Choosing to get a divorce is one of the most difficult decisions you can make in your life—especially when kids are involved. Regardless of their age, you want to protect them at all costs and ensure the entire process goes as smoothly as possible. Of course, this is much easier said than done, as you may well know. Aside from the legal aspects, there are emotional and parenting issues you have to deal with. At times, these can be more taxing than the financial and contractual details. However, as impossible as it may seem right now, there are ways to care for yourself and your kids as you navigate this tumultuous time in your life. Here are some tips to help you make it through and become an even stronger mama in the process.

1. Give Yourself Time

One of the best things you can do for yourself and your kids is to give yourself time to process your emotions. It’s completely natural to experience panic, confusion, sadness, anger, and a slew of other feelings as you come to terms with the fact that your marriage is ending. In fact, you’ll likely go through the stages of grief as you move forward, eventually reaching acceptance. However, as painful as the process is, it’s best not to rush it. Sit with the pain and allow yourself to break down when you aren’t on mom duty. You’re human too, after all. You deserve to explore those complicated emotions without feeling the need to suppress them 24/7.

2. Don’t Go It Alone

While alone time is essential in processing your emotions, it’s equally important to find others with whom you can confide. Up until this point, it’s likely your husband was the one with whom you would share your thoughts and feelings. Now, you must trust close friends, relatives, or a therapist with the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Of course, opening up to others can be frightening and uncomfortable. However, talking to someone else may provide you a fresh perspective or prevent you from running back to a toxic relationship for the sake of your kids. You might also consider joining a support group so you can be with others who are currently going through or have been through a divorce.

3. Become a United Front

A lack of communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek divorce. However, when it comes time to inform the kids of your decision, you must be able to speak with one another and become a united front before talking to your children. After all, this decision involves both of you, so you should both be present when telling the kids. Moreover, your little ones will likely feel more comfortable and safe if you’re both there to explain things. Prepare for questions and make sure you and your spouse agree on the reasoning behind the divorce so you can answer them clearly and concisely.

4. Avoid Trash Talk

During that first conversation with your kids and throughout the divorce process, avoid trash-talking your spouse. Even if their actions or words were the reason for the divorce, it’s best not to drag them through the mud in front of your children. Your kids don’t need to know all the details of the divorce and, in the end, you still want them to respect both you and their father. Plus, you don’t want your little ones to feel like they have to choose a side—especially when you’re trying to protect them from the messiness of divorce. If your partner is trash-talking you, let your actions speak for themselves and resist the urge to defend yourself. Doing so will only fan the flames and give your kids more reason to turn against one of you.

5. Don’t Make Your Kids Messengers

Even before the divorce is final it isn’t uncommon for you or your spouse to move out and begin splitting time with the kids. If you continue to share custody of the children, this cycle of having your kids and sending them off to see their father will repeat for years to come. During the early stages, many ex-couples use the kids as messengers instead of directly communicating with one another. Don’t make the same mistake. Using your kids as middlemen puts them in the line of fire if an argument were to occur, causing real and lasting damage to their emotional health and wellbeing. Therefore, it’s best to text, call or email your ex privately or meet up and speak in person without your kids being present.

Today Is Not Your Forever

If you’re in the throes of divorce, it may be difficult—if not impossible—to see a silver lining in such a mess. Yet, it’s important to remember that you’re doing this for your kids if nothing else. They deserve a safe, loving home, and divorce may have been the only way to provide that. Find hope in the fact that even if today may be almost too much to bear, it won’t last forever. Eventually, you and your little ones will emerge from the rubble and rebuild your lives together. Looking back, you may find this was the best thing you could ever have done for your kids and their future.

This post originally appeared on Momish.

Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine.  A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures.  She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time. 

If you’ve ever eavesdropped on a preschooler’s phone or FaceTime conversation, you probably found it very entertaining, but also a little cringey. After all, young children are still learning the social graces of one-on-one conversations.

