ML Interest Tag: abortion

9 Ways to Build Trust with Your Tween

by Melissa Heckscher

While they won’t help with the inevitable eye roll, these tips can help you connect and build mutual trust

If you’ve got kids approaching the tween years, you’re probably a little nervous (ok, let’s be honest—totally freaked out) about what’s going to happen when that inevitable sprout of independence blooms. Will you still know what’s going on at school, after school, or with friends? And, most importantly: How will you stay connected and close? The answer? Mutual trust. We asked experts to tell us some of the best ways to build trust with kids before they become teenagers.

Here’s what they said about building trust with tweens

1. Talk to them!

According to Mindy McKnight, author of VIRAL PARENTING: A Guide to Setting Boundaries, Building Trust, and Raising Responsible Kids in an Online World, the most important thing parents can do to build trust with their kids is to talk to them. Like, REALLY talk. The mom of six says, “Do your best to have open and honest conversations as often as you can. Yes, talk about the easy stuff like friends, school, interests, and memories, but don’t be afraid to delve into the more difficult stuff as well. Like bullying, sexuality, puberty, and hormones. Parents should be the first (and most reliable) source of information when it comes to establishing the foundation for their newly-forming ideals and opinions.”

Of course, finding time to talk can be tough. Try getting a few words in at bedtime or on car drives, when your kids are less likely to be distracted by screens, homework, or siblings.

2. Listen carefully to their perspectives—and validate what they are saying to you.

“When I was 12, we visited my uncle, who worked as a fertility endocrinologist in California. He was discussing abortion with another adult in the room, and I vividly remember him turning to me and asking what my opinion was on the subject. At age 12, I’m not sure I even really knew enough to have an opinion, but I remember exactly how I felt when he believed I might have something important to say. I felt so important. Ask your tweens their thoughts on important subjects, and you might just be surprised by what they have to say. Conversations like these also help them to become more informed and to share their opinions in a mature and respectful way,” says McKnight.

3. Be specific when setting boundaries—and stick to them.

Consistency and reliability are important building blocks of trust. If you’re going to set rules, make sure you’re specific, and stick to the rules and the consequences you’ve laid out if they aren’t followed. “We love contracts in our family. They help us ensure we have discussed all the different rules, potential outcomes, and subsequent consequences in teen-sensitive areas like the usage of smartphones, laptops, social media, cars, etc. Be careful not to establish consequences that you won’t actually enforce. Your war will be lost before you even begin,” McKnight says.

4. Take interest in your tween’s interests.

“If you notice that they have a specific interest in something, like video games or fashion, be sure to make that an interest for you too,” Mcknight says. “Learn about it, and talk about it. Even if the activity isn’t something you particularly love. Taking part in it will help open up many opportunities to spend quality time with your child, and communication with them will become much easier. Try it, and you’ll be surprised at how well this works.”

Related: 5 Phrases to Avoid Saying to Your Tween

dad talking with his tween daughter
iStock

5. Answer their questions without judgment.

When a child or tween asks you questions about something—whether it’s something they saw on TV or something they heard in school—answer them without judgment. According to New York psychologist Sanam Hafeez, “Most parents just go into panic mode asking where they heard what they heard and then judging and getting negative. When kids feel as if they can communicate openly with parents without it turning into drama—or worse, accusations and arguing—they’ll be more trusting of their parents and will value their guidance and advice.”

6. Honor their personal space.

By age 8 or 9, privacy starts to become important to kids. Consequently, that’s when parents need to start respecting their personal space—for instance, always knocking on their door (or the bathroom door) instead of just barging in. “Respect and trust are intertwined. When a tween is concerned that their parents might move their things in their room, or think nothing about coming into the bathroom while they are showering, or randomly redecorate something in their room without first checking with them, it can fracture the trust,” Hafeez says. 

Note: If you have a house policy where all doors must be open a few inches, Hafeez said you can stick to that rule but still knock and peek in before swinging the door open. 

