ML Interest Tag: emotion

‘What’s Sweeter’ Is the Latest Book Giving Both Parents & Kids a Moment of Pause

by Jodi Cohen
Partner Content

As parents, moving through the day at a mile-a-minute can easily become our norm. We often mislabel multitasking as a badge of honor when in reality it can be quite detrimental to our memory, and our ability to fully be in the moment with our loved ones. Introduce after-school activities, homework, birthday parties, media-time and our kids wind up on the same loop of go-go-go that we do.

Looking for an easy moment of pause? We’ve got you.

Something as simple as a daily reading routine with your kids can slow your pace and allow for your family to become present. Cracking a book, connecting over a story, delighting in the imagery on the page and in your imagination…these are the moments, it seems, we work so hard to capture. And these are the moments debut author-illustrator June Tate provides for parents, caretakers, teachers and the children in their lives with her book “What’s Sweeter.”

While tackling the everyday grind can model resilience, we love the opportunity that “What’s Sweeter” provides in modeling self-awareness, self-confidence and emotionality.

Peppered with delightful stencil drawings, this book is just as beneficial for our kids as it is for us.

Pass this book to the sweetest around you.

The Story

is there anything sweeter / than cracking open a stiff new book to take a big whiff / and finding a list of all sweet moments that are tiny and powerful and everyday.

We follow a diverse cast of charmingly sketched characters as they reflect in wonder at everyday delights. Whether it’s landing a new skateboard trick or picking a big bowl of oranges by yourself, this book naturally inspires kids to recognize and relish the little moments in their daily lives.

Learning how to take these moments of pause and reflection is a lifelong practice your kids can begin to replicate outside of story-hour, and carry with them throughout their lives.

What Others Are Saying About What’s Sweeter:

'A soothing bedtime read. A quiet book that will help readers experience and reflect on the rich sensations of life.' — Kirkus Reviews

'Those who read it will find themselves enthralled. An endearing book for caregivers to share with children.' — School Library Journal

'Tate’s whimsical musing ends with a twist that brings this beguiling, even sweet, interlude close to the reader.' — Publishers Weekly

Perfect for a holiday gift, or any occasion, this book highlights the charm and joy in every day’s seemingly simple occurrences. Order your copy today.

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No Birth Plan Includes the NICU: What to Do If You Find Yourself There

By Lauren Stuart

No parent imagines themselves navigating the NICU until it actually happens, and the dreams of taking home your new baby, or in my case, babies, are put on hold. The NICU, as a serious reality, met me at 29 weeks. I can still recall my first visit from the neonatologist so clearly even though it was nearly four years ago. While on bed rest in the hospital for constant monitoring, he came in to discuss the “odds.” It was awful. The almost robotic, stripped-of-emotion forecast of what to expect was all medical and all about the babies. Rightfully so, they were the ones in jeopardy, but here I was a first-time mom, trying to understand what could medically happen to my babies, but there was no discussion of emotional care or support. Not for me, not for my husband.

I don’t envy medical practitioners: their words hold so much gravity for families. They communicate the odds of mortality, complications, and if/then scenarios in such a matter-of-fact way that they must have to turn themselves off to interact with families. And in my experience, medical jargon leaves no room for your emotions.

The twins were taken out at 32+0. My son had stopped growing. Their environment was dubbed “toxic” by my perinatologist. My daughter was 3 lbs 15 oz, but my son was just 1 lb 15 oz. No one could have prepared me for the journey we were about to take, but my hope is that from the journey we walked, I can help another mom or dad prepare for what navigating the NICU might look like; your emotions, and that there are some things that sound scary, but aren’t.

First Things First: Don’t Feel Pressured to Feel a Certain Way
The feelings I had after giving birth scared me. They scared me because I didn’t have many feelings at all. It felt like an alternate reality. I was no longer pregnant, but I never went into labor, and I didn’t get to hold my babies. They were immediately taken away. I had a rough recovery and didn’t see them for more than 24 hours. Not because I couldn’t, but because I was afraid to. I went home five days later, never having held them (I wasn’t allowed to), and returned every day but one for 56 days. I finally got to hold my son and daughter after two weeks.

Until then, all I could do was sit by their isolettes, pump, lay pressure on their tiny bodies, and just be. It took weeks to feel like a mom, to connect to them, and start to feel that love grow. NICU or not, not everyone feels that instantaneous love that movies and social media often portray. Love, at first sight, is not what everyone feels, and that is ok. We need to talk openly about that so it’s normalized and women don’t think something is wrong with them if the love takes time to grow.

