From donating goods to volunteering your time, these are the best places around DC to make a difference as a family

Play Santa this season by checking off the wish lists of these local non-profits (plus one neighborhood group). You’ll help bring holiday cheer to those in need while also modeling empathy, kindness and generosity to your kids. There are so many ways to empower the local community this December, from donating goods, volunteering services or even making a monetary contribution. Whether you choose to spend time with struggling students in Ward 5, support sick kids with holiday gifts, or empower homeless teens with gift cards, donating to these local organizations will help make the holiday season a little brighter for those in need (and might just boost your family’s joy!).

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Places to Support Children in Washington, DC

Dr. Bear's Closet at Children's National Hospital 
Bring holiday cheer to hospital-bound children this Dec. by donating gift cards and new toys, books and games. Shop the hospital registry here  to choose a gift that will be shipped directly to Dr. Bear's Closet. The hospital is collecting holiday donations now through Dec. 23 (but donations are accepted year round, so don't worry if you miss the holiday window).

111 Michigan Ave. NW
Stronghold
Online: childrensnational.org

District of Columbia Public Schools
DCPS (District of Columbia Public Schools) is currently seeking items to support in-classroom instruction, like computers, art supplies and white boards. You can direct your donation towards your local school, or contact DCPS to find the schools most in need. You can also make a monetary donation here.

Online: dcps.dc.gov

DC Diaper Bank
Helping babies is the number one mission of the DC Diaper Bank. Diapers, newborn necessities, nursing supplies, hygiene products and more are all collected to empower and change lives of babies living at or below the poverty line. DC Diaper Bank collects more than just diapers, you can also donate new carseats, strollers, diaper bags and other nursery needs. Stock the Bank's pantry by donating formula, wipes, diaper cream and more. 

1532 A St. NE
Capitol Hill
Online: dcdiaperbank.org

Beacon House
Serving over 400 children in Ward 5, Beacon House aims to close the educational gap and help Edgewood students achieve their greatest potential. Like a "beacon" of light guiding students to graduate from high school and pursue secondary-education, this non-profit embodies the spirit of a "lighthouse" for neighborhood kids. Donate your time and talents to help Edgewood youth; this organization is always seeking volunteers to help with their many educational programs. You can also make a monetary contribution here. For material good donations, contact the organization to get a list of their current needs.

601 Edgewood St. NE
Edgewood
Online: beaconhousedc.org

Partners for Kids in Care
Partners for Kids in Care supports children and youth in foster care and at-risk families in DC’s welfare system. Donate new or gently used clothes, games, toiletries and linens to the Children's Donation Center where teens, youth and families can shop free for their personal needs. 

200 I St. SE
Navy Yard
Online: cfsa.dc.gov

Mobile Hope
Mobile Hope has been empowering at-risk youth in Loudoun County since 2011. This organization supports teens and young adults (up to 24) with shelter, clothing, food, transportation and more. You can support Mobile Hope's annual toy drive by shopping their Amazon wish list here. Mobile Hope also accepts food, clothing, shoes, diapers and more year round.

302 Parker Ct. SE
Leesburg, VA
Online: mobile-hope.org

Martha’s Table
This group has worked for 35 years to support children, families and the community at large in the DC area. Volunteer your time and become one of the 16,000 volunteer who help with food, clothing and special events every year. This organization is currently accepting beans, canned vegetables, whole grain crackers, pasta and more (for a full list, go here). Martha's Table also accepts new and gently-used clothes for adults and children.

2114 14th St. NW
Cardozo
Online: marthastable.org

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Places to Help the Homeless in Washington, DC

So Others Might Eat
For over 50 years, So Others Might Eat (S.O.M.E.) has been serving the DC"s homeless community and those experiencing extreme poverty since 1970. This interfaith organization offers transitional housing, access to medical care, career training, and an open door policy to those that need a hot shower, a meal or food pantry items. S.O.M.E. is currently collecting food, clothing, hygiene items and household goods. You can view their Amazon wishlist here.

71 O St. NW
Truxton Circle
Online: some.org

A Wider Circle
A Wider Circle provides basic need items to families transitioning out of homelessness or leaving domestic abuse situations. Their goal is to help families get a fresh start with dignity and hope. A Wider Circle accepts gently used  baby essentials, like strollers, highchairs, changing tables, Pack ‘n Plays, car seats, infant and toddler clothing and cribs as well as any household items you might need to start a new home (think pots and pans, desks and children's toys). 

