Sometimes I want to give up on this couple smiling in the photo.

Sometimes I want to give up on the stability, the memories, the relationship built over 22 years. Sometimes I want to leave the man who gets frustrated too easily or often doesn’t see the world the way I do or still leaves the toilet seat up upon occasion. Sometimes I crave a simpler life, one without conflict or obligation or concessions.

Because sometimes marriage is just hard, too hard to see through to the end.

The smiling woman in the photo is not the same person at 44 as she was when she met this man at 22. She is hardened and jaded and often feels broken. She shows more compassion to those in pain because she also suffers, yet sometimes she forgets to dispense empathy to those closest to her. She puts others’ needs before hers because that is simply what mothers do—although sometimes she resents it. She loves hard and full and fierce, but sometimes she wonders if that is enough.

Sometimes I want to give up on this marriage—and I’m not sure what stops me.

Certainly, it is the three young faces that stare back at me over the family dinner table. It may be the fear of living a life without a partner. Perhaps it is the complication of separating two intertwined lives or the thought that the grass is always greener on the other side.

It would not be uncommon or unusual. Many friends entering mid-life echo my sentiments, struggling to keep their marriages afloat, some with more success than others. I’ve watched couples disintegrate before my eyes because of tragedy or betrayal, and other unions slowly rip at the seams because two people grew apart or sought different lives.

So, sometimes, when I want to give up, I look—I mean really look—at the pictures of us. I see the multitude of lines that adorn our faces, the result of so much joy and laughter shared between two souls. Each smile reminds me that we overcame the pain of miscarriages and infertility and deaths and illnesses only because of the strength of the other. The sight of us touching reminds me of the thousands of embraces we’ve shared over two decades and how when he reaches back to grab my hand in a crowd, it still takes my breath away.

And I look into his eyes, and I see that he is still the most decent man I have ever known.

Sometimes marriage is hard, harder than maybe it should be. Giving up may be logical, easier, or sometimes even the right thing to do.

Sometimes I want to give up on this man, but not today.

Because although I’m in the season of marriage that is difficult and exhausting and hard, in these pictures and in this life, there is always a new reason to fall in love with him all over again if I look hard enough.

So, in those times when I want to give up on this couple smiling in the photo, I am reminded that for our marriage “joy cometh in the morning,” as it always does.

As I hope it always will.

Whitney is a freelance writer, social media manager and blogger at Playdates on Fridays, where she discusses family, relationships and w(h)ine. She is an expert in carpool logistics, coffee and making to-go dinners for her family to eat in the minivan. She resides in the suburbs of Chicago with her three tween daughters, husband and her dog that acts more like a cat, Jax.

President’s Day just might be the perfect opportunity to check in with your kiddos to find out what their first order of business would be if they were in charge. Take five today and ask your child to finish the sentence, “If I were the President I would…” We asked a few kiddos the question and the results are compassionate, heartwarming and also, hilarious. Scroll down to see their answers.

Miles (4): "I’d make less bad guys."

Huck (6):
-I'd find out if aliens exist so we could steal their technology.
-I'd make baseball season year-round.

Gigi (4): "Everyone has to wear dresses."

Goldie (2): "Baba?"

Olivia (7): "I would be a good president and it's a free country."

Amelie (6): "I would change laws that are unfair."

Cody (3): "I’d make people go for walks and drive all the cars."

Emerson (3): "I would make everyone eat chocolate ice cream for breakfast." 

For these five kids, their answers from 4 years ago changed quite a bit:

Nora (age 10): "I would give my job to somebody else."
Nora (now 13): "I would get rid of the electoral college so it's an actual democracy and make voting more accessible for everyone."

Patrick (age 8):"I would make the Army stronger so that people would stop doing bad things."
Patrick (now 11): "I would make Washington DC a state."

Joe (age 6): "I would lay there and eat chips."
Joe (now 10): "I would not be racist."

Henrik (5): “I would make sure there were no bullies. And have more shops and even more and more and more 'candyland' places and ice cream shops.”
Henrik (now 9): "Fart in the white house. Loud." 

Mozelle (7) told us: ”I would tell people what to do.”
Mozelle (now 11): “I’d get a nicer phone than you, and I’d give poor people money and food.” 

 

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Mckenzie (7): "I would make sure all the homeless people and pets have homes to live in."

