ML Interest Tag: dialogue

When Did ‘The Talk’ Have to Become about Guns?

By Sara Shanahan

Wedged between homework and fundraising forms in the kindergarten folder was a letter to parents: It advised us of an upcoming active shooter response drill. Words like armed intruder spread across sentences on school letterhead detailing the session for students. The following week, stuffed between readers, handwriting and math practice papers was a new note addressing the tragedy at the Tree of Life Synagogue, outlining activities the children would participate in to honor first responders and victims of the tragic event.

I found myself staring at the school papers, formulating a dialogue in my mind. A conversation difficult for adults alone, but now necessary to have with my daughter.

We cover things quickly—I’m lucky to get this five-year-old to sit and focus for just a few minutes. We discuss the ALICE acronym (alert, lockdown, inform, counter, evacuate), and she tells me what she’s responsible for during the event of an active shooting: “We run and hide, throw things at the bad guy and get out.” My stomach turns. Our local police officers equipped with firearms were unable to fully protect themselves from bullets sprayed by the shooter who injured and killed innocent people near Mr. Rogers’ real-life neighborhood—a tight-knit community located across a few steel bridges from us.

This talk is tough. I let her take the lead and let me know what she learned, chiming in with my own what would you do scenario. The most important element I ask my child to take away from our conversation is to always be aware of your surroundings. This message I will ingrain in her mind every time we arrive in a public place. “Look for exits and identify a quick and easy way out in case of emergency. Be aware of where you’re sitting, and if possible, never have your back to the main entrance.” Unsettling, right?

Our conversation isn’t long. She wants a snack and some crayons to color, bored by my big words and requests to repeat after me.

Hearts are heavy, and it’s hard not to notice the sadness surrounding the city of Pittsburgh. I’m shaken knowing my little girl is at school, bowing her head on the playground in a moment of silence. I’m unsure if she fully understands what is going on—reoccurring acts of gun violence are forcing her to grow up too soon.

Our children are being trained to defend themselves. The ALICE acronym is now as important as the ABCs. Our little ones are learning survival skills to run, hide and fight for their lives because dangerous people are hurting others with automatic weapons laws protect.

No matter how much we are divided on politics and personal rights, it’s small acts of kindness that cement us. Writing thank-you notes to first responders, delivering sympathy cards to family members grieving lost ones and donating blood to victims of gun violence show we love and support one another and the communities we live in. For those taking a stand against the evil of intolerance and hate growing around us at an alarming rate, I cannot help but think of Pat Benatar’s song “Invincible.” The battle cry chorus reminds me of every one of us echoing we are #StrongerThanHate.

“We can’t afford to be innocent / Stand up and face the enemy / It’s a do or die situation / We will be invincible.”

Originally published Nov. 2018.

As managing director of two children—19-months apart in age on purpose—Sara has hands-on experience in human development, specializing in potty pushing, breaking up baby fights and wrestling kids into car seats. When there's a moment to look away, she's writing for the web, blogging and building websites.

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Break Out the Mistletoe! Christmas in July Is Back on the Hallmark Channel

by Sarah Shebek

Are you dreaming of snowy scenes, improbable romance, quaint small towns and cheesy but enjoyable dialogue? Then we’ve got the scoop for you! Hallmark has announced its annual Christmas in July event, featuring new movies and binge-worthy classics.

Starting the weekend of July 10, tune in to catch Crashing Through the Snow, starring Amy Acker and Warren Christie. Maggie (Acker) joins her ex-husband and his girlfriend Kate for a getaway to Aspen, Colorado. Before you wonder about the logistics of vacationing with an ex, don’t worry, love is still in the air. Maggie meets Kate’s brother (Christie) and we have to imagine sparks flying on the ski slopes.

Also on July 10, you can binge some of your favorite Hallmark Christmas selections from 2020, including Love, Lights, Hanukkah and A Tree Grows in Colorado. The following weekend, tune in for “Soap Sunday” because obviously Hallmark movies are exponentially better with soap opera stars. Keep an eye out for Cameron Mathison in The Christmas Club and Jesse Metcalfe in Christmas Next Door.

