ML Interest Tag: anger

10 Times Your Daughter Shouldn’t Say Sorry

By Raising Awesome Girls Powered By Girl Scouts

You’re raising your girl to be responsible for what she says and does and to know when and how to give a sincere apology when she messes up. But is she apologizing more than she needs to?

Studies show women are more likely than men to presume they were in the wrong or think their own actions might have upset someone, and those patterns start early. There could be many reasons for this, but some think girls and women are quick to apologize because they’re taught to “keep the peace” and be nurturers who put the emotional wellbeing and happiness of others first.

So often, girls and women start talking by saying, “I’m sorry, but I feel like [fill in the blank]”—and that sentence structure can literally become a habit. The problem? When your girl apologizes for something that wasn’t her fault, others might start to see her as someone who is at fault. Someone whose shortcomings inconvenience others, even if that’s far from the case.

Read this list from Girl Scouts with your girl, and remind her that although it’s important to make amends when she’s truly done something wrong, apologizing when she hasn’t can undermine how others see her and damage her self-worth.

There’s No Need to Say “Sorry”…

1. When someone bumps into her. She has just as much of a right to take up space in this world as anyone else.

2. When she tried her best. Maybe she didn’t win the science fair or make the basketball team, and that’s OK. Nobody’s perfect.

3. When she’s not feeling well, even if it messes up plans for others. It’s not like she went around looking for germs. Help her focus on getting better instead of apologizing.

4. For leaving when someone makes her feel uncomfortable or unsafe. One of the most important things to explain to your girl is that she doesn’t need to “be polite” or stay in the same vicinity as someone who makes her feel uncomfortable or unsafe. She just needs to get out of there and tell a caring adult as fast as possible.

5. For her feelings. Some might be uncomfortable with your girl’s anger, sadness, or disappointment, but that doesn’t mean those feelings are bad or wrong.

6. For sticking up for herself. It takes guts to take a stand and defend yourself or others against bullies. Doing the right thing is never something to apologize for.

7. For having high expectations. Expecting the people in her life to follow through and keep their word isn’t a crime.

8. For setting boundaries. Whether a friend wants to cheat off her homework or someone is invading her personal space, she has every right to say no.

9. For sharing knowledge. Knowing her stuff and using the information to help others is awesome. Someone else’s insecurity is not your girl’s problem.

10. For her appearance. Who does she get dressed for in the morning? Herself. If others don’t like it, that’s fine.

So what can she say instead of sorry? Tell your girl to start by saying how she’s feeling in short, declarative sentences. So instead of “I’m sorry, I have a question,” she could say, “I have a question.” Skipping the apology doesn’t make her rude—in fact, it puts apologies back in their rightful role as a way to make amends when she’s actually done something hurtful or wrong.

Stress to your girl the importance of speaking with intention. Apologizing for no reason or when she’s not at fault dilutes the sentiment. Have her save it for when it counts. When it’s heartfelt and for the right reasons, the power of “sorry” will be more meaningful both to her and to the person on the receiving end!

Want more tips on Raising Awesome Girls? We’ve got you covered.

Originally published December 2019. This post originally appeared on Raising Awesome Girls, powered by Girl Scouts.

RELATED LINKS
Daughters (Who’ll Conquer the World) Need to Hear These 8 Things
7 Powerful Things My Daughter Needs to Know Before Middle School
The Only 2 Things to Say to Your Kid After a Game

Raising Awesome Girls Powered By Girl Scouts
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Raising girls to be happy, healthy, and successful is simpler than ever with help from Girl Scouts. From knowing how much to help with her homework to navigating sensitive issues in the news with your family, we've got everything you need to raise girls with confidence. 

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Why I Stopped Overcompensating for My Kids’ Absent Dad

By Sarah Fumero

You might call it the “D” word—divorce. Many children are blessed to be overwhelmingly loved by two caring adults who are able to cohesively co-parent. Then there are some children, like my own, who are not only left in turmoil but are also left with an absentee parent.

The father of my first two children could be summed up as a slow-motion train wreck. There is too much to go into great detail about, but his biggest flaw is choosing to be the equivalent of a distant cousin as opposed to a father: going weeks and even months without contact, missing birthday phone calls and falling about two years behind on child support payments.

