I had been divorced for a couple of years when my former husband called with a surprise. Thankfully, it wasn’t the type of surprise he delivered the night he sat me at the table and told me he had been unfaithful for more than a decade and was leaving me for someone he met in Las Vegas.

No, this surprise had to do with our 12-year-old son. He said he was taking him to China for a vacation. I got that feeling you get when you walk in on a conversation, and everyone is laughing and looking at you like you know what they’re talking about.

China?

How had this come about? I searched my memory for some mention of anything remotely Chinese on my son’s wish list. Had the two of them been to see the First Emperor’s Terracotta Warriors on display at the Field Museum? Or taken a school field trip to Chinatown that I didn’t know about?

The only connection I could come up with was my son’s collection of Pokemon cards, but those are Japanese.

“Um… that would be cool, I guess,” I said, still processing the random nature of his declaration. By the time I gathered my thoughts enough to pose some questions and concerns, he announced that he had bought tickets to travel during a school week and over days that were technically mine on the parenting schedule.

“I can’t change it,” he said. “If I do, I’ll have to pay $1,000 and I know you don’t want that.”

What I didn’t want was to be told what to think or how to feel. An immediate, familiar pressure gripped my chest as I recalled all the activities and decisions that had already occurred behind my back. That he would plan something so extravagant for our son without discussing it with me felt too unfair. I was already struggling with the realities of co-parenting our three children, still getting used to the myriad ways a divorced mom must learn to let go as she is eased out of her job.

After college, I worked as a secretary in London for a few months and learned that, rather than firing people, workers are “made redundant.” It means the same thing but sounds so much nicer. I’ve been made redundant as a mother—no longer needed or useful in all the ways I once was.

This shows up in small ways:

Tell me about your science project. “I don’t want to talk about it. I told dad all about it.”

Want to see the new Marvel movie? “Sorry, mom, we saw it with dad.”

Guess what? I got pizza for dinner! (A chorus of groans.) “We had pizza two nights in a row with dad!”

And in big ways, like feeling helpless and broken during that stretch when my daughter called, in tears, begging to come home every time she was at her dad’s. Or having no words of comfort when my boys expressed their anger about their dad’s girlfriend moving in.

All of those impotent moments were triggered again by the thought of my son flying halfway around the world without me. I imagined him sleep-deprived and anxious from the long flight, wandering lost in a crowded street market, even starving, thanks to his finicky diet.

Overprotective? Maybe. But once your trust in someone is so completely shattered, how do you patch enough of it together to cover some areas and not others? I believe my kids’ dad is, as a parent, loving and devoted. But I believed that about him as a husband, too, and I was wrong.

I don’t blame myself for being guarded. I believe that any mother who has ever experienced betrayal would likely volunteer to go through it again rather than see her kids suffer a similar disappointment. At the same time, I have to be careful not to color my kids’ experiences with my disappointments. For me, this meant smiling while I packed a suitcase and waved bon voyage to my baby. It also meant feeling genuine happiness when my baby returned unscathed, unperturbed and a little more worldly.

Yes, I have learned some wonderful lessons on this road back from betrayal.

Here are the big ones.

Respond rather than react.

One of the best decisions I made early in the divorce process was to treat negotiations as business agreements and relegate them to emails rather than phone calls. That way, I can take my time and formulate a clear-headed answer on my timeline. Reacting equals losing power. Responding equals reclaiming power.

Have your facts straight.

In the case of the China trip, I assumed that my son couldn’t be taken out of the country without my permission. But when I checked our parenting agreement, I saw that my former husband only needed written permission from me for the first 24 months following the divorce. Wow. That shocked me, but there it was, in black and white.

Gathering the facts gave me time to gather my thoughts enough to get clear about my objections and whether they were ones I had a right to make. As galling as it is to have to follow rules with a rule-breaker who broke your heart, do it anyway.

Come from a “well-fed” place.

This is the juicy center, the meat inside the sandwich. Everything revolves around my ability to get quiet, tune in and take responsibility for my inner world. What are my motivations? Is this about me or my kids? Am I fighting for the sake of fighting? Am I settling an old score? Am I bored, lonely or craving drama? I need to look at whether I’m feeding myself what I need rather than entering into a “hungry” exchange with my former husband.

Of course, life, in its perfection, always provides us with opportunities to practice these skills. I had another chance when our daughter turned 13 and her dad decided it was her turn for an extravagant trip—to Thailand. This time I was prepared.

My response? Don’t forget your sunscreen.

Oh, and bring me back a Buddha.

Originally published in June 2018 on She Does the City.

