ML Interest Tag: cry

Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You

By Celeste Erlach

Dear Husband,
I. need. more. help.

Last night was hard for you. I asked you to watch the baby so I could go to bed early. The baby was crying. Wailing, really. I could hear him from upstairs, and my stomach knotted from the sound, wondering if I should come down there and relieve you or just shut the door so I could get some desperately needed sleep. I chose the latter.

You came into the room 20 minutes later, with the baby still frantically crying. You placed the baby in the bassinet and gently pushed it just a few inches closer to my side of the bed, a clear gesture that you were done watching him.

I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to launch an epic fight that very moment. I had been watching the baby and the toddler all damn day. I was going to be waking up with the baby to feed him all damn night. The least you can do is hold him for a couple of hours in the evening so I can attempt to sleep.

Just a few hours of precious sleep. Is that too much to ask?

I know we both watched our parents fulfill the typical mother-father roles growing up. Both our mothers were the primary caretakers and our fathers were relatively hands-off. They were excellent dads, but they weren’t expected to spend a significant amount of time changing diapers, feeding, caring, and tending to the kids. Our mothers were the superwomen who maintained the family dynamics. Cooking, cleaning, and raising the children. Any help from dad was welcome but unexpected.

I see us falling into these family dynamics more and more each day. My responsibility to feed the family, keep the house clean, and take care of the kids is assumed, even as I return to work. I blame myself for most of it, too. I have set the precedent that I can do it. And in truth, I want to. No offense, but I’m not sure I want to know what a week’s worth of dinner would look like with you in charge.

I also see my friends and other moms doing it all, and doing it well. I know you see it, too. If they can manage it, and if our mothers did it so well for us, why can’t I?

I don’t know.

Maybe our friends are playing the part in public and secretly struggling. Maybe our moms suffered in silence for years and now, 30 years later, they simply don’t remember how hard it really was. Or maybe, and this is something I berate myself over every single day, I’m just not as qualified for the job as everyone else. And as much as I cringe just thinking it, I’m going to say it: I need more help.

Part of me feels like a failure for even asking. I mean, you do help. You are an amazing father, and you do a great job with the kids. And besides, this should come easy to me, right? Motherly instincts, no?

But I’m human and running on five hours of sleep and tired as hell. I need you.

In the morning, I need you to get our toddler ready so I can care for the baby and make everyone’s lunches and drink a cup of coffee. And no, getting the toddler ready does not mean plopping him in front of the TV. It means making sure he goes potty, giving him some breakfast, seeing if he wants water, and packing his bag for school.

At night, I need an hour to decompress in bed, knowing our toddler is asleep in his room and the baby is in your care. I know it’s hard to listen to the baby cry. Believe me, I know. But if I can watch and pacify the baby for the majority of the day, you can do it for an hour or two at night. Please. I need you.

On weekends, I need more breaks. Times when I can get out of the house by myself and feel like an individual. Even if it’s just a walk around the block or a trip to the grocery store. And some days when I’ve scheduled swim class and play dates, and it seems like I’ve got it all under control, I need you to offer to lend me a hand. Or suggest I go lie down during the kids’ naptime. Or start putting away the dishes without me suggesting it. I need you.

Lastly, I need to hear you’re grateful for all I do. I want to know that you notice the laundry is done and a nice dinner has been prepared. I want to know you appreciate that I breastfeed at all hours and pump when I’m at work when it would be easier for me to formula feed. I hope you notice that I never ask you to stay home from your networking events and sports activities. As the mom, it’s assumed I’ll be home all the time and always available to care for the kids while you’re out and I feed that assumption by, well, being home all the time.

I know it’s not how our parents did it, and I hate even asking. I wish I could do it all and make it look effortless. And I wish I didn’t need kudos for doing things most people expect from a mom. But I’m waving a white flag and admitting I’m only human. I’m telling you how much I need you, and if I keep going at the pace I’ve been on, I will break. And that would hurt you, the kids, and our family.

Because, let’s face it: You need me, too.

This post originally appeared on And What a Mom!

Hi! I’m Celeste. I consider myself a relatively new mom with two boys ages 4 and 2. Other titles I go by include: wife, health & wellness coach, marketing guru, avid reader (self-help books are my favorite), writer, travel/adventure seeker and fitness nut.

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33 Tips for New Moms from Moms Who’ve Been There

by Melissa Heckscher

Ahh, new motherhood. You go from dreaming of the day your baby will arrive to holding that tiny, wriggling bundle in your arms and thinking, “What the heck do I do now?” Hang tight! We’re here to help. We asked experienced moms to tell us one thing they wish they’d known when they first became parents, and they really delivered—from wisdom on sleep to life-changing self-care tips, and getting perspective on those intense early days. But the one thing they all agreed on is the most important of all: that you’re doing an amazing job.