Trey (5): ”I would make sure that people respected each other's feelings and that no one felt bad about themselves.”

”My 2nd grader would give everyone a football and make sure they had shoes. My 5-year-old would make people happy by sending them cards and free ice cream. My 2-year-old's response was "no." Just "no."”

One 10-year-old said: "End homelessness and factory farming." 

And her 7-year-old brother added: "Have a big dance party and pair people from different races as dance partners."

According to Blake (8), he would: "Give people money, help the orphanages, give everyone two weeks off at Christmas and make cars less expensive.”

Aiden (13): "End world hunger."

Zach (17):
#1 - "Mandatory Teeth Brushing"
#2 - "Zombie Preparedness"
#3 - "Fund Time Travel"
#4 - "Free Ponies for all Americans"

A happy kid, he may have been born in August. People born in August are very happy most of the time.
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Sophie (5): “I would make sure every kid had a house to live in.”

Riley(7): “I would build the entire country out of LEGOs.“

Molly: "I would say that there should be no more wars, ever.”

Jacob: "I would conquer the world.”

Nate (8) writes:
If I were president I would:
-Make no school.
-Let kids make the rules.
-Make everything free.
-Let dogs do whatever they want.
-Have a parade.

Ava (13): "I would eliminate the death penalty and remove any anti-LGBTQ and anti-Black laws or regulations so we can have a more equal society."

Tyler (10): said he would "Pass a bill that kids go to school MWF one week and TTH the following week and so on."

Mason (11): "I would address COVID."

Maddie (7): "I would demand that black people be treated fairly."

5-year-old twins Emme: "I would help people," and Ezra, "I would let everyone do their own thing."

Ever (1): "Elmo!"

Sloane (5):  “I would make people be kind.” 

Allie (6): “I would tell people about the American flag.

Emmie (4): “I would make people eat lots of chicken."

Liam (2): "I would watch Pete’s Dragon.”

Wyatt (10): "I would find a way to evenly distribute money and food between the unlucky people and lucky people. I'd also expand the number of soup kitchens and give the homeless nicer clothes to help them stay warm and find a job. I'd help new businesses get on their feet when they have a good idea, but aren't known that much."

Tate (9): "I'd make a hotel that homeless people could go to for free and they'd be cared for there. I'd help foster children get adopted."

Toren (10): "Anything to save the environment."

Steiger (14): "Make electric cars cheaper and make a law that in 5 years all cars need to be electric."

Ben (8):
-I would make no school.
-I would invent a cool car that kids could drive.

Parker (6):
-I would let kids play their iPads whenever they want.
-I would make every day a birthday for everyone.

Jake (8): “I would help my sister, Lola get a toy she can’t reach."

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And finally, when one mom asked her son Watson (4) this question, this is how the conversation went: 
Me: What would you do if you were president?
Watson: Like right now?
Me: Yeah.
Watson: Am I gonna be president tomorrow?
Me: Um no. So what would you do if you were president?
Watson: Be good.

 

No matter how much you don’t want it to be, divorce is tough on kids. But having an open dialogue with children about the divorce process and how that can affect them helps to normalize their fears and frustrations. Whether it’s taking kids step-by-step through what happens or introducing characters that are relatable, these 12 books tackle divorce in ways that are compassionate and realistic.

If you buy something from the links in this article, we may earn affiliate commission or compensation.

 


What Happens When Parents Get Divorced?

$9.99 BUY NOW

Mom and author Sara Olsher wrote the book she wished she could have given her own daughter while they navigated her own divorce. Written with clear words and bright illustrations, this book shows kids that even though divorce is scary, it is something lots of families get through.

 


Weekends with Max and His Dad

$7 BUY NOW

It’s kinda weird for Max to go to an apartment where his dad now lives, and Max isn’t shy about letting his dad know. Told from the point of view of a kid whose parents have divorced, Max it’s an honest exploration of the emotions and challenges of day-to-day life after a divorce. Max makes some new friends and starts to think the apartment might not be so bad after all. Written by Linda Urban. Ages: 7-9

 


Roadtrip with Max and His Mom

$13 BUY NOW

Max and his mom are about to go on a road trip, but Max isn’t excited for it like he usually is. Because usually, his dad comes too. This adventurous book, a follow-up to Linda Urban’s Weekends with Max and His Dad, tackles the emotions a kid can feel after a divorce—like how something like a family vacation can seem less than thrilling when you are missing someone. Ages: 7-9


A Kids Book About Divorce

$19.95 BUY NOW

A Kids Book About series tackles tough topics and puts them into books designed to help normalize discussions around things like anxiety, depression, and divorce. Divorce is tough on the parents, yes, but it can be extra tricky to navigate with the kids. Written by a parent, Ashley Simpo, who has been there, this book is meant to spark an honest discussion about the topic. Ages 3 and up.


