A new study on unpaid financial leave shows just how devastating it is to be a new mom in the U.S.
Breeze, a disability and critical illness insurance company, conducted the recent study on unpaid family leave, surveying 1,001 women between the ages of 18 and 44. A reported 54% of those surveyed said they’d “consider a personal loan to cover unpaid maternity leave expenses,” while 49% would consider “drawing from their retirement funds.” Another 47% would take “a 5% pay cut if their employer offered paid maternity leave.”
Included in the study is the sobering fact that just 19% of U.S. workers have access to paid family leave through their employers at all. That means millions of women are faced with the choice of starting a family or continuing to earn money to live.
Regardless of how much you save in anticipation of being off work without pay, having to take weeks off to heal, care for a new baby, establish a routine, and feel emotionally or physically ready to be back in an office leaves most moms without any savings to speak of, if not in debt as a result. Add in any complications from birth, postpartum depression, lack of social or family support, and limited daycare options (most won’t accept an infant under six weeks of age), and the outlook becomes even more concerning for new parents.
Most of the women surveyed said taking unpaid leave would be a “permanent setback” to them financially, and 74% admit they wouldn’t have “any cash savings left after 8 weeks of unpaid maternity.” Over half (56%) would consider taking on an “uncomfortable amount of credit card debt” to cover expenses incurred from unpaid leave, only exacerbating financial instability for months and years to come.
It’s worth repeating that the U.S. is the only industrialized nation that does not require companies to issue paid family leave. As a result, one in four women go back to work just two weeks after giving birth, according to the advocacy group Paid Leave US (PL+US). Two weeks.
To underscore the importance of having this critical paid time off after having a child, 38% said they would work an extra ten hours a week to have that time covered and not deal with the overwhelming stress of such a financial burden. Given one study shows working moms actually “work” 98 hours a week, it’s anyone’s guess where this additional time can be found.
If you’ve seen the Netflix hit show Workin’ Moms, you instinctively know that star and creator Catherine Reitman doesn’t hold back. During a recent interview, she talked in depth about motherhood and the attempt to balance work and parenting her two sons, Jackson, nine, and Liam, six. “Being a working mother is impossible,” she said, and moms everywhere know truer words have never been spoken.
“I’m not angry at the question,” she told Romper of the age-old “how do you balance” inquisition every working mom eventually gets. “I’m angry at the answer, only because I don’t think it exists.”
Reitman and the rest of the cast have made the first six seasons of Workin’ Moms a huge success. Since 2017, the series, which has been renewed for a (final) seventh season, hasn’t shied away from topics ranging from postpartum depression, marriage ebbs and flows, family leave, nuanced friendships, the mental load, and the politics of parenting. But Reitman made sure the show’s focus—for the most part—centered around the women’s careers.
“If you actually watch our show, the storyline percentage of us interacting with our kids is probably less than 20%,” she said. “This is really a show about women outside of their nurseries. It’s about women who happen to have the identity of mothers going after their dreams unapologetically.” It’s that unapologetic part that’s so important, because, why can’t we want more than one thing?
“When we sold the show initially, my only knowledge of what this show could be with the identity crisis of the first time you returned to work after having a baby, that’s all I knew,” she continued. “And then, of course, as the show progressed, so did my children. Early on you’re dealing with the fellow mothers at Mommy & Me and your transition back into the workplace to now, oh my god, I’m dealing with principals of my kids who are currently in first grade and the realities of my children’s schedules are demanding more of me or less of me. It’s all these sort of natural flux of parenthood that goes as your kids get older.”
She also knows it’s the show’s honesty and rawness that’s connected fans of the show and leaves us wanting more. “This is why the show is successful: it’s not because I’m some person who understands motherhood in a more complex, interesting way than anybody else,” she noted. “It’s just like, of course, this is draining!”
People who think maternity leave is a vacation have clearly never taken one. From sleep deprivation to the endless needs of the baby to the drawn-out mental and physical recovery, a new mom is hardly taking a break from reality like a (much-deserved) vacation would allow.
A video from Motherly is showing exactly what it’s like to navigate this precious time that moms both love and drudge through. Because as much as the time is “magical” per the video, it’s so, so hard.
