Imagine if every time you took the garbage out or loaded the dishwasher someone offered helpful tips on how to do it more efficiently. Now imagine if, after every meal, someone in your family gave a critique of the food and made suggestions for the next meal.

How would you feel? Well, I know how I would feel: deflated, frustrated, and unmotivated.

Without realizing it, this is basically what some parents are doing to their children after every practice or game. As soon as the child leaves the field, Mom or Dad starts in.

Sometimes, it’s friendly tips that are meant to be helpful. Sometimes, it’s more commanding advice, like “Swing with more power” or “Pay more attention to the ball.” Other times, parents just ask so many questions they exhaust their children (who are already tired from the game).

I can tell you with confidence that all children—and I mean all children—hate the questions and constructive criticism. Young athletes start to dread the car ride home because they know they are held captive with nowhere to exit. The analysis of the game and the helpful hints completely suck the fun out of the game.

What’s worse, that fleeting car ride can have a lasting, if unintended, effect.

In my practice as a family coach, I see it time and time again. A child has loved sports for many years. Then all of a sudden, poof, he or she has no interest in ever playing again—and the parents are left scratching their heads.

It’s all too common. Up to 70 percent of youth athletes stop playing the game by age 13, according to a survey conducted by The National Alliance for Youth Sports. The reason? Heartbreakingly, because the game is no longer fun.

Even the most well-intentioned parent can ruin the fun by being overly invested in the outcome of a game or the growth of their player. (And it’s a shame because, besides being fun, playing a sport is shown to improve academic outcomes, lower the risk of alcohol and drug use, reduce unexpected pregnancies, and improve social relationships.)

I know it’s hard not to share what you see from the sidelines. I know parents are just trying to connect with their children. But, more often than not, it’s not working.

The good news? There’s an easy fix. Greet your player when the game is over in one of two ways, and you will revolutionize the way your child feels about being on the team.

Option 1: “I love to watch you play.”

Option 2: “Where should we go for ice cream?”

By telling your child how much you enjoy seeing their effort, win or lose, you are conveying support and reinforcing the joy of the game. I see so many young players immediately looking into the stands to see a parent’s reaction to a goal or a great defensive move. They want—no, they crave—the positive affirmations from their parents.

So, give it to them.

(This also goes for those parents glued to their phones on the sidelines. Look up! You want to be there to catch their eye.)

The more you focus on the joy of watching them—not winning, not technique, not strategy—the more they’ll actually enjoy playing (and, not incidentally, the more likely they’ll actually improve).

Now, ice cream after a game isn’t always necessary. But, win or lose, it sure is nice.

Catherine Pearlman, Ph.D., LCSW, is a therapist, avid youth sports parent, and founder of The Family Coach. This post originally appeared on MOJO.

MOJO is on a mission to make youth sports more fun for everyone — one kid, one coach, one family at a time. 

First of all, it’s hard. Parenting, I mean. Parenting is hard, no matter how you do it. Totally sober or drunk half the time, it’s not an easy job for anyone.

The hardest part of parenting for me is the anxiety. It’s more than just worries. It’s an embodied sensation, a tightening in my gut, a shallowness of breath that used to not go away until I had a drink or two.

Early on in my motherhood journey, I would use alcohol as a way to relax at the end of the day, to let go, to finally unwind after all that caregiving.

But after a while, I realized clearly that my seemingly harmless drinks at night had spiraled into a full-blown addiction. Even though I wasn’t drinking all day long, even though I was only having a drink or two every other night, I didn’t know how to unwind anymore without some wine or tequila—and I realized I had to stop.

My story is way more dramatic than that, but I won’t go into it here. That’s not the point. The point is what has happened on the other side of the drinking.

What I learned from being a sober mom is that sober parenting takes extra skills. When I stopped drinking, I had to learn how to achieve that calm and relaxed state that booze would give me, by myself. Meditation has been my number one tool. Also nature hikes, yoga, baths, reading, breathing, and singing all help. And, although these things are usually not as fun as a few margaritas, they do have their amazing and blissful moments.

Becoming a sober parent also meant I had to face all that emotional stuff I was trying to shove under the rug with my rosé. I found I actually still had a lot of trauma to heal around my experience of giving birth. I had a big pile of resentments I had to sort through. I uncovered wells of grief, rage, anger, sadness, guilt, and shame that needed to be sifted through and healed. None of that was accessible when I was drinking to self-soothe. I was suppressing my actual feelings. And the truth is, they really needed my attention.