Fox: Family Change from Slumberkins

$45 BUY NOW

This plush animal and book set from Slumberkins is designed to support children through any kind of family change, divorce included. Help your littlest ones navigate big feelings as your family navigates change—Fox will help remind them it is not their fault, they are safe, loved, and their feelings are normal. Ages: 3-8


Dinosaurs Divorce

$9 BUY NOW

First published over 25 years ago, this innovative book has helped generations of families learn to talk about and navigate divorce. It’s a comprehensive guide in a language parents and kids can both understand, and tackles topics like having two homes, living with one parent, holidays and special occasions, stepfamilies, and more. Ages: 4-7


Two Homes

$7 BUY NOW

Claire Masurel’s little book is simple but incredibly impactful as it takes on a topic that can be very confusing to children during a divorce—living arrangements. The artwork by Kady McDonald Denton helps illustrate both the differences when Alex is at Mommy’s house and Daddy’s house, but also the similarities—in both homes Alex is loved and safe. Ages: 2-5


Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe's and Evan's Coping Guide for Kids

$10 BUY NOW

Written by brother and sister Zoe and Evan Stern, with a little help from their mom, Evelyn Stern, this is a first-hand account and coping guide for kids, by kids. Zoe and Evan know just how it feels when parents divorce—theirs split up when they were 15 and 13. They’ve created a positive guide for kids to explore and acknowledge the feelings that come up: guilt, anger, fear, new rules in new homes, blended families, and more. Ages: 8-12

 


Bigger Than a Bread Box

$8 BUY NOW

Twelve-year-old Rebecca’s life has changed pretty quickly, almost overnight. Her parents have separated and they’ve moved suddenly to live in Atlanta with Rebecca’s grandma. In Gran’s attic, Rebecca discovers a magic bread box, and it seems to help...at first. Rebecca can get anything she wishes for, as long as it fits inside the box. But soon she discovers the consequences to her wishes, and they aren’t all good. An interesting way to view divorce and the feelings kids have along with it. Ages: 8-12


Big & Little Questions (According to Wren Jo Byrd)

$10 BUY NOW

Nine-year-old Wren Jo Byrd’s parents separated over the summer, and now she’s starting a new school year. Wren does not want anyone to know, not even her best friend, Amber. But as the year progresses and a new girl enters the scene who wants to be friends with Wren, Wren struggles to keep her secrets—her dad lives somewhere else now, and things are not the same at her home with her mom. It’s a book about divorce, yes, but also about friendship, and trusting others with things we think should be kept secret. Ages: 7-9


The First Rule of Punk

$8 BUY NOW

What’s the first rule of punk? Be yourself. On the first day of a new school, twelve-year-old Malú (María Luisa, if you want to annoy her) doesn’t exactly have a smooth day: she violates the school’s dress code with her punk rock look and upsets Posada Middle School’s queen bee. But her dad, who now lives far away because her parents have divorced, reminds her, things get better if she just remembers what being punk really is. This awesome book by Celia C. Perez gives kids encouragement to be themselves and be strong even when there are big changes at home. Ages: 10-12


The Divorce Express

$9 BUY NOW

Many divorce books show kids living primarily with mom and spending time with dad on weekends, but that is not always the arrangement—and it’s not the arrangement in Paula Danziger’s book. Phoebe’s parents are divorced and now she’s living with her dad in the country, and taking the bus into the city on weekends to be with mom. Phoebe isn’t happy about it, but she’s getting used to it until her mom announces she’s getting remarried and everything changes again. Ages: 10 and up

—Amber Guetebier
Featured image courtesy of Slumberkins

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Photo: iStock

As children grow in the world, they start to slowly look out, and realize that there are other people besides themselves. As the selfish toddler years subside, you can slowly see children start to share, to worry over other’s pains and to think about what people around them would want or need. As a parent, teacher, or guardian, you want to help usher them into being compassionate people. You try to instil some values, some insights, and some moral understanding; but you are also just hoping for the best. Things like TV, school, other children and external stresses can set the wrong example for kids or lead them in a direction you’d rather help them turn from.

