I’ve gained weight recently, so I’ve been doing a ton of research on what is the BEST possible way to have healthy-skin-hair-nails-sleep-sex-drive-skinny-waist and strong bones.  I want to wake in the morning energized, refreshed and have energy to spare by the end of the day. I want my skin to glow and I want to f&cking ROCK my jeans!

The info is out there but it can be daunting to read through everything, look up the science behind the claims and then to try and find recipes you actually want to eat. Since I’ve spent so much time reading, I figured I would make your life a little easier and summarize everything for you; all in one place!

Breakfast:

Smoothies! Oh the variety, like this one:

1 c. chopped red cabbage

1/2 red bell pepper

1 roma tomato

5 medium strawberries

1/2 c. raspberries

8 oz. cold water

1 ice cube [optional] – (just one, because too much ice is…cold)

If you want to know what despair tastes like, make that.

I decided to start with almond milk, kale, protein powder, banana and blueberries; sweet and filling. Then I read that’s too much fruit sugar first thing in the morning, so I cut out the fruit.

Oh, and protein powders with sweeteners are bad (natural or artificial, unless it’s from Stevia which is ok because it’s plant based. Oh wait, nope that’s not ok because it’s still confuses your pancreas) and the powders without sweeteners taste like ass, so I cut that out.

A recent study showed almond milk is hardly “almond” at all and mostly fillers, so I just used water.

So water and kale smoothie. Or eggs, lots and lots of eggs.

Lunch:

Wraps – these are so wonderfully versatile! I opted not to get the Paleo wraps which consisted of coconut meat, coconut water and coconut oil – I just couldn’t. I opted for whole grain, high protein tortilla wraps and filled one with turkey lunchmeat, spinach, hummus and tomato.

Then I researched the alkaline diet, that my massage therapist recommended, which says grains are bad and I read that lunchmeat is bad overall – even the organic kind. I cut the wrap and turkey out, which was ok, because the tortilla was dry, hard and tasted like wood.

Then a friend told me hummus is really hard for your body to digest – the beans – and causes excess gas and bloating so that was out.

So spinach and tomato, on…a plate.

Dinner:

I really thought I had this one figured out. I would do some lean protein or fish, quinoa and a salad.

Meat needs to be grass fed, lived outdoors, suckled until it felt “ready” to ween, cuddled at least 30 mins daily and only from within a 50 mile radius of my house (something to do with local allergens or some voodoo). I couldn’t find that meat at my local grocer. Meat was out. The fish needs to be wild caught, sustainable and even then, probably has micro beads in it, so I stayed away from fish.

Ok, I could do some yummy quinoa and salad.

But then I remembered grains are bad (by now, I’m so effing hungry I can’t recall why) and on some diets, you can’t eat grains and veggies at the same time. It messes up the digestive process and enzymes. F********ck.

I’m left with salad.

Dessert:

There is no dessert! And don’t try and sell me on the frozen banana only ice cream or the gluten free, sugar free, grain free, taste free cakes either. I can tell the difference; I’m on to you!

You can have an apple. Doesn’t that sound yummy and all comfort food like? Oh, simply bake it for a bit with a dash of cinnamon so it tastes like NO APPLE PIE EVER!

I did find this little drink, (I’m not getting paid for promoting it). It tastes like life and really does give you a pep in your step.

Key takeaways:

You can eat spinach, kale and tomato. And water.

OR …

You can do what I did and go to SEES candy, get a box of chocolates to pair with your delicious wine or cocktail of choice and smile again. But only the small box because, hello – DIET!