7. Lead by example.

If your eyes are constantly on your phone, and then you scold your kids for being glued to their iPads, they won’t be as willing to take you at your word. Be ready to “walk the walk” when you set rules for the family. Hafeez says, “Declaring you are going to revamp the way the family eats and then actually involve the tween in meal-planning… that could be a fun way to show that you stick to what you say you are going to do. This inspires trust and respect.”

8. Show your tween that you respect them.

Trust hinges on respect—and this respect should be mutual. So show your tweens that you respect them—even when they misbehave or disappoint you. When your child sneaks his iPad (again) on a school night, for instance, sit him down and admit that you’re disappointed. Ask him why he finds it hard to follow a particular rule and listen to his feelings about it. Whatever you do, don’t make rash statements like, “Why can’t you ever follow the rules?” or “We just can’t trust you.” Those statements just make kids feel like their parents don’t respect (or believe in) them. Parenting expert and former high school teacher Kara Carerro noted on her blog, “When a child grows up respected, they are more apt to confide in and trust their parents.”

9. Show your kids unconditional love.

Sure, you know that you love your kids unconditionally—but do they know? In this article, outreach specialist Tyler Jacobson says it’s important to show your kids that your love never diminishes or disappears. “The fact that you love them and want to rebuild your trust could go a long way to setting the tone for healing. Even when kids are little, it can be hard to forgive quickly, offer support for every little thing, and accept them for who they are NOW. But these are all ways to show unconditional love,” he says.

Related: 11 Things Tweens Think They’re Ready to Do, But Aren’t

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Advice That Every Mom Needs to Hear (Seriously)

By Lisa Aihara

mom kids tantrum

Ok, I’ll admit it, one of the most surprising and aggravating parts about parenting is advice from other parents. But hear me out, I think the reason why they’re usually so annoying is that they’re utterly useless most often than not, amiright? Oh really, we need to be patient with our kids when they’re throwing a tantrum? That is such a revolutionary idea Kim—I’ve just been screaming at them as my first line of defense up until now but let me go and give that a whirl! But as I’m knee-deep in toddler years with my first and about to embark on a second go-around with this whole child-rearing thing, I couldn’t help but think of all the lessons I had to learn in the trenches of baby sh*t (both emotionally and literally) that I wished were more mainstream so that moms could stop feeling guilty, helpless, and just miserable.

So here’s some advice that I want us to all start giving each other so that we could all cut ourselves some slack around here!

1. Set your priorities straight: if your baby is alive, you’re doing fine. I really wish someone told me this before I found myself on the couch pumping breastmilk naked while crying uncontrollably in those early weeks. It’s super cliché but I just fell in love with my son the moment the doctors plopped that little gooey cottage cheese covered monkey on my chest, and for the first time in my life I felt like my heart was bursting at the seams with a love that felt semi-familiar but so much more intense than anything I’ve known. That sounds all rainbows and unicorns, but what followed was anxiety, fatigue, and doubt, which is a disaster cocktail that just fuels each other into a dumpster fire of emotions where I felt like a failure every second.

But you know what? New parents deserve a gold star at the end of the day for keeping the damn thing alive. It literally CANNOT survive on its own because it’s quite incompetent at pretty much everything that is required to keep itself alive. Didn’t change the diaper right away because you happened to drift off? It’s not going to die. Didn’t realize that the mitten fell off and they scratched their eyelid? The red mark will be gone by tomorrow, their skin is like Wolverine. And yea, it’s going to be fine. Call it lowering the bar if you want, but I call it setting realistic expectations. Because when you become a parent, you realize that you are going to love this thing even if it never does anything worthy of an award, recognition, or even praise. You’re just happy for them to be alive. So yes, that is literally your only job.

2. Look to other cultures for “norms.” This was a big one for me. Luckily I’m bilingual in English and Japanese. I think my fellow children-of-immigrants can relate to this, or in homes that are multi-ethnic. I won’t lie, it also leads to a lot of heartache and conflict and full-on hormonal screaming deathmatches with your family too, but when the dust settled from these fights, it made me realize that there is no right way to raise a child. So when I would obsessively Google every burning question I had, I also Googled the same query in Japanese. This completely changed the way I thought about parenting best practices because I would see completely conflicting information. It was especially true for those hot-button topics that are so divisive you’d rather discuss abortion laws or whether 9/11 was an inside job (I’m talking things like breastfeeding, co-sleeping, sleep training… you know them). For example, Japanese people don’t expect kids to sleep alone until they start elementary school. Yea, that would take a ton of pressure off of moms who have kids like mine who refuse to sleep alone.

