Does your kid go on and on (and on)? A behavior analyst and parent coach has some suggestions
When you have a bubbly, chatty kid, it can be a lot of fun. But what happens when your son or daughter is a little too talkative? A child who interrupts and talks over people can quickly frustrate other family members—and friends and guests. So how do you handle it? Well, thanks to this video from a child behavior analyst and parent coach on Instagram, we’ve got some good ideas.
“When we’re at the dinner table, my daughter will just go on and on and on,” analyst and coach Mandy Grass says in her video. “She’ll interrupt her sister, she’ll interrupt her parents—she just can’t read that cue that it’s somebody else’s turn to talk.”
She continues, “Has this been your house? It’s definitely been mine sometimes too. Let’s talk about how to address that.”
Grass, who explains that her daughter has ADHD and “can get really stuck on a topic and just keep going,” has four easy strategies you can use—and we’ll be putting these into practice ASAP.
1. Designate a future time to talk more
Grass’s first tip is to give your kid a designated time to talk about the thing they want to talk about. Her example is to say something like, “Hey, we’re at the dinner table right now. Let’s give somebody else a turn. I can’t wait to hear about the new book you’re reading—you and I can talk about it for 15 minutes before bed.”
2. Use video modeling
Grass goes on to explain that sometimes kids aren’t even aware of what it looks like when they’re dominating the conversation. To combat this, she recommends taking a video to share with them. Then, she says, you can point out their behaviors: “Oh, did you notice you interrupted eight times?” or “Hey, you talked for seven minutes, and your sister and I only got to talk for two.” This one might not work with all kids, however; there are definitely those who would respond with, “Well, I am making some very good points; everyone should listen to me.”
3. Use an example: “What clues can we look for?”
If that doesn’t do the trick, another way to help kids raise awareness is to help them look for clues, Grass says.
“You know when Grampy is lecturing about something for a really long time, and he’s going on and on?” she says. “She’s like, ‘Ugh! That’s the worst!’ I’m like, ‘Sometimes you can do that, too. So what are some clues that we can look for?'” Maybe people have stopped making eye contact or their body language says they’re not actively engaged. Grass also encourages her daughter to check in with people and simply ask if they still want to talk about a particular topic.
4. Use a non-verbal code
The last tip is to establish a non-verbal code to help your child recognize when people are done with a conversation. This can be as simple as using your index finger in a ciruclar motion to indicate “let’s wrap it up!” It could also be a simple tap on the lap if you happen to be seated next to one another at a table.
“Try some of these in your home,” Grass says. “See how it goes.” With these tips, conversations are all but guaranteed to flow more smoothly, even with the most talkative kid.
It may feel a bit forced at first, but once you build the habit it can be a relationship game-changer
It’s sadly common to feel disconnected from the people we rely on most. Between endless to-do lists and shuttling kids and jobs, you and your partner can easily turn into ships passing in the night. Relationships require work, and sometimes putting in the time (what time? Who has time?) can seem overwhelming.
But what if just a few minutes could make a big difference? Psychologist Dr. John Gottman has spent more than 50 years studying marital stability and divorce prediction. His research revealed that one of the top reasons relationships end is contempt, or criticism with a strong undercurrent of superiority. In everyday interactions, this can take the form of cruel humor and sarcasm, name-calling, or negative body language, like eye-rolling and snickering. It conveys disgust and resentment (sometimes thinly veiled; other times, in a very direct fashion) and tends to snowball, leading to more and more toxic exchanges. To combat contempt, Gottman explains, partners need to share gratitude for each other.
“Giving appreciation is one of the most powerful ways to connect with those around us,” says Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman—fellow clinical psychologist and—checks notes—John’s wife (it makes sense that relationship experts would be in this together). “After all, we love to hear good things about ourselves and to be seen for the good we do in the world. Appreciation draws us closer to those who appreciate us, and in turn, when we give appreciation, we draw ourselves closer to those we love. It’s caring for ourselves by being loving.”
To get in the habit of sharing gratitude, Gottman developed an easy game that partners can play in just three minutes: Gratitude Tennis. Silicon Valley entrepreneur Matt Schnuck recently went viral on X for his explanation of the praise-based challenge:
Rules:
1. Player one serves up something they are grateful for.
2. Player 2 must “return” the gratitude with something they are grateful for.
3. Repeat “serving” gratitudes back to all the players until the 3-min timer goes off. pic.twitter.com/939GLA7wMi
Player 1 starts by sharing something they are grateful for.
The turn passes to player 2 who shares something they are grateful for.
Play continues back and forth until the time runs out.
The idea is that when you share something about your partner that you are grateful for, you are building them up, recognizing their strengths, and acknowledging what they contribute to your relationship. Gratitude Tennis may feel a bit forced, but the goal is to get you into the habit of acknowledging gratitude for your partner so that it becomes part of your everyday life.
While this game is designed with romantic couples in mind, we can see it being something that could be done with the whole family, by going around the dinner table and sharing something about each person for which you’re super thankful.
Studies have shown that gratitude enhances dopamine and serotonin, the neurotransmitters responsible for happiness. It’s also especially important to focus on gratitude around the holidays when consumerism (and the dreadful haves/have-nots) can take over. If you’re looking for a few simple ways to teach kids gratitude, you can:
As always, it’s the little things that add up to monumental change. Whether it’s serving praise to your partner or introducing a new family-wide tradition, three minutes—or a simple act of kindness—can go a long way.
For every parent who’s ever had the urge to join in when you drop your kid off at an activity, now’s your chance. Learn and bond as a family, whether you’re practicing kicks at a karate class or painting a masterpiece at an art class. So if you’re looking for a refresh on things to do and learn in Seattle, check out these family-friendly, parent and child classes to take up this year. They’re accommodating to your time, your kiddo’s attention span and your budget. Let’s get learning!