Second: Find Your Voice
Your friends and family won’t really know what to do. Sometimes people respond by giving you more space than you want or need (which can feel like they don’t care) or laying it on too thick with constant checking in. Be vocal about what you do and don’t want or need from them. Finding your voice in the midst of the journey is key for processing and navigating. The sooner it’s found the better.

And on That Note…
If you need more time with a doctor during rounds, don’t let them rush you. It’s always helpful to let one of your nurses know you have questions and need more time so they can prep the doctor beforehand. Ask questions until you understand what you’re told. Doctors often forget not to talk to us like we’re another doctor. If you don’t like how a nurse interacts with you, or how they are with your child, ask for another one. You are the only one who will advocate for yourself and your baby—you have to find your voice even when it’s uncomfortable.

The Role of the Social Worker
In the NICU, social workers are your friend. “Social worker” always had a negative connotation to me, so when I was told one was going to meet with me, my first thought was they must think I did something wrong in my pregnancy that caused this “situation.” Not the case. Social workers are there to help you get services for your child when you leave the hospital. That can be in the form of financial aid and therapy assistance that is often required to get NICU babies “caught up.”

Easier Said Than Done but… Don’t Panic
There are machines and cords everywhere. If I got a crash course on the machines, it’s a blur. One day an alarm sounded for my son that sent me into a panic; it was longer, louder, and harsher sounding than any I had heard before. It was only alerting that his feeding tube “feed” had completed. Don’t try to interpret the numbers or the beeps on anything. Trust that if there is something that needs attention, a nurse, or five, will be there in an instant.

There Is an Upside
While the NICU is an uncertain place to be, you will bond with nurses and have an instant connection with other NICU parents. You’ll see new babies come and others leave while you wait. A friendly smile or knowing when to avoid eye contact can go a long way. And while there is so much uncertainty, one thing that is certain about having a NICU baby, if you are blessed to take them home, you will look at them differently and savor every single milestone.

Lauren moved to California in her mid-twenties where she met Brandon; they’ve been married for almost 7 years and have 4-year-old twins. Lauren had the twins prematurely and left her job at Google to care for them. Though grueling, Lauren considers it a blessing and the most rewarding job (in addition to running bökee)!

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Why You Should Nurture Your Kid’s Emotional Intelligence

By Cara Zelas

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is understanding and recognizing your emotions, and how they impact you and those around you. It also involves perspective taking, comprehending empathy, and having a real understanding of others’ emotions too. It is about building self-awareness and learning emotional self-regulation as well as gaining the social skills to connect and understand others.

How Is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Different from Intelligence Quotient (IQ)?

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is intelligence specifically relating to emotions, how an individual can classify, evaluate, regulate and communicate emotions—people skills. Intelligence Quotient (IQ) refers to processing, applying, filtering, and retaining information, logical reasoning, and abstract and spatial thinking—book smart. It is a different skill set, both of which can be inherent and learned.

The Benefits of Emotional Intelligence for Your Child:

  • Enhances emotional regulation

  • Encourages positive conflict resolution skills

  • Helps your child absorb critical feedback and use it constructively to grow

  • Guides your child to be a team player and work cooperatively with success

  • Activates listening skills

Strengthen Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence through These 5 Actions:

1. Label your child’s emotions, give feelings a name. Acknowledging emotions by using simple language, “I see you are feeling (insert emotion),” provides validation and gives your child the affirmation that you are listening and understanding them at the moment.

2. Do simple breathing exercises to promote emotional self-regulation.

3. Be an active listener, especially if your child is harboring views that are different from yours. Ask questions to gain an understanding of why they may think a certain way and refrain from judgment.

4. Write it down or draw a picture. Sometimes when your child is experiencing a big emotion, the feeling gets trapped and swirls around their head and builds up to grow into something bigger than it may be in reality. Verbalising, writing, or drawing is a release valve.

5. Give your child a task with a goal (finishing a puzzle, getting dressed alone, putting on their shoes, etc.) this gives a sense of ownership over self-motivation. Encourage your child to follow through despite the outcome.

Research shows high levels of emotional intelligence are directly linked to academic achievement, better relationships, greater success for adulthood, and improved mental health. The most exciting thing about Emotional Intelligence is that it can be taught and learned. Nurturing your child’s Emotional Intelligence will give them a strong foundation in which to flourish.

