I hear it all the time: parents flippantly calling their day care a “babysitter.” It irks me—silently eating away at the pride I carry in the work that I do.
You see, in my mind and heart, I am your child care provider, your child’s teacher. I’m the wiper of dirty faces and hugger of hurt feelings. I love and worry about your kid almost as much as you do. I know who has a poopy diaper by smell alone. I know your child’s favorite colors, songs, and funny little quirks.
I am not a babysitter. A sitter is the teenager who comes to watch movies, eat pizza, and put your kids to sleep so that you can enjoy a rare night off. She does less work and is paid more an hour per kid. She may make your kids laugh—but she won’t understand what brings joy to their hearts.
The truth is, I rarely sit—unless it’s with a baby snuggled in the safety of my arms while I feed him a freshly warmed bottle. Or because your child asked me to read Guess How Much I Love You for the 12th time today. (After all, we both know that lap sitting is the best way to listen to your favorite book.)
Most of the time, when you arrive during pick-up, I’m standing. I’m standing in the kitchen, washing a dish. I’m pulling a child off the furniture. I’m mediating an argument. I’m changing a diaper. A baby is probably slung on my back with my ever-essential Lillebaby and I’m guzzling the last dregs of my cold coffee. I may be found repeating (patiently, but with muzzled exasperation)“keep your hands to yourself” for the 10,000th time. My feet are unpolished, calloused, and aching. Chances are, I’ll be on them.
I will never be just your “sitter”—and here’s why. I am a provider. I provide comfort for boo-boos. I provide discipline, teaching your child right from wrong and showing them how to respect their friends. Together, they learn practical life skills, how to care for their environment (when they aren’t tearing everything apart in their play, because balance) and how to practice gentle hands when they get frustrated and hit a friend.
When the time comes, I potty-train them. We tie shoes, paint, and talk about shapes and colors. As babies, I help them learn to feed themselves. Every day, your kids are provided wholesome meals and a happy, clean(ish) home to spend their days in. When your children are in my care, they are stimulated. I provide them with sensory bins and paint, setting them up in situations where they learn problem-solving and build their vocabulary.
But most of all, I provide your child love. And as any parent who has ever had to leave their child with someone else knows, nothing is more vital to your conscience and your child’s development than being loved.
You see, being a child care provider is about so much more than passing the time with your child until you come to pick them up (although some days, it may feel like that). It’s not about finding a way to be at home with my own kids and still make money.
I am a provider because I love kids. I am a provider because I love your kids. In my eyes, there is no job more vital than raising the next generation to be thoughtful, kind, brave, and confident.
A sitter is an insult to the care I feel for your children. Don’t get me wrong: I am not a replacement for you. No one will ever, ever replace mom. But we are a team, your family and mine. Our goal is to raise healthy, happy children—together.
Last year, one of my day care littles was baptized, and the family asked me to come to the baptism. Honored, I was so happy to go and sit with the family (who really feel like an extension of my own). But during the baptism, when they ushered me to the front, I stood with his Nana and sisters and cousins and aunts, because “You’re family, too.” I grinned awkwardly and inwardly danced with pride while I watched the little man be baptized.
After the service, their pastor introduced himself. “So, how are you related to the family?” he inquired, as his firm, wrinkled hands shook mine. That’s when my day care mom stepped in.
“Oh, well she’s our sitter—but she’s not. She’s so much more than that…sitter doesn’t really cover it, does it? She’s the one who raises our kids when I’m not there.” She knew, and I knew, how valuable we were to each other. How much I loved her children and how much she respected me for it. But that poor pastor’s face…
How do you explain the importance of the woman who helps raise your child? How do you explain the trust and bond between parent and provider? It’s not an easy choice, the decision to leave your child, for much of his or her day, in the care of someone else—particularly in the care of a stranger. It is, however, a decision that is made easier by the knowledge that you are leaving your child with a child care provider. And not just a “sitter.”
As a childcare provider, photographer and writer, I get motherhood: Feeling like you're doing too much, and not enough. Finding your identity somewhere between "I am woman, hear me roar" and "I am mom, hear me yell." I see you, I've been there. We are in it together.
The end of summer always gives me palpitations. Still. I’ve been teaching for over a decade, and my insides still start to short-circuit when I think about going back to school.
In about a week from now, the nightmares will start, and they are always the same: The kids are going buck-wild, I’m screaming like a lunatic, and anarchy is reigning in my classroom.
Thankfully, that has only happened in dreamland, but every teacher wonders about the class they’ll get in the fall. Will I have good kids? Motivated? Open to learning? Or will they be lazy? Hard to handle? Apathetic? I’ve had the whole gamut… some years I’ve loved teaching, and some years I swore this was it for me and I was never going back.
I can speak for the majority of teachers; we pour our heart and soul into your kids. Truly, we do. Our job is never done at 3:15. Our evenings, weekends, holidays, and vacations are not our own. Most teachers I know are grading, planning, and creating. For your kids. Our work comes home with us more often than it doesn’t. Even when we aren’t working, our minds are constantly whirring with new ideas—brainstorming, problem-solving, and wracking our brains for ways to help your child “get it.”
I’m not saying all this for applause, but so you know how thoroughly invested we are in the well-being of your child. We would not be teaching if we weren’t; the financial return for the investment of time and energy just doesn’t add up. We don’t feel good about ourselves—and our job—if your kid is not successful.