Practice Black Belt Focus
photo library
If martial arts and black belt focus run in your family, then classes at Queen Anne’s Family Black Belt Academy are for you. Training under a 6th degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do, parents and children in FBBA not only get to train alongside each other in classes, parents play a huge role in helping their children level up at home too. Children earn their white belt by having “black belt focus” at home. That's where they earn marks from moms and dads for completing tasks or following directions with “black belt focus.” It helps children learn to pause gaming, screen time and other activities in a rewarding and motivating way (bye bye, power struggles). The recommended class frequency is two times per week, and classes are open to all skill levels, including beginner.
Good to know: Try a free week of classes when you sign up, and save 20% on an annual payment.
Age: 5 & up Cost: Starting at $250/one child
Family Black Belt Academy 60 Etruria St., # 350 Seattle, WA 98109 206-280-9508 Online:familyblackbeltacademy.com
Seattle Glassblowing Studio is the place to go if creating art and one-of-a-kind (OOAK) pieces to fill your home is what you're after. Families can create glass art that is casted, pressed or blown. For younger children with shorter attention spans, creating cast pieces takes about an hour, and families can create one or two works in this session. For children 11 years or older, glass blown pieces have been a hit, with classes taking about 3 hours to make three to five pieces. Classes are open to all skill levels, and small and large group classes are available for up to 30 people (hello, birthday party!).
Insider tip: Glass pieces can also be made within 15-30 minutes, if families choose to bypass the class or add more pieces to their haul.
Ages: 5 & up Cost: $125-$395
Seattle Glass Blowing Studio 2227 5th Ave. Seattle WA 98121 206-448-2181 Online:seattleglassblowing.com
Free Family Day is returning to The Bellevue Arts Museum (BAM), and we can't wait! It’s a perfect event for budding STEM-minded kids. BAM’s current exhibition will inspire activities related to architecture at the next Free Family Day. This includes 3D printing, building environments and more in the four-hour workshop. Children as young as 4 years old can take part of the event and the whole family is encouraged to join in. Please remember that space is limited and COVID precautions are a top priority at the Museum.
Insider tip: You’ll want to sign up soon for this popular program families have been missing. Registration opened on February 24.
We’ve all seen Mommy & Me clothing, but have you heard of Mommy & Me painting? Painting with a Twist is a super family-friendly studio located across the street from the Auburn Outlet Collection. Families can book classes geared toward creating art with their kids, like the Mommy & Me Unicorn class (pictured), where parents and children each paint one half a larger image. You and the kids can choose classes to create specific paintings, based on skill level and the size of canvas. It’s easy to find that picture perfect class when you filter by “Family Day” on the website when you book.
Good to know: The studio is open to birthday parties, baby showers and other celebrations for the whole family.
Ages: All Cost: Starting at $29/person
Painting with a Twist 920 15th St. S.W. Auburn, WA 98001 253-735-0308 Online:paintingwithatwist.com
Test your rock climbing skills as a family at Edgeworks Climbing + Fitness in Seattle (hint: they have locations in Bellevue and Tacoma, too). Private lessons at Edgeworks allow families to learn together with an instructor to gain basic techniques in rock climbing. While there is no set age range for children to learn with parents, tots must fit into a harness to take the class. Once basic skills are met, families can enjoy Pro Belay sessions, where staff handle the ropes while parents and kids focus on their climbing course (psst...have your kids race you to the top). Private intermediate and advance courses for repelling and rescue are also available for families looking to master their skills together.
Ages: Any (kids must fit into harnesses) Cost: $90/hr.
Edgeworks Climbing + Fitness Seattle 2839 N.W. Market St. Seattle, WA 98107 206-781-9828 Online:edgeworksclimbing.com
Renton's Body Language Studio launched their Kid 'N Play Saturday sessions for breaking enthusiasts. Grown up b-boys and b-girls with their own Littles now have an outlet to share their love for hip-hop in this four-week session with Seattle's Massive Monkee's Jeromeskee. The interactive hip-hop and breaking class is open to any skill level, and parents, caregivers or grandparents are invited to join in the fun (one adult and child per class, please). Registration is open and space is extremely limited, so you'll want to register as soon as possible to secure your spot. The first class is on March 5. Classes full? Check in for drop-in availability each weekend, or wait for open registration of summer sessions that begin in March as well.
Secret class alert! The Sprouting Image is known for teaching kids to use real professional cameras to up their photography skills. But they also offer classes for parents and kids to snap great pics together. Register to learn all about composition, aperture and what all the buttons on your camera do (hint: they focus on major camera brands like Nikon, Canon and Sony). Classes are 1.5 hours with two parents and one child, and they take place at an agreed upon location, like the Botanical Garden in Bellevue, a local park or even in the comfort of your back yard. Hello, easy activity! Real professional cameras will be provided for families to use. At the end, photography lesson guides and a gallery image from the day’s shoot (from all cameras) will be sent. It’s a great way to get outside and snap memories together.
Lowe's popular in-person workshops for families are back. They provide monthly DIY Kids’ workshops for the next generation of builders. The workshops run 15-30 minutes and include a kit to assemble with a parent. Don't worry, they're also led by an expert instructor who's there to answer questions and help guide you and your little builders through the project. Workshops are open to all skill levels, and although registration isn't required, it is recommended. The best part? Workshops are free and happen monthly on second Saturdays, so if you can't make it in March, April is just around the corner.
Insider tip: During the March workshop, kids will get to build a tabletop game.