Adjusting to Mom Life

“In the beginning, I wish I knew how to roll with it, not get frustrated, and that I would need lots of patience…. I was used to being in control and having some order to my life. My kids came into the picture and all of that was thrown out the window! Now they’ve broken me in and I roll with everything, but I remember that part being really hard for me.” — Kathy

“If I had a dime for every time I did something that I said I would never do when I was a know-it-all childless woman, I’d be rich.” — Jessie

“Do NOT let all the do’s & don’ts of parenting discourage you. As long as you keep your baby safe, healthy, and nurtured… you are doing a beautiful job. DON’T compare yourself to other moms! It’s not healthy!” — Ruthie

“I wish I had spent my time reading about postpartum rather than pregnancy books. During pregnancy, you have a doctor guiding you. But postpartum, you pretty much are on your own, and getting a counselor does not mean you are a bad parent.” — Reyna

“The most profound thing I heard and will never forget… Your baby was attached to you for 9 months. For the first 6 months of their life, they don’t actually realize they are still not a part of you! Love on that baby like they are still attached to you.” — Tara

“You will be a crazy emotional wreck (and a total a-hole at times) for the first ~6 months, but that’s okay because you just created another human being in your body.” — Sanaz

Getting Through Those Tough Moments

“I wish I had known that sometimes babies cry for no reason. They are not broken, and you didn’t do anything wrong. It will eventually get better; just breathe and try to comfort your new human!” — Melissa

“Take each stage as a stage. If things are really hard, just breathe. Your baby will hit a new milestone in a few weeks and things will change. The first year is like a book with all these mini-chapters, and you’ll be on to the next one before you realize it.” — Erin

“He isn’t GIVING you a hard time; he’s HAVING a hard time. (The wisest words I ever received from my mother-in-law.) It has helped me every single day of motherhood to keep their needs and moods in perspective.” — Elizabeth

“There are no mistakes, you learn as you go, and trust that you and your baby will figure it out and grow together. I thought I was so prepared with the books, asking mommy friends and relatives, and at the end of it, I just threw that all out and took those deep breaths and went with it.” — Sheilah

Related: 21 Everyday Victories New Parents Should Celebrate

Breastfeeding: So Much Harder Than It Seems

“It’s okay to breastfeed and be comfortable enough to do so in public. Took until my third child to be able to do so and have no shame or embarrassment.” — Brittany

“Breastfeeding hurts in the beginning, and that’s normal. Imagine washing your calloused hands 30 minutes straight every 2 hours—they’d crack and bleed too! Your nipples are nowhere near as calloused as your hands, so be patient with yourself and baby because it’s a learning process.” — Jeni

“Don’t be discouraged or beat yourself up if your milk supply doesn’t come in like you want or expected. Or if your baby simply isn’t interested. Just keep trying and don’t give up… if that’s what you choose. And if it’s just not working for you and/or baby, then allow yourself to bottle-feed without the guilt!” — Jamie

Related: Breastfeeding Essentials for Nursing Your Baby

Sleep: That Thing You Used to Do Whenever You Wanted

“Not all babies are wired to sleep through the night. I don’t sleep through the night, and neither does my kid. Professionals actually consider sleeping through the night to be 5 hours, not 8 or 12.” — Erin

“You will hear, ‘Sleep when the baby does,’ but for some of us, that is impossible. Ask for help and have a trusted hero [to] give you a few hours of sleep!” — Lauren

“You never know what you’re going to get. Try and rest as much as possible but don’t stress if you can’t. There is always the chance you get a sleep-through-the-night-early baby.” — Sarah

Related: Baby Sleep Guide: Expert Advice & What to Expect the First Year

Getting Used to That Postpartum Body

“Your body will change. Some of those changes are permanent, some are fleeting, some of them hurt, some will take you months to notice. Embracing the changes—good and bad—is the best way to get through them. (I named my hemorrhoids…it felt better than crying every day… just saying.) And at the end of it all, you will be stronger than you ever knew possible. — Paige

“The hair loss! Not once during or after my pregnancy did anyone talk about the possible postpartum hair loss. I thought I was losing all of my hair.” — Madison

“I wish I had known that I would pee a little every time I sneezed for the rest of my life.” — Katie

Related: The Weirdest Permanent Body Changes after Pregnancy

The Importance of Self-Care

“It is okay to let baby cry for a couple minutes. It’s okay to shower and leave them in the crib even if they are crying (if they are crying, they are ALIVE!). And it’s okay to go out and leave baby home with dad. (All learned the hard way.)” — Bella

“Postpartum anxiety is real! Get help and don’t be ashamed. Sometimes, you can’t help how you think and feel. You’re not alone.” — Marisol

“Don’t underestimate the power of support. If you don’t have that built-in (family, friends), hire someone whose main focus is to support you.” — Jacquie

“Remember: Under 2 years, playdates aren’t for them, they’re for you.” — Liz

“YOUR health is still most important. Take care of your needs too.” — Morgan

“Have a good friend who you can call and cry about your actual life, but who you can call too and talk about how amazing your baby’s development is, and how proud you are.” — Tania

“Learn to program your coffeemaker. Such a great self-care thing to do at the end of the day to have something nice in the morning!” — Rachel

Related: A Tribute to All the Moms Who Do Less

a group of first time moms pushing strollers in the park in a city with coats on
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Leave The House During Those Early Days (Yes, Really!)