RELATED:
Kids Who Can Manage Emotions Do Better In School, Study Finds
The One Thing We Miss When We Applaud Our Kid’s Success
How to Help Kids Handle Their Emotions

Do you have a story you’d like to share with our readers? We’d love to hear it! Sign up to contribute your story on our Voices Network.

Hi! I am an author, founder and educator. I have a Bachelor of Media Communications, Bachelor of Elementary Education Degrees as well as an Early Childhood Montessori Certification and in the process of completing a Master of Education. I live between New York and Byron Bay. I'm the mama of Grace, Theodore and Little Dude! 

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Forging a New Path despite the Stereotypes

By Heather Merrick

In the US, the assumption from the day my child was born has felt like I’d either a) surrender years of costly education and hard work to her and my partner OR b) essentially pay a nanny to be a third parent so I can ignore our home life and burn myself out at work. Both are incredibly disempowering.

“But isn’t option A what you want, you Housewife?” No, because I’m not a Housewife.

“But isn’t option B what you want, you Career Woman?” No, because I’m not a Career Woman.

I’m a human being, with accomplishments, goals, dreams, and aspirations. I’m a child of a Head Start pre-K teacher. She and my father both worked hard to afford private elementary school, a choice they felt was best for me at the time. I got into Bard, Bennington, and most of the other fancy “alternative” colleges, but my family couldn’t afford to send me there. So instead I worked my butt off in high school to earn myself a full ride at a public liberal arts college in Florida. When I wanted to pursue grad school to learn more about technology and move out of Florida, I took out a massive student loan that crippled me financially for the next 12 years. I finally paid it off, partly by doubling my salary within five years through grit, determination, and a real need to get out of that hole on my own. (And by my own, it also included a heaping cup of white privilege and marrying a cis white male partner, which in so doing doubled my income yet again.) I do not want to throw all of that away. 

I also do not want to ignore my child in favor of a job at which I am ultimately disposable, like all other “at-will” employees in this country. It is hard to describe how deeply I longed to have a child and hold her in my arms for years and years. The reality of parenthood is much harsher than the rosy image I had of it, sure, but I still cherish every moment and love her to the moon and back. Parenthood is an opportunity to me, not a burden. I’m not outsourcing one of the most joyful aspects of my life that I have planned and yearned for.

“Geez, you sound angry.” Yes, I am angry, as I should be. (Female anger is not something to be feared, by the way. Anger is an emotion like all of the others, and one that all mothers in this country are currently very much entitled to feel.)

Yet again we are dealing with a complete failure of our government to provide even a modicum of financial and emotional support for women. The underlying message? “Your life is not worth more than your output.” As Jill Filipovic wrote about much better than I could, “Free Female Labor is The Plan.”

When I heard about the “glass ceiling” in my 20s, I always imagined it was something that I would slowly rise up to and softly bump into. That has not been my experience. Instead it’s a heavy glass pane that gets slammed into your head, knocking you out, dizzying you. It’s been three years since my daugther was born and I’m still looking around in a daze and unsure of what the hell happened.

So what am I doing about all of this? Well, I started a community called Seattle Parents Club. It’s a free, open, and supportive space for parents of all genders and families of all shapes to join together online and off. We now have more than 60 wonderful members, and I hope you will join us if you live in the Seattle area.

I’m also doing my best to not go for option A or option B, but rather forge my own path away from both, towards Other, Not Pictured Here, etc… I want my daughter to see that the format of her life is not a few decades of achievements and infinite opportunities followed by a sudden narrowing of her choices, none of which fit. That’s not what any child should see when they look at the roadmap ahead of them. Watch this space, I suppose, in terms of what that “Other” really looks like. Again, I’m only human. I’m just figuring it out.

By the way, if this post seems hurried, it’s because it is. I formulated most of this in my head while taking a shower, as my husband rushed out the door to drop off our daughter at daycare. I’m writing and publishing these words in the approximately 15 minutes of free time I have between getting ready and starting work. Is that the ideal way our family’s mornings would be? No, but like I said, I’m still forging the path.

—Heather Merrick

 

This post originally appeared on heathermerrick.com.

Heather Merrick lives in Seattle with her husband, daughter, and a tailless cat. She leads customer support teams for startups by day and manages the Seattle Parents Club by night (or, to be more accurate, very early in the mornings). She loves podcasts, gardening, photography, and toddler crafts.