9159 Brookville Rd.
Silver Spring, MD
Online: awidercircle.org

Shelter House
This nonprofit serves two shelters for families and one for victims of domestic violence in Fairfax County, VA. Needs are greatest for toiletries, gift cards, diapers and wipes, baby bottles and more.

Online: shelterhouse.org

Carpenter’s Shelter
Serving more than 600 homeless and formerly homeless children and adults each year, this shelter serves people in need in the city of Alexandria. They’re looking for in-kind donations of food, toiletries and miscellaneous items such as air mattresses, dish and bath towels, and SmarTrip cards. 

5701-D Duke St.
Alexandria, VA

Online: carpentersshelter.org

Bethesda Cares
This community outreach program for the homeless provides food, clothing and psychiatric services, and helps put a roof over the heads of people in the streets. Bethesda Cares accepts food, clothing or toiletries. During the winter, coats for adults are especially needed.

7728 Woodmont Ave.
Bethesda, MD
Online:
bethesdacares.org

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More Ways to Give Back in Washington, DC

GreenDrop
As the name implies, you can drop used goods at a number of freestanding donations boxes across the DMV, but this service will also come to you! Schedule a pick up and let GreenDrop haul away your bags (and bags!) of used clothes, toys, appliances, small furniture and more. GreenDrop sells your goods and you choose where they donate the profits (pick from organizations like the American Red Cross, Military Order of the Purple Heae or the National Federation of the Blind). 

Various Drop-Off Locations around MD and VA or schedule a pick-up
Online: gogreendrop.com

The Buy Nothing Project
Post items on your local Buy Nothing group that no longer bring you joy and  brighten up the day of one of your neighbors (they simply scoop up your goods from your doorstep). These groups aren't just limited to used goods; you can also share your time and talents. Whether you're a notary public or an online tutor, you can offer your services free-of-charge to help those that could not otherwise afford them. Want to be on the receiving end of your neighbors' generosity? You can also request things from your personal wish list with one simple rule: money never changes hands.

Online: facebook.com/BuyNothingProject

Bikes for the World 
Let's think about the tricycles and bikes that may be crowding your hallway or tiny garage. A great organization that can help you to get rid of some of those bikes is Bikes for the World. Bikes for the World is a nonprofit humanitarian organization and volunteer network that collects thousands of used bicycles, as well as bike parts and tools, and delivers them to community programs around the world. Recently, they worked with BikeMatch DC to deliver bikes to essential workers during COVID. They also distribute bikes to area youth through an earn-a-bike program. So get to pedaling over to the Bikes for the World Warehouse. You can donate at anytime to any participating bike shop or find out when the local warehouse (address below) is hosting a bike drive.

1420 S. Eads Ave.
Arlington, VA
Online: bikesfortheworld.org

Ahhhh….summer.  It sounds amazing.

Lots of time outside; the kids all splashing happily in whatever water-filled container you have.

Lots of unscheduled time, with no particular places to be or things to do.

Your kids get to just be kids for a while.

But here’s what’s also part of summer:

The crying and whining.

The endless repetitions of “I’m booooooored…” interspersed with refusals to help around the house.

And your triggered feelings.

What Happens When You Have a Big Reaction to Your Kid’s Feelings

When your kids don’t cooperate (which happens a lot when you’re together a lot), you probably go into one of four ‘modes’:

1. Fight Mode: You get combative! Your child might as well be an attacking bear that you’re fighting for your life. You will dominate them…through words (you can probably out-logic them), through your physical presence (towering over them) and/or through swatting or spanking them.

2. Flight Mode: You’ve got to get out of here! Your child might as well be an attacking bear that you’re running away from, and quickly. You check out mentally, or you physically leave the room—and when your child follows you it makes everything ten times worse.

3. Freeze Mode: The bear’s attacking, and you can’t figure out what to do. You’re mentally and physically frozen: should you counterattack? Should you run and hide? It is simply not possible for you to make a decision—about anything—at this moment.

4. Fawn Mode: Most common among people who have experienced abuse, this involves getting the difficult behavior to stop at all costs. You placate the child; reassure them; say they can have the thing they want…anything to make the crying/screaming/whining stop.

It doesn’t seem like any of these things should be part of any parent’s summer plans…and yet, here they are.

