ML Interest Tag: divorce

9 Family Organizer Apps to Help Rein in the Chaos

by Jessica Payne

Keeping your family organized can feel like a full-time job, but no one said you have to do it alone

Whether you’ve got toddlers or teenagers, family life is hectic—even the dog seems to have a schedule. Parents have to be impeccably organized to stay on top of the housework, groceries and meal planning, finances, and work obligations, not to mention the fact that if you’ve got school-aged kids, you’re a glorified chauffeur juggling school functions, extracurriculars, and sports. It’s a lot. And despite the cries that our kids’ extracurriculars are taking over our lives, we keep loading more and more onto our plates. But you don’t have to do it alone. There’s a slew of family organization apps that take the guesswork out of family life, from joint calendars to budget tracking and even remembering to share family photos with eager relatives. Here are 11 of our favorites, so you can hopefully sneak a bit of free time onto the calendar.

Cozi

Screenshots of Cozi Family Organizer, one of the best apps for moms and best family organizer apps

Are you drowning in a sea of birthday parties and swim lessons and work events and “what’s for dinner”s? Then listen up. Easy to use and well-designed, Cozi serves triple duty as a shared family calendar, digital recipe box, and list keeper. No matter how many children you have or how old they are, seeing everyone’s schedules in one place (color-coded, no less) is a game-changer. Parents can also create shared grocery or to-do lists and meal plans so the burden doesn’t fall on just one person (we all know who that would be).

Cost: Free or paid (Cozi Gold: $29.99 per year) on Apple App Store and Google Play.

Tinybeans

Screenshots of Tinybeans, one of the best apps for moms and best family organizer apps

It’s us! Parents looking to bring some order to their unhinged smartphone collection of family photos can securely store the best of the best in Tinybeans (no more sets of 36 slightly different versions of the same baby photo hogging space). What’s more, you can instantly share them with relatives and friends. So if responding to your mother-in-law’s constant (and well-meaning) requests for baby updates is becoming a time-suck, the app sends them emails or notifications whenever you post a new milestone, photo, or video—and sends you regular reminders to post. Along with your best memories, you can track all of your kids’ most exciting milestones and achievements through the years. And every so often, when you’ve got a good collection of photos, throw them into a cute album and order your physical copy straight through the app.

Cost: Free or paid (Tinybeans+: $74.99 per year or $7.99 per month) on Apple App Store and Google Play.

Plan to Eat

Screenshots of Plan to Eat, one of the best apps for moms and best family organizer apps
Plan to Eat

Anyone who’s been forced to listen to a symphony of “I’m huuuuungry”s while staring into the refrigerator at 5 p.m. in a complete, dinner-less panic will have a deep appreciation for the Plan to Eat. The personalized app takes all the guesswork out of meal planning. Plan to Eat lets you choose recipes from anywhere on the web, import them to your recipe box, and automatically create a shopping list with items sorted by store and aisle. The only thing it can’t do is chop the onions for you (will I ever not cry!?).

Cost: Free or paid ($5.95 per month or $49 per year) on Apple App Store and Google Play.

Bills Organizer & Reminder

Screenshots of the Bills Organizer and Reminder app, one of the best family organizer apps

Paying late fees on bills you forgot about is such a bitter pill to swallow, especially when you could have used that money for a latte to get you through yet another toddler gymnastics session. If you’re looking to track and manage all of your family’s bills in one place, check out the Bills Organizer and Reminder app (your credit score will thank you). You can quickly look over all upcoming bills in the app’s dashboard view, and rest assured that you’ll receive payment reminders before each bill is due (whether the app is open or closed). To make life even easier, set up automatic payments for recurring bills so you don’t even have to think about them. The free version lets you manage up to five accounts.

Cost: Free or paid ($2.99 for unlimited accounts and $1.99 for no ads) on Apple App Store.