RELATED LINKS
Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You
When Divorce Is the Only Answer
Why I Stopped Overcompensating for My Kids’ Absent Dad

Tammy Letherer is an author, writing coach and blogger. She holds a degree in Journalism from Indiana University and has enjoyed a long, varied professional writing career. She is the author of a memoir, The Buddha at My Table (release date October 2018) and a novel, Hello Loved Ones. She lives in Chicago with her children.

The chances are high you’ve struggled to pull your child away from the screen or caught your kid scrolling on their phone late at night even when you set clear rules about no devices in bed. You’re so not alone. As parents, all of us are trying to help our kids navigate tech overload, but so often we feel we need to be supermoms and solve these problems on our own.

As the Director of Policy and Programs at the California Partners Project, a nonprofit ensuring California’s media and tech industries are a force for good in our children’s lives, I’m working to unpack how tech and social media are impacting families and creating a space for parents to be real with each other. Last fall, our team released a report Are the Kids Alright? to get a sense of how California teens were coping with the pandemic, and we found that tech has entertained and provided much-needed connection, but it has also sparked “addiction”, anxiety, loneliness, and disrupted sleep.

These problems aren’t going away anytime soon, so to get a better understanding of what families and kids are navigating, CPP and our co-founder California First Partner Jennifer Siebel Newsom launched a listening tour to hear from diverse caregivers about their pandemic parenting experiences.

I’m so grateful I got to join and lead conversations with dozens of moms, and I’m pretty amazed by how resilient we parents are. We’ve experienced so much trauma over the last year and a half and most parents (myself included) haven’t had meaningful opportunities to download and process our experiences and feelings. The struggle to manage life at home amidst isolation, screen saturation, and fear is real.

Parents told me that they haven’t been able to shield their kids from endless stressful news coverage, and others talked about how hard it is to create meaningful agreements around video games—especially when expectations are different between two parents. Many also shared that there is a dark side to popular apps they previously thought provided innocent entertainment. In one listening session, I heard about the growing anxiety and depression that children have experienced as the pandemic has worn on. “For us, there was so much anxiety because it was so unknown,” one mom said. “The kids wanted to go to school, they wanted to go to prom. Last year I had a 12th grader and she missed her prom, she missed her graduation and she was frustrated having to deal on a day to day and we were talking about putting her into counseling.”

After hearing parents echo common challenges, and discovering that so many of us feel we are in this alone, CPP created responsive toolkits with tips, recommendations, and best practices to help parents teach their kids how to practice healthy tech use. Our team talked to expert psychologists, pediatricians, educators, and other mental health providers to shape each toolkit with practical tips parents can use in their own homes. Check out some of the highlights, which I hope serve as a jumping off point for conversation and connection within your family:

How Can Parents Navigate Screen & Tech Saturation?

1. Discuss your approach to tech and media use with your co-parent or caregiver before you have difficult conversations.

Consider a family media agreement to begin a discussion with your child’s other parent (see Common Sense Media Family Media Agreement). These types of documents will help outline issues that might arise and provide an opportunity for discussion before you have to face the issue in real-time.

2. Create a family exercise challenge to get your kids off the screen.

Create a sit-up, push-up, or dance competition your family can do right in your own home. These simple exercises are practical ways to get stronger and more fit without equipment or classes (see Parents Together Family Challenge).

Don’t feel bad if your family has gone off-course with tech use. Acknowledge that some rules were suspended during a difficult year plus. Vicki Harrison, MSW and Program Director at the Center for Youth Mental Health and Wellbeing at Stanford University School of Medicine, recommends parents recognize that the last year was difficult and some unintended habits that got us through won’t continue as we recalibrate to a new and shifting reality.

3. If your child is feeling anxious about the news, set a plan to watch the news with them and/or discuss the content of the news of the day.      

The APA recommends that parents set guidelines about what time of the day the family checks the news (APA). If your child is young, try to make sure the news is not on unless you or a trusted adult is monitoring what they are hearing and seeing. Ask your children what they think about the news and take time to listen to their response. Remind your children and teens to stick to trusted news sites to gather information.

If you’re looking for ways to manage your child’s devices, start with the settings. In most cases, according to research, if you want to begin to activate restrictions on devices or applications, whether for content or time limits, the best place to begin is settings. Platforms like Google (Digital Wellbeing) and Apple (Screen Time) have programs that allow you to put restrictions on your devices.

I know it will take time to help our children process the grief and loss they’ve experienced, but I am inspired that we can open up a dialogue and create space for parents to be honest with one another to help our children emerge from the pandemic healthy and whole.