Summer isn’t over yet.

Are you gonna make it?

Here are 5 tips to help you not just survive but actually enjoy the time you’re spending with your kids this summer:

1. Don’t Multitask.
Whenever your attention is split, there’s a good chance you’re going to get frustrated. Have designated times to play with your kids—and put the phone away. Focus on nothing but being with them. At other times, tell them you’re not available now but you will be in 30 minutes/after lunch/when the timer goes off.

2. Slow Down & Simplify.
Do you need to go to every birthday party? Must you take something homemade to every gathering, or would a bowl of cherries be just as welcome?  Could you eat take-out one more night a week, or cook twice as much on the nights you do cook, and eat leftovers every other night? Can you plan just a little further ahead so you don’t have to go shopping as often? The more you can slow down and simplify, the less overall stress you’ll feel, which will leave more gas in the tank to deal with the children’s meltdowns.

3. Be Realistic about What Your Child Can Do. 
We hear a lot about having ‘developmentally appropriate’ expectations, but many parents expect their children to be able to do way more than they really can.  A survey by respected organization Zero to Three found that over half of parents think that children under three can reliably resist the desire to do something forbidden when actually this starts to develop between ages 3.5-4. And 42% of parents think that children should be able to control their emotions—like not having a tantrum when they’re frustrated—by age 2 when again this develops between the ages of 3.4-4. If you’re expecting too much too soon, you’ll get frustrated when they can’t meet your expectations.

4. Embrace the Drop-off (Outdoor) Playdate.
If you have any access to the outdoors, and there are other families in your ‘pod,’ take turns hosting outdoor playdates. If you have a garden, the other child could bring a lunch and then you just turf them outdoors for the day—they can collect rocks, make ‘houses’ for imaginary friends; build things out of cardboard…Even traditionally indoor-based toys like LEGO and Magnatiles that they’re bored with using indoors can be fun again outdoors. Chances are having another child around will actually keep yours occupied for longer…and then your child goes to the friend’s house another time, giving you several hours off. Even if you go to the playground or park instead of your house, you could work for the life of your laptop battery, or hang out with a book. Win-win!

5. Pay Attention to What’s Going on in Your Body.  
In our culture, we have an idea that everything worth paying attention to happens in our brains. But very often our bodies tell us when something’s up—like when we’re getting resentful because our child has been asking us to do things for them all day. We might feel a tightness in our shoulders, heat across our chest, nausea, or a headache long before we yell at our child, walk away from them, freeze, or fawn. We can learn to pay attention to these signals and act on them early in the day rather than letting the frustration build until we explode.

Navigating kids’ big feelings is challenging for every parent. It can be doubly challenging when you can’t stay calm in these moments, perhaps partly because you are remembering difficult events from your childhood. But just because you’ve responded with frustration up to now doesn’t mean it always has to be that way. You might think that your child needs to change their behavior but none of the ideas here involve doing that. When you change the way you show up with them, they most likely won’t do as much of the behavior you find so difficult.

And so you will make it through the summer.

RELATED STORIES
How a Summertime Routine Will Benefit Your Kids
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Jen Lumanlan fills the gaps in her parenting intuition through research, via a Master’s in Psychology (Child Development) and another in Education.  Her podcast, Your Parenting Mojo, provides rigorous yet accessible information on parenting and child development to help parents tame the overwhelm and raise resilient, thriving children.

find out why June is Pride Month
Tristan B. via Unsplash

What is pride? It’s a feeling of being happy, content, and proud of who you are or what you’ve accomplished. Have you ever felt this before? Here at Xyza, we feel a sense of pride when we see governments and communities working together to accomplish something big, and when people treat each other with love, respect, and acceptance. That’s why we celebrate Pride Month with the LGBTQ community.

Countries around the world celebrate the LGBTQ community at different times of the year. In the United Kingdom, for example, Pride Month is celebrated in February, whereas in Brazil the largest Pride parade in the world usually takes place in March. In the United States, June is Pride month.

Why is June Pride month? In the United States, Pride Month is celebrated in the month of June to commemorate the Stonewall riots, a series of riots that erupted throughout New York City in June and July of 1969. These riots were a response to the police raid of the Stonewall Inn in New York City’s Greenwich Village, a popular gathering place for the young LGBT community during the early hours of June 28th, 1969. The police arrested employees for selling liquor without a license and roughed up the many patrons inside the inn. As police dragged patrons out of the bar and into police vans, people outside the bar watched and grew increasingly enraged. A riot soon ensued and continued for the next five days. Historians mark the Stonewall riots as a turning point in the gay rights movement.