Our experts in the Kiddie Academy Education Department have offered the following guidance on how to make virtual communicating a comfortable and worthwhile experience for kids of all ages.

Is It Worth Trying to Teach Your Child Virtual Etiquette?

As with any one-on-one interactions your child may encounter, you want them to be polite, responsive, well-mannered, and cordial. But the reality is some of these expectations can be developmentally inappropriate, especially with younger ones. In the early years (2 years old through preschool), your child’s receptive and expressive language skills aren’t fully developed. They don’t comprehend certain questions asked of them and will have difficulty responding appropriately. Or they may not respond at all.

However, the persistence of the coronavirus suggests that virtual interactions will continue to be the new normal and the future, so it’s important to teach children at an early age how to navigate and behave in a virtual world.

Tips for One-On-One Virtual Calls with Kids

It’s a big deal when children can see and talk to friends and relatives one-on-one via the screen. Here are a few bits of advice on how to turn the calls into a good experience for everyone:

1. Calls should be short. Recommended maximum times are two minutes for 2-year-olds; three-four minutes for 3-4-year-olds; five minutes for 5-year-olds, and so on. The interaction will be short and that’s OK, too. It may take more time to set it up the call than the call lasts.

2. Many young children become shy—reserved and uncomfortable—seeing themselves and others on a computer screen, while others will become excited and chat away. That’s OK. Don’t force the interactions and instead be gentle and supportive.

3. Sometimes the adult may be the one holding the child back from being comfortable enough to interact with their friends. Find alternative ways for them to interact with friends—send letters, call on the phone, do a drive-by and talk from your car, etc.

4. Don’t worry about your child not looking directly into the camera. Children have difficulty making eye contact in person. Looking into a small hole on a computer and being attentive enough to do so for the duration of a call may not be developmentally appropriate.

5. Avoid using the same space for one-on-one chats as you use for virtual learning. Try to separate the two so that your child is aware that one area is for learning and the other area can be for talking to friends.

6. Encourage your child to share toys, books, or anything that interests them with their friends. If possible, set up the computer so that the children may play together virtually and talk to one another as they play. It’s comforting to know that a friend is with you, even though it’s virtual.

This post originally appeared on Kiddie Academy Family Essentials Blog.

Richard Peterson has over 20 years of experience in early childhood education where he has been involved with the direct and indirect instruction of students. As the Chief Academic Officer, Peterson provides daily support to the Kiddie Academy education department in the areas of curriculum, assessment, training and more.

When parents take my parenting workshop, one of the most popular exercises when parents create their family’s coat-of-arms. They are asked to think of values that they want to impart to their children to put on an imaginary shield, just as families in the past did for their kin. My family likes to tease me about the aphorisms I am famous for spouting or would display as our family heraldry if I could. Here are some of my favorites:

Find work you love.

Your failures sometimes teach more than your successes.

Be kind to all people.

It isn’t what happens; it’s what happens next.

It isn’t every day that I get to see these values play out in real life. But, that is exactly what happened last week as I tuned into a panel discussion that my daughter, Cinematographer, Mia Cioffi Henry, participated in. The panel, “Through Her Lens: Creating a Truly Inclusive Film Industry,” was sponsored by Panavision and award-winning non-profit, Made In Her Image. It featured a round table discussion about the inequities in the film and television business, through the lens of six women of color, who are behind the camera.

Listening to my daughter’s contributions to the discussion filled me with a myriad of emotions. First and foremost was an appreciation for her passion for her work. Indeed, she has found work that she loves! She is both a natural storyteller and a visual artist, so being a cinematographer plays to her strengths. But just as importantly, she is a teacher and a collaborator, also essential attributes when it comes to filmmaking, which is the ultimate collaboration.

When she answered a question about the obstacles she has faced as a black woman in the industry, she was brutally frank about the challenges. She spoke honestly and bravely about the injustices present for women and people of color, from only being considered for projects about black folks, to being mistaken for the talent or a food service worker upon her arrival on set.

