ML Interest Tag: assume

Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You

By Celeste Erlach

Dear Husband,
I. need. more. help.

Last night was hard for you. I asked you to watch the baby so I could go to bed early. The baby was crying. Wailing, really. I could hear him from upstairs, and my stomach knotted from the sound, wondering if I should come down there and relieve you or just shut the door so I could get some desperately needed sleep. I chose the latter.

You came into the room 20 minutes later, with the baby still frantically crying. You placed the baby in the bassinet and gently pushed it just a few inches closer to my side of the bed, a clear gesture that you were done watching him.

I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to launch an epic fight that very moment. I had been watching the baby and the toddler all damn day. I was going to be waking up with the baby to feed him all damn night. The least you can do is hold him for a couple of hours in the evening so I can attempt to sleep.

Just a few hours of precious sleep. Is that too much to ask?

I know we both watched our parents fulfill the typical mother-father roles growing up. Both our mothers were the primary caretakers and our fathers were relatively hands-off. They were excellent dads, but they weren’t expected to spend a significant amount of time changing diapers, feeding, caring, and tending to the kids. Our mothers were the superwomen who maintained the family dynamics. Cooking, cleaning, and raising the children. Any help from dad was welcome but unexpected.

I see us falling into these family dynamics more and more each day. My responsibility to feed the family, keep the house clean, and take care of the kids is assumed, even as I return to work. I blame myself for most of it, too. I have set the precedent that I can do it. And in truth, I want to. No offense, but I’m not sure I want to know what a week’s worth of dinner would look like with you in charge.

I also see my friends and other moms doing it all, and doing it well. I know you see it, too. If they can manage it, and if our mothers did it so well for us, why can’t I?

I don’t know.

Maybe our friends are playing the part in public and secretly struggling. Maybe our moms suffered in silence for years and now, 30 years later, they simply don’t remember how hard it really was. Or maybe, and this is something I berate myself over every single day, I’m just not as qualified for the job as everyone else. And as much as I cringe just thinking it, I’m going to say it: I need more help.

Part of me feels like a failure for even asking. I mean, you do help. You are an amazing father, and you do a great job with the kids. And besides, this should come easy to me, right? Motherly instincts, no?

But I’m human and running on five hours of sleep and tired as hell. I need you.

In the morning, I need you to get our toddler ready so I can care for the baby and make everyone’s lunches and drink a cup of coffee. And no, getting the toddler ready does not mean plopping him in front of the TV. It means making sure he goes potty, giving him some breakfast, seeing if he wants water, and packing his bag for school.

At night, I need an hour to decompress in bed, knowing our toddler is asleep in his room and the baby is in your care. I know it’s hard to listen to the baby cry. Believe me, I know. But if I can watch and pacify the baby for the majority of the day, you can do it for an hour or two at night. Please. I need you.

On weekends, I need more breaks. Times when I can get out of the house by myself and feel like an individual. Even if it’s just a walk around the block or a trip to the grocery store. And some days when I’ve scheduled swim class and play dates, and it seems like I’ve got it all under control, I need you to offer to lend me a hand. Or suggest I go lie down during the kids’ naptime. Or start putting away the dishes without me suggesting it. I need you.

Lastly, I need to hear you’re grateful for all I do. I want to know that you notice the laundry is done and a nice dinner has been prepared. I want to know you appreciate that I breastfeed at all hours and pump when I’m at work when it would be easier for me to formula feed. I hope you notice that I never ask you to stay home from your networking events and sports activities. As the mom, it’s assumed I’ll be home all the time and always available to care for the kids while you’re out and I feed that assumption by, well, being home all the time.

I know it’s not how our parents did it, and I hate even asking. I wish I could do it all and make it look effortless. And I wish I didn’t need kudos for doing things most people expect from a mom. But I’m waving a white flag and admitting I’m only human. I’m telling you how much I need you, and if I keep going at the pace I’ve been on, I will break. And that would hurt you, the kids, and our family.

Because, let’s face it: You need me, too.

This post originally appeared on And What a Mom!

Hi! I’m Celeste. I consider myself a relatively new mom with two boys ages 4 and 2. Other titles I go by include: wife, health & wellness coach, marketing guru, avid reader (self-help books are my favorite), writer, travel/adventure seeker and fitness nut.

