Dear Confessional,

I don’t think it’s a mid-life crisis moment that I went through, although some may say it could sound similar. I wasn’t depressed, I don’t think. I wasn’t sad in any way. Maybe bored a bit? Confused perhaps? Contemplating in some way. Whatever you want to call it, I was re-awakening, re-defining, re-evaluating, and emerging from my chrysalis as a new version of my former self. Yes, that’s the way I would describe it exactly.

The more that I speak to other moms, the more that I come to understand that this peculiar phase in motherhood is all too well shared, but often not verbalized. The term that I have coined for this strange, often temporary cloud, is the “Mommy Rut.”

Many of us have experienced some essence of this period. From lively 20-something year olds, we generally have a clear vision of our profession and then work our academic and professional lives until we get there. Marriage and babies enter the picture in a beautiful way, but then everything changes.

New moms are typically unprepared or forewarned for the way that parenthood reshapes a marriage, your personality, your long-term plan whether as a stay-at-home mom or returning to work. Balancing mommy life and wife-life, not to mention putting work on hiatus or returning a bit more exhausted and distracted, can take quite a toll. The sleep deprivation and cold meals, leftovers from the kids’ plates, or even eating standing up may not be how you would have envisioned this parenting scenario, even if you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Then just when you think that you’ve mastered your daily routine enough to leave the house before lunchtime and/or getting your bundle of kids to school on time, this new wave slams into you, head on.

Identifying the “Mommy Rut”

One morning, I returned home from dropping the kids off at school and realized that I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I stopped smiling and laughing as much because I was so focused on keeping the kids safe, well-fed, on time, and house in order. I felt like a robot or drill sergeant. I didn’t have time for me. I didn’t look at myself anymore because it didn’t matter. Everything was about the kids, my husband, and my home.

When I finally did look in the mirror, I realized that I needed to re-focus and re-awaken out of this mom-fog. I wasn’t sad, and I wasn’t regretful even one molecule—perhaps I was a shell of former myself who was going through the motions, but not fulfilling my dreams, feeling energized, or really loving and accepting myself inside and out… because I didn’t have the time or the mental clarity. I was a semblance of myself without a “whole” definition.

That’s when I woke up and realized that I was in the midst of “Mommy Rut,” even in my 30-something years.

Taking Action

This was my chrysalis moment. I needed to do some deep soul-searching to figure out who I truly wanted to become and then devise a plan to make it happen. Something deep inside of me was itchy, and I didn’t know where to begin to change it, so I simply made this mental list and went from there.

Personal:

One thing was for certain—my mom-bod just didn’t do it for me. I wanted my 20-something vibe back. I wanted to look at myself and see the best version of me. So I did.

  • I started by not being the human garbage disposal (GDS syndrome) and was more careful about what I put into my mouth. Every extra handful counts!
  • I made myself a priority too and made sure that my meals were warm and sitting down. I ate more often and in smaller portions. My mouthfuls were nutritionally meaningful—not a handful of emotional carb-stuffing to justify a mom time-out.
  • I dressed to impress MYSELF, even if my 20-something fashion evolved a bit since. I wanted to feel good about who I saw in the mirror, inside and out. * I rallied myself around a great group of mom friends from the kids’ school and made it a point to be social. After all, girl friends are the best people to relate. They just get it—and it feels good to not feel like you’re on an island of mommy moments.
  • I became more active and joined Zumba. Not only did I love the excuse for an extra social hour, but I also toned up and got to get my jam on.

Fun Mom:

Perhaps the most disgruntling feeling was not feeling fun anymore. I know I can be, but somehow along the way I lost it a little when my main focus was keeping the peace, and maintaining health and safety of the troop. I felt more like a crossing guard/cafeteria monitor than a fun parent. Something had to change.

  • I stopped raising my voice so much. I allowed the children to make mistakes and earn consequences that were there’s alone. My tone remained supportive, centered, and loving. I stopped being a Dr. Jekyll & Momma Hyde parent.
  • I put my phone down and engaged more.
  • I put the dishes and laundry away later so that I could be more present.
  • I created personal projects with the children so we could have special moments together and feel proud.
  • I played more music in the house, and we all danced more. We stopped living in a glass house.
  • We cooked together more, and the kids were given more responsibilities to feel engaged, helpful, and appreciated.
  • I spent more time with each child before bedtime to talk about every detail from the day.

Marriage Boost:

Every marriage goes through exciting waves of intimacy and emotional connection, and also hits a few lulls along the way. Those lulls seem to lend to a lot of butting heads too. Sometimes the inside rut causes a stale vibe with others too. I needed to get out of the funk and feel sexy and supportive again.

  • I stopped creating expectations for how I would do things, and stepped back. I became more appreciative and thankful.
  • I offered ways for my husband to succeed with the children, instead of criticizing.
  • I opened up more about my anxieties, fears, concerns, and leaned on my best friend, husband, for support.
  • Intimacy became often and incredible, and so we connected more in the everyday.
  • We began messaging each other encouraging and loving notes throughout the day.

Professional Prowess:

I loved my number one job of being a total full-time mom. I’m not complaining at all, but honestly, that former part of myself that dressed up for work and felt professional with real adults using big vocabulary was missing a bit. I wanted to do something that was just mine, just for me. I needed to make a plan for a professional role that wouldn’t get in the way of my main, most important job of parenting, availability, and flexibility for the kids.

  • I redefined my honest and deep professional aspirations. I spoke to peers and friends, and discovered new ideas.
  • I made a plan and began in small steps. I focused only on the tasks for that day and made sure to conquer them, one step and a time.
  • I took chances. I constantly risked rejection and put myself out on the line, over and over again. My passion for my profession drives and compels me to be unstoppable, whether I win some or loose some.
  • My vision started to become realized and grow, expand. I was finally chasing—and catching—my dream job.