If you have kids in school, regardless of their age, you know how important the student-parent-teacher trio is when it comes to a child’s education. With that in mind, here are some things I think your child’s teacher might say to you if they could to make sure this year is a great one.
1. If your school has an online portal, please use it
We work very hard to keep records and grades up to date. I can’t call or email you every time your child does not do his homework. I know some of you are ‘not into’ technology, but please, for your child’s sake, learn about your school’s system. It has valuable information about your child’s progress. Please check it—and often. It is much easier to catch your child before they sink if you know they are in danger.
2. Beware of the distraction of technology
Smartphones, the internet, video games, and TV can be huge distractions. Please support us when we make rules about iPads and phones in the class and when we confiscate them. As much as we would like to think they are an asset to education, 99.9% of the time, they are a distraction. When your child is at home, provide some boundaries—set “no technology” zones and times and enforce them.
Many kids are on their cell phones all night, texting back and forth with their friends, and then they fall asleep in class. And honestly, most kids are addicted to their devices. They cannot part with them even for a class period. All of this is detrimental to your child’s success. And please. Do not text your child when you know they are in class!
3. Please have an open mind if we need to call you about an issue at school
It might be hard to believe that your child could behave inappropriately at school (or maybe not!), but trust us—we are way too busy to invent stories to call home about. We are not calling to bad-mouth your child. We are calling for intervention and solutions. Our goal is to problem-solve.
4. Teachers love involved parents; they do not love helicopter parents
It is so important for parents not to “hover” and to give their kids a chance to grow up and learn. You are crippling your child and doing an enormous disservice to them if you always come to their rescue and never let them experience the consequences of their decisions. You are not helping your child in any way by enabling, babying, or making excuses for them.
5. Please respect our boundaries
We give 150% during the week when we are with your kids. Please do not call us at home or on our cell phones. Even if a teacher gives you their cell, don’t use it. Call the school. Send an email. Go through the professional channels and respect their privacy. Teachers need downtime on weekends to recharge, just as you do. Do not expect replies to emails or return phone calls on weekends.
And if we run into you in church or the store, please just let us be human and not your child’s teacher. Let’s chit-chat and make small talk. But we don’t want to have a parent conference in the cookie aisle (or any aisle) at the grocery store.
6. Be willing to teach your child character
This goes along with No. 4. Life is unfair sometimes. Your child will get hurt. Your child will be treated unfairly. Your child will struggle. I know it hurts even just thinking about it. As much as we all want to, we cannot protect them from every source of pain and discomfort. This is heartbreaking, and I truly wish we could. We hate to see your child suffer, too.
What we can do is teach them how to navigate through these difficult parts of life with character: integrity, honesty, self-respect, maturity, and perseverance. Teach your children coping skills. Teach them how to resolve conflict. Those are the life lessons that are invaluable!
7. Two of the most important qualities we need you to help us build in your child are discipline and self-control
We live in an instant-gratification society. Teach them to wait. Teach them discipline. Teach them to work hard on tasks they don’t enjoy, to persevere on assignments they are struggling with, and to discipline themselves to create good habits and break bad ones. Teach them that they do not have to react emotionally to every emotion they feel. If they are weak in these two areas, everything unravels quickly after that.
8. Late work gets graded last
This might seem minor, but this comes up all the time! If your child turns in work late, it goes to the bottom of the grading pile. It might take some time before late work is graded.
9. Help us teach your child accountability for their work
I didn’t “give” your child a bad grade, and I didn’t “fail” them. Your child earned it. We want to work with both you and your child so they can do better next time. We are happy to discuss any questions you have, but we hope you can trust the judgment and qualifications of your child’s teacher in assessing their work.
10. Be a positive voice in your child’s life, no matter what
We want to encourage your child, and we need you to encourage them, too. They need positive adults who believe in them. We don’t expect them to be perfect, but they need to know that we believe in them. Even if your child disappoints you, lets you down, frustrates you—still call out the best in them. Your kids need to know you love them and accept them unconditionally. They need to know that you believe in them, not just that we do. Deep down, most kids want you to be proud of them. Never underestimate the power of life-giving words.
On behalf of all teachers, thank you for letting us play such an important role in your child’s life. We truly, truly love and care about your child. We recognize that, on any given day, we might spend more time with them than you do. That is an honor we do not take lightly.
Hi! I'm a Christian, former high school teacher and current SAHM to my twin toddlers! These boys are our miracle babies after years of infertility and miscarriages. I love being able to help other busy moms balance all the things that matter: faith, family, home, health at A Hundred Affections.
Teaching young children how to handle their finances pays huge dividends (pun 100% intended) both now and in the future. Not sure how to craft age-appropriate lessons for your squad? We interviewed four financial professionals and came up with a list of 10 money skills that deliver the biggest bang for your buck. Read on for all the details.
"It's important to have regular conversations about money management while your child is still young to push them towards positive financial outcomes in early adulthood," advises Jennifer Seitz, Educational Content Lead at Greenlight and Certified Financial Education Instructor (CFEI).
Make it make 'cents': Seitz suggests parents "Look for practical daily examples of spending and budgeting and share them with your child; for example, when you take your child grocery shopping, you can pull out your card for the cashier and then ask your child, "Do you know what type of card this is? Is it a credit card or a debit card?"
