ML Interest Tag: blame

7 Things Our Daughters Need to Know Before Middle School

By Krissy Dieruf

Powerful words can make a difference before kids head to middle school

Dear daughter,

1. Someone else doesn’t need to think you’re beautiful to make it true.

Please know that you are beautiful. And not in the least because of how your eyes and nose fit on your face or the size of your waist. You are beautiful because of who you are. Those who care about you will not only see your beauty, but they will love you for loving yourself and knowing all of your own great strengths.

Do not put the power of your truth in the hands of another to decide. Hold onto it and boldly believe in yourself. You already possess it. Whether they see it or not, it’s yours.

2. Feeling good about yourself is not a bad thing.

To know one’s own strengths is a great skill. It is necessary for success in life, love, friendships, intimacy, careers, and even physical and mental health. Do not be afraid to trust in your strengths. You can know where your greatness lies and balance it with the awareness of where your faults and struggles hold you back.

We are not meant to ignore our bright light, nor are we meant to pretend as though we lack imperfections. You may be tempted to step heel to toe to make others feel more comfortable or accepting, but we all fall off that tightrope. Your feet belong on solid ground because you are incredible and flawed. Accept both.

3. You can blame me for anything.

There will be times when you find yourself in a situation that you know is trouble. You will be faced with drinking, drugs, and other “just do it” situations that are harmful to you or that you just don’t want to participate in. And yet, what should you say? Dear daughter, say that your mom has the superhero power of knowing all and you will be indentured to a life of chores and Friday night board games with your parents forever.

I trust you to make good choices, but when you need an excuse, when you need someone to blame, I can be whatever you want me to be to get you out of a bad situation.

Related: Daughters (Who’ll Conquer the World) Need to Hear These 8 Things

4. Everyone is exaggerating.

Fear of missing out can lead to bad choices, loneliness, jealousy, and hurt feelings. When you are feeling that way, remember that pictures exaggerate the truth. A simple night of three friends sitting around staring at their own phones can look like the sleepover of the century with one selfie posted on Instagram. Filters are there for a reason, they make the image of the truth look better than it really is. Likely you didn’t miss out on anything. And even if you did, your turn will come.

5. Build up your friends; it doesn’t take away from how awesome you are.

An unfortunate lie that girls are told in our society is that we must compete with one another to be the best. Healthy competition in sports and activities is a good thing when everyone knows the rules and is on the same playing field. Unhealthy competition is unspoken or hidden; it is not acknowledged and there are no rules. It leads to covert bullying also known as relational aggression.

Magazines and movies want us to think that only one girl can be the beautiful one at a party, only one dress can be the prettiest, and only one girl can get the guy. Do not be held back by needing to be prettier/smarter/cuter/trendier/sportier than your friends. Don’t be friends with girls who are stuck needing to be better than you. Be yourself and then give your friends props for being awesome, too.

6. You are in charge of your body.

Okay, this is a serious one—the most important one on this list. I want you to close your eyes and think really hard about this now for a moment because you only have one body. And your body is precious to me. I hope your body is precious to you. I hope that you treat your body as the strong, capable, incredible form that it is.

Every part of you is beautiful and perfect, designed for anything and everything you want it to do. Listen to your body, be the driver of your vessel, treat it with respect, and others will, too.

7. I will always be here. You are always my girl.

Life is hard. And like I said, we are all just trying to figure it out. As you learn and grow and change, I will always be here. I hope you will feel the warmth of my arms around you no matter where you are, like a ribbon tethering you always to the place from where you first came. I love you more than the air I breathe. I love watching you unfold and figure out who you are and claim your path.

You already have everything inside of you that you will ever need, and I am the luckiest mom in the world to have you as my daughter. I am always on your side, I’ve got your back and am holding a spotlight over you as you learn to fly, forever your cheerleader. Thanks for being you.