This year marks the 53rd anniversary of what historians consider the start of annual Pride traditions. Why? On June 28th, 1970, a year after the Stonewall riots, an estimated 3,000 to 5,000 people marched down the streets of New York City to protest the abuse and discrimination that the LGBTQ community had suffered for hundreds of years. Today, millions of people around the country celebrate Pride Month with parades, festivals, workshops, and remembrance ceremonies to acknowledge the LGBTQ community and its impact on the world.

How is your city celebrating pride this year? Share with us by emailing editor@xyzanews.com.

This post originally appeared on Xyza: News for Kids.
Joann Suen & Sapna Satagopan
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

We're two perfectly imperfect moms who have five very different kids between the two of us. We believe that topics in news are a fantastic way to spark conversations in families. That's why we started the Dinner Table Conversation series here at Xyza: News for Kids. Won't you join us in the conversation? 

Being bullied has taught me a lot over the years. Lessons learned in childhood run deep and last long. We learn to not be noticed. That we must try to fit in. That certain people and places and situations are hazardous. That being different is a sin.

But it is not only the things that children do to one another that cause harm. Some of the things that adults say to children about bullying hurt the most. These remarks may be intended to help the bullied child, but at times they do as much damage as the bullying itself.

Chief among the responses to bullying that adults come up with is “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This is a profound lie, as any bullied child knows. Oh, there are sticks and stones, even literal ones. As a third-grader I had rocks thrown at me and countless children have experienced physical bullying—pushing, tripping, hitting and more.

But words are more than capable of hurting just as much. There are forms of bullying other than physical – emotional, social, racial, sexual. But these forms of bullying are much less visible than the physical kind. If the grown-ups responsible for the care and well-being of the child don’t see bruises or bloody noses, they may think no harm has occurred.

Socially or emotionally bullied children are often told “Don’t be so sensitive.” And it may be true that less sensitive children do not feel the effects of cruel words as drastically. But the underlying message is that there is something wrong with the bullied child – excessive sensitivity. And this is not something that children can change about themselves. It’s like telling a person not to be so tall.

Another piece of advice commonly given to bullied children is, “Just ignore them.” If becoming less sensitive is impossible, even more so is ignoring bullies. Bullies are in-your-face. It’s almost impossible to ignore insults and injuries, derisive chants or laughter. Humiliation is not something that can simply be shrugged off. Bullies rejoice in having an audience for their abuse. It’s beyond hard to ignore a room or playground of kids (or teens), all of whom have witnessed your victimization.

Similarly, bullied children are told, “Other people’s opinions don’t matter.” Again, this is a lie. Of course they do. The opinions of a child’s peers control whether other children feel safe being friends with a bully’s victim. Their opinions determine whether a child will be lonely or despised or will develop self-esteem. Bullies affect the opinions of other children and make the circle of bullies and bystanders wider. Other people’s opinions make wide ripples.

Bullied children often hear, “Toughen up.” Again, this is an assignment given with no clue as to how it is to be accomplished. It may even be misinterpreted as tacit permission to become a bully too. After all, bullies are tough. And the saying, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” may come into play. Naturally, this only expands the number of bullies and can victimize other children. A bullied child who becomes a bully may experience not a sense of empowerment but a sense of guilt.

Another common reaction to bullying is to encourage or even to coach a child in fighting back physically. This has little chance of working if the bully is physically larger than the victim and takes a lot of practice if it is to work at all. In addition it teaches children that violence is an appropriate solution to a problem. If the bullying has been emotional or social rather than physical, the bullied child is also likely to get in trouble for striking back in a literal manner.

The problem is that the bullied child is not the problem. He or she does not need to change or be changed. The bully is the one who is demonstrating unacceptable behavior and needs to be stopped. Bystanders are bullying enablers and need to learn how to support and intervene instead.

There are no simple solutions to bullying, which will likely continue as long as children are children, though with awareness of the problem and concerted efforts on the part of adults, it may someday lessen and be less acceptable and less accepted.

But whatever the solution is, it is clearly not to tell the bullied child lies.