Finally, on July 24 and 25 you can start your countdown to the holiday in earnest with some of the greatest hits from Hallmark. Crown for Christmas, The Nine Lives of Christmas, and Christmas Under Wraps! Similar, but just different enough to keep you glued to the screen. Grab the wine, popcorn and enjoy some self care!

—Sarah Shebek

Featured photo: Hallmark Channel

 

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My Daughter Saved Me in the Most Unexpected Way

By Jacqueline Waxman

I had wanted a daughter since literally, like, I was the age of 10. There were things inside of me that were inherently broken. Even then.

As I aged there was an ever-present fantasy script in my head that (one day) watching my husband with his daughter would somehow magically heal the broken parts inside of me. And, in all fairness it may have. But, that’s not how my story went.

When I was pregnant and learned I was having a girl—the irony was not lost on the fact that as a fatherless daughter I was (finally) having a daughter— a daughter who would also, in essence, be fatherless.

I was pretty mad at God and the Universe for a really long time. It was a dirty dirty trick I thought.

I spent most of my life feeling as if there was a missing piece. As if something was inherently wrong with me because my father didn’t want me. Side note: my mom was amazing. This has nothing to do with her.

This internal dialogue was the basis for most of my life choices. How I viewed myself. How I viewed my worth. This brokenness, unknowingly to me, dictated most of my life and my self-value. It showed up most clearly in who I dated. Who I ultimately married.

It wasn’t until my dad passed away, two months after my daughter was born and 7-months after my husband had left, that I started to realize the truth. I sat in a hospital room every day for a week watching my dad die. In those days I realized for the first time, ever, that my worth was not based on my father’s inability to be a parent. My worth was not based on his inability to be in my life. None of his demons and actions and choices had anything to do with me. Not a single one. They all had to do with him. I was just a casualty of his personal war.

It was somewhere during that time that it all made sense. I was sent a fatherless daughter to in fact heal me. At the most perfect time.

My daughter is amazing. She’s as beautiful as she is bright. Zero of her worth is defined by the fact that her father is not in her life. None. My daughter did nothing to cause someone who should love her not to.

A father. A father is someone who shows up because that is the nature of their job description. My daughter had nothing to do with her father abandoning that role. And, through watching her and walking through this with her, I realized neither did I.

The script in my mind, for most of my life, was that by watching my daughter with my husband, I was going to heal vicariously through them and their love. By watching her and her father have tea parties and play house and falling asleep together, and see them love each other so much, that it was going to fix the broken pieces inside of me. That’s not reality. And, none of that happened.

But, my daughter did in fact heal me. She stopped the cycle just by being alive.

She is the cycle breaker.

She’s beautiful. She’s smart. She’s perfectly imperfect.

And, she has taught me more in her short life than I ever could have imagined.

JACQUELINE WAXMAN, M.Ed living in New Jersey with her kids. I’m a social worker by profession and Mom by choice. I chauffeur children to their preferred destinations, feed-bathe-and-clothe my little people when we are not playing outside. Passions include writing, photography and advocacy. 
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Co-Parenting Peacefully during a Pandemic? It’s Possible

By Reena B. Patel

Photo: Canva.com

There’s more going on right now that we do not see behind closed doors. Marriage, relationships, and divorce are all not always easy and during a pandemic the tension and stress are high. Though every relationship is important, our main focus right now needs to be on our children and being the best role models we can be.

Right now, co-parenting peacefully is probably very difficult but very important. 

Why? Because children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems themselves.

The Best Co-Parenting Strategies:

1. Communicate. Right now, there are so many things out of our hands and so much unknown, not only are you and your ex unsure of what’s going to happen, so are your children. You and your ex need to be on the same page during this time. With schools shut down and normal schedules out of question, coming up with a consistent and the most logical plans are essential. Home-schooling and day schedules should be discussed if the children switch homes during the week, make the routines as close as possible at each household. And. I get it, that’s not easy, none of this is, but as long as you two create some sort of normalcy mixed with leniency, it will create some balance for your kids.