Once I was able to give my attention to those neglected feelings in a real way through sobriety, things got a lot better. My stress levels went down. My anxiety became totally manageable. I experienced less depression. I felt less overwhelmed. I learned how to actually handle life.

But the best part was this: I became more present and loving with my kid. I didn’t feel like I needed to escape from her or numb out from motherhood anymore. I had actually processed and dealt with my emotional stuff; I had learned how to regulate my anxiety in a real way and I was able to be a way better parent than I was before.

Another truth about sober parenting, though, is that my social circles and activities changed. There was a while when I was pretty lonely and bored. But then I found other sober mom friends and started to fill my life with healthy activities.

I started waking up earlier and hiking. I started building a cool business that I love instead of feeling overwhelmed and unfocused. I started going out to dinner with whole tables of people who didn’t order drinks and we still had a lot of fun. I started going to meditation groups and finding new connections. I finished and published my book. My life got richer, fuller, and more diverse, and I got a lot healthier.

Being a sober parent has a lot of perks. I don’t have to worry about hangovers when my child wakes up at 6 a.m. and I have to be up with her. I don’t worry about being a little tipsy in the middle of the night when she needs me. I don’t have to worry about having a panic attack because I suppressed my anxiety and emotions with alcohol too many nights in a row. I don’t have to worry about not being able to drive her if there is an emergency.

All I have to worry about is the normal parenting stuff and how to best take care of all of us, including myself. And yeah, maybe I have to decline a few invitations to Mom’s Night Out to a bar. I have a few friends that I don’t hang out with much anymore because of how deep they are into drinking culture. I have to say no to the delicious-looking stout at the burger place and get a soda or some water instead. But those are all trade-offs I am happy to make.

Because the truth about sober parenting is that it actually is easier. Now that I have taken responsibility for my own emotions, now that I have learned how to calm down without external substances, now that I have enhanced my life with new hobbies and new friends, everything is better.

I have more energy, more happiness, better health, more interests, and a much better ability to be available and present for my child. And that is worth more than any drunken night out or calming nightcap in the evening. Being sober has made me a better parent and a better person, and that’s the truth.

Flow is an Author and Memoir Writing Coach for Womxn. Feeling the call to write your true life story into a book that inspires? Sign up to join a Free Memoir Writing Breakthrough Workshop through her website, and get the clarity and momentum you need to make it happen.

Forget YouTube. For kids who need all the answers (and need them now), try a podcast! Whatever piques their curiosity, you’ll be able to find a program that will not only educate but will also entertain your precocious humans. From NPR’s popular podcast to story-telling programs, here are our top picks for podcasts that are perfect for curious kids.

Wow in the World

Wow in the World is a popular podcast for kids

NPR’s popular show, hosted by Mindy Thomas and Guy Raz, will have you following along on adventures throughout the world and tackling topics like animals, science and technology. Throw in hilarious voices and silly humor, and you’ll be begging for the next episode as much as your littles. 

Ages 5+ 

Cost: Free

Get more info here and listen on multiple streaming platforms, including Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

But Why: A Podcast for Curious Kids

But Why, A Podcast for Curious Kids

It might just be the most dreaded question a kid can ask a parent, and this bi-weekly show could be your saving grace. The hosts take questions that have complex answers (think “Why is the sky blue?”) and break them down in a kid-friendly way. There are also kid-submitted questions, and experts explain with interesting, uncomplicated answers. 

Ages: All ages

Cost: Free

Get more info here and listen on multiple streaming platforms, including Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Brains On

Brains On is a good podcast for kids who are curious.

This is a similar show to But Why, but this one tends to skew a bit older and has a different kid co-host every week. The experts still answer the kid-submitted science questions, but there’s a nice combo of silliness and insight, too.

Ages: 8 & up.

Cost: Free

Get more info here and listen on multiple streaming platforms, including Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Greeking Out

Greeking Out is a podcast for kids

Is your kiddo interesting in Greek mythology? National Geographic's podcast for kids "Greeking Out" tells some of the greatest tales of heroes, Gods, and humans in this engaging series of stories adapted for little ears. Think Prometheus, Heracles, the Muses, and many more. 

Ages: 6 & up

Cost: Free

Find out more here, and subscribe here

Newsy Pooloozi

Newsy Paloozi is a fun podcast for kids

This podcast covers everything from tech and culture to arts, current events and science. And the correspondents are kids from all over the world, so listeners get information that's created just for them, presented by kids just like them. 

Ages: 7 & up

Cost: Free 

Learn more here and subscribe on your favorite platform including Apple, Spotify, Pandora and more. 