Now look, I know that we don’t live in Japan where they eat sushi during pregnancy—so our cultures are quite different, which means that parenting advice may not always translate. But what’s important is that those countries, despite having committed parenting sins that American parents would CRUCIFY you over, have raised healthy, smart, and capable children. That’s why I’ve been reading a lot about how other cultures raise their kids, and it has been transformative. We need to tell more mothers to lean into their multi-ethnic background or learn about different cultures because American doesn’t always mean best. In fact, some of our baby best practices have been built on consumerism, not science. #mindblown

3. Take all parenting advice like additional tools in your tool belt, not an end-all. This may seem like I’ve just negated everything I’ve said up to this point, but the truth is, it’s an attitude that could save your sanity. There is going to be so much information, opinions, studies, and “facts” thrown your way—more than you could ever imagine from the life you’ve led to this point. It is so easy to get overwhelmed at first and take everything as the gospel, but then you quickly realize that there is no universal truth, and sometimes these things contradict each other. So instead, take every new information as an invitation to look over the tools you’ve accumulated, and whether it has a place in your tool belt. Is it going to complement the tools you already have? Does it actually seem better than one of the ones you have, and will you replace it? Are you still unsure about it and will keep it close but not use it at this time? Know that your kid, your rules, and you and your parenting partner get to curate this tool belt together to fit the needs of your family.

This post originally appeared on Lisa Aihara.

Lisa Aihara is a writer and artist based in Los Angeles. When she's not busy keeping her toddler alive, she's growing another human and has no time for any BS. For an honest, practical take on motherhood, relationships, and just life's struggles through comics and stories, follow her on Instagram and her Blog.

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10 Questions My Kid Has Asked Me That I Was Totally Unprepared to Answer

by Leah R. Singer

We’ve all heard the expression that kids say the darnedest things. Well they ask some pretty crazy questions too. Here are ten questions my daughter has asked me at one time or another that I was not quite prepared to answer.

1. What’s an abortion? (Thank you, NPR)

2. What if we had no heads? (I don’t know, but sometimes I feel like I’m missing my brain.)

3. Why can’t I see God from the airplane? (I’ve got nothing.)

4. Why didn’t Santa Claus come to our house last year? Is it because we’re Jewish? (Oh look, a shiny object!)

5. What’s inside that box labeled Romeo (the deceased family dog) in the keepsake cabinet? (His spirit?)

6. Why won’t Siri answer my question? (Don’t get me started on Siri!)

7. How did the baby get inside that lady’s tummy (shouted from inside a crowded pizza restaurant)? (Have some dessert!)

8. Why can’t I pee standing up like boys? (I don’t know, but some boys shouldn’t be standing up either.)

9. Why is poop brown? (Google it!)

10. Why can’t I hang out with grandma by myself? (Because she has … “issues”)

What questions have your kids asked that you weren’t prepared to answer? What should we add to this list?

— Leah R. Singer

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Message Board Posting Guidelines

by drealestercontributor

Welcome to the Red Tricycle Community Guidelines. We created Red Tricycle Community to provide moms with a safe and unique place where they can connect with other moms, share experiences, share challenges, give and get advice, laugh, and do much more.

These Guidelines are here to help Red Tricycle  be a great place for as many moms as possible! Red Tricycle is a community where a mom can feel welcome and safe, and not be subjected to personal attacks or disrespectful behavior.

As the “owner”, the Red Tricycle Team will do our best to enforce the Guidelines of the Community, assist members with any questions, and provide a clean place for moms to spend their time.

Red Tricycle Guidelines – Rules of Conduct

The most important rule is to be respectful of all members of the site. General kindness to each other will enable the community to a place that will be open and welcome newcomers.