Yet, despite these experiences, she has persevered and thrived. When asked by an audience member about fear of failure, her encouraging advice: to be courageous, do your homework, and don’t give in to your fears…mentioning how much one has to learn from their mistakes, made me proud!

She emphasized an openness to others and a commitment to make the most from every opportunity. Citing the recent cancellation of the SXSW Film Festival, where she was to have her first feature film “The Surrogate” premiere, she explained the importance of “what happens next.” The disappointment and frustration she felt were strong emotions to get through, but a quick pivot by the Director, Jeremy Hersh, and the entire filmmaking team allowed the film to be successfully reborn on Vimeo and other streaming sites.

When your children are young, it is hard to imagine their future journeys—which will be theirs alone to take—but communicating to them what’s important to you, will go a long way in helping them to create their own mottos and mantras.

While I may have witnessed the embodiment of values that I believe in, my daughter gets all the credit for working hard and going out into the world with courage, curiosity, and a positive attitude… words she could proudly display on her own coat-of-arms!

I am a parent and grandparent with over four decades of experience in early childhood education. I share my passion, wisdom and experience, with parents and the people who care for and about children at Little Folks Big Questions, where we're out to answer the questions parents face in today's world.

Photo: Canvas

There is robust research about the different factors that influence student achievement. While teacher skill and communication is important, there are a number of influential factors for student success that happen outside of school. In fact, research shows that supportive behavior from parents or guardians correlates with student achievement.

The link between parental support and student achievement is so robust that districts often have policies to encourage it and various funding sources for schools have been tied to it, but there are some activities that move the needle on student achievement further than others.

The different kinds of parental involvement sit along a spectrum—from simply being interested in your child’s education to activities like volunteering in the classroom or to chaperone field trips. The good news is that general measures of achievement like GPA are correlated with all kinds of involvement and that result has been seen across all age and income levels.

While there are many ways for parents to engage at school, the top four most impactful parent behaviors are: parent tutoring, supporting homework, communicating expectations about learning and academic socialization. Here’s a look at each.

Parent Tutoring

For the youngest learners in grades K to 3, research into reading acquisition has shown some interesting results. A 2008 analysis found that training parents to teach their children to read was far more effective than either teaching parents to listen to their children read aloud or having parents read aloud to their children. An earlier study in 2006 showed similar results for every content area and age level. Parent tutoring increased student achievement on both criterion and norm-referenced tests, no matter how long the tutoring sessions were or what kind of instruction or modeling was provided to the parents.

Supporting Homework

The effect of parent involvement in homework has been more mixed. One research report analyzing this topic found a strong link between increased achievement on almost any measure when parents regulate homework time and help students when they struggle. Regulations were household rules about when and where students complete homework. However, significant results were only found for elementary students and were not seen when parents simply monitored homework.

Communicating Expectations

The most generalizable impact has to do with parental expectations. Two reports from 2005 and 2009 looked at a variety of parent behaviors and found that parental expectations and parenting st‌yle were significant predictors of higher achievement in both elementary and middle school.

Academic Socialization

While most of the parental involvement research cites significant results in elementary grades, the final parent behavior, academic socialization, has been found to have significant correlations with higher student achievement in middle school. According to one 2009 study, academic socialization included parents’ expectations for academic achievement, fostering academic aspirations in children, discussing learning strategies and planning for children’s academic future.

Putting It All Together

When it comes to important parent behaviors, the four mentioned above are proven to be most impactful. Woven through each is the importance of clear and consistent communication. In addition, open lines of communication between parents and teachers are essential to student success. So often, parents receive a lot of handouts and emails only to file them away, never to be visited again. It’s important for parents to review what teachers send home. They should remain engaged with the teacher and ask clarifying questions when needed.

Yet, there will be times when lines of communication break down and additional assistance is needed. In these moments, parents have the right and responsibility to bring in the support of additional school administration, like a principal. It can be tricky to know when to call on the principal and everyone is different, but here is a general list to help parents and guardians.