The Past & the Curious

It’ll remind you of Drunk History (minus the alcohol), as this podcast tells little-known stories from history with an emphasis on fun and humor. We love the fact that there’s also a quiz, so your curious kids will learn something new, too. 

Ages: 7 & up

Cost: Free

Get more info here and listen on multiple streaming platforms, including Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Purple Rocket Audio Adventures

This show tells a new story every episode, and there are nuggets of knowledge sprinkled throughout each one. Discover exactly how tricky it is to hatch a dinosaur egg, find out how far you can get into the universe on a Space Train and what happens when your grandpa's magic globe can transport you to other countries all over the world.

Ages: 5 & up

Cost: Free

Find out more here and subscribe via Apple Podcasts.

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Before I quit drinking alcohol back in 2010, a typical date night for my husband and I meant dinner (plus drinks) and drinks. Oh, and then drinks after dinner. Then, if we still had anything left in us after the date, more drinks at home after the kids were in bed.

Especially after we had our first baby, when we got a rare date night, we didn’t want to waste our time doing anything but drinking our new-parent frustrations away and trying to find the “old” us that was hidden under layer upon layer of sleep deprivation and Elmo-induced brain atrophy. In fact, back in those days, a date night activity that didn’t involve alcohol felt like punishment. Why even bother?

Then, I quit drinking, and I remember feeling very lost when we got our first, long-overdue date night. What on earth were we supposed to do on a date night now if I couldn’t drink? I’d be lying if I said that I remember what we did on those first few sober date nights, but now that I’ve been doing sober date nights for a while, I feel like I have a better-stocked arsenal of date night ideas that don’t involve drinking.

So, in case you’re a teetotaler (like me), maybe you’re pregnant and miss being able to drink on date night or maybe you’re just looking for ways to have fun without the hooch every now and then, here are 8 date night ideas that don’t completely revolve around alcohol.

1: Go to the movies: Of course, there’s a new wave of movie theater “experience” that incorporates drinking into enjoying a movie. We have Alamo Drafthouse where we live and fancier versions in the larger cities nearby, but I enjoy a good movie on a date night. I think it’s a real treat to go and watch a movie that I choose, that doesn’t involve a Pixar character, nor an animated version of Justin Timberlake singing top-40 hits. Plus, I’m all about getting candy or another sweet treat that I don’t have to share.

2: Play mini-golf: Going to play mini-golf WITHOUT your kids might seem cruel, but nobody said that you have to tell your kids where you went on date night, right? I think that mini-golf is all kinds of fun. Do you want to know what makes it even more fun? When you can get fiercely competitive with your partner and play your heart out without having to give up a shot for your kid or wait as your 1st grader takes 52 shots on a par 4.

3: Costco run: Lame, right? But, imagine this: Costco After Dark. Way less crowded than your usual Saturday, at 11 am Costco run. Plus, you and your partner can carefully critique the differences between the latest and greatest televisions that Costco has to offer. You can wander around, gathering samples without having to bite your Kirkland-brand peanut butter cup into four equal portions so that your toddler and 4-year-old don’t lose their minds in the middle of the store. Better yet? Pick up the toilet paper and kitty litter that you’ve been putting off purchasing and have your spouse load it in the back of your minivan for you. Now, that’s what I call foreplay. Meeeeow!

4: Go to the museum: Many museums offer an after-hours happy hour every month or so. Yes, booze is usually the primary focus of these events but you can take the opportunity to see the museum without the large crowds who are typically there during normal business hours. A museum membership is sometimes required to attend these events, but museum memberships are awesome for families to take advantage of anyway. They always pay for themselves in just a couple of visits and they afford you the luxury of going to the museum on a rainy day to see the one thing that your kid cares about seeing and then leaving directly after. No need to try and get your money’s worth out of a single-day ticket.

5: Linger at a coffee shop: Since I quit drinking, coffee shops have become a favorite place of mine. I never cared to have coffee after the hours of about 10 am before, but now, an after-dinner coffee is a special treat (and sometimes necessary to stay awake past 9 pm). Coffee shops are also good places to go and have a nice, uninterrupted conversation with your spouse. I love to people watch there also. All good things.

6: Take in some community theater: Most communities—no matter how small or large—have community theater. Some of the productions are really, really good and some of them…aren’t. But, on date night, it doesn’t matter. You’re out of the house, sans kids. There’s often beer and wine available in the lobby of these productions, but it’s not pushed on you like it is in, say, comedy clubs. Go check out a production and remark on how talented (or not!) your neighbors are.