Locations in North Seattle, Rainier Valley, Renton & Tukwila. Online:lowes.com
Classes That Are in the Works
Whip Up Something Good
courtesy PCC
Mark your calendars for May 2022, because that's when PCC will be adding their parent/child classes into the mix. PCC Kitchen has a great track record with their kid's cooking classes that feature talented cooks and healthy recipes. Expect the same attention to detail and commitment to cooking and baking from scratch with this new batch of classes. While most current kid’s cooking classes are for ages 8 and up, family classes will include the tiniest of tots, at 5 years old. Keep an eye out for registration to open, as spaces will be limited.
Ages: 5 & up Cost: $95/Parent & kid team
Various locations around Seattle and the Eastside.
Also set for May is Body Language Dance Studio's first Keiki-Parent Hula Classes. Scheduled to debut around Mother's Day, these hula classes are created for families to learn along side each other, with a nod to mom and child (though dads are invited to join in as well). Keep an eye out for registration on their website, or try their parent-kid breaking classes to see what this creative dance studio is all about. We're happy to report, no experience is necessary at this one; all skill levels are welcome.
Ages: 4-10 Cost: TBD
Body Language Dance Studio 3155 N.E. Sunset Blvd.,Suite B Renton, WA 98056 425-255-1277 Online: cornerstonestudio.com
Covid considerations: Currently, all classes require masks and social distancing according to King County health and safety guidelines. There are few specific classes that will require adults and children 12 and up to show proof of vaccination to participate.
Each word you speak to your child programs their concept of reality. Sounds, just like words, have meaning woven through them. Every word or sound is infused with your thoughts and intentions conveyed through the tone, cadence and through the subtle non-verbal cues accompanying it.
Parenting Cornerstones
From the very beginning, set an intention to talk to your child with conscious awareness. What do you want to be the cornerstones of your child’s reality? Love? Peace? Harmony? Joy? Security? Safety? Bliss? Happiness? Balance? Abundance? Nurturance? Empowerment? Compassion? Give this some thought and list your top three to five parenting cornerstones on a piece of paper to be posted in several places in your home where you will frequently see them.
Remember these buzz-words when you talk with your children; whatever age they may be. A newborn that is spoken to with intention and love hears this in your voice and senses your intention as extrasensory input. The preschooler feels your inner smile and love and senses that you are one hundred percent present with them if even for a few minutes. The school-age child notices how your eyes and body language tell a story and models their behavior after yours and thereby becomes a proficient communicator. The preteen appreciates your attention and affection as they begin the journey of forming their own identity. The high school age young adult/child knows on a deeper level that you are a steady pillar nearby in case they falter providing them with consistent messages of life’s most precious cornerstones.
You are empowered to use your words and communication skills to teach your child. Through this conscious choice, you model the deeper concept that each person creates their reality. In doing this for your child you will find yourself transforming as well. You too will become an aware, empowered communicator and will draw to you more of the same. Words can be a path to conscious living.
Empathy & Compassion
To teach children compassion, invite them to treat others as they want to be treated. Speak this aloud to your child in a variety of ways: Smile at others the way you’d like to be smiled at. Say words to others that you would like to hear. Do things to help others the way you would like to be helped. Provide examples of this in daily life, like “Pat that doggy gently the way you would like to be patted if you were him.”
Say it and live it. Invite children to be empathetic by modeling compassion for others. Lots of times having children in our lives teaches us to live better, more mindful lives. Allow your child or children’s presence to inspire you to be more peaceful, compassionate, and conscious. Choose to empower yourself and live a life of honor and peace.
Conscious Parenting
Remember children live what they learn. You are an inspiration to your child and everyone you meet. Raising a child is always an immense learning opportunity for the adults in the child’s life. To embrace this and be truly present to it is the embodiment of conscious parenting.
By choosing to parent with presence and consciousness you are providing an opportunity for your child to learn to be a conscious individual. You are providing a framework for healthy, ecologically responsible, spiritually connected living. You are the model, and one day your child may become the model for you.
Enjoy this journey. It is an expression of beauty; sometimes poignant, often joyful, frequently challenging and it is totally unique. You, your child and all life are soul essence. You are spiritual beings and spiritual beings learn from each other. Watch your child, learn and grow and watch your own life transform as you walk a conscious path together towards ever-expanding awareness.
Amy Leigh Mercree is a holistic health expert, medical intuitive and best selling author of 11 books including, A Little Bit of Mindfulness: An Introduction To Being Present and The Mood Book to name a few. Mercree teaches internationally sharing Next Level Healing, Meet Your Guides, Mindfulness Meditation, and Bestseller Bootcamp classes.
As parents, we often jump in and speak for our children. We do this because we mean well and want to protect them. And so, we step in and handle things for them in a lot of little ways every day. This doesn’t do kids any favors. In fact, it could be holding them back.
Parents think they’re doing the right thing by sweeping in and taking charge, but in truth, we are robbing them by rescuing them. Each time we helicopter, solve their problems and speak up in their place, we take away some of our children’s power to figure things out on their own. We’re doing this in part to calm our own nervousness and worries about wanting them to succeed, but in the end, it prevents our children from gaining confidence and learning to stand up for themselves.
Overprotection is a toxic recipe for curiosity and thriving. It increases kids’ fragility, dependence, stress, and risk aversion, reduces resilience, kills creativity, and expands emptiness. “Agency” is a strong commonality of thrivers.
Further, if you’re always speaking for your kids, they will grow to depend on you and will not develop the self-confidence they need. (And this is one of the reasons so many kids today are struggling to cope with life’s curveballs). But when you get out of their way, kids don’t have to turn to you for every problem. They develop an awareness of their own strength and can say “I got this” (and really mean it). In other words, they become Thrivers.