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3 Ways I’ve Discovered to Raise Kind(er) Kids

by Meghan Yudes Meyers

We all want happy, healthy, confident kids and study after study suggests that fostering kindness in your kiddos can help boost their oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, all key biological players in happiness, wellness, and self-esteem. We know that kindness can be taught and empathy increased through modeling these behaviors for our kids. I’ve learned that letting my kids see me be an active community helper increases their desire to also pitch in and help others, but I wanted to grow my children’s understanding of people’s needs beyond random acts of kindness. Here are three more ways I’ve adopted to increase my kiddos’ kindness factor.

1. We Ditched the Word Nice

Meghan Yudes Meyers

When my kids were itty bitty, I used to talk about being “nice” 24/7. Raising sensitive, caring human beings was of the utmost importance to me. But I realized early on I was using the wrong words. 

“Ouch. Biting hurts. Biting is not nice.”

“It’s not nice to take toys. Your sister was still playing with that!”

“Be NICE to your brother. Hitting is not nice.”

Those statements are all true. Biting and hitting are not pleasant. And neither is someone snatching your favorite stuffie. But “nice” isn’t what I meant. KIND is. I had an a-ha moment when my kids were about four. I was sharing a story with my twins' then-teacher about one of my kiddos going above and beyond and really being well, nice, when she addressed this particular child and said, “Wow, that was SO kind of you.” 

I was instantly struck that she did not use my words. And I thought, wow, she’s right. I mean KIND. I ditched the word nice as my go-to descriptor from that day forward. Of course, my kids probably didn’t recognize these nuances when I first made the shift. But at seven, they can now tell the difference. For instance, my son came home the other day upset and complaining that his very favorite classmate wasn’t nice to him that day. I immediately empathized with him and asked him what went wrong, He wailed, “She had to pick a partner. And she didn’t pick me!”

To add salt to the wound, his twin sister was picked. 

As the story unfolded, I learned that this little girl had to choose her partner. Certainly an awkward and daunting task for a first grader! She had apparently made her choice by the child-equivalent to a coin toss, but my son wasn’t happy with the results. He whined, “It just wasn’t nice! She’s not nice!” 

I explained to him that not getting picked isn’t nice (or pleasant) at all! I also explained to him that having to choose a partner, knowing others might get hurt might not have been a nice process for his little friend, either. But, in the end, this child choose to make it as fair as possible, and that was kind.

Nice is a pretty basic word. Rainbows are nice. Unicorns are nice. Nice describes something that is pleasant. Something that, hopefully, leaves feel good vibes. But kindness is complex. Kindness takes so many shapes and, as the example above demonstrates, kindness doesn’t always look nice. Not only have we scratched nice from our vocabulary (or the most part), but my husband and I try to qualify acts of kindness whenever possible. We articulate exactly how an act is kind so our kids know it when they see it

2. We Are Active Observers

iStock

Studies suggest that merely observing kindness can boost our mood (and increase our empathy) as we take stock of the goodness that surrounds us. We practice being grateful by reviewing our day as a family. Who made our day better by some small act? Who shared with us? Said an uplifting word? Who included us?

We also flex our observation muscle when we watch TV or read a book. I was a bit of a Sesame Street junkie as a child. Bert and Ernie were my favorite duo, so much so that I invented my own imaginary friend, Bernie. While I was learning my ABCs and how to count with the Count, I was also absorbing very important lessons on empathy and kindness with the original emotional IQ educators. 

Most shows don’t unpack someone’s feelings quite like Bert & Ernie do (or my personal imaginary helper, Bernie did). Because most media does not guide kids on their quest to be empathetic, I channel Bernie and try to vocalize what we are watching on TV. Thank goodness for on-demand shows with pause capabilities in this day and age! When someone is offering a helping hand or lifting their friend up through words, we hit pause to discuss how those actions might affect the recipient. We also stop shows to discuss overtly mean, rude or unkind behavior. 

We do the same thing with the books we read. Recently, we were reading the delightful (and hilarious) new book, I Am Not a Dog Toy by Ethan T. Berlin. The little girl in this book is extremely unkind to her new toy who simply longs to be her new favorite friend. She makes rude comments about the toys appearance, ignores the toy's plea for a playmate and even shoves the toy. This book was a great leaping off point for us, as a family, to discuss how it is important to be kind to ourselves, too. And that tolerating bully-like behavior like the girl in this book exhibits isn't respecting our own boundaries. 