This creates a learning opportunity to explain how debit cards take money directly from your bank account, while credit cards have a balance that must be paid each month. It's not free money or magic money—help your child understand how it works!"
We need air, food, water, shelter and clothing. While your crew might beg to differ, we don't need toy cars or princess crowns. Needs are the things we buy before we buy the things we want.
Make it make 'cents': Together with the kiddo, grab a bunch of old magazines and coupon mailers, cut out different pictures, and glue them on a sheet of paper so that you have a collage of wants and a collage of needs.
How nice would it be to get paid for making your bed, folding clothes or cutting your grass? Alas, it's not the case, so why do we lead kids on with chore-driven allowance? Consider giving them cash for extra work that they don't usually do (i.e., helping cook dinner or washing the family pet).
Make it make 'cents': Charge your mini-money makers with organizing a bake sale to earn extra money. They'll have a blast setting up shop and get a taste of what it's like to have a job.
Tom Byrum, Sr. Director, Head of Global Sales Compensation at a Fortune 500 company, uses a hands-on approach to get his child excited about saving money. "I'm paying my 10-year-old daughter an exorbitant monthly interest rate on her savings to illustrate the time value of money. She had fun calculating how much her $37 would grow at 10 percent interest per day for 30 days (no, that's not what I'm paying). She kept guessing how much she thought it would be and passed her guess two cycles later."
Make it make 'cents': Even the smallest fry can learn this lesson if you make it visual. Arm yourself with a roll of pennies and a Mason jar so your preschooler can see how quickly the change builds up.
There are coins, paper bills, paper checks, debit and credit cards–and you use them all at different times for purchases. The idea of monetary variety is a hard one to grasp for the under 10 set, especially when you can buy things with "invisible money" (aka credit cards). And let's not even get started on the difference between a checking and a savings account.
Rod Griffin, Senior Director of Public Education and Advocacy at Experian, advises parents to "...help their children develop good financial habits by teaching them the difference between a checking and savings account and how banks store funds. Take a trip to the bank as a teaching experience and deposit or cash a check."
Make it make 'cents': Make "invisible" money visible. Set one person up as the bank and have your kid "pay" for items around the house with a debit card. The bank person should then take the money out of the bank and give it to you.
"Without the proper knowledge of best practices, credit cards can lead to a lot of trouble for adults, both young and old," says Griffin. "Parents should teach children what credit cards are and how to use them wisely. Going through a credit card statement can go a long way in helping children understand the cause and effect of using credit cards, the importance of making on-time payments and how it can impact their credit score."
Make it make 'cents': Role play the difference between making a purchase with good credit vs. bad credit. Kids with good credit can buy a popsicle for $2, while those with low scores get charged $6. If you have more than one child, we suggest giving everyone the same credit score, so you don't start a mutiny.
Ashraf Jaffer, Adjunct Accounting Professor at the University of North Carolina, has been doing this since her son was five years old. "He has a budget from birthday and holiday money. When he was younger, we would give him the prices of things he wanted. He would come up with a combination of things that would fit within his budget (which is a great way to incorporate math lessons). Now that he is older, we ask him to research prices and come up with a proposal and justification. The final decision is with us, but he feels he is more in control and participates in the decision process."
Make it make 'cents': Print out a calendar and pencil in planned family trips, holidays and special occasions. Ask your child to set aside spending money for each event before budgeting for immediate wants.
"Stick to the budget and do not exceed it even if your kid's argument for spending more is great," advises Jaffer. "They will learn to prioritize spending needs and patience if you don't give in and increase the budget."
We know, we know—easier said than done. But the sooner kids understand that they can't buy things if they don't have enough money, the better.
Make it make 'cents': Create and label four money jars: "spend," "save," "share," and "invest." It's up to your kiddo to decide where the money goes. Another fun way to practice budgeting? Play Monopoly!
Kids have great examples of $$$-stingy characters—think Scrooge, who no matter how much money he has, hoards it all to himself. Giving (even the smallest amount) to those who have less is a fundamental money lesson that naturally empathetic kids can enjoy.
Make it make 'cents': Together, research and choose one charity to donate money to each month.
“Talk about their successes and reward them,” says Seitz. “Did they decide against buying something they didn’t really need? Smart move! Explain that now they can use the money for something else, which is that core money principal: opportunity cost. Did they choose to save their birthday money for an important big-ticket item? Tell them how proud you are! And why learning to save is so important as they grow up and become financially independent.”
Make it make 'cents': Be as specific as possible in your praise to really solidify the lesson. The more your little one feels warm and fuzzy about their financially responsible decisions, the better.
I was talking to a mom the other day—let’s call her Beth—who shared with me a daycare horror story. Beth put her daughter in a daycare near her home that looked quaint. As a new mom, she didn’t know any other parents who had sent their children there but she was in a crunch to find childcare before she returned to work and this place was affordable, convenient, and had an opening. Within a few weeks of her daughter starting at the daycare she saw some red flags—one day she picked her child up with a dirty diaper, other days her child seemed excessively hungry, and sometimes the childcare provider was not forthcoming with details about her daughter’s day.
Ultimately she decided to take a costly leave of absence from work and figure out a better childcare situation. She later found out that there had been complaints filed against the daycare and their license was in the process of being suspended. She felt fortunate she intervened when she did and had the means to take a leave from work. She asked me how parents prevent these situations from happening in the first place.