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Why Kids Test Our Limits & What to Do About It

By Jen Lumanlan

“Please don’t jump on the couch.”

“I told you not to jump on the couch.”

“STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!”

We set limits, and our children test them.

Conventional parenting advice says that it’s a children’s job to test our limits and that they’ll do this to find out how we’ll react. They want to find holes in our patience or our logic, and to check that we’re going to hold our limit. They are trying to establish a hierarchy of power in the relationship, and gain control of the situation.

And they are. If we view our relationship with our child as a zero-sum game, one person’s win has to be balanced by another person’s loss.  And if we aren’t the winner, then the alternative—that our child might have the upper hand—is too difficult to even imagine.

And if our goal is to make sure your children don’t get the upper hand, then we’ll always be in this struggle to make sure we’re on top.

We Feel Like We Need Control

At the root of these struggles is what feels like a need for control. And I say “feels like,” because any illusion that we have control over anything in our lives is exactly that: an illusion.

We feel like we control our schedules, our children’s activities, our finances. But if we think about it, actually very little of those things are under our control.  (Don’t think about it too long—it can be scary!)

Society tells us that it’s our job to be in control—we learned this from our parents (as well as school), and now we’re teaching it to our children by setting limits on their behavior.

But what if it didn’t have to be like this? What if we could not be in an antagonistic relationship with our children and also not have them constantly test us?

Most parents assume that the solution to children not listening (or deliberately ignoring) limits is, you guessed it, more limits. And stronger enforcement of limits. That when our children listen to us, we might be able to back off a little. Maybe.

The Solution Is Fewer Limits

Yes, I know it seems counterintuitive. If our children aren’t listening to us now, how could setting fewer limits possibly be the answer?

Because setting limits sets the tone of our relationship. And if our relationship is based on power, antagonism, and control, then our children will always try to get the upper hand. How could they not? They are learning from us that someone needs to have it, and the person who doesn’t have it gets walked all over, so they’d better at least give it a shot.

But if we set fewer limits, we set an entirely different tone.

A collaborative tone. A communicative tone. A tone that says: “Our relationship is the most important thing to me.”

So how do we set fewer limits without letting our kids walk all over us?

The key is to set limits that are grounded in your values. When you do this, your child hears in your voice that you’re serious. (You’ve noticed this before, right? When you say something that you believe in, and your child doesn’t protest?)

So you set limits on issues that are important to you—and the rest of them—you let go.

It’s not easy.

It’s a huge mindset shift, so I run a free workshop to help parents do it.

The strangest part about it all is that it doesn’t require us to get our children to do anything. We aren’t trying to change their behavior. We aren’t trying to control them, or win a battle over them. We’re finding a new way to be in a relationship with them that’s so much more peaceful and joyful and just plain fun!

And also, it’s easier than the other way. Because everyone could use some more easy in their life right now.

 

Feature photo: Pixel-Shot via Shutterstock

Jen Lumanlan fills the gaps in her parenting intuition through research, via a Master’s in Psychology (Child Development) and another in Education.  Her podcast, Your Parenting Mojo, provides rigorous yet accessible information on parenting and child development to help parents tame the overwhelm and raise resilient, thriving children.

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We’re Extra Thankful This Year: The Macy’s Parade Is Returning!

by Karly Wood

It’s official: the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is back! After a hiatus, one of the world’s most iconic celebrations is returning to the streets of NYC.

The 95th edition of the parade will take place from 9 a.m. to noon on Thursday, Nov. 25. It will also air on NBC in all time zones for optimal viewing pleasure for those of us not brave enough to weather the, well weather.

photo: Mimi O’Conners for Red Tricycle

More details are expected to come, but it can be assumed guests may be limited as the world still navigates the pandemic. As of now, Macy’s has also stated its volunteers and staff will be vaccinated,

To stay tuned on the event that’s only 77 days away, be sure to check the Macy’s Parade website.

––Karly Wood

 

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Take the Day Off from Being Chief Home Officer

By Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP

A few years ago, I remember reading an article about Mother’s Day. The writer observed how, instead of a spa day or sleeping in, what she really wanted was a day centered on the motherhood experience. Not the laundry. Not the dishes. Not the perpetually sticky floors. She just wanted to have fun with her kids, no chores attached.