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

In short, I’d say it’s for awareness and education. To make it more common and comfortable for people to see others with differences whether it’s in appearance, speech or behaviors.

I guess because we are so immersed in autism 24/7, I forget sometimes that there are people who don’t know anyone personally with it and it may feel foreign and possibly uncomfortable.

That’s okay! I get it. Before we had Alex, I think I would probably feel uncomfortable if I was standing at a bus stop and someone started jumping and flapping and making unusual sounds. It’s different. But I would love it if this could be put out into the world so people are made aware of it so it’s not scary. People could just be like “Oh, ok maybe this person is different. Let me give them some space or smile at them or whatever.”

Anything new takes time to get used to and feel comfortable with.

What’s not okay is bullying or derogatory language. It still feels like a little gut punch when I hear people say the ‘R’ word. You can come up with any excuse you want, but the fact of the matter is that it is used as an insult. It’s never used to describe something amazing. My Alex also has a diagnosis of intellectual disability and knowing that the ‘R’ word is often used to describe people like my son makes it sting even more.

This is why representation matters.

TV, media, us just being out and about in the community. Not just Alex and our family, but all the families who live with autism.

I feel there needs to be more representation of our kind of autism. We need to put faces to the word for there to be a human connection. People need to teach their kids to be accepting and be kind to people who are different.

The reason I’m writing this right now is that even though it’s 2021, I still see and hear stories of abuse and mistreatment.

Can I tell you how much preparation (both physically and emotionally) and courage it takes for some of us to just take our kids out of the house because we know the stares and judgment we’ll get just for being different? I can tell you how much it would mean to me as a mom, if someone would just show me a little smile, like “Hey, I see you. You’re not invisible. Welcome.” It would melt my heart, I tell ya. That’s all we want. Humanity.

Through our page, I hope that people will see Alex, first and foremost, as a human being who, despite his differences and challenges, also has gifts and a smile that’ll warm your heart, and that he deserves to be treated with the same respect and kindness that everyone deserves. If you feel brave to say “Hi” and he doesn’t respond, don’t take it personally. He can’t always speak, but he hears you and so do I, and it means so much that you tried.

If you see someone out who is having a meltdown, stimming physically or verbally, not responding? Don’t judge. Don’t insult. Don’t hurt or take advantage of. Remember: Different, not less. Just. Be. Kind. I promise you, it feels so much better than the alternative.

Remember, these people are someone’s child, brother, sister, auntie, uncle. They are a person with feelings and emotions just like you. Treat others how you would want yourself and your own kids to be treated.

This post originally appeared on The Autism Ride Facebook.
Feature image: AndyvKatz via iStock 

Hi! My name is Laura and I'm a mom of two beautiful kids in Vancouver, Canada. I write a blog on Facebook called The Autism Ride, all about the ups and downs in life with our teenaged son on the spectrum.

There Is No Silver Bullet to Healing from Trauma

Trauma isn’t linear.

I’ll start there. You don’t wake up one day and say “I’m going to quickly fix and move on from this thing that’s been stabbing me with a million tiny needles an hour for years. (Wipes hands) problem solved.” There is no silver bullet to healing.

Trauma also begets trauma. Once you’re exposed, it’s like an all-hands-on-deck pile on until you finally figure out how to genuinely feel your feelings. Recently, I was enlightened to the idea that instead of going through healing, I could go around it. You believe you’re doing the work. Truly, you do. In reality though, you’re kind of just going around it. Yes, you’re checking all of the boxes: Therapy. Check. Medication. Check. Openness to new ways to heal. Check, check friggity check.

You’re showing up to find the light, but you’re keeping your sunglasses on. To attempt a bit more eloquence, it was described to me like this: Picture a sphere. You can go over it and look down at it, you can go around it and take a quick peek, but the biggest impact would come from going through it. You can’t miss it if you go right through it. You become engulfed by the sphere and, by proxy, have to take some of it on to get back out again. Sure, you can see it from all of the angles, but you won’t heal from a drive-by. You need to be stuck in traffic for a while to really appreciate a clear lane.

I had never really thought about it before. I mean, I can’t deny it – I essentially hold a Ph.D. in intellectualizing the intangible. I don’t cry often, I carry other people’s guilt, and the word “trauma” makes me cringe. I invalidate my own feelings about my own trauma as soon as it comes out of my own mouth. I started thinking though, I can’t be alone in this. I am not the only person working around healing. More specifically, I’m not the only parent struggling with what it looks like to do the work while being present for your family.

