I hear “I’m fine” a lot throughout my days. If you are a parent of a pre-teen girl, I am sure that you do, too.
“How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“Do you want any help?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“You seem really upset. Let’s talk.”
“I said, I’m fine.”
It’s hard to be shut out like this and left on the outside of her experiences, helpless and defeated.
One thing I’ve learned and what I know for sure about girls is this: “I’m fine” could mean she’s fine but rarely does. “I’m fine” can mean “I don’t want to talk about it.” “I’m fine” can mean “I’m okay but I could be better.” “I’m fine” can mean “I really want to tell you but I just don’t know how.” And “I’m fine” can mean “I will talk about it but not right now.” Thus, “I’m fine” has become the secret code for what’s really going on for her and a code we must try to crack (carefully and with all the empathy we can muster).
If we imagine being a teen girl (just for a minute), this response makes sense: She wants to be independent of us and figure life out on her own. A pre-teen is all about keeping up her appearance of “I’ve got this.” She also wants to safeguard herself from, well, us: our judgment, our advice, and sometimes our unintentional intrusion. These words are automatic, unrehearsed responses to our queries and they do the job—they keep us at bay from what she’s really feeling and her true inner experience.
What’s a parent to do when your eyes tell you she needs your help and yet her words tell you she is just fine without you? Here are some ideas for you to try to get more from her “I’m fine” and help her to shift to “I feel.”
Be aware of your tone of voice.
Girls are super sensitive to variations in tone of voice. Did you know girls can hear a wider spectrum of emotional tone in another’s voice than boys can? And that their detection becomes even greater with the hormonal changes that accompany adolescence? (You can read more about that in The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine.)
So if we come to her with anything but genuine sincerity and care, she will feel it and not want to talk. Try to use warm words of kindness with phrases such as, “This must be hard for you…” and “It seems like there is something on your mind. I’d really love to hear about it and simply listen to you.”
Change your questions to get different answers.
We all fall into the trap of asking these two expected questions: “How are you today?” and “How was your day?” which set us up for the inevitable responses of “fine” and “good.” Think about asking more creative, out-of-the-box questions, such as “What was the best part of your day?, “What are you most proud of accomplishing,” or “If you had a chance to redo any part of your day, which part would you choose to do over?”
Give her space.
Her worry is our worry—this is called parenting. I know many parents who want to force conversations and answers because they care so much. But pushing her to talk about our timing when she’s not ready can be damaging to the relationship and may just lock the door on future conversations.
If she wants to take her time and decompress after a busy day, allow her to do just that. Reassure her you want to talk and let her know when you’ll be around. If you can, even plant the seed of connection by conveying to her you are up for a walk to get ice cream or you’d love to watch a movie on Netflix with her for some relaxation (and who knows, maybe the conversation will emerge naturally).
Help her find her words.
When she’s ready to talk, help her tell her story by giving her the words she needs. It’s hard for her to articulate what’s happening internally, and she may benefit from your suggestions. “Today, I noticed…” “This made me feel…” “I feel this way because…” and “This is what I need…” These prompts may just get her talking to you, and in the future, she may be able to find these words on her own.
We know it’s not always easy to be a growing girl, and “I’m fine” is a quick way to cover up the challenges of her day. Yet, when we help her move beyond that phrase to truly express herself, we are emboldening her with the confidence and competence that comes with self-expression. At the same time, we are learning to better understand what’s really on her mind.
I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls, teaching and coaching for girls and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy.
As parents, our greatest wish for our children is for them to be happy, healthy, and confident. Experts agree that curiosity and independent thinking are key ingredients to ensuring the development of these positive character traits; however, there is still often cultural and societal pressure for kids to conform to predetermined ideas and behaviors.
Raising kids who stand up for what they believe in and who march to the beat of their drums can be a delicate balancing act, but it’s essential to fostering a strong sense of self. According to says Carole Kramer Arsenault, a licensed family therapist, and founder and CEO of Boston Baby Nurse, “Independent thinking children develop higher levels of confidence and have increased self-esteem. Children who are independent thinkers use their own experiences to interpret the world instead of believing everything they are taught by parents, teachers, society, etc.”
We asked child behavior and early education experts for their advice on how to foster confidence and independent thinking in any child. Here are their 12 best tips for raising an independent thinker.