2. Lead by (Healthy) Example. Your feelings about your ex do not have to dictate your behavior, Be a positive example and set aside strong feelings. It may be the hardest part of learning to work cooperatively with your ex, but it’s also perhaps the most vital. 

3. Commit to an Open Dialogue with Your Ex. Arrange to do this through email, texting, voicemail, letters or through face-to -ace conversation. In the beginning, it may be hard to have a civil dialogue with your ex. There are even websites where you can upload schedules, share information, and communicate so you and your ex don’t have to directly touch base. Here are a few that I recommend: Our Family Wizard, Coparently, Cozi, and Talking Parent. Peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with your ex is essential to the success of co-parenting

4. Be Consistent. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same between two households, but you and your ex should establish generally consistent guidelines. They should be mutually agreed upon for both households. For example, mealtime, bedtime, and completing homework need to be consistent. This helps create a sense of belonging and creates a sense of security and predictability for children. 

5. Release the Negativity. Instead of talking negatively about your ex, commit to positive talk in both households no matter what the circumstances. With so much instability right now, positivity in your household is essential. Children want to feel safe, the negative reactions you have for one another must be kept between you two if must.

6. Agree on Discipline. Don’t give in to the guilt and try and outdo your ex by gifting you child with things, instead agree on discipline—behavioral guidelines, rewards, and consequences for raising your children so that there’s consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they’re with at any given time. Research shows that children in homes with a unified parenting approach have greater well-being.

7. Be Flexible and Update Each Other Often. If there are changes at home, in your life, It is important that your child is never, ever, ever the primary source of information.

8. Speak in a Positive Language about Your Ex. Remember, oftentimes marriage is what was the issue, not the parenting style. Each of you has valuable strengths as a parent. Remember to recognize the different traits you and your ex have—and reinforce this awareness with your children. The repercussions of co-parenting conflict? Children exposed to conflict between co-parents are more likely to develop issues such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD.

9. Keep Conversations Kid-focused.

10. Pick and Choose Your Battles with Your Ex. Yes, discuss important decisions about school or health, but what time your child goes to bed whether at 8 p.m. in one house vs. 8:30 in another or when they take a bath in the morning or the evening is not important so try to let that go. Focus on the bigger issues. In fact, this teaches your child flexibility.

Transitions:  

  1. Be timely.

  2. Help children anticipate change. Remind the kids they’ll be leaving for the other parent’s house for a day or two before the visit. Have a visual calendar that is up and helps for the anticipation. 

  3. Pack their special stuffed toy or photograph. Some parents will have security blankets or the same stuffies at each house or one that goes between households. 

  4. The exchange should be quick and positive.

  5. When your child returns refrain from asking a lot of questions. Have a consistent activity or pre-planned activity that was on the calendar planned, so they know what to expect when they return. 

Reena B. Patel (LEP, BCBA) is a renowned parenting expert, guidance counselor, licensed educational psychologist, and board-certified behavior analyst. Patel has had the privilege of working with families and children, supporting all aspects of education and positive wellness; recently nominated for San Diego Magazine’s Woman of the Year

 

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Explain Social Distancing to the Littlest Members of Your Family with “Time to Come In, Bear”

by Jennifer Swartvagher

Practicing social distancing is hard but explaining the need to stay inside to your preschooler is even harder. Little ones might not be able to grasp what is going on, but children’s books can serve as a good starting point when explaining the severity of the situation in a language they understand. Author, Kim St. Lawrence saw the need for a resource to help parents have this difficult conversation so she created a video version of a children’s book about social distancing called Time to Come In, Bear, and she shared it on YouTube for families to access for free.