7: Church activities: Most churches have opportunities to be social with other couples every now and then (if not more often). I’ve heard great things about “small groups,” that give you the opportunity to meet other people from the church outside of services. Our church has classes and seminars as well that would be good to do on a date night.

8: Shopping: There’s something rather appealing about going shopping with your spouse without the kids in tow. To leisurely browse on your own time and look at what YOU want to look at, without having to divide your time with your spouse, watching the kids play in the indoor mall playscape while the other runs quickly into Sears to grab a refrigerator filter and a new shirt. Use date night shopping as an opportunity to pick out new dress clothes or new granny panties—whatever makes you feel good. Or, shop at a furniture store for your (perhaps fictitious) dream house. No purchase necessary.

I used to see date night as more of a “treat yo self” night—a night that I could escape my day job and drink to alleviate the stress of parenthood. Every time though, I’d end up feeling like a worse parent—especially when I was hungover the next morning and unable to properly perform even the simplest of parenting duties for my kids. Now that I’m sober, date night is truly a recharging night for me. I get to enjoy my husband’s company and then wake up refreshed the next morning, ready to do this crazy job called “parenting” to the best of my abilities.

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I'm Jenny, a married mother to two kids and a whole gaggle of pets. I quit drinking in 2010 when I realized that alcohol was calling too many of the shots in my life and turning me into a person that I wasn't proud of. I haven't looked back. 

Have you forgiven yourself? Yes, you read that correctly. Have you forgiven yourself? We are human beings, and we make mistakes. Somehow or another, parent status is synonymous with perfection. We expect it from others, especially now in the digital age, and we expect it from ourselves. We portray images online and cry in private. I am just 13 days away from entering my 30th year of parenting and I can tell you that perfect is not how I would describe those years. They were perfectly broken. They were perfectly difficult. They were perfectly dysfunctional. I think you are starting to understand.

My oldest daughter, who will be 29 in a couple of weeks, has chosen to not talk to me or her sisters for a year and a half now. Mental health issues have been a steady theme in our lives. By the time I found out that I was pregnant with her, I had thought about suicide more times than I care to count, had taken drugs, had drank until I puked, had stayed out all night, had slept with too many guys, flunked out of my freshman year of college, and the list of poor choices goes on. I was looking for validation. I needed someone to make me feel like I was okay. I needed to feel like my presence mattered. I thought having my daughter would change things. I thought that she would give me everything I was looking for. I was scared as hell, but in my young mind I couldn’t come to any other decision but to continue with the pregnancy. 

They say that hindsight is 20/20 but even now I don’t think I know what the right choice was. Perhaps keeping her helped me stay away from some damaging behaviors but not all of them. I continued to use alcohol for many years. I went out at nights trying to find fun and excitement. I had men in and out of my life. I failed at getting my college degree. I quit jobs when things got hard or I didn’t know how to resolve issues. I have thought about the alternatives. But there is not another person that could love her more than I did and do. However, I was broken. Right now, I am, at best, refurbished.

I think about those years more than you could even imagine that I do. I could never find peace and admonished myself many nights in the dark when I was trying to sleep. Once my daughter became an adult, she seemed to get more adjusted as time went on. She was finding her stride and told me thank you many times. I mentioned several times that I was happy that she still loved me. I would tell her this because it was truly how I felt, and I knew that if she could still love me after everything I put her through that maybe I could find a way to forgive myself. In the last few years, I started to allow myself to heal and forgive myself for everything: the poor choices, the yelling, the lack of guidance, the physical punishments, etc. Everything changed this year when you spoke about your recent diagnoses. That telephone conversation brought everything back and the doubt and self-punishment crept back in. This was closely followed by another conversation where you asked me questions that I knew would come someday. Questions that could have been asked a dozen times over the last ten years. 

It is impossible for us to do better until we know better. It really wasn’t until a few years ago that my mind started to get better. I took control of my depression and anxiety. I started walking every day and allowing myself to get in my thoughts and resolve how I felt about my life. I started to lose weight and gain a smile. I started to get more active in my community. I joined the booster club associated with my daughter’s basketball team, made friends, and eventually started to feel like a good person. This was a stark difference to all the parenting years beforehand. I was never involved. I didn’t go to school events and, most of the time, would try to talk my kids out of taking part in things that would require me doing so. My oldest daughter had ADHD and that, combined with my own mental health issues, just made it nearly impossible for me to be an active parent. I was always exhausted, sad, and angry.

And part of the process of knowing better and moving forward is the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process and is never over. We will, most likely, need to continue forgiving ourselves for years to come. I know that I am. Allow yourself to go down the road of forgiveness and you will find yourself in the glorious world of the chaotic perfection that is parenting. I ask you again, have you forgiven yourself? 