1. Model and share the behaviors, values, and ideals you want your independent kid to possess.
Modeling and sharing with your child what you believe and what you value—early and often—will ensure that she grows up with a solid ideological foundation as she develops her sense of self. “Parents who communicate what they value with their children raise children who value communicating with their parents,” says Mica Geer, an American early education specialist based in Stuttgart, Germany. Geer adds that it’s a two-way street and parents also need to hear what their children value, too. “It may seem like the ramblings of a child, but when a kid is sharing her thoughts, parents need to really listen.”
2. Let children know that failure is an essential part of learning and growing.
Young children are like sponges: they’ll absorb virtually everything around them. Encouraging kids to learn through their failures instead of giving up when things get tough will empower them in the long run. According to the Child Mind Institute, a nonprofit organization that supports families and children coping with mental illness and learning disabilities, “trial and error is how kids learn, and falling short on a goal helps kids find out that it’s not fatal.” By learning to embrace a misstep, a child may be spurred to put in the extra effort the next time, learning a valuable lesson.
3. Expose your child to different cultures, foods, and multicultural/multiethnic experiences.
“Encouraging your child to play and interact with other kids from all cultural and ethnic backgrounds and diverse socio-economic circumstances can open a child’s mind to different worldviews and opinions,” says Kramer Arsenault. Early exposure to the wider world—to different cultures, people, and even food—teaches a child that the world is vast and open to lots of possibilities.
4. Instead of simply pushing independence, encourage self-reliance.
Dr. Jim Taylor, a San Francisco-based psychologist, says becoming an independent thinker is achieved through the pursuit of self-reliance. “As human beings, we are social creatures incapable of being truly independent. Instead of raising independent children, I want you to raise self-reliant children.” Dr. Taylor defines self-reliance as “confident in your own abilities and able to do things for yourself.” For children, that means encouraging the development of essential life tools that include cognitive, emotional, behavioral, interpersonal, and practical skills.
5. Tell your kids that practice makes perfect—or at least makes pretty great.
While experts agree that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to instilling confidence and independence in children, most recognize that values can and do change with time, age, and experience. The Center for Parenting Education provides useful resources for helping parents raise caring, responsible, resilient children, including practical exercises that parents and children can work on together to share and explore their basic life values.
6. Allow your kids to act their age.
One of the greatest and longest-lasting gifts a parent can give to a child is confidence. However, a parent can undermine a child’s confidence by creating expectations that are unrealistic or not age-appropriate. Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist, and author of 15 parenting books says, “When a child feels that only performing as well as parents is good enough, that unrealistic standard may discourage effort. Striving to meet advanced age expectations can reduce confidence.” Instead, he says parents should celebrate accomplishments big and small as well as encourage children to practice skills to build competence.
7. Define and set clear boundaries for your child.
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It may seem counter-intuitive, but defining and establishing clear boundaries and expectations will help a child feel a greater sense of independence and confidence. According to Geer, “reasonable boundaries that are based in logic and frequently reinforced actually do more to encourage kids than constantly changing expectations.” She adds that parents sometimes equate expectations with limitations, but kids always are looking for things that make them feel safe and in a safe environment to build their own ideas.
8. Give your child the space to grow, learn and explore.
Younger children especially are trying to assert their independence in ways that may come across as defiant or disorderly to some parents. But experts caution not to overreact or jump in to correct too quickly. “Research shows that parents who are over-involved in an activity that a child is doing, who take over, those kids don’t develop a sense of pride, adventure, and willingness to try new things,” says Dr. Linda Acredolo, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California at Davis. Instead, Dr. Acredolo says children need the space to try—and fail on their own to learn and move forward.
9. Give responsibilities to your child at an early age.
Whether it’s simple household duties like taking out the trash or doing the dishes, assigning chores to children can give them a sense of accomplishment as well as set them up for understanding that seeing through the completion of tasks is essential throughout life and part of being a successful person. “By making them do chores… they realize, ‘I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life,’ ” says Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford University dean and the author of How to Raise an Adult.