Laura Sanders Morris & California Partners Project

Laura Sanders Morris
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

With a sustained commitment to socially responsible outcomes I have served on national and local boards advocating for children, gender and race equity. I recently transferred my passion for education and media to pursue an advanced degree in education leadership. I live in San Francisco with my husband Ken and my two sons.

My marriage, like any other, started on an excellent footing. It began with hope and great expectation, and there were love and friendship. We were two young people taking this marriage journey together. Because we were different in every respect despite the effort to become united in spirit and flesh, we still saw things from a divergent perspective. That’s not surprising as we had a completely different upbringing and background.

Could it be that the essentials that make a healthy and successful marriage (the strings that bind the package together) were completely missing in my marriage?

I must confess that some of these elements probably were carelessly handled. Was there a lack of communication, patience, humility, forgiveness, time commitment, faithfulness, honesty, and trust? All leading to an inevitable failed marriage? Probably so.

As far as I’m concerned, as the husband and breadwinner, I thought I was doing my best to make sure my family didn’t lack anything. But by so doing, I missed spending quality time with my wife, and that was a problem in itself. I don’t want to paint myself as a saint because they say it takes two to tango and the fault should be shared by both parties, for that reason, I should be partly blamed. If I was more mature maybe I would have handled many situations much better. Indeed, being ready to be more patient, humble, and able to forgive. Doing so would have solved many problems that later became a thorn in my side.

The breakup was very devastating for me, most especially with the children at the center of it all. They say when two elephants fight the grass suffers. My children weren’t the only ones who were affected by this turmoil because I was also caught in the middle as well. It caused me to weep in the open and in secret. I missed their warmth and everything else about my children, which caused me to become depressed and created other health problems that I might have for the rest of my life.

No Wonder They Say, Love Kills

Marriage is a natural and sacred institution contracted to last as long as we live. We say, “Till death do us part.”

The one-million-dollar question is, has this union always worked out for everybody as planned? The answer, without any hesitation, is absolutely NO. Is there a guide to fix these varied marriage problems? I hope so because it’s said where there’s a will, there should be a way. Therefore, both sides of the marriage should always plan to put their home in order.

Why didn’t my marriage work?

Well, it was all due to a catalog of missing fundamental building blocks that a great marriage creates. In addition to those mentioned previously, add the lack of maturity, patience, and forgiveness. What about self-ego, undaunting faithfulness, selfishness, and many more from both parties, as the fault of a failed marriage cannot be one-sided.

It needs the maturity of both sides for the marriage to succeed. Every union begins with great dreams: Love for one another, being faithful to each other, raise healthy and well-matured kids, both mentally, psychologically, and otherwise.

A marriage is like a flower that needs constant watering to grow. The same goes for a relationship—it requires many open discussions to keep it warm and running smoothly. Intrinsic is the need for wisdom, understanding, and all it will take to let it flourish. The more insight and knowledge we apply to the union, the more likely the marriage will survive and mature.

The consequences of a failed marriage are devastating. A couple must strive to tap into whatever resources are available to learn how to keep the marriage afloat. At the core, decisions must be made between both partners to decide who the wage earner is, which activities will be undertaken toward the children’s feeding and nurturing, and keeping the home running smoothly. It’s of utmost importance to maintain constant dialogs to put things in their right perspective. Doing so will prepare the marriage to weather any storm both in rosy and challenging times.

Furthermore, the waters can become choppy in a marriage when it becomes necessary to cooperate and lend a hand to extended family members (husband’s and wife’s siblings). These actions can cause so many setbacks where one part of the family is favored over the other.

It is no wonder that these issues constitute some of the headaches that marriages face (depending on tradition and culture). Some cultures expressly include extended families in the marriage. As the saying goes: when you’re married into a family, you’re not just married to your wife or husband but to the whole clan.

Just this aspect can produce fruits of discord instead of agreement and love. When that happens, it means love has become bitter and downright poisonous in the marriage. It begins to go down a slippery slope producing contrary effects. But when the children are caught in the middle of all this confusion, it becomes even dangerous for everybody involved, and it could provoke a lot of unwanted problems.

Things get out of hand entirely when the father or the mother enters into a new marriage after their divorce. Children’s issues become more challenging and can escalate when one parent isn’t cooperative. Still, it’s imperative to continue looking for ways by all means despite the rough path to follow.

With all things being equal, my marriage has taught me a lifelong lesson. Though I cannot go back and correct the past, I will always make good the lessons learned by investing in the present and hoping for a better and prosperous future.