This stuck with me. For all of us who work outside the home, we are used to negotiating our time out of the office. We lock down a certain number of days off before we take a job. We put in requests for PTO around holidays and vacations. But when it comes to motherhood, we’ve somehow drunk the Kool-Aid that we’re supposed to always be on duty.

What if we chose a different path? What if we assumed the role of a benevolent manager to our mom-selves and said, “With this job, you are responsible for a lot of repetitive but important tasks, you get a pension plan of unlimited love and joy, and you’re guaranteed regular days off from the drudgery?” I think we’d be happier parents and people.

Overcoming Your Inner-Overachiever

It can be hard, of course, to check out for the day. I get it. We are programmed to think about how we can multitask better, how we can optimize every minute, how we can be successful at home and at work in half the time. That’s grit. That’s drive. And in so many situations, that’s commendable.

The only problem is, burnout is a very real consequence of that mentality. We owe it to ourselves to step back every now and then to do fun things just for the sake of, you know, fun.

And if you think our COVID-era lifest‌yles preclude everything you’d want to do, think again. This isn’t a call for some grand gesture so much as it is an urging toward intentionally enjoying ourselves now and then for no other purpose than to bring happiness back into our parenting.

Still not convinced? Here are a few doable ideas to get you started:

1. Snuggle In: Even if you can’t sleep in, you can stay in your pj’s all day and watch movies and color together.
2. Bake: Forget pandemic baking. You’re baking for no reason! Cake, bread, whatever your jam is, you’re putting that sucker in the oven. Just. for. fun.
3. Get Outside: No park playdates here! Nope, you’re going on a walk just to feel the sunshine together. (Or, if you’re in Portland, to admire the clouds.) If you can’t completely squelch that overachiever mentality, you’re allowed to pack a picnic. But don’t forget dessert!
4. Bust Out the Boardgames: Even toddlers can hold their own in a game of memory or Candy Land. And that analog-st‌yle fun will bring back your own happy childhood memories.

PTO: APPROVED

So how often should you be doing this? Well, that’s up to you. There are those out there making the case that laziness has certain hidden advantages. (Looking at you, creativity!) I personally find that once a month strikes the balance between doable and rejuvenating. If you can do it once a week, more power to you. If you can’t do it at all, I urge you to reconsider. And, if all else fails, put it on your calendar. You can always schedule the laundry for the next day.

This post originally appeared on Modern Mommy Doc.
Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I'm a pediatrician and a mama mindset expert. I host The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, and am a mom to two young girls in Portland, Oregon. I'm also author of The New Baby Blueprint and The Working Mom Blueprint from the American Academy of Pediatrics. 

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The System Is Failing Our Autistic Adults

By Laurie Hellmann

 

teen with backpack alone

photo: Jesús Rodríguez via Unsplash

The month of April is notoriously known for bringing awareness to autism. I am a huge proponent of using this monthly platform to educate about the sad realities for autistic adults and the overwhelming need for autism acceptance and inclusion.

All parents have hopes and dreams for their children. My plans and expectations for Skyler’s life began before he was even born.

Would he be a star athlete, high achieving student always on the honor roll, musically inclined, or even better, an exceptional friend to everyone he meets.

Of course, I daydreamed about Skyler’s career path too. Perhaps he’d love the law like his mother and become an attorney. Maybe he’d find true joy being an engineer, doctor, contractor or salesman.

As his name reveals, and I’d always say, “Sky’s the limit for my boy.”

Six months into parenting, assuming I was nailing it like a pro, imagine the shock and confusion I felt hearing that my beautiful son had autism.

Immediately following the diagnosis, I received very limited information because “much is still unknown about the cause, treatment options, financial support available and future prognosis for those with ASD.”  Not to mention, each child with autism is completely unique, so each family will travel a different path along their journey.

As I was sent on my way with a few generic pamphlets and a bill for the office visit, I was forced to dramatically shift from everything I thought I knew about parenting and had to accept my new reality.

I thought, “He’s only three. If I remain steadfast on getting him into every therapy and early intervention I can find, surely, he will be afforded every chance to experience the same things as his peers when the time comes—employment, self-advocacy and independent living.”

I knew autism would impact the pace of his development but never did I give up on preparing Skyler for the incredible future that he deserved.

