Before it happened to you, the change seemed like a long way off. You’ve still got toddlers, for crying out loud! But the change isn’t menopause. No. The change is what happens when you become your own mother. And like menopause, it happens to everyone. It starts when you realize that your mom’s voice isn’t just in your head or on your speed dial. No, it’s actually emanating from your own body. Sound familiar? You’ve probably already begun. Read on to find out what to expect, and symptoms that might cause you to seek professional help.
1. You find yourself adding cheese to everything. What’s for dinner? Cheese. What should I bring? I know—a cheese tray. You know what that frozen pizza needs a little more of? Yep. Cheese.
2. You have weird fears. Your mom made you believe that every rotating fan was moments away from chopping off your fingers. It’s possible that your kids believe that an escalator moonlights at a sausage factory, and they’re next. Just possibly.
3. You have a cure-all. Like the dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding who believed that Windex worked on everything, you too have a magic potion. Triple antibiotic, Zyrtec, and hydrogen peroxide are likely suspects.
4. You use euphemisms for “asshole” when you’re driving. Your kids think you have lots of friends named “Jack” who you frequently see on the road.
5. You use saliva as a last minute cleaning method. We’re all guilty.
6. You are not afraid to exert your dominance on the car radio. Why can’t she just let me listen to Wilson Phillips every. minute. I’m. awake? You might have asked. Now you get it. And you dominate Kidz Bopp like you’re Dorian Gray.
7. You freak out. You try. You really, really try, but sometimes, you just freak out. One confirmed case of lice at the preschool and you’re blowing $150 on professional nit pickers and lemon scented hair spray. And your kids are on a play date sabbatical for life.
8. You make crazy faces while using a happy voice on the phone. The crazy face usually translates into take one step closer to me and I’ll give you something to whine about, or I told you I needed 5 minutes to make this call now you’re going to give it to me, or you’re going to regret it, little boy. Something along those lines.
9. You are aware that your outfit and lack of hair and make up is a point of concern, but you don’t care. Honestly, people. If you’re showing up at a 7:30 a.m. muffins for mom soiree in the cafeteria fully clothed and coiffed, we clearly drink from different coffee carafes. It takes some serious caffeine to prime this pump.
10. You are the best at making them feel better. No matter the boo boo, nobody—except maybe their dad—can make them feel like everything’s going to be okay, better than you.
How have the body snatchers begun turning you into your mom? Tell us in the comments section below.
photo: Donnieray via flickr