3. We Start with Ourselves

A toddler stretches out on the floor to draw using school supplies
iStock

I've read that children who are self-compassionate are more likely to empathize with others. It makes sense; when our kids are able to identify their feelings, work through their emotions and lift themselves up they can lean on some (or all) of those skills when they see a friend in need. 

Recently, we've were working through one of life's toughest emotions: Anger. I bought a kid-friendly workbook that had us do silly things like name our anger, draw a picture of what our anger might look like and, most importantly, identify what anger feels like when it starts to bubble up. The book helped take some of the scariness out of anger, after all it is a feeling we all experience from time to time. But both my kids were struggling with how to wrestle with this beast of an emotion when it came flooding into their little bodies. The book helped my kids identify some ways they could self-regulate when they were feeling angry, like take a walk or draw a picture. 

After we finished the book, I noticed both of my kids were much more self-aware when it came to their anger. They haven't quite reached a place where taking a walk to calm down is automatic, but they are able to say how they could possibly have reacted differently. But the unexpected reward from this little exercise was their newfound awareness (and empathy) towards others experiencing anger. 

Shortly after finishing the book, a classmate of theirs was, according to my kids, very (very!) angry. In the past, I'm confident my kids saw another person AS the angry monster (and not a person simply struggling with an emotion). But being able to simply identify that their classmate was experiencing anger and even taking a stab at what caused this child to become upset in the first place made the situation approachable to both of them. I'm not sure if suggesting to their classmate that they should draw a picture really helped?! But their ability to put themselves in their classmates shoe's is a happy step towards being two kinder kids. 

—Meghan Yudes Meyers

feature image via iStock

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6 Ways to Practice Self-Love Daily

By Jen Kathrina-Anne

Showing yourself some self-love can go a long way in strengthening your mental and emotional health and peace of mind. Here are six ways to practice self-love daily:

1. Realize That Self-Care Is Not Selfish
Say it with me: self-care is not selfish. It is you taking care of your basic needs and rights as a human being. It is about doing the little things that bring you joy and promote peace within you. None of us can pour from an empty cup.

2. Forgive Yourself for past Mistakes
Sometimes we carry the weight of our past decisions and actions into our present. While thinking about the past is important to give us clarity and perspective, it’s important not to beat ourselves up. Today is always a chance to do better and to learn from mistakes, not to dwell in regret. Be kind to yourself.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Any Emotion 
Every day we will feel many different emotions. It’s ok to not feel ok, as they say. Allow your negative emotions to pass over and through you without guilt and the need to be “happy” all the time. Realize that feeling any and all of your emotions is a normal part of being human.

4. Limit News & Social Media
While it’s certainly important to know what’s happening in the world, there is such a thing as too much information. We are inundated daily by news reports and everyone else’s opinion about all of it. Try to limit your intake to a reasonable amount per day and maybe even consider taking one day per week to detox completely from media.

5. Declutter Your Space 
Sometimes we let clutter take over without even realizing it. Many times physical clutter can represent mental clutter. When we take the time to declutter our space, it contributes to mental decluttering and a more relaxed atmosphere.

6. Get Out in Nature
Humans are not meant to be cooped up all day. Do yourself a favor and get outside for fresh air even if it means just standing on your front porch. Fresh air, sunshine, and greenery go a long way in perking up your mood!

 

 

This post originally appeared on The Haute Mommy Handbook.

Jen Kathrina-Anne is a blogger, freelance writer, and graphic designer. When she’s not writing or designing, she enjoys spending time outdoors in the California Bay Area where she resides with her husband and two fearless daughters. Find her at www.hautemommyhandbook.com.

 

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15 Things Every Daughter Needs to Hear from Her Dad

by Kipp Jarecke-Cheng

Dads often serve as the first male role models for their daughters, shaping a girl’s worldview of how men interact with those around them, how they process (or don’t process) their emotional selves, and how they show what they truly value. The things father figures do with their daughters are important, of course, but what’s arguably just as important are the things they say. We asked around and gathered 15 things every daughter should hear from her dad. Keep reading to see them all.

Pixaby

1. You can grow up to be anything you want to be.
Despite all of the progress that has been made in breaking down social and economic barriers for women around the world, studies show that gender roles persist and continue to be established at a very early age for both girls and boys. Fathers can help to combat the straitjacketing effect of gender roles on girls by reminding our daughters that they can grow up to become whatever they set their minds on, even President of the United States.