2houses

Screenshots of the 2Houses app, one of the best family organizer apps

If you’re co-parenting or part of a blended family, not only does the 2houses app keep everyone’s schedules organized, but it does it for two households. Everyone can view and edit a shared calendar, and it helps with one of the hardest aspects of separation and divorce: finances. The app manages all expenses paid by each parent to give a clear view of what’s being spent on the kids and who’s spending it. The “Custody Journal” is a sweet touch, letting each parent share photos, information, videos, and news with the other parents. So when it’s not your day with the kids, you can still feel like part of the family.

Free 14-day trial then paid ($169.99 per year or $14.17 per month) on Apple App Store and Google Play.

Mint

Screenshots of the Mint app, one of the best family organizer apps

Budgeting is arguably one of the most important aspects of family planning, but it really does eat up a lot of time. Mint not only takes the guesswork out of budgeting for you, but it sorts all of your purchases into categories so you can keep track of where you’re spending (and potentially find some smart ways to save). For the fullest snapshot, you can link all of your accounts in one place—your checking account, savings account, credit cards, investments, and property. The app alerts you if you’re getting close to going over budget or into overdraft, and garners insights from your spending habits to offer tips on where to save money—all of which set you up to achieve your stated financial goals.

Free on Apple App Store and Google Play.

TimeTree

Screenshots of the TimeTree app, one of the best family organizer apps

Syncing calendars is super useful for busy families, but TimeTree has the bonus of a chat room where you can share photos and discuss upcoming events and calendar changes. To keep your whole group in the loop, everyone receives a notification when someone changes or reschedules something on the cal and when a new event is added. There’s also the option to have additional calendars, like one with your mom group or extended family.

Free or paid (Premium is $4.49 per month or $44.99 per year) on Apple App Store and Google Play.

Flayk

Screenshots of the Flayk app, one of the best family organizer apps

Being a “flake” isn’t typically a good thing, but Flayk, the family organization app, is a great thing. Not only does it have a shared calendar for everyone in your family, as well as the option for everyone to receive event reminders, but the premium version of Flayk also has a points system for completed tasks. You can incentivize your brood to do chores around the house or finish their homework with customized rewards, like a movie night, a trip to the amusement park, or a family vacation. Plus, if you “Flayk” on a task, you can assign it to someone else. And if you want to lean into the “it takes a village” philosophy, you can link your Flayk to other families or groups who use the app to make sure absolutely nothing gets missed.

Free or paid (Premium for $1.99 per month) on Apple App Store and Google Play.

IFTTT

Screenshots of IFTTT, one of the best family organizer apps

Creating lists and reminders to get things done can take as much time as actually doing the damn things, so why not automate some of those basic tasks. That’s the beauty of IFTTT (an acronym for “If This, Then That”). It works with more than 600 apps, including Telegram, Twitch, Weather Underground, Google Drive, Gmail, and Spotify, and integrates with devices like Amazon Alexa, Nest, Google Home, and Philips Hue. The app’s a fave for businesses, but families can also benefit from a little automation—like getting the weather forecast every morning, changing your thermostat when you go out of town, warning you if temps drop and you need to move your plants inside, or starting a specific playlist when you get in the car so your kids don’t freak out.

Cost: Free or paid (Pro: $2.50 per month, Pro+: $5 per month) on Apple App Store and Google Play.

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Netflix Drops ‘Sweet Magnolias’ Season 3 Trailer

by Tinybeans Team

‘Sweet Magnolias’ Season 3 arrives on July 20

Quick. Someone grab the pimento cheese and margaritas. Since Netflix announced a third season of its runaway series Sweet Magnolias last spring, we’ve been not-so-patiently waiting for a chance to “pour it out” with our favorite trio from Serenity, South Carolina. And now, finally, the streamer has released the Season 3 trailer. Sweet Magnolias Season 3 will drop on July 20—and all 10 episodes in the third season will be available that day for our binge-watching enjoyment.