Pedro Odubayo Thompson
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Pedro O. Thompson (aka, KARIMO), you can call him POT.

Pedro is a Prolific Certified Translator. He translates from English to Spanish and English to English. He is an Image/Book Copy Editor/a Writer & Blogger, coupled with a good background in business settings/publishing, and  a keen interest in public affairs.

 

Whether you are keeping it small and celebrating with your spouse and kids or planning to attend larger family gatherings, things may be stressful. Here are seven things to think about before committing and attending family events this 2020 holiday season:

1. “Is this good or bad for my mental health?”
Bottom line, if you know a visit to your family will knock you off your “center” the answer is you should not go. We are living in a pandemic for goodness’ sake—some families won’t be able to see one another even if they wanted to due to COVID-19 restrictions. I don’t think going out of your way to visit people you know will significantly upset you is worth the added stress. The fallout from bad family visits can cause a splash big enough to ripple for weeks before and after the event. Some of the ripple’s effects may include:

  • Increased self-harm, anxiety, depressed mood, anger, feelings of isolation, and suicidal ideation.
  • Increased levels of cortisol (stress hormone) which may cause muscle weakness, severe fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, high blood pressure, and headache.
  • Increase in digestive issues such as diarrhea and/or constipation.
  • Disrupted sleep leading up to and after the gathering.

2.  “Am I able to set boundaries?”
Many of us are learning for the first time in our lives how to respectfully set boundaries in our relationships with others. Often it’s easier to set them with co-workers and acquaintances because we don’t usually have a past with them like we do with our family members. That being said, will you be able to ask your family to respect X? Will they be able to? If they don’t, will you even agree to go? What if they say “yes” and then once you arrive they don’t, what now?

3. “Will I be able to enforce my boundaries?”
Setting a boundary is different from enforcing it. Think of it like legislators vs. police. One writes the laws and the other makes sure we obey them. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page with who will enforce the boundary and how. This can include a tag-team effort. Just make sure going into the event that you are in agreement regarding who does what. Also, what happens if extended family cross the boundary?

4. “What is the cost/benefits to my family?”
Allowing and encouraging our children to have close relationships with extended family members has been the “norm” for generations. Families traditionally have done everything together and wouldn’t have survived without the help of each member. That being said, all types of abuse have also been happening in families since the dawn of time. The abuse can range from severe to mild, physical to emotional. It doesn’t matter the type, it’s not OK on any level.

If you are potentially putting yourself, spouse, and/or your children into a toxic environment you need to look at who benefits and how much. Sometimes parents who abused their children are wonderful grandparents because they’ve changed and grown. While seeing them may trigger you, you know your children benefit from seeing and interacting with grandparents and your triggers are manageable. Mentally preparing yourself for the visit and having clear expectations allows you to remain in control and decreases feelings of anxiety.

5. “Can everyone agree not to bring up politics (or any other “hot topic”)?”
I believe in setting people up for success. One of the ways to do that with holiday gatherings this year is to have everyone agree to not bring up certain topics. No, this doesn’t make the gathering inauthentic. No, this doesn’t mean we are isolating Aunt Edna because she is the “only one who voted that way.” It means we are showing mutual respect for one another and all agreeing ahead of time to not talk about certain things.

6. “Have I brought a sensory distraction?”
When we feel threatened we stop using our frontal lobes (judgment, reason, understanding), and instead our thoughts stem from either our limbic system (the emotional center which results in over-the-top impulsive responses) or our cerebellum (survival mode which is flight/fright/freeze). One way to regain control of your thoughts and/or feelings at the moment is to ground yourself using one of your five senses.

  • Wear a rubber band on your wrist and when you get irritated “snap” yourself out of it.
  • Take some sour candy and/or black licorice with you and “startle” yourself back to the control center by shocking your taste buds.
  • Lastly, if you do have smelling salts (or strong essential oils) bring them with you and take a whiff to calm down when you start feeling bothered.

7. “Have I created an exit plan?
Feeling in control will be the No. 1 “stress reliever” you’ve got, which means having a solid exit plan ready to implement if things go sideways. Both you and your spouse need to agree on the exit plan, maybe even have a code word and a prearranged excuse (if you don’t want to have to “get into it” at the moment) for when the plan gets implemented. Talk to your kids about it beforehand so they don’t feel sucker-punched. You don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty of “why” with them if you don’t want to just give them enough info so they know what to do. This will help you get out faster and with less confusion.