2. It's okay to ask for help.
Studies have shown that most men don't want to or don't know how to ask for help because they've been taught it's a sign of weakness to need assistance. But, if you show that you aren't afraid to reach out for advice, knowledge or guidance, you'll be able to teach your daughter how to do the same.

Kipp Jarecke-Cheng

3. Your mother/father is my best friend.
Modeling a strong and positive relationship with your spouse directly affects the kinds of relationships that children pursue with their friends and peers now as well as later in life. Daughters with fathers who respect and cherish their spouses will mirror that behavior in the relationships that they have in their childhood and beyond.

4. Do what makes you happy.
Your daughter will see you go to work every day, follow your hobbies and passions. It's important that she knows life isn't just about how much money you make or how many winning teams you're on, but if you're happy while it's happening.

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5. I'm here for you, always.
Kids need to know that they can count on you, even when they're teenagers. You want your daughter to ask you about boys and other grown-up stuff because you've been there.

6. I’m sad.
Don’t be afraid to let your daughter know when you’re feeling down. Studies have shown a direct correlation between a parent’s ability to express emotion and a child’s social competence. A parent’s expression of positive emotion toward his child is generally associated with better social development for the child. Conversely, a parent’s negative emotional expression and poor social development can adversely impact the emotional and social development of a child.

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7. Let me tell you a secret.
Share a secret with your daughter. She’ll appreciate your candor and vulnerability. And maybe she’ll share a secret of her own with you.

8. Let’s play football.
As adults, we sometimes forget that play is an essential part of childhood. For dads, we can sometimes feel more comfortable rough-housing with our sons, but our daughters want to get in on the action, too. For fathers of daughters, there’s no reason why we can’t toss a football with our daughters.

Shopify Partners via Burst

9. Do you want ice cream for dinner?
Sometimes having ice cream for dinner is the right answer to any question.

10. What do you think?
When you ask your daughter for advice, you show that her opinion matters and that you respect her. Plus, you might be surprised by her answers and be able to look at a problem with a fresh perspective. 

Caroline Hernandez via Unsplash

11. I’m so grateful that I get to be your dad.
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s easy to forget to express gratitude. Letting our daughters know how lucky and proud we are to be their dad can remind them that we are there for them and that we don’t take our role for granted.

12. What do you want to do?
Ask your daughter what she wants to do on a father-daughter date. There are plenty of ideas to choose from. 

dad and tween daughter talking
iStock

13. Never let anyone pressure you. 
Whether it's bullying another kid, breaking the rules, or being talked into doing something physical she doesn't want to do, daughters need to truly understand that she's got the power to say no and walk away at any time.

14. I am so proud of you. 
Kids need to hear that their parents are proud of their accomplishments, no matter how trivial it may seem.

15. I love you.
Tell your daughter that you love her every day. Tell her multiple times a day. Tell her even when she thinks it’s corny. Tell her because you do.

— Kipp Jarecke-Cheng with Gabby Cullen 

Featured image: iStock 

 

RELATED STORIES:

5 Things Not to Tell Your Daughter

Compliments You Need to Give Your Daughter

20 Things You Should Say to Your Kids Every Day

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When They Only Want Mommy: A How-To Guide to Reclaiming Your Space

By Cara Maclean

As a new mom, it can be flattering when your children only want you. No matter if it’s a scratched knee, a bedtime story, or that special way you put on their socks, kids gravitate toward Mom. It can make you feel loved, needed, and (after a while) like you can’t be away for more than a moment. Actually, not even a moment. They find you fast.

Children don’t mean to insult your partner by refusing assistance, and they don’t consciously intend to monopolize all your time. (Even though they often do both.) They simply seek comfort. At all times. And they are used to you.

 

What’s the best way to share parenting responsibilities?

There may not be an official best way that applies to all situations. There may be places where you want to be the go-to parent, and others you want to share. Even though your partner might already want to share in the duties, you might find you need to be the one to initiate communication. Often dads aren’t even aware of a problem unless we communicate our needs.

If you’re like most moms, the bulk of child interaction defaults to you. Plus, we sometimes overlook our need for space and time to ourselves. If we do recognize the need, we either feel guilty or dread the logistical challenges involved. (If you think, “What would I do anyway?” It’s is a clear sign that you need time to connect with yourself.) Remember, you are a better parent when you have time to recharge your own battery. If you’re in a spot where you want your partner to share the love AND have your kids running to both of you, try these three steps.