Chris Parson’s book, “A Little Spark” helps us realize the kind of resources we have on our side. The story follows the adventures of a little mouse (Spark), and through his diverse trials and tribulations, he learns the importance of believing in himself, not judging others without knowing where they’re coming from, the value of friendship and the essential nature of forgiveness.

It is this cast of lively characters that can help further your discussions of empathy with the children in your life. Telling a child about the importance of sharing is one thing, but it is far more effective to illustrate this lesson through engaging storytelling. This is what “A Little Spark” is all about. The compelling story, hilarious, warm-hearted, or challenging characters and relatable scenarios make the book a great jumping-off point for framing talking points with your young listeners.

In fact, the book is great for entertainment and instruction between parents and children, but it’s actually suited for a lot more than that. Parsons’ vision for the future of his book is to see it used in classrooms and reading groups, to help foster conversations with children about topics of interest and worked with a first-grade class in Texas, in order to explore the applications of the book and its themes. He goes on to explain a little about their experience, “The teacher read the book, and the students listened to the music and discussed the lessons—the teacher, parents, and the kids loved it. Our goal moving forward is to develop a “Be That Spark” program for schools/caregivers focused on helping develop positive character traits in kids.”

How to Discuss Empathy with Children
If you would like to use the book as a way to broach the topic of empathy with your kids, there are some strategies to keep in mind. Try taking a situation from the book and asking how your child would have acted. Or choose a scenario from the book and apply it to the child’s life: how would the child deal with someone who needed help or could benefit from sharing? Ask the child to explain the character’s motivations for being sympathetic or empathetic. And you can also discuss what the word means to you and to them.

During the Discussion, Identify & Reflect on People’s Empathy
Children gain a better understanding of a topic by identifying an action of someone they know during a discussion. While teaching them about empathy, show them an act of kindness and selflessness performed by someone they had seen before, emphasizing both the immediate and long-term benefits of such activity. Furthermore, by appreciating such acts of empathy, the children learn to accept and imbibe the virtue quite easily.

Ask Them to Describe How They Feel When They Show Kindness to Their Friends
Discussing empathy with children should begin with obtaining their understanding of acts of kindness demonstrated between them and their peers. This should be accomplished through the use of subtle questions designed to elicit their natural perspective on empathy. You can ask them how they feel if a classmate is having lunch and has enough of it to spare but refuses to share it with another classmate who has nothing. Make them understand that even the smallest act of kindness, if shown to the classmate without lunch, can go a long way towards relieving his or her hunger and ensuring he/she feels the company of his/her classmates. In a variety of other situations, the emphasis should be on the fact that it is humane to show empathy.

Being aware of and caring about the feelings of others is a quality that everyone should strive for, and it is best instilled in children. Making them aware of this feeling and demonstrating it necessitates a thoughtful discussion. The focus of all discussions with the children should be on identifying the attributes of empathy as it manifests itself in the various situations brought to the children’s attention.

Chris Parsons grew up in Flatrock, Newfoundland. After many years of telling his stories, he published his first book "A Little Spark" in October 2020. The book is a fully illustrated chapter book - complete with a Soundtrack and Audiobook. The book recently received the Mom's Choice Gold Medal. He resides in Dallas.

Babies are lots of things—precious, sweet, funny, adorable, the list goes on. But one thing they are not? Easy. And that applies whether you’re a first-timer or a seasoned pro at the mom game. The good thing is, you’re not alone in navigating the crazy, messy, amazing journey of being a baby mama. Those who have gone before are always ready to offer their best advice. Here are 25 short-and-sweet parenting tips on everything from sleep and must-have baby gear to self-care.

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1. Go slow and spend lots of time at home. It will keep mommy and baby healthy.

2. Have a routine and stick to it.

3. When in doubt, put them on the boob or add water (bath, shower, sprinkler, hydrate).

4. Don't scroll Facebook while you nurse in the middle of the night. It’s harder to get back to sleep, and you’ll miss out on savoring the time with your baby. It really goes by so quickly, although it doesn't feel like when you're nursing several hours a day!

