As school is quickly approaching (and has already arrived for some), I’ve thought of some ways that I can embarrass my 2 elementary-aged kids. I have vivid memories of my father standing outside of his 1985 Buick LeSabre waving at me in the circle drive at the middle school like he was trying to direct a Boeing 747 his direction. Let me repeat– he stood OUTSIDE of his car. Leaning against it. When you’re in middle school, that’s tragically uncool. While I didn’t appreciate it then, I think it’s hilarious now. I want to be like my father, except I want to be the most embarrassing school mom.
So, I’ve come up with a list of 10 things that can make anyone the most embarrassing school mom:
1. Skip through the parking lot hand-in-hand with your child. Make sure you skip right in front of the car drop-off line so all of their friends can see them. Do it every day for the first few weeks of school despite their protests. The older your child, the more embarrassing it is for them. Relish in it.
2. Be sure to cry loudly and wail at the front door when they walk in. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a major eye-roll in return, but most kids will just pretend they don’t know you even when another kid turns to your child and says, “Hey, isn’t that your mom? Is she okay?”
3. Make sure to shout, “Don’t forget to wipe after you go potty!” as soon as they walk in the front door. This will most likely elicit giggles from other students, but you’ll get the total stink eye from your child.
4. Show up to the school wearing a personalized t-shirt that says “Johnny’s Mom” (well, if your child isn’t “Johnny” then you may want to put a different name on there) and wave at him like a zoo animal through the classroom windows.
5. Surprise him for lunch on the first day of school with your personalized t-shirt. Make sure to ask if he wiped after going potty. On your way to the cafeteria, stop by the nurse’s office and talk to her about Johnny’s constipation issues.
6. Walk Johnny back to his classroom after lunch and meet the teacher. Remind her about his constipation issues and his irrational fear of apples. Confirm that there is no mention of “apples” in today’s curriculum.
7. Wearing the “Johnny’s Mom” shirt, creep outside the fence where recess/PE normally is. Wave your hand made sign “Go Johnny!” outside of the gate. Relish in the embarrassment when your child spots you.
8. When it’s time for pick-up, you are already there (since you’ve been there all day embarrassing your child). However, make sure you are the first one in the car pick-up line, roll down your windows and turn on the most embarrassing music for your child. For maximum embarrassment, I like to choose Barry Manilow.
So, if being an embarrassing school mom isn’t your thing, then you probably don’t want to do any of the above things. For my the sake of my children’s future therapy bills, I’ll probably stick with just a few of the above.
I’m off to go pick up my kids from school. If they’re lucky, they’ll be hearing “Copacabana” play loudly as they walk up to the car.