Thrivers is my term for mentally tough children that have a sense of control over their lives and flourish in a rapidly changing world. They find their own voice and learn to say, “I got this” when they face challenges, and they have developed the seven essential character strengths that build resilience. (You can read more about Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine).
A Few Tips to Help Your Kids Start Speaking Up:
Start noticing when you’re doing all the talking. Yes, you may mean well, but this prevents your child from thinking for himself or herself. You may be even more likely to “rescue” your child if he or she is shy. When kids are quiet, shy, or appear to be stymied, it can feel natural to jump right in and speak for them. Resist this urge and soon your child will realize that you expect them to come up with their own responses, even if it takes a while.
Make your child start speaking for himself or herself. Practice stepping back and waiting patiently for your child to answer when someone asks them a question, or while they figure out a solution to a problem they are presented with. Give them plenty of time to warm up and allow them the time and space to come through with their response. Take this approach even for little things—it’s the simple everyday experiences that will add up and teach them to manage their own voice.
Give them opportunities to speak out at home. Kids need practice in finding their voice and developing opinions so they can confidently voice their views. The Three A’s can help your child develop strong reasoning and ethical assertiveness:
Allow disagreement. The best place for kids to learn to speak up is at home, so hold family meetings to address anything from family concerns (allowances, chores) to world issues (poverty, bullying). Set clear rules: Everyone gets a turn and has equal airtime. Listen to each person’s full idea. No put-downs allowed. Encourage your child to express opinions and when disagreements come up, help them offer a strong “why.”
Ask questions. Use prompts to help kids think about moral issues and defend their views. Such as: Who do you admire? List three of that person’s admirable qualities. Or: Describe an incident or event from which you learned a lesson the hard way.
Assert your beliefs. Kids need our permission to speak up and recognize that we expect them to do the right thing. And we must teach kids that having integrity isn’t easy, standing up for moral beliefs is hard, and peer pressure is intense. Practice together until they can do so without guidance.
Get them comfortable with taking risks. Support your child by giving them permission to stray off course. Let them know they can be passionate about their original ideas and willing to defend them, even if it means deviating from the norm. Further, encourage them to stretch their comfort zones by encouraging them to take a few low risks: “Write down your thought first so you have the courage to share it with the class.” “Tell your teacher your thought after class.”
Come up with a script and practice it until they are comfortable speaking for themselves. Sooner or later your child will need to talk one-on-one with a coach, a teacher, or a peer. This is a good time to help them plan what they would like to say and practice it ahead of time. Remind them, “Hey, you’ve got this. Let’s practice what you want to say together. Or, you can rehearse it in front of a mirror until you can do it on your own.”
Show them how to stand up for themselves. Emphasize that while you can’t control what another person says or does, you can control how you respond. So help your child learn to self-advocate by using the strategy CALM:
C: Chill. There are two quick ways to appear calmer and more confident: 1. Uncross your legs and arms; 2. Make your voice sound not too soft (meek) or harsh (angry).
A: Assert. Brainstorm a few assertive lines that your child can say in difficult situations like, “Not cool.” “Cut it out.” “I don’t want to!” Firm, short statements work best.
L: Look strong. Kids are taken less seriously if they look vulnerable so teach these assertive body language senders: Hold your head high and look eye to eye, pull your shoulders back, keep your arms at your sides, and keep your feet placed firmly on the ground.
M: Mean it. Help your child practice assertive voice tone: It should be strong and firm, but not yelling or angry.
If you always defend your child, they won’t develop inner confidence and will rely on you. From this moment on, step back and help your child learn to speak for themself.
Make them practice every day. As a rule, encourage your kids to speak for themselves in age-appropriate ways every day. Coach younger children to raise their hand at least once a day to answer a question in class and to place their own food orders at restaurants. Older kids can call to schedule their own doctor appointments or apply for summer jobs without your supervision.
Remind them (and yourself) that it’s okay if they struggle. Explain to your child that setbacks and mistakes are okay. If they mess up, encourage them to try again. Ultimately, these setbacks will help your child take a big step forward. And remember that as a parent, watching the struggle may be very difficult for you as well. Don’t rescue them.
Keep in mind that your goal is to prepare your kids to live without you someday. It’s never too early to start helping them build their independence. Give them plenty of encouragement and praise. Celebrate successes, however large or small. It’s not easy for children to push themselves outside of their comfort zones, so be sure to let them know they are doing a great job. This will encourage them to keep speaking up and increase their confidence.
We tend to put all our focus on big things but it’s all those little things that are a part of daily life that turn out to be so powerful. When kids learn to speak for themselves, they develop self-confidence from the inside out. And as one of the seven essential strengths that make a Thriver, self-confidence is a superpower every child must develop.
Every parent wants their child to have a sense of purpose and meaning in their own life. By helping our kids speak for themselves, we are setting them up to follow their own path and live up to their real potential with the confidence and joy to thrive.
Michele Borba, Ed.D., is the author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine and UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, and is an internationally renowned educational psychologist and an expert in parenting, bullying, and character development. For more information, please visit https://www.micheleborba.com/.
It’s been a time, hasn’t it? So much change, confusion, fear, isolation, loss, grief. Adults are exhausted—and while people take it on faith that “Children are resilient,” it’s actually not that simple. According to the CDC and the American Psychological Association, self-harm, depression and anxiety, and ER visits for mental health issues are all on the rise in children as young as six. Younger children are experiencing outbursts and regressive behaviors.
Fortunately, resilience skills can be learned and grow over a lifetime—and it’s never too early to start teaching! (In fact, we adults may even learn something in the process.)