Bunny needs to explain to his friend, Bear, why they need to stay inside. “The world caught a cold. You won’t get the germs if you just stay at home.” Bunny highlights all of the fun things they can do and recognizes the loss that Bear will feel during this time. The video also address questions from how long it will last to why they can’t see friends and family. It also explains that there are heroes out there working to protect everyone. 

St. Lawrence commented, “No children’s story should be written in a weekend, but I wanted to get this out while social distancing is so important for prevention. We’re in awe of parents who are navigating this new normal with their littles and hope this will help to start a dialogue or provide comfort in uncertain times.”

While no book will be able to answer all of your child’s questions, this video offers a great starting point.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Kim St. Lawrence via YouTube

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The Smithsonian’s Annual Museum Day Cancelled

by Karly Wood

The Smithsonian has released the following statement in regards to the Annual Museum Day: “Smithsonian Magazine Museum Day 2020 will not take place on April 4. As a public health precaution, the Smithsonian is postponing or canceling all public events, programming and gatherings through May 3. We appreciate your understanding.”

Original coverage continues below:

April 4, 2020 is the 16th Annual Museum Day! Designated by Smithsonian Magazine, this annual event invites museums all across the United States to open their doors for free to those who download a branded ticket.

This year is extra special, as it celebrates the 50th anniversary of Smithsonian Magazine. Museums, zoos and cultural centers from all 50 states will offer free admission, an emulation of the Smithsonian Institution’s Washington, D.C.-based facilities, where you can enter for free every day.

 

photo: Alejandro Barba via Unsplash

This year, museums in all 50 states have signed up to participate in Smithsonian Magazine’s 2020 Museum Day. In all, more than 1,200 museums are anticipated to be a part of the event.

The theme for this year’s event is Earth Optimism, which is described as “a vision, a set of events, and a movement, to showcase a change in focus from the problem to solution, from a sense of loss to one of hope, in the dialogue about conservation and sustainability.”

If you’d like to take advantage of Museum Day 2020, you can can visit Smithsonianmag.com/museumday to learn more and download a ticket. Each ticket allows the ticket holder and one guest free access to any participating museum on Apr. 4, 2020, and there is a limit of one ticket per email address. To see the full list of participating museums, visit  smithsonianmag.com/museumday/search.

––Karly Wood

 

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How to Turn a “To-Do” List Into a Teachable Moment

By Gay Cioffi

When I sit down to write my daily “to-do” list – yes, I’m old school, no iPhone notes for me – my three-year-old granddaughter asks to make a “to-do” list too. I gladly oblige, making paper and markers available, for several reasons, since such an activity is loaded with learning.

To begin with, she is being introduced to the concept of planning. It seems like a sophisticated enterprise, but even young children can and should practice planning. Whether it’s envisioning what two or three activities to do next, or thinking about what they will do when they get to the playground, when given practice with planning, children are exercising both their memory and their imagination. It also helps in the social realm as well, as they can be prepared emotionally for what’s coming up.

Next is the potential for speech and language development. Saying to children, “hmm, let’s think, what do we usually do after breakfast?” gives them practice with both receptive and expressive language. Asking them to name the activities that are part of their daily routine provides practice with articulation and increased vocabulary. Real dialogue can emerge from such conversations, and rather than just a question and answer period, children may even volunteer their most and least favorite daily activities, which elicits even more practice with language.

Finally, by making a graphic representation of the things they are going to do, even a representation that is just a series of lines and scribbles, the child is participating in the early stages of writing, which is, after all, the process of using symbols to communicate thoughts and ideas. Planting these seeds early provides a firm foundation for future learning in reading and writing.

So whether you are making a grocery list, or notes to yourself about what needs to get done today or this week, consider asking your child to join in. It’s what educators call a teachable moment. Plus it’s fun too!

I am a parent and grandparent with over four decades of experience in early childhood education. I share my passion, wisdom and experience, with parents and the people who care for and about children at Little Folks Big Questions, where we're out to answer the questions parents face in today's world.

