There can never be too many corny jokes on hand

While we don’t recommend quitting your day job and taking these corny jokes on the road (do people still throw rotten tomatoes?), we do promise that if delivered with enough enthusiasm—or by an undeniably cute kid—these cheesy jokes will get some chuckles. And, when you’re done with these, be sure to share our favorite knock-knock jokes, summer jokes, funny dad jokes, and our ultimate list of jokes for kids that are always good for a laugh.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy.

Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Theodore
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed.

Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
No silly, cows go MOO.

Q: Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
A: Because he was a little shellfish.

Q: What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A: A Bed

Q: What do you call an angry carrot? 
A: A steamed veggie.

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless.

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!

Q: What do call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho Cheese

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Etch
Etch who?
Bless you!

Q: How do you make an egg roll?
A: You push it!

Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary?
A: Wrong.

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Mikey
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

Q: Why were the fish’s grades bad?
A: They were below sea level.

Q: What do you call a sad berry?
A: A blueberry

Q: Why are cornfields bad places to tell secrets? 
A: They’re full of ears.

Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? 
A: In case he got a hole in one.

Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless.

Good news for coffee drinkers (so, all moms). Moderate consumption of “unsweetened and sugar-sweetened coffee” has been shown to increase longevity, according to a new study. That’s right. Pour that second cup as you chase your family out the door in the morning and go about your day.

The study, published in Annals of Internal Medicine, found people between the ages of 37 and 73 who drank 1.5 to 3.5 cups of coffee per day (even with a teaspoon of sugar) were around 30 percent less likely to die than those who didn’t. In fact, the more you drink (to a reasonable point), the lower your risk of dying.

Researchers found people who drank unsweetened coffee were 16 to 21 percent less likely to die (we know, it sounds morbid), and those who consumed three cups per day had the lowest risk when compared to noncoffee drinkers. Of course, this doesn’t mean you can go to your local Starbucks and order a triple grande vanilla latte with added whip. “All bets are off when it comes to matching this with a latte, a Frappuccino, the super mocha whipped whatever,” said Dr. Eric Goldberg, a clinical associate professor of medicine at the N.Y.U. Grossman School of Medicine. These drinks are higher in calories, fat, deliciousness, etc.

But the study results had researchers and coffee drinkers celebrating. “It’s huge. There are very few things that reduce your mortality by 30 percent,” said Dr. Christina Wee, an associate professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School and a deputy editor of Annals of Internal Medicine.

For this study, researchers looked at coffee consumption data collected from more than 170,000 people from the U.K. Biobank, a large medical and health information database from people across Britain. The mortality risk remained lower across the seven years they followed participants, which included both decaffeinated and caffeinated coffee drinkers. The data was inconclusive for people who used artificial sweeteners, so clearly, real sugar is the way to go.

This isn’t the first study to find such results. Researchers from the Keck School of Medicine in Los Angeles tracked more than 185,000 people over 16 years and found people who drank one cup of coffee per day were 12 percent less likely to die during the course of the study than those who didn’t drink any.

It’s official. Parents can keep fueling their bodies with the brown stuff all day. Science said so, and we’re exhausted. Let us have this.

How will you celebrate Easter in 2021? OnePoll (on behalf of HI-CHEW) recently conducted a survey of 2,000 American parents and the results show that family, safety and holiday traditions are key to this year’s celebrations.

According to OnePoll’s results, 73 percent of parents rank celebrating with extended family as the best part of Easter. Of course, with the “new normal” changing almost everything about anything parents do, this extended family type of Easter awesomeness won’t look the same in 2021.

photo courtesy of OnePoll/HI-CHEW

Eighty-one percent of the parents surveyed agree they need to find a “safe” way to bring their families together this year. This includes virtual gatherings and Easter egg hunts as well as outdoor activities such as picnics.

If you’re planning a classic Easter-time egg dying day type of holiday event, you aren’t alone. OnePoll’s survey found 41 percent of parents will have this sort of Easter activity at their own home this year. Another 42 percent plan on having an Easter celebration at a family member’s house, while 24 percent say they’ll go to a church, 18 percent plan on a public park day and 14 percent will dine out at a restaurant.

To make the day safer, 67 percent of survey participants say hand washing and sanitizing is an important part of their Easter day, 64 percent plan to wear masks/face coverings in public, 51 percent will spend family time in a social distant outdoor space and 25 percent will call ahead to make restaurant reservations.