In a nutshell, moms (and toddlers) never stop moving. If it’s not endless toy cleanup and cluster feeding, it’s catching up on sleep and emails or any number of other household chores.
While maternity leave looks different for everyone, there are many similarities moms are navigating together post-pandemic. In their annual State of Motherhood survey, Motherly dug into the landscape of parenting for 2022.
One of the biggest changes in the last several years is that more women are wanting fewer children. The survey reports that 9% of women are less likely to want another child in 2021, compared to 13% for 2020. Sixty-eight percent say they are happy with one child, which is up 20% from 2020.
While 38% of moms share they feel burned out, 55% of stay-at-home moms report they feel this constantly or frequently. But there is good news on the horizon, as the survey pinpoints several ways women feel they could turn their sentiments around.
Forty percent of moms say support would help, with 30% believing that access to more resources would assist them in achieving a better work-life balance. With this in mind, 28% of moms firmly believe it’s time for policies and legislation to change, especially when it comes to paid family leave.
You can read the entire State of Motherhood survey on mother.ly.
Parenting secret: One of the best resources for parenting advice is other parents. Whether you’re a first-time parent, a mom of twins, a father looking to connect with other dads or in search of some neighborhood families to share info with, there’s an NYC parenting group for you. Read on to find your fit. For more ways to connect try these NYC Parenting Facebook groups. For ideas on what to do with your new addition, check out things to do before your baby turns one, and what all new NYC parents need to know.
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A Mother is Born Sometimes the best resource for Parenting 101 can be found by turning to another mother with some serious child-rearing knowledge. A Mother is Born is a business owned by a mother, Meredith Fein Lichtenberg, who also happens to be a registered international board-certified lactation consultant, certified childbirth educator, non-fiction writer, among other talents. The business offers pregnancy and parenting services for New York City moms. The website provides insights, tips, events, and information on classes and groups for pregnant couples, new moms, working moms, and moms seeking lactation advice. Meredith Fein Lichtenberg teaches group and private childbirth classes, prenatal workshops, new mom classes, and offers private consults to smooth the transition for moms going back to work.
Bad Moms of Long Island One of the newer entries to our list, the Bad Moms of Long Island Facebook group was started by LI mom Jesse Curatolo back in September of 2018. It's a strictly no-judgement zone, and venting is encouraged! (If you get on a high horse, you'll be asked to leave.) Sorry dads—this one is just for moms. Talks of in-person meetups for the group are in the works for 2019.
Big City Moms Big City Moms was founded by city moms for city moms, and its biggest event is one no expectant mother or growing family should miss. Biggest Baby Shower Ever, held in NYC (and many other cities, including Atlanta, Chicago, Los Angeles, Miami, and San Francisco) is a jam-packed event that promises and delivers and event filled with gear, info, demonstrations, and more. (Mocktails for all!) Expect to be pampered, receive goodies galore and gain some helpful information about the whole having-and-raising-a-baby thing. Plus, over 100 vendors attend hoping to seduce expecting parents with some of the newest and best baby and parenting products on the market.
Beyond this epic event, other Big City Moms upcoming events include UES New Moms Support Group weekly get together, Infant and Toddler Safety and CPR Class, Nanny Safety Class, and an Expectant Moms Dinner. The website includes a blog that offers tips for parents and those expecting, the hottest trends in the industry, as well as chances to win amazing baby products and more. The company was formed over 12 years ago and while they have accrued over 300,000 members throughout the years, they also acquired some hefty celebrity fans such as Jessica Alba, Christopher Gavigan, Susan Lucci and Kimberly and James Van Der Beek, to name a few.
BoCoCa Parents “BoCoCa” is not a widely used term but it means something for those families immediately south of Downtown Brooklyn. (It’s a blended word combining the names of three adjacent Brooklyn neighborhoods: Boerum Hill, Cobble Hill, and Carroll Gardens. BoCoCa Parents is a restricted Yahoo Group that is a free network for local parents residing in one of these three neighborhoods and boasts almost 11,000 members. The mission of the group is “to establish community and communication amongst Bococa's families and to provide our children with opportunities in which to play, cultivate friendships and establish their roots”. This group is an active and evolving forum for sharing information and advice, making connections, finding and selling items, arranging playdates, and much more.