5. Never wake a sleeping baby.

mom and newborn baby
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6. Oldest and best advice in the book: Rest when they rest. Housework can wait.

7. Babies get bored, too! A change of scenery, like a walk around the neighborhood, can work wonders on a grumpy baby.

8. Find your village and ask for help. And if someone offers to come help if you need a shower or a nap, or to do the dishes, take them up on it!

9. There is no such thing as holding your baby too much. Embrace the little moments, be present, and enjoy that little person.

10. If the baby is fed, clothed, and loved, you’re doing everything right. There will be a million opinions on your parenting, so be kind to yourself as long as you know you’re doing your best.

11. Be patient with yourself and baby. You are both new at this. It takes time to get into the swing of things.

12. Tomorrow is a new day.

William Fortunato via Pexels

13. Take time for yourself. When your needs are met, you are more centered, patient and compassionate.

14. Don’t spend tons of money on baby clothes right away. There is ALWAYS a mom who is desperate to get rid of all the cute little outfits she sadly never got to use because babies grow out of things so fast.

15. Electric nail file. #gamechanger

16. Onesie pajamas with zippers only…unless, of course, fumbling with snaps when you’re bleary-eyed and half-asleep during middle-of-the-night diaper changes sounds like fun.

17. Try out different baby carriers until you find one that works for you, then baby wear as much as you can. It makes things so much easier.

18. Velcro swaddlessafe and snug.

19. Gripe water!

20. If you have anxiety while baby is sleeping, get an Owlet or other sleep monitor. Your rest is worth it.

Polina Tankilevitch via Pexels

21. Go with your instinctsthe mom gut is always right.

22. It’s said often because it’s so true: The days may seem long, but the years are short.

23. Do what works for your baby, and don't worry about what anyone else says or does. What’s good for one person’s child may not be good for yours.

24. Don’t compare your baby’s milestones to those of other babies.

25. You are all that your baby needs!

Suzanna Logan

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What is systemic racism, or anti-racism? Tough questions that even adults can struggle to answer. American Girl has released a new advice book, A Smart Girl’s Guide: Race & Inclusion that will help readers 10 and up understand these concepts and more, plus help normalize the conversation around race.

You can buy the book online today for $12.99 and the it’s more than 100 pages, with full-color illustrations, tips, quizzes and challenges. It’s written by Deanna Singh, a highly respected thought leader and diversity and inclusion expert. Plus it benefits from expert advisors who reviewed the manuscript: Traci Baxley, Ed.D., a professor of multicultural education and curriculum and instruction at Florida Atlantic University; and Deborah Rivas-Drake, Ph.D., a professor of education and psychology at the University of Michigan, who works to disrupt racism and xenophobia.

“We’re proud to add Race & Inclusion to our popular Smart Girl’s Guide series, which has served as a trusted resource for our readers and their families for nearly three decades,” said Jamie Cygielman, General Manager of American Girl. “It’s our hope that the age-appropriate information and real-life guidance found in the book will be an important step for all those seeking to create a more compassionate world where everyone is treated fairly and with respect.”

Today’s release is part of American Girl’s commitment to engage more diverse voices and create new content to help advance racial equality. Among other initiatives, the brand recently launched Conversations for Change, a series that amplifies young women of various backgrounds and experiences making a difference in their communities. American Girl strives to help girls be their best and this new book will certainly make a difference!

––Sarah Shebek

Featured image courtesy of American Girl

 

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Photo: Canva Stock Photo

Ah yes, the toddler phase. Once the sweet yet exhausting infant days are over, the toddler years rush in. There may be a few months in-between of sweet and easy limbo, but once babies grow into full-blown toddlers, the challenges begin anew. 

Dealing with a toddler on a daily basis is no easy feat. Sure, they are adorable, and the rate they learn is astonishing and exciting. But tantrums, constant activity, running, strong little opinions, need for entertainment, all that talking and endless needs can really wear on a parent’s nerves.

It is really important for caregivers to care for themselves, too, especially in the toddler years. Below you will find a list of five ways you can stay sane and balanced while caring for a toddler. This list includes both things to do as well as ways to be to keep your mind centered, your nervous system more relaxed and your perspective healthy.