Related: 7 Things My Son Absolutely Needs to Hear—& Know—Before Middle School

 

 

Krissy Dieruf is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children, loves to sing and dance around the house and has a soft spot for rebels and crazy hair. 

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7 Things Our Sons Need to Hear—& Know—Before Middle School

By Krissy Dieruf

 

1. You don’t have to talk big to be cool.

Guys seem to have a dynamic of competition that is fun and playful but can lead to “big talk” or making yourself look and sound bigger than you are really are. Whether in sports, academics, girlfriends, stuff you have or stuff you can do, boys have no problem sharing all their amazing qualities with one another. This is awesome! Except that those qualities can sometimes be exaggerated and blown out of proportion.

Trust that you are an amazing kid without needing to promote yourself or exaggerate a single thing. People can see who you are without you having to tell them. Be yourself and you won’t need to talk yourself up.

2. Playing sports is not the most important thing in the world.

There is huge excitement and a rush that comes with watching someone who is great at a sport and everyone loves to be connected to a winning team. But sometimes the sports culture and our obsession with it can lead us to think sports are more important than everything else. It also creates the idea that kids who don’t play sports are second class citizens.

Your job as an awesome human being is to see everyone for their character above their performance. A lot of kids will be liked for what they do in a sport, not how they actually treat people. Avoid the trap of this particular type of group-think. And, if you are one of the athletes, be kinder and more inclusive of others because of it. Not the other way around.

3. You are in charge of your body—your body is not in charge of you.

You have a strong mind and a strong body. You are in charge of it, no one else. It is special to me and I hope it is special to you. It doesn’t matter what others are doing with their bodies, you decide what you’re comfortable with.

You may feel sometimes as if your body is the leader of your actions, but your brain is what drives your body. Always. You will have some pretty lit (as you kids say these days) relationships when you are older and wiser and you will experience everything in time. Don’t rush.

4. Your emotions are just as important as your grades, sports, friends or activities—actually, even more so!

Historically, boys and men have been taught to ignore their emotions, but trust that you have just as many feelings as every other human being (about 27 basic ones and even more complex ones!). Limiting your emotions or choosing to ignore them, limits your existence and your incredible awe-filled life experiences!

So, no matter how uncomfortable, embarrassing or difficult it may be at times, listen to yourself, pay attention to how you feel and learn talk about your emotions with the people you trust (i.e. your mom). They make you who you are and you are amazing.

5. Blame me for anything.

There will be times that you are faced with difficult decisions. When all your friends are doing something that you know is not okay, when your conscience is tugging at your, but your brain is confused because something sounds fun or you’re curious or you don’t want your friends to be mad at you for not joining in.

When you know you should say no, but that doesn’t seem like enough, when the pressure is there, blame me. Tell your friends your mom turns crazy and will ground you for life. Tell them I have superhuman powers and will find out everything so you just can’t do it. Of course, I trust you to make good decisions, but when you need an excuse, blame me.

6. I expect you to make mistakes and yes, even fail at a few things, too.

If you don’t know this by now, I will tell you again; it’s okay to make mistakes. In fact, I want you to, because that means you are trying new things and pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. This is the only way to actually grow as a human being and to find out all your incredible strengths.

How you handle failure is one of the best things to know about yourself, because there is little in this world more difficult than failure. It does not denote an end, but only a hurdle over which one must learn a new way to leap. And I know you are a great problem solver.

7. I am so proud of you.

Already I can see inside of you a huge heart and a strong mind. I can see your generous spirit and caring soul that looks out for the underdog. I love your cool hairdos and your insistence on needing to come to your own decisions on your own time, in your own way. You have a depth of character, persistence and a profound desire for the truth. You already know yourself well.

Trust yourself, love yourself. You have everything inside of you that you will ever need. And know that I am here, always, loving and trusting you, shining a light on you as you grow, stretch and run wildly and beautifully through life. I am so proud of you.

 

RELATED STORIES

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7 Powerful Things My Daughter Needs to Know Before Middle School

Krissy Dieruf is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children, loves to sing and dance around the house and has a soft spot for rebels and crazy hair. 