 

Step One: Communicate Your Needs

The first step is shining light on the issue. There’s a chance your spouse doesn’t even realize that you’re not in maternal bliss with your kids hanging on you 24/7. After all, that’s what moms do, right? You might need to let him know that you want a more balanced distribution of hang time (so to speak). Approach this conversation by recognizing the benefit of both parents and different parenting styles (even though hopefully you’ve discussed and decided on your overall parenting approach already). When you frame the conversation in terms of a win-win for everyone, especially the kids, you might get even more buy-in. Even if the issue deals more with your child’s behavior, having a conversation with your partner is always the place to start.

 

Step Two: Create Bonding Moments

No matter how upset your children get when you’re away, encourage your partner to develop his own way of playing and dealing with tough situations. Hopefully, there are already games and things that your partner and kids do together. You want them to be comfortable with each other when there’s not a crisis. That’s the place to start. Then, practice with the ‘crisis’ moments. If your child bursts into tears when you leave the room, have your partner come up with a game, story, or distraction to lessen that reaction and develop a stronger relationship. If you are the eternal boo-boo fixer, then let your husband craft his signature way of dealing with scraps and bruises. (And this could mean giving him the first aid kit and saying you really need to go to the bathroom, like, right now. Whatever works.)  Creating time when your kids play with your partner (especially if it doesn’t happen automatically) helps them develop a stronger relationship that will continue to grow as everyone matures. Sometimes you might be able to be home for these shenanigans, and sometimes you may need to physically remove yourself from their space.

 

Step Three: Remove Thyself

If you are always available, then your children will always want you. It’s good for you and your children to have some time away from each other. This cannot be overstated: It is good for you AND your kids to have time away from each other. Set a regular ‘mom’s out of the house’ time where your partner takes over. It doesn’t matter what you do with this time, but make sure you honor it. Keep to the schedule to give them time to grow and work out their own system. It’s ok for it to be awkward, for the kids to cry, and for your husband to find his own way of parenting without texting you constantly. That’s necessary for everyone’s comfort level. Note: Be wary of controlling what happens when your partner takes over. The benefit of different parenting styles is accurate, and even though it won’t be like you do it – whatever “it” is – everyone will be happier and healthier. And if the house is destroyed when you come home (thus, feeling like more work for you), revisit Step One and continue the conversation.

These three simple steps have endless variations and may need to be revisited as your relationships develop, your children mature, and your needs evolve. Don’t be afraid to have awkward conversations, speak up for what you need, and persist through any uncomfortable behavior from your child, spouse, or yourself. Changing up the expected dynamic is bound to push buttons and bring up emotion. Rest assured that when you can be away without crisis, you’ll be happier and your family will thrive no matter who’s got the snacks.

 

Cara Maclean, Wellness Coach & Writer, works with moms to undo what keeps them exhausted. We cultivate the calm, joyful energy needed to handle any challenge with humor and grace. Author of Just the Way It Is: A Look at Gifted/2e Families, Spring 2022, GHF Press. Learn more at CaraMaclean.com

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Ashley Tisdale & Christopher French Welcome Their First Child

by Erica Loop

Congrats go out to High School Musical alum Ashley Tisdale and hubby Christopher French! The actress recently announced the birth of the couple’s first baby—daughter Jupiter Iris French.

Tisdale took to Instagram, positing a sweet black and white pic of her newborn’s teeny tiny hand. Along with the first family photo, the new mama captioned her post, “Jupiter Iris French arrived earth side 3.23.21.”

Just a few short days ago Tisdale posted a photo of herself on IG, writing, “Any day now…..” As it turns out, the actress was spot on with her prediction. Of course, this wasn’t exactly the new mommy’s first pregnancy-related IG post.

Like other mothers-to-be, the actress posted plenty of bump pics, sharing her baby joy with cute captions such as, “She’s already a light in my life.” Tisdale also wrote about her experience with a pandemic pregnancy, “Sitting here folding clothes for baby girl and suddenly overwhelmed by emotion. Pregnancy during a pandemic has been challenging and rewarding at the same time. Moms, I am in this with you. I hear you. I see you.”