Along with where they’ll spend the holiday and how they’ll maintain a safe celebration setting, the surveyed families also reported on their top Easter activities. A whopping 83 percent will have an Easter egg hunt, 69 percent will eat candy, 69 percent will dye eggs, 58 percent will take fam photos, 57 percent will make a holiday dinner, 51 percent will put together Easter baskets and 42 percent will get crafty with Easter projects.

If you’re wondering how much candy other parents buy or how much they allow their kiddos to eat, the survey has answers. The parents surveyed said they’ll buy an average of four bags of candy and will allow their children to eat 12 pieces!

—Erica Loop

Featured photo: Cottonbro via Pexels

 

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Has 2020 been a year to remember, or what? I think it earns the distinction of being the one that most people think they would rather forget.

Call me a Pollyanna, but I always try to find the positive, even in challenging situations. While I didn’t request a pandemic, I have discovered much about myself and my relationship with my kids during this trying time. Here are seven parenting lessons I’ve learned in 2020.

1. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. What happens when your shift starts in two minutes, but your internet has been out for 20, and you can’t reach a representative to save your life? You get skilled at writing apology letters, and you meditate—a lot—while drinking gallons of green tea. There’s nothing else you can do.

2020 has taught me not to sweat the small stuff. I’ve embraced the “will it matter in five years” rule regarding unforeseen inconveniences. After all, when each new sunrise brings a fresh batch of hurdles to overcome, your only alternatives are to pull the covers over your head or square your shoulders.

Pro-Tip: when you have kids, the bedsheets never hide you for long. Straighten your crown, take a deep breath, do the best you can and forget the rest.

2. Expect the Unexpected. If there’s anything certain in 2020, it’s uncertainty. While you can’t prepare for every contingency—I doubt many saw this pandemic coming and had a stash of toilet paper at the ready—you can take steps to protect those you love.

I don’t want to think about dying, but nor do I consider myself immune to novel coronaviruses or any other bug—or out-of-control drivers or hurricanes. Although I cut expenses like everyone else, I made sure to keep my life insurance paid. I don’t want anyone dipping into my kids’ college funds to pay for my casket.

3. Flexibility Is a Must. If you think showing up for work late is bad, try an internet outage when it’s your child’s show and tell day at their new virtual school. You may have heard Justin Timberlake sing “Cry Me a River,” but you never witnessed it until you have a disappointed 6-year-old.

If you want to win Mom of the Year, you need to think on your feet. What if you’re sure the teacher will allow a make-up, but your child remains unconvinced that anyone will care about her presentation after the big day? Take her to the park, find the most rockin’ thing you can find—even if it is an interesting rock—and delight her with her new and improved share-time treat that everyone will be dying to see.

4. Exercise Burns Frustration. I’m surprised that I have any pillows left with stuffing intact. Why? One of my family’s favorite ways to relieve stress is by whacking the ever-loving poop out of our mattresses with them.

There’s something soothing about screaming, “I. Am. So. Angry. Right. Now” while beating the fluff out of an inanimate object to punctuate each end mark. My kiddos took to the idea like ducks.

We express our frustration in other ways, too. Sometimes, we’ll put on tunes and dance like dervishes until we collapse, exhausted, on the living room rug. Hey, we’re burning calories along with frustration, and we aren’t hurting anyone. Plus, the exercise bathes our bodies in feel-good endorphins. When tough times call, let science answer.

5. Yoga & Meditation Are for Everyone. Every mom needs time to herself, and I used to get a bit tense when my eldest wanted to practice yoga with me. 2020 taught me that mindful activity benefits everyone, not only those over the age of 18.

Since she’s young, she’ll meditate for one minute for each year of her age. I can see the improvement in her behavior. I’m glad that I introduced her to my practice, even if she only partially participates. It gives her valuable coping skills for later in life.

6. The Best Things in Life Are Free. We loved our local library before the pandemic, but we adore the curbside pick-up options since it broke. While it’s not as fun to browse virtual bookshelves as real-life ones, I know that doing so keeps us safe.

Although we’re doing okay financially, we aren’t rich. We did cut back considerably to save cash during these trying times. However, my eldest now adores playing her kid-sized version of “Chopped.” I consider myself a culinary whiz, but it’s even more impressive to see what she does with the leftovers in her “basket.”