Effects of Digging Out

Something incredible started to happen over the last couple of months. I started to smile again. I started to laugh whole-heartedly. I started to feel happy, sexy, proud, fulfilled, and loved—not just by those who surrounded me—but by my own person. My family feels it too.

You see, I emerged from that chrysalis. I opened my eyes from that mom-fog—“Mommy Rut”—and rediscovered myself again. There was no more guilt, no more frustration, no more discomfort in action or inaction, and no self-doubt. I felt free, and it feels right. I was succeeding in every facet, because I defined my needs, made a plan, made the change, and started to feel whole once again.

Test it out and make a plan. You deserve to look, feel, and be your best. Love yourself, and you will then find the ability to love everyone else with your entire core.  As for me, I am proud to settle in my new butterfly suit… and soar.   

with Love,

Ruthi

Ruthi Davis is a the Founder of Ruth Davis Consulting LLC with over two decades of success in advertising/marketing, media/publicity, business development, client relations, and organizational optimization for a variety of clients. Ruthi is a proud mom and influencer in the parenting and family market as founder of the Superfly Supermom brand.

Photo: Brian Ainsley Horn

My son Jackson was born with Down syndrome.

He’s been an unbelievable blessing to everyone whose life he touches and he has taught me more about life than any other person on the planet. However, when he was first diagnosed, I did not see it as a blessing… Far from it.

But I soon realized that I couldn’t let it control my life and that I could not only handle it, but use it to improve my life and happiness. My understanding of this concept helped me move from a state of despair to a state where I loved and appreciated the thing I once saw as an unbeatable problem.

So, I did what any rational person would do.

I got a tattoo.

I wanted it to be special and communicate my journey with Jackson. The tattoo tells the story of our journey through the chrysalis of a butterfly (the butterfly is also the international symbol for Down syndrome). Here is what the journey looked like for me.

Stage 1: Despair

This stage is like being wrapped up in a cocoon, wanting to live in total isolation and darkness. Dissociating from the rest of the world completely and preparing yourself for the upcoming changes.

This can range from the death of a loved one, the end of a marriage, being fired from your job, a collapse of a business—or in my case, finding out my newborn son had Down syndrome.

“Despair” is the first stage you go through after being dealt a problem that you can’t fix. You will want to hide from the world and often feel that you are the only person that this has happened to EVER.

Being miserable at this point is totally normal and actually means you have a healthy spirit and mind.

When I was dealing with the news about Jackson, I was at the lowest point in my life by a mile. We’re talking fetal position on the floor sobbing uncontrollably, drinking heavily every night just to be able to fall asleep.

I cried for the thought of what he would have to go through later in life, for the loss of my “perfect” son I had always dreamed about, for my wife losing her “happy every after.” Then on top of all that, there was unbearable guilt for feeling anything but joy over this beautiful and amazing soul that was just brought into the world.

But the “Despair” stage passes and I moved into…

Stage 2: Acceptance

At this stage, you have accepted the “problem” and are starting to emerge like a butterfly from the cocoon.

You are still not free yet, but you start to reenter the world again. But because you aren’t done, you still have to work at clawing your way out of the cocoon.

This would be where you come to terms with the death of a loved one or the end of a marriage, start to build a new business to replace the one you lost, start interviewing for a new job… in my case, simply process that your child will be a little different than what you had initially planned for.

You see, I was able to accept that he had Down syndrome, but I still wasn’t where I wanted to be.

So, I joined the Board of Directors for Houston’s Down Syndrome Association, wrote about Jackson in my second book, blogged about my experiences with him, reached out to the IM community and raised a lot of money for a DS Charity and much more.

I had accepted Jackson’s diagnosis and was ready to take it head on and make it work for me and my family.

The “acceptance” phase is where the hard work takes place. If you don’t put in the work during this phase, you won’t make it to the next phase…

Stage 3: Appreciation

At this stage, you’ve moved past the “problem” and see that it was really a blessing from God all along and far more beautiful that anything you ever imagined—just like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon.

This would be where you are at peace with the death of a loved one and feel nothing but joy because of the time you had with them, start to date again and feel blessed for the person you grew into during the ending of your marriage. You actually cherish the failing of your business or job loss because of what you learned from it.

In my case, I now really see the beauty in Down syndrome. The almond eyes, rounder face, protruding tongue, etc.

I have evolved to a place where I see it completely different than I did before Jackson—and not just with DS anymore, either. It has transformed how I see ALL people.

You may have also noticed a Bible verse on a scroll underneath the butterfly, Jeremiah 1:5: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.” This means that Jackson is not a mistake. No human being is less than any other. They all have a place in the world and something special that sets them apart.

Every person on this planet was at one point a baby being held by someone who loved them as much as I loved my son. He has taught me more deeply than I ever thought possible that all life is precious… every person should be loved and valued.

Things that seem ugly and are totally out of your control will only be that way long-term if you allow them to be. Challenges are what make your life unique and they are your main opportunity to distinguish your life from everyone else’s.

This post originally appeared on Huffington Post.

Doting Dad and Digital Entrepreneur. In my '40s and still think farts are funny.

Get eye to eye with a butterfly at the popular exhibit Butterflies & Blooms on view now at the Conservatory of Flowers! See pupae emerging from their chrysalis stage, and walk among a wide variety of brightly colored blossoms while hundreds of free-flying butterflies flit from flower to flower, providing a fascinating demonstration of plant pollination in action. Learn more here.