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Holy Guacamole, This New PJ Line From Gerber Childrenswear Is Adorable

by Sarah Shebek

If you have a little foodie in your life, or you’re just on the hunt for cute and affordable PJs, you’ll love this new line from Gerber Childrenswear! The Lil’ Chef Collection launched today and features adorable prints in onesies and pajamas, including avocados and donuts.

To celebrate your baby’s love of breakfast, grab a Sleep N’ Play in the bacon, eggs and toast print, or a three pack of onesies that includes a special carton of milk design! Or for the kiddo with the sweet tooth, snap up the donut print—we especially love the “Donut Disturb” toddler PJs.

When snacktime is the best time, reach for two more fun patterns, the avocados or bananas. They come in gender neutral colors and variety packs, with a onesie that features a smiling tortilla chip.

The best part is the price. Individual Sleep N’ Play pajamas are just $10.99 and the most expensive item, the four piece PJ set, is only $22.99. All are certified with STANDARD 100 by OEKO-TEX® and with sizes ranging up to 5T, you can buy a few different pieces to keep up with a growth spurt.

We don’t blame you if you can’t stop snapping pics of your kids in this new collection. Just donut forget to make breakfast!

––Sarah Shebek

Featured image courtesy of Gerber Childrenswear

 

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You Never Knew You Needed a Brick Sneaker Until Now, Thanks to LEGO

by Sarah Shebek

If your family has a passion for sneakers and LEGOs, the following news will make your day. The LEGO Group just announced two exciting drops that combine the best of both worlds: an actual sneaker that’s emulates the look of LEGO bricks and a brick sneaker that you can build and display proudly with the rest of your collection.

First up, the adidas Originals LEGO Superstar sneaker. It will be available in both kid and adult sizes and will likely make people do a double take when it’s on your feet. Purposefully styled to mirror the LEGO brick pattern, it also features the classic adidas black and white leather and three stripes. Don’t forget the gold foil accents! You can buy it as part of the adidas x LEGO collection on July 1.

Want to take it as step further? You’ll also be able to buy a set to make your own adidas shoe out of bricks! The LEGO adidas Originals Superstar 10282 model is life-sized and features the iconic sneaker graphics and branding. It includes 17 extra elements so you can decide if your brick footwear is right or left-footed. It even comes with shoelaces and an authentic shoe box, so we don’t blame you if you try to slip it on. You can find this model exclusively online starting July 1 for $80.

LEGO also has some great ideas for customizing your brick sneaker (spoiler alert, many bricks you own currently can be added on). The company is constantly innovating and we can’t wait to see what comes out next!

—Sarah Shebek

Images courtesy of the LEGO Group

 

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Advice for Harry & Meghan & All Families Introducing a New Sibling

By Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen

Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor will soon be a big brother to Baby Girl Sussex. And you can bet this is an exciting time for Prince Harry and Dutchess Meghan as well as the new big brother. But the journey to bringing home a new baby can also be a time of anxious change as families introduce the first child to their new family member. Kelly Oriard, licensed family therapist and co-founder of Slumberkins, shares her advice for Harry and Meghan and all families navigating this big change.

1. Do the Prep Work
Well before the baby is born, begin talking about when the baby is coming, what it will be like, and what the big sibling’s role will be once the baby arrives.

2. Be Honest
Don’t just say, “It will be awesome having a sibling!” While at times it will be awesome, it can also be super hard for older siblings. Remember even toddlers without many words need to hear, “The baby may cry—and that may be hard to hear” or “Sometimes Daddy and Mommy will need to help the baby and you may have to practice waiting.” Honesty will help set realistic expectations.

3. Celebrate the Big Sibling Role
Make sure to celebrate that they get to be the big sibling now. Hooray! But don’t forget to remind them that they can still be your little baby too. Growing up doesn’t mean fewer snuggles, love or attention. Just some cool perks too.