There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to how you manage the upcoming holiday season. My final words of advice are this: You aren’t responsible for making sure everyone in your extended family has a “happy holiday season.” Your first commitment should be to protect the mental health of yourself, spouse, and children. It’s OK to hit the “pause” button in relationships. This doesn’t mean you’re a failure and it doesn’t mean you don’t care about the other person. It merely means you are strong and self-aware enough to not set yourself (partner and kids) up for failure.

I am a 42-year-old biological mother of two young children in a same-sex relationship, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in neuropsychological assessment, a music therapist, a trainer of therapy dogs and ex-communicated Mormon from Indiana with a wicked sense of humor. 

Let’s play a little Jeopardy, shall we? The answer, for $500: “Being cooped up for six months with no social gatherings, wearing masks everywhere we go, working from home but still losing income, terrifying nightly news reports every day of the week, and confusing opinions about how school should look this fall”. Ding! “What are some of the situations that are leading to greater conflict in our families during COVID, Alex?” Correct! $500 pretend dollars for the exhausted-looking person reading this article!

Chances are you know exactly what I’m talking about. Not only is there still great fear about the virus in general, but people are on edge about the economy, our jobs, our kids’ schooling, loneliness and disconnection in our extended families and communities, and more. And this viral crisis shows no signs of ending anytime soon. As a therapist, I can tell you it’s leading to heightened conflict in homes across America. How do we better manage the stress, frustration, anger, and disappointment so that we can keep distress in our families to a minimum? Here are five top tips for handling conflict during COVID. 

1. Listen: When you are not in agreement with someone important to you, listen to and validate the other person’s point of view. This is the best first step. It’s disarming for people when they feel truly heard, especially when two people have very different beliefs or feelings on an issue. You don’t have to agree with someone to reiterate their point back to them in an attempt to show you are listening and you understand where they are coming from. Start here.

2. Try and find common ground: Emphasize anything that is similar or that you can agree upon. This can lead to a faster resolution and better compromise. You maybe want something done differently or at a different pace, but usually what we all want in the end is similar: peace, order, harmony, progress, healing, chocolate, and naps. Look for areas where you can reach an agreement.

3. Let it go: Sometimes it isn’t worth the fight. Remember: people do not have to agree. Ultimately we need to learn to let go of control of others. We should seek to be kind and respectful above being right/winning. Not every fight is one you can let slide… but perhaps you can change your tone or approach in a disagreement to lower the level of conflict with people you love.

4. Become a proficient apologizer: When you do mess up and things get heated or you’ve been unkind, don’t hesitate to apologize. When you ask for forgiveness for your behavior or words, all it means is that you are acknowledging that you did something hurtful, not that you are a bad or weak person. The healthiest people apologize easily (it takes lots of practice to get there) because they see nothing wrong with admitting they may have done something hurtful to someone else. An “I’m sorry” can go a long way in times of conflict, and it’s a great example to set for others around us who may struggle with this basic relationship skill. Be generous with repair attempts. It ultimately will pave the way for greater peace in our most important relationships. 

5. Practice self-care: Work on emotional management and de-stressing outside of times of conflict. Find ways to process your emotions and create healthy outlets for your stress. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so that you can be as balanced as possible when conflict does arise. Work on healthy food choices for optimal health, improve sleep hygiene and routine, and move your body with a simple exercise like walking. Get outside. Play with your pet. Find a few minutes alone each day. Meditate, journal, or create a spiritual practice. Recognize when you need a break from other people, and make it happen. Go for a drive. Sit in the sun for a few minutes. Even a few minutes of self-care daily can help us create the internal peace we need to stay calm when conflict does arise. 

Most of all, cut yourself and others around you some slack. This is unprecedented. People are struggling. This is hard. There is great uncertainty. We are all just taking it day by day. In times as stressful as this, we know that incidents of conflict are going to rise—it’s inevitable. We can’t change that fact, but we can be prepared with strategies like the ones suggested above to help smooth over the struggles brought upon by the unprecedented difficulties we are all living through at this time. We can do this, Friends. For our families, and with our families, we can do this.

Erin Wiley, MA, LPC, LPCC, is a clinical psychotherapist and the Executive Director of The Willow Center, a counseling practice in Toledo, Ohio. The clinical focus of her therapy work is marriage, family, parenting, and relationships. She has extensive training in marriage counseling from the Gottman Institute. 

This season of uncertainty and adaptation has been particularly impactful on pregnant women, and we’d be remiss to not acknowledge the additional stress on this specific population as prenatal visits are canceled or moved to telehealth sessions. There’s conflicting information about how the virus may impact pregnant women and infants, hospitals adopt strict visitor policies, and family members can no longer travel to help after the baby is born. A season of anticipated preparation has been replaced with distancing, crushed expectations, and in some cases the threat of giving birth or recovering without the support of a partner, doula, or family.