Research shows that children who are resilient benefit from improved mental and emotional well-being and experience less stress. They are curious, courageous, and trust their own instincts. Resilience helps kids stay calm, learn from their mistakes, and remain optimistic. In short, resilience helps kids not just bounce back from adversity, but bounce forward, better than before.
So how do we teach young children to be resilient? Start with these 5 tips:
1. It only takes one loving grownup to make a difference—be that grownup.
You’re open to conversation with your child, and you listen without judgment. You reassure your child that all feelings are okay (even those outsized feelings that are so difficult for grownups to deal with!); it’s what you do with those feelings that counts. When you provide a loving, safe space for a child, this gives them a head start on resilience.
2. Model the resilient behavior you want your child to learn.
Children sometimes find this hard to believe, but let them know that you, too, make mistakes all the time! And when you do, you take a deep breath and try again. Let them see you remaining calm in a stressful or emotional situation—and talk about how you find productive solutions. Encourage them to ask questions and give them age-appropriate answers. Getting honest answers in a loving environment can help a child feel less helpless or scared.
3. Help children identify their feelings—and demonstrate strategies that put them in charge of their emotions.
Sometimes young children seem like a volcano of emotions: roiling and out of control. It can feel like that to them, too! Help them put names to these big feelings: anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear; even excitement or unbridled joy can sometimes go overboard! Use pictures in kids’ books to help them recognize facial expressions and body language that signal different emotions. Recognizing and labeling their own emotions and those of others is a key step toward developing empathy, which is critical for socialization.
Now teach them strategies for managing big emotions—let them know that they’re in charge and they can control their feelings! Take slow, deep breaths. Count to 10. Use positive self-talk in stressful situations: “I’m feeling calm,” or “I’m brave, I’m BRAVE!” Finally, if they’re feeling upset or afraid about terrible world events, teach them to “Look for the helpers”—every situation brings out the good people who want to help make it better.
4. Foster kids’ ability to solve problems for themselves.
There may be no better gift you can give a child than to offer a few problem-solving tips and then step back and let them figure out their own solutions. First, think positively: “I can do this!” Then, try breaking the problem into smaller, more manageable chunks. Have to tidy up a messy bedroom? Don’t try to tackle it all at once; first, put the clothes away, then the toys, then the books. Each completed mini-task creates a sense of accomplishment. Think about one good thing you’re learning from this problem (“I left my lunch at home today, but I won’t do that again: I’ll put up a sticky note tomorrow”). And remember: You can always ask for help if you need it!
5. Finally, encourage children to set goals for the future—and identify the steps it will take to get there.
Having a dream or an ambition is an important way for a child to learn to be resilient. By keeping their “eyes on the prize,” they can pick themselves up after stumbling because they have something to work toward and look forward to. Do they want to learn a new sport, improve existing skills, be a good artist, learn all about dinosaurs? Let them know they have the power to make that happen! Explain that each goal requires a series of smaller steps—just as when you read a book, you read one page at a time. Help them write down their goal and the steps they’re going to take to achieve it (take lessons, practice, take out books from the library). It will give them something positive to strive for.
Children have been through a lot these past couple of years—and they may not even realize how resilient they’ve already been. A great way to illustrate the power of resilience is to have them write or draw “The Story of Me”: telling the story of a hard time they endured and how they got through it.
This way, children can see their resilience in action, and know that they have the strength to get through any future challenges!
Denise Daniels,RN, MS and creator of the groundbreaking children’s brand The Moodsters is a Peabody award-winning journalist, author, and parenting and child-development expert dedicated to putting young children on the path to positive mental health. She created The Moodsters—five quirky little feelings detectives who solve the mysteries of emotions.
Empathy is the foundation of positive, fulfilling connection with others and has the power to decrease conflict by increasing kindness. It’s one of the most important things we can teach our children, but what exactly is it? Throughout the years, psychologists and neuroscientists have come to understand that there are several facets to empathy, including:
Feeling what another person is feeling, which is called emotional or affective empathy.
Putting yourself in another person’s shoes to take their perspective and see their point of view, called cognitive empathy or “perspective-taking.”
Taking action to help others based on your understanding of another person’s feelings and perspective, which is called compassion or behavioral empathy.
It’s also important to know the difference between sympathy and empathy. While “empathy” means feeling with another person as their equal and trying to understand their situation, “sympathy” means feeling concern (or pity) for another person’s misfortunes, which may create a power imbalance between people and keep them from truly connecting. In cases where we don’t have enough knowledge to put ourselves in another person’s shoes, we can practice curiosity and model it for our children. Modeling curiosity by having conversations and asking questions can provide valuable insights as to why a person might feel the way they do in a given situation.
So how can we teach kids empathy?
Educators and parents can create experiences that help kids exercise their ability to empathize with other people. In particular, educators can help students learn about and investigate their own points of view, appreciate different perspectives, and cooperate and communicate in a respectful, positive manner. In addition to modelling, there are a number of other things we can do as adults:
1. Teach Perspective-Taking
Use transformational moments or “teachable moments” to teach perspective-taking and cooperation skills. Whether through examples that happen between students in the classroom or conflicts in the book they’re reading, use these moments to encourage students to reflect and practice seeing the situation from other points of view.
2. Integrate Empathy Practices across All Subject Areas
Weave empathy into your day-to-day learning. For example, during reading, you can easily model and practice perspective-taking for characters in stories. I often find free empathy resources and activities on Empatico, which has “Empathy Book Club” activities that I use to guide in-class discussions to help my students relate to others’ emotions and experiences:
3. Model Active Listening & Respectful Communication
Establish norms of active listening and respectful communication at home and in the classroom. This includes learning about how body language, facial expressions, and tone can impact one’s interactions. For example, I try to actively listen to my students and children by making eye contact with them, focusing on what they’re saying (rather than thinking about what I want to say next), and using nonverbal cues like nodding.