“Go out to dinners with your significant other/spouse and baby while they’re not mobile and sleep a lot. It feels daunting to go out in public with a newborn, but that’s when they’re the easiest! And you and your partner can keep the connection going!” — Haruko

“They’re easier when they don’t move. Like, a ton easier. You won’t realize how easy they were until they’re 2 and 3 and you’re pregnant again realizing you feel going to Disneyland seems so doable with a baby that doesn’t move. Life with a newborn seems so simple in retrospect.” — Jeni

What to Buy & What Not to Buy

“Get a simple high chair with no little nooks and crannies — like the IKEA high chair. It is so hard to clean the fancy five-position chairs.” — Sasha

“Don’t buy pajamas with buttons. They are a nightmare! Zippers will make life easier, especially for those diaper changes in the middle of the night.” — Carolyn

“Put Tucks or witch hazel pads in the fridge or freezer. All of your angry parts will thank you.” — Lesley

How Fast It Goes…

“Now that mine is 25 and my grandbaby is 4, the one thing I miss most is the sweet innocence when they are so small. That you are their entire world. Enjoy the cuddles, the softness of their voices, even their tears. It goes so quickly, and before you know it, they’re independent and more interested in everything BUT you.” — Lisa

“I wish I knew that it would be over in the blink of an eye. The first three years are so intense and hard on your marriage and on you mentally…. It feels boring and like you chose the wrong thing, but you aren’t supposed to admit that. So you smile and talk about how it is the best thing that ever happened to you. And it is. But some days you want to choose something else. And then it’s over. Then they eat their food and sleep through the night. They go to the potty and to school. Then those precious baby snuggles turn into a mommy who needs one more snuggle but the baby is too busy. The kids want to go on playdates and sleepovers. They want to spend Saturdays having sleepovers with friends and you are left shuttling them around and missing the days when you could coo at your sweet little baby. Don’t fast-forward. Don’t skip the moments. Don’t tune out and wonder where you’re meant to be or if there is something bigger out there for you. There’s not. This is it and it’s really, really short.” — Trish

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27 Corny Jokes That’ll Make Anyone Crack a Smile

by Erin Feher

There can never be too many corny jokes on hand

While we don’t recommend quitting your day job and taking these corny jokes on the road (do people still throw rotten tomatoes?), we do promise that if delivered with enough enthusiasm—or by an undeniably cute kid—these cheesy jokes will get some chuckles. And, when you’re done with these, be sure to share our favorite knock-knock jokes, summer jokes, funny dad jokes, and our ultimate list of jokes for kids that are always good for a laugh.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy.

Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Theodore
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed.

Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
No silly, cows go MOO.

Q: Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
A: Because he was a little shellfish.

Q: What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A: A Bed

Q: What do you call an angry carrot? 
A: A steamed veggie.

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless.

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!

Q: What do call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho Cheese

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Etch
Etch who?
Bless you!

Q: How do you make an egg roll?
A: You push it!

Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary?
A: Wrong.

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Mikey
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

Q: Why were the fish’s grades bad?
A: They were below sea level.

Q: What do you call a sad berry?
A: A blueberry

Q: Why are cornfields bad places to tell secrets? 
A: They’re full of ears.

Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? 
A: In case he got a hole in one.

Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless.

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Dear Fellow Passenger: You Are Not Entitled to a Silent Flight

By Zrinka Peters

Living a couple of thousand miles from my immediate family means that I fly every year—with kids—on tiring flights. On multiple occasions, I’ve flown solo with kids. This summer, I flew alone with four kids aged 2, 4, 6, and 8. Last summer, I did it alone with each of those kids being a year younger. I’ve flown with sleeping newborns, squirmy nine-month-olds, and impossible eighteen-month-olds. On some flights, my kids have been surprisingly angelic. On others, I’ve fought with a loud, kicking toddler for four exhausting hours. Believe me, it’s not fun.

I’ve experienced the anxious, dreading sideline glances of passengers when they see young kids approaching their seats. I’ve witnessed the “huffing, puffing and mumbling.” Honestly, some people seem to be annoyed by the mere presence of kids, even when their behavior is just fine. Unfortunately, only on a small handful of occasions in the last decade of plane travel with kids has someone offered to help, and it’s usually been a kind-hearted passenger.

I know it’s annoying to listen to a young child whine or cry. I know it’s annoying when they talk loudly or get excited and yell (or in my two-year-old’s case, sing their heart out). I know there are a lot of business travelers on flights these days who expect to read, work or sleep the entire flight. But, fellow passengers, try to understand.

The planes my family travel on are public transportation just like buses or ferries or trains. I’m allowed to board them with my kids, and these flights are not designated silent zones. They are not even “adult-only” zones. I promise to do my best to get my kids to behave well during the flight. But I can’t promise you a silent flight, and you are not entitled to one.

If I see one of my kids kick your seat, I’ll get them to stop, but they might sneak one in anyway. My toddler sometimes gets excited and (like a normal child with exceptionally healthy lungs) screams out of joy, fear, excitement, whatever. If that happens, I’ll promptly remind her to use her “inside voice,” but she’s likely to forget at some point during the flight.

If my four-year-old drops a crayon or fruit snack and it somehow finds its way under your seat, let’s not treat it like a criminal offense, ok? If—heaven forbid—my toddler has ear pain because of the changes in air pressure, there might be some loud crying. They are kids, after all, and as hard as I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to get our two-year-old to act 21.

The human family we are all a part of consists of people of all ages. We need to bear with one another a little more. Children seem to have been largely pushed out of many public places, but they have every right to be there. Please don’t treat my kids like they don’t belong on your flight. I know you have important places to go. So do we. My kids need to see their grandparents.

So dear fellow passenger: as long as you’re not hiring private jets and we find ourselves on the same flight, let’s make a deal.  I’ll do my very best—I promise—to have my kids behave well on our shared flight. I’m prepared. I have snacks, activities, iPads, patience, and stamina. But my best efforts can’t 100 percent ensure total serenity.