10. Encourage your child to ask questions and share their opinions.
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Rather than enforcing your own perspective or dismissing your child’s questions, encouraging your child to question things and share their opinions and genuinely listen will help them gain confidence in their ideas. “This shows the child that his viewpoints matter. Parents should engage in actively listening to what their child has to say. When a child feels listened to he feels valued,” says Kramer Arsenault. And feeling valued will enhance your child’s self-esteem and confidence.
11. Teach children that they have agency over their minds and bodies.
Children rely on so much from their parents and caregivers when they are young, but as they transition from childhood into adolescence, one of the most important lessons they need to learn is that they have agency over their minds and bodies. Parents can help facilitate the transition of their children’s dependence to greater independence by ensuring that their kids know the choices they make have consequences. The Center for Parenting Education has a helpful resource for helping parents and children navigate effective discipline and consequences.
12. Trust your kids.
According to Dr. Jim Taylor, there are two kinds of children: independent and contingent. Contingent children are dependent on others for how they feel about themselves, while independent children are intrinsically motivated to achieve. Trusting that your child has learned the right lessons will allow him or her to flourish in their independence. “If your children are independent, you have provided them with the belief that they are competent and capable of taking care of themselves. You gave your children the freedom to experience life fully and learn its many important lessons,” says Dr. Taylor.
The cost might have a lot to do with when kids quit sports
A national survey from the Aspen Institute with the Utah State University Families in Sports Lab found that the average kid quits playing sports by age 11. For most kiddos, that’s only three years of athletic activity before “retirement.” Between the focus on competition (over fun) and the high participation cost, children are spending less time in organized athletics.
The Aspen Institute’s survey found that children report experiencing a high level of enjoyment from sports. But even though they’re reportedly having fun, kids also experience moderate levels of stress. According to the parent’s reports (in the survey), the most stress-inducing sports are hockey and lacrosse. Children had the least stress when participating in skiing/snowboarding, track, and field, soccer, and skateboarding.
Then there’s the money factor. When it comes down to finances, hockey is the most expensive—with parents spending an average of $2,583 per year. The least expensive sport was track and field, with a price tag of $191. Of all expenses, the parents reported travel as the biggest cost.
Dr. Travis Dorsch, Utah State associate professor and founding director of the Families in Sport Lab, said in a press statement, “We need to figure out why they discontinue, not just that they do. For kids, two years in a sport may seem like forever, while we as adults think they should continue for much longer. We need to frame it through the interpretive lens of adolescence,” Dorsch added.
So what can you do if your child decides to retire from their sporting career early? First, respect their decision and don’t push something your kid doesn’t seem that interested in. You can also visit the Aspen Institute Project Play site here to find resources and other information on children, sports, and the power of play!
As my kids grow into adulthood, I’m learning how to love them differently.
Don’t get me wrong, I love them equally and fiercely—sometimes with an intensity that frightens me. But as they move from teenager to adulthood and I get glimpses of the young adults they’re becoming, I realize that they see and hear love in very different ways.
Take my eldest daughter, Skylar, for instance. She’s bright, cheery, and lights up a room when she walks into it. She’s also warm, affectionate, and very free with her hugs. We can converse for hours and simply telling her I love her is enough to start the waterworks.
Her sister, Elise, couldn’t be more different if she tried. She’s strong-spirited, independent, and determined. She hates asking for help, and parenting her has been a tricky, intense experience especially since she has struggled with depression in the past. Seeing my baby girl going through depression for most of her adolescence broke my heart. It wasn’t until she was on her way to recovery, and I learned how to show her love differently, that we started connecting.
Then there’s my son, Ryan. Like most teen boys, he would rather eat dirt than be seen hugging his mom. He’s uncomfortable with overt shows of affection and prefers a pat on the back or a fist bump to a hug from his father or me.
Raising kids with such varying personalities means that I needed to find new ways to show and give them love, even when it’s not always reciprocated:
I show them that I love them by being present.
Both Elise and Ryan play sports, and I dutifully show up to all their games. Most times they don’t acknowledge my presence because it’s just “not cool,” but I love being there, and it matters to me that they know they have my support. So I show up, cheer them on, listen when they talk or vent, and do my best to give them my time and attention.
I’ve learned to speak love in other languages.
Sometimes the best way to express love is with actions. I leave notes or send my kids texts, letting them know how proud I am of them. I make sure we’re fully stocked with the protein bars my son wolfs down after practice and ensure Elise’s shampoo never runs out. These small acts of service might not seem like much, but they’re my way of showing my kids how much I care.