Bowery Babes Once upon a time, in 2005, a group of women took a prenatal yoga class on Bowery Street, and they just couldn’t quite get enough of each other so they formed a group. Bowery Babes has evolved ever since and has become a large collection of local moms in Lower Manhattan. The group is a NY non-profit that supports women from the time they are expecting through motherhood, and offers endless amounts of opportunities to thrive in a lively and loving community. From playgroups to classes, organized events and book clubs to night outs and daddy brunches, holiday parties and FREE beauty mornings, you can plug right into this group's energy and keep on ticking. If that hasn’t sold you, they also offer discounts and educational lectures on parenting.
The Bronx New Mommies Group Inc. This mommy group was formed by necessity in 2002 when a new mommy by the name of Roxanne Taylor felt a strong need to bond with other moms that shared similar interests and yet she didn’t know how to make such connections happen. Enter, The Bronx New Mommies Group, which grew from a group into a non-profit organization and then a registered charity. This social support group offers a range of support group meetings, activities and special events geared toward fostering a positive and nurturing community for parents and their families. Its website includes a resource directory that lists some key resources such as Walk Safer NYC, Parent Pledge Project, and more. But it doesn’t stop there. Their Sister Group, Dynamic Metro Moms, is geared towards moms with older children from 11 to 13 years old.
Dynamic Metro Moms Sister Group to The Bronx New Mommies Group, this Bronx-based mommy group offers an abundance of weekly social activities, classes and events for moms and their kids throughout the year, as well as special interest clubs including fitness bootcamp, yoga club and more. Upcoming events include an Annual Summer Outing and Mini Spa Party.
Families First Brooklyn Founded by two therapists and parents themselves, Families First is a not-for-profit member based early childhood center located in Cobble Hill. The organization offers parents and caregivers a safe and nurturing place to bring their young children. Among many things, it holds a Moms’ Meet Up every Friday at 11:30 a.m., where you can meet with other moms to talk about a variety topics, express ideas, and share and gather advice in a supportive environment. This meet up does not require membership or a fee to participate.
First Time Upper West Side Moms For just 10 dollars a year, this group will give you a huge Upper West Side slice out of the Big Apple, from midtown to Harlem. First Time Upper West Side Moms can be found on Meetup.com and offers moms and dads literally hundreds of free and/or heavily-discounted events each year. Parents can get discounts on a variety of classes such as music, baby sign, soccer, pilates and yoga, as well as trips to museums and zoos, diverse special events, and an assortment of get togethers at local libraries, Whole Foods, and local cafes and restaurants. Plus: stroller walks for those who want to burn off some extra calories.
HRP Mamas With over 2,000 members, the Hudson River Park Mothers Group serves as a vital and active community for mothers and expectant moms that reside in Lower Manhattan. There are many benefits to this group such as their online social network of verified Lower Manhattan neighborhood moms, weekly playgroups that meet in a comfortable and welcoming place and are facilitated by membership coordinators, educational events arranged through the group, and discounts at local retail stores. But what really stands out as a must for Lower Manhattan moms is this group's New Moms Group Series. Guided by childhood development educators, this weekly get-together for moms and their newborns or infants provides a child-friendly place to share experiences and get support on challenging topics ranging from sleep, development, and establishing routines to issues finding childcare.
Hoboken Family Alliance While there are many niche parent groups in Hoboken, one of the biggest and most active is the Hoboken Family Alliance. The HFA produces several big events throughout the year, including an all-schools open house and "Cabin Fever," a big summer camp open house event. It also sponsors several philanthropic initiatives, such as a school supply drive in the fall and holiday toy drive in December. Events include holiday party in December and a "spring fling" event that includes Hoboken's biggest egg hunt.
API Rainbow Parents API Rainbow Parents provides information and support to Asian-Pacific Islander (API) families with a family member who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT). The group is open to parents, other relatives and family members, and friends, as well as to LGBT people themselves. API Rainbow Parents helps families in the same way as PFLAG NYC’s other regular support groups, but has a special focus on meeting the cultural and language needs of API families. Find them on Facebook here.