4. Don’t Blame the Baby
Kelly shares, “The very best advice I have is don’t blame the baby for things once the baby comes.” Don’t say, “We have to leave the park for the baby’s nap time.” Kelly points out that this sets up an easy target for frustration. Instead say, “It’s time for our family to leave the park now.”

5. Teach Safety
Remember that your toddler is still learning impulse control and doesn’t yet understand how to be gentle with a baby. Try not to yell or get frustrated if your toddler shows typical toddler behaviors (hitting or aggression). Instead, remember that a caregiver’s role can be to teach and help practice.

6. Welcome All Feelings
This is an important tip as acting out when a new sibling arrives is normal. Make space for all emotions while stopping unsafe behaviors.

7. Make One-on-One Time for You & Your Older Child
They will need this. Period.

8. Support Bonding Between the Siblings
Making reflections like, “Wow, look at how the baby is looking at you, I can tell they really like the way you are holding them” or “That was so kind the way you noticed the baby was cold, thanks for bringing a blanket.” Narrating the connection that you notice between your children and stating it can help them really feel love and connection to and from their new sibling.

Following these tips and tricks can help to ease the growing pains families feel when introducing new siblings. Remember that even good change can come with some anxiety and stress. Doing some prep work to prepare your little one can help your family have a smoother transition. Slumberkins also has many great resources to help siblings of all ages develop positive ways to cope with their big emotions. It’s a great time to practice emotion identification or introduce your little one to Alpaca who models stress-relief or Fox who provides comfort during times of change.

Related Stories:

8 Books to Help Your Kid Prepare for New Sibling

Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen are co-founders of Slumberkins, a children's brand supporting social-emotional learning for children. Kelly has a dual master's degree in family therapy and school counseling, and Callie has a master's degree in teaching. Both are passionate about teaching children social-emotional skills to thrive in our modern world. 

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Helping Kids Understand the Difference between Tattling vs. Reporting

By Jessica Speer

Photo: Canva

There’s a difference between tattling and reporting. When kids understand the difference, they are more likely to report unsafe situations and real trouble.

Definitions: Snitching & Tattling vs. Reporting

Snitching or Tattling: Telling on someone to get that person in trouble.

Reporting: Telling a trusted adult to get help. Focused on keeping yourself and others safe.

The Difference Between Tattling & Reporting

In early elementary school, snitching or tattling is common as kids learn to navigate rules and social dynamics. In these situations, the “snitcher” is usually trying to get someone in trouble, control another, or avoid blame. Often, no one is in danger of being physically hurt, and the situation could be solved without adult intervention with some conflict resolution skills.

By middle school, snitching has become socially unacceptable. Because of this stigma, older students may be afraid to report real trouble. Fear of being seen as a snitch peaks just as dangerous and inappropriate behaviors (bullying, sexual harassment, and threats of violence) are on the rise.

When Kids Understand the Difference, Schools are Safer

When kids understand the difference between snitching and reporting it helps them feel safe to report. This requires regular discussions at home and at school about what types of situations need to be reported. It’s also important to have a safe, confidential way for students to share, like Safe2Tell.org. This service allows students, families, and community members to report concerns or threats anonymously.

In today’s world, all of us need to look out for each other. These efforts go a long way in helping our kids feel safe as well.

This post originally appeared on JessicaSpeer.com

Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences.    

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Blaming versus Giving the Benefit of the Doubt

By Jessica Speer

Does this sound familiar? Your child comes home upset and reports that their friend did or said something mean. After hearing the story, you are convinced that indeed there was malicious intent, and the friend is to blame. A few days later, your child’s friendship returns to normal. But you are still stewing and have a hard time seeing your child’s friend in a positive light.

In social situations like these, our minds generate a variety of explanations for the behavior of others. Some of these explanations give someone the benefit of the doubt. Others assign blame, judge, and even attack their character. In the situation described above, we only heard one perspective, yet we assigned blame and assumed the friend’s bad intention.