If you’re preparing to give birth, and especially for vulnerable populations, connection and community is critical. I am just as passionate, if not more passionate, about the need for support during this global pandemic. As a doula and the CEO of Claris Health, a nonprofit working with pregnant women, I have recently had dozens of conversations with confused, anxious, or disappointed pregnant women. One thing has become clear: We’re not meant to live in isolation. It is not good for our emotional and relational health. That said, I’ve witnessed creative ways to build networks of support. My hope is that women don’t view this pandemic as entrapment, but rather an opportunity for education, creativity, and wonderful birth plans.

When working on your birth plan, remember that it isn’t a set of rules. It’s a helpful guide of preferences for you, your support team, and your provider to discuss and agree to. It’s also an opportunity to research evidence-based practices for labor, delivery, newborn care, and more.

Here are a few things to consider:

●      Check your hospital website for their current visitor policy.

●      Look up sample birth plans online or, if you have a doula, review some of her samples. 

●      Draft your plan keeping in mind what’s most important to you. Evidencebasedbirth.com is an excellent resource in blog and podcast form.

●      Review your plan with your partner and provider. Make sure they are in agreement or explain any concerns. Your partner will be your greatest advocate so they should understand each point.

●      Build your support team. Consider who can labor with you at home and through the hospital transition. Even if a doula or family member can’t come to the hospital with you, they can continue to be a virtual support. A calming and knowledgeable voice throughout the entire process can make a huge difference. Just because I’m not allowed to be at the hospital with my clients right now, doesn’t mean that my role is eliminated. It has changed, but it’s just as important as always.

●      Consider your options and motivations. For example, are you considering an induction or scheduled c-section so that you can try to control the timing of your labor? Are you choosing an in or out of hospital birth because you’re afraid of the alternative? Decisions driven by fear may not result in the best possible outcomes. I’ve had clients choose the hospital and home births in the last month, and I’ve seen them wrestle with decisions and consider the pros and cons of each. All have had safe deliveries and are home with healthy, beautiful babies. I’m sure they would have loved to avoid some of the stress and changes late in their pregnancies, but for some, it actually encouraged them to thoroughly think through all available options and make the best decision for their situation. I have had a few women switch to a home birth, which surprisingly resulted in helping them achieve the birth they desired all along—in a familiar, relaxing environment, surrounded by those who could support them through the entire process. Thankfully, their OB’s were supportive and provided back up should they have needed a transfer to the hospital.

While we are walking through uncharted territory, one thing has not changed: You are incredibly strong and capable of bringing new life into the world. No matter how many people are in the room with you as you give birth, you are not alone. There are people who love and believe in you, and you have everything you need to get through this.        

 

 

CEO of Claris Health, Talitha Phillips. She has  served as the CEO of Claris for 18 years and is in charge of vision casting, leadership, organizational development, strategy and fundraising. Talitha holds a BA in Organizational Communication from Pepperdine University and is a certified labor & postpartum doula.

Photo: Rawpixel

Books are my spirit animal. Well, maybe dragonflies, but anything bound and full of inspiration and insight runs a close second in stirring my soul. While many of us in the book lover club have read hundreds upon hundreds of amazing works, we usually sink our heart into a few favorites.

One of my all-time cherished books, which I recommend to anyone willing to listen, is The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. This little gem is only 138 pages, but every word awakens the spirit and makes you think. You come to a certain knowing with each agreement listed, nodding your head in affirmation of a spoken truth.

Don Miguel Ruiz shares how making only four agreements with yourself and the universe can unfold and unfurl the bound-up version of self and lead you back to your authentic identity and purpose. Doing so awards you the freedom to live from a place of wholeness.

Regardless of your worldview or spiritual beliefs/non-belief, these four agreements make sense because they’re universal truths any of us can and want to live out. No matter who I recommend this book to, no matter what they believe beyond the here and now, the wisdom shared within The Four Agreements resonates.

1. Be impeccable with your word.

All we need do is look at Twitter for 30 seconds to realize how often this agreement finds rejection. Words matter. They can cause irreparable damage and instill lasting hope. This world is in dire need of the latter.

2. Don’t take things personally.

Who doesn’t do this? And how is it working out for us? The rampant “everything is about me” mentality is causing widespread disconnect and detachment.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

We live in a world that functions on assumption more than fact. Headlines and gossip have become the basis for judgment. In large part because communication, which requires listening, discerning, studying, has become a lost art.

