Photo: Mama du Jour

There are words that are only relevant at certain stages of life. For example, I stopped using the word “clubbing” as in “Let’s go clubbing this weekend!” a long, long time ago. Right now, I’m knee deep in the “mom words” stage of my life. I say things like poo-poo, pee-pee, and ba-ba all day, every day. There are words in my mom vocabulary that I wish could be banned from the dictionary. They are no good and usually conjure up feelings of horror and despair. 

Here are the eight words I want the masters of the dictionary to ban:

Episiotomy – This has to be one of the worst words in the English language, like it literally sends chills down my spine when I hear it. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Blow out – Not the kind that leaves you feeling like a million bucks after a trip to the salon- the kind that creeps all the way up your baby’s back and leaves poop underneath your fingernails. You would never think something so tiny could produce so much poop. Blow outs always happen at the worst times- while you’re out shopping or 3 am when you’re deliriously tired.  

Engorgement – This is Mother Nature’s cruel way of telling you it’s time to feed the baby, and it’s the only alarm clock that you can not ignore otherwise you’ll have two big, wet spots of breast milk running down your shirt. There’s nothing like the whole world knowing your boobs are about to explode (or hot breastmilk running down your stomach).

Meltdown – The true test of motherhood. Meltdowns are soul crushing, spirit breaking, vicious tantrums that usually result from hunger-anger, refusal of candy, denial of running into traffic, ending of a play date, or bed time. 

Spit up- babies don’t make sense sometimes. They’re hungry all the time, and as soon as you finish feeding them, they just barf it all up. Whether you’re breastfeeding or formula feeding, spit up is so frustrating. All that time and money (for formula feeders!) goes down the drain. Laundry piles up faster then you can keep up with. You question all the time- if they’ve spit up everything they consumed, if they’re getting enough nourishment, if they’re still full, if they’ll be hungry sooner…spit up throws curveball after curveball at you. 

Nipple Shields – The dreaded shallow latch. Ugh. Nipple shields are like condoms for your boobs, to protect your poor areolas from getting torn to pieces. The fact that there’s an invention to prevent your nipples from falling off just downgrades motherhood completely. Props to all the moms that have to shield their nipples to feed their babies!

Colic – Something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Hours of unrelenting crying is baptism by fire into motherhood. There is no rhyme or reason to it. They cry and cry over nothing, and the only cure is time. When you’re sleep deprived and overwhelmed by all the needs of your newborn, spending hours walking, bouncing, shushing, and singing is unbearable and will break down even the toughest ones out there.

Medela – You can take your breast pump, storage bags, and flanges and go straight to hell. 

I’m sure there are a lot of words I forgot, but I am tired. I’ve changed 10 blow outs, calmed 340 meltdowns, and my boobs are engorged so I have to go pump. Yay motherhood!