Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week: May 24, 2019

In retrospect, trying to change my toddler’s diaper while she was brandishing two wooden mallets was probably not the wisest decision

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) May 19, 2019

5: play transformers with us! I’m Optimus Prime and you are a decepticon.

Me: I’m not doing anything til I’ve have my coffee

5: you’re a cranky decepticon.

— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) May 20, 2019

My son calls turkey his “birthday meat” because he was born in November. Now I think everyone should have a “birthday meat”.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) May 21, 2019

With summer coming, I can’t wait for family swim time where the kids try to drown me while my wife relaxes by the pool.

— The Dad (@thedad) May 20, 2019

I told my 9-year-old she couldn't have an ice cream sandwich because we need to finish off the leftover birthday cake first.

Welcome to her villain origin story.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2019

My toddler and I have similar life goals-

Basically just make it through the day without peeing our pants.#34weekspregnant#squishedbladder

— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@PedersenAhmed) May 21, 2019

Crazy that I stay up late every night and consistently feel like crap the next day but will never do it differently because I’m a mom and that’s the only peace and quiet I get.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 21, 2019

5: what does “damn” mean?

Me: OH! *fumbling* Well that’s a really bad word that refers to hell and bad people and death and yea… not good.

5: Whoa cool! Aidens mom just said it was a beaver house!

— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) May 23, 2019

Parenthood:
Because yelling,
“We cannot leave until you go potty!”
just doesn’t look right in other relationships

— FakeAdultMom (@fakeadultmom) May 23, 2019

I’m not saying that adults are boring and unimaginative, but no adult has ever made me a picture covered in stars, rainbows, and ice-cream-cone-cat-unicorns.

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) May 23, 2019