You do your very best to welcome them on the flight and overlook minor outbursts in their otherwise-good behavior. Oh, and if you see me struggling under the weight of a toddler, diaper bag, purse, carry-on case, and stroller, feel free to be an everyday hero and offer to help with a smile. See you on our next flight.

I'm a wife and mom (to six) who's also a freelance writer in between the craziness of family life. I love the outdoors, reading, cooking and snuggling with the littles. I write to share my thoughts about the things that capture my attention - family, faith, education, health and life.

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How to Make It through the Rest of Summer & Keep Your Cool

By Jen Lumanlan

Ahhhh….summer.  It sounds amazing.

Lots of time outside; the kids all splashing happily in whatever water-filled container you have.

Lots of unscheduled time, with no particular places to be or things to do.

Your kids get to just be kids for a while.

But here’s what’s also part of summer:

The crying and whining.

The endless repetitions of “I’m booooooored…” interspersed with refusals to help around the house.

And your triggered feelings.

What Happens When You Have a Big Reaction to Your Kid’s Feelings

When your kids don’t cooperate (which happens a lot when you’re together a lot), you probably go into one of four ‘modes’:

1. Fight Mode: You get combative! Your child might as well be an attacking bear that you’re fighting for your life. You will dominate them…through words (you can probably out-logic them), through your physical presence (towering over them) and/or through swatting or spanking them.

2. Flight Mode: You’ve got to get out of here! Your child might as well be an attacking bear that you’re running away from, and quickly. You check out mentally, or you physically leave the room—and when your child follows you it makes everything ten times worse.

3. Freeze Mode: The bear’s attacking, and you can’t figure out what to do. You’re mentally and physically frozen: should you counterattack? Should you run and hide? It is simply not possible for you to make a decision—about anything—at this moment.

4. Fawn Mode: Most common among people who have experienced abuse, this involves getting the difficult behavior to stop at all costs. You placate the child; reassure them; say they can have the thing they want…anything to make the crying/screaming/whining stop.

It doesn’t seem like any of these things should be part of any parent’s summer plans…and yet, here they are.

Summer isn’t over yet.

Are you gonna make it?

Here are 5 tips to help you not just survive but actually enjoy the time you’re spending with your kids this summer:

1. Don’t Multitask.
Whenever your attention is split, there’s a good chance you’re going to get frustrated. Have designated times to play with your kids—and put the phone away. Focus on nothing but being with them. At other times, tell them you’re not available now but you will be in 30 minutes/after lunch/when the timer goes off.

2. Slow Down & Simplify.
Do you need to go to every birthday party? Must you take something homemade to every gathering, or would a bowl of cherries be just as welcome?  Could you eat take-out one more night a week, or cook twice as much on the nights you do cook, and eat leftovers every other night? Can you plan just a little further ahead so you don’t have to go shopping as often? The more you can slow down and simplify, the less overall stress you’ll feel, which will leave more gas in the tank to deal with the children’s meltdowns.

3. Be Realistic about What Your Child Can Do. 
We hear a lot about having ‘developmentally appropriate’ expectations, but many parents expect their children to be able to do way more than they really can.  A survey by respected organization Zero to Three found that over half of parents think that children under three can reliably resist the desire to do something forbidden when actually this starts to develop between ages 3.5-4. And 42% of parents think that children should be able to control their emotions—like not having a tantrum when they’re frustrated—by age 2 when again this develops between the ages of 3.4-4. If you’re expecting too much too soon, you’ll get frustrated when they can’t meet your expectations.

4. Embrace the Drop-off (Outdoor) Playdate.
If you have any access to the outdoors, and there are other families in your ‘pod,’ take turns hosting outdoor playdates. If you have a garden, the other child could bring a lunch and then you just turf them outdoors for the day—they can collect rocks, make ‘houses’ for imaginary friends; build things out of cardboard…Even traditionally indoor-based toys like LEGO and Magnatiles that they’re bored with using indoors can be fun again outdoors. Chances are having another child around will actually keep yours occupied for longer…and then your child goes to the friend’s house another time, giving you several hours off. Even if you go to the playground or park instead of your house, you could work for the life of your laptop battery, or hang out with a book. Win-win!

5. Pay Attention to What’s Going on in Your Body.  
In our culture, we have an idea that everything worth paying attention to happens in our brains. But very often our bodies tell us when something’s up—like when we’re getting resentful because our child has been asking us to do things for them all day. We might feel a tightness in our shoulders, heat across our chest, nausea, or a headache long before we yell at our child, walk away from them, freeze, or fawn. We can learn to pay attention to these signals and act on them early in the day rather than letting the frustration build until we explode.

Navigating kids’ big feelings is challenging for every parent. It can be doubly challenging when you can’t stay calm in these moments, perhaps partly because you are remembering difficult events from your childhood. But just because you’ve responded with frustration up to now doesn’t mean it always has to be that way. You might think that your child needs to change their behavior but none of the ideas here involve doing that. When you change the way you show up with them, they most likely won’t do as much of the behavior you find so difficult.

And so you will make it through the summer.

RELATED STORIES
How a Summertime Routine Will Benefit Your Kids
Here’s Why Your Kids Don’t Need an Amazing Summer
Ditching That Summer Reading List Is Actually a Fantastic Idea

Jen Lumanlan fills the gaps in her parenting intuition through research, via a Master’s in Psychology (Child Development) and another in Education.  Her podcast, Your Parenting Mojo, provides rigorous yet accessible information on parenting and child development to help parents tame the overwhelm and raise resilient, thriving children.