Trauma manifests in the ways your body allows it to. The ways in which our brains and hearts feel like it won’t kill us. That’s really what we’re fighting for, right? This trauma that was imposed on us as kids, teenagers, young adults, whatever has the ability to literally kill us if we let it. I process things to abandon them; I don’t process to own them and learn from them. I want them gone as soon as I acknowledge it. Out of sight, out of mind has been my factory setting for a long time.

I’ve been in and out of therapy most of my life. When I was younger, I shared a therapist and a psychiatrist with my narcissistic parents. So, as you can imagine, the narrative was a bit cloudy when it came to healing. I took a long break. I made the choice to stop therapy and stop medication at a point where I felt like I could handle the world without it. In reality, I wasn’t actually getting anything from it because I wasn’t encouraged to put anything into it. We learn how to process our emotions from our upbringing, that’s no major secret. If your upbringing correlates emotions that don’t fit a specific narrative to insanity, you very quickly learn to get in line and keep your thoughts to yourself.

I’m at the point in this piece where I’m questioning why I’m even writing it. Do I want to congratulate myself for someone else recognizing that I have more work to do than I thought? Or, do I want to write about this because I feel alone in it and know that’s not the case. I’m cautiously optimistic that it’s the latter. Becoming a parent rocked my world in a way I really wasn’t expecting. Being the product of cyclical, narcissistic abuse and mental illness, I went into parenthood with the fear of repetition. Would I be capable of loving my daughter in the way she deserved to be loved? Would I impose my own emotional detachment and accidentally discourage her feelings? Would I repeat the cycle?

I’m writing this from the outside of the sphere as I contemplate what it looks like to actually go in. I worry that doing the work now will take away from the most innocent years of my daughter’s life. I also worry that saving the work for later will take away from a time where she’ll need my emotional availability the most. Being a parent is freakin’ hard. We are challenged to be our best selves while raising better versions of who we became. I want my daughter to know that crying isn’t weak and that being yourself isn’t shameful. I want her to stay weird and feel like she can tell me when she does something stupid. I don’t want her to make a story shiny just because it will be more consumable for someone to digest. I don’t want her to hold her opinions—she has them, she should use them. She’s entitled to them.

That’s why I have to do the work now. Through my box-checking (and a great therapist and the support of my friends and family to explore healing outside of traditional therapy), I’ve certainly made progress. I have pride in my learned ability to parent in spite and the very genuine bond I have with my daughter. I recognize my inability to let go of the past and my trauma-based identity. If you’re reading this and nodding, I see you. We are not all our mother’s daughters. We are not all our parent’s children. Being a product of your environment and your trauma doesn’t have to equate to repetition or, even worse, regression. Recognizing where you’ve been has the best potential to navigate where you need to go.

Jess Ader-Ferretti HBIC at Shit Moms Won't Say
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Jess Ader-Ferretti is the creator and host of the growingly popoular web series, Shit Moms Won't Say. Jess is a born and rasied New Yorker who lives with her wife, Katie and their daughter, Lillie. Tune into Shit Moms Won't Say every Monday at 8PM EST

Whether you are keeping it small and celebrating with your spouse and kids or planning to attend larger family gatherings, things may be stressful. Here are seven things to think about before committing and attending family events this 2020 holiday season:

1. “Is this good or bad for my mental health?”
Bottom line, if you know a visit to your family will knock you off your “center” the answer is you should not go. We are living in a pandemic for goodness’ sake—some families won’t be able to see one another even if they wanted to due to COVID-19 restrictions. I don’t think going out of your way to visit people you know will significantly upset you is worth the added stress. The fallout from bad family visits can cause a splash big enough to ripple for weeks before and after the event. Some of the ripple’s effects may include:

  • Increased self-harm, anxiety, depressed mood, anger, feelings of isolation, and suicidal ideation.
  • Increased levels of cortisol (stress hormone) which may cause muscle weakness, severe fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, high blood pressure, and headache.
  • Increase in digestive issues such as diarrhea and/or constipation.
  • Disrupted sleep leading up to and after the gathering.

2.  “Am I able to set boundaries?”
Many of us are learning for the first time in our lives how to respectfully set boundaries in our relationships with others. Often it’s easier to set them with co-workers and acquaintances because we don’t usually have a past with them like we do with our family members. That being said, will you be able to ask your family to respect X? Will they be able to? If they don’t, will you even agree to go? What if they say “yes” and then once you arrive they don’t, what now?