Black Family Circle This is a free online meeting that provides a safe space for individuals who identify as Black and who have lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) loved ones. The group provides family-to-family support with a focus on the intersection of acceptance and one’s experience as a member of the Black diaspora. The group meets online on the fourth Sunday of every month from 3:00 to 4:30 p.m. starting Sunday, July 26. Register in advance to receive a link to the Zoom meeting; the link is not posted publicly, so you must register to attend each meeting. To register and to receive more information, click here.
Love Makes a Family PFLAG NYC has now launched a support group for Latino families in collaboration with Oasis Latino LGBTS Wellness Center. “El Amor Hace la Familia - Love Makes a Family” is a group of parents and LGBTQ people that has come together for mutual support. The group meets every second Saturday of the month at 10 a.m. at Oasis Wellness Center. The group uses primarily Spanish, but flexibly uses English and Spanglish too.
The TransFamilies Project (TFP) The TransFamilies Project (TFP) is a support group for parents, relatives and friends of transgender children. No matter when a child disclosed his/her gender identity issues, or what stage of transition he/she is in, the TransFamilies Project is a place to meet understanding friends, share important information, and get (and provide) support. Meetings are currently twice a month online, and will take place in Greenwich Village when in-person meetings resume. For questions about the group, please contact group leader Judy Sennesh through PFLAG NYC at transgender@pflagnyc.org. Please note: If you are going to bring someone with you to a TFP meeting who is younger than high-school age, notify Sennesh prior to the meeting.
Marlene Meyerson JCC Manhattan Located on the Upper West Side, Marlene Meyerson JCC Manhattan's mission is to create “opportunities for people to connect, grow, and learn within an ever-changing Jewish landscape." Among the many types of programs and classes offered by the JCC are those geared to family life including breastfeeding and tummy time for new parents, parenting resources that offer infant CPR classes, a dad's meetup brunch and a bump bash complete with mock-tails for expectant parents. You'll also find prenatal and postnatal fitness classes here, such as innovative and safe yoga and water classes, as well as caregiver programs.
JC Families A great resource for all things parenting in Jersey City, JC Families is a go-to for info on local events, family-friendly businesses and school options for all ages. You'll also find listings for childcare, kids' stuff for sale, and more.
Long Island City Parents Meetup Group Established in 2007, this active Meetup group is more than 1000 parents strong. Members use it to coordinate playdates, parties, readings, workshops, and events, as well as advocate for improved playgrounds, schools, and housing. To join, you must live in the 11101 or 11109 zip codes or neighboring areas of Astoria, Greenpoint, or Sunnyside.
Lower East Side / East Village Parents Lower East Side and East Village parents and parents-to-be are invited to register and visit this online forum that connects local parents and covers a broad range of topics such as sleep, feeding, pediatricians, caregivers and challenges in parenthood. Online: lesparents.com
Katherine Lieber
Manhattan Twins Club As one of the largest multiples communities in the United States, this 25-year-old nonprofit club was founded with the mission to provide support for parents of twins and those expecting multiples. The club offers events throughout the year (many of them free) which address perennial parenting topics, hosts friendly get-togethers such as family picnics and parent socials. A sampling of this years’ past events includes Twiniversity 101 to help parents.
MOMally Astoria Founded by lactation consultant, parent coach, and sleep consultant Andrea Scannell, MOMally Astoria has both an active Facebook group and Meetup calendar. (There's also a general parenting FB group.) Members can request access so they can plan meetups, playdates, etc., and Scannell aims to have mom-hosted, free area events posted daily. She's also hosted experts on New York State family leave policy and District 30 schools. Past events with local parents include holiday parties, crafting events and singalongs.
The Moms Groups Founded by parent and lifestyle coach Renee Sullivan in 2008, this NYC mommy group is one of the most expansive, hosting groups in the Upper East Side, Upper West Side, Union Square, Chelsea, Flatiron, and Midtown in Manhattan, and Carroll Gardens, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn Heights, Williamsburg and Park Slope in Brooklyn. The Moms Groups hold weekly sessions mostly led by either Renee Sullivan or therapists on her team and caters to Expectant Moms, New Moms, Moms of Older Babies, and Second Time Moms.