  • Be respectful of others.
  • Don’t harass, personally attack, or gang up on others.
  • Slurs, stereotyping, and hate speech are not tolerated.
  • Controversial topics and debate are great, but they should be done constructively. Be prepared for others to agree AND disagree with you and your ideas.
  • Use the Privacy and Security settings to control the privacy and security of your Red Tricycle experience.
  • Don’t post something just to inflame or annoy others.
  • Don’t ask other members for help in the form of money, gifts or donations.
  • Be respectful of others when posting any content that is adult in nature. Nude photographs or images are not allowed. Neither are photographs or images of abortion or depictions of violence.
  • Don’t share your personal information or anyone else’s information with someone unless you’re absolutely certain it is safe to share with that person. That includes anything another member shared with you in private.
  • Do not post under multiple accounts.
  • Help us keep Red Tricycle orderly by reporting any problems you see on the site including posts that break these rules and anyone you suspect doesn’t belong on Red Tricycle.
  • Don’t do anything criminal or illegal on Red Tricycle or encourage anyone else to do so.
  • You may discuss Red Tricycle policies, but only in Suggestions & Feedback in Red Tricycle Conversations.

Red Tricycle’s Responsibilities

The Red Tricycle Team will not look at every post, photo or comment made on the site nor do we guarantee the integrity of every member on the site. But, if we catch something that we believe violates our Community Guidelines or the Red Tricycle Terms of Service – because we noticed it or you reported it – we will review the situation and take appropriate action if necessary.

When you report something to us that you believe violates these Guidelines or the Red Tricycle Terms of Service, we will do our best to review it. We will not always agree with you that there is a problem. When we do agree, we will take the action that we feel is appropriate. For privacy reasons, we often will not be able to share the action that we have taken, but we take all reports seriously, and take appropriate actions when necessary. While we listen to our members, we have the final say on whether content or conduct is permissible under these Guidelines and our Terms of Service.

We always have the right to remove postings, warn members, suspend accounts, and/or cancel accounts to enforce these Guidelines or the Red Tricycle Terms of Service or as we deem necessary to maintain the integrity of the site or our business. Whatever action we choose to take, our decision is final. We will not always explain our actions, but rest assured we do not take these decisions lightly.

We generally won’t take action against older content that violates these Guidelines. We feel our efforts are better spent focusing on current issues on the site.

If we feel that by removing a post or a member we can make the site experience better for the rest of the members, we will do it. Or, we could decide that a posting that you find objectionable is within the Guidelines. You may not always think our decisions are fair and you may not always agree with us.

Your Responsibilities

By following these Community Guidelines, you will be doing your part to make Red Tricycle a great place for all moms to be. In addition, you have Privacy and Security tools to control who sees the content you post.

These Guidelines are a work in progress. We may revise these Guidelines at any time and without prior notice.>

Red Tricycle Detailed Rules of Conduct

Be respectful of others. It’s the most important thing for everyone on Red Tricycle. Try not to take things too personally.

Don’t harass, personally attack, or gang up on others. You can be opinionated and say that your opinion is better or different than another opinion. But don’t be nasty about it. Disagree with the opinion, not the person. Don’t name-call or try to rally support for your “side”.

Slurs, stereotyping, and hate speech are not tolerated. Slurs, hate speech and attacks aimed at any race, color, religion, national origin, disability or sexual orientation are not tolerated at all on Momburbia.

Controversial topics and debate are great, but they should be done constructively. Be prepared for others to agree AND disagree with you and your ideas.

  • When you post something, especially about a controversial topic, expect that your viewpoints and opinions may be vigorously questioned, challenged, and held up to scrutiny. If having your opinions challenged and being expected to defend your position will make you uncomfortable, please don’t post about that topic
  • Red Tricycle tries to be a place where people can express their opinion and practice freedom of speech, even if their message is extremely controversial or of questionable validity. That means that you might feel something is “wrong” and doesn’t belong on Red Tricycle, and we might disagree. We feel that sometimes the best way to defend against ignorant or prejudicial speech is with more speech.
  • Discussion and debate are not only allowed, they are encouraged. But, if a healthy discussion breaks down into an exchange of attacks and insults or becomes too heated, we will take measures to end the discussion.
  • We are particularly sensitive to members criticizing or attacking the parenting styles or parenting decisions of other members. Use sensitivity when expressing your opinion about the way another member is raising her children.


