These days, seems as though there’s a camp for every interest: sailing, soccer, hiking, robotics and even film-making. What if there was a place dedicated to the tasks and skills you long for the kidlets to master and complete without you having to ask twice (or 10 times)? From Pet Care 101 to Sibling Love, read on for a chuckle-worthy list of summer camps we wish existed.
photo: Myrtle Beach The Digitel via flickr
1. Take Care of Your Own Pet Camp
For the kids who swear “I’ll take care of it!” when discussing the possibility of adopting a shiny new pet. Daily routine includes being woken every two hours with lively sounds of the selected pet du jour being pumped into the bunk, then rising at dawn to begin the daily care routine. On-site experts help campers master the following skills: feeding, watering, bathing, nail-and-wing clipping, eye-booger cleaning and disposal, cage scrubbing, liter box upkeep, pet stain removal, proper dog walking, poop scooping and animal CPR.
Good to know: Campers requesting dogs will also be trained in the art of removing any number of things that manage to get lodged in canine digestive tracts— including popsicle sticks, chew toys, socks, and string.
photo: Personal Creations
2. Indoor Voice Coaching Camp
Taught in a state-of-the-art facility acoustically built to squelch and swallow noise, kiddos will master indoor voice techniques. Participants will be led through intense rounds of the silent game and be trained in the art of actually locating a parent (rather than screaming from three rooms away). During lunch hour, campers watch silent movies and listen to the first line of Hush, Little Baby set on repeat.
Good to know: Once your child has mastered the whisper, they’re eligible to enroll in advanced technical courses including miming, sign language and beginner-level communication via ESP.
photo: Emran Kassim via flickr
3. A Please Sit Still Sit-in
Your wiggle worms will learn the ability to remain motionless for minutes on end, without feeling the need to ninja-kick the surrounding landscape, karate chop a sibling’s face or dance circles around a person already well versed in will-you-just-sit-the-freak-still. Activities that discourage the use of appendages will be employed, including (but not limited to) being strapped into Velcro suits and delicately attached to Velcro walls.
Good to know: Mastering the highly-challenging skills at this camp come with big rewards!
photo: Brittany Randolph via flickr
4. Get Out of the House On Time Training
This training includes day-long sessions on topics such as Alarm Clock How-To, Teeth Brushing 101, and Sock Finding from A-Z. Quick breakfast snacks will be provided, but only after all campers are fully dressed, with backpacks and gear assembled by the cabin door. Timed runs in and out of car will follow breakfast, with a quick break at the park. Extra credit for doing timed runs back to the car from the swings!
Good to know: Campers will come home with full understanding of statements such as “No TV Before School!” and “Have You Seen My Keys/Purse/Sanity?”
photo: Vermont Area Public Library via flickr
5. Wipe Your Own Rear Retreat
Kids graduate from this sleep-away camp fully capable of flying solo on the potty. They’ll take classes that explore the differing, centuries-old philosophies behind wadding vs. folding, they’ll learn the concept of the courtesy flush (serving the the dual purpose of reducing aroma and clog risk), and they’ll study different styles of t.p. holders to become proficient in roll-changing. Afternoon activities include having campers use toilet paper to turn friends into mummies.
Good to know: For a minimal fee, you can add a plunging class— it comes with a toddler-sized plunger, plumber’s snake and galoshes.
photo: Maria Chambers
6. Toilet Scrubbing Continuing Education Course
Once your child has graduated from Wipe Your Own Rear Retreat, they are ready to fully immerse themselves in extra bathroom training. They’ll learn to look for and clean dribbles before flushing, so you aren’t the unfortunate victim of bad aim.
Good to know: Participants will receive a reusable toilet bowl scrubber, antibacterial toilet-cleaning wet wipes, and a fun target game to place in the bowl to encourage proper aim.
photo: Cyndy via flickr
7. Laundry 101
This master-level course will have kids picking up, sorting by color, removing tough stains, and ditching their current wad-and-stuff process after they learn to fold with the impressive skillfulness of a well-trained retail employee. Afternoon activities include wash-cycle training and fitted-sheet folding tutorials.
Good to know: Campers receive a complimentary stain stick, toddler-height ironing board, and a FlipFold folding tool, which will have them folding t-shirts in under 5 seconds.
photo: Maria Chambers
8. Sibling Survival Camp
Campers’ days will be remotely monitored in Hunger Games fashion for signs of dissension or disrespectful behavior. The only fighting allowed is the epic water balloon sort. Camp violations such as biting, wet willie delivery, strong or forceful hugging, pushing, pinching, punching, hair pulling or name calling will require the offender to lock themselves in a gentle embrace with the victim for a full 30 seconds.
Good to know: In order to graduate, campers will need to pass the backseat test: driving around the block until passengers can manage one trip without the words “he/she touched me!” being uttered (bonus points for using a car with no A/C in the dead of summer).
9. Pick Up Your Own LEGO Training Camp
Kids will learn to utilize their fingers as little claws perfect for grasping small LEGO strewn across the house; and will work towards mastering gross motor skills such as identifying and training muscles required for bending over, and the full rotation of the upper appendages (move arms in a crane-like fashion to get all LEGO from the floor to the designated storage device.) Intense training drills train budding builders to pick up, sort by type and color, and place LEGO in the appropriate location. They’ll race against an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner that taunts them with a see-through canister serving as a display case for LEGO lost by former campers.
Good to know: Techniques learned in this camp can be applied to picking up all sorts of objects: dirty clothes (see Laundry 101 Camp above), dishes, wet towels, My Little Ponies, matchbox cars, Pokemon cards, foam Nerf gun bullets and stuffed animals.
Got any summer camps you wished existed for kids? Make us laugh in the Comments!
— Maria Chambers & Gabby Cullen