We see Cal trying to figure out a way to move forward after the fight at Sullivan’s, Helen facing the difficult choice of trusting Ryan or moving on with Erik, Dana Sue deciding how to use the gift from Miss Francis, and Maddie juggling all the things, including her three kids, Cal’s journey and co-parenting with her ex-husband, Bill.  We also finally find out who exactly is “back,” and who slashed the tires on the Sullivan’s van.

Late last year, Netflix took to Instagram to share the news that filming had wrapped and let’s just say fans were excited.

Almost as excited as they were when Netflix announced the series would be back.

The Netflix romance-drama is led by JoAnna Garcia Swisher, and its second season dropped at the beginning of February. Fans were finally able to exhale after the first episode of the second season revealed that the car wreck cliffhanger that ended season one was—for all intents and purposes—benign. No one was killed, and no characters left the show, but it laid the groundwork for plot twists that continue to ripple.

Maddie, Helen, and Dana Sue are expected to continue to walk life’s paths with one another in season 3, after facing infertility, break-ups, jealous partners, anger management issues, and more. The tumultuous ending left fans with some expectations. Namely, who the heck is the mystery woman who showed up at the end of season 2? And who does she think she is, calling Dana Sue a “homewrecker?” Y’all, we’re about to find out.

Lots of butterfly, hand-clapping, and heart emojis could be found among replies that ranged from “OMG YEEEEEEES” to “IT WAS TAKING YALL LONG ENOUGH.” Now one thing’s for sure: there’s about to be a run on the premixed margaritas at the grocery store.

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All Moms Should Embrace Failure During Summer

by Maria Guido

Moms, you keep everything together all year. It’s summer. Just give up for a while

I work from home, and I have the privilege of not having to outsource childcare because of that. Has my work suffered because I’ve never had additional help? Of course. Has my parenting suffered? Of course. All year long I manage schedules and professional responsibilities while juggling a school pick-up line, PTA meetings, and sleepovers. All year I feel like I’m failing.

But when summer comes, I embrace the failure.

And it’s something I recommend to everyone: stay-at-home moms, single moms, working moms, working single moms, single stay-at-home moms—you get the picture. We all have different loads and obligations, but we can all aspire to fail just a little more during the summer.

Work-from-Home Moms

Come summer, you are done; you don’t have to pretend that you’re not. What should be a time of sleeping in and general chill becomes the panicked realization that not only will you be managing your usual work-from-home madness, but you’ll be doing it with kids hovering about, asking you for snacks, and mostly being annoying. We never got into the routine of sending our kids to camp because we never had the extra money to do that. So from the time our children were young, they’ve had what we gleefully refer to as “lazy summer.” Here are some tips that will help you embrace total parental summer failure—or as we call it, lazy summer.

  • Put all snacks and food accessories within reach of your kids. Do you have high cabinets that necessitate your child asking for a bowl every time they need one? Are the granola bars in an unreachable part of the pantry? All of this stuff must live in a place where your kids can reach it and help themselves. And if you currently approve all your child’s snack choices before they are allowed to eat, I suggest you stop doing that, too.
  • Stop with the screen limits. Seriously? We all know our kids spend way more time on their screens than we’re willing to admit. Summer is not the time to pretend we’re on top of this restriction. Let it go.
  • Blankets & sprinklers. It’s amazing what a pile of blankets and ra emote control can do for a child in the summer. The same can be said about sprinklers. Let your kids chill in any way they see fit.

Stay-at-Home-Moms

No one sympathizes enough with the plight of the stay-at-home mom who has school-aged kids come summer. Now, not only do you have to do all the things to keep a house running smoothly, but your kids are in the mix all day. What should be a relaxing time of year turns into one where you’re doing everything (cooking, coordinating schedules, dealing with your kids) twice as much. But you do deserve a break. Here are some tips:

  • Let your kids be bored.  You are not a bad mom if you decide you don’t want to schedule a bunch of extracurriculars for your kid because you don’t want to spend the entire summer shuttling them from one event to another. It’s fine.
  • You’re not the only mom who wasn’t prepared for summer day camp sign-ups. These things fill up quickly and are hard to stay on top of. If you didn’t get your kid into some kind of summertime activity, please see above. Boredom is good for them.
  • The backyard/patio/playroom/etc. is enough. Think about your childhood; was your mom taking you to Bounce or Chuck E. Cheese every week? I would bet quite a bit of money that the answer is no. You’re not a monster for not wanting to spend time at these places, either. Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean you have to turn into your child’s personal cruise director for three months.