I am a single mom of three beautiful daughters ages 29, 20, and 15.  At 50, I am recently divorced and making a career change.  I'm trying to put my BA and my MA to use finally!  My life hasn't always been easy but I feel good about the future!

Stains: they are the hallmark of true parenting (and a sure result of a girls-night-in). While you might be able to let a few slide, some of them just could cost you the deposit on your apartment or incite a desire to replace your shag with something more, well, wipeable. We polled our editorial staff—who know a thing or two about stain removal—and got together their best tips. Scroll down for 18 simple ways to keep it clean.

security via Pixabay

1. Use boiling water for red wine: You might have heard the tried and true soda water/cold water rinse for red wine, but here’s a method our editors swear by—pour boiling water over the red wine stain and blot it up with a cloth (Note: do not blot it before without water).

2. Use lemon for sweat rings: Use lemon juice and water on sweat stains. Make a little potion and soak the area. Baking soda and water paste can help remove underarm stains on white clothing.

3. Use salt for red wine and grease stain: Pour salt on the stain to soak up any extra wine, then soak in cold water for 30 min. For blood, one hour in cold saltwater. Salt also helps absorb grease stains!

4. Use Shock It Clean. No, we don’t mean singing perfectly on-pitch to "Side to Side" and shocking the crowd. One of our editors turned us on to this product, and we are telling you that it removes every carpet stain ever. Including that weird pee stain you only just now noticed and can’t tell if it’s human or pet.  

5. Use white wine on red wine: Yes, you have to waste a little white wine, but that’s nothing compared to wasting a good Sangiovese (Yes, we realize this is the third wine stain hack. What?).

Tyler Nix via Unsplash

6. Use white vinegar to get out coffee stains: Try white vinegar on coffee stains (on clothing). Soak for at least 8 hrs.

7. Chalk works on oil: Liquid dish soap is the most effective treatment for oil stains, but a stick of chalk can help absorb it quickly. Use a paper towel to blot up as much oil as possible, then rub the chalk stick on it. Wash as soon as possible. 

8. One word: Oxiclean (That's one word, right?). Grass stains have met their match.

9. Use nail polish remover on paint: If you’ve got paint on the jeans you just couldn’t bring yourself to take off before touching up the walls, try shaving it off with a razor. Super stubborn paint stains from the people who painted before you can be combatted with nail polish remover and elbow grease.

10. Aluminum foil works wonder on rust: You can remove rust by lightly scrubbing with aluminum foil. Add a little white vinegar to really scrape off stubborn stuff.

Callum Hill via Unsplash

11. Lemons make your sink shine: Clean up the gunk and shine up the chrome of your faucets using lemons. You can use a half-lemon or a wedge to squeeze into narrow spots and it works great to get your stainless steel sink to gleam too.

12. Toothpaste will make your diamonds sparkle: Use toothpaste to polish your silver rings and get rid of those tarnished stains.

13. Take care with rubbing alcohol to get nail polish out of the carpet: If you spill nail polish on the carpet or floor, use a microfiber cloth to absorb as much as you can, then continue blotting with rubbing alcohol and microfiber cloth (Nail polish remover can damage hardwoods and other flooring surfaces, but you can try soaking the microfiber cloth in a bit of remover before washing).

14. Baking soda and white vinegar works on pet messes: To clean up poop, dog or otherwise, from the carpet you'll need white vinegar and baking soda. And a lot of paper towels. And probably gloves. Just let the paste fizz and blot, fizz and blot. It's like a mini-volcano of gross.

lightstargod via Pixabay

15. Cornstarch on a decorated dog: Kids got markers and/or paints and painted your dog? (No, oh, just wait...) If your pooch is light-colored, cornstarch can help lighten the fur back up.

16. Shout also works on pet messes: You can try your average carpet cleaner or "pet stain remover" but we found nothing takes care of the remains of the day like a laundry stain remover, i.e. extra-strength Shout.

17. Soda on garage grease stains. Pour a can of Coke on a greasy stain in your garage. (Diet Coke won't cut it, but you can always try.)

18. If all else fails: Give up (wear dark colors, or beige if you’re preventing spit-up stains; make sure your carpets are artfully swirly; put smocks on your kids every day).

 

—Edit Team

 

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There was a glittery purple tricycle at the preschool I attended. High in demand, each day at recess time a gaggle of girls—myself included—would rush to grab it first.