Finding high-quality childcare is top of mind for working parents and it’s not easy to figure out how to navigate the process, especially as a new parent. But you don’t have to leave the situation up to chance and prayer.
Here are five things you can do as a parent to empower yourself and ensure you’re placing your child in a safe and loving environment.
Get parental approval
If you don’t know parents first-hand that have sent their children to a daycare provider, then ask the provider for references and call them. The more information on a facility or individual, the more comfortable you will feel leaving your children in their care. My company, Winnie, recently compiled a free database of every daycare and preschool, starting with San Francisco where you can get information about the provider, reviews from parents and other critical safety info like the adult to child ratio. We did this because we want to equip parents with the information they need to ensure their child’s well-being and make life easier for working moms & dads.
Check the licensing database
Did you know that there’s a licensing database when you can find information about all licensed daycares and preschools in the United States? If it’s a daycare, even an in-home provider, look at the licensing database. All licensed daycares and preschools are inspected regularly and these inspections are public information. You can also see if any complaints have been filed against the school and even subscribe to updates in case their licensing status changes.
Visit and ask questions
Ask to visit the provider, ideally while children are present. This will give you a feel for their style and if it jibes with yours. Ask questions to understand how the provider communicates with parents, what the physical environment is like (e.g. is it childproofed? Is it clean?) and what children do as a day-to-day routine.
Check their safety procedures
One thing that’s very predictable about children is that they are unpredictable. Accidents and emergencies happen so you want to ensure your provider is trained and prepared for the worst. Check the basics like training in first aid and CPR but also understand their policies around illness, evacuation procedures, and vaccines. Finally, you’ll want to really understand their philosophy around discipline. The most important thing for a childcare provider is that they have lots of patience and never resort to harsh language or violence with your child.
Trust your gut
Even if everything looks great on paper and checks out, you have to trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right to you, you need to act like Beth did and pull your child out of the daycare until you sort the situation out. Beth didn’t have a lot of information to go on at the time, but she acted swiftly and prevented the situation from getting worse.
Short mom to tall kids. CEO and co-founder of Winnie, a leading marketplace for daycare and preschool helping millions of parents across the United States. Still getting the gist of this whole parenting thing.
Before children, I thought the hard stuff was going to be the chores—the sheer abundance of them, getting them to sleep, feeding them, having to change so many diapers. And then doing it all over again, all on relatively no sleep.
So when I was able to manage that, I was kind of like, “Okay, I got this! I’m utterly exhausted, but I’ll sleep when they’re 3.” Then, as my kids got older, I figured as long as I didn’t feed them chicken nuggets or give them Hawaiian Punch at every meal I’d be on the right track.
And so, I just assumed that the other stuff, like making them happy, polite emotionally stable human beings would just fall into place. I figured, I’m a good person with manners and I am generally emotionally stable, so that should translate into being a great parent with great kids. I’d be a great role model for them. The “chill mom.” How could anything go wrong? Bingo, automatic pilot.
So when I struggled to get shoes on and leave the house on time or my child literally freaked out because someone had made a mark on her drawing or melted down because I was neither close enough nor far away enough from the jungle gym as I spotted her, I had to really stop and think.
If I could have talked to the parenting gods, I would literally have looked up to the heavens and said, “What the hell is this? Are you kidding me?? I am doing this all the right way! I’m easy going, I’m not helicopter parenting, I’ve got the right amount of schedule,with the right amount of go with the flow thing going on here! They are not supposed to be acting like this—I repeat—not supposed to be acting like this!”
I’d sort of imagined I would instinctively know how to handle these situations. I’d know what to do when they were hurt, know what to do when they were upset or seemingly irrational – know exactly how to get them to get over things, move on, cooperate.
Essentially, how to get them to “feel” better.
That was it. I couldn’t change the way they felt. If they were angry, I couldn’t always get them to calm down. If they were upset and crying, I couldn’t automatically make them happy again. What kind of horrible mother was I? I thought I’d have this magic touch. Wasn’t it that simple?
So I thought about this, maybe it wouldn’t happen again. It was just the lack of an afternoon nap, or they must be hungry, but of course it would happen again, and again and the cycle would repeat itself. My child would get upset, about something or other. And it seemed like no matter what I did, they became more upset and sometimes, eventually angry.
I would twist myself into a pretzel cajoling, distracting, sweetly explaining things, and after an insane amount of patience on my part, or so I thought, I would become upset and even angry. So now, I was angry at my kid for essentially being upset about something. And somewhere down the line I would become upset at myself for not handling it correctly.
It was then I realized I needed to search beyond my magical intuition for some guidance.
And this was the most surprising thing to me about parenting, I couldn’t make them feel better. They’d misbehave because they were upset and I was at a loss about handling it. The subtle nuances of discipline weren’t clear and straightforward. I thought they would be.
How exactly do I deal with these meltdowns and the power struggles? Time-outs didn’t feel right. I mean, isolating them on a stool so that they could reflect on their bad behavior. Yeah, I’m thinking that’s not going to work. And, it feels mean. But then, I can’t let them just do whatever they want. I really felt like the outside world was judging me on the success of every public parent conflict. Secretly thinking to themselves, is she really going to let them get away with that?
