There is something about a pregnant woman that makes people go, well, a little crazy. All social decencies get thrown out the window and boundaries cease to exist.

I mean the man sitting next to me on the bus has just as much of an “adorable” potbelly as I do and yet no one ever asks him if they can touch it, let alone just walk up to him and go in for the full on belly rub. Doggies everywhere, I now know how you feel!

What people feel comfortable saying, I think, can be even worse. Filter people! Use the filter! What is it about the sight of that pregnant belly that makes us think that whatever pops into our heads should and will come out our mouths?

So as we all proverbially “head back to school” this fall, here is my top five list of what not to say when you see that adorable pregnant mama and you just, well, can’t help yourself.

1.  “How many months along are you? Wow you are small!” 

Yeah and I had to pay for it with weeks of extra testing! We all turned out to be great, in case you were wondering. I am a small person and I just so happen to make small babies. “Genetics,” my OB would say.

2.  “I haven’t seen you in a few weeks, you have gotten HUGE.” 

Ok so maybe I popped. Or maybe I ate an entire tub of ice cream last night because it was the only thing that did not make me want to puke. Either way, “no thank you,” as my son would say.  

3.  “Wait you don’t know the gender? I could never do that, I cared too much.” 

Wait did you just say that I don’t care enough about my future baby to know whether or not it’s a boy or a girl? Well maybe I care a lot. Maybe I care too much.  If it’s a girl I will eventually have  to move out of the apartment I love so much. Did I mention it’s rent controlled!?! If it’s a boy I will officially be outnumbered 3 to 1. So to save my and my husband’s sanity I choose surprise.

4. “I used to hate when I was pregnant that people would come up to me and say I was having a girl. You know, because girls steal your beauty.  So I thought great I look like crap. By the way, you are totally having a girl, right?” 

Ok so now I am the one that looks like crap? Thanks. Thanks a lot!  No I don’t know what I am having but guess I should have put on some make-up this morning.

5. “You still haven’t had the baby yet? You know what works? Sex! Lots of angry, aggressive sex!” 

Ok I am in my mid-30s and I should be totally comfortable talking about sex but, guess what, I am still not there yet. Particularly not without a cocktail in my hand, with someone I just met a few months ago, as we watch our kids run around the playground. And just for the record it doesn’t work.

So as you start the new school year and see some mamas you may have not seen in a while and maybe a few of them happen to be pregnant. Pull back that belly-reaching arm and keep those size/gender comments to yourself. Simply smile and say, “You look great!” That’s all any of us want to hear anyway, right?