Oh, husbands.

Mine tries very hard to keep the peace and wants nothing more than for me to be happy. While I appreciate this very much, it doesn’t take away from the fact that he says stupid shit on the reg. Rolling my eyes is now an involuntary reflex when his mouth opens. My hope is that by the time the kids go to college, he’ll have his mouth filter in good working condition, otherwise he may not make it to see the kids in college.

1.) Could your breast milk be making the baby spit up? Oh yes, honey, it must have been the jar of habanero peppers I ate this morning, or perhaps the 5 heads of cabbage from last night? Why is it that if  you have a baby that’s a bit more fussy or spits up more than usual, people automatically assume your toxic diet is producing poison breast milk? I think I threatened that I would strap the electric pump on his man boobs and turn it on full blast for 6 hours if he asked me this question one more time.

2.) Go take a nap. This is another one of life’s little luxuries that get tossed in the diaper pail when you have kids. One of two things happens if I try to take a “nap”. Either my 2 year old will psychopathically bust down the door like to tell me she wants to watch Daniel Tiger, or the baby will start screaming for my toxic breast milk.

3.) Why don’t you try to go to bed earlier? That’s cute. You see, my day doesn’t end as soon as the kids are asleep. Look around, do you not see an explosion of plastic toys and books in our living room? Or the mountain of nasty, 5 day old dishes sitting in the sink? I’ve got things to do, and when the kids are finally asleep at the end of the day, this is the only time I can do anything. So, don’t tell me to go to bed earlier like it’s a no-brainer, easy-as-pie thing to do. It’s the only time I can sit down and zone out, so leave me alone.

4.) Just give me a minute to go to the bathroom. This is the oldest trick in the book. I know you’re on your phone catching up with the world news, and you can be damn sure I will send you a text message to get off your phone, wipe, flush, and get the hell out of the bathroom. Let’s make something clear- if I can birth our children faster than you can take a shit, we have a problem and I might just sign you up for a colonoscopy to get that problem fixed.

5.) Can I do something? This usually gets asked when both kids are in full blown, exorcist-st‌yle meltdowns. Sure you can do something. Go grab a bag of popcorn and watch this shitshow explode before your eyes! Or go finish reading the USA Today article that I so rudely made you stop reading when you were “going to the bathroom for one minute”. Next time he asks this, I am going to say with all sincerity that he can wash the floors and polish the silverware.

At the end of the day, I am so grateful to have a partner that tries to be the best husband and father for our family. Being able to laugh and give each other a hard time for the dumb things we say helps lighten things up when times are tough. I can only imagine how long and crazy the list of things I say would be if my husband created one for me!

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