What kind of disciplinarian was I? What did that mean to me, discipline? I certainly am not going to hit, I don’t want to yell all the time—only some of the time, okay—but not all the time.
But, I have to be the parent. They are supposed to do what I tell them, am I right? I need to have control. At least that’s what the lady at Petco told me as my child screamed inconsolably in the stroller. Yes, she did, she told me that. My response was not my best parenting moment.
My younger sister who had kids well before me would say when I tried to calmly explain to my nephew that he couldn’t swing from the dining room chandelier because he might get hurt, that you can’t reason with a two-year-old. And that’s true. But that still doesn’t explain how I should deal with this stuff.
Here’s what I’ve learned. We’re not talking about reasoning and we’re not commanding them listen to us. We’re also not asking them to jump ahead to where we want them to be emotionally by saying, “come on sweetie, come here, to this enlightened place where I am. I know best”. No, that doesn’t work.
You essentially have to start by meeting them where they are first. That crazy upset place they are sitting in. You go in to where they are and you stay there until they can move on with you. And this is what Parenting is really, over and over again, meet them there. And then of course a hell of a lot of acceptance of that. Because you will continually want to go back to either just fixing the damned situation or making them deal with it.
And so, how do you get there?
1. See your child where they are, not where you want them to be or hope that by coaxing, prodding, bribing, yelling or threatening they will be.
Don’t rush in to fix things. That’s the first instinct for many of us. Resist the urge! Fixing things is not actually what they want or need in that moment. They really just want you to hear them. What we may see as a task to be solved (because Moms and Dads are great at solving things—we’re so smart) is really an expression that they want you to KNOW how they feel.
When you start by trying to understand and acknowledging their feelings, that is so deeply moving to someone and so reassuring, you soften, they soften and then they can move beyond those overwhelming feelings. It is only then that they will hear you. So firstlisten to them, and let them know you are listening, by acknowledging what they are saying and expressing it.
2. Give them some information to help guide them and/or offer them a choice to help them shift. We are helping them help themselves. Coaching them through these feelings, rather than denying the feelings or telling them their feelings aren’t that bad and they need to stop it right now! It goes something like this: “You’re really upset that we chose this book to read tonight. Your sister picked this and you wanted the other one. Yeah, that’s hard having to listen to a book you don’t really like.” Wait for a response, see what you get. Go back to letting them have their feeling if they aren’t ready to move on.
Then follow up with, “Do you want to read this book together tonight and we’ll read yours tomorrow night, or do you want to read your own book to yourself tonight?” (choice) and maybe add, “In this family we take turns deciding on the books we read.” (information) And if this goes on and on. And it may, you continue to acknowledge their feelings. Repeat the choice, and then at some point and you decide the next step.
3. Set your boundary. Set a limit, decide what that limit is, and stick to it.
“I see you’re still upset about reading your sister’s book, and you’re having a hard time deciding what to do. Sweetie, tonight we’re going to read your sisters choice and tomorrow we’ll read yours. You can listen or read in your bed. I’m going to start reading now because it’s getting late.”
Does that mean you avoid the melt down? Probably not, you may very well still get the meltdown and that’s ok. Your child is still angry and upset at the situation, but at least they’re not stuck in the “You don’t understand anything” place. They are going to know if not in that exact moment, then eventually, that when they get upset, you will listen, you do care, even if it that doesn’t mean they get what they want or that you agree with their point of view.
As you continually do this over time, they will learn that they are going to be upset and then they will eventually feel better. You can’t command someone to ‘get over it’. You may think you have changed their feeling, but their feeling is still there. You’ve just forced them to stuff it so it doesn’t continue to annoy you. You’ve just trained them to respond differently. As in, don’t show that feeling because it will go unheard, rejected and you might possibly be shamed.
“Training” a child is not our goal. “Teaching” a child should be. Letting them know they can feel something, feel a certain way and give voice to that is huge. They may not get what they want but they’ll learn that they can have the bad feeling and then be ok. Again, huge!
Little by little they will express their distress and shift more quickly, because they know it’s not the end of the world. We aren’t stalling them in their “this is the end of the world moment” and leaving them there mad and resentful. I’m pretty sure we’ve all seen our kids in those moments. We’re not shoving them by force into our “correct” version reality. We are letting them find it, by coaching them through it.
It’s not magic, or perfect but it works and it models for them the respectful adult we want them to become. When you see your child meeting some other child where they are and showing empathy. Well, to me, honestly that’s the meaning of life right there.
So we stop jumping to solutions. Stop trying to fix, and trying to make them feel better. We can’t make them feel better. Only they can. We can help.
Think about it. When someone tells you things aren’t that bad, or that you’re overreacting, or that you should count your blessings, or be more like so and so, or that you should understand that life is unfair, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make you automatically feel better. You may quit your bitching, but now your still pissed at the situation and you’re also pretty pissed with your friend.
This whole idea that standing your ground and insisting on adherence to what you say is discipline is baloney. They didn’t learn anything except that their feelings don’t really matter or aren’t valid enough to warrant the time of day. The word “discipline” derives from Latin, meaning “instruction given” or “teaching.” So let’s do that.
Yes, they’ll get there, let them know they are allowed to feel what they feel, instead of making them feel worse and inadequate for having those feelings. Even if forcing them to move on seems quicker and more efficient in the moment, it won’t help them want to behave, cooperate or move on, next time.