This sort of thing happens all the time. Humans tend to jump to conclusions so we can make better sense of our world. Psychologists refer to this as our “attribution st‌yle.” Some people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt (benign attribution style), while other people tend to blame and assume bad intent (hostile attribution st‌yle).

Which attribution st‌yle has more positive relationships and overall happiness? (The tendency to blame or the tendency to give others the benefit of the doubt?)

Studies show that people with a benign attribution st‌yle, or the tendency to see the good in others, lead happier lives and experience more positive relationships.

So what does this have to do with parenting?

Our attribution st‌yle is not set in stone. If we tend to have a hostile attribution st‌yle, we can change the way we think. This effort will positively impact our kids as they see us giving them and others the benefit of the doubt before jumping to negative conclusions.

As parents, it’s important to help our kids navigate difficult emotions and situations. In these instances, we can make sure our kids feel heard and validate their feelings. Then, we can help them see the bigger picture. Maybe their friend is having a difficult time, maybe the behavior was not intentional, and that there is likely more to the story. 

When we emerge from the COVID-19 pandemic, life will no doubt be challenging. People are dealing with unprecedented changes in their lives, such as the loss of jobs, loved ones, routine, and connection with others. Life is steeped in uncertainty and fear. Now is a perfect time to practice a benign attribution st‌yle. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Avoid assumptions. Focus on the good. The world needs this right now, and so do our kids.

This post originally appeared on www.JessicaSpeer.com.

Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences.    

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5 Ways to Support Your Little Perfectionist

By Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen

Do you know that voice inside your head that says you “messed up,” or you “aren’t good enough?” Maybe it says other not-so-kind things, too. Most of us are familiar with the experience of having a voice inside that can be hard on us—this can be called “our inner critic.”

Adults and children alike can experience an internal battle with our inner critic. Sometimes our inner critics can get very loud, leading to feelings of anxiety, guilt or shame. Most of us don’t love feeling guilt or shame so we find strategies to avoid these feelings. One of these strategies is perfectionism. Perfectionism is when parts of us want things to be just right in order to avoid some type of negative outcome. Sometimes what we are trying to avoid is internal self-blame, other times it’s criticism or blame from others. Still, other times it’s because we are trying to avoid the disappointment of things not going as we had planned.

Perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand. As we work to be perfect in an “imperfect” world, we are bound to hit some challenges along the way. Here are some signs of perfectionism:

  • Feeling badly about something unless over 100% effort is given

  • Difficulty starting tasks

  • Procrastination

  • Avoiding situations that could end in failure

  • Being highly critical of one’s self

  • Difficulty coping with making mistakes

  • Struggling with shame/embarrassment

  • Struggling with self-doubt

  • Struggling with appearing vulnerable

  • Focusing strongly on outcomes or end-results

The signs above can apply to both children and adults. Do you see any that you recognize? Sometimes it can be hard to pick up on perfectionistic tendencies in young children. Younger children may show perfectionism less verbally, and more in how they behave in certain situations. For instance:

  • Having frequent meltdowns when they make a mistake

  • Expressing embarrassment or shame when they get hurt

  • Working hard to avoid disappointing others

  • Struggling with making choices

  • Avoiding trying new things or starting tasks

  • Constantly asking for adult help for tasks they are able to do themselves.

To be clear these signs need to be taken into context as there are other reasons children may show these behaviors, but it can be helpful to begin to notice what is triggering to each child. If it seems like it may be along with the themes of “making mistakes” or having things be “just so,” perfectionism may be what you are seeing. If we notice these things early, we can start to support children to learn self-acceptance.

So what can you do if you notice a child struggling with perfectionism or their own inner-critic? Moving towards self-acceptance can help find ways of welcoming all parts of us, just the way they are. Try some of these ideas for supporting self-acceptance at home:

Here are some ideas for supporting perfectionist kiddos at home:

1. Celebrate strengths. Even perfectionism has its positive sides. Make sure your child understands that you appreciate them just the way they are.

