Photo: via Lauren Shapiro Mandel

I gave birth to my daughter on a Monday. That Friday, my mom died.

My daughter was five days old. I got a call from my Dad mid-morning, who said he was nearby and wanted to come over for a few minutes. He lived 40 minutes away. He never just happened to be nearby.

I hung up the phone, waddled to the bathroom to take care of my postpartum self, and hustled back down the hallway just as my Dad was walking through the door of our condo. He looked up but didn’t smile.

“Mom died today,” he said, offering no additional details, leaving an opening for me to say something. Anything.

But I didn’t say anything. I released a strong breath, then looked over at my baby in my husband’s arms on the couch. He was dangling a bottle of formula over the armrest, burp cloth draped over his chest, staring back at me, waiting for my reaction to news that was stunning but also a long time coming.

My mom suffered her first brain bleed when I was 10 years old. When my mom’s brain bled for the second time, I was 12, and this time she stayed in the hospital for more than four months, followed by an extensive stay in a rehab facility. When she finally came home, she wasn’t who she had always been. My mom died that summer in the hospital, though the doctors told us she had made a miraculous recovery. 

Traumatic brain injuries have a way of taking someone away while leaving them right next to you. I saw my mom next to me, in her wheelchair, slurred speech, sad eyes. But it wasn’t her at all. The person I knew, the person I needed, she no longer existed. She had become her illness. 

I lost her when I was 12, but it wasn’t until I was 33 and a new mom that I felt the finality of that loss. All those years of mourning and coping and managing, I thought those years would prepare me for this moment. But I was surprised to learn that no amount of loss can prepare you for death. 

When it was time for the funeral, my husband drove slowly into the cemetery. I had one hand near my newborn’s mouth, holding her pacifier in place, while the other hand covered my own mouth to control my tears. Sitting in the back seat of the car, staring down at my daughter, my mind was racing, replaying years of grief all at once and all over again. 

But this was a new type of grief that shook me that day in the car, and for months after. I was no longer just a daughter grieving the loss of her mother, but a mother grappling with the possibility that my daughter could one day face a similar fate. For the first time since she got sick, I saw myself in my mom. 

As my daughter’s first birthday approached, so did the anniversary of my mom’s death. That week was both happy and sad and also confusing. Of course, this week will occur every year in the years to come, and I will have to find a productive way to spend this time. I hope to be able to do that soon.

But until then, I will mark both events separately, as they are. The anniversary of my mom’s death will honor the woman I lost and then lost again. My daughter’s birthday will celebrate the beautiful, spirited, feisty little girl I brought into this world. 

And together, these events will be a reminder of who I am because of them both.

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Lauren Shapiro Mandel
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Lauren Mandel is the daughter of Daniel Shapiro, author of the book “The Thin Ledge.” In the book Shapiro recounts his family’s difficulties with his wife's sudden but long-term illness and the family's caregiving struggle. Lauren serves as a chair for the Brain Research Foundation, in honor of her mom.

There have been way too many times that we have left the house and I have forgotten one crucial item. It tends to be the most critical item that we need and there it is, left at home. Have you read the book, Checklist Manifesto? A diaper bag requires a checklist because there are too many things that baby needs and are so easy to forget.

The tricky thing is that we need to pack each time we go out, right? We use all the things like outfits, diapers, bottles but it’s the replenishing that causes me to forget an item. (That and my current state of sleep deprivation.) So, I’m making a list here as much for me as it is to share. Now if only someone could help me pack suitcases for a family of five.

 

So here it goes, this is my list for one newborn baby. The best way for me to remember all items is to think in categories: diapering, feeding, mom, all others/siblings.

Diapering

  • Changing pad 
  • Wipes
  • Diaper cream
  • 6 diapers
  • 2 Changes of clothes

Feeding 

  • Bottles, with breast milk or water and formula 
  • Thermos packed with hot water to warm bottles on the go
  • Nursing cover and if needed nipple shield, lanolin, etc
  • Burp cloth, I love the flannel ones 
  • Pacifier 

Mom

  • Wallet, keys, glasses, etc
  • Change of shirt, I keep a basic grey v-neck bc you never know
  • Chapstick, gum, I don’t know but things you’d put in your purse
  • Sanitizing wipes, lotion

All others

  • Toy for baby or sibling
  • Phone charger if needed
  • Blanket or muslin

The diaper bag evolves as the baby gets older and needs less or different things. Also, I used to carry a larger duffle bag style when we had two children under two and thus had two different size diapers and clothes to remember to pack. Oh, those days were exhausting. 

It is important to remember to get your items like your wallet (!) when the weekend is over, for example, and you are headed to work for the week. I’ve been without my wallet on a few occasions because it’s left in the diaper bag. Oops!

And the worst thing I ever forgot? Formula at the airport!

I was traveling to Boston to get to Cape Cod, to visit family with just Deacon, my youngest at the time. He was in between breastmilk and cows milk and so we supplemented with formula. He ate solid food but not enough to satisfy my big, growing boy. We went through security before I realized it. They do not sell formula anywhere in an airport, FYI. I learned that the hard way.

Thankfully, our flight was delayed for one hour. I had our bag checked, of course, and so we left the airport and went back to the car and into the parking garage. I drove to the closest Walmart and bought baby formula. This may have been one of the highest stress situations I have been in and I felt like I was the worst mom on the planet that day.