When to call the principal…

1. When something changes at home—good or bad. Children often engage in unusual behaviors as a coping mechanism when they encounter a new situation at home like a new sibling or parent, moving to a new house or losing a loved one.

2. When you see behavior changes at home. Misbehavior at home can signal that your child is experiencing stress at school. Sometimes it’s safer to be naughty at home where everyone loves you unconditionally than it is to deal with something that’s bothering you at school.

3. When you appreciate anything the school or its personnel are doing. Working in public education is often difficult and stressful. Expressing your gratitude for the good things that happen in schools can not only light up a teacher or principal’s day, but good deeds and gratitude have lots of beneficial side effects for the giver.

When to NOT call the principal…

1. When you want to request a specific teacher for your student next year. We all want the very best for our kids so it’s tempting to try to stack the deck in their favor when it comes to the teachers they have. Schools consider lots of variables when making classroom assignments, including student personality. It might turn out that the teacher the school picked for your child is a better choice than the one your neighbor recommends.

2. When parking for a school event is terrible. Parking is always terrible. Get there early so you can find a spot and then just grin and bear it. There are more unpleasant things we do for our kids.

3. When you want to complain about a laundry list of things that happened in your child’s classroom. When your student shares things that happen during the day, remember that you’re only getting one side of the story. It’s often much more productive to chat with your child’s teacher first and only go to the principal if you have concerns after that.

We know that the most significant forms of parental involvement happen at home. By encouraging the activities that have a greater impact on achievement, remaining in communication with teachers and calling on the help of the principal when needed, we can ensure students have the best opportunity for success.

Hilary Scharton is the VP of Innovation, Instructure Canvas, the open online learning management system (LMS) that makes teaching and learning easier. 

If there’s one debate that refuses to die in my house, it’s the one on social media—is it a good or a bad thing?

Like most parents, I’m concerned that teens spend too much time on social media. It’s too distracting. Every time my teens are home, they seem to have their faces glued on their screens: swiping, typing, liking and commenting on their favorite social media sites. They seem oblivious to the world around them and I often find myself berating them for not being present in the moment. Additionally, I’m guilty of bemoaning the fact that most of their interactions happen via social media and not face to face with their friends.

Other than its addictive nature, I also fret about my teens’ safety on social media sites. I find myself worrying about them being approached by online predators or becoming victims of cyberbullying. I mean, who really knows who is behind those screens and what their intentions are?

Plus, it’s hard to ignore all those studies telling us how bad social media is for our mental health. Sure, we know that what is on social media is heavily curated but that doesn’t stop us from making unhealthy comparisons with the perfectly filtered lives we’re bombarded with. If we adults constantly fall into that trap, how much more vulnerable are our teens, considering how impressionable they are?

Different Sides of the Same Coin

Being a concerned parent, I brought up the issue with my teens and their response surprised me. They not only opened my eyes to the upside of social media but also gave me insight into just how differently adults and teens view it.

As you can tell from my concerns above, we adults mostly view social media with suspicion, especially where our teens are concerned.

However, teens see social media as an outlet of self-expression and it allows them to experiment and explore various ways of expressing themselves.

My teen son, for example, tells me that if it wasn’t for social media, he’d never have discovered his love for drawing. He shares his art with his friends and this gives him a sense of identity. He feels seen and he gets a sense of belonging by connecting with others who share his love for drawing and animation.

My teen daughter, on the other hand, is a selfie queen. What I see as narcissistic behavior is her own form of self-expression. As Taylor Fang, winner of the MIT youth essay contest on “What Adults are Missing about Technology” says, selfies aren’t just pictures, they are self-portraits that represent teens’ ideas of self. They’re important and meaningful modes of self-representation.

My teens also pointed out that using social media and communicating with people from different countries and backgrounds raises their awareness of the world around them. It helps them understand how the world works and gives them a chance to carve their niche.