I always assumed I had plenty of time.

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, Skyler turns 18-years-old next week. Believe me, when I tell you, I’m still in complete disbelief. I’m not ready…I need more time.

I desperately try not to dwell on the harsh realities of life for a non-verbal, severely autistic adult. I always assumed that, by the time Skyler was an adult, things would have drastically improved.

Sadly, the old stigmas still exist.

It’s often assumed that upon turning the page from childhood to adulthood, all learning potential has stopped and therefore, the need for continued support, programs, funding and educational resources is a moot point.

Autism is not something a person outgrows nor is there a magic age where new skills and progress are no longer achievable.

Acceptance and coming to terms with an uncertain adult future for Skyler has remained the hardest concept for me to grasp and keeps me awake at night.

The fact is, not all autistic adults are alike. Some talk, some don’t. Some drive, some don’t. Some can advocate for themselves, others cannot.

As Skyler officially becomes an adult, I feel as though I’m back in that medical office receiving a second autism diagnosis—but this time, there’s not a single pamphlet on how to navigate adulthood within a system that’s broken. I’m frightened and angrier knowing that Skyler is now among the older autistic population that is forgotten about and disregarded.

According to the CDC, as of April 2020, an estimated 5.4 million adults in the United States have autism.

Sadly, the federal requirement for providing supportive services in adulthood does not exist! The avoidance and refusal to address this issue, at both state and federal levels, which affects a rapidly growing population of adults on the spectrum, is a travesty.

For families like mine, who support a loved one with autism, our daily fight advocating for services, resources and equality lasts for the entirety of our child’s life and likely beyond my own lifetime.

While I appreciate the demonstration of solidarity as the world “lights up blue” on Apr. 2nd for World Autism Awareness Day, I can’t help but think, what we truly need instead is acknowledgment that the opportunities for our adults on the spectrum to thrive in this country are lacking and we need action taken.

It’s critical that entire communities everywhere stand together and demand assistance, support and change for all autistics—not just for those under the age of 21.

The Autism Society of America recognizes that the prevalence of autism in the United States has risen from 1 in 125 children in 2010 to 1 in 59 in 2020!

Clearly, this rapid increase in newly diagnosed children also translates into a growing adult autistic population.

Therefore, the goal for Autism Acceptance Month should be twofold:

1. To further increase understanding and awareness about autism signs and symptoms.
2. Invest time, energy and funding toward creating community partnerships with businesses and organizations dedicated to building inclusive experiences for all age groups.

So, I encourage you to join me, not just for the month of April but year-round, to #CelebrateDifferences. Let’s use our voices to generate change.

I'm the mom to an 18 year old son with severe autism, a neurotypical teen daughter & have an incredibly supportive husband! I authored a memoir - Welcome to My Life: A Personal Parenting Journey Through Autism & host the podcast Living the Sky Life. Visit my website www.LaurieHellmann.com to learn more about me!

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Blaming versus Giving the Benefit of the Doubt

By Jessica Speer

Does this sound familiar? Your child comes home upset and reports that their friend did or said something mean. After hearing the story, you are convinced that indeed there was malicious intent, and the friend is to blame. A few days later, your child’s friendship returns to normal. But you are still stewing and have a hard time seeing your child’s friend in a positive light.

In social situations like these, our minds generate a variety of explanations for the behavior of others. Some of these explanations give someone the benefit of the doubt. Others assign blame, judge, and even attack their character. In the situation described above, we only heard one perspective, yet we assigned blame and assumed the friend’s bad intention.

This sort of thing happens all the time. Humans tend to jump to conclusions so we can make better sense of our world. Psychologists refer to this as our “attribution st‌yle.” Some people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt (benign attribution style), while other people tend to blame and assume bad intent (hostile attribution st‌yle).

Which attribution st‌yle has more positive relationships and overall happiness? (The tendency to blame or the tendency to give others the benefit of the doubt?)

Studies show that people with a benign attribution st‌yle, or the tendency to see the good in others, lead happier lives and experience more positive relationships.

So what does this have to do with parenting?

Our attribution st‌yle is not set in stone. If we tend to have a hostile attribution st‌yle, we can change the way we think. This effort will positively impact our kids as they see us giving them and others the benefit of the doubt before jumping to negative conclusions.