Interestingly, it was a disappointing experience once the battle of the tricycle was over. Once the rider mounted it and began pedaling, the bumpy, jerky motion revealed an unfortunate reality: the tricycle frame was bent, resulting in a wobbly, lackluster ride. The back left wheel was about two inches higher than the other wheels. Even back then it was evident that each wheel relied on each other to make the experience successful, and the frame must be a strong support for the wheels.

I rode on through my childhood and grew into a larger, two wheeled road boke with a banana seat. In high school, I begrudgingly rode my 10-speed Schwinn bike to school until I could drive.

In college, occasionally (and by “occasionally” I mean, like twice) I rode a mountain bike on some local LA trails with friends.

Marriage and then early motherhood brought that concept of balance to a standstill—once a high school English teacher, I was now staying at home with little ones. I discovered alcohol was the answer to quiet my stress and insecurities.

Eventually I discovered I was back on that purple glittery tricycle, if only figuratively. It looked exciting and seductive at first glance, but it revealed its’ failures once I started riding it. Jolting along, I became tipsy and I began to see and feel everything from a shaky, unstable perspective. An off-kilter experience revealed that same sense of disappointing imbalance.

Summer days as young mom were spent outside in the cul-de-sac, watching my own kids whirling around on tricycles, on scooters and big wheels. I remember how awful I felt inside, suffering from a self-induced case of persistent guilt and shame, fueled by alcohol. I had lost balance physically, mentally and emotionally. I was rotting from the inside out. I knew my kids could feel the ripple effect of my constant inability to find and maintain a steady sense of self.

Each morning I’d wake up stunned and demoralized, my shaky hands attempted to finish my eyeliner. My goal was to achieve a decent look instead of what had become my usual jagged makeup job: A makeup job one might wear if they were on their way to see the group “Kiss” in concert. The day dragged on until the arrival of a respectable drinking hour. Then vodka in my coffee cup would surely at least temporarily mute the deafening screams of reality, which reminded me every day my kids were growing up in front of my glazed-over eyes.

Finally, I reached a fork in the road. A turning point. This was my night in jail, after being arrested for a DUI. Ironically, the roadside sobriety test administered is partially about balance. I didn’t have the ability to walk on the line without leaning and falling over. It was the soul annihilating moment when I had to face the fact that I was utterly addicted to alcohol, and I might lose my family.

That night in jail, I stood at the proverbial end of the road. I could choose to turn one way and keep drinking, or I could choose the other way and try to quit. Two seemingly terrifying options. I knew if I wanted to try to keep my family life together, I was going to have to turn in the direction requiring me to give up booze. It seemed like the harder option, but lowly, one painful hour at a time became one day at a time. One day at a time became one month at a time. Once month at a time became one year at a time. All because of the decision to try. That’s the key to sobriety….The willingness to “tri.”

What I discovered by making that fateful turn a decade ago was beyond what I could have imagined. Today, I don’t lead a perfect life, but I do lead a steady, predictable life. I don’t ever wake up hungover anymore. I don’t ever have to wonder if I’ll be too obliterated to attend a parent teacher conference. I don’t have to look up liquor laws for the state I’m traveling to. I don’t fear that my kids will pick up my cup and unsuspectingly take a swig of soda spiked with vodka.

You know what that steady, predictable ride feels like? Freedom. Balance. If I hadn’t tried to ride other tricycles on the playground, I never would have realized how unfulfilling that purple glittery tricycle actually was. Today, that feeling of freedom and balance brings limitless expansion. An ability to blaze new trails. The possibility of discovering new journeys. The hope of fresh chapters revealing what’s around the next corner. As it turns out, that freedom and sense of balance is the proverbial glitter I was looking for all along.

Amy Liz Harrison is one of recovery’s newest voices and author of Eternally Expecting: A Mom of Eight Gets Sober and Gives Birth to a New Life…Her Own.

Amy Liz Harrison is one of recoveries newest voices and author of Eternally Expecting: A Mom of Eight Gets Sober and Gives Birth to a New Life...Her Own.

Editor’s note: Any medical advice presented here is expressly the views of the writer and Red Tricycle cannot verify any claims made. Please consult with your healthcare provider about what works best for you.

 

I don’t know about you, but when I first became a mom, wine became my first line of defense. When my kid went to sleep, I poured a glass and used it to finally relax after a long day. After awhile though, this led to some serious problems. I developed a dependency on alcohol to relax. I forgot how to do it on my own, naturally. A few months later, it led to pretty serious alcoholism and I had to get sober and get in recovery. 