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Not Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Was the Best Decision I Ever Made

By Emma Bennett

Being a stay-at-home mom sounds a bit like a dream, right? After all the years of working, earning and saving, finally, the day comes when you’re off on maternity leave. Maybe a nice baby shower with lots of cake and cute clothes and teddy bears. Then, finally, you get to sit and put your feet up and wait for this little person to take over your life.

And then he or she arrives. No sleep, lots of crying, constant hunger… and that’s just you! Babies are so demanding at first, and our whole life is about trying to seek out a little bit of undisturbed sleep where we aren’t worrying about whether the baby has stopped breathing in bed or our boobs aren’t painful, swollen rocks leaking little puddles onto the sheets.

But one day, everything settles down into a bit of a routine. You find that you get back some sleep and you start to feel human again. Now’s the fun bit, right? You get to just hang out with this little person, go to the park, long walks in the pram, coffee with other moms and just kicking back while the rest of the world keeps working.

The baby doesn’t need you 24/7 anymore and, in fact, you can start leaving them with other people for short periods. Your brain is starting to work again, slowly. You can even start to hold a decent conversation without either yawning or crying.

Now, I don’t know about other moms out there, but this was about the time I started to get bored. And this was, as a result, where the guilt really started!

I struggled to get up in the morning and focus for the day. Some days, I really found it hard to get motivated to leave the house at all. I felt like I was really cheating the system and just sitting around contributing nothing. I knew all the rhetoric—stay-at-home moms work harder than anyone in the workplace, enjoy the time to yourself and with your baby, they are little for such a short time, blah blah blah.

But I just couldn’t get into it.

I would try and get into being a really present and tuned-in mom. I would sit down and do some kind of really fun and engaging game with him that I had seen on Play School –yeah, this is awesome… look how much fun he’s having… I’m such a good mom, I would think. Then I’d look at the clock. Ten minutes had passed!! I still had the whole rest of the day to fill.

I realized why so many moms join mother’s groups and coffee mornings. It’s just to fill in time and get out of the house so the day goes faster! I’m not really much of a “joiner,” though, so I struggled to turn up for those kinds of things, and as a result, I spent a lot of time on my own slowly going crazy.

The guilt was enormous.

Why wasn’t I enjoying this more? What’s wrong with me that I am not relishing not having to go to work and have boring conversations with people all day about stuff that doesn’t really matter? I mean, after all, isn’t this the most important work you can do?

Well, I didn’t feel important; in fact, I felt like a fraud. Everyone else was out there earning a living and contributing to society, and I was here at home with this beautiful little human I made, bored out of my mind reading board books and playing with teddies all day.

Then one day, someone emailed me asking me to do some part-time work from home.

I resisted at first, feeling a different type of guilt. It was the guilt of admitting to myself that I didn’t really like staying at home. This is much harder guilt to overcome when there is absolutely nothing in life stopping you from enjoying staying at home with your baby.

While you feel like people will judge you if you go back to work and leave bub with someone, you feel equally judged being at home and not really having your head fully into being a mom. I know everyone says that just being with you is all the baby needs, but I really felt like I was completely robbing this kid of having someone around who could actually do fun things that would help his development.

So I hired a nanny and took this job.

The first day I left him, there were tears all around. I was crying at leaving him, he was crying that mommy had ditched him with some complete stranger and the guilt was so intense I could almost taste it.

But then I got in the car, I turned up the music (and my resolve) and I headed into the city. I spent a few hours in meetings where I was briefed about my role, I got to meet a few people, I had a nice lunch and then I sat for a moment in a coffee shop. For the first time in months, I felt pretty happy.

I headed home and walked in to be greeted with the most amazing sight. My little boy was sitting with our nanny, on her lap, playing with a little toy, and she was singing and playing the xylophone. They were having a lovely time.

You could tell just taking one look at this woman that hanging out with kids is her favorite thing to do in life. They had obviously been having a ball. She’d done some foot painting with him, they’d been out for a walk and bought some books at the second-hand shop. She was just glowing with happiness and excitement at having spent a few hours with my son.

And I actually felt a great sense of relief and contentment. From that day on, I was a much happier person and, I think, a much better mom. On the days I wasn’t working, I really loved every second of being with my boy, and on the days I was working, I really loved every second of being on my own. It was as though it took being away from him to make me realize how special it was to actually be with him.

It took me this time to realize that I’m not the sort of person who can stay at home all day with a baby, and that is actually OK. The thing about parenting is that you have to do it the way that works for you.

There’s no right or wrong way to organize your family or to live your life. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you just don’t like not staying at home full-time.

Everyone needs balance, and I actually think it’s really healthy to have your kids get used to being looked after by other people and to understand early on that they really can live without you. And if, at the end of the day, you are a happier, more peaceful person, then that can only make you a better mom as well.

So don’t allow yourself to feel guilt, regardless of what you end up doing. As long as you love your kids and you set up your life so that you are the best person you can be when you are with them, then you are being a good parent. Go out and live life the best way you can and always remember, you are a person in your own right, as well as a mom who loves your kids. There’s no room for any guilt in that sentence!

Originally published Sept. 2016.

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I'm a Dubai expat mum and I love to tell the funny side of life here and about travelling the world with a young family.Because let’s face it – no matter how well planned your travel journey, its those those funny, quirky moments that appear out of nowhere that create the real memories. 