So, stop and see your kid in front of you. Let them know you see them and how they are feeling. Give them information to help them or give them a choice to make it easier for them to take the next step. And eventually, set your limit.
I don’t want to give the impression that with a few magic steps and some patience these situations evaporate, never to be seen again. These are foundational building blocks. Basics, but they a long way in helping get your child’s willing cooperation, in not escalating things into a power struggle every time your kid doesn’t eat their peas, and most importantly it models the respect you want your child to emulate.
Maybe even most importantly, you are wiring them to be able to figure these things out as they become teens and eventually adults.
It’s not rocket science. It’s brilliantly simple and deceivingly difficult at the same time because it isn’t just shaping our kids, it is shaping ourselves as well. It’s conscious parenting, It’s the power of creating this connection and building a lifetime bond with your child.
I am learning to really listen, and I am learning what they need in the process and I try to give them as much of that as I can.
I am a NYC Mom and Parent Coach and through Parenting Workshops and one on one sessions, I help parents move from managing their kids in order to get "good" behavior to raising their kids in such a way that promotes intrinsic motivation to do the right thing!
When your little one comes home from school, excitedly gripping a flyer from the music department, you might express hesitation. Is it worth it to invest the time and money into letting your child play an instrument?
The answer is a decided yes for many reasons. Engaging your child’s musical talents has benefits for nearly every other aspect of their life. Here are nine reasons why you should let your child play an instrument.
1. It Improves Math Skills
Multiple studies suggest a link between musical and mathematical ability. However, skeptical scientists sought to disprove the link by examining other factors, such as socioeconomic conditions, that could influence this correlation.
One such individual was educator Martin J. Bergee. He sought to disprove the connection between musical and mathematical ability by accounting for outside factors among a group of 1,000 middle school students. To his surprise, the association between achievement in one discipline and the other remained, even when factoring in conditions like income level.
Bergee is not the only one to recognize the connection. According to the National Association of Music Merchants Foundation, music helps students with standardized tests like the SATs and their maths classes. If your little one struggles in algebra, let them play the tuba.
2. It Hones Language Skills
Recite the first seven letters of the alphabet. Chances are, you sang them, right?
Music has the power to make language acquisition easier. Singing makes it possible for children to memorize lists and concepts they would otherwise struggle to retain. It can even help those with Down Syndrome practice articulation and the flow of words in an engaging way.
3. It Encourages Creativity
It probably doesn’t surprise you that music fosters creativity. Letting your children make tunes is another way to engage their imagination.
You don’t necessarily need to sign your child up for formal lessons—although doing so may help preserve your delicate ears. Anyone who has ever had a piano in their home knows that kids will instinctively play with it. If money is tight, you can pick up inexpensive instruments like recorders and tambourines.
4. It Gets Kids Active
If you think playing an instrument isn’t active, please go talk to the nearest “band geek” who walked a mile while carrying a trombone. Playing music counts as physical activity.
Even video games like “Rock Band” get your little one up off the couch. If they go all out, imitating their favorite performing artists, they can scorch some serious calories while aiding in young muscle development.
5. It Inspires Discipline
There are no shortcuts in the music world. As with any creative endeavor, the only way for your child to get better is to practice.
However, music also brings with it an intrinsic reward. Your little one can hear their growth, and it inspires them to keep going. You can tell them a million times not to give up on an endeavor out of frustration, but it’s far better for them to figure out the lesson independently through their guitar explorations.
6. It Creates Agency
Agency refers to the feeling that you have control over your actions and the consequences. It’s vital to mental health—feeling helpless can plunge your little one into despair.
Mastering a musical instrument teaches your child that they can do something when they apply themselves to the task. They can carry this newfound confidence forward into future endeavors.
7. It Develops Cultural Appreciation
You want your child to appreciate works of music and art. Perhaps no method is better for instilling awe than having them try to replicate the masters—and seeing how challenging their craft can be.
You can further encourage your child’s musical exploration by taking them to concerts. Mix it up—one night, you can see the hottest band, and another, you can hit the orchestra.
8. It Provides Stress Relief
Please don’t make the mistake of thinking too much tension is the sole province of grownups. Research published in the National Institutes of Health indicates that 35% of primary school children experience stress-related health problems, and the issues often compound as they get older.
Music provides a natural outlet for stress. Your child can lose themselves in their favorite jams and reap the endorphin-producing benefits of getting more active when they play their troubles away.
9. It’s Integral to the Human Experience
Finally, you should let your child play an instrument because music is vital to the human experience. No other creature on earth uses foreign devices to create melodies, although you can certainly hear birds and whales sing.
Scientists may never know for certain what inspired the first human to pick up a hollowed bird bone and invent a flute. The urge probably stemmed from the same need everyone has to communicate. Some do so through words and others through musical notes—let your child explore this realm of self-expression.
Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine. A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures. She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time.
If you’ve read one fairytale, you’ve read them all when it comes to stepmothers. The words “evil” and “stepmother” are pretty much interchangeable. But is the stereotype true?
Who can forget Cinderella? Her real name was actually Ella, but her stepmother and sisters gave her the horrible nickname because she slept next to the fireplace and was permanently dirty from burned coal dust.
What about Snow White? This paragon of beauty was sent out with a hunter and her stepmother demanded her heart in a box to prove that he had murdered her in the woods. What in the actual &%$#…??