I’m learning that love exists in small moments.
Mindful parenting has taught me that there are dozens of small, wonderful moments that I should be grateful for every day. I’ve learned to be thankful for all the awesome things my teens bring into my life. The moments Elise strikes up a conversation or when Skylar makes dinner or when Ryan, ever the comedian, has us in stitches.
For me, these are the moments that make parenting worth it.
I still say, “I love you.”
I still say these words even when they’re not acknowledged or returned by my children because no matter what, they’re still true, and it is important to me that my children can look back and know I actively expressed that I loved them.
Loving children is easy: It’s showing them love in a way that they can understand and appreciate that’s the hard part. I’m still learning, changing, and adapting as I go, but as of right now, I am happy knowing that I am always trying to let my loved ones know that I genuinely care.
Cindy Price would like to say she's a parenting expert but she knows better than to do that. As a parent educator and writer for over 15 years, she's well-aware how quickly parenting practices evolve. Family is her greatest joy and she hopes her writing can help make families stronger.
Whether you love it or despise it, cooking can be seen as a form of self-expression and creativity–no matter if you whipped up dinner in 30 minutes or over an hour or spent hours in the kitchen preparing a feast. For some, cooking can even create feel-good emotions about one’s self, like pride for making something new or fulfillment for doing the best that one can.
That’s what Gillian McDunn, the critically acclaimed author of Caterpillar Summer, The Queen Bee & Me, and These Unlucky Stars, sets out to reveal in her latest heartwarming middle-grade novel: Honestly Elliott.
A contemporary fiction book, Honestly Elliott follows a sixth-grader named Elliott who is trying hard to be his best self, from finding methods to better cope with Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) to handling all the changes that are occurring in his life. Children eight to 12 will be able to sympathize with, and relate to, all the life transitions and daily challenges Elliott faces at home and at school.
Middle school has been tough for Elliott. He can’t keep his grades up, he keeps forgetting things and he feels out of place–at least with his dad who has completely opposite interests from him. On top of that, he is also struggling to accept everything that has changed in his life: his parents’ divorce, his father recently remarrying, his stepmother’s pregnancy, his best friend moving away and dividing his time between two different households.
Fortunately for Elliott, he can find comfort in cooking. He can control the outcome of the dishes he makes, can experiment with new recipes and escape the real world with his favorite cooking shows. So when he’s paired with his intelligent and popular classmate Maribel for a class business project, Elliott turns to cooking once again. Only this time around, his passion must be replaced with baking, which requires testing out gluten-free pie recipes for Maribel, who suffers from celiac disease. See what Elliott bakes up in this charming book!
Through humor, heart, relatable characters and real-life experiences, Honestly Elliott touches on many transitions that come from adolescence–both in school and at home. The captivating plot keeps children engaged in the outcome of Elliott’s large school project but also brings to life the stereotypes of toxic masculinity, the effects of having ADHD and the journey of making mistakes and trying again.
Children may be able to see a little bit of themselves in Elliott and his new friend Maribel who are doing their best to become a better version of themselves.
The Reviews Say it All
“Starring a sweet and messy kid tackling problems that will bring laughter and tears, Honestly Elliott has all the ingredients for a memorable story.” ―Lynne Kelly, author of Song for a Whale
“McDunn is a master at creating characters that are fun, flawed, and above all, real. Full of humor and heart, Honestly Elliott is honestly and truly middle-grade at its best.” ―Jess Redman, author of The Miraculous and The Adventure is Now
“McDunn (These Unlucky Stars) offers an affirming and nuanced depiction of empathetic and creative Elliott's experience of ADHD. . .Elliott's relationship with his father, from whom he craves acceptance despite his dad's failure to acknowledge Elliott's specific challenges, is particularly inspiring as the two work toward openness and understanding.” ―Publishers Weekly, starred review
Like the times we live in, baby names in 2022 will be wildly unpredictable. Socially conscious, inspired by pop culture, or in homage to your ancestors? Everything is fair game. Here are our predictions for baby name trends in 2022, which are all predictably out of the ordinary.
