Sorry we missed you. We are currently not checking email, Twitter, or your Facebook status updates detailing your $1,500 a night “glamping vacation.” We are enjoying our very own 3-day “ultimate staycation,” replete with onsite spa services, a fully-equipped kitchen, washer/dryer, children’s library, chef, butler and wi-fi, just steps from a beach, pool, waterfall, hiking trails and an 18-hole golf course.

We haven’t left the house.

Day 1
Oooh wee! That was a long trip from the back door down the porch steps to the start of our staycation, which begins on our moss-covered aggregate patio. My back hurts. Wah. Time for a massage. I’m opting for the hot stone treatment. The spa menu says that the stones will warm naturally from the Northwest’s own thermal temperature.

Wait. Why aren’t the rocks heating up?

Ah, well. We’re going for it anyway.

Okay, probably not the best massage in the world, but definitely not the worst.

Our accommodations include “indoor tent camping” which I think is a lot better than “outdoor tent camping.” No bugs, no drunken neighbors at nearby campsites, and a real live working toilet and sink ten feet away. Now that’s what I call luxury!

Day 2
We woke up today feeling refreshed, full of energy and ready for adventure. The kids bounded out of the house and explored our onsite organic container garden. And do you know what they found? A TOMATO! In the Northwest! In August! Amazing. We feel blessed by the bounty of this harvest.

The sun came out for a few minutes so we decided to head to the beach.

Next up: extreme sports!

You’d think we’d be wiped out from all of today’s activity, but my son really wants to hike up to the waterfall. Whew! Another incredible adventure. We plugged it in and because there are so many mosquitoes and leaves clogging the thing, we barely got a trickle, but you know what? This is nature to the fullest and we’re soaking up every minute. What a day.

Day 3
It’s rise and shine as everyone’s up for a full day of golf! The brochure didn’t explain that we would need to dig those 18 holes ourselves but that’s okay. Not leaving our staycation-bound compound is shorthand for “some of us could use some exercise.”

Luckily, just as the last of the 18 holes were being dug (and before the man of the house arrived home to see what we’ve been up to) we got in a nice round with friends.

And that concludes our vacation.

So we gotta ask readers — what is your idea of the ultimate staycation? Hot stone massage? Extreme sports? Let us know in the comment section below how awesome your staycations have been this summer. 

— Allison Ellis (she even took the photos. After all, a staycation wouldn’t be complete without some sweet memories, right?)

Editor’s note: This tongue-in-cheek opinion piece is the second in a series of humor essays in a new parenting column for Red Tricycle called “Off The Handlebars.” Love it? Hate it? Let us know what you think.