Seeing the heartache on my children’s faces prompted me to become the Queen Mother of Overcompensation. I now had to step into their father’s shoes. I had to make up for all that he was screwing up.

At first, it was harmless: trying to make sure I fulfilled every wish on the birthday and Christmas list. I mean, how couldn’t I? How could I make his lack of financial or emotional help be the fault of a child?

Next came the emotional compensation, choosing to ignore problematic behaviors simply because of the pain the kids were feeling due to the loss of a family unit. I can remember the day my then-third grader leveled a classroom following an angry encounter with his teacher. I remember being terribly embarrassed and expressing that to every faculty member in view, but moments later, taking him for ice cream to talk it out.

I was afraid of being the “bad parent.” That if my children saw me put my foot down, they would hate me. I feared they would want and long for the one who wouldn’t even take the time to pick up the phone to return a call. I had to be all they needed wrapped in one. Believe it or not, I needed their love during this difficult time as much as they needed mine. I was afraid to parent my own children.

As I continued this path of destruction, I slowly began to realize that my pattern of enabling them was like putting scotch tape on a leaky pipe; sooner or later, that tape slides off, and the real problem bursts through. The gifts and the ice cream didn’t stop the anger and only calmed the raging storms. The phone calls from school didn’t stop. The ADD/ADHD diagnosis came next, which led to bigger, more underlying issues being discovered. My children were in pain, and no toy could fix that. More needed to be done!

I had to recognize my own toxic behavior in being my children’s enabler. The naysayers were right—they needed love, yes—but they also need guidance and a strong mother who stood firm in her decisions and who wouldn’t waffle at their whimpering. They needed a mother who was confident enough to know that she could never fully fill the void of their absent father.

I also had to acknowledge that I, too, was in pain. Divorce is never easy for children, but for the parties who vowed to spend the rest of their lives together, it was devastating. I cried myself to sleep some nights, afraid to face the world as something I never wanted to be. I was now a single mother and, most of all, alone. Loneliness eats away at you, and I longed to fill the void.

As these thoughts came rushing over me, I realized what I was doing to myself. Trying to overcompensate for someone who couldn’t care less was like ordering a Big Mac with a Diet Coke—it made no sense. I was an emotional wreck and I was passing that disease to my own children. I had to make a choice. I had to decide if I wanted to continue to fill the emotional loss with worthless items or if I wanted to help my children heal.

I wanted them to heal, so I had to hold myself and them accountable for our poor choices.

Part of that process meant allowing my children to talk it out with someone other than myself. The school counselors were amazing in this transition; my boys opened up and let them into their safe zone. They were given strategies to deal with anger and to calm themselves. They began talking more about missing their father and how it made them feel that he rarely fulfilled his role. While these were steps in the right direction, the healing process takes time. We continue to take it step by step and remember that we are in it together.

I know that we are not all lucky enough to have the perfect co-parenting scenario, though that’s what we all want for our children. In the event that we don’t get that happy ending, understanding that we are in charge of guarding our children’s emotional healing—and proceeding carefully and responsibly—is key.

Originally published January 2019.

RELATED LINKS
When Divorce Is the Only Answer
Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You
My Child with ADHD Needs Kinder—Not Tougher—Parenting

I am just regular mom of three wonderful boys and a married to the love of my life! I hope to reach people through writing and expressing my true experiences. My goal is to help a parent realize that no matter the struggle, they are not alone in the journey! 

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13 Fred Rogers Quotes about Kindness That We Need Now More Than Ever

by Kate Loweth

Some days we wish we could escape on a shiny red trolley to the Neighborhood of Make-believe, where a kind-hearted man in a zip-up sweater explains away all the scary things happening in the world. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood when you remember these important words of wisdom. Read on for some of our favorite Fred Rogers quotes about kindness, compassion and empathy.

1. Fred Rogers on Strength

mrrogersmovie via Instagram

"Most of us, I believe, admire strength. It's something we tend to respect in others, desire for ourselves, and wish for our children. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we confuse strength and other words--like aggression and even violence. Real strength is neither male nor female; but is, quite simply, one of the finest characteristics that any human being can possess."