3. “Will I be able to enforce my boundaries?”
Setting a boundary is different from enforcing it. Think of it like legislators vs. police. One writes the laws and the other makes sure we obey them. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page with who will enforce the boundary and how. This can include a tag-team effort. Just make sure going into the event that you are in agreement regarding who does what. Also, what happens if extended family cross the boundary?

4. “What is the cost/benefits to my family?”
Allowing and encouraging our children to have close relationships with extended family members has been the “norm” for generations. Families traditionally have done everything together and wouldn’t have survived without the help of each member. That being said, all types of abuse have also been happening in families since the dawn of time. The abuse can range from severe to mild, physical to emotional. It doesn’t matter the type, it’s not OK on any level.

If you are potentially putting yourself, spouse, and/or your children into a toxic environment you need to look at who benefits and how much. Sometimes parents who abused their children are wonderful grandparents because they’ve changed and grown. While seeing them may trigger you, you know your children benefit from seeing and interacting with grandparents and your triggers are manageable. Mentally preparing yourself for the visit and having clear expectations allows you to remain in control and decreases feelings of anxiety.

5. “Can everyone agree not to bring up politics (or any other “hot topic”)?”
I believe in setting people up for success. One of the ways to do that with holiday gatherings this year is to have everyone agree to not bring up certain topics. No, this doesn’t make the gathering inauthentic. No, this doesn’t mean we are isolating Aunt Edna because she is the “only one who voted that way.” It means we are showing mutual respect for one another and all agreeing ahead of time to not talk about certain things.

6. “Have I brought a sensory distraction?”
When we feel threatened we stop using our frontal lobes (judgment, reason, understanding), and instead our thoughts stem from either our limbic system (the emotional center which results in over-the-top impulsive responses) or our cerebellum (survival mode which is flight/fright/freeze). One way to regain control of your thoughts and/or feelings at the moment is to ground yourself using one of your five senses.

  • Wear a rubber band on your wrist and when you get irritated “snap” yourself out of it.
  • Take some sour candy and/or black licorice with you and “startle” yourself back to the control center by shocking your taste buds.
  • Lastly, if you do have smelling salts (or strong essential oils) bring them with you and take a whiff to calm down when you start feeling bothered.

7. “Have I created an exit plan?
Feeling in control will be the No. 1 “stress reliever” you’ve got, which means having a solid exit plan ready to implement if things go sideways. Both you and your spouse need to agree on the exit plan, maybe even have a code word and a prearranged excuse (if you don’t want to have to “get into it” at the moment) for when the plan gets implemented. Talk to your kids about it beforehand so they don’t feel sucker-punched. You don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty of “why” with them if you don’t want to just give them enough info so they know what to do. This will help you get out faster and with less confusion.

There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to how you manage the upcoming holiday season. My final words of advice are this: You aren’t responsible for making sure everyone in your extended family has a “happy holiday season.” Your first commitment should be to protect the mental health of yourself, spouse, and children. It’s OK to hit the “pause” button in relationships. This doesn’t mean you’re a failure and it doesn’t mean you don’t care about the other person. It merely means you are strong and self-aware enough to not set yourself (partner and kids) up for failure.

I am a 42-year-old biological mother of two young children in a same-sex relationship, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in neuropsychological assessment, a music therapist, a trainer of therapy dogs and ex-communicated Mormon from Indiana with a wicked sense of humor. 

Everyone loves a festive advent calendar, but this year you can’t forget your fur babies! Fancy Feast is getting ready to release Feastivities, a 24-day advent calendar packed with treats for your kitty.

Perfect for cat lovers, the calendar retails for $22.99 and is now available at Chewy, Amazon and other major retailers. Each door will contain a variety of tasty wet food your cat won’t be able to turn down.

 

 

Fancy Feast is also releasing a limited edition ornament. One hundred percent of all proceeds will go to Purina’s Purple Leash Project, a program that raises awareness about the resource gap for domestic abuse survivors with pets.

––Karly Wood

 

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“You know why kids bully? Because adults bully. But no one wants to have that conversation.”  — Lauryn Mummah McGaster

I saw this pass-along on Facebook the other day and decided that I did want to have the conversation. When we think about bullies, we usually think about kids bullying other kids—classically, stealing their lunch money or more recently, tormenting them for being perceived as different.