Image via iStock
Literary Baby Names
The past few years have many of us reading up a storm and that’s clear when we see how many people are naming their newborns after literary characters and authors. Whether you’ve fallen for Atticus from Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird or you’re digging the name Zora in honor of anthropologist, filmmaker and author Zora Neale Hurston, these literary baby names are for you.
Baby Names Based on Astrology & the Solar System These names are out of this world (literally!). Influenced by astrology, constellations and our solar system, names like Leo, Aurora and Stella are topping the list.
Baby Names Inspired by Travel & Geography
If you’ve got travel on your mind and a baby in your belly, these travel-inspired baby names are just what the (name) doctor ordered. From Everest to Cyprus to Austin and Georgia, baby names inspired by our favorite places are trending this year when wanderlust is at an all-time high. These beautiful names—many of which are unisex—will show you why.
Classic Baby Names Traditional baby names are always a good standby and we know they’ll continue to be popular in 2022. Think you’ll have a strong-willed warrior on your hands? Better put William on the top of your list. Or if you’re getting princess vibes already, Sarah is a solid choice.
Young kids are so full of energy and movement that parents often don’t worry about their kids’ physical activity levels until they get closer to the tween years. However, new research suggests that those levels start to decline as early as age seven.
A study conducted by the University of Jyväskylä and LIKES Research Centre for Physical Activity and Health reviewed scientific research and data identifying specific subgroups of physical activity across different life phases and countries. The study revealed that the proportion of active individuals hitting a decline in physical activity was highest among kids and teens.
David Vliches via Unsplash
While drop-off in sports participation began in adolescence, overall physical activity started to decline already by age seven among highly, moderately and low active kids. This decline in childhood led to a decrease in activity later in life, however, the opposite was also true with kids remaining physically active correlating with a more active lifestyle as an adult.
“Since physical activity behavior stabilizes with age and inactivity is more persistent behavior than activity, interventions should be targeted at children early in life before their habits become stable,” emphasizes Lounassalo.
“Additionally, supporting schools and sports clubs is crucial for promoting an active lifestyle for all children. Since parents may have an effect on activating their children, parents would need support for finding ways to do that. Building publically available sports facilities and safe bicycling and walkways might help in increasing opportunities for being active regardless of age, nationality, gender or educational level,” Lounassalo noted.
The study showed that having parental support for an active lifestyle was linked with increased physical activity among kids and teens and low television viewing time with continued activity among teens.
I guess it’s the inevitable happening. But I was hoping it wouldn’t. My 9-year-old gender creative son has become acutely aware that most of society thinks a little boy owning stereotypical “girls’ stuff” is inappropriate. Though he boldly chose and wears to school a backpack matching his personality: a glittery rainbow explosion of kittens, hearts, and cupcakes, in fourth grade, he is excluded by peers. Almost overnight he has learned the ugly truth about gender stereotypes. In our house, we don’t have “boy toys” or “girl toys.” The understanding for our family of five is that we just have “toys,” and everyone can play.
My son doesn’t look or act like most other boys his age. At nine, he self-identifies as “gender creative.” This means that he does not want to change his anatomy, or be a girl; he simply prefers all things that are marketed to girls (such as clothing, pajamas, shoes, toys, games, movies, décor, dress-up, and accessories – to name a few), and he typically prefers hanging out with girls.
While we are fortunate that most of the people in my son’s school are pretty cool, and he has received several compliments on his “girly” backpack and sparkly accessories, he has also been ostracized. He has been the target of unkind words, nasty looks, assumptions, and cold shoulders. Not just because of the backpack, but what the backpack represents: my son’s whole persona. It’s in the subtleties – the way he flinches when bugs fly near him, how he squeals with delight in a high-pitched voice, cares for others with a tender, mother-like quality, wears knee-high rainbow striped toe socks with shorts, the way his voice sometimes goes all Valley Girl, circa 1985. It’s somehow ingrained in his DNA, and it makes him uniquely HIM.
Last month, the phrase happened for the first time. During lunch, another fourth-grade kid walked by my son in the lunchroom, leaned in to him, and scoffed, “You’re gay.”