Working Moms Who Don’t Work from Home

All day at work you’re dedicating time to your job, then you get home and are expected to dedicate all your time to your kids. What about you? You deserve some time, too. Here are some ways to delightfully “fail” at parenting so you can win at life:

  • The golden hour. When you get home from work, establish a fun little routine that will give you some time to yourself. Maybe it’s throwing a bunch of snacks in a bowl and letting your kids have at it. Maybe it’s allowing your kids some designated screen time as soon as you walk in the door to give you a moment to decompress. You’re not a bad mom because you need a minute when you get home, and you shouldn’t have to wait until you’re exhausted in the middle of the night to get it.
  • Breakfast for dinner. This can be called anything, but in our house, it’s called “breakfast for dinner.” Breakfast for dinner is an easy dinner go-to that my kids don’t fight and my husband or I can make in five minutes. I know my kids will eat scrambled eggs with no arguments, so twice a week they get scrambled eggs, and I avoid a headache. Figure out what your “breakfast for dinner” is.
  • “Ask your Dad, Mom, Susan, Bob…” or whatever the situation is in your house. Honestly, this applies to every type of mom: if there is someone else in your house that should be co-parenting with you, make sure you rely on that person and outsource the things kids ask mom for first.

Something that no one ever tells you before you become a parent: there are no trophies. No one is going to reward you for being perfect all the time, and you don’t need to be perfect all the time. Try centering yourself this summer and “failing” a little more.

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Gavin Rossdale Says He & Gwen Stefani Have ‘Opposing Views,’ Don’t Really ‘Co-Parent’

by Christina Marfice

Gwen Stefani’s ex, Gavin Rossdale, opened up about how they raise their three boys together without “co-parenting,” in the traditional sense

When it comes to co-parenting, there’s really no right or wrong answer, as long as the kids are safe, loved, and cared for. Case in point: Gavin Rossdale and his ex, Gwen Stefani, who share three sons together. During a recent podcast appearance, Rossdale opened up about how they split and share their co-parenting responsibilities, and they have an interesting perspective on raising a family after their split.

Rossdale appeared on the Not So Hollywood podcast on Thursday, where he spilled the tea about how he and Stefani approach co-parenting their boys, 17-year-old Kingston, 14-year-old Zuma, and 9-year-old Apollo.

“I think you can go one of two ways,” Rossdale explained. “You can either do everything together and really co-parent, and see how that goes—or you can just parent. And I think we just parent.”

He continued, “We’re really different people … I don’t think there’s much similarity in the way we bring them up but I think that gives them an incredible perspective to then choose which pieces of those two lives they’d like to inherit and move on with and which part of themselves come out of the whole process. Because that’s what’s important is to give them a wide view of things and we definitely have some particularly opposing views so I think it’d be really helpful for them to make their own minds as individuals.”

Honestly? That’s a pretty refreshing perspective. And the important thing is that Rossdale and Stefani have found a system that works for their family. Plus, with the addition of Stefani’s husband, Blake Shelton, whom she married in 2021, it sounds like the boys have no shortage of loving adults (and role models) in their lives.

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Demi Moore Shares Video of Family Serenading Bruce Willis on His 68th Birthday

by Christina Marfice

This sweet family video is the perfect way to commemorate Bruce Willis on his 68th birthday

Bruce Willis is an icon in the movie industry—but he’s also a loving husband, dad, and friend. And nothing shows that more clearly than the moving video his ex-wife, Demi Moore, posted on his 68th birthday on Sunday. It shows Willis, loving being the center of attention, while his huge, blended family gathers around him and serenades him with “Happy Birthday.”