7. Cherish Every Precious Moment with Your Little Ones. If there’s one lesson that 2020 taught me more than anything, it’s to cherish those I love. It’s not the first time I thought about the importance of always telling family members you care before leaving in the morning. I felt nervous after each school shooting. However, while you can see a gunman, you can’t visualize a microscopic virus or where it may lurk.

There are no certainties in life, and another day with your precious loved ones isn’t guaranteed. Instead of groaning at another day of cabin fever, cherish the increased time you have with those you hold dearest. If the pandemic taught us anything, it’s that you never know when you’d give anything to have those moments back.

And while I’ll be glad to see 2020 end on January 1, 2021, I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned. What has this crazy year taught you and your family?

Jennifer Landis is a mom, wife, freelance writer, and blogger. She enjoys long naps on the couch, sneaking spoonfuls of peanut butter when her kid's not looking, and binge watching Doctor Who while her kid's asleep.  She really does like her kid, though, she promises. Find her on Twitter @JenniferELandis.

It’s all about that…baby! Meghan Trainor and Daryl Sabara are expecting their first child. The couple revealed the good news during an appearance on TODAY with Hoda & Jenna followed by Instagram posts featuring a sweet sonogram photo.

Meghan Trainor & Daryl Sabara

“I’m very good as you can tell — it’s all Christmas here (referencing her new Christmas album),”Trainor teased, “But there’s other news that I’m dying to tell you and my heart’s pounding out of my chest.”

Trainor motioned offscreen,  “Hit it, Daryl,” as a onesie featuring Hoda’s face scrolled across the screen, “We’re pregnant!”

“We’re so excited we couldn’t sleep,” said Trainor. “We’ve been waiting for so long. I was thinking about who do we tell first and I’ve told Hoda since I was 19, going to the TODAY show, ‘I will have the most babies in the world.’ “

Trainor also posted an announcement to her Instagram page saying, “You all know how long I’ve wanted this!!!!”

Sabara followed suit, posting the same picture with the caption, “I love you @meghan_trainor and I can’t wait to start a family with you.”

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: DFree via Shutterstock

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The doctor is in. Disney+ announced a re-imagining of the popular ABC series “Doogie Howser, M.D.,” has been picked up to series and is scheduled to go into production later this year. Doogie Kameāloha, M.D. is coming to the streaming service in 2021.

Disney+

Set in modern-day Hawaii, the 10-episode comedy follows Lahela “Doogie” Kameāloha, a mixed race 16-year-old girl, juggling a budding medical career and life as a teenager. Guiding Lahela (and also complicating things) is her family, including her spit-fire Irish mother who’s also her supervisor at the hospital, and her Hawaiian “Local Boy” father struggling to accept that his daughter is no longer his little girl. 

“Thirty years ago, a young medical prodigy took the world by storm and left a lasting impact on pop culture,” said Ricky Strauss, president, Content and Marketing, Disney+. “Kourtney and the team at 20th Television have created a very modern take on this beloved property which will resonate with our global Disney+ audience. We can’t wait to introduce the world to the new Doogie!”

Doogie Howser MD is beloved by everyone at our studio, so we knew that if we were going to reinvent it for a new generation, we had to have both the blessing and participation of the Bochcos and a creator with a fresh, new take that made us lean in,” commented Carolyn Cassidy, president, 20th Television. “Kourtney’s vision for the character is so inspired, we’ve been dying to collaborate with Melvin and Jake again, and Disney+ is exactly the right home for this idea. We couldn’t be more excited.” 

Running for four seasons on ABC from 1989 to 1993, Doogie Howser, M.D. starred Neil Patrick Harris as the now iconic doctor. The hit series catapulted Harris into television stardom and made the term “Doogie Howser” synonymous with kid geniuses.  

Doogie Kameāloha, M.D. is written and executive produced by Kourtney Kang and produced by 20th Television, a part of Disney Television Studios.  Jake Kasdan and Melvin Mar will executive produce and Dayna and Jesse Bochco will produce the half-hour comedy series.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Kon Karampelas on Unsplash

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Along with dying eggs there are many crafts and activities you can do to get ready for the Easter Bunny. Now you can create the springtime version of a gingerbread house. These Bunny Hutch Kits from Wilton include everything you need to build and decorate a chocolate cookie house.