4. Do your best.

Every human can start doing this right now. Doing our best is enough, even if some days our finest hour is a complete mess or failure. Doing our best includes accepting and forgiving ourselves and others for collective weaknesses and faults.

As common sense as these agreements sound, we’ve all fallen into the trap of living outside their boundaries. The human thing, ego thing, illusion thing, is hard. But continued resistance to these positive commitments means more misery, suffering and dysfunction will exist. The good news is, a mindful decision to enter into these agreements—the best we can—will change the world around us. Instantly.

Consider just one example: if you decide not to take your coworkers comment personally today, then your time home with the family after work will be pleasant and enjoyable. This in turn makes for a stress-free evening for your spouse and kids. The lack of tension helps everyone have a good night’s rest. And, come morning, each person in your family starts a new day feeling refreshed, joyful and ready to face the world.

In this scenario, agreeing to not take things personally in one single instance affects the entirety of your experience going forward, including all the people in your sphere of influence. One agreement by one individual in one moment of time has the power to change countless lives via the ripple effect.

The four agreements Don Miguel Ruiz challenges us to embody are powerful, important, healing. My commitment to practicing them has changed my life, my family, the people around me.

Although I’m just one person making a small difference in a limited space, together we can make a significant difference in an ever-expanding space. Humanity deserves the healing.

This post originally appeared on Thrive Global.

A self-described “sappy soul whisperer/sarcasm aficionado,” Shelby is a wife of 27 years & mom of three millennials. She co-authored How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don't need to say, "I'm fine.") Her stories are in print at Guideposts, online at sites like Her View From Home and Parenting Teens & Tweens, and at shelbyspear.com. Get 3 FREE chapters of Shelby's book

Photo: Suzanne Weerts

Our nest was empty. Briefly. The college girl was on the last leg of her senior year and the college boy had moved into his freshman dorm just six months ago. My husband and I were getting used to our new normal. Dinners with Alex Trebek. Lazy Saturday mornings with the coffee and the newspaper and no games or practices to get to, no one’s schedules but our own. Me crawling into my daughter’s empty bed when my husband’s snoring got too loud. No more “Shhhhh! The kids are down the hall!” during sex. We were getting into a groove. Just beginning to rediscover each other and to remember who we were before these other people came along a couple of decades ago.

And then, abruptly, that all came to an end. In a matter of a week, both kids were home. And not home like Christmas break, “Mom, I need to borrow the car to go to the mall!” home. Not like a random weekend, “I thought I’d come for a visit and maybe bring my laundry?” home. But home as in “I have to be out of my dorm in 36 hours” home.” As in “Should I wear gloves and a mask when I pack?” home. As in “But I haven’t seen my friends in months can’t we just hang out at the park?” home, and the answer is “NO! You HAVE to social distance!” home.

Who would ever have thought this is how senior year would end, and yet it has thanks to a global pandemic, and I am trying to help the girl focus on the positive: the meaningful graduation she’ll have from graduate school in two years and how fortunate she is that she already secured her letters of recommendation.

Who would have thought that all those bins and bedding it feels like we just bought at Target would be squeezed into the boy’s childhood bedroom so many months before the summer break? I am trying to give my children a sense of security in a soft place to land when the edges around me feel sharp, as I also try to figure out what all this means to my work, the non-profits I support, and my husband’s business.

Meanwhile, the television that was all mine is now shared with the boy whose main connection with friends is on PS4 battlefields, and the WiFi that worked just fine is now split between four people on four laptops in four rooms with four sets of earbuds trying to carve out business, education and creative time without the things that inspire us to do so: the interactions with loved ones that we crave or the distractions of outings to the gym, concerts, museums, the beach.

Zoom is cool and all. We’re lucky to be connected, to be able to raise our hands in a virtual meeting and to see the faces of friends who I’m sure are wearing pajamas under their sweaters and are hiding roots under baseball caps. But Zoom doesn’t offer the comfort of a long hug or sense of agreement from a firm handshake. You can’t get the feel for a room when your eyes are flitting from little square to little square featuring virtual colleagues. I rarely end one of those meetings fulfilled. But maybe it is because most of my conference calls lately have involved conversations about uncertainty over when or if postponed events can be rescheduled and at what point we should consider layoffs and furloughs.

I wonder how my kids’ professors will engage students tiled in Zoom squares, and if the opportunity to take classes pass/fail will render these next few months of virtual learning pointless. Will the asterisk that surely will sit next to the spring semesters of our student’s High School and College transcripts affect their futures? Will the internships and jobs they applied for this summer even exist? How many families will not be able to afford college next year because of changes to parent and student employment?