Moore shared the video on both Instagram and Twitter, and we guarantee it’s the sweetest thing you’re going to see today. Moore and Willis were married from 1987 to 2000. They share three daughters together, and Willis has since welcomed two more girls with his now-wife, Emma Heming. Throughout their journey, Willis and Moore have been co-parenting goals. They remain close friends, and often celebrate milestones (like Willis’s big birthday) with the entire, giant blended family.

What makes this moment even more touching is the news that Willis was recently diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia. The family made that announcement last month, about a year after Willis retired from acting due to symptoms of aphasia, including difficulty speaking, writing, and communicating.

While the sweet moment at Willis’s birthday party shows that there’s still plenty of joy in the family despite his difficult diagnosis, Heming shared on Instagram that she started her husband’s birthday in tears.

“I always get this message, or people always tell me, that ‘Oh, you’re so strong, I don’t know how you do it,'” she said in a message posted to social media. “I’m not given a choice. I wish I was.”

Heming continued, “But I’m also raising two kids in this so sometimes, in our lives, we have to put our big girl panties on and get to it. And that’s what I’m doing. But I do have times of sadness every day, grief every day, and I’m really feeling it today on his birthday.”

We wish nothing but the best for Willis and his family and hope there are many more joyful celebrations in their future.

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Bruce Willis’ Family Announces He’s Been Diagnosed with Dementia

by Maria Guido

Demi Moore explained the diagnosis on Instagram

Last spring, Bruce Willis’ family announced he was stepping away from acting to deal with health issues. Yesterday, his family again took to social media to explain more. Willis has been diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia. Over the years, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore have been the North Star of co-parenting, proving that a family doesn’t need to end following divorce.

“As a family, we wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for the outpouring of love and compassion for Bruce over the past ten months,” a statement that appears on The Association for Frontotemporal Degeneration’s site reads. “Your generosity of spirit has been overwhelming, and we are tremendously grateful for it. For your kindness, and because we know you love Bruce as much as we do, we wanted to give you an update.”

The statement is signed by “Ladies of Willis/Moore”—which includes Demi Moore, Bruce’s current wife Emma Heming Willis, and Bruce’s five daughters: Rumer, Scout, Tallulah, Mabel, and Evelyn.

“Since we announced Bruce’s diagnosis of aphasia in spring 2022, Bruce’s condition has progressed and we now have a more specific diagnosis: frontotemporal dementia (known as FTD),” the statement reads. “Unfortunately, challenges with communication are just one symptom of the disease Bruce faces. While this is painful, it is a relief to finally have a clear diagnosis.” FTD is the most common form of dementia for people under 60. There are no treatments for the disease currently.

Willis’ health issues have shone a spotlight on the closeness his blended family shares; but this family has been showing up for each other since… well, forever. Holidays together, milestones celebrated—they have truly been an example for people who’ve gone through an amicable divorce. That there is hope to continue to enjoy your family, together. And now, as he goes through the biggest challenge of his life, they are there supporting him, making sure to amplify his struggle in the hopes that others will benefit.

“Bruce always believed in using his voice in the world to help others, and to raise awareness about important issues both publicly and privately,” the family said. “We know in our hearts that – if he could today — he would want to respond by bringing global attention and a connectedness with those who are also dealing with this debilitating disease and how it impacts so many individuals and their families.

“We have been so moved by the love you have all shared for our dear husband, father, and friend during this difficult time. Your continued compassion, understanding, and respect will enable us to help Bruce live as full a life as possible.”

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When He’s Not the Best Husband—but He’s Still a Good Father

By Tammy Letherer

I had been divorced for a couple of years when my former husband called with a surprise. Thankfully, it wasn’t the type of surprise he delivered the night he sat me at the table and told me he had been unfaithful for more than a decade and was leaving me for someone he met in Las Vegas.