As parents, it’s important to help our kids navigate difficult emotions and situations. In these instances, we can make sure our kids feel heard and validate their feelings. Then, we can help them see the bigger picture. Maybe their friend is having a difficult time, maybe the behavior was not intentional, and that there is likely more to the story. 

When we emerge from the COVID-19 pandemic, life will no doubt be challenging. People are dealing with unprecedented changes in their lives, such as the loss of jobs, loved ones, routine, and connection with others. Life is steeped in uncertainty and fear. Now is a perfect time to practice a benign attribution st‌yle. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Avoid assumptions. Focus on the good. The world needs this right now, and so do our kids.

This post originally appeared on www.JessicaSpeer.com.

Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences.    

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New Research Suggests Babies May Have More Advanced Language Skills Than You Think

by Erica Loop

New research from the University of Edinburgh found that infants may recognize combinations of words before they can speak. The study, which was published in the journal Cognition, challenges the idea that babies learn single words first and then progress to more complex multi-word phrases.

Researchers assessed the language development of 11 and 12-month-olds to learn more about how infants build communication skills. This study specifically looked at language learning behaviors in 36 babies during a series of attention tests.

photo: Helena Lopes via Pexels

The tests used recorded adult speech to explore how the babies responded to combinations of three-word sequences. Study researchers then compared the babies’ responses, measuring how long the children looked—also known as central fixation. Using central fixation times, the researchers found that some of the babies were learning their first words while simultaneously learning combinations.

According to Dr. Barbora Skarabela, of the School of Philosophy, Psychology and Languages Sciences, “Previous research has shown that young infants recognize many common words. But this is the first study that shows that infants extract and store more than just single words from everyday speech. This suggests that when children learn language, they build on linguistic units of varying sizes, including multiword sequences, and not just single words as we often assume.”

Dr. Skarabela added, “This may explain why adults learning a second language, who tend to rely on individual words, often fall short of reaching native-like proficiency in the way they string words together into phrases and sentences.”

—Erica Loop

 

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Always Buy Cereal & Other Lessons I’ve Learned from a 13-Year-Old

By Jenni Brennan

When I became a parent nearly 14 years ago, I knew absolutely nothing about parenting. I’d read all the baby books, perused all the parenting websites, signed up for the weekly emails about my baby’s development and yet still was woefully under-prepared for what it would take to be a mother.

Not much has changed since then. I still feel inadequate most days as I stumble my way through the maze of parenthood. As my oldest approaches his 14th birthday, I find myself amazed by how much he has changed in just one year. Blinking back tears, I look at him today, amazed at the young man he has become, and am humbled by just how much he has taught me during his 13th year:

1. Hold on loosely, but don’t let go. It turns out that 80s bands gave us more than just good music—they gave us solid advice to live by as parents. My 13-year-old has taught me this year that while I need to hold onto him and continue to guide him, I can’t cling too tightly. He needs space to find himself and that means space to make his own mistakes. If I hold too tightly, he’s never going to learn how to make it as an adult.

2. Be honest with friends. Middle school has been rough for me as a parent this past year, as it turns out that middle school drama doesn’t really stop when you leave middle school. It all rears its ugly head again when you become a middle school parent. During moments this past year when my 13-year old caught wind of such drama, he was always very matter-of-fact and eager to offer advice to me. He always encouraged me to “just talk to them” and be honest. His message—if they are your friends, they’ll understand.

3. Don’t sweat the small stuff. You can learn a lot from how 13-year-old boys handle conflict. While they have their share of disagreements with their friends, get hurt, and have drama, they are quick to let it go and move on. They don’t sweat the small stuff. They let it roll off their backs. We could benefit from doing more of the same as adults.

4. Sleepovers are the worst. I thought sleepovers would get better as they got older. They don’t. Although they can regulate themselves and then recover a bit quicker than my 10-year-old when it comes to going to sleep at a normal time, now that they are teenagers the responsibility of hosting becomes so much more stressful for us as parents. Are other kids bringing in vapes, drugs, or alcohol? Are they going to try to sneak out? Are they doing something on social media that might hurt other kid’s feelings? Sleepovers for 13-year-olds still suck.