So while we adults are busy highlighting the negatives of social media, our teens are using those platforms to discover and nurture their passions, build their identities and search for their creative selves. They have created communities based on common interests and have found countless ways of expressing themselves.

Finding the Middle Ground

Ever since my teens’ revelations on social media, I challenged myself to look at things differently and I encouraged them to use social media platforms more meaningfully. Instead of passively consuming what they come across on different sites, I challenged them to become active participants by initiating deep conversations online.

Nowadays they create their own content as well as share and invite discussions on social media. This makes their social media time more useful, engaging and productive.

As parents, maybe we can learn from our teenagers and acknowledge that there is so much more to social media than the negatives. Used productively, social media can be a powerful tool for connection, self-discovery, and self-expression

Tyler Jacobson is a happy husband, father of three, writer and outreach specialist with experience with organizations that help troubled teens and parents. His areas of focus include: parenting, social media, addiction, mental illness, and issues facing teenagers today.

 

New research from Princeton University has found a connection between adults’ and infants’ brains during natural play.

The study, which was published in the December issue of the journal Psychological Science, looked at how an adult’s brain syncs up with a baby’s brain (and vice versa) during direct one-on-one play.

photo: Daria Shevtsova via Pexels

Instead of the typical functional MRI technology researchers use to study the brain’s behavior, this study used functional near-infrared spectroscopy or fNIRS. The fNIRS technology allowed the researchers to measure blood oxygenation as a proxy for neural activity.

So what did the study find? When an adult researcher talked, read or sung to a baby (who was seated on their parent’s lab), both the adult’s and the baby’s brains were synchronized. When the researcher turned away from the baby to talk, the synchronization stopped.

Elise Piazza, an associate research scholar in the Princeton Neuroscience Institute, said in a press statement, “Previous research has shown that adults’ brains sync up when they watch movies and listen to stories, but little is known about how this ‘neural synchrony’ develops in the first years of life.”

Piazza added, “While communicating, the adult and child seem to form a feedback loop. That is, the adult’s brain seemed to predict when the infants would smile, the infants’ brains anticipated when the adult would use more ‘baby talk,’ and both brains tracked joint eye contact and joint attention to toys. So, when a baby and adult play together, their brains influence each other in dynamic ways.”

—Erica Loop

 

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Long before Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch became tributes, rebellion tore Panem apart. And according to recent reports, the now-iconic author of The Hunger Games trilogy, Suzanne Collins, is bringing us back to her post-apocalyptic world for a glimpse into the past.

Collins recently revealed that she will release a new prequel to The Hunger Games series on May 19, 2020. While the novel is yet unnamed, the novel is set 64 years before the first book in the original trilogy.

So what can you expect from Collins’ new prequel? According to the Associated Press, the author said, “With this book, I wanted to explore the state of nature, who we are, and what we perceive is required for our survival.” Collins went on to add, “The reconstruction period 10 years after the war, commonly referred to as the Dark Days—as the country of Panem struggles back to its feet—provides fertile ground for characters to grapple with these questions and thereby define their views of humanity.”

If you’re wondering if the yet-to-be-titled prequel will join Collins’ other books in movie form, the answer is possibly yes. Even though Lionsgate, the production company that released the first four films, hasn’t officially confirmed the rumors, Joe Drake, chairman of the Lionsgate Motion Picture Group, told the Associated Press, “As the proud home of the ‘Hunger Games’ movies, we can hardly wait for Suzanne’s next book to be published. We’ve been communicating with her during the writing process and we look forward to continuing to work closely with her on the movie.”

—Erica Loop

Featured photo: The Hunger Games via Instagram 

 

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photo: sathyatripodi via Pixabay

A new baby in the house changes everything. A new brother or sister sounds like a great idea, but once the squalling bundle comes home, it can be a different story! These books face the issue head-on with humor and a knowing wisdom for a smoother transition.

