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Thoughts of a Motherless Mom on Mother’s Day…

Superpowers:

Since you passed away, I’ve discovered I have a superpower, an ability that saves me when a sea of grief threatens to swallow me up whole. It’s simple, yet profound, like oxygen to lungs that burn for breath.

It was granted to me the day you died. And, although it never gets easy, it grows stronger with time and helps me survive in this world without you, when doing so feels impossible.

I have the power to shift, and I’ve mastered it…most days.

I can shift my mind to other things, my attention elsewhere. ANYWHERE. Except the thought that you’re gone, nowhere to be found on this earth. I’ll never hear your voice again or feel the warmth of your embrace this side of Heaven.

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On any given normal day, I’m really good at shifting. But, on Mother’s Day, I find it nearly impossible. And, honestly, I dread it.

 

A Tsunami:

Reminders of you are EVERYWHERE. From the heart-wrenching, Mom commercials that leave me reeling, like this one from Gatorade a few years back, to the store ads and the card aisle…even strolling through HEB isn’t safe!!

I can’t escape the memories that flood my mind like a tsunami, emerging without warning, reminding me that no matter how hard I search for you, you’ll never be found. I’ll never buy another Mother’s Day card again.

HOW DO I DO THIS WITHOUT YOU?!!

Sadness engulfs me. I can hardly breathe as waves of grief crash relentlessly over me, knocking me down and sweeping me under again and again. Warm tears stream down my face.

Then suddenly I hear a voice in the distance….

“Mom, are you okay?”

…and in that moment I feel it. A shift. It’s happening.

A mother arises where a daughter once stood.

 

An Unexpected Rescue:

It turns out there’s a force even greater than the waves of grief that threaten to consume me right up. It’s the greatest superpower of all.

LOVE.

Love that comes from the ones who call ME Mom, who are here, right now, excited to celebrate with ME on Mother’s Day. As much as I long for days passed, I know what you’d say. It’s time to shift into the present, to soak up MY time of being celebrated as a mom and enjoy every minute of it before it’s gone. And, as always, you’d be right.

Waves calm. Deep breath. Now shift.

Although my soul will never stop aching to see you one last time or call you and hear your sweet voice, I will choose to take hold of this force that’s more powerful than grief. One you taught me well. I will choose to shift my gaze to what’s up ahead, rather than focusing on what’s behind. And, I will honor you by loving my children well.

So that one day, when it’s my turn to leave this earth behind, and they must face Mother’s Day without me, they will be able to shift, too. Not because they won’t miss me, but because they will have the very same power within them that I have today. A legacy of LOVE that you left behind. One that will be passed down for generations to come.

The love of a Mother is a powerful force to be reckoned with.

This post originally appeared on Midland Moms Blog.