So what does it mean to be a stepmother today in a so-called “blended family,” words that describe the common occurrence of spouses having children in their homes that aren’t related to them by blood?
Well, I should hope that stepmothers are not trying to get their stepchildren killed these days, but how much involvement should stepmothers have in the way their partner parents his own child?
It gets tricky when you’re in a blended household as children who have been brought up differently by their parents are now under the same roof and suddenly need to follow the same rules. To make the transition easier, it’s best to knock out these rules before you move in together.
But who makes the rules and whose existing rules stick? Can the biological parent override the stepparent, or are all the parents in the house treated equally? And if a stepparent has no kids of their own, is that person’s opinion about discipline automatically discounted?
For a blended family to work, all the children’s parents need to come together and agree on the fundamental rules of parenting, regardless of who gave birth to whom. Simple things like TV time, behavioral expectations, homework, eating habits, etc., need to be discussed and presented as a united front.
And the unit of parents must unanimously agree on discipline and who implements it. The general consensus is that biological parents do the hardcore discipline for big issues like sex, drugs, rock n roll, but any of the subsidiary parents can discipline over general issues like wet towels on the floor.
If one parent needs to travel for work and the other parent will be alone with all the kids, children should be given the choice of going to their other biological parent for that period. It is always good for children to spend time with their parents, regardless of custody arrangements.
Special care must be taken not to favor your biological child over the rest. When in the same house, all children should be treated equally by all the adults raising them. What’s good for one should be good for the next—no exceptions—where possible while taking age into account.
Children who go to other parents on weekends and come back with expensive gadgets and toys may create feelings of resentment amongst their stepsiblings. If one parent enjoys spoiling the child they see less often by buying expensive things, the rule should be that they keep it at their own house.
Stepmothers should also not cross lines when it comes to the child’s relationship with their biological mother. Same with stepfather and biological fathers. Many beautiful relationships have grown from a new stepparent opening their home up to their partner’s ex on special holidays for the good of the children.
There need not be any jealousy involved, and your partner’s kids or ex are not your competition. Remind him about their birthdays and school events. If one of them seems down, approach them with kindness and ask if you can help or if they want to speak to another parent. Dial their mom/dad for them.
Involve your children in decision-making about the holidays, new home, getting a pet, and even adding another baby to your brood. Sit down and hear them out. Children who are allowed to say their piece will feel heard and loved, even if the family votes a different way.
When they reach teenagehood, have another family meeting and discuss living arrangements. Some kids might move to the other parent for school/college or just for a change. Support their decisions and stay in touch. Their moving out is not about you, so don’t make things awkward.
Ultimately, being a stepparent can be as simple or as difficult as all the parties involved choose to make it. Ask yourself how you would have wanted to be treated as a child or teenager, and then treat them like that. At the end of the day, children living in your home are your responsibility, blood or not.
If the children are missing a parent through abandonment or death, then you need to step up without stepping in. What that means is that you support them as a good parent would without trying to fill their bio parent’s shoes or take up space they haven’t offered up yet.
Remember, a well-loved child is a gift to the world.
Razia Meer is a Managing Editor at women's magazine, AmoMama, and a mother of two teens and an angel baby. With a passion for homeschooling and building wells in African countries; when she is not educating, fundraising, or editing, she writes about cryptocurrencies, families, and canines - not in that order!
My firstborn just turned 14. A full-fledged teenager that now towers over me. Kids birthdays definitely make you nostalgic and think of their birth day. Especially the one that made you a mama! So I thought about how I had so many doubts and fears of being a new mom. Even as a pediatrician, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing! But I managed, just like every other new mom does, and figured it out. And with every new age, there’s a new stage to master. A new nap schedule, feeding schedule, a new skill they just acquired, and as they get older learning to navigate life without you.
There is no secret sauce to parenting, there is not a magic ingredient. There is notjust one thing that we need to do. If there were, it would be a heck of a lot easier. As babies we need to attend to their every need, they are fully dependent on us and it’s mostly about survival mode. But as they get older we need to teach good habits, safety, routines, healthy choices, and discipline. Then you hope as they become more independent they have learned the lessons you’ve taught (like washing hands!!!) and do the right thing when you’re not there. At each stage of their lives, they need something different from us. They could need more one day and not at all the next. But something always remains consistent, they need us.
As my kids have gotten older, I’ve really struggled with raising independent adults vs being there for them and helping them (helicopter parent much?) It’s definitely a fine balance. On one hand, there’s so much more we know that we can just do for them and it would make our lives easier. On the other hand, if they don’t learn adulting skills then will they be living with us forever? I definitely struggle between the two. In some ways, I feel like doing things for them is showing them love and if I don’t do those things I’m being mean (mom guilt alert!)…BUT…not really. We know that kids need to do things on their own, gain independence, and feel confident! That’s huge! But is there such a thing as too independent?
When COVID started, I decided to give up working outside the home. I really felt it was important to be home with my kids and I was so fortunate to be able to do that. And truly the kids did need me. In the beginning, I felt like it was one issue after another and I just needed to be there. Could they have figured it out without me…possibly…probably… but it was great for them to know that I was just there. I’m not telling you that you should quit your job and be home 24/7. That’s not financially feasible and frankly, that may not be the best option for everyone regardless of your financial outlook. You may absolutely love what you do and you are a better person for doing it! But it’s not about physically always being there, it’s just about being available. There are certainly days that I wish I were more present even though I’m physically there. It’s about making quality dates with your kids to be together, not quantity. It’s about following the rhythm of your kid’s schedules and being there for a carpool chat, late-night chat, or a special outing. There are so many skills we need to have as parents, but I really think one of the most important is just being there. Yes, we need to listen but they don’t always talk. Sometimes what’s not said is just as important as what is said.