Use Your Words, Sophie

Authored and illustrated by Rosemary Wells

Use Your Words, Sophie is a sweet preschooler book geared toward welcoming and communicating with a new sibling.

Recommended for ages 3 and older

Quality: 4 out of 5

(Viking, 2015)

Wolfie the Bunny

Authored by Ame Dyckman

Illustrated by Zachariah O'Hora

Wolfie the Bunny is a completely fresh take on the arrival of a new sibling. If kids see the new baby as a wolf in baby's clothing, they'll relate to little Dot, a bunny whose family comes home to their city stoop to discover a basket with a baby wolf.

Recommended for ages 3 and older

Quality: 5 out of 5

(Little, Brown Books for Young Readers, 2015)

Behold! A Baby

Authored by Stephanie Watson

Illustrated by Joy Ang

In this new-baby book, the boom-voiced announcer dad and the boy's irritated retorts make for a fun, theatrical read-aloud with a familiar emotional arc: Boy hates baby, boy learns to love baby.

Recommended for ages 3 and older

Quality: 3 out of 5

(Bloomsbury Children’s Books, 2015)

Gwendolyn Grace

Authored and illustrated by Katherine Hannigan

This light, bright bouncy story about a rambunctious little alligator in a pink tutu would be a perfect read for anyone introducing a new baby to a slightly older sibling.

Recommended for ages 4 and older

Quality: 4 out of 5

(Greenwillow Books, 2015)

Lazy Little Loafers

Authored by Susan Orlean

Illustrated b y G. Brian Karas

This charming and humorous book refers to babies as "lazy little loafers" and questions whether these creatures contribute anything to the world. It's the perfect read for an older sibling who has to head off to school while the younger sibling stays home and plays.

Recommended for ages 4 and older

Quality: 4 out of 5

(Abrams Books for Young Readers, 2008)

Little Miss, Big Sis

Authored by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

Illustrated by Peter H. Reynolds

Little Miss, Big Sis emphasizes the joys and rewards of being an older sibling. Jealousy doesn't rear its head in this story. The rewards and closeness grow as the sisters do.

Recommended for ages 4 and older

Quality: 4 out of 5

(Harper, 2015)

Mail Harry to the Moon!

Authored by Robie H. Harris

Illustrated by Michael Emberley

Likely every kid who's become a big sibling will relate to the feelings described in this book, and reading the story will give them the opportunity to explore those feelings without guilt, and with a happy ending.

Recommended for ages 4 and older

Quality: 4 out of 5

(Little, Brown and Company, 2008)

The Year of the Baby: Anna Wang, Book 2

Authored by Andrea Cheng

Illustrated by Patrice Barton

The Year of the Baby, a follow-up to <a target="_blank" href="https://www.commonsensemedia.org/book-reviews/the-year-of-the-book">The Year of the Book</a>, is a sweet story about an older sister concerned about the health of her adopted baby sister. Anna's full of curiosity about what baby Kaylee's life was like in China, where she was abandoned by her family and left at an orphanage.

Recommended for ages 6 and older

Quality: 4 out of 5

(Houghton Mifflin Children’s Books, 2013)

For more family-themed books and books for the youngest readers, check out our lists of Books About Families and Best Books for Babies and Toddlers.

—Common Sense Media

 

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Common Sense Media
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Common Sense Media is an independent nonprofit organization offering unbiased ratings and trusted advice to help families make smart media and technology choices. Check out our ratings and recommendations at www.commonsense.org.

I’m no therapist, counselor or psychologist. However, I am a woman, mother and wife and I have and still am experiencing the growing pains of having a beautifully blended family. I speak from the perspective of experience.

About 9 years ago, I made the tough decision to leave a marriage that had been unhealthy for a number of reasons. Due to legal issues and other heartbreaking details, his time with the children was very limited. I spent about a year as a newly single woman, since the age of 17. I was single with two bright little boys depending on me. Imagine the whole new scary world of dating!