2. Fred Rogers on Important Historical Events

Dr. François S. Clemmons via Wikimedia Commons

"A high school student wrote to ask, 'What was the greatest event in American history?' I can't say. However, I suspect that like so many 'great' events, it was something very simple and very quiet with little or no fanfare (such as someone forgiving someone else for a deep hurt that eventually changed the course of history). The really important 'great' things are never center stage of life's dramas; they're always 'in the wings.' That's why it's so essential for us to be mindful of the humble and the deep rather than the flashy and the superficial."

3. Fred Rogers on Humankind

"One of the greatest dignities of humankind is that each successive generation is invested in the welfare of each new generation."

4. Fred Rogers on Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. Like all of life's important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives."

5. Fred Rogers on Sharing Responsibility

"We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say, 'It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.' Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes."

6. Fred Rogers on Seeing Scary Things on the News

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother's words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers--so many caring people in this world."

7. Fred Rogers on Saying "Yes"

"I hope you're proud of yourself for the times you've said 'yes,' when all it meant was extra work for you and was seemingly helpful only to somebody else."

8. Fred Rogers on Embracing Our Feelings

"There's no 'should' or 'should not' when it comes to having feelings. They're part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings."

9. Fred Rogers on Facing Sadness & Anger

"Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it."

10. Fred Rogers on What Makes Us Special

"As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has—or ever will have—something inside that is unique to all time. It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression."

11. Fred Rogers on Love

"Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now."

12. Fred Rogers on Being True to Yourself

"One of the greatest gifts you can give anybody is the gift of your honest self. I also believe that kids can spot a phony a mile away."

13. Fred Rogers on What Matters Most

"What matters isn't how a person's inner life finally puts together the alphabet and numbers of his outer life. What really matters is whether he uses the alphabet for the declaration of a war or the description of a sunrise--his numbers for the final count at Buchenwald or the specifics of a brand-new bridge."

Now head out into the world and make a snappy new day for yourself.

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These 12 Books Will Help You Talk with Your Kids About Divorce

by Amber Guetebier

No matter how much you don’t want it to be, divorce is tough on kids. But having an open dialogue with children about the divorce process and how that can affect them helps to normalize their fears and frustrations. Whether it’s taking kids step-by-step through what happens or introducing characters that are relatable, these 12 books tackle divorce in ways that are compassionate and realistic.

If you buy something from the links in this article, we may earn affiliate commission or compensation.

 

What Happens When Parents Get Divorced?

$9.99 BUY NOW

Mom and author Sara Olsher wrote the book she wished she could have given her own daughter while they navigated her own divorce. Written with clear words and bright illustrations, this book shows kids that even though divorce is scary, it is something lots of families get through.

 

Weekends with Max and His Dad

$7 BUY NOW

It’s kinda weird for Max to go to an apartment where his dad now lives, and Max isn’t shy about letting his dad know. Told from the point of view of a kid whose parents have divorced, Max it’s an honest exploration of the emotions and challenges of day-to-day life after a divorce. Max makes some new friends and starts to think the apartment might not be so bad after all. Written by Linda Urban. Ages: 7-9

 

Roadtrip with Max and His Mom

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Max and his mom are about to go on a road trip, but Max isn’t excited for it like he usually is. Because usually, his dad comes too. This adventurous book, a follow-up to Linda Urban’s Weekends with Max and His Dad, tackles the emotions a kid can feel after a divorce—like how something like a family vacation can seem less than thrilling when you are missing someone. Ages: 7-9

A Kids Book About Divorce

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A Kids Book About series tackles tough topics and puts them into books designed to help normalize discussions around things like anxiety, depression, and divorce. Divorce is tough on the parents, yes, but it can be extra tricky to navigate with the kids. Written by a parent, Ashley Simpo, who has been there, this book is meant to spark an honest discussion about the topic. Ages 3 and up.