No, this surprise had to do with our 12-year-old son. He said he was taking him to China for a vacation. I got that feeling you get when you walk in on a conversation, and everyone is laughing and looking at you like you know what they’re talking about.

China?

How had this come about? I searched my memory for some mention of anything remotely Chinese on my son’s wish list. Had the two of them been to see the First Emperor’s Terracotta Warriors on display at the Field Museum? Or taken a school field trip to Chinatown that I didn’t know about?

The only connection I could come up with was my son’s collection of Pokemon cards, but those are Japanese.

“Um… that would be cool, I guess,” I said, still processing the random nature of his declaration. By the time I gathered my thoughts enough to pose some questions and concerns, he announced that he had bought tickets to travel during a school week and over days that were technically mine on the parenting schedule.

“I can’t change it,” he said. “If I do, I’ll have to pay $1,000 and I know you don’t want that.”

What I didn’t want was to be told what to think or how to feel. An immediate, familiar pressure gripped my chest as I recalled all the activities and decisions that had already occurred behind my back. That he would plan something so extravagant for our son without discussing it with me felt too unfair. I was already struggling with the realities of co-parenting our three children, still getting used to the myriad ways a divorced mom must learn to let go as she is eased out of her job.

After college, I worked as a secretary in London for a few months and learned that, rather than firing people, workers are “made redundant.” It means the same thing but sounds so much nicer. I’ve been made redundant as a mother—no longer needed or useful in all the ways I once was.

This shows up in small ways:

Tell me about your science project. “I don’t want to talk about it. I told dad all about it.”

Want to see the new Marvel movie? “Sorry, mom, we saw it with dad.”

Guess what? I got pizza for dinner! (A chorus of groans.) “We had pizza two nights in a row with dad!”

And in big ways, like feeling helpless and broken during that stretch when my daughter called, in tears, begging to come home every time she was at her dad’s. Or having no words of comfort when my boys expressed their anger about their dad’s girlfriend moving in.

All of those impotent moments were triggered again by the thought of my son flying halfway around the world without me. I imagined him sleep-deprived and anxious from the long flight, wandering lost in a crowded street market, even starving, thanks to his finicky diet.

Overprotective? Maybe. But once your trust in someone is so completely shattered, how do you patch enough of it together to cover some areas and not others? I believe my kids’ dad is, as a parent, loving and devoted. But I believed that about him as a husband, too, and I was wrong.

I don’t blame myself for being guarded. I believe that any mother who has ever experienced betrayal would likely volunteer to go through it again rather than see her kids suffer a similar disappointment. At the same time, I have to be careful not to color my kids’ experiences with my disappointments. For me, this meant smiling while I packed a suitcase and waved bon voyage to my baby. It also meant feeling genuine happiness when my baby returned unscathed, unperturbed and a little more worldly.

Yes, I have learned some wonderful lessons on this road back from betrayal.

Here are the big ones.

Respond rather than react.

One of the best decisions I made early in the divorce process was to treat negotiations as business agreements and relegate them to emails rather than phone calls. That way, I can take my time and formulate a clear-headed answer on my timeline. Reacting equals losing power. Responding equals reclaiming power.

Have your facts straight.

In the case of the China trip, I assumed that my son couldn’t be taken out of the country without my permission. But when I checked our parenting agreement, I saw that my former husband only needed written permission from me for the first 24 months following the divorce. Wow. That shocked me, but there it was, in black and white.

Gathering the facts gave me time to gather my thoughts enough to get clear about my objections and whether they were ones I had a right to make. As galling as it is to have to follow rules with a rule-breaker who broke your heart, do it anyway.

Come from a “well-fed” place.

This is the juicy center, the meat inside the sandwich. Everything revolves around my ability to get quiet, tune in and take responsibility for my inner world. What are my motivations? Is this about me or my kids? Am I fighting for the sake of fighting? Am I settling an old score? Am I bored, lonely or craving drama? I need to look at whether I’m feeding myself what I need rather than entering into a “hungry” exchange with my former husband.