4. Encourage Self-Regulation & Empathy
Work on making “self-regulation” a daily priority. A large part of self-regulation is the ability to be aware of your emotions and manage your reactions to feelings and situations. Teach students strategies like “body breaks,” focused breathing and “mindful minutes” where students focus on something that encourages calmness. If students are able to successfully self-regulate, they are more readily available to be empathetic towards others.
5. Design Purposeful Learning Experiences
By contextualizing learning in a way that connects classroom instruction to real-life experiences, students can apply new skills as they learn them. I’ve used Empatico to connect my students (and my own children!) with other kids across the globe for collaborative, virtual experiences that allow them to practice empathy skills with peers from different backgrounds. During class exchanges, we discuss and compare issues within our own communities. From there we come up with ideas of concrete things we can do to make a difference. In these experiences, the classes I am working with bond over what they are passionate about, what the issues are in their community and their volunteerism. It is a powerful exercise of empathy.
Empathy has the power to be an absolute game-changer for how future generations interact and connect. It is one of the most important things we can teach our students and children. At its core, empathy means feeling with another person and understanding their situation. It requires that we open our minds and become vulnerable enough to relate to others at deeper levels. It also entails acknowledging the other person’s humanity, that they are equally important as we are, and that their feelings are equally valid. When we do this, we can truly feel with another person and empathize with them. This process is what ultimately strengthens the connection between two individuals; therefore, enriching lives and making the world a better place.
Brittany McMillan is a wife, mother of three, and teacher in British Columbia, Canada teaching middle school. She is dedicated to helping her students and own children grow into empathetic, good humans. She also loves fishing, adventures, meeting new people from around the globe and riding bikes with her family.
From birth through adulthood, a person’s growth is a continuous process. Various stages in one’s life are attributed to various types of developments—physical, behavioral and intellectual. Childhood, however, is the most important stage when a strong foundation for these three developmental areas can be put simultaneously and in a balanced way.
If you want your children to excel in all walks of life, it is important to understand how they develop physically, socially, emotionally, and intellectually. All these developmental milestones correlate with each other as well.
Physical Development
Physical development is the process in which your child’s body grows and acquires movement, which includes gross motor skills, fine motor skills, and hand-eye coordination. Gross motor skills refer to controlling large parts of the body such as arms and legs. Fine motor skills refer to coordinating small body parts, hands, and fingers.
This area of development provides children with the ability they need to explore and interact with the world around them. Thus, you need to reinforce your kids’ development and foster further progress wherever necessary, for example, by providing new opportunities to practice new skills.
Here’s how to promote physical development in your kids:
Healthy Food
A healthy and nutritious diet is one of the most important factors for ensuring that your kids reach optimal development. In general, a child needs adequate dietary intake to have enough nutrients and energy to grow. A healthy diet rich in calcium, protein, and other essential vitamins and minerals, enables optimal skeletal and physical growth.
Physical Sports
Encouraging your kids to take up sports offers many opportunities for improving coordination, strengthening muscles, body speed, and agility. Along with boosting health and fitness, sports will encourage your kids to utilize all their senses, locomotor systems, and brain capacities. By choosing sports in their lives, your children can not only become physically stronger but mentally tough as well.
Exercise
If your child isn’t the sports type, regular exercise has long-term health benefits for your kids, including a stronger immune system that increases their body’s ability to fight diseases to a reduction in type 2 diabetes. Exercise also helps build a strong cardiovascular system and optimum blood pressure level, stronger bone and muscle structure. Kids are less likely to become obese as exercise enhances the body’s metabolism.
Parents are the ones who mostly inspire their kids to take up exercises and physical activities, or any other good habits for that matter. So you also have to keep yourself fit and healthy in order to work with your kids.
Social & Emotional Development
Under social-emotional development children acquire skills that allow them to interact with other people, and to express and control their emotions. It includes forming relationships, learning social skills, caring for others, sharing toys, self-reliance, and making decisions.
Here’s how to promote social-emotional development in your kids:
Create a loving environment
A loving environment is an essential factor for the emotional development of your children. A comfortable and supportive atmosphere helps boost their self-confidence. They learn how to express affection and successfully use body language as a means of communication.
Self-awareness
To promote self-awareness in your children, start responding positively to their queries. Children need attention, patience, and a lot of face-to-face interaction. Encourage them to try new things, and help them do what they are capable of.
Social awareness
Social awareness is very important for the behavioral development of your kids. Let them be in the company of other kids to play and interact. Tell them to show empathy and understanding towards others. Knowing how to positively engage with others and understanding their feelings will have lifelong benefits.
Intellectual Development
Intellectual development in children is usually characterized by how various mental processes—attention span, understanding information, reasoning, learning, remembering, problem solving, and thinking—develop from birth until adulthood. Understanding this area of development gives you insight about your kids’ ability of logical reasoning at different age levels.
Here’s how to promote intellectual development in your kids:
Develop problem-solving skills
Building problem solving skills during the formative years of your kids can be extremely helpful for their lifetime. You can encourage them to play board games, brain games, and puzzles. Encourage them to come up with original ideas, while waiting and listening to them patiently.
Improve attention spans
Increasing attention span can play a vital role in the cognitive development of your kids. How much attention your children pay to a task depends on whether they are enjoying it or not. Since kids entering school have to perform more structured, repetitive, and academic tasks such as writing and reading, you need to make their tasks interesting for them.