Martie Sirois
My son did not respond. He was in shock and didn’t know what to say. When he recounted the story later to me, though, he was embarrassed beyond words, holding back tears. I did the only thing I knew how to do – held him, listened, and told him that 1) There’s nothing wrong with “gay,” 2) Other people’s words do not define you, and 3) Please continue talking to me. You’ll always have my support. We brainstormed ideas of what to do if someone says this to him again, but it’s always easier to plan than to execute in the moment.
I’ve been hastily preparing for this day, I’ll admit; the day that someone would cross that line and move from saying “you’re weird” to “you’re gay.” The day that someone would associate my son’s effeminate tendencies with being homosexual when sexuality is not yet even on his radar. The day when someone would take the word “gay” and wield it as the ultimate male slander – as a means of intimidation, an effort to emasculate, humiliate, and crush another human being who doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes; a way to communicate one’s absolute disgust, intolerance, and outright bigotry.
This upsets me on many levels, but mainly because my son knows that the word “gay” does not mean “stupid,” as so many kids tend to interchange the two. He knows what gay means because of the wonderful LGBTQ friends we have in our family’s life. He knows what it means to actually be gay. He has heard of one of our friend’s struggles throughout the tormenting years of middle school. He has heard of middle school boys’ gym class when the door of steel slammed shut, and the boys’ locker room morphed into Lord of the Flies – the hefty jocks pitted against the nerdy, scrawny, or especially, the effeminate boys.He has heard the story of another friend who came out gay in high school in the ’80s when the new threat of AIDS was fueling our nation’s ignorant paranoia, and gay teens were being kicked out of their homes. He knows how awful these friends were treated, how they were verbally and physically abused by either family members or peers at school, and sometimes both.
And now – now, he knows about the Orlando massacre in Pulse Nightclub. Pulse Nightclub: a sanctuary and safe place for the LGBTQ community, located in the heart of Florida. Orlando, Florida — the place of Disney World and dreams, i.e., “the happiest place on earth.” Now Orlando is known for being the location of the deadliest mass shooting, and worst LGBTQ hate crime of recent U.S. history.
My son knows that our family is liberal and that we don’t share the outdated, prejudiced views about the LGBTQ community the way some others do. He knows that when he comes into his own sexuality, our family has only this request: that he’s happy and treated well. He knows we’re allies to the LGBTQ community. He knows, but knowing is unfortunately not enough.
I naively thought if we loved him enough, and showed him how accepting we were, it would be enough. I’m learning it’s not. Because no matter what his father and I tell him, no matter how much his older sister and brother tell him, “it gets better,” he still has a world of politicians, radical religious zealots of all denominations, peers, adults, media, and more, all sending him the very clear message that as a gender non-conforming person, he’s not protected.
Now, because of a couple of carelessly spewed words that will certainly be repeated over again, my son will soon be forced to wonder if he’s gay because other kids are now saying it out loud. Though he doesn’t know what a self-fulfilling prophecy is, I have seen the confusion and anxiety on his face more in fourth grade than ever. Of course, adolescence and puberty are almost within hand’s reach. However, when going into the tumultuous years of adolescence (which is already hard enough for anyone) my son is now going in with the additional, excessive worry of, “am I gay?” He knows that our family doesn’t care, and we will continue to love and support him no matter what. But I’m learning that just because we’re okay with it, that doesn’t mean it will be easy for him to go through – whether he’s gay, bi, trans, asexual, or questioning – if he’s basically anything that varies from cisgender, straight male, he’s not protected; he is subject to legal discrimination. He is subject to hate crimes. He is even subject to subtle (but repetitive and tiresome) day-to-day discrimination. Most of us don’t understand the more subtle acts of discrimination. When you see it happen to your child, though, it’s extremely painful, because you realize that people don’t even know they’re doing it. It is born out of assumptions, and we all know what happens when we make assumptions.
Adding insult to injury, just when we thought society had made considerable progress toward the acceptance of the LGBTQ community, we stepped backward in history by about 40 years. My home state of North Carolina just several months ago made House Bill 2 into law, which is unarguably the worst, most sweeping anti-LGBT law in U.S. history. I’m doing everything I can to fight against it, but I’m only one person, and I feel powerless against the massive tide of conservative power right now – conservatives who won’t be swayed, and are blind to the outright (and even subtle) discrimination that our LGBTQ brothers and sisters endure every single day.