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Mom Guilt. From One Full-Time Working Mom to Another

By Jamie Johnson

 

Please stop judging me for leaving the office at exactly 5 p.m.; my kids are waiting to be picked up from the sitter.

I know I’m missing this meeting, but my kid’s preschool graduation is more important.

I know I was late today, but I can’t drop the baby off at daycare until 7:45 a.m.

I know that I seem distracted because I am distracted. I have a sick toddler and I am waiting to find out when I can get him into the pediatrician.

I don’t want to look exhausted when I show up at the office, but I have been awake since 4:30 a.m. with an inconsolable kid.

I know that my eyes look glazed over, but I spent the last twelve hours trying to soothe a baby to sleep.

I didn’t mean for my email to seem snippy, but I have a five-year-old that cried this morning because he didn’t want to go to school, and I am worried about him.

Yes, I just banged my head against my desk. I received a text message that my kid has pink eye and I have to leave to get him even though this report is almost due.

I know my eyes are very swollen right now. I spent last night crying because I am exhausted, never get to be alone and haven’t taken a hot shower in five years.

Sorry that I was short with you, but I spent the last hour arguing with a toddler over the necessity of wearing pants to the babysitter.

I know I am supposed to leave my personal life at the door when I come to the office, but when you are a mom to two small kids, that is hard to do.

So thank you to everyone that has given me grace over the last five years.

I could probably stand to give myself a little.

Being a full-time working mom with young kids is not easy.

Thank you to every boss that has let me leave for doctor’s appointments, unexpected sicknesses, preschool graduations, and school lunches.

Thank you to all the people that turned their heads when I was pregnant and had to run out of a meeting to go puke.

Thank you to everyone that has let me know they also had a hard time juggling their work/life/kid balance.

Thank you to the people that ignored my swollen eyes, exhausted face and the spit-up on my blouse.

Thank you to all the other moms that slay it each and every day and motivate me to keep going.

Thank you to the people that encourage me to keep going even though I can feel defeated at times.

Thank you to all the co-workers that have picked up slack for me because I had to make a quick exit to solve a kid emergency.

I know that I am not the only working mom in the world, but I am a working mom and I totally understand what you are going through.

I understand that you feel like you need to overcompensate because you get to work just on time and leave the minute the clock strikes five.

I understand when you eat your lunch at your desk because you have to leave early to get a kid from the sitter to the doctor then back to the sitter and then get yourself back to the office in time for your 2 p.m. meeting.

I understand that sometimes you show up to work looking like you were attacked by a flock of geese because the kids couldn’t find their shoes, you gave someone the wrong color bowl and then forgot to take Sleepy Bear to the babysitter.

I understand that you are tired. Exhausted probably.

But I also understand that you are capable and worthy of so much more than you realize sometimes.

You don’t have to choose between two worlds that you love. You can have them both. You can have a family and a career. It’s not easy, but it is possible.

Yes, the worlds might collide sometimes and make life much more complicated, but it’s worth it.

So don’t stop. Don’t give up. You’ve got this.

And P.S. Not everyone is going to understand. And that’s okay.

Until next time,

Jamie

This post originally appeared on Hashtag MomFail.
Featured image: iStock 

I am a full time working mom with two little boys, Henry and Simon. I write about real life and real life gets messy. Contributor for Motherly, HuffPost Parents, Scary Mommy, Today Parents, Love What Matters and Her View From Home. 

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I Never Wanted to Be a #Boymom

By Katie Washington

Boy mom. It’s all I heard during my first, second, and third pregnancies. I never understood it. I don’t know what it is about me that says “boy mom” and honestly, I never really wanted it. I always wanted children. I was just fine to have a boy in the mix but, all I ever wanted, for as long as I can remember, was a little girl.

I think about that saying, “Man plans and God laughs,” a lot when it comes to my small brood of boys. I always planned for a little girl; three boys later and God is still laughing. When my first was born and they announced I had a little boy, I was shocked. I can still see my husband’s mouth bubbling around the letter B. I remember staring at him blankly. A boy? What was I going to do with a boy? I was positive I was having a girl; I would know what to do with a girl; I’d mentally prepared for a girl and now I had to readjust my emotions and expectations.

And Then Baby #2 Was a Boy

My next child came a quick 16 months later. Another healthy, beautiful baby boy; I was thrilled. I was also surprised…and a little disappointed. I’d tempered my expectations the second time around and announced at every opportunity that it was probably another boy, but quietly, I wished and prayed for my girl. God laughed again when baby boy #2 was born. He was absolutely perfect and I comforted myself with the knowledge that we would (more than likely) have a third. That’s when it would happen, I thought. Third time’s a charm; I’ll get my girl then.

And Then Baby #3 Showed Up

Baby #3 came two weeks early. My husband and I were at dinner with some of his work colleagues. I’d been having contractions, sporadic and irregular, nothing to worry about. Braxton Hicks, for sure. We spent a lovely evening with lovely people and I took my sweet time eating everything. Crab salad? Yes, please. The duck confit? Definitely. And I’m pregnant, so can I add mashed potatoes to that order? Is there any more bread? Dessert? I’m glad you asked. That flourless chocolate torte looks delicious.

On the 15-minute ride back to our house, I went from contractions every 25+ minutes to every 5 minutes. My husband was ready to go to the hospital immediately. I made us wait and time the contractions; we got to the hospital at 2 a.m.