Fox: Family Change from Slumberkins

$45 BUY NOW

This plush animal and book set from Slumberkins is designed to support children through any kind of family change, divorce included. Help your littlest ones navigate big feelings as your family navigates change—Fox will help remind them it is not their fault, they are safe, loved, and their feelings are normal. Ages: 3-8

Dinosaurs Divorce

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First published over 25 years ago, this innovative book has helped generations of families learn to talk about and navigate divorce. It’s a comprehensive guide in a language parents and kids can both understand, and tackles topics like having two homes, living with one parent, holidays and special occasions, stepfamilies, and more. Ages: 4-7

Two Homes

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Claire Masurel’s little book is simple but incredibly impactful as it takes on a topic that can be very confusing to children during a divorce—living arrangements. The artwork by Kady McDonald Denton helps illustrate both the differences when Alex is at Mommy’s house and Daddy’s house, but also the similarities—in both homes Alex is loved and safe. Ages: 2-5

Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe's and Evan's Coping Guide for Kids

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Written by brother and sister Zoe and Evan Stern, with a little help from their mom, Evelyn Stern, this is a first-hand account and coping guide for kids, by kids. Zoe and Evan know just how it feels when parents divorce—theirs split up when they were 15 and 13. They’ve created a positive guide for kids to explore and acknowledge the feelings that come up: guilt, anger, fear, new rules in new homes, blended families, and more. Ages: 8-12

 

Bigger Than a Bread Box

$8 BUY NOW

Twelve-year-old Rebecca’s life has changed pretty quickly, almost overnight. Her parents have separated and they’ve moved suddenly to live in Atlanta with Rebecca’s grandma. In Gran’s attic, Rebecca discovers a magic bread box, and it seems to help...at first. Rebecca can get anything she wishes for, as long as it fits inside the box. But soon she discovers the consequences to her wishes, and they aren’t all good. An interesting way to view divorce and the feelings kids have along with it. Ages: 8-12

Big & Little Questions (According to Wren Jo Byrd)

$10 BUY NOW

Nine-year-old Wren Jo Byrd’s parents separated over the summer, and now she’s starting a new school year. Wren does not want anyone to know, not even her best friend, Amber. But as the year progresses and a new girl enters the scene who wants to be friends with Wren, Wren struggles to keep her secrets—her dad lives somewhere else now, and things are not the same at her home with her mom. It’s a book about divorce, yes, but also about friendship, and trusting others with things we think should be kept secret. Ages: 7-9

The First Rule of Punk

$8 BUY NOW

What’s the first rule of punk? Be yourself. On the first day of a new school, twelve-year-old Malú (María Luisa, if you want to annoy her) doesn’t exactly have a smooth day: she violates the school’s dress code with her punk rock look and upsets Posada Middle School’s queen bee. But her dad, who now lives far away because her parents have divorced, reminds her, things get better if she just remembers what being punk really is. This awesome book by Celia C. Perez gives kids encouragement to be themselves and be strong even when there are big changes at home. Ages: 10-12

The Divorce Express

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Many divorce books show kids living primarily with mom and spending time with dad on weekends, but that is not always the arrangement—and it’s not the arrangement in Paula Danziger’s book. Phoebe’s parents are divorced and now she’s living with her dad in the country, and taking the bus into the city on weekends to be with mom. Phoebe isn’t happy about it, but she’s getting used to it until her mom announces she’s getting remarried and everything changes again. Ages: 10 and up

—Amber Guetebier
Featured image courtesy of Slumberkins

RELATED STORIES

Making a New House Feel like Home after Divorce

5 Tips for Moms Dealing with Divorce

When Divorce Is the Only Answer

Holidays, Parenting & Divorce: 3 Must-Read Tips for Mom.

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Forging a New Path despite the Stereotypes

By Heather Merrick

In the US, the assumption from the day my child was born has felt like I’d either a) surrender years of costly education and hard work to her and my partner OR b) essentially pay a nanny to be a third parent so I can ignore our home life and burn myself out at work. Both are incredibly disempowering.

“But isn’t option A what you want, you Housewife?” No, because I’m not a Housewife.

“But isn’t option B what you want, you Career Woman?” No, because I’m not a Career Woman.