1. Cultivate Presence in the Moment: It is easy to get carried away by a toddler’s energy and activities. One minute they are destroying a lego mansion and the next they are running down the street with no pants on. If you as a caregiver are not able to maintain your sense of self and presence, you will get taken for a ride, frazzled, anxious and worn out.

A helpful way to cultivate more presence while care-taking is to bring part of your attention back to yourself and your own body, even while you are looking out for them. In times of relative calm, this split attention is possible and so helpful for cultivating a sense of peace within. 

Some tools you can use to do this include body and breath awareness. Feel your feet on the ground, notice your steps, notice your weight on the earth, notice how the ground feels beneath you. This will ground you and center your awareness back into your own body. Another way is to notice your breath and breathe deeper or focus on the exhale to calm anxiety. One example of this is to inhale for 4 counts and exhale for 8 counts. Repeat as many times as necessary.

These simple yet profound practices will help you to feel more sane and centered while caring for a toddler.

2. Meditate during Nap Time or When You Have Breaks: I know this one is hard for most people, myself included at times. It is so tempting to do something else during downtimes to get things done or to just veg out. But, instead of scrolling on Instagram, making endless to-do lists or scrambling to clean the kitchen, spend that precious quiet time really resourcing yourself with the practice of mindfulness meditation so that when the tornado starts again you are in a calm and balanced place. You can scroll and make lists later. If you don’t know how to meditate, invest a little time and energy into a mindfulness meditation course, many of which can be found online. You will be amazed at how much this simple and ancient practice will enhance your life and sanity.

3. Regularly Schedule in Alone Time: The next important part of keeping your cool while care-taking a toddler is to take quality time off as often as you can. Find a sitter or enlist dad, another family member or friend to be with the kids once a week or a few times a month. Don’t just wait until you are at an emergency state of freak-out in order to get some time off. Plan ahead and do it often, even when you feel like a super mom that can handle anything.

During your alone time, do things that truly nourish you. Don’t go shopping at Target or clean during that time. Don’t go to a class either. You can do that another time. Spend this special time really cultivating your relationship with yourself, your own body, breath, and mind-space. Go on a nature walk. Meditate. Go for a swim. Read a book by the ocean or in a forest. Write in your journal. Do a solo yoga practice at the park. Walk the urban streets aimlessly and take in the culture, people and vibes. Whatever makes you feel alive, fueled up, chilled out and like yourself. 

Even if you have to hire a sitter, do it. It will help you keep your sanity and a more joyful perspective when you are with your kid and doing your mom duties day after day.

4. Be Flexible: When caring for a toddler, especially when trying to do something outside of the house, things will not go as you plan. Expect this. Let go of expectations around when, where and how. Be forgiving of yourself if you miss playdates or are late, and ask that your friends or hosts be forgiving as well. Bring snacks wherever you go, and be open to a change of plans like an impromptu snack picnic on the sidewalk or a stop at the swings at the park on the way to the restaurant. The more relaxed you can be about your plans and accomplishments for the day with a toddler, the more fun you both will have, and the less stressed out you will be. The saying “go with the flow,” is so relevant to toddler care-taking. 

5. Be Compassionate with Yourself: This is perhaps the most important step. Cultivating a sense of self-compassion creates real mental health and wellbeing, especially as a parent. And, often, it is so hard to do. But, learning to be nice to yourself in your own head, even when things aren’t going well, will help you feel sane and balanced, even on the hard days.

If you lose your temper, that’s ok. If you don’t even get out of the house all day, that’s ok. If everything is still a mess when you go to sleep, that’s ok. Caring for a toddler is chaos sometimes, and really hard. If you find yourself yelling back at them sometimes, even though you read in all the parenting books that you’re not supposed to do that, it’s ok. None of that makes you a bad mom or a bad person. 

Be easy on yourself during these toddler years. Let things be messy, let yourself make mistakes, and let it not mean anything about you as a person. You are human, with your own feelings and with so much else to manage. Cut yourself slack, be kind to yourself in your own head, forgive yourself when things go awry, and remind yourself always that you are doing the best that you can.

