I just want to be alone.
It’s not because I don’t love you or that I don’t like you anymore. I just need my own space so I can appreciate everything that has happened in the last almost fifteen years of our marriage. I want to be able to feel grateful for having a husband that cares about everyone so deeply. Someone who has a mission to spread good and only good for people. And I also want to feel gratitude for being blessed with two lovely and ever-lively boys whose intelligence challenge mine all the time.
But we both know that life is so busy that I can’t be alone anytime I want. You may think that because I’m a stay-at-home-mom, I should have all the time in a day to do whatever I want. I wish that too. That’s why I often wonder if the speed of time has actually changed into a faster mode. Because I always feel that I haven’t done much at the end of the day. But then again, housekeeping, cooking, making sure our sons happy and well, sometimes gardening, food shopping and everything else in-between does take time. So I shouldn’t be surprised to finish the day with no hour for myself really.
Therefore, I do want to be alone, my dear husband.
Not because I don’t enjoy your company anymore. But because I need to listen to my own self without any other voice coming into my ears and confuse my own thoughts. I’ve been listening to you and others in the past almost-fifteen-years. And everything that I listened to has helped me learn a lot. And I like to think they have improved me as well. But it’s time for me to listen to my own voice. As I can feel the tiny teeny screaming sound deep down my heart. I have to run for her. Myself.
Because the voice within me needs distraction-free attention as it reminds me of things that I used to dream. When it’s finished, I may have to think of what to do as my next steps. And it’s quite a big dream which demands hard work. But I’m not afraid. I’m used to working my socks off. I’m ready for it.
So let me be alone, dear husband.
I promise you it has nothing to do with you or anyone. I just feel like being on my own and minding my own thoughts. That’s why I don’t want to go with you to see your family. It’s not because I don’t like your sisters, your brothers, your in-laws, your nieces, your nephews or their spouses. I don’t think you appreciate how hard it is for me to be so far from my parents, my siblings, my own nieces and nephews, for years and years. Especially when I realize that I’m getting older and I don’t know what’s around the corner.
Although I might not say it out loud, I do miss my family a lot. Everyday. God knows how I want to see them more often. And I understand that we don’t have the luxury of buying airplane tickets every year like some people. I don’t compare ourselves to them. Because I know that we’re in a far better place than millions of people out there. We’re richer than the homeless people around us who always render thanks to us whenever we cook homemade food for them. Or the domestic-violence-survivors with whom we share our food shopping. We’re also luckier than those refugees-from-war-zone. I know that we’re having a much better life than lots of people. But I still miss my family. So forgive me if I say I want to be alone, dear husband.
So I need time to clear my head and make peace with my mind. I promise I won’t take long. But until then, I need to tell you, I want to be alone, my dear husband.