Motherhood Later than Sooner If you’re 35 or older and you’re a mommy, then you may want to join this group. Motherhood Later than Sooner is a group formed by Robin Gorman Newman, who at the age of 42 became a mom and found it hard to connect to the younger moms. This midlife moms group offers online and face-to-face support for mothers who are 35+ and want to be a part of a community of moms that are raising kids later in life. Benefits of this group include mom group meetings, moms night out dinners, family events, as well as discounts on products and services.
The New Mom Support Group This community-funded group found on Meetup.com offers Queens Moms (and Dads!) with kids 0-3 years of age a place to vent about parenthood safely and without judgement. For nine dollars a month, members can participate in Meetup activities such as play dates, stroller walks, Mommy and me classes and activities for dads. While the title of the group sounds exclusive, stay at home dads, expectant moms, second time moms, and moms with older children are also welcome.
Newport Mommy Another Jersey City group, Newport Mommy is more than 4,300 families strong. Head here for nanny leads and info, local news and events, classifieds, parenting resources, birthday party ideas and more!
NYC Dads Group Finally, a parent group that is just for Dads! There are so many mommy groups that may mention the word “dad” but don’t cater to them. NYC Dads Group is a community started by dads with the simple desire to share similar benefits of being part of a parenthood community as those found in staple mommy groups. The mission of this group has expanded beyond NYC and across the nation, and has become City Dads Group. Meetups include outings, Dads’ Night Out, workshops and special events. Partnering with Boot Camp for New Dads, a nationally-acclaimed 20 year old program for training dads-to-be, this group offers a Boot Camp facilitated by a nationally-certified trainer for expectant fathers and new dads that want to learn baby-raising basics.
New York Single Parents Meetup Group Founded in 2006, this Meetup.com group offers single parents a community to connect with other single parents. With over 2,500 members, this group not only hosts activities for single parents and their kids to meet and make new friends, but also serves as a springboard for special events happening in the city geared toward single parent families. A recent meetup like this was the Microsoft Youthspark Free Weekend Summer Camp for Kids, which offered single parents a free, in-store summer camp for their children.
Parents of NY Teens The Italian proverb “Little children, headache; big children, heartache” may resonate particularly with parents raising kids in the city that doesn’t sleep. But this Yahoo group makes it a heck of a lot easier by offering a place for parents of teens and young adults located in the five boroughs to unite and confront the challenges of raising city kids head on. They actively post on their Facebook page and their blog site to keep parents informed and plugged in.
Park Slope Parents This parenting group originally began in 2002 on Yahoo groups as a way for local parents to connect and exchange ideas on a number of parent-related topics. The membership base grew and grew, which led to the development of a PSP website. The website covers a lot of territory in content and offers expectant parents, new parents and working parents that live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York and the surrounding neighborhoods an extensive amount of local resources, parenting information, tips and advice, and organizes local family events throughout the year. The group is also host to a diverse range of subgroups for parents looking to connect with other members of similar professions, interests and life situations.
SoHo Parenting Located in its namesake neighborhood, SoHo Parenting is a center offering myriad services to new and expecting parents, as well as parents of older children. While many of its services, such as advice on sleep or developmental issues are fee-based, its popular ParenTalk blog offers help on a wide range of parenting topics.
Sunnyside Moms Queens moms in Sunnyside and nearby Woodside gather at this Facebook group and in real life to exchange info about all things parenting in their neck of the woods. It's more than 2,000 members strong, so that a lotta knowledge!
UES Mommas With nearly 28,000 members, this private Facebook group for moms on the Upper East Side is a go-to forum for advice on everything from breastfeeding, local resources and shops to sleep issues, childcare, and preschool. (You can also score second-hand gear like strollers, furniture and more.) Yes, you'll find strong opinions here, and the community is not without drama, but aren't diversity and people with a point of view why we all love NYC?
UES Mommas With nearly 28,000 members, this private Facebook group for moms on the Upper East Side is a go-to forum for advice on everything from breastfeeding, local resources and shops to sleep issues, childcare, and preschool. (You can also score second-hand gear like strollers, furniture and more.) Yes, you'll find strong opinions here, and the community is not without drama, but aren't diversity and people with a point of view why we all love NYC?
