Fatherhood is an evolving role. The traditional role of the dad going off to work while mom stays home taking care of the kids has become less the standard today. Far more typical, is having both parents going off to work. So, it is not enough for dads to just bring home a paycheck, with mom doing that too. Dads need be more engaged and play an active role in their children’s development. This change has to do predominantly with a shift in our societal and cultural expectations of what a father’s role should be, as well as a desire from dads to have more involvement with the family.
When dad becomes an increasingly engaged and active partner, it benefits both moms and the children.
1. Sharing the Workload
Probably one of the most significant and welcome changes for moms is having someone else who can step in to lend a hand with some of the less pleasurable aspects of parenting. The day-to-day drudgery of picking up after the kids, changing diapers, doing laundry, cleaning the house, doing dishes, bathing the baby, getting up in the middle of the night for feedings, making dinner—I’m getting tired just listing them. Clearly, it’s just a little bit easier when there are two people sharing the chores. Maybe even mom can even get a chance to catch a few more Z’s or imagine this: do something nice for herself.
2. Understanding What It Takes
As dads help out more, or even take over the role of primary caregiver, there is a real understanding of how much work it really is. For the longest time, I believe most men have been blissfully ignorant, knowingly or not, of how much work and how exhausting it is taking care of the kids. Honestly, I had no idea how painfully tiring and mind numbing it could be until I had my own kids, and I became the primary caregiver. I had a corporate job most of my life and nothing compares to the work of caring for kids! It is not a nine to six workday—it never seems to end. I tell people that as a new parent I experienced a new level of exhaustion—one that is both physical and mental. So, all to say that it’s a good thing for dads to understand what moms have doing for decades—working their butts off.
3. Well Rounded Development
Studies have shown a correlation between dads’ involvement with their children and those children developing more resilience, higher self-worth, and increased sociability, confidence, and self-control. There is also a benefit of having two parents involved with the kids, as they see different opinions and personalities and how they can work together. Having parents with varied strengths, weaknesses, and points of view helps children grow up to be more well-rounded.
4. Expand Definition of Masculinity
Another positive to having a well-balanced role for dads is in its ability to show children a broader spectrum of male masculinity. A real man can do housework, comfort his kids, and even show affection to his children by hugging and kissing them. This also helps children to learn what a healthy relationship looks like, so when they grow up they will have the right expectation of what a well-balanced, strong, independent man looks and acts like.
5. Education
There is evidence of babies with higher IQs, improved language ability, and communication skills when dads are actively involved in caring for and playing with their babies. This academic boost continues for children as dad stays involved in their early school education, resulting in improved academic achievements.
Although there is still a lot of progress to be made, things are moving in a direction that is good for everyone.
—Stephen Gross is an award-winning designer who has received numerous honors for his work in advertising, branding, and retail. He is author of The Simplest Baby Book in the World. He lives with his husband, Vincent, in Los Angeles with their two adorable children, who are now ages two and three.
Stephen Gross is an award-winning designer who has received numerous honors for his work in advertising, branding, and retail. He is author of The Simplest Baby Book in the World. He lives with his husband, Vincent, in Los Angeles with their two adorable children, who are now ages two and three.
He has the perfect last name as the fastest man alive. And Usain Bolt and partner Kasi Bennett have definitely capitalized on that when naming their children. In a sweet post over Father’s Day weekend, the track and field great announced new additions to the family: twins Thunder and Saint Leo.
Thunder Bolt and Saint Leo Bolt join sister, aptly named Olympia Lightning Bolt, who was born last May. Bennett added her own post featuring the whole family, adding the caption: “Happy Father’s Day to my forever love! You are the rock of this family and the greatest daddy to our little ones. We love you world without end!”
The Bolt babies came just in time for the upcoming Summer Olympics. It will be their dad’s first time in the stands after he retired from racing in 2017. During his career Bolt racked up eight gold medals and 11 world championships. It looks like he’s excelling at fatherhood, too!
—Sarah Shebek
Featured image courtesy of Salty View / Shutterstock.com
To kick off Pride month, former NSYNC member Lance Bass and his husband Michael Turchin had a special announcement to make! They’re expecting boy-girl twins in November with the help of a surrogate. Since the duo is due around Halloween, Bass and Turchin created a humorous horror-inspired video to share the exciting news.
In an interview with People magazine, the dads-to-be revealed they’d been talking about starting a family since they met—and they’ve been together for 10 years. They also said they’d hoped to have two kids and since Turchin is also boy-girl twin, the result is meant to be! The couple shared the reveal video simultaneously on Instagram today, after Bass posted to TikTok early in the afternoon.
After Bass skyrocketed to fame as a member of one of the planet’s most popular boy bands, he revealed he was gay in 2006 and subsequently awarded the Human Rights Campaign Visibility Award. He began dating Turchin, an artist, in 2011 and they married in December 2014. Turchin also shared a throwback magazine cover with one of the couple’s wedding shots to his Instagram today, writing “Happy #pridemonth everyone! Don’t let anyone diminish your worth and let that love & light shine bright.”
No question the twins will add plenty of love and light to the lives of Bass and Turchin. Congratulations to the happy couple as they embark on the journey of fatherhood!
Podcasts are hands-free entertainment you can listen to while doing almost anything, or, in the case of a tired mama, while doing absolutely nothing. If you’re looking for the best pregnancy podcast, health and parenting advice or smart talk from people who get it, subscribe to these. And the next time you’re driving, folding laundry or grocery shopping, pop in those earbuds or slip on some headphones and listen up!
1. Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled Hosted by parenting advisor, best-selling author and consultant Janet Lansbury, this thoughtful podcast tackles parenting issues through the lens a respectful parenting philosophy. Respect, trust and love are the focus as she addresses questions sent in by parents.
2. The Mommy Labor Nurse Podcast You’ll head into pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood more prepared and informed thanks to this podcast