I’m a human being, with accomplishments, goals, dreams, and aspirations. I’m a child of a Head Start pre-K teacher. She and my father both worked hard to afford private elementary school, a choice they felt was best for me at the time. I got into Bard, Bennington, and most of the other fancy “alternative” colleges, but my family couldn’t afford to send me there. So instead I worked my butt off in high school to earn myself a full ride at a public liberal arts college in Florida. When I wanted to pursue grad school to learn more about technology and move out of Florida, I took out a massive student loan that crippled me financially for the next 12 years. I finally paid it off, partly by doubling my salary within five years through grit, determination, and a real need to get out of that hole on my own. (And by my own, it also included a heaping cup of white privilege and marrying a cis white male partner, which in so doing doubled my income yet again.) I do not want to throw all of that away. 

I also do not want to ignore my child in favor of a job at which I am ultimately disposable, like all other “at-will” employees in this country. It is hard to describe how deeply I longed to have a child and hold her in my arms for years and years. The reality of parenthood is much harsher than the rosy image I had of it, sure, but I still cherish every moment and love her to the moon and back. Parenthood is an opportunity to me, not a burden. I’m not outsourcing one of the most joyful aspects of my life that I have planned and yearned for.

“Geez, you sound angry.” Yes, I am angry, as I should be. (Female anger is not something to be feared, by the way. Anger is an emotion like all of the others, and one that all mothers in this country are currently very much entitled to feel.)

Yet again we are dealing with a complete failure of our government to provide even a modicum of financial and emotional support for women. The underlying message? “Your life is not worth more than your output.” As Jill Filipovic wrote about much better than I could, “Free Female Labor is The Plan.”

When I heard about the “glass ceiling” in my 20s, I always imagined it was something that I would slowly rise up to and softly bump into. That has not been my experience. Instead it’s a heavy glass pane that gets slammed into your head, knocking you out, dizzying you. It’s been three years since my daugther was born and I’m still looking around in a daze and unsure of what the hell happened.

So what am I doing about all of this? Well, I started a community called Seattle Parents Club. It’s a free, open, and supportive space for parents of all genders and families of all shapes to join together online and off. We now have more than 60 wonderful members, and I hope you will join us if you live in the Seattle area.

I’m also doing my best to not go for option A or option B, but rather forge my own path away from both, towards Other, Not Pictured Here, etc… I want my daughter to see that the format of her life is not a few decades of achievements and infinite opportunities followed by a sudden narrowing of her choices, none of which fit. That’s not what any child should see when they look at the roadmap ahead of them. Watch this space, I suppose, in terms of what that “Other” really looks like. Again, I’m only human. I’m just figuring it out.

By the way, if this post seems hurried, it’s because it is. I formulated most of this in my head while taking a shower, as my husband rushed out the door to drop off our daughter at daycare. I’m writing and publishing these words in the approximately 15 minutes of free time I have between getting ready and starting work. Is that the ideal way our family’s mornings would be? No, but like I said, I’m still forging the path.

—Heather Merrick

 

This post originally appeared on heathermerrick.com.

Heather Merrick lives in Seattle with her husband, daughter, and a tailless cat. She leads customer support teams for startups by day and manages the Seattle Parents Club by night (or, to be more accurate, very early in the mornings). She loves podcasts, gardening, photography, and toddler crafts.

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When Divorce Is the Only Answer

By Angela Rainbolt

My life hasn’t been perfect. My life has been messy, but after I met my husband, I thought I would finally find love, stability, support, etc. There is a reason why most people are cautiously quiet in the times leading up to and during a divorce. We fear being judged for leaving a union that we asked everyone to celebrate after saying vows that prompt us that NOTHING should separate us.

The decision to file for divorce saddened me. I had waited a long time for marriage, and, to me, it was forever. I had already weathered many, many storms and had come from a long line of successful and long-lasting marriages. “If they can do it, so can I!” I used to say.

But marriage is teamwork on every level. Imagine playing doubles tennis, and your partner puts down his racket, sits down, and ignores you. You keep prompting them to get up and they continue to ignore you. You might try to make it work for a while, but then the tired sets in, the anger sets in, and then the realization that you weren’t ever supposed to be in this alone. At the time of my decision, I was sad. I was disgusted. I was ashamed. I was overwhelmed. I was resolute. I was scared.

How does someone get to the point of deciding that divorce is the answer? I think the answer to that question is different for each person, however, there are stories that are similar. It’s been over a year since I made the choice, and I can be honest about everything now. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage. From the moment we met, up to about a month after we were married, he was wonderful to me. He never raised his voice. He never sounded angry with me. He was attentive. He made me feel loved, wanted, and important in his life.