Improve memory skills
Since memory is a complex process, you can employ a range of strategies to help your kids recall information. You can teach them how to remember the sequence of letters of different words, names of animals using their unique attributes, and names of places with specific landmarks.
As a loving and caring parent, you need to incorporate best practices to nurture and pamper your kids. It is important that from the early stage of their life, you must focus on their physical, emotional, and intellectual development.
Smith Willas is a freelance writer at Assignmentbro , blogger, and digital media journalist. He has a management degree in Supply Chain & Operations Management and Marketing and boasts a wide-ranging background in digital media.
If there’s one thing parents learn rather quickly, it’s that the words “kid” and “listen” are not always compatible. It’s easy to become frustrated when you think your little one isn’t paying attention to your words, but remember, sometimes active listening takes a little bit of practice. Here are 11 positive parenting solutions to help you stop yelling at your kiddos and get them listening.
Amy Morin, LCSW, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do, encourages parents to stay as calm as possible when reacting to their kiddos, even if the frustration level is high because they're not listening to you. Instead of getting angry and saying, "You're not listening to me," respond with saying you don't like it when they're not listening, and explain why and how it makes you feel. That also helps kids understand how their behavior affects others.
2. "What do you need to remember?"
Like many adults, kids sometimes tune out when they hear the same phrases, even if they're important ones. So instead of constantly reminding your kiddo, "Don't forget to wash your hands before lunch," try asking them what they need to remember before eating lunch. This will help them to express it back to you and take ownership of that important pre-eating task. Remember, mentally strong kids have parents who do these 13 things.
Sometimes there's nothing more frustrating than when your little ones refuse to listen when you need to leave the house. Instead of raising your voice so they'll listen, try giving them some control of the situation by enabling them to choose when you leave. Asking if they want to leave now or in 10 minutes means you're leaving, but they get to control when it happens.
4. "Show me."
Sometimes we assume our kids aren't listening because they're not responding in the way we think they should. Lauren Tamm, the author of The Military Wife and Mom, suggests asking your kiddo to show you they understand or demonstrate what they may not be able to articulate verbally.
Do you feel like you're constantly telling your kiddo to stop doing something, and they don't ever listen? Next time that happens, try a new approach. Instead of telling them to stop, divert their attention by asking them to focus on a new task.
6. "Take a breath, and ask me what you want."
Sometimes getting your kiddos to listen when they're in the midst of a tantrum can be an Olympic sport in itself. Instead of continuing to repeat the same things to your kids and them not responding, try changing the dynamic of the situation. Get them to focus on calming themselves by taking a breath, and encourage them to ask you what they want.
7. "You realized you got hurt when you jumped off the chair landed on the ground."
Kids often do things they shouldn't, like jumping off chairs, that could risk them getting injured. And no matter how many times you tell them to stop, they just don't want to listen to your warnings. Dr. Brenna Hicks, a child psychologist, suggests that the next time this happens and they do get hurt, use a phrase such as the one above so it acknowledges they figured out the problem and is also showing some empathy.
8. "Do you need to have a few minutes to yourself?"
When your little one is not listening or throwing a tantrum, saying something like this is a somewhat more positive way of communicating the consequences of not listening. You're also giving them the choice to control their behavior, and therefore, giving them some control over the situation.
9. "Your actions tell me you're too tired to play today."
Be sure to take cues from your kiddo's body language to learn why they may not be listening to you. Maybe your child isn't listening because they are tired or hit a mental breaking point for the day, and the only way they can communicate is through not listening to you. Show them you understand by commenting on their actions, not the fact that they're not listening.
10. Say their name, and give a pause.
When a person hears their name, it provokes a different response. So the next time your little one is not listening to your instructions, change the dynamic a bit, and use their name when you speak. Follow their name with a short pause so they have time to respond.
11. "It's okay to cry."
Positive Parenting Coach Wendy Snyder says it's important to validate kids' feelings. They have big emotions but might have the tools to control them quite yet. By letting them express themselves, you're offering support, which leads to a calmer home environment.
Hearing a doctor or psychologist diagnose your child with a serious diagnosis can be a gut punch for a parent or caregiver. You will need to face your own feelings about the diagnosis, learn about the condition, and take action on behalf of your child.
Maybe your daughter is a late talker who doesn’t allow others to hug her. Maybe your son talks up a storm about Thomas the Tank Engine and can only go to sleep when every engine from the show is lined up in a precise order on his bed. Maybe your child doesn’t make eye contact or reply in a conversational way when you speak to them.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that parents who are concerned about their child’s development talk with their doctor. The AAP recommends screening all children for autism at the 18- and 24-month well-child visits.
The Initial Screening & Evaluation
Sometimes the initial screening process goes smoothly and results in a clear diagnosis. Julie and Kyle’s third and youngest child, Aldo, was only two when he was diagnosed with autism, and he qualified for early intervention, a program that offers developmental support to very young children. Julie described Aldo as sociable and charming at times, but he didn’t like to make eye contact and he didn’t seem very interested in other kids. She was concerned by his frequent meltdowns, which were caused by a flood of intense feelings, both physical and emotional. When she took him to be evaluated, the evaluators said his autism was as clear as day.
The evaluation process is not always that straightforward, though. For example, for children who have another major diagnosis, like deafness or cerebral palsy, indicators of autism are harder to recognize. In these cases, a parent might be told that their child’s behavior is due to a diagnosis that is already known.
That is what happened with Julie and Kyle’s second child, Tommy, who is legally blind. When he was in preschool, he was having such violent meltdowns that he had been asked to leave two schools. He didn’t like to be away from home, and it showed.
“His relationship with me and his dad and older sister was wonderful, but anybody else, he was like, ‘burn it all down.’” She knew in her gut something more than his low vision was going on, but every doctor they consulted insisted that vision was the only issue.