2. Model positive self-talk. When you make a mistake, watch what you say to yourself. Model for your child how to be kind to yourself even when you mess up.

3. Welcome all feelings. When we welcome anger, sadness, happiness and everything in between we send the message that being human is okay! Sometimes we aren’t at our best or say things in anger, and we can work through those things.

4. Teach Repair. Sometimes shame and self-criticism can be strong for children because they don’t know “how to make it right.” Let your children know that there is always something we can try to do to make it right.

5. Try open-ended games and art. Try offering games, activities, and opportunities that don’t just have one right answer. This openness can take the pressure off and allow for more creativity, joy and relaxation throughout the day.

For even more support in tackling perfectionism, introduce Yak, a new Slumberkins creature whose story teaches the concepts of self-acceptance, perfectionism and perseverance by reminding little ones that they are enough, just as they are. Reading Yak’s book with your little one and practicing the self-acceptance affirmation can help your child take risks and understand that it’s okay to not be perfect at something the first time they try it.

This post originally appeared on www.slumberkins.com.
Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen are co-founders of Slumberkins, a children's brand supporting social-emotional learning for children. Kelly has a dual master's degree in family therapy and school counseling, and Callie has a master's degree in teaching. Both are passionate about teaching children social-emotional skills to thrive in our modern world. 

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I’m Just a Mom, Doing Her Best

By Samira Soto

If you see me out in public you might think I’m the mom who has it all together, or the mom that’s a hot mess. There is no in-between.

Outing’s with my son look like watching two people play on a teeter-totter. Sometimes we’re high, other times were low.

My son Kanen will be 3 next month. He loves scripting scenes from Toy Story and lining up his favorite Disney cars. He also has severe autism.

Kanen has always been difficult to please since he was a baby. I always say he’s a “my way or the highway” kinda kid. His determination and perseverance are inspiring. But it also can be very exhausting at times.

Lately going out with him in the community is becoming more difficult. And it’s to no one’s fault. But mainly I think I’m surrounded by a community whose lives are rarely touched by autism.

If you don’t know it, live it, or have been exposed to it, meltdowns or sensory overloads might look like an epic tantrum to some people.

And if we’re being honest, I would’ve thought the same before I had my son. I would’ve been the mom that gazed or starred. I would’ve been the mom that quietly whispered to her partner “I would never let our children act like that.” I would’ve been the mom who did not understand autism.

So I don’t blame them when they do.

But for a while, the stares, and whispers really got to me. A lot of the time, they still do. They sting.

You see the thing about autism there is no one look fits all. It’s a neurological disorder. On the outside, my son looks like a charming little man, but on the inside, he struggles to function with the real world.

In a flash, autism will come storming through like an angry bull running the streets of Spain. There is no stopping it.

Right now Kanen looks like a bratty toddler during outbursts. And well me? I’m just “too patient of a mom” which is what I’ve been told many times before. I always laugh a little whenever I hear that.

I’m a mom who has to wear sneakers over booties, and lightweight clothing over fun accessories because I am constantly chasing him around. I’m a mom who has to give up her Louis Vuitton diaper bag for a crossbody bag because having little to nothing on me is crucial at the moment I need to carry him like a sack of potatoes. I’m a mom who’s learning to say no to outings that might require too many transitions for my son, even if that means missing out on family events.

I am a special needs mom.

If you see me out in public don’t think I’m the mom who has it all together, or the mom that’s a hot mess. I’m simply the mom doing her best.

Samira is a 25 year old single mom to a 2 year old son Kanen Arley. Her son Kanen was diagnosed with severe non-verbal autism in September of 2020, which inspired her to start sharing their journey through My Charming Arley on Facebook and Samirasstella on Instagram.

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Understanding Miscarriages: 7 Questions Answered by a Doctor

By Dr. Alan Lindemann

Miscarriage is quite common, yet regardless of that simple truth, it remains a challenging and emotionally complex experience for women to navigate. It is often something women deal with privately with their partner, but fortunately some women in the public spotlight have begun to share their experiences more openly.

Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, recently opened up about her miscarriage last summer, paving the way for women everywhere to connect and feel less alone. She and Prince Harry also announced that they are expecting another child (a baby girl)—a great reminder that pregnancy is very possible after miscarriage.

Whether you are dealing with loss due to a miscarriage yourself, acting as a support person to someone who has experienced this loss, or simply wanting to educate yourself about this all-too-common occurrence, here is a Q&A to help you through this process.

Miscarriage: 7 Questions and Answers

1. What is a miscarriage? Miscarriage is defined as a pregnancy loss prior to 20 weeks. If the pregnancy lasts beyond 20 weeks but is unsuccessful, it is termed stillbirth.

2. Am I to blame for my baby’s death? Miscarriage is traumatic for all pregnant women and their partners. If you have had, are having, or will have a miscarriage, remember this: Miscarriage is NOT your fault.

Inherent in miscarriage is the experience of death, and often feelings of failure as well. This death is very real, and it is normal for women and partners to experience the five stages of grieving and guilt (described in Elizabeth Keebler Ross’s landmark research in “On Death and Dying”):

  • Denial (It didn’t happen.)
  • Anger (Why is this happening to me?)
  • Bargaining (Oh, please God, I’ll do anything to have a successful pregnancy.)
  • Depression (I must have done something wrong.)
  • Acceptance (I have to get on with life one way or another.)

Allowing yourself and your partner to go through this grieving process is the most important part of a miscarriage.

3. How soon can I get pregnant again after a miscarriage? I always suggest waiting for at least one regular period before getting pregnant again. It can then be determined with more accuracy when you are due. In addition, having a normal period signals your body is done with the miscarriage process.

4. Who is likely to miscarry? Anyone can miscarry. The most often quoted numbers say 10-to-20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. When the miscarriage rate includes those fetuses lost before the missing of a period, the high-end rate increases up to 40 percent.

5. How do I tell a period from a miscarriage? There is cramping with miscarriage, often like a period, but sometimes more severe. Most of the time, bleeding will be heavier than a period, but seldom requiring a blood transfusion. 

6. What if my doctor can’t hear a heartbeat? With a Doppler, I can hear a heartbeat at about 11 or 12 weeks. It is easier to see the heartbeat with an ultrasound at seven to eight weeks. If I can’t see the heartbeat at seven or eight weeks, out of reverence and concern for the fetus, I recheck in one week. If I can’t hear a heartbeat, most women prefer to wait for a spontaneous miscarriage which usually follows after one or two weeks. If one or two weeks go by without a miscarriage, I recommended misoprostol (Cytotec) by mouth.

While it is possible to use misoprostol without waiting the two weeks for a spontaneous miscarriage, it would not be my first choice because aggressive treatment can interfere with the grieving process. I prefer to allow a wide margin around guilt, blame, and shame.

7. What happens when someone has repeated miscarriages? Miscarriage, before there is a beating heart, is common, and is usually a chromosomal mutation. These are not preventable. However, once the heart is beating, several conditions can lead to a miscarriage. Many of these repeated miscarriages are preventable. If you have had more than two miscarriages, it’s time to look at the list of treatable conditions that are known to contribute to miscarriage in some women (i.e., Strep B or methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase—MTFHR).

The keys here are remembering that you are not alone in experiencing miscarriage, and that is normal and healthy to grieve your loss. In cases where repeated miscarriage occurs, your doctor may be able to help you isolate the condition that is causing it so you can go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

Dr. Alan Lindemann
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

An obstetrician and maternal mortality expert, “Rural Doc” Alan Lindemann, M.D. teaches women and families how to create the outcomes they want for their own health and pregnancy. In nearly 40 years of practice, he has delivered around 6,000 babies and achieved a maternal mortality rate of zero! Visit LindemannMD.com

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