Thinking about heading back into the (paid) workforce after having kids or taking some time off? You’re not alone, and you’re not the only one nervous. Turns out, though, nearly half of hiring managers think people with career breaks on their resumes are an untapped talent pool and LinkedIn has made it easier than ever for candidates to present their time off as an asset.
Now you can add details about your career break to your profile, emphasizing how your life experiences during time out of the workforce can apply to prospective jobs. Instead of dodging the conversation, LinkedIn product developer Camilla Han-He suggests approaching it head-on. “Hirers actually want to know more about your career break: 51% say they are more likely to contact a candidate that provides context.”
“We’ve seen so many stories from people who have navigated their career breaks on LinkedIn, raising awareness to this important topic and the value these experiences can bring.” Han-He writes “We’re introducing a new way to represent a career break in the Experience section of your LinkedIn Profile, with options like caregiving and health and well-being.”
You know, just in case you’re not sure how to frame “created multiple tiny humans, kept them alive, taught them how to be functioning members of society and ran the logistical equivalence of a Fortune 100 company for multiple years” on your resume.
A new study has ranked the countries with the best maternity leave and spoiler––the U.S. is not at the top.
Business.org has analyzed data from the OECD Family Database, which includes 37 countries worldwide, to figure out where to get the best perks for maternity leave. The site ranked the highest countries as those having the most number of equivalent weeks of full pay.
photo: Business.org
The top countries were Bulgaria, Greece, Poland, Hungary and Italy which all offered more than 17 weeks of paid maternity leave. Who ranked dead last? If you guessed the United States, you’d be right.
Since the U.S. doesn’t require employers to provide paid maternity leave, the majority do not. Women must either have the luck to find a job that offers it as benefit, or take personal leave hours. Sure, the FMLA act does provide for 12 weeks of unpaid leave, which protects a women’s job, but it does not come with any compensation.
Here’s to hoping that the future looks a whole lot brighter for family leave in America.
New parents with little support and on the clock counting down the days of family leave, become rightfully obsessed with Sleeping Through the Night. Because there are so many options and books and opinions, figuring out how to best help your baby sleep long stretches uninterrupted can be overwhelming. When your pediatrician agrees that baby is physically and developmentally able to sleep at least 6 hours without feeding and you feel that sleep training is right for your family here is a gentle way to help baby sleep through the night:
1. Encourage daytime feeding: Once baby is about 12 weeks old and we have the pediatrician’s okay, we can very slowly encourage more daytime intake by increasing bottle amounts by 1/4 ounce or increasing time spent at the breast for another minute or 2. This process will be helped at the same time by…
2. Gradually decreasing overnight feeding: When baby wakes overnight, try to decrease the usual amount of milk/ formula given. For breastfeeding moms, do your best to take baby off the breast 1 minute or 2 sooner than is typical. For bottle feeding parents, give baby 1/4 of an ounce less than s/he usually takes. You can try to give baby a pacifier at the end of the feeding session if baby still needs to suck to be soothed. This process should not be forced and should come with your pediatrician’s blessing but it’s important to note that we’re not taking away baby’s overnight calories, we’re just “repositioning” them to be consumed during the day. This gentle overnight weaning process can take 2-4 weeks.
3. Instill a Dreamfeed: A dreamfeed is just a small 2-3 ounce feed usually given around 10pm given while baby is asleep. Rather than feeding baby at 1am or 2am when she naturally wakes from hunger we are heading off this hunger by feeding earlier in the night so baby’s long stretch of sleep occurs when parents are asleep too. It may sound funny that you shouldn’t wake baby to dreamfeed but by simply holding breast/bottle to baby’s lips, s/he’ll instinctually take in what’s needed. Because baby is calm there’s no need to burp at this time, but a quick diaper change can be done.
When this gradual weaning is finished, the hope is that there won’t be a need for a formal sleep training method but if you do choose one, remember that consistency and knowing that your baby is healthy and ready to sleep through the night is the key to success. There are many, many good answers to the questions of feeding and sleep. For families who chose sleep training however, a gentle and gradual change from night to day only feeding might be the most simple plan.