After that month was over, we entered a cycle of arguing that never went away. There were never any calm or rational conversations. He would “jokingly” accuse me of cheating. He would say horrible things about my children behind closed doors. He refused to take part in any sort of financial responsibility. He would scream at me with the kind of hatred that should be reserved for a select few. He refused to be social. He refused to allow me to be social unless he felt as if there was nothing to fear. For instance, going to a bar with a girlfriend was off limits but going to a parent discussion group was fine. He withheld intimacy at certain points throughout our marriage. He kept secrets. He was attentive to what suited his mood.

I was both embarrassed and ashamed. I kept the gory details of our marriage to myself. I had a handful of friends that I spoke to about different aspects of my marriage, but I never fully let on to everything that was happening. I kept thinking that I could fix it. There were times when I thought that things would change, only to be disappointed yet again.

The decision to move forward with the divorce opened my eyes in ways that they had not been before. I was able to see my marriage for what it was.  There was no shine left at all. The lies that he told were all coming to light. The things he was saying to my family behind my back were coming to light.  The way he was alienating me from friends and family was coming to light. It’s hard to think about something being both overwhelming and a relief, but this time was just that.

Our divorce was final on August 6, 2020. He didn’t fight for anything. He didn’t fight for me. He didn’t fight for anything in the house. He simply walked away. Oh, there were a handful of moments in those couple of months where he found some tears to display, but I was long past the display of tears having any effect on me anymore. As with everything else in our marriage, I paid for the divorce too. Here’s to fresh starts, new and exciting experiences, and a much less stressful life!

I am a single mom of three beautiful daughters ages 29, 20, and 15.  At 50, I am recently divorced and making a career change.  I'm trying to put my BA and my MA to use finally!  My life hasn't always been easy but I feel good about the future!

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3 Ways I’ve Discovered to Raise Kind(er) Kids

by Meghan Yudes Meyers

We all want happy, healthy, confident kids and study after study suggests that fostering kindness in your kiddos can help boost their oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, all key biological players in happiness, wellness, and self-esteem. We know that kindness can be taught and empathy increased through modeling these behaviors for our kids. I’ve learned that letting my kids see me be an active community helper increases their desire to also pitch in and help others, but I wanted to grow my children’s understanding of people’s needs beyond random acts of kindness. Here are three more ways I’ve adopted to increase my kiddos’ kindness factor.

1. We Ditched the Word Nice

Meghan Yudes Meyers

When my kids were itty bitty, I used to talk about being “nice” 24/7. Raising sensitive, caring human beings was of the utmost importance to me. But I realized early on I was using the wrong words. 

“Ouch. Biting hurts. Biting is not nice.”

“It’s not nice to take toys. Your sister was still playing with that!”

“Be NICE to your brother. Hitting is not nice.”

Those statements are all true. Biting and hitting are not pleasant. And neither is someone snatching your favorite stuffie. But “nice” isn’t what I meant. KIND is. I had an a-ha moment when my kids were about four. I was sharing a story with my twins' then-teacher about one of my kiddos going above and beyond and really being well, nice, when she addressed this particular child and said, “Wow, that was SO kind of you.” 

I was instantly struck that she did not use my words. And I thought, wow, she’s right. I mean KIND. I ditched the word nice as my go-to descriptor from that day forward. Of course, my kids probably didn’t recognize these nuances when I first made the shift. But at seven, they can now tell the difference. For instance, my son came home the other day upset and complaining that his very favorite classmate wasn’t nice to him that day. I immediately empathized with him and asked him what went wrong, He wailed, “She had to pick a partner. And she didn’t pick me!”

To add salt to the wound, his twin sister was picked. 

As the story unfolded, I learned that this little girl had to choose her partner. Certainly an awkward and daunting task for a first grader! She had apparently made her choice by the child-equivalent to a coin toss, but my son wasn’t happy with the results. He whined, “It just wasn’t nice! She’s not nice!” 

