if they are “The Gatekeeper.”

6. Get stuck in an elevator with Jay Z and Solange Knowles

7. Bathe a feral cat

8. Hang out in the airport smokers lounge while suffering from a stomach virus

9. Eat sushi from the sketchy Ethnic restaurant in the Atlanta Airport

10. Sing the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl making sure to raise my finger to point when I “hit the high notes” (I can’t sing)

11. Argue with an overly enthusiastic mother who feels powerful because    somebody gave her a clipboard

12. Cover my body with spray adhesive, roll in glitter & offer myself up to the Mississippi mosquitos in July

13. Post a photo of myself with my tongue out on Facebook

14. Drink a tall glass of curdled milk after ingesting whatever is in that Tupperware container in the back of my refrigerator

15. Touch everything at the Pediatrician’s office-toys, doorknobs, magazines-without washing my hands or using Germ-Ex after

16. Wear a Leisure Suit to all of my daughter’s ballgames without offering anyone an explanation

17. Clean the port-o-potties after a Phish concert without gloves

18. Balance my checkbook

19. Star in a Urinary Incontinence Commercial

20. Trade in Wifi for Dial Up

21. Go Live on Facebook from my bathroom during a colon cleanse

22. Parallel Park

23. Wear crocs

24. Watch a marathon of Sarah McLachlan SPCA Dog commercials with my sensitive nine year old daughter

25. Go back to high school

Has the stress gotten to me and fried my brain?

Am I the only one who feels this way?

Please let me know how you deal with the stress of the IEP in the comments!