Photo: pixabay
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With twin girls and a boy born 17 months apart, I'm the owner of the world's most ironically named business, Let Mommy Sleep. Let Mommy Sleep provides nurturing postpartum care to newborns and evidence based education to parents by Registered Nurses and Newborn Care Providers.
I was seven months pregnant with my first daughter when an acquaintance asked me about my plans for maternity leave. I was lucky, I told her. My employer provided eighteen weeks of paid leave. During my leave, I figured I could stay on top of what was happening at work while the baby slept, answering emails and hopping on to e-meetings. “I’ll probably be ready to go back pretty quickly,” I told her. “I’m not sure how I’ll handle the slower pace of staying at home with a newborn.”
Up until that point, I had managed to spin every plate life brought me. I had been leaning hard into my career, juggling multiple high-stakes projects with a bustling personal life. I had a couple of degrees, a successful job, and so far, a lot of unrealistic expectations about motherhood. Like many parents, I thought I knew a whole lot about having a child before I even had one. I thought I could do it all.
And then my baby came.
The joy that came with holding my little one for the first time soon morphed into something I’d never experienced before: a type of whole-body, whole-brain exhaustion that rendered me pretty much useless at anything besides keeping my baby alive. As predicted, I did have a good portion of my days free while my baby slept. But I was hardly functional during those hours because my daughter was up all night. In the first few months of my daughter’s life, I was so woozy I could hardly hold a conversation with my husband— let alone my manager or a colleague.
And then there was breastfeeding. I was determined to make it work because I knew about the health benefits for me and the baby. But I can count at least half a dozen times I almost threw in the towel. I spent night after night awake with my screaming infant trying to feed, wondering when I’d start to feel normal again—when I’d begin to feel at home in my body, when I’d get a full night’s sleep, and when the edge of anxiety constantly grating on me would finally dissipate.
I thought back to my passing comment about maternity leave. Even three solid months into motherhood, I wasn’t near ready to go back to work. I was stressed all the time, my daughter was still struggling to feed, and if you asked me about self-care, I would have stared at you blankly. I remember trying to come up with a way to pamper myself and remember I was a person, too. All I could come up with was thirty seconds of flossing my teeth, but it felt glorious. In other words: I was stretched close to my breaking point. Having to worry about finances or get myself together to go to work after being awake all night would have done me in.
Even so, I was among the small percentage of parents who actually have access to paid leave. Parents without that same privilege would be forced to choose between their baby’s health and their own well-being and a third variable: either working or taking time off without pay.
Once I had the luxury of sleeping through the night again (it took a good year), I realized parental leave isn’t just a nice add-on to a benefits package. It’s an essential, a human right. Our mental and physical health hinges on it. Motivated by my experience, I started advocating for better-paid leave policies and coaching friends to approach their managers about improving benefits. I joined the board of an organization that advocates for paid medical and family leave for all Americans. And just last year, I went all in. I quit my job and started a platform dedicated to educating parents on how to make choices for their family’s well-being called Exhale Parent. Exhale’s central content is a trove of information about understanding and navigating through parental leave, which I personally knew to be incredibly confusing. Because of my time in the trenches of early motherhood, I want to help other parents earn the rights they deserve.
Looking back, there are some things I’d do differently with my first baby. Had I known the struggle that was ahead—and how essential parental leave is for a family’s well-being—I would have recalibrated my expectations for my leave. And when my friend asked me about my plans for maternity leave, I would have skipped the self-serving answer. Instead, I would have told her I was going to soak in every minute of time with my baby, because even the longest, most exhausting days pass by too fast.
Founder & CEO of Exhale Parent and Diapertainment, Board Member, and former Private Equity executive; graduate of Yale and Harvard Business School; Mom of 3 littles.
Paid family leave just got a huge boost in Finland thanks to women. The coalition government, which is made up of five women-led parties, just passed a new policy which gives equal paid leave to both parents––for seven months each!
Just this week Prime Minister Sanna Marin announced the new policy that allows a total of 14 months paid leave, where each parent can take up to seven months. The policy also allows for an extra month of pregnancy allowance before the parental leave officially starts.
Finland is expected to institute the new policy as early as the fall of 2021. Designed to be gender neutral, it will replace the current program which only allows for four months paid leave to mothers and two months for fathers.