Not everyone has such an extreme story, but I do know that a lot of moms (and parents) have trouble staying relaxed in a natural and sustainable way.

Being a parent is naturally stressful and anxiety producing. There is so much responsibility and seemingly not enough time to really take care of ourselves. Using alcohol, anxiety meds, marijuana and other substances might seem like a good idea to take the edge off and help you balance everything, but ultimately these things just suppress the problem and it leads to even more issues down the road.

So, in my journey of sober parenting, I have had to learn how to actually deal with Mom Stress for reals, in healthy and sustainable ways. Here are some of the tools that have helped me. Whether you decide to parent sober or you love your wine and feel like it’s not a problem for you, having natural ways to deal with your stress and anxiety is still important and makes the whole parenting gig much easier and more do-able.

1. Try natural supplements. 

There are a bunch of helpful natural supplements to calm the nervous system that actually work really well. They don’t alter your perception, but they do help your body, mind and energy relax. I have many on hand, some for day, some for night, some for sleep. They can be surprisingly strong and effective. One of my favorites is good ol’ chamomile, which can be taken anytime, day or night. Another go-to herb for me is valerian, which helps a lot with anxiety and really helps me sleep. There are many others out there. 

Go to your local health-food store and ask the supplement department! If you have special conditions or are on medication consult your doctor first. But, from my experience, nature has some amazing medicine that can help us stay calm, balanced and relaxed, even when life is crazy stressful.

2. Feel your feelings.

One huge part of dealing with stress naturally is learning how to feel and process emotions. A lot of the stress and anxiety in life and in parenting comes from suppressed or ignored emotions. It is so hard to factor in time to care for yourself sometimes as a mom. Often our own feelings and emotions get pushed to the back burner so we can keep taking care of everyone else. However, when this happens, it can create a backlog of emotions and feelings that can build up and turn into serious anxiety and stress. 

One way to prevent this is to learn and use emotional processing tools and practices in your daily life. Journaling, movement or somatic processes, even talking with a friend or trusted confidant can really help. When you get in the practice of consistently feeling and releasing the emotions that arise in daily life, stress and anxiety naturally stay lower.

3. Schedule in self-care—and drop the guilt about it! 

I’m talking about self-care that goes way beyond manicures, ladies. This means deep, nourishing experiences with yourself or a supportive community. Think nature hikes, meditation, yin yoga, energy healing sessions, reading a book by the beach, etc. It’s also helpful to schedule in full days or even nights away sometimes, so you can fully unwind without interruption or obligations. 

And, learning to let go of the guilt around this is one of the most important parts. Feeling guilty while you are taking care of yourself is actually pretty counter productive. You deserve time to yourself. You deserve rest and relaxation. You deserve time to truly restore yourself and your nervous system, so you can come back to your family filled up and ready to resume your duties. 

Don’t wait until you are about to explode to take some time for you. Scheduling in regular alone time or self-care time is a practical and important way to manage your stress and anxiety as a mom and make your care-giving lifest‌yle more sustainable. 

4. Have a creative outlet and schedule time for it. 

Express yourself, mama! Let your creative energy flow freely beyond your role as caregiver and child-creator. You have a passionate life-force within you. When you allow it, nurture it and cultivate your creative self-expression, you will feel more vibrant, alive, relaxed and whole. Painting, drawing, dancing, singing, pottery, writing… whatever it is for you, let yourself have it. 

And, you know how busy your life is as a mom, so make sure you schedule in regular time for you to express yourself creatively. It might be awkward at first if you haven’t done it for awhile, but creative self-expression is one of the most powerful stress and anxiety reducing activities you can do. It will help you feel more vibrant, alive, connected to yourself and relaxed. 

So, what can you commit to on this list? Can you give yourself the time and space to feel your feelings, take time off and create a routine of expressing yourself? If you do, you will experience a life with naturally less stress and anxiety and less need to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs or other substances to relax. And, when you do need a little outside help, remember there are so many natural herbs and supplements that can help manage and reduce stress and anxiety. 

You got this, mama!

Flow is an Author and Memoir Writing Coach for Womxn. Feeling the call to write your true life story into a book that inspires? Sign up to join a Free Memoir Writing Breakthrough Workshop through her website, and get the clarity and momentum you need to make it happen.

Photo: Jennifer Storm

When I was 12 years old, I was assaulted—and I had no idea how to deal with the storm of emotions brewing inside of me.

No one in my family knew how to help or respond. They stayed quiet while I suffered in silence. My parents, both of whom had been abused as children, were never given any tools to help them heal.