The toddler years will pass in time, and the next challenging phase will begin. So learn to master these tools to care for your own inner peace, and it will pay off for the rest of your life. Take time off, cultivate your presence, be flexible, be compassionate with yourself and learn to truly nourish yourself when you have quiet moments, and you will be well on the road to truly maintaining your sanity and balance even while caring for toddlers.

 

 

Flow is an Author and Memoir Writing Coach for Womxn. Feeling the call to write your true life story into a book that inspires? Sign up to join a Free Memoir Writing Breakthrough Workshop through her website, and get the clarity and momentum you need to make it happen.

If there is one thing we have learned over the past few months, we have come to see the importance of raising our children to make the world a better place through their actions and reactions to what is going on around them. As their first teacher, there are many virtues parents look to model for their little ones. According to a new Parents survey, Kindness is the most important value parents want to instill in their children, topping intelligence and strong work ethic. 

kids

Parents today announced the results of its first-ever Parents Values Study which reveals that although parents believe raising kind children is the most important value they can instill, they  also believe that kids today are less kind than past generations. The study, which uncovers insights about American  parents’ biggest parenting challenges, concerns and priorities, as well as their views about their own parenting skills and parenting in the pandemic, is highlighted in Parents‘ second annual special November Kindness Issue and on parents.com/kindness.

Moms were asked to select the top three qualities they most hope to instill their children. The top selections are:

  1. Kindness (73%)
  2. Love of family (68%)
  3. Intelligence (51%)
  4. Strong work ethic (51%)
  5. Individuality (31%)

Julia Edelstein, Editor in Chief of Parents said, “As a mother, I care more about instilling kindness in my kids than any other trait, and it turns out that the vast majority of parents are on the exact same page. One of the many things that the pandemic has taught us is that kindness is a life-giving force, and we need more of it. With that said, one of the most disappointing findings from this study is that although our priorities are aligned when it comes to raising kind kids, most moms don’t see kindness reflected in kids’ behavior today. We have a lot of work to do, but we will get there. Parents‘ November issue—our second annual kindness issue–is a roadmap to prioritizing kindness in your family, and raising truly kind people.” 

To help parents in their effort to raise kind, compassionate people, the Parents special November Kindness issue has a collection of articles offering feel-good stories, profiles of inspiring families who stepped up in big ways and small during the pandemic, expert insights and creative ways that parents can take action.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: 🇸🇮 Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

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My Dear Son,

Being an older brother to a sibling with severe autism has not always been easy. It’s a job you never asked for but one you took in stride. At times, it was very difficult, and that is putting mildly. Thank you for loving your little sister wholeheartedly. You were her light in the darkest of times, especially when her life was filled with sensory overload, and nothing made sense to her little body, and she was completely overwhelmed by our world. And when she would lash out and hurt you, and I would have to send you out of the room—you never got mad at her and always adored her.

Thank you for letting her follow you around and always being there to hug her and tickle her, doing whatever made her happy. Thank you for getting down on the floor with her and playing her way, for connecting with her in any way you could.

Thank you for being a loyal big brother and always protecting her when others had no understanding of autism, for loving her and trying to reach her even when she seemed unreachable, for never giving up, and for understanding that her brain worked differently and that it wasn’t her fault.

How could you understand this at 5 years old? You never stayed mad or blamed her.

Thank for being the happiest, easiest-going little boy, especially when my heart was breaking in to pieces trying to come to grips with a life-altering diagnosis. Thank you for understanding that we couldn’t go to playdates because her behavior was so unpredictable. Thank you for never taking out your frustration on her when I know you were disappointed, and for understanding how much extra care and supervision she needed and never complaining.

Thank you for going along with me when I needed that family photo, you know, the ones where you had to smile for fifteen minutes while I chased her and all but wrestled her down. Thank you for holding her tight so I could get that picture while she tried to push you away, kick or roll over you—you took it all in stride. You couldn’t have known how much it meant to me to get that picture. I just wanted a picture of my two beautiful children. I needed some kind of normalcy even though our life was anything but.

There are a thousand examples of how things went awry, things you lost out on, had to give up, had to leave in the middle of—and yes, it was disappointing at times. But your love for her, your connection, never wavered.

I tried my hardest to make it up to you. I tried to spend alone time with you, have others take you out so you could get a break, bring you places, spoil you. You had every video game and Pokémon card that could be bought. Your nana, your grandparents, and aunties saw it, too, and they tried to make it up to you, too.