Additionally, parents can transfer up to 69 days of their own leave to the other parent, while a single parent has the ability to use the same allowance as a two-parent household.
With the United States currently being the only country of 31 studied by UNICEF who doesn’t provide a national paid leave for parents, hopefully the new changes in Finland become the new example for which the U.S. can follow suit.
Every fall the kids go back to school but what about when it’s Mom’s turn to go back to school? Going back to school after you’ve been doing the important work of being a mom can be intimidating. You might feel like you’re totally out of the loop or that you’ll struggle to fit in.
The good news is that going back to school, while scary, can be very rewarding and valuable. A lot of the process will involve figuring things out as you go, but there are a few tips that can help you prepare for success. Keep these 10 things in mind as you get ready for your first day back in the classroom.
1. Use the University’s Resources for Mothers as Much as Possible
Universities understand that moms going back to school have unique challenges. Many schools have resources and groups to help mothers succeed and manage their coursework. In most cases, you’ll have to seek out information especially for mothers. The best way to find out what resources are available at your university is to ask! Your advisor can help you find the help you need to feel supported.
2. Be Patient With Yourself—You Don’t Need a Full Schedule Right Away
It can be very tempting to just get through your program as quickly as possible so you can get back into the workforce. However, it can be a mistake to take on a full course load right away.
Try easing into it. Start with one or two courses and work your way up if you find that you’re managing things with ease. You can even choose an online program if that’s more manageable for your schedule.
Be realistic and don’t feel bad if you can’t take a full load of classes. It’s better to do well in a few classes than to barely pass a lot at once. Be patient with yourself.
3. Ensure Your Kids Understand the Life Change You’re Making
Your kids, especially if they are younger, may have difficulty understanding the changes in their lives that your going back to school will bring. That’s why it’s important to be open with them, to reassure them, and to explain exactly why you’re taking this step. Getting them on board and helping them to understand why it’s important for you to go back to school will make the transition easier.
4. Identify Why You’re Going Back
There are going to be some moments during your educational journey when you feel like giving up. That’s normal!
To help prepare for these inevitable speed bumps, you should identify exactly why going back to school is important to you. For many women, it’s the ability to provide for their families. Just 14% of workers in the U.S receive family leave benefits, and many women have to go back to work almost immediately after giving birth. If you want a better future for your family, use that as your motivation during the hard times.
5. See If You Have Any Available Credits to Transfer Over
If you attended college in the past, you may not have even considered that your credits could transfer over. While each school has different requirements, it’s always worth checking to see if some of the work you’ve done in the past could give you a leg up and help you as you head back to school. You’ll save money, time, and you won’t have to re-learn information you already know.
6. Consider Scholarships Exclusive for Moms
Did you know there are grants and scholarships out there just for moms going back to school? If you need financial help to go back to school, it’s definitely worth spending some time applying for scholarships designed for returning students with kids.
7. Establish a Schedule…and Stick to It
Juggling childcare, school, and for some moms, work, can be difficult. The best way to manage your time is to establish a schedule from the very beginning and stick to it. Getting behind can make you feel overwhelmed, so it’s important to be realistic about how long everything will take.
8. Don’t Forget to Budget
Going back to school is expensive—and so is caring for children. As a mom returning to school, you’ll need to budget and plan for expenses that may come up during your program. Books, fees, and other expenses can really add up, so make sure you add them to your budget. By making a budget, you can minimize your debt load and make your life easier when you graduate.
9. Connect with Your Advisor
It’s important to ask for help when you need it, so start building those crucial support relationships as soon as you head back to campus. Connect with your advisor right away. You’ll get access to school resources and start building trust that could help you later on.
10. Don’t Forget to Enjoy the Experience
While it’s easy to remember all the challenges you’ll face when you go back to school, it can be harder to focus on the positives. Try to enjoy the experience. Make new friends, get into what you’re learning, and remember that this will all be worth it in the end.
Sarah Daren has been a consultant for startups in industries including health and wellness, wearable technology, and education. She implements her health knowledge into every aspect of her life, including her position as a yoga instructor and raising her children. Sarah enjoys watching baseball and reading on the beach.