With a family history of addiction, it was no surprise that I turned to drugs and alcohol to quell my pain. When children are traumatized and hurting, they tend to act out. They often lack the verbiage to explain what is happening inside. Drugs helped me numb out and forget the pain. But in reality, all they did was prolong the pain—and add to it.

I am often asked and wonder, would it have been different for me if a trauma-informed person had been in my life at that time? Could they have kept me from the 10 years of horror I experienced? I think so. Had someone spoke to me in a way that eliminated shame and did not make me feel guilty and scared, I may have sought help sooner.

A “trauma-informed” approach is one that aims to understand behavior—not label it, blame someone, or accidentally shame them. Telling people that it’s OK to not feel OK, sharing with them that they are not alone, and telling them that you believe them are all powerful ways to offer a young person a safe space to navigate confusion around trauma.

Thankfully, today, we live in a society that has cracked open important conversations around abuse and assault. Victims of sexual violence need not suffer in silence as I once did. That doesn’t mean that conversations about these topics are easy. They are hard—especially when you become a parent, but I’ve already started these discussions with my 5-year-old son.

Our children cannot do better until they are taught better—and neither can we as parents.

Here are tips to have age-appropriate conversations with children about their bodies, consent, emotional regulation, and coping.

Engage at the Right Times

After being raped, I remember it felt like my brain was able to lock those memories away. They only came out in fits and spurs, in flashbacks and nightmares. I could not access feelings and place them next to the events that happened to me. Children are resilient and their brains have an incredible way of protecting them, this can make intervention a challenge.

When asking more probative questions, engage children when they’re playing or during physical activity. A child’s brain development is different and direct questioning does not always work, especially if you’re trying to get them to open up about something fear-inducing or traumatizing.

If a child’s brain is already engaged with coloring or shooting hoops, it can be easier for them to talk about topics that are emotionally overwhelming. Ask questions, let them know you love them, that you are willing to listen, and will never judge or shame them for anything they share.

Normalize Talking about Hard Things

Pepper in prevention education throughout your conversations so your child knows the right terminology for their body, and they understand who is allowed to touch them and who is not. Do this while changing diapers, during potty training, and at the doctor’s office as they grow up. Just make quick, matter-of-fact statements since they might not tolerate or entertain a long conversation.

In our home, we teach our son a song and dance where we sign, “stop” and say, “Don’t touch me there.” We put a handout in a stop sign. “This is my no-no square,” we say, and “draw” a square around their lower body. Then we discuss how his body is his and no one is allowed to touch him without his permission. We tell him that only a doctor or parent should touch his genitals and even then, that is only for a quick cleaning or examination and there should always be another trusting adult in the room.

Provide Resources

One of the hardest jobs as a parent is knowing that often, we are not the ones our children will turn to when they need to talk or want to ask questions. In normalizing the conversations around engaging tough topics be sure to give them plenty of resources and acknowledge that you know it may feel odd for them to speak to you about whatever they need help with. Tell them that this is OK and give them some alternate names, places, and entities who they can speak to, including trusted friends, family, or hotlines.

Teach Healthy Coping Strategies

If we can build resiliency in our children and teach them to feel feelings while normalizing trauma in a way that gives them space to talk, feel, heal, and deal, they are less likely to reach for negative coping mechanisms. Negative coping comes from a lack of effective coping strategies.

We encourage our son to use his words and give him permission to be mad or sad by being there for him when he cries. We also teach him to use tools such as mediation, deep breathing, and walking away when he is overwhelmed. We normalize common emotions by making him feel supported instead of isolated and we teach him how to process emotions in a way that makes him feel better.

By giving children healthy coping tools, you are building a foundation for them when they have hard feelings. You are giving them ways to process emotions without them wanting to escape.

Offer Support through the Ups and Downs

These strategies, while well-intended, may not always work. Children and young people may still turn to drugs, alcohol, or other negative coping mechanisms. If they do, let them know that you are there for them, that you support them, and stress the resources that are available to them.

This way, your child will grow up with options—and options are huge when dealing with trauma and addiction.

 

 

This post originally appeared on Parents Magazine. Jennifer’s book, “Blackout Girl: Tracing My Scars from Addiction and Sexual Assault; With New and Updated Content for the #MeToo Era‘ can be found on Amazon and at your local bookstore.

Survivor. Author. Advocate. Victim’s Rights Expert. After a childhood rape turned her life upside down, Storm turned to drug and alcohol to cope with the trauma. This ten-year battle with addiction culminated in a brutal suicide attempt which she survived.  She has over 20 years experience in victim’s rights.