Don’t post something just to inflame or annoy others.Posts that are meant to only upset another mom or group of moms have no place at Red Tricycle. They simply pollute the air and make it a less inviting place for everyone. Sometimes posts and comments are unintentionally inflammatory – and we understand that – but we might still remove the post or commen

Don’t ask other members for help in the form of money, gifts or donations.We appreciate the stress on you and your family resulting from financial pressures, however, it is not acceptable at this community to ask another member for money, goods or services. Instead, you can suggest that members donate to official.

Advertising and promotions guidelines

    Acceptable Advertising includes:

  • Products that you are selling (personal or professional)
  • Job opportunities
  • Charities and charitable causes
  • Promoting your entry in a contest (e.g,. “vote for my baby in the cutest baby contest on xyz.com!”)

Pyramid schemes and cash gifting scams are illegal and posting information about these schemes anywhere on Red Tricycle is prohibited. In addition, posts soliciting or advertising the availability of children for adoption are not permitted on Momburbia

There are many things that members are prohibited from listing for sale on Red Tricycle. Click here to see the list of prohibited or restricted items.

Be respectful of others when posting any content that is adult in nature. Nude photographs or images are not allowed. Neither are photographs or images of abortion or depictions of violence.

We all have different thresholds for what we are comfortable seeing and reading. In addition, while Red Tricycle is a site for families, that often have their children around! In order to make Momburbia comfortable for everyone, and so any little ones don’t see something that they shouldn’t, please adhere to the following guidelines when posting content that may not be suitable for everyone.

Cursing and adult content are prohibited.

Nude photographs or images are not allowed, though breastfeeding and birthing photos are permitted as long as they are noted accordingly in the title of the album or photo. For example, your album title can be “Feeding my Baby Boy”(Nude) The album cover must also be a non-nude image to allow the user to chose if they wish to enter and see nude photos. Also, if you wish to post an image on your wall or within a group or blog, post a non-nude image and mention that your album is available in the photos section to view and see all photos.

We also allow “nude” pictures of babies under 6 months old – we don’t believe that it’s a wise idea to post nude pictures of anyone older than that.

Don’t share your personal information or anyone else’s information. Would you give your phone number, street address or anything else to a mom you just met? Maybe – if you trusted her or knew someone in common. But you probably wouldn’t give it out to someone you knew little about. The same is true online. Don’t give out your personal information to anyone else unless you’re sure it’s safe. And, don’t give it out in a public area of Momburbia where others can see it too. It will be removed

Don’t give money to people who ask for it online. While their stories may move you, you have no way of knowing if they are legitimate. We can’t verify the identities of everyone on the site and you use the site at your own risk. We urge you to learn and follow best practices for staying safe online.

You should also not share or post anyone else’s personal information. Don’t repost messages from private groups or messages in public places. If the information was posted in a private group, assume that the member wants it to remain private.

We are not responsible for what happens off the site, even if it was organized on Momburbia. Be careful whom you talk to, whom you trust, and what you do in the “real” world based on what you read online

Help us keep Red Tricycle orderly by reporting any problems you see on the site, posts that break these rules, and anyone you suspect doesn’t belong on Red Tricycle.

If you see something, say something to us. We’re always on the site in one-way or another. And, we rely on Red Tricycle members to help us identify when there is a violation of these Guidelines. When you report something to us, we will do our best to investigate it. You don’t need to report things multiple times or have your friends also report the same issue. We try to review everything sent to us and sending it multiple times just slows things down for everyone.

If you think you’ve found an “imposter” or suspect that a member is not “legitimate,” let us know and we will investigate promptly. Do not threaten, harass or make blog posts about your suspicions. Doing this will only interfere with and slow down our efforts to get to the truth quickly. Likewise, if we discover that you are pretending to be someone you are not, we will cancel your account.

Don’t do anything criminal or illegal on Red Tricycle or encourage anyone else to do so.

