The baby is almost due. That means that for months and months, you’ve been focused on baby preparation, especially if it’s your first—taking care of another human being may be the biggest responsibility you’ll ever face. Even if you’ve managed to shut out the external pressures put forth by well-meaning family, baby catalogs, and the media, the truth is that all your attention and energy points to baby: Getting the room ready, buying diapers and clothes, planning potential childcare needs, and just the sheer discomfort of pregnancy.
There’s a lot going on! But wait—there’s a very important piece of baby preparation being lost among the chaos: your relationship.
Yes, your relationship—the state of it, and the idea of nurturing it—is critical when thinking about baby. Because when the baby comes, everyone’s schedule gets turned upside down and there’s little time or energy to work on your relationship. The idea that babies bring relationships closer together is a complete myth; the truth is a high-stress/little-sleep situation puts extreme strain on even the strongest relationships.
That’s why the most important time to work on your relationship is after the baby comes. And the best way to ensure that is to start thinking about strategy before baby comes. Here are six critical tips to consider during that time:
1. Plan to check-in with each other. Taking care of a newborn is hard. When you throw in so many variables, from potentially returning to work to nursing difficulties to health issues, it can feel overwhelming—and the way it feels overwhelming can be different for each parent. Use a regular check-in time to have honest conversations. If you’re struggling, come clean about it. And if your partner is struggling, ask what you can do to help. The worst thing that can happen is for one of you to feel ignored at this point, so make sure to check-in.
2. Make a plan for a babysitter now. Whatever you did as a couple before baby, whether it’s a movie night or dinner out or video games, make regular time to partake in it after the baby comes. This time is special and is a good reminder that you’re both parents and people. Get a head start by reaching out to your friends and family before the baby arrives to see who’s willing to be a sitter at least once a month.
3. Make regular time for self-care. Self-care is as important as couple time. After all, healthy couples require healthy individuals. Whether that means making time to go for a walk or take a long quiet bath, make sure you as partners have a system in place where you can allow for this replenishing individual time.
4. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s very common to try and hunker down and go it alone, especially during the early weeks of after the baby is born. But remember that you’ve got your support system of friends and family. Even if that means someone delivers a meal or covers you for an hour so you can take a shower and check your email, these people are there and their offers of support are genuine. There’s absolutely zero shame in accepting them—it doesn’t make you less of a parent. In fact, it makes you a better parent by understanding your limits and resources while modeling this behavior for your child.
5. Use smart conflict management. People don’t perform at their best when they’re stressed, tired, or hungry. Having a baby, particularly a fussy one who’s refusing to adapt to sleep schedules or other common-but-difficult issues exacerbates all of that. This means that when the parents are arguing, it can devolve quickly. Make a pledge to review smart conflict management before you become parents—from “I” statements to active listening to know when to take a break, this preparation will build safety nets that ensure things never cut too deeply.
6. Schedule sex: Remember sex? Yes, that really wonderful thing you used to do as a couple—spontaneous, intimate, and fun. Like everything, that precious event becomes much harder to fit in with a baby, and even as children grow older. The “spontaneous” element of sex may never return the way it was before the baby arrived, which means it’s important for your relationship to schedule it in. But don’t think of it as monotonous and planned; instead, consider it a special stay-in date strictly for you two.
Becoming a parent is a massive shift that changes everything in your life: your schedule, your priorities, your focus, and yes, even your sex life. But building a strategy before the baby comes can help steady the ship through the roughest waters. And remember, a strong relationship isn’t just good for your marriage. Studies show that marital conflict is absorbed by children and later surfaces as a greater likelihood for depression and other mental health issues. So step up for your entire family when you have the opportunity. By having these conversations before the baby, you’ll be in a much better spot to navigate life after the baby—and everyone benefits from that.
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