Wilton Bunny Hutch
The Wilton Build it Yourself Chocolate Bunny Hutch Kit helps you build and decorate an adorable bunny hutch centerpiece for your Easter table. It comes complete with 6 pre-baked chocolate cookie panels, 2 types of candy, bunny butt icing decorations, light blue and vibrant green ready-to-use icing, yellow and pink icing tubes, 2 decorating bags, star and round decorating tips. Each kit also includes decorating inspiration and instructions.

The assembled hutch measures approximately 5.25 wide x 5.5 deep x 5.25 in. high.

These kits are available at both Target and Walmart.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Walmart

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The History Behind Handwashing

If you’re like us, you’re probably curious about how ideas get turned into reality. Well, here’s one that seems like a no-brainer to most of us: Washing your hands helps prevent the spread of illnesses like the coronavirus. Seems simple enough, right? Well, it took one doctor, multiple experiments, and a whole lot of opposition before the practice became mainstream.

In 1846, Hungarian doctor Ignaz Semmelweis was working in a maternity hospital in Vienna, Austria. He saw many women dying of a particular type of fever, commonly known as childbed fever, and he wanted to figure out why. So Dr. Semmelweis began experimenting by comparing two groups of women—one with male doctors and medical students delivering their babies, and the other with women midwives (women who specialized in helping with childbirth) delivering their babies.

Turns out, more women were dying in the ward with the male doctors and medical students than the women who had midwives. Semmelweis then conducted experiments with different conditions, none of which produced any changes in the results. He tried getting the mothers in the doctors’ wards to deliver babies and reduce distractions (just like with mothers in the midwives’ wards), but there were no changes; still more women were dying in the wards with doctors and medical students than women with midwives.

Finally, Semmelweis discovered one key difference between the two groups: The doctors and medical students were performing other tasks, such as autopsies on dead bodies, while the midwives were just there to help deliver babies. Could it be that particles from the dead bodies made their way from the doctors’ and medical students’ hands into the delivery ward? Semmelweis then required his doctors to wash their hands (with chlorine, no less) and voila, the number of deaths in the doctors’ wards went down!

Oddly enough, Semmelweis was shunned for his discovery because many doctors were offended that their lack of hygiene might be the reason patients were dying. It wasn’t until another scientist, Louis Pasteur, confirmed years later that the method was a sure way to reduce the spread of germs and infections that handwashing was taken more seriously as a way of preventing the spread of disease.

Nowadays, no one questions that handwashing is one of the best things to do for staying healthy and preventing the spread of disease. Want to know how you should wash your hands? Check out this step by step guide from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

 

This post originally appeared on Xyza: News for Kids.
Joann Suen & Sapna Satagopan
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

We're two perfectly imperfect moms who have five very different kids between the two of us. We believe that topics in news are a fantastic way to spark conversations in families. That's why we started the Dinner Table Conversation series here at Xyza: News for Kids. Won't you join us in the conversation? 

Tuck the kids into bed and treat yourself to a new chocolate treat unlike anything you’ve had before. Pink chocolate is officially a trend and what’s not to love?

Häagen-Dazs Ruby Cacao collection is the latest entry into the parade of sweet treats to feature this unique cacao bean and you’ll be dying to try it. The brand has not one, but two new limited-edition ice cream treats featuring the newly created chocolate.

As Häagen-Dazs explains, the ruby cacao bean gives the taste of intense berry fruitiness (similar to blueberries). The end result of processing this special cacao bean is a special chocolate that is pink and fruity without the addition of any color or fruit flavoring.

The ice cream maker is introducing both a pint and a bar featuring this intriguing new ingredient. The Ruby Cacao Crackle TRIO CRISPY LAYERS features Häagen-Dazs pistachio and sweet cream ice cream layered between crispy ruby cacao.

The other limited release flavor, Ruby Cacao Ice Cream Bars is a sweet cream ice cream dipped in rich ruby cacao coating with berry fruity notes.

Both new treats will be available in stores nationwide now through September. Starting Feb. 1. Häagen-Dazs shops will also offer ruby cacao sundaes, dipped bars and cones.

—Shahrzad Warkentin

All photos: Courtesy of Häagen-Dazs

 

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