Any postings that we reasonably believe or suspect are criminal or illegal in nature will be removed and any conduct that we suspect is illegal or which poses a threat of illegal activity will be reported to the appropriate authorities. We will cooperate with authorities to prosecute anyone who breaks the law while using our site. Do not link to sites containing criminal or illegal activity

If you see something that you believe is illegal, you can report that to the authorities. We are not experts, and cannot make assessments about the legality of many things – if you think it’s illegal, you should contact the police and let them make the decision. We will fully cooperate with any authorities who contact us about issues on Red Tricycle

You may discuss Red Tricycle policies, but only in the Red Tricycle Suggestions and Feedback inside Conversations.

We are open to constructive feedback about our decisions and policies. But in order to keep on top of all of the inquiries, we need everyone to post their policy discussions in the same place.

We created the Red Tricycle Community Guidelines to help all users understand how groups are run and regulated on Red Tricycle.


Red Tricycle COMMUNITY GUIDELINES – CLASSIFIEDS

Many laws, regulations and policies, in a variety of jurisdictions, regulate the goods and services that may be bought and sold. For your convenience, we have prepared a list of some of the types of prohibited and restricted items the advertisement for sale of which is not permitted on Red Tricycle.

Red Tricycle users remain responsible for complying with all applicable laws, regulations or restrictions on items, services, or manner of sale, payment or exchange, that may apply to transactions in which they participate — including but not limited to those imposed by your federal, state, and local laws and guidelines.

Partial list of items for sale and services the advertisement of which is not permitted on Red Tricycle:

  • Obscene material or child pornography.
  • Offer or solicitation of illegal prostitution.
  • Weapons and related items, including but not limited to firearms, disguised, undetectable or switchblade knives, martial arts weapons, scopes, silencers, ammunition, ammunition magazines, BB guns, tear gas or stun guns.
  • Items issued to Canadian or United States Armed Forces that have not been disposed of in accordance with Department of Defense demilitarization policies.
  • Fireworks, including but not limited to “safe and sane” fireworks or any destructive devices or explosives.
  • Controlled substances or illegal drugs, substances and items used to manufacture controlled substances and drug paraphernalia.
  • Alcohol or tobacco products.
  • Prescription drugs and medical devices, including but not limited to prescription or contact lenses, defibrillators, hypodermic needles or hearing aids.
  • Nonprescription drugs that make false or misleading treatment claims or treatment claims that require FDA approval.
  • Blood, bodily fluids or body parts.
  • Household pets of any kind including but not limited to dogs, cats, primates, cage birds, rodents, reptiles, amphibians, fish. Re-homing with small adoption fee OK
  • Pet animal parts, blood, or fluids – including but not limited to stud/breeding service
  • Restricted or regulated plants and insects, including but not limited to noxious weeds, endangered plant species, or live insects or pests.
  • Pesticides or hazardous substances, or items containing hazardous substances including but not limited to contaminated toys, or art or craft material containing toxic substances without a warning label.
  • Illegal telecommunications equipment, including but not limited to access cards, password sniffers, access card programmers and unloopers, or cable descramblers
  • Stolen property, or property with serial number removed or altered.
  • Burglary tools, including but not limited to lock-picks or motor vehicle master keys
  • False identification cards, items with police insignia, citizenship documents, or birth certificates.
  • Counterfeit currency, coins and stamps, tickets, as well as equipment designed to make them.
  • Counterfeit, replica, or knock-off brand name goods.
  • Material that infringes copyright, including but not limited to software or other digital goods you are not authorized to sell, warez, bootlegs (without consent of the band).
  • Airline tickets that restrict transfer, and tickets of any kind which you are not authorized to sell.
  • Coupons or gift cards that restrict transfer, and coupons or gift cards which you are not authorized to sell.
  • Gambling items, including but not limited to lottery tickets, sports trading card ‘grab bags’, raffle tickets, sweepstakes entries or slot machines.
  • Used or rebuilt batteries, or batteries containing mercury.
  • Used bedding and clothing, unless sanitized in accordance with law.
  • Non-packaged food items or adulterated food.
  • Bulk email or mailing lists that contain names, addresses, phone numbers, or other personal identifying information
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