Matthew was born around 7:00 that morning. I pushed that baby out and held my breath, waiting for the nurses to tell me it was a girl. I had a name ready. I would see her and hold her and my family would be complete. It was my husband who finally got a glimpse of the goods and told me that I had another son…and I burst into tears. Another boy. A third boy. For one quick, irrational moment, I thought: no, it’s fine, there’s another baby in there and she’ll be out in a minute. Then they laid him on top of me. He immediately curled up, started sucking his fingers, and I fell completely in love. He was perfect, an absolutely beautiful baby boy.

The feelings lingered. The sadness, the disappointment, and the utter bemusement that I was now mother to three boys and zero girls. It never even crossed my mind that, when I had my babies, they’d be boys. Most of the people I know have a mix of boys and girls; why would I be different? And so, I cried and then I cried some more. And then I cried off and on for my entire first week home.

My husband couldn’t understand. Here we were, blessed with three beautiful, healthy children. I had healthy pregnancies. The boys were lively and energetic and happy. Why was I so upset? Why couldn’t I be happy with the family we had?

I am happy with the family we have, I told him. I don’t want to give any of the boys back. I wouldn’t trade any of my boys for a girl. Our boys are beautiful and they are happy and they are loved, but I spent my entire life thinking I would have a daughter and now, that isn’t something that will happen for me. After each baby, I comforted myself with the knowledge that we’d try again. Now, our three children are birthed and here and (I hope) thriving and this dream, this expectation, that I’ve had my whole life is gone. It felt like a death, and I felt like I was mourning a whole life of things I’d never now never get to do. Some of it was superficial: the sweet clothes and precious nursery, ruffled bubbles, and smocked dresses, coats, tights, and bows.

The Hardest Part about Not a Having a Girl

The hardest part was emotional. It was letting go of something I’d wanted as long as I could remember, of something I’d always expected to have in my life. These feelings were heart wrenching and devastating in ways I’d never experienced before. I couldn’t work harder or take a class or save money to earn what I wanted. I was entirely at the mercy of God, fate, biology. “You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit.” Only I did pitch a fit, in my way. I cried; I mourned; and I put it away because really, what else can you do?

I adore my boys—their sweetness and energy, their big hearts, and hilarious toddler commentary. I look at them and can’t believe they’re mine; my heart simply swells. My wild Washington trio humbles me and challenges me and fills me with joy.

I’m able to get my “girls fix” from nieces and goddaughters and children of friends and family who are generous enough to share their daughters with me. It helps, and those feelings of loss or “less than” have morphed into occasional aches…then one of my boys needs his mommy and the ache subsides.

This post originally appeared on Missy & Tots.

I'm 38, not single, but I do enjoy long walks on the beach. I'm a mom to 3 little boys, ages 5 and under; married to a wonderful man for almost 6 years. I work at the University of South Carolina (Go Gamecocks!) and live with my family in SC.

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Motherhood: How to Survive the First 3 Months

By Missy Woodruff

​I just spent a few minutes looking at my “Today in the Past” photos of Facebook, including a few pics of my husband and me with our newborn daughter, who is 10 now.

​Oh, I’d give anything to go back to those days…Actually, wait. That was REALLY hard, and there were a lot of tears, exhaustion, and anxiety. 

(Why don’t they tell you that in a diaper commercial!) 

Looking back, though, I realize that this time could have been so much easier and more enjoyable if I had seen things a little differently. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self what I know now.

1. Listen to your instincts and intuition. While I was super confident before having the baby in my ability to care for her, I quickly lost that confidence when I was holding a crying baby who wouldn’t latch and everyone kept telling me what I should or shouldn’t do. I wish I had had the guts to tell them what I felt in my heart so strongly. In hindsight, I knew what was best for me and my daughter, but I didn’t trust myself enough. 

I’m not saying to ignore medical professionals or the well-meant advice of other moms, but voice your own thoughts first and make sure you are heard and seen. Because, after all, mother does know best.

​2. A crying baby is not the end of the world. Although, truth be told, it can sure seem that way sometimes. Most of the time, though, they’re just trying to get what they need. So, be patient and calmly offer what she might need. Food, a clean diaper, sleep, connection, and love. Nine times out of ten, that will do the trick. And if not, keep calm and seek help. 

Sometimes, there can be other issues that are causing the crying. Our daughter had reflux, so there was a lot of crying, very little sleep, and as a result, an overtired baby, who was very hard to settle. This is all a hindsight 20/20 thing, though, because back then, I took me weeks to figure it out, and I put some of the pieces together months later. 

3. The sun will rise again. I felt the most lonely during nighttime when I was walking round and round in my room with a crying baby who wouldn’t fall asleep despite my best efforts. She was overtired, and so was I. I think those were the times I cried the most in the beginning. What I’d love to whisper in my past self’s ear is that this too shall pass. After this night, there will be daylight again. The baby will sleep eventually and in a few weeks, she’ll have figured out this night and day thing.

4. It’s just a phase. “This too shall pass,” as my Dad used to say. Every mom has probably heard this tip and given it to another mom, but while we’re in the trenches, it can be hard to remember. Everything is a phase with little ones. So, sometimes, the best you can do is just ride out the waves. And, for better or worse, it all really does fly by. 