I explained to him that not getting picked isn’t nice (or pleasant) at all! I also explained to him that having to choose a partner, knowing others might get hurt might not have been a nice process for his little friend, either. But, in the end, this child choose to make it as fair as possible, and that was kind.

Nice is a pretty basic word. Rainbows are nice. Unicorns are nice. Nice describes something that is pleasant. Something that, hopefully, leaves feel good vibes. But kindness is complex. Kindness takes so many shapes and, as the example above demonstrates, kindness doesn’t always look nice. Not only have we scratched nice from our vocabulary (or the most part), but my husband and I try to qualify acts of kindness whenever possible. We articulate exactly how an act is kind so our kids know it when they see it

2. We Are Active Observers

iStock

Studies suggest that merely observing kindness can boost our mood (and increase our empathy) as we take stock of the goodness that surrounds us. We practice being grateful by reviewing our day as a family. Who made our day better by some small act? Who shared with us? Said an uplifting word? Who included us?

We also flex our observation muscle when we watch TV or read a book. I was a bit of a Sesame Street junkie as a child. Bert and Ernie were my favorite duo, so much so that I invented my own imaginary friend, Bernie. While I was learning my ABCs and how to count with the Count, I was also absorbing very important lessons on empathy and kindness with the original emotional IQ educators. 

Most shows don’t unpack someone’s feelings quite like Bert & Ernie do (or my personal imaginary helper, Bernie did). Because most media does not guide kids on their quest to be empathetic, I channel Bernie and try to vocalize what we are watching on TV. Thank goodness for on-demand shows with pause capabilities in this day and age! When someone is offering a helping hand or lifting their friend up through words, we hit pause to discuss how those actions might affect the recipient. We also stop shows to discuss overtly mean, rude or unkind behavior. 

We do the same thing with the books we read. Recently, we were reading the delightful (and hilarious) new book, I Am Not a Dog Toy by Ethan T. Berlin. The little girl in this book is extremely unkind to her new toy who simply longs to be her new favorite friend. She makes rude comments about the toys appearance, ignores the toy's plea for a playmate and even shoves the toy. This book was a great leaping off point for us, as a family, to discuss how it is important to be kind to ourselves, too. And that tolerating bully-like behavior like the girl in this book exhibits isn't respecting our own boundaries. 

3. We Start with Ourselves

A toddler stretches out on the floor to draw using school supplies
iStock

I've read that children who are self-compassionate are more likely to empathize with others. It makes sense; when our kids are able to identify their feelings, work through their emotions and lift themselves up they can lean on some (or all) of those skills when they see a friend in need. 

Recently, we've were working through one of life's toughest emotions: Anger. I bought a kid-friendly workbook that had us do silly things like name our anger, draw a picture of what our anger might look like and, most importantly, identify what anger feels like when it starts to bubble up. The book helped take some of the scariness out of anger, after all it is a feeling we all experience from time to time. But both my kids were struggling with how to wrestle with this beast of an emotion when it came flooding into their little bodies. The book helped my kids identify some ways they could self-regulate when they were feeling angry, like take a walk or draw a picture. 

After we finished the book, I noticed both of my kids were much more self-aware when it came to their anger. They haven't quite reached a place where taking a walk to calm down is automatic, but they are able to say how they could possibly have reacted differently. But the unexpected reward from this little exercise was their newfound awareness (and empathy) towards others experiencing anger. 

Shortly after finishing the book, a classmate of theirs was, according to my kids, very (very!) angry. In the past, I'm confident my kids saw another person AS the angry monster (and not a person simply struggling with an emotion). But being able to simply identify that their classmate was experiencing anger and even taking a stab at what caused this child to become upset in the first place made the situation approachable to both of them. I'm not sure if suggesting to their classmate that they should draw a picture really helped?! But their ability to put themselves in their classmates shoe's is a happy step towards being two kinder kids. 

—Meghan Yudes Meyers

feature image via iStock

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When My Toddler Makes Me Angry

By Evelyn Rountree

Photo: Evelyn Rountree of Love, mamãe

How is it possible to feel anger towards someone you (probably) love more than anything in the world?

When my kids make me angry, that feeling weighs on me more than any of the acts they did to actually get me to that point. So, how do you navigate this feeling when you are already so aware of your own emotions?