But how can you make up for a lost childhood, for having to grow up too fast? You can’t. And I’ve felt torn in two at times. My love for both of you so strong, but her needs surpass yours, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

And then came your sisters: two girls, two years apart. A whirlwind you could say, and again you stepped up. Thank you for all the bottle holding, and baby loving, and dealing with all the madness that went along with it. And then things got better a little easier, and you got to be a different kind of big brother.

I’ve read about siblings of Special Needs children; they are sometimes referred to as “glass children.” It means that parents are so consumed with the special needs child that they look right through you and don’t even see you, as if you are a piece of glass.

I immediately asked myself, “Did I do that!? Did you feel invisible like you didn’t matter?” I have handled a lot but I don’t think I can handle this—my mama guilt is coming on full force, I already carry so much.

So I came to you and asked you. Looking you right in the eye, as I tried to hide the fact that my heart was shattering again even considering this. I asked you to be honest; I needed to know. And you told me that you felt like you missed out on opportunities that you could have had. If it wasn’t for having a sister with special needs, that your life would have been different. But you went on to say that it’s ok, and it’s not her fault and it’s not my fault, it’s just what is.

I cry as I type this because it feels like an impossible job to be pulled into all different directions for all these years and feeling that I didn’t get it right. There is no easy answer. But today it doesn’t matter to you, today you just love her for who she is just like always. Today you make time to hug her to make her laugh.

I know you don’t need thanks or even expect it but you sure deserve it. I am sorry that I couldn’t always be the mother I wanted to be for you, that I was pulled into the uncharted waters of having a child with a disability, and some days I could barely keep my head above water.

But you need to know that I thank you for being my life raft even though that was not supposed to be your job. I know this has made you stronger and more compassionate, you are a better person for loving her, for having her in your life.

Thank you for being the best big brother she could ever have.

Love,

Mom

Kim McIsaac , is a blogger at autism adventures with Alyssa . She resides in Massachusetts with her husband and four children .  She advocates and passionate about spreading autism awareness and educating and inspiring others . She likes to write , spend time with her  family and loves the beach . 

What is a birth plan? It’s the foundation for the birth experience you want to have, with steps laid out to help you get there. Of course, labor and delivery don’t always go as expected. But having a plan you’ve shared it with your birthing team makes the unexpected much more manageable. Read on for four steps on writing a birth plan to help you get ready, and feel ready, for the big day.

A mom to be in a green dress embraces her pregnant belly as she wonders how to tell the gender of her baby
Camylla Battani via Unsplash

1. Do your research.
Before you start drafting your birth plan, figure out your options. Talk to your mom friends, read books, and try to visualize what your dream birth experience looks like to you. During this step, you'll want to consider things like:

  • who you'll want in the birthing room with you
  • your preferred style of birthing or position
  • how you'd like to manage pain
  • options for Cesarian birth
  • what you'd like to happen in case of an emergency

Each of these components is a very personal choices, and knowing all of your options is crucial to making the best choice for you.

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2. Make your birth plan clear and concise.
The last thing you'll want to do while you're in labor is have to explain yourself. That's the main reason you've created a birth plan. As with any good plan, it needs to cater the person reading it. Your doctor or midwife, partner and labor and delivery nurses should not have to guess what you mean. Make sure they can quickly and easily understand your vision and what you want at different times throughout your entire experience. Keep your plan to one page and use these topics as a birth guide template:

  • requests before birth
  • requests during labor and delivery
  • vaginal vs. C-section birth preferences
  • requests for newborn care

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3. Share and discuss your plan by your 34th week.
Discuss your plan with your partner and doctor or midwife by your 34th week of pregnancy. This step allows you to confirm that what you'd like to happen is doable and that your team is all on the same page. Print out at least four copies: one for your doctor or midwife, one that stays with your partner, one for the birthing center and one for your hospital bag.

Sharon McCutcheon via Unsplash

4. Be flexible.
No matter how much you've planned and written about what you'd like to happen during labor and delivery, things might not go as expected. In some ways, the flexibility you'll need to embrace during this time is the best preparation for parenthood. Check in with yourself and your breath and be compassionate to yourself during childbirth. We love this mom's story and declaration that a failed birth plan does not make you a failed mom.

—Aimee Della Bitta

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