Our kids need their independence, no doubt. But as they get older we need to be available as consultants. Only sharing our opinions when asked. And maybe guiding them when we know the path taken is not where they want to go. It’s a fine balance, a delicate dance, and definitely not easy to master. Ultimately, I want my kids to turn into adults I want to hang out with. That’s the parenting advice I consistently keep in the back of my head!
I'm a mom to 2 busy kids and a pediatrician. My blog is about all things mom, doctor and how the two come together. My goal is to help you find your voice while I find mine and help you become your best version while I become mine!
Recent research revealed a way to help children as young as 12-months deal with and possibly overcome behavior problems. The study, from the University of Cambridge, looked at the effectiveness of a six-session program on 300 families with young children.
The children in this study were divided into two groups—one group received routine healthcare support and the other participated in a combination of healthcare support and a targeted behavioral program. All of the young participants had already displayed early signs of behavioral problems.
Researchers filmed the participants via an experimental program called the Video-Feedback Intervention to Promote Positive Parenting and Sensitive Discipline (VIPP-SD). Each 90-minute video taped session included everyday family situations, such as a meal or play-time. The child behavior pros then analyzed the clips and discussed successes and challenges with the parents. This gave the parents the chance to identify cues or signals from their children.
Five months after the start of the program, the researchers found the children who participated in the VIPP-SD sessions had lower behavioral problem scores than the children who only got routine healthcare.
Paul Ramchandani, Professor of Play in Education, Development and Learning at the University of Cambridge, said, “To provide this program in any health service would require investment, but it can realistically be delivered as part of routine care. Doing so would benefit a group of children who are at risk of going on to have problems with their education, behavior, future wellbeing and mental health.”
Ramchandani added, “There is a chance here to invest early and alleviate those difficulties now, potentially preventing problems in the longer term that are far worse.”
For more information, the full results of the research are published in JAMA Pediatrics.
Lunch boxes coming back home full can create a lot of frustration and frictions at home, especially if you are the parent of a child who doesn’t enjoy a wide array of food. The good news is that there are easy strategies that you can use to encourage kids to eat their school lunch.
1. Put the Kids in Charge of Their Lunchbox. Encourage your child to carry their lunchbox to and back from school. Whether you’re taking the car or walking to school, their lunchbox can be their responsibility. They can start doing so at a really young age, it will help them take some responsibility for their lunch. As they get older, you can also encourage them to empty their lunch bag and wash their containers (or place them in the dishwasher) when they get home.
2. Involve Children in Making the Menu. The first step to teach your child how to make their own lunch is to talk with them about what constitutes a proper lunch. You can introduce them to the different foods they will need and give them options to choose from. By giving choices, it is not up to them whether or not they get vegetables for instance, but they get to decide between carrots or cucumber, broccoli, or peas. You can also plan a trip to the grocery store and let them pick a new fruit or veggie they are ready to try. See useful resources below to help you start the conversation.
Remember, the main goal of lunch is that they get the fuel they need to learn, focus, and stay active all day. So, if you have a broccoli hater on your hands, the lunchbox is probably not the right place to convince them to try some. Prefer a moment during the week when they will be more relaxed and will have more time to make new experiments.
3. Teach Them How to Prepare Their Lunch. Did you notice how easier it is to throw away leftover pizzas you ordered, rather than food you spent 45 minutes cooking? That’s because you know the energy that went into making it. So, why not make the kids take part in the process the same way?
Children can start being involved in making their lunchbox early on. Younger children can help put the food in the container, while older ones can start peeling and cutting food. It is more time consuming to cook with children, so it does not have to be something you do every day. But, you could decide together on a day when children help. However, do not expect your child to know how to do things, use a positive parenting tool ‘Climb the Ladder’ to do so! First, you start doing it and they watch, then you do it together, then they can do it by themselves. This will take several days for some skills.
4. Ask Them about Their Lunchtime. Invite problem-solving when the lunchbox comes home mostly untouched. Children might not eat as well for many different reasons, some they might have not even identified themselves yet. Is lunch too long to eat and they don’t get enough time to play? Do they have a wiggly tooth and carrots are too hard to eat? Is there a food item in their friend’s lunchbox that they would like to try? Then, talk with them about how to change whatever is keeping them from eating. Maybe pack something more nutritious that is faster to eat? Maybe cut the carrots a different shape so they are not bothered by their wiggly tooth?
Resources to Help You Get Started:
Lunchbox Packing Tips: 5 Basics you need to know before you get started with lunch packing.
Teaching Kids: 4 Easy steps to teaching your child to be responsible for their lunchbox.
Get inspired. Visit Teuko.com and see what other kids actually eat.
Teuko is the first platform that empowers families to simplify lunch packing. Using Teuko, they can find and share kid-approved lunchbox ideas, recipes, and tips, all in one place. Teuko is transforming the lunch packing experience by boosting inspiration and motivation week after week.
Photo: 