Thankfully, it didn’t take too many toads to find my prince. I met my now husband through a mutual friend, I literally realized he was the man I wanted on the top of mountain, while hiking with friends, odd yet kind of sweet.

We fell for each other immediately, we loved each other. I made it clear that loving me met loving and caring for my children as well. My poor soon to be husband, was like a fish out of water. As a man who spent all his life caring for himself and no one else, not having to share space, food, money, resources or even sharing to woman he loved he was in for a heck of a ride.

He was stepping into established relationships; in essence, he was a stranger. He had to find a way to make his stamp on his new family and his new-found responsibility. He was stepping into their territory, this was going to be a huge test. He had to step up and I don’t speculate he was ready for the whirlwind that is blended parenting.

The boys loved him, however they didn’t like listening to a man who “wasn’t their dad,” that’s a hard pill to swallow for all parties involved. Their new step-father was new to this game and he didn’t have the fatherly companionship they needed. He spent most of his time unknowingly being a stickler for all the wrong reasons, the bed wasn’t made, someone spilled juice during dinner, there was a toy left in the living room, things only a man who never lived with children would stress over.

This stress seemed to make us all walk on eggshells. He felt unwanted in the family and all we wanted was understanding. Looking back, it was us against him, he didn’t understand us and I took no time to try to understand him. He was struggling with his new role and more than a few times we wanted to throw in the towel.

I struggled with letting go and allowing him to help me parent (within reason of course). I am still working on breaking that toxic habit, I too am still a work in progress. I think the children struggled with feeling as if they were betraying or forgetting about their biological father. There were so many emotions tied to this one thing we all had in common, love. We loved one another to no end. That was a fact, but love doesn’t compensate for all. We had to learn how to make this work. Looking back, we had to focus on three key points to make this work.

When in doubt, over-communicate.

Communication is key to understanding one another. We had to learn HOW to communicate, how to challenge to emotions that made us want to rip each other’s heads off and learn how to breath and talk.

I remember being particularly upset with my husband, because I didn’t feel as if he took the struggles the children faced in school in to consideration. He thought “a bad grade was just a kid not trying hard enough.” We know that’s not always the case, the boys faced many struggles in school and they shouldn’t have to face them at home. We blew up at each other over it, we weren’t effectively communicating. I needed him to understand their struggles, I needed him to get that this wasn’t a matter of laziness, but a matter of learning disabilities and struggles.

It took more than one fight, but we began to learn each other, we learned our “trigger” words and we learned when to say “I think we need to stop and trace back to when this went wrong.” We also had to learn how to communicate with the boys, communicating with children, especially boys, isn’t as easy as it seems. We had to learn what type of communication worked best for them, we had to learn how we could get the most out of them, without being too pushy.

The step-parent is not a replacement.

We made it particularly clear from the beginning that he was not here to replace their biological father. It was important to us that they didn’t feel they were being placed in this new family unit, sans their Father. We needed them to understand that we loved them unconditionally and that meant loving every part of them. Their father was a part of them.

Trust is always at the heart.

This is a tough one, still to this day. We had to learn how to trust each other. I had to learn and trust that my new partner was in this to win it and that he had our best interest at heart. The boys had to trust that he truly loved and cared for them. They had to know that he was there for them, no matter what and that he would make the time to love and bond with them, like his own. We are still building trust till this very day, but our hearts and minds are open to building this unbreakable bond.

There is nothing easy about blending families. Resilience is key, to battling to many challenges. We have had a heck of ride! We recently decided to add a third little one to this mixed up bunch. The decision was to add to our little blended world, was a carefully thought out decision. We wanted to be sure that our boys knew how important they were to us and how this would only add to our beautifully blended family.

There is no magic wand or secret formula, that keeps this blended machine going. If all parties involved are open to continuous growth, the hurdles, are just that, a temporary obstacle.

I am just regular mom of three wonderful boys and a married to the love of my life! I hope to reach people through writing and expressing my true experiences. My goal is to help a parent realize that no matter the struggle, they are not alone in the journey!