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American Airlines Will Now Carry Auvi-Q Epinephrine Auto-Injectors

by Erica Loop

Flying with a food allergy just got safer. Kaléo, the makers of Auvi-Q auto-injectors, recently reported that the company’s epinephrine pens are now included in American Airlines’ emergency medical kits.

The pen-filled kits, which are now on-board AA’s main fleet, are a step up from the syringe and vile versions the airline (and other airlines) previously stocked.

photo: Johannes Rapprich via Pexels

Kaléo’s general manager of allergy and pediatrics, Omar Khalil, told Allergic Living, “My understanding is when American Airlines was renewing its contract and emergency medical kit options, Auvi-Q was presented to them as a way to both enhance the components of their emergency medical kits and also as a means to be ready for an [anaphylaxis] situation that could take place in the air.”

The recent collab between Kaléo, AA and emergency medical kit distributors HealthFirst and MedAire means the airlines’ almost-900 planes will have Auvi-Q 0.3 mg and Auvi-Q 0.15 mg auto-injectors.

Along with AA, Alaska Airlines and Hawaiian Airlines also carry Auvi-Q auto-injectors. If you’re wondering when other airlines will get on-board with this potentially life-saving change, Khalil added, “According to our distributors, they are also in dialogue with a number of other major airlines.”

—Erica Loop

 

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Kids Allowance Is Increasing Faster than American Wages, According to Study

by Shahrzad Warkentin

The economy is looking pretty good… if you happen to be a kid. A new study reveals that kids allowance is increasing at a faster rate than wages in America.

A recent survey conducted by The Harris Poll on behalf of the American Institute of CPAs (AICPA) polled 1,002 U.S. adults on the subject of kids’ allowance. What exactly did it find?

The survey found that kids are taking in an average of $30 per week, which adds up to $1,500 a year. The average rate for hourly chores is $6.11, up 38 percent from 2016. Meanwhile, the average hourly pay rate for all Americans increased by just 10.5 percent ($25.43 in 2016 vs. $28.11 in 2019) according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

More than 4 in 5 Americans believe kids should receive an allowance, with 52 percent agreeing that every cent should be earned and linked to chores. While a quarter (27 percent) believes it should be partially earned and partially gifted. Two-thirds of American parents give their kids an allowance of some sort, while 75 percent said the most important purpose of providing an allowance to kids is to teach them about the value of money and financial responsibility. Unfortunately, the survey found that allowance money is rarely saved.

photo: Rawpixel via Pexels 

Luckily the AICPA has some advice for parents looking to teach their kids about the importance of savings. “Rather than giving your child money to spend freely, consider an allocation process that rewards them for both short- and long-term thinking. Encourage them to set aside a percentage of the money they earn each week for certain spending categories like outings with friends, short-term savings, and long-term savings such as a college fund. Encourage even more savings by offering to match their long-term savings stockpile dollar for dollar,” says David Almonte, CPA member of the AICPA Financial Literacy Commission.

It’s important to have an open dialogue with your kids about money as well. The more often you engage your kids in financial discussions, the more likely they are to learn.

“Let your child set their own goals and help guide them towards them. Along the way, teach the principles of saving and budgeting. If a new game console is on their want list, show them how to calculate the amount that needs to be saved each week to reach that goal. For instance, if they receive $30 a week, but want a $240 gaming system, remind them that their goal equals eight weeks of allowance. Then, if there is temptation to splurge on a spontaneous item, like candy in the check-out aisle, ask whether it fits into their budget. This will help teach how skipping short-term wants can help them reach their long-term goals,” advises Monica Sonnier, CPA member of the AICPA Financial Literacy Commission.

—Shahrzad Warkentin

 

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How to Create Healthy Boundaries for Kids

By Laurie Warren

Photo: iStock

Our school-aged kids have embarked on a new school year. For both parent and child, this time of transition can present both promise and challenge. One form of challenge is the significant pressure felt by kids to have, do, fit in and achieve. Kids perceive subtle and not-so-subtle pressures from the adults in their lives, from their peers and from society-at-large. Healthy boundaries, and communication of those boundaries, are important allies for our kids’ mental health and well-being—for a lifetime.