And what do we say when that happens? Kids can be mean. Kids can be cruel. Kids have no respect. In other words, the problem arises in the kids themselves. They shape the victimization of others, presumably out of thin air.

But let’s stop a minute. We know that kids learn what they see adults do. They learn to talk and walk. They learn to swear and belittle. The walking and talking may be hardwired into humans, but the rest is clearly learning by imitation.

But adults aren’t bullies, really. They don’t go around stealing lunch money and certainly not in front of their kids.

You might be surprised, but adult bullying happens a lot at work. Belittling and humiliation seem to go with business just as much as board meetings and yearly reviews. Not all workplaces are toxic, of course, but almost every one contains a group of gossips or a clique that excludes others just like children do in the cafeteria. They yell at underlings. They sexually harass others. They steal credit for others’ accomplishments and boast about it.

But wait, you say, children seldom if ever come to where their parents work and see them behave this way. How can they be learning to bully from them?

Bullying behavior starts with an attitude, a sentiment that there are winners and losers in life and the winners have the right (or even the duty) to lord it over the losers. Think about how many people were influenced by the “looking out for #1” philosophy.

Adults carry these attitudes home with them. Children pick up on them. Think about what adults do and say in front of their kids, even—or maybe especially—when they don’t know the kids are within earshot. They vent about their neighbors and their bosses. They use words like “b*tch” and “bastard” and worse. They talk about their day and how “stupid” some co-worker was or how they “felt like smacking” the customer service representative.

And think about what adults say when their children are being bullied. Often the response is, “If he hits you, hit him right back. Show him you’re the boss.” This perpetuates the “winners and losers” scenario and sometimes leaves the “loser” with a desire to victimize someone even “lesser.”

Worst of all, think about how often adults bully children. There are too many children who are badly abused, hit and kicked and belittled by their parents. These cases sometimes get reported to Children’s Services.

Those are the extreme cases, however. Seldom does a single slap or two get reported. Telling a child that he or she is “no good” or “stupid” or even “a big disappointment” never gets reported at all. Some adults use humiliation, name-calling, and fear, all in the name of discipline and good behavior. Some pit one child against another, praising the “good” child and condemning the other. Some blame and shame ruthlessly.

They may think they are raising obedient children, but they are showing them through actions, words, and even tone of voice what it is to be a bully or a victim and how often bullying succeeds. The essence of bullying is that one person has actual or perceived power over another and uses that power in toxic ways. Think about how much power adults have over children and how seldom they consider how to use that power wisely.

This is certainly not to say that all adults abuse their power or their children. But when you look at children’s behavior, it’s hard not to see a reflection of the environment in which they were raised.

Bullies don’t just happen. They learn.

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

Kids are naturally curious and ask a lot of questions, but TBH we parents don’t always have the answers, especially when it comes to bigger questions. What is depression? What does “Black Lives Matter” mean? What is homelessness? Scholastic, your go-to publisher for kids books and book fairs, just turned 100 and to celebrate, they’ve debuted a virtual, topical bookshelf on Instagram aimed at helping parents and teachers answer those bigger questions: @scholasticbookshelf. Read on to check out their mission and see what it’s all about.

Why do some kids have have two dads? What does ‘Black Lives Matter’ mean? What is depression? According to Scholastic, 61% of parents and teachers already using stories to broach tricky conversations with kids. And with 3 out of 4 millenial parents using social media to seek parenting advice, the Scholastic Bookshelf merges their 100 years of storytelling expertise with a platform that allows parents and educators access to 60+ scholastic stories to discuss topics including race, empathy, illness, abuse, depression, anxiety and more.

Scholastic also addresses issues that are “bigger questions” to help expand educators and parents’ horizons or help them spark conversation, on topics including imagination, making friends, pets and more. Each post on the shelf includes several images with quotes and inspiration, as well as a list of what books these concepts can be found in. You can also shop the bookshelf directly to grow your home or school (or public) library.

Follow @scholasticbookshelfon Instagram to explore; then, find a topic to connect with a Scholastic book or classroom magazine excerpt. Next, swipe to explore questions, prompts and thought-starters, and #ReadOn to discover related stories on our shelves for kids of all ages.

 

—Amber Guetebier

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