What does subtle discrimination look like? Last year, during our school’s annual PTA basket raffle, my son and I were having a sneak peek at all the lavish baskets available for auction. He stopped to admire one in particular: The American Girl Doll Basket. Included was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed American Girl Doll, two outfits, and a white, lacy, frilly, doll-sized canopy bed. My son’s jaw dropped while he stood in admiration, having previously been unaware of the American Girl Doll Collection. (I have been, for years, cleverly hiding and recycling those dang catalogs we didn’t ask for but received because I know my son would want one, and I can’t justify the expensive price tag and upkeep for those dolls). But there she was, in all her American glory.
My son reached out his hand and caressed the doll’s hair gently, saying, “You’re so beautiful. I wish I could have you, and brush your hair.” Shortly thereafter, an adult woman walked by, saw what we were looking at, casually smiled and said, “Oh! That’s going to make some little girl really happy!!” As she continued breezing by, my son’s words disappeared into the thin air behind her as he muttered, “…or some little boy…” An innocent comment, from a well-intentioned person, but destructive nonetheless, because before that moment, my son was innocently naive to the fact that almost everyone thinks only girls could possibly enjoy dolls.
Similarly, from the first day he wore his sparkly “girls” backpack to school this year, several kids regularly gave him strange looks. Adults, too. In fact, one adult approached us on the way to school for small talk and commented, “I see you got your sister’s hand-me-down backpack,” chuckling at the cleverness of his own joke. My son stared at the ground, embarrassed, and not laughing while I gently told the man that “actually, my son had chosen it himself.” Awkwardness ensued, and we shrugged it off, but after the 18th or 20th of these such daily comments, my son could’ve easily decided to tuck his sparkly rainbow backpack in the corner of his bedroom closet where it would be hidden. He could’ve easily swapped it out for his old one – a neutral shade of pastel blue that he did not pick himself – and have a much easier time walking into the school building every day, blending in with the rest of the boys.
But, he has bravely and independently chosen not to do that. Instead, every day, I watch in awe as this fourth-grade boy of mine straps on a “girly girl’s backpack,” wears it like a warrior shield, and in the process, gives a collective middle finger to all those who dare to judge. His bravery, day after day, in this single act of noble defiance makes me feel like maybe I’ve done something right after all.
I wish it wasn’t so, but I have to realize that I can’t spare him of the “gay” slander, as much as I want to. I can’t stop kids from ignoring him, mocking him, or saying, “you can’t play with us.” I can’t stop the weird looks. I can’t stop the judgment. I can’t guarantee him dignity. As a parent, it’s heartbreaking to know that your child has to be brave just to be himself. I can’t stop the subtle discrimination that chips away at his foundation day after day. Hell, we can’t even offer him legal recourse or protection for such discrimination. Despite all of this, despite knowing the risks of letting him be himself, I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s just exactly the type of human I want to raise.
Today I’m going to tackle the world like Wonder Woman.
I may not have the gold bracelets and lasso like when I was younger and watched my idol fight on TV while wearing the same outfit, but friends, I have my Wonder Woman mug to fill me up with the strength to take on today.
I may not fight off any of the bad guys, jumping over burning cars and tying up a bank robber today, but I will be strong.
Because yesterday was a hard day.
I felt defeated. I felt a bit lost. I felt sad.
I miss my friends.
I miss long walks, meeting for coffee in town, and sharing the depths of my soul with my beloved friends. I miss hearing every little bit and piece of their life. Those pieces that forge trust and unbreakable bonds and right now texting is not cutting it.
I felt sad. I miss my girls being young.
And now I’m in the countdown mode for a departure for college and all of them growing up rapidly in front of me each day. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t expect all of the air to be sucked out of my lungs while thinking about it.
I felt sad. I miss the freedom my girls once had.
The freedom to go to school, knowing they are safe and not ever have to worry about quarantining. The freedom to walk into a store without a mask on and not worry about the potential danger. The freedom to not worry if their grandparents will be able to find a vaccine anytime soon.
I felt sad. I miss being a part of things.
I miss volleyball games, dance recitals, and reunions with old friends. Heck, I miss every single activity I used to complain about and how we were overscheduled and running around all over with barely enough time to think or let alone breathe. But today, I miss the busyness.
I felt sad.