What are boundaries? Healthy boundaries are created by a child knowing what is okay and not okay for them, at a given time, along with the ability to communicate about that okay-ness or not-okay-ness—with both their peers and adults. We teach our kids that when they stand in who they are, they’re strengthened by the self-respect and self-love that arises from them honoring what’s okay and not okay for them.

Lack of healthy boundaries contributes to anxiety, stress, depression and overwhelm our kids. Meanwhile, creating and maintaining healthy boundaries can help our child feel confident, resilient, happy, comfortable in their life and centered in who they are. There are six approaches—three for you and three to teach your kids—that will help you guide your child in starting off their school year happier and healthier while building tools for life.

Start With You (For Parents)

1. Build your own boundary-setting skills.

Most anything in the parenting department must start with us, as opposed to simply things we tell our kids. In this case, having healthy boundaries and saying no are skills that many adults struggle with! And our kids learn most by what we model to them, as opposed to what we tell them. I invite you to use the approaches below to create healthy boundaries in your own life.

2. Release the pressure valve.

Our Gen Z kids have an immense amount of societal and parental pressure on them to be amazing and successful. Often without any definition of what comprises “amazing” or “successful.” The message often seems to simply be “more, better, faster.” Be mindful of how much you may be pressuring your child—even subtly— around grades, extra-curricular activities, college entry, and social status.

My youngest child, now 17, created a healthy boundary with me last year. He’s interested in attending college, and when I told him this past spring that we’d only visited one college and we needed to get cracking on college visits, he disagreed. “Mom, there’s basically two colleges I’m interested in going to, and I expect I’ll get in. I don’t want to take any more time out of school for these college visits. It’s stressful to constantly be catching up.” Point taken.

3. Pay attention to your child’s feelings.

If your child is continually talking about feeling stressed, overburdened or overwhelmed—or you notice them staying up too late to finish homework—open a dialogue about time management, saying no and boundaries. This doesn’t always ensure that they’ll open up to you at the moment, but the door has been opened for them to come to you for help, once they have time to sort out their feelings.

Teaching Your Kids How to Create Healthy Boundaries

1. Start a dialogue about “no” and healthy boundaries.

Open the conversation about boundaries and re-visit it every so often, especially when you sense a child is struggling with it. Help your child be clear about what is okay, and not okay, for them. They need to be able to say no to their peers and, in some cases, adults.

2. Rehearse phrases for “no” and boundary-setting.

It’s hard to say no and set boundaries; this is true for adults and even more so for kids. Our kids can feel supported in this endeavor by learning to communicate clearly and kindly by rehearsing phrases like, “That’s not comfortable for me” or “Thanks, but I’m not interested” or “Unfortunately, I can’t take that on” or “Sounds fun, but I have to pass.” These practiced responses can be game-changers when kids are able to pull them out at the moment, helping them navigate a situation that might otherwise feel uncomfortable.

3. Help your child build confidence and resilience.

Saying no and being clear about boundaries can help build confidence and resilience, and building confidence and resilience can help kids be better at saying no and being clear about boundaries. Unfortunately, practicing these skills that we’re discussing can be challenging from a place of “I’m not enough.”

Help your kids see and appreciate their strengths. I’ve often been amazed to find that my kids can be blind to their own inherent strengths and gifts and that it can be game-changing for them to have them lovingly pointed out for them. We can also encourage our kids to get involved in hobbies, chores, sports or organizations where they feel like a valuable creator or contributor.

Saying no and creating healthy boundaries is a muscle that we build up over time so that it becomes easier to call upon when we need it, and to use as a life tool. The great news is, that the effort you expend in working with your kids on this, will serve you as well!

I work as a change agent for empowered well-being in body, mind, and spirit. I help people and organizations be healthier and happier via speaking, writing, corporate consulting, and working with individual clients. I enjoy nature, music, reading, travel, my four kids, and my two grandchildren.

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