5. Hugs are the greatest gift. When my son was little, he was a great hugger and snuggler. Now, hugs are much harder to come by. But, when I do get a surprise hug hello or thank-you or as a comfort, it is one of the greatest gifts ever. I wish I hadn’t taken all those toddler hugs for granted, I never knew how much I would miss them.

6. Teenagers can navigate. This summer we went tubing down a river in New Hampshire with a large group of families. It was a 5-mile river float and we let the group of teenage boys float off together ahead of the adults. Many of us worried that they wouldn’t be aware enough to see the tiny sign that would indicate it was time for them to get off the river. When we rounded the bend and saw the beach with the sign, the teens were nowhere in sight. I immediately wrote them off, assuming they missed it but I could not have been more wrong. Not only had they seen it, but they had returned their floats to the rental place and were waiting together for us near our cars.

7. Car rides are special. Joining a travel sports team has meant lots of long car rides over the past year and although those often meant waking up early and staring at headlights for 2+ hours, they also mean that I got to ride side by side with my 13-year-old, trapped in a moving box. Just us. Something special often happens on those long car rides. The air shifts just a bit and he begins to open up about his life, his friends, his feelings, his fears. I love those car rides now.

8. Teens have good instincts too. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from my 13-year-old is that just because we, as adults, are older, doesn’t necessarily mean we are wiser. Teenagers are humans too and have some gut instincts that sometimes are spot on. It’s important to give them a chance to use their voice and share their instincts. Being able to tap into that insight will help them immensely in their adulthood.

9. We need more cereal. ​One of the primary sources of fuel for 13-year-old boys is cereal. It could be a meal for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or a snack and teenagers eat it by the boatload. My 13-year-old has taught me to assume that we always need more cereal. If you see me at any store these days, I can guarantee I have some cereal and milk in my cart. ​

There are whole sections of bookstores devoted to the topic of how to parent a teenager. You could read every single one of those books and still feel unsure of yourself as you navigate the waters of parenting a teenager. But, I’m learning that the best way to parent them is to see them, hear them, and accept them for who they are right now…and feed them lots and lots of cereal.

This post originally appeared on Changing Perspectives.

Jenni Brennan is a psychotherapist, college professor, creator of Changing Perspectives, and co-host of The Changing Perspectives Podcast. Jenni is passionate about exploring the topics of parenting, relationships, grief, and mental health through her writing and podcast episodes. She lives with her husband, 2 sons, 3 dogs, and 2 cats in Massachusetts.

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Tiny Birth Stories: We Delivered More Than Just Christmas Cookies

by Danielle Rizzo

Our new series, Tiny Birth Stories, is aimed at sharing real-life stories from our readers to our readers. In just 100 words or less, we’re bringing you the raw, the funny and the heartwarming stories you’ve lived while bringing babies into the world. Here are five stories that will have you laughing, crying and nodding your head in solidarity. 

Interested in telling your birth story? Click here.

The night we delivered cookies and more by Elise

It was the week before Christmas, and I had some friends over to bake Christmas cookies. By early evening my stomach was really hurting and I assumed it was from eating too many cookies. Snow started falling and the pain got worse – it was time to go to the hospital! An intern checked to see how far along I was and she yelled, “that’s his head!” Still in my sweater I wore to the hospital the intern delivered her first baby. The cookies we brought the nurses were still warm.

When everything you think you know goes out the window by Jennifer C. 

Nothing went as planned! Thankfully, I had planned for that. I thought when my water broke, I’d KNOW! When it did, I assumed I had been peeing my pants all day. I thought I could labor without pain meds! I only lasted an hour in the hospital before I requested an epidural. I thought I would deliver in record time. I labored for 26 hours. I thought my baby would come home with us. Instead, she was in the NICU for 10 days. Nothing went as planned, but I guess plans are meant to change. I was okay with that.

How hypnobirthing techniques prepared me for labor by Rebekah

I currently have 6 children, but this is the story of the birth of my 3rd, a beautiful baby boy. I practiced hypnobirthing techniques throughout my pregnancy, so I was well prepared for labor. My labor started in the middle of the night just two days before my due date, and I labored calmly at home, in and out of the shower, for hours. At 6 am my good friend (and mom of 7) started encouraging me to go to the hospital. I kept saying no, I wasn’t far enough alone, but eventually acquiesced. Once they got me in a room the nurse checked me and I was 9.5 centimeters! I begged for an epidural but the doctor said there was no time. I was SO scared of pushing without one, but in just a few pushes my 7lb 15oz baby was born, and my recovery was so easy. It was an amazing experience.