—Erica Loop

Featured photo: DFree / Shutterstock.com

 

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Make Family Photos Less Painful with These 5 Tips

By Tristan Quigley

As a mom, it can feel daunting. I’ve seen it so many times. That nervous look in a mother’s eye as the family photo session she planned for weeks begins to go off track when her little one melts down.

As a long-time San Diego family photographer, I know it well. It’s usually a mix of frustration and embarrassment. You have a lot of time and money invested in this experience. You carefully planned your family’s outfits, convinced your less than enthusiastic spouse to join, picked the perfect location, and possibly bribed your children. When they start acting up, you might be the one who wants to cry! It definitely doesn’t have to be this way. I’m here to make your family photography experience enjoyable right from the beginning. Here are 5 tips to keep in mind as you prepare for your session.

1. Let Them Be Kids! 
As a mom of six and a family photographer for over 10 years I have seen it all. Super shy kids, hyper kids, kids who literally want nothing to do with my camera. Guess what? I can almost guarantee we will still get images that make your heart skip a beat. There is nothing your child can do that will surprise me. Don’t feel embarrassed for even a second. I’ve been at this a long time. I have plenty of tricks up my sleeve to get even the most hesitant child to open up a little. I’ve got you mama! As you prepare for family photos, remember your kids have minds of their own. Especially toddlers. If something I’m doing in a session isn’t working, that’s totally ok! We can switch gears immediately. I keep things very light-hearted and move quickly to keep a young child engaged.

2. Relax.
Kids feed off your mood. Therefore, take a deep breath and relax! I know getting everyone ready is stressful, but try your best to stay as calm as possible. Positive reinforcement works way better than negative consequences. Threats of discipline can send a session spiraling out of control, especially with super little ones with no impulse control. I know it’s frustrating, but I will help you through it. Set yourself up for success by talking about the session ahead of time in a fun manner. Say something like, “We’re going to the beach with Tristan today. She loves to chase you around, makes silly faces, and tells silly jokes. She’ll be taking our pictures and maybe she will let you try!” Once a session begins, the best thing you can do to help is to have fun and snuggle up with your kids.

3. Let Me Take the Lead.
You know your child better than anyone else. You know what makes them nervous, laugh, or gets them out of a bad mood. In this instance, you can just sit back and try to relax. As an experienced mom and photographer, I can usually get almost all of my young clients to let loose and have fun. You might feel like you need to stand behind me and tell your kids to “smile” or “look at the camera.” This is not the case when you’re working with a professional family photographer. My job is to capture real emotion and genuine smiles. The goal isn’t to “make” them smile. It’s my job is to get them to capture the natural toothless grins and belly laughs. Your job is to take a breath and soak in the moment. Parents rarely have the opportunity to simply relax and stare at their incredible little people. This is that moment. Enjoy every second of it!

Sometimes it’s helpful to show them a picture of the photographer in advance when talking about the upcoming session. Check out their Instagram profile or website about section. This will help them see we are a friend. A quick zoom call or video text introducing myself helps my clients as well! That can definitely help make timid kids feel a little more connected from the start.

4. Plan in Advance.
By far, the easiest way to prepare for a family photography session is to give yourself plenty of time to get ready. You want to eat before your session and have a snack and/or water for your kids on location. In addition, make sure your children are rested and pack everything you need well in advance. Give your outfits a test run in the days prior to your session. If something feels uncomfortable, choose something else. Stress increases when you feel rushed. This can result in a cranky family. Give yourself extra time to get dressed, load the car, and drive to the session. The goal is to minimize any crazy, rushed feelings. They will totally feed off of you. If you are as cool as a cucumber, it will make things even smoother for them.

5. Get your Partner on Board.
It was mentioned earlier that your mood can set the tone for the session. Your partner’s mood matters too. Kids will notice if their parents aren’t excited about the session. I know most people don’t exactly jump for joy at the prospect of having their photo taken. So, talk with your spouse and ask them to put their game face on. My sessions are all about capturing genuine emotion, authentic connection, and real smiles. My job is to capture the real you. Get ready to play, laugh, relax. Just be yourself!

Even if I am not your photographer, these tips would set you out on the right foot to create some amazing memories. If all else fails, pour yourself a nice glass of wine later!

 

Hi! My name is Tristan. I am a mom of 6 & the owner of Tristan Quigley Photography. I specialize in maternity, newborn, senior & family photography in the San Diego area. I have over 10+ years of experience creating timeless memories for thousands of amazing clients!

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