I bet you clicked on this post to expecting to read something fun and simple like, “10 Easy Ways to Prepare for New Motherhood!” Sorry, you won’t find that here, not really.

Because nothing—I mean nothing—can truly prepare you for the excruciating love you feel for this new tiny human. Nothing can prepare you for the sleepless nights, the overwhelming worry, the completely abnormal fascination and pride that comes with every. Single. Thing. Your baby. Does.

(But we can try!)

So, if you’re expecting a baby, and you want to really know what to expect out of motherhood, here are a few things you can try.

  1. Stop showering for several days at a time.
  2. Set your alarm randomly through the night, at anywhere between five minutes to two hour increments. Each time it goes off, do a lap around the house, while holding something fragile, like your grandmother’s crystal—without collapsing. Repeat.
  3. Dirty dishes. Prepare yourself for motherhood (and all the letting go that comes with it) by allowing your sink to sit full of dirty dishes for multiple days. Better yet, do those dishes and find a way to magic them dirty again within 30 minutes of washing them. (I’m sure  your hubs can help with that.)
  4. Color on the walls with marker. The walls, the couch, your favorite yoga pants. Research different ways to remove marker from various surfaces around your house. (Helpful hint: Dry erase markers are not friendly to walls. Don’t ask me how I know.)
  5. Borrow someone’s sick kid (it’s flu season, you’ll find them), and wear a little vomit on the shoulder of your shirt. Forget it’s there, and continue to wonder where that smell is coming from as you sanitize every surface of your home, but one: you.
  6. Sit for hours at a time snuggling a small creature, smelling its head and completely blissed out, for long, long hours after you’ve had to pee and your legs are falling asleep.
  7. Get into yoga. You’ll need those stretches to be able to reach halfway across the bed with your pinky toe to grab your phone because baby fell asleep on the boob again and you can’t reach it.
  8. Go into your closet and place at least 10 articles of unworn clothing into the laundry pile, every day.
  9. Buy a Roomba. Smear peanut butter on the bottom of the Roomba and set it to run all day. Try to clean up after it. (Side note/epiphany: every mom should add a Roomba to their baby shower registry)
  10. Allow barn animals into your home. Try to retain sanity.
  11. Get yourself a drink in a green cup. No, now a red cup. Try a blue cup now. Just kidding, you’re not thirsty anymore.
  12. Decide you need to eat mac and cheese. Realize you don’t have any. Go to the store, come home, fix mac and cheese. Decide you hate mac and cheese.
  13. Analyze and Doctor Google everything. Every bath product in your home, every red bump on your arm, why you didn’t sleep well last night. Don’t sleep because you are worried about the toxicity level in your sheets and the LED light in your bedroom and convince yourself they’re the reason you aren’t getting any rest.

I’d like to tell you that these simple steps and practices will completely help you prepare for motherhood, and what it’s like to become a parent.

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But it won’t.

As a former nanny who had raised several babies, I thought I would have this motherhood gig in the bag. I could change diapers with the best of them, swaddle with ease. Every book, sleep bible and baby terminology was read, practiced…

I was going to be the Best Freaking Mother Ever.

But the second the doctors laid that warm, cheese-covered ball of mush on my chest, it occurred to me: I have no freaking clue what I’m doing.

And I didn’t. (Maybe, I still don’t.) Some days, I’m completely failing. I yell, then I hide from them, then I cry for a moment of peace (or sanity), then I hug the shit out of them because I can’t believe I got to grow these amazing, kind, brilliant, hilarious little humans.

I wish I could tell you the secret to rocking motherhood. Hell, I wish I knew the secret to rocking motherhood. But, here is what I can tell you, the one tip I know deep down in my bones, about how to prepare for motherhood:

Do your research. Ask questions. Know this too shall pass. Let go of the worry. Throw your books out the window (after reading them) and do what works for you, and your family and your kids.

No mom ever went wrong by trusting her gut.

Sending love to you, new mama.

You got this.

 

Featured Photo Courtesy: Raising Lauren’s Littles

 

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