When the hardest part was picking a name by Fatima C. 

Aside from the regular aches and pains from growing a human, I rarely lost sleep, still traveled like a mad-woman for work and never got sick – everything was so smooth and I loved being pregnant! The only wildcard was that we didn’t know the gender. Just over 3 weeks before my due date we finally decided on a boy name – Weston. After timing out contractions and calling the hospital, hubby and I were on the road by 6.30AM and checked in an hour later. Labor progressed quickly afterwards – I wanted to start pushing shortly after noon but had to wait for the doctor to make her way back. She actually left the hospital because she thought I wouldn’t deliver until that evening! I was finally able to push around 1.30PM and the kid popped out barely 10 minutes later! Our little boy was born with a hot set of lungs and completely healthy. It felt like all he was waiting for before making his way into the world was just his name. :)

Medical inductions times three by Laura S. 

I had severe hyperemesis with all my pregnancies, so I should have known none of my births would be easy. All three of my labors had to be induced for medical reasons, and all three seemed to last longer than 2020. The shortest was 30 hours, the longest was 48. I fully believe they all would have stayed in forever if I’d allowed them. I did find out I have one relatively useless super-talent: I can push babies out in record time! My longest delivery was 45 minutes and the shortest was 6. So I’ve got that going for me.

Why There’s No Such Thing as Magic Words

By Janet Coburn

Almost universally, parents experience the ritual of teaching children to say the “magic words”: please and thank you.  Many children get the idea that there is only one magic word: “please-and-thank-you.” It’s considered a triumph when children begin to use the words spontaneously.

However, the practice of calling them “magic words” seems to convey to children that if they use them, their wish will be granted. They will receive the candy, the toy, the outing, whatever is the object of their desire. This may be because the desired object is something a parent already intends to give the child. In essence, this is a bribe intended to get the child to say “please-and-thank-you.”

When the magic words don’t work—when the child is asking for something the parent is unable or unwilling to give—little Evan or Marguerite is disappointed, even upset to the point of melt-down. It’s a sad lesson in life that there really are no magic words that result in wish-fulfillment.

Instead of bribing kids into saying please and thank you, I recommend using another old standby of child-raising: The notion that children imitate adults.

But how often do children really see please and thank you, and that other essential phrase “you’re welcome,” used in the home or by parents? Manners can become a little lax when you see someone every day.

How difficult is it to say, quite naturally, “Please pass the salt” or “Please help me put away these groceries” or “Please keep the noise down. I’m going to have a nap”? And then thank the other adult when she or he complies. How often do we say, “You’re welcome” when you give someone something they have requested? And how often do we say “please” and “thank you” sarcastically, as if they shouldn’t have to be said at all? 

While family life gives plenty of opportunities for demonstrating the proper way to use the magic words, so too do interactions in the outside world. How many of us remember to say “thank you” to the server who brings our food? How many forget the “please” in the simple sentence, “Please bring me a glass of water”? When thanked by a person you’ve helped in some way, do you answer, “You’re welcome” or at least “No problem,” the modern-day equivalent?

Personally, I think that the most important time to use the words, “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome” is within the family. They are words of acknowledgment, appreciation, and goodwill that surely our family members deserve. If it feels weird to say these words to your partner, ask yourself why. Do you feel that less politeness is due to family members than to a stranger? I think they deserve more. 

Of course, in daily interactions, it’s easy to forget saying please and thank you to someone you know so well. Their compliance is assumed, so much so that the sentence, “No, I can’t help you with the groceries” is shocking.

But that’s another thing that children need to learn—that sometimes their requests, even prefaced with the magic words, will receive a negative response. Then they have a chance to learn the words “I’m sorry,” as in “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were on the phone” or “I’m sorry. I can’t help right now, but give me ten minutes and I will.”

My point is that please-and-thank-you aren’t magic words at all, that you’re welcome and I’m sorry should go along with them, and that using them as everyday words within your household is the best way to teach them.

After all, don’t we also say, “Children learn what they live”?

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

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