“When they’re little,” she says, “you’re trying to figure out, is this their personality or is something wrong?”
Insurance Issues Create Challenges
Sometimes factors like where you live and what kind of insurance you have make a difference as well. In Tennessee, where Julie and Kyle’s family lived at the time, state law does not require autism services to be covered by insurance.
“They were recommending applied behavior therapy for Aldo and we were looking into that,” she says. “After insurance we would be paying $800 a week. It was really shattering.”
So, like many families with autistic children, they researched states where, by law, autism services are covered at 100 percent, and they relocated to Pennsylvania.
After they moved, Tommy’s new school counselor referred him for evaluation, and he received an official diagnosis. It soon became clear that autism runs in both sides of the family. “They were talking about Tommy, but they were also aspects of my life,” Kyle says. He was diagnosed later that year. The family now includes two children and one adult with autism.
As the family settled into a new state, home, and school district, the boys started getting help.
About Autism Spectrum Disorder
Autism is a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition that affects a person’s ability to communicate and interact with others. Autism also affects a person’s ability to process changes and transitions in daily life and sensory information from their environment. Every autistic person is unique, but, generally speaking, autistic children may find it hard to make friends with typically developing peers and may become overwhelmed by sensory input or changes to routine. Some experience meltdowns that caregivers feel powerless to stop.
Autism is a spectrum disorder, which means autistic people experience it on a continuum of severity. Diagnosis is usually categorized as level one, two, or three.
Level 1: The person requires support for learning social skills, organizational and planning skills, and dealing with the expectations of society.
Level 2: The individual requires substantial support with verbal communication skills, understanding others’ body language, and managing changes to their environment or routines, which can cause them significant distress.
Level 3: The person requires very substantial support because of challenges related to verbal and nonverbal communication, as well as intensely repetitive behaviors and severe distress they experience during transitions.
ABA Therapy
Aldo, who is now four years old, attends a preschool that uses applied behavior analysis (ABA), a type of therapy that focuses on teaching specific behaviors and self-care skills. Aldo is working on language concepts, dressing himself, and regulating his emotions.
Kyle describes ABA as providing scripts to follow in a variety of situations, like when to say “I’m sorry for your loss,” versus “Everything will be OK.” As an adult who never received an autism diagnosis or support, Kyle had to learn this kind of thing on his own. “It’s basic pattern recognition for social situations,” he says, “but I’m still not very good at it.”
Julie says ABA works well as long as the teachers develop a rapport with their students first.
“ABA is only as good as the practitioner,” she says. “They were talking to Aldo like he’s a robot, giving him commands and expecting compliance. I told them, ‘You have to have an emotional connection with him. If you are attempting to change his behavior without an emotional connection, he won’t do it.’”
For Tommy, the challenges are a bit more nuanced. At seven, he is in school with a one-on-one aide who helps him work on learning how different social rules apply in different places, like the playground versus the classroom, and handling overwhelming sensory input, like noisy hallways.
Even with support, sometimes the frustrations of a world that is too loud, changeable, and demanding take their toll on the boys, leading to meltdowns.
Kyle says, “A meltdown is when pieces don’t fit, things don’t make sense, and they’re unable to reconcile the reality of the situation and deal with it. It is based on the sheer terror of losing contact with the reality you know to be safe and right and good.”
Other Supports & Therapies
Support for autistic individuals often means therapies that target their specific needs. In addition to ABA, which is considered the gold standard for autism support before age four, support may include:
Speech and language therapy offers support for anyone with difficulties that relate to talking, feeding, processing language, and understanding body language and social cues. The communication challenges that make up major features of autism mean that many autistic children receive speech therapy.
Occupational therapy helps people master fine motor tasks like handwriting, dressing, or feeding themselves, and challenges related to sensory processing challenges, which affect how intensely sensory input affects a person’s nervous system.
“This Is Really Hard”
Julie wants parents whose kids have just been diagnosed to know that there is a whole community that understands what you’re feeling.
“I would tell them, ‘you’re not crazy; this is really hard,’” she says. “I’ve had to change aspects of my personality to be a better mom. I’m not a naturally organized person, and I’ve had to dissolve and reinvent myself to become the kind of mom they needed me to be.”
Kyle agrees that the organizational demands of raising children who are autistic are a lot harder than they should be. “You have to be prepared for a nonstop litany of ‘go here first, do this next.’ And you may or may not get where you’re supposed to go.”
Julie says she has had to employ two opposite modes of communication as an advocate for her sons. “One is ‘I’m a complete emotional mess asking anyone for help,’ and the other one is this really hard-nosed, clear-sighted person going for what they need,” she says. “I’ve had to use both of them. I’ve had to cry on the phone to get help with paperwork, and I’ve had to hire a special education advocate because the school was jerking me around.”
Finding social support is essential. “Even though you feel alone, you’re not alone. Find online groups, especially local ones, that are supportive and loving and won’t shame you. Those communities are lifesavers.”
About the Author
Juliet B. Martinez is a freelance writer and editor with close to 20 years of experience writing on health, science, and parenting topics. A graduate of Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism, Juliet has published articles in Chicago Parent and Green Entrepreneur, among others. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband, a drummer and university administrator; her deaf, autistic, K-pop-loving teenager; and her tween, who still likes to cuddle. Read more of Juliet’s writing at www.julietbmartinez.com.
We’re living in a time when it’s nearly impossible to distinguish fact from fiction. Parents need information they trust to help them make good decisions about raising their curious learners. Britannica for Parents provides safe and credible resources to empower all kids and parents and inspire curiosity for generations to come.