​5. Know what to expect. I often wish I’d done more research on what to expect in the newborn phase (or even past that). Obviously, you can’t know everything, and every baby is different, but what I learned is that doing a little reading upfront can ease a lot of fears and help figure out what’s not working before it drives you insane.

6. Do things that make you feel normal. I struggled for the longest time to consolidate my past identity with my new identity as a mom. To be honest, I still do sometimes, but what has helped immensely is writing down when I feel most like myself and doing those things as often as possible.

Also, create routines. I found that routine activities made me feel happy and gave me a sense of control. 

7. Ask for help. Can’t stress this enough! It does take a village to raise a kid, so don’t think you have to do it all by yourself. Ask your spouse, your family, or your friends to help out. It could be as simple as having someone to talk to when you’re covered in baby spit-up and in desperate need of a grown-up conversation. Or it could be a couple of hours of sleep or time to yourself. Have a friend do grocery shopping for you, or ask your spouse to take care of laundry.  

8. Relax into it. This is definitely the hardest to do but makes all the difference. I still haven’t mastered it years into motherhood, but those times when I’ve managed to slow down, breathe and relax into it have been the best. Even when it happens as you’re trying to put your baby down and it’s been an hour already. Especially then.

9. Loosen up and let go. Bruce Lee once said, “Be like water, my friend.” In other words, go with the flow. You’re bound to have spit-up on your shirt 24/7, a messy home, crazy-lady hair, and a never-ending pile of laundry. 

You could either stress about it or just let it go. Don’t worry, one day you’ll discover you’ve worn the same shirt for the whole day. You will get back on track with your laundry. You most definitely will find time for personal care again. One day, I promise!

So, if you’re down in the trenches right now, or about to become a new mom for the first (or third) time, I hope this post offered some support, understanding, and most importantly, a gentle reminder that the hard parts will pass, and the joy will only grow. 

You’ve got this, mama!

I'm Missy, a mother of three and a middle school drama teacher at a private school. I'm obsessed with my Vizsla (dog), traveling, and the musical Hamilton. I also enjoy writing and sharing fun parenting stories, which is what brought me here.

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IVF: The Second Time Around

By Lauren Johnson

When James and I were first trying to conceive, I was a bundle of nerves, crying at every turn, especially when getting pregnant didn’t go how I had (meticulously) planned it. We stopped using contraception and proceeded to “try” for the next year. When about 14 months had passed and I still wasn’t pregnant at the time of my next gynecologist appointment, I asked what we should do. She referred us to a few fertility specialists in the area. I was devastated. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. We had been so careful to make sure we didn’t get pregnant before we were ready, I hadn’t considered it might be a challenge once we were ready.

Despite fertility treatments becoming more and more common and hearing extended family members’ stories, I felt ashamed about my inability to conceive.  I had been open with friends about wanting to start a family, but now that we were possibly not going to be able to, I shut down. I stopped talking with my family as often. Whenever friends asked how it was going, I brushed it off with a “hasn’t happened yet…” and changed the subject. It took six months before I was finally ready to pick up the phone and schedule an appointment with the specialist. It was another month before they could fit us in as a new patient.  We were finally ready to take action and we jumped in with some initial testing before two failed rounds of IUI.

Our infertility wasn’t fully explained, but the test results and failed IUIs were enough for our doctor to recommend and our insurance to support moving on to IVF. We were so incredibly lucky. Despite the heartache of the two prior years and the misery of hope, month after month, our first IVF cycle resulted in three healthy embryos. Transferring our first one resulted in implantation, pregnancy, and finally the birth of our daughter. Then, 18 months later, we were ready to do it all over again with a second embryo transfer, in hopes of another child to join our family.

There was such a relief in starting this process a second time since it worked for us the first time. I know there are no guarantees that it will work the second time around or even the third, but since we were able to have Louise, I know it’s possible. I empathize with all families who continue to struggle to conceive. We were lucky our pain of not being able to conceive only lasted a year or two, but the worry that it wouldn’t work the next time still lives on.  Despite that strain, I’m more optimistic than before about our hopes to create the family we want.

Six Months Later

It’s ironic to read back the first half of this post having drafted it months apart. I was full of optimism for our future and a new hope to move on from the struggles of infertility. We underwent a frozen embryo transfer several months ago and the long story short is that it didn’t take. We’re not expecting. After an update consultation with the same doctor who helped us have Louise, we followed a very similar protocol of medication, tests, and timing leading up to the transfer. A week into the 10-day wait to find out if it worked, I turned to James that evening and told him I didn’t think it had worked. Call it women’s intuition; call it a 50-50 guess that turned out to be right, but I just knew it wasn’t happening that time. Unfortunately, that didn’t ease the knot tightening in my stomach when the doctor finally did call to confirm the result.

That night and the days that followed, I cried just as hard as when it didn’t take with the IUIs or naturally. But I didn’t cry as long. I am constantly reminded by Louise’s infectious laughter that it has worked once. We will hopefully be fortunate again. It may work next time. It may not. In accepting the grief that comes from each failed attempt, I’m better able to pick myself up and move forward. I am present with family and friends, pursuing other passions, all while acknowledging the tiny ball of hope in the back of my brain saying it will work again one day.

 

This post originally appeared on Happy Optimizing.

Hi!  I’m Lauren, a recent convert from professional career-woman to stay-at-home mom and wife.

Why waste time on the mundane if it can be done more efficiently and you can get back to the fun parts of life? I hope these posts help you save time and money.

Happy Optimizing! 

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