I felt sad for those struggling each day, with their child at home who is beyond frustrated and giving it their all, but still not succeeding.
I felt sad for those who make a promise each night, that tomorrow will be a new day…a better attitude, more patience, and gratitude but by mid-day, they are worn out and feeling depleted.
I felt sad for our little ones who don’t recall what being in school feels like. The bustling hallways, walking into the art room and breathing in the subtle smell of paint, and the excitement of the new science experiment.
I felt sad for the middle schoolers who rely on their friends, as their life support, navigating the murky waters of adolescence and not being able to see them daily.
I felt sad for the high schoolers who have been patiently waiting for the rites of passage for each grade level and now sit at home behind a screen for class, behind a screen for FaceTime, and silently sit there alone, not really engaging and missing the vibrance of the building.
I felt sad for the college kids who haven’t even stepped foot on campus, attempting to bond with the best friends of their life, but can’t even enter another dorm room.
Friends, some days are just hard. Really hard…and yesterday was one of those days.
But today, I am prepared.
I have my Wonder Woman mug providing me with the armor I need to tackle today.
If I could only find my old Wonder Woman bracelets, I could maybe, just maybe, feel as if I could take on the entire world.
Ali Flynn Is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart, laughter and some tears. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Mom and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents and Her View From Home.
Chances are you’ve told your kids to put down their phones or turn off the video games. Kids growing up now have heard it all from well meaning parents looking to limit tech usage. New research from the University of Colorado Boulder suggests such restrictions have little effect on technology use later in life, and that fears of widespread and long-lasting “tech addiction” may be overblown.
“Are lots of people getting addicted to tech as teenagers and staying addicted as young adults? The answer from our research is ‘no’,” said lead author Stefanie Mollborn, a professor of sociology at the Institute of Behavioral Science. “We found that there is only a weak relationship between early technology use and later technology use, and what we do as parents matters less than most of us believe it will.”
The study, which analyzes a survey of nearly 1,200 young adults plus extensive interviews with another 56, is the first to use such data to examine how digital technology use evolves from childhood to adulthood.
The data were gathered prior to the pandemic, which has resulted in dramatic increases in the use of technology as millions of students have been forced to attend school and socialize online. But the authors say the findings should come as some comfort to parents worried about all that extra screen time.
“This research addresses the moral panic about technology that we so often see,” said Joshua Goode, a doctoral student in sociology and co-author of the paper. “Many of those fears were anecdotal, but now that we have some data, they aren’t bearing out.”
Published in Advances in Life Course Research, the paper is part of a 4-year National Science Foundation-funded project aimed at exploring how the mobile internet age truly is shaping America’s youth.
Since 1997, time spent with digital technology has risen 32% among 2- to 5-year-olds and 23% among 6- to 11-year-olds, the team’s previous papers found. Even before the pandemic, adolescents spent 33 hours per week using digital technology outside of school.
For the latest study, the research team shed light on young adults ages 18 to 30, interviewing dozens of people about their current technology use, their tech use as teens and how their parents or guardians restricted or encouraged it. The researchers also analyzed survey data from a nationally representative sample of nearly 1,200 participants, following the same people from adolescence to young adulthood.
Surprisingly, parenting practices like setting time limits or prohibiting kids from watching shows during mealtimes had no effect on how much the study subjects used technology as young adults, researchers found. Those study subjects who grew up with fewer devices in the home or spent less time using technology as kids tended to spend slightly less time with tech in young adulthood, but statistically, the relationship was weak.
“They feel like they are using tech a lot because they have to, they have it under control and they see a future when they can use less of it,” said Mollborn.
In many ways, Goode notes, teens today are just swapping one form of tech for another, streaming YouTube instead watching TV, or texting instead of talking on the phone.
That is not to say that no one ever gets addicted, or that parents should never instill limits or talk to their kids about its pros and cons, Mollborn stresses. “What these data suggest is that the majority of American teens are not becoming irrevocably addicted to technology. It is a message of hope.”
She recently launched a new study, interviewing teens and parents in the age of COVID-19. Interestingly, she said, parents seem less worried about their kids’ tech use during the pandemic than they were in the past. “They realize that kids need social interaction and the only way to get that right now is through screens. Many of them are saying, ‘Where would we be right now without technology?'”