Of course, life, in its perfection, always provides us with opportunities to practice these skills. I had another chance when our daughter turned 13 and her dad decided it was her turn for an extravagant trip—to Thailand. This time I was prepared.

My response? Don’t forget your sunscreen.

Oh, and bring me back a Buddha.

Originally published in June 2018 on She Does the City.

RELATED LINKS
Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You
When Divorce Is the Only Answer
Why I Stopped Overcompensating for My Kids’ Absent Dad

Tammy Letherer is an author, writing coach and blogger. She holds a degree in Journalism from Indiana University and has enjoyed a long, varied professional writing career. She is the author of a memoir, The Buddha at My Table (release date October 2018) and a novel, Hello Loved Ones. She lives in Chicago with her children.

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Why I Stopped Overcompensating for My Kids’ Absent Dad

By Sarah Fumero

You might call it the “D” word—divorce. Many children are blessed to be overwhelmingly loved by two caring adults who are able to cohesively co-parent. Then there are some children, like my own, who are not only left in turmoil but are also left with an absentee parent.

The father of my first two children could be summed up as a slow-motion train wreck. There is too much to go into great detail about, but his biggest flaw is choosing to be the equivalent of a distant cousin as opposed to a father: going weeks and even months without contact, missing birthday phone calls and falling about two years behind on child support payments.

Seeing the heartache on my children’s faces prompted me to become the Queen Mother of Overcompensation. I now had to step into their father’s shoes. I had to make up for all that he was screwing up.

At first, it was harmless: trying to make sure I fulfilled every wish on the birthday and Christmas list. I mean, how couldn’t I? How could I make his lack of financial or emotional help be the fault of a child?

Next came the emotional compensation, choosing to ignore problematic behaviors simply because of the pain the kids were feeling due to the loss of a family unit. I can remember the day my then-third grader leveled a classroom following an angry encounter with his teacher. I remember being terribly embarrassed and expressing that to every faculty member in view, but moments later, taking him for ice cream to talk it out.

I was afraid of being the “bad parent.” That if my children saw me put my foot down, they would hate me. I feared they would want and long for the one who wouldn’t even take the time to pick up the phone to return a call. I had to be all they needed wrapped in one. Believe it or not, I needed their love during this difficult time as much as they needed mine. I was afraid to parent my own children.

As I continued this path of destruction, I slowly began to realize that my pattern of enabling them was like putting scotch tape on a leaky pipe; sooner or later, that tape slides off, and the real problem bursts through. The gifts and the ice cream didn’t stop the anger and only calmed the raging storms. The phone calls from school didn’t stop. The ADD/ADHD diagnosis came next, which led to bigger, more underlying issues being discovered. My children were in pain, and no toy could fix that. More needed to be done!

I had to recognize my own toxic behavior in being my children’s enabler. The naysayers were right—they needed love, yes—but they also need guidance and a strong mother who stood firm in her decisions and who wouldn’t waffle at their whimpering. They needed a mother who was confident enough to know that she could never fully fill the void of their absent father.

I also had to acknowledge that I, too, was in pain. Divorce is never easy for children, but for the parties who vowed to spend the rest of their lives together, it was devastating. I cried myself to sleep some nights, afraid to face the world as something I never wanted to be. I was now a single mother and, most of all, alone. Loneliness eats away at you, and I longed to fill the void.

As these thoughts came rushing over me, I realized what I was doing to myself. Trying to overcompensate for someone who couldn’t care less was like ordering a Big Mac with a Diet Coke—it made no sense. I was an emotional wreck and I was passing that disease to my own children. I had to make a choice. I had to decide if I wanted to continue to fill the emotional loss with worthless items or if I wanted to help my children heal.

I wanted them to heal, so I had to hold myself and them accountable for our poor choices.