By then he wanted a bottle so I made one on the spot in the Walmart parking lot and drove back to the airport. We had to go through security again and made it back just in time. I definitely would have had to miss my flight otherwise! Lesson learned. Don’t be like me. Use this list.

I sometimes think about when I was younger and meticulously packed my purse or bag for a class in college. Now I can’t even remember what I even needed for myself. A hairbrush, mirror, face powder? Now I just need chapstick, phone, and a wallet and I’m good. It’s the little ones that need all of the things!

Oh yeah and after all that packing, don’t forget the little one too! 

This post originally appeared on Life Love & Little Boys.

Located in Bloomington, Indiana I am a wife, full-time working Mom to 3 boys, a part-time graduate student & a writer. I am also an optimist, problem solver, peacemaker, gardener, runner and a crazy-busy mom just trying to enjoy each moment. I truly value my friends, family and my mommy tribe.

Amp up your story time, become a party planning pro and even revolutionize your oral care routine with these brand new releases that recently caught our Editor’s eye.

Partyology App
We all know the struggles of turning a perfectly curated Pinterest board into a really amazing party. And apparently, so did the Dr. Barbara Edelstein and Mechele Flaum, the two founders of Partyology, a party planning concierge fitted to the palm of your hand. Get inspired by filtering through categorizes like gender, type of party, themes and more. Design that Frozen birthday bash by culling through the best ideas from around the web, and buy what you need, from decorations to party favors, all without closing the app! Setting up and entertaining will have to be all you, but it sure beats weeding through every craft store in town for pink polka dot balloons.

Available free on iTunes.
Online: partyology.com

photo: Partyology

hello Kids Toothpaste
As a parent, you’re always mindful of what goes in your kiddo’s body: you aim for organic produce and BPA-free products. But when it comes to healthy, natural oral care products your choices are limited. Until now. hello oral care products is revolutionizing the way your family will think of what goes into your mouth. Its products prevent cavities, polish teeth and strengthen enamel just like your normal toothpaste, but are all natural and free of dyes, preservatives and artificial sweeteners. The company’s brand new kids’ toothpaste line comes in kid-favorite flavors like green apple, blue raspberry and bubble gum and is sure to win over even the most brushing-adverse kids. A little jealous mom and dad? Check out hello’s variety of adult toothpastes, as well as mouthwashes and breath sprays.

Available at most Target stores for $3.49. To find a retailer near you click here.
Online: hello-products.com and target.com

photo: Sara Olsher

buttermilk babies swaddles
Having seen our fair share of swaddles, we figured one size fits all, right? buttermilk babies proved us wrong. Their new line of charming, super-soft swaddles will win you over with patterns that are anything but boring or kitschy. The Texas-based company was inspired by the joy buttermilk brings (think fried chicken and Sunday morning pancakes) and their silky soft swaddles aim to bring comfort and style no matter your taste. Their introductory collection features seven prints whose styles are fun, whimsical and unique. Bonus: these swaddles measure 47″x47″ and can easily double as a receiving blanket, burp cloth and more.

Available at buttermilkbabies.com for $75/four pack.

photo: buttermilk babies

Star Wars Epic Yarns Trilogy
You don’t have to be a die hard Star Wars fan to delight in these three new board books from the creators, twin brothers Jack and Holman Wang. This dynamic duo hand-crafted each character to an exact 7:1 scale with felt and re-created each setting and scene bringing their perfectly formed mini-felt creations on location to the desert, swamp, forest and snow. The result? Three charming books that each tell the Star Wars story in 12 iconic scenes and summarized in just one single word.

Available at chroniclebooks.com for $9.95

What other new products and cool goods have caught your eye recently? Share your finds in the Comments below.

— Erin Lem with Christal Yuen

Seattle moms Monica Fetty and Carolyn Cussac wanted to open a children’s shop with an eye toward green-ness, affordability, and quality. Le Petit Shoppe is the result, a fab new place to find gently worn kids’ outfits (infant to size ten) and maternity clothes. Fetty and Cussac are selective in what they re-sell, so you’ll find only top brands here, at eye-popping prices. We found onesies from Petit Bateau and Catimini for $8. Then we went on to browse baby furniture, strollers, rain boots, shoes, sweaters, dresses, ski jackets and more —all in like-new condition. While meandering the shop’s open, boutique-style space, we also came across new items from local blanket and burp cloth designer So Anna, paintings by a local mom, and panties from Hanky Panky at wholesale cost ($8). Have in-season items to sell? Le Petit Shoppe buys outright —your credit goes toward new purchases or straight into your wallet. This Saturday, Feb.2, the shop is celebrating in style with a grand opening party featuring Cupcake Royale goodies and the launch of local author and illustrator Tara Jorgensen’s picture book Nina and Madison Ride the Bus in Seattle. A portion of proceeds from the book’s sale that day go to Children’s Hospital. More fun events are in the works, including a Mom’s Night Out with childcare, manicures, and a denim sample sale. Welcome to the neighborhood, Le Petit Shoppe.

Le Petit Shoppe
3432 NE 45th St. (near U-Village)
206.525.0619