Understanding My Anger

I wish there was a moment in my life that would be the “cause” for me ever getting angry at my kids. But the truth is… there isn’t.

I get angry with my kids because I have a heart that beats and a brain that (luckily) functions. I have a body that gets exhausted from sleepless nights and endless chores. I get bored from the lack of adult interaction. There is a point when I just can’t bear changing another doll’s outfit. Or a baby diaper. Or making 7 meals a day.

And so, getting angry with my kids encompasses a daily ritual that sometimes is just Too. Freaking. Boring.

And let’s not confuse boring with “doing nothing.” You can do one thousand things per minute in your day and still feel drained. It doesn’t mean that it’s always boring. Not even that you’d like to be living differently. It simply means that right there, at the moment, you lack something.

What are you lacking in your own life that makes you angry at your kids from time to time?

For me, what I’m usually lacking is a combination of free time plus feeling guilty. Mom-guilt is my number #1 “issue” in my motherhood journey.

I have always been a “free-spirited” person. I would go out to eat at 11 p.m. at night if I wanted to, sometimes I would wake up early on a Saturday morning, pack a bag and start driving until I end up somewhere cool.

My husband and I had dates weekly, I was always surrounded by friends, life was loud and agitated.

The main thing I missed (and miss) is freedom. The freedom to just get up and leave. To grocery shop in peace. Heck, to use the bathroom in peace!

Once you become a mom, those things are gone for a while. And I’m still in the “while”.

And so, I’ve been slowly finding out what works for me.

1. I feel my anger. Give me a good 5 minutes to just be angry (away from the kids) and not try to simply “snap out of it”.

2. I validate my emotions. Taking a few seconds to really think “I am angry because this sucks” or “I am angry because I have just mopped and they threw crackers all over the floor again” and “I am angry because they didn’t sleep all night and now still refuse to nap” or “I am angry because I miss going out alone.” Those are very real reasons that a human being would get angry about.

3. I try not to trap myself into the “guilt” spiral. Things like, “There are moms with kids in the hospital and here I am angry at them for coloring on the walls” are not valid. True, it’s always good to acknowledge your blessings of having healthy, happy kids and a family to care for. But saying things like that invalidate your feelings and, therefore, you don’t work through them. You have a right to feel your emotions.

4. Do not act in anger. I don’t mean to sound cheesy, but this needs to be said. And that’s for everything, especially when it’s about your kids. I am sure you know this, but kids aren’t born malicious or manipulative. They are learning how to navigate through their own little feelings and it’s as hard for them as it is for you, if not more. It’s true, they do not understand WHY they can’t ask the same questions 300 times within a minute even after you’ve told them the answer.

So, for me, I take a beat. If I feel angry, I will step away and let myself feel angry. Cry if I have to. Scream if I need to. I will then come to them and explain, looking in their eyes, why I am angry. And crazy enough, they understand!

Just a few days ago, my almost 3-years-old girl and I had a bad day together. A combination of a bad night, no nap, and pouring rain lead to a difficult day to manage for us.

When my husband got home from work, he saw that we were just not in sync, so, he took her into her room, sat with her, and told her she could cry, scream, whatever she wanted. She was in there with him for a good 15 minutes just crying. And then…silence.

They both came out and she ran to me, and said: “I’m really sorry mommy, I’m ready to sleep now”.

While they were in the room and she was having a meltdown, I was out in the living room having a meltdown of my own. I cried and cried and just felt that anger. So by the time she was hugging me, I was squeezing her back saying “I’m sorry too, mommy is just super tired”.

You see…the both of us didn’t have a good day. It’s easy for me to forget that the tiny human yelling at me isn’t doing that to just make me angry and, while I’m having such a hard time myself, my almost 3-year-old little girl was getting pretty irritated with me too.

But in order for me to comprehend that, I had to first acknowledge, validate and allow my feelings to pour…so that I could let them go.

This post originally appeared on Love, mamãe.
feature image: Ryan Franco via Unsplash

I'm a stay-at-home mom to two toddlers, ages 3 and 1. Also a wife, a homemaker, business owner, and the heart behind the motherhood blog "Love, mamãe". My goal? To help mothers survive the toddler years with joy, grace, and sanity!

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