Part of that process meant allowing my children to talk it out with someone other than myself. The school counselors were amazing in this transition; my boys opened up and let them into their safe zone. They were given strategies to deal with anger and to calm themselves. They began talking more about missing their father and how it made them feel that he rarely fulfilled his role. While these were steps in the right direction, the healing process takes time. We continue to take it step by step and remember that we are in it together.

I know that we are not all lucky enough to have the perfect co-parenting scenario, though that’s what we all want for our children. In the event that we don’t get that happy ending, understanding that we are in charge of guarding our children’s emotional healing—and proceeding carefully and responsibly—is key.

Originally published January 2019.

RELATED LINKS
When Divorce Is the Only Answer
Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You
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I am just regular mom of three wonderful boys and a married to the love of my life! I hope to reach people through writing and expressing my true experiences. My goal is to help a parent realize that no matter the struggle, they are not alone in the journey! 

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‘Honestly Elliott’ Will Teach Your Kids How to Be Their Best Self

by Marianella Orlando
Partner Content

Whether you love it or despise it, cooking can be seen as a form of self-expression and creativity–no matter if you whipped up dinner in 30 minutes or over an hour or spent hours in the kitchen preparing a feast. For some, cooking can even create feel-good emotions about one’s self, like pride for making something new or fulfillment for doing the best that one can.

That’s what Gillian McDunn, the critically acclaimed author of Caterpillar Summer, The Queen Bee & Me, and These Unlucky Stars, sets out to reveal in her latest heartwarming middle-grade novel: Honestly Elliott.

A contemporary fiction book, Honestly Elliott follows a sixth-grader named Elliott who is trying hard to be his best self, from finding methods to better cope with Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) to handling all the changes that are occurring in his life. Children eight to 12 will be able to sympathize with, and relate to, all the life transitions and daily challenges Elliott faces at home and at school.

Add this special ingredient to your child’s growing pantry of books!

The Story

Middle school has been tough for Elliott. He can’t keep his grades up, he keeps forgetting things and he feels out of place–at least with his dad who has completely opposite interests from him. On top of that, he is also struggling to accept everything that has changed in his life: his parents’ divorce, his father recently remarrying, his stepmother’s pregnancy, his best friend moving away and dividing his time between two different households.

Fortunately for Elliott, he can find comfort in cooking. He can control the outcome of the dishes he makes, can experiment with new recipes and escape the real world with his favorite cooking shows. So when he’s paired with his intelligent and popular classmate Maribel for a class business project, Elliott turns to cooking once again. Only this time around, his passion must be replaced with baking, which requires testing out gluten-free pie recipes for Maribel, who suffers from celiac disease. See what Elliott bakes up in this charming book!

See what Elliott bakes up in this charming book!

What Makes Honestly Elliott So Special

Through humor, heart, relatable characters and real-life experiences, Honestly Elliott touches on many transitions that come from adolescence–both in school and at home. The captivating plot keeps children engaged in the outcome of Elliott’s large school project but also brings to life the stereotypes of toxic masculinity, the effects of having ADHD and the journey of making mistakes and trying again.

Children may be able to see a little bit of themselves in Elliott and his new friend Maribel who are doing their best to become a better version of themselves.

The Reviews Say it All

“Starring a sweet and messy kid tackling problems that will bring laughter and tears, Honestly Elliott has all the ingredients for a memorable story.” ―Lynne Kelly, author of Song for a Whale

“McDunn is a master at creating characters that are fun, flawed, and above all, real. Full of humor and heart, Honestly Elliott is honestly and truly middle-grade at its best.” ―Jess Redman, author of The Miraculous and The Adventure is Now

“McDunn (These Unlucky Stars) offers an affirming and nuanced depiction of empathetic and creative Elliott's experience of ADHD. . .Elliott's relationship with his father, from whom he craves acceptance despite his dad's failure to acknowledge Elliott's specific challenges, is particularly inspiring as the two work toward openness and understanding.” ―Publishers Weekly, starred review

Get a copy of Honestly Elliott today to discover what Elliott bakes up!

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