All these questions are making us lethargic. We take regular walks around the neighborhood, waving at people we’ve seen but never met. They smile, happy for human connection if only from across the street, but behind their eyes I see the strain of the strangeness of this time. For some, I imagine there is also relief at the break from the whirlwind of normal life, but I wonder how long that will last before they run out of energy to get off the couch, to make a meal out of canned beans and pasta, to read those books stacked in their queues. When will they actually run out of toilet paper? With four of us now at home, I realize I didn’t take the rush on the TP aisle seriously enough.

The kids make fun of our Jeopardy dinners. “You two have turned into a couple of old people,” they joke. But we put them in their place when their costly college educations earn them less-points than our decades-old bargain degrees.

Our birds have flown home for the time being, their disappointment palpable, but they are counting on us for comfort and continuity through this Covid-crisis. I line the nest with board games and baked goods. I watch their favorite movies and Netflix shows. I take MasterClasses online and set myself up to learn as they do. Clearly we are all figuring this out as we go and I imagine there will be unexpected lessons. I can only hope they lead to a new version of the future with previously unimagined possibilities.

Suzanne Weerts is a producer, writer and storyteller who shares tales from her life on stages across Southern California. The mother of two young adults, she does a lot of yoga, eats a lot of chocolate and drinks her fair share of wine in a quest for calm.

Countless kids and young adults are trying to change the world. Swedish teen activist, Greta Thunberg, the founder of the Fridays for Future movement, has already inspired many to stand up for their beliefs. Now, the 17-year-old has been nominated for the Nobel peace prize for the second year in a row. 

According to the Associated Press, Thunberg was nominated by two Sweedish lawmakers, Jens Holms and Hakan Svenneling, who are both members of Sweden’s Left Party. They said that Thunberg, “has worked hard to make politicians open their eyes to the climate crisis” and “action for reducing our emissions and complying with the Paris Agreement is therefore also an act of making peace.”

In 2018, at age 15, Thunberg sat in front of the Swedish parliament every school day for three weeks to protest the lack of action on the climate crisis. After posting her crusade on Instagram and Twitter she went viral, inspiring fellow students throughout the world to join protests demanding action on climate change. 

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Just over a year ago, a quiet and mostly friendless teenager woke up, put on her blue hoodie, and sat by herself for hours in an act of singular defiance. Fourteen months later, she had become the voice of millions, a symbol of a rising global rebellion. The politics of climate action are as entrenched and complex as the phenomenon itself, and @gretathunberg has no magic solution. But she has succeeded in creating a global attitudinal shift, transforming millions of vague, middle-of-the-night anxieties into a worldwide movement calling for urgent change. @gretathunberg is TIME’s 2019 Person of the Year. Read the cover story by @charlottealter, @suyinsays and @justinworland—and watch the full video—at the link in bio. #TIMEPOY Video by @robson.alexandra, @juliamarielull, @arpane and @maxim_arbugaev for TIME

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Thunberg was favored to win the award last year, but the prize ultimately went to Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed. If she wins this year, she will join Malala Yousafzai as one of the youngest people to receive a Nobel Peace Prize. 

In 2019, Thunberg was named Time magazine’s “Person of the Year,” and was one of four people named as the winners of a Right Livelihood Award, aka the “Alternative Nobel.”

The Norwegian Nobel Committee will announce the winner of this year’s 2020 Nobel Peace Prize later in the year.

—Jennifer Swartvagher  

Featured photo: Greta Thunberg via Instagram

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More than two million nonmilitary federal workers will soon be eligible for 12 weeks of parental leave.

Congress recently reached an agreement that would give federal employees (sorry, this soon-to-be law doesn’t extend to non-government employees) paid leave to care for a newborn or adopted child.

photo: Lisa Fotios via Pexels

Provided the deal is passed and signed into law, it will become the first major change in benefits for federal workers since 1993 and the Family and Medical Leave Act. Even though this new expansion of federal employee parental leave benefits is a step in the right direction, it isn’t a done deal yet. It must pass the House vote before it moves on to the President.

While there are plenty of applause for this potential paid parental leave act, some advocates still think the new measure should also include benefits for federal employees who need to care for non-infant/child family members. Rep. Carolyn Maloney, D-N.Y. said, in a prepared statement to NBC News, “I believe with all my heart that we need a policy that supports that hard-working young woman who is having her new baby, that supports the father in crisis who is caring for his two-year-old daughter with cancer, and that supports the dedicated husband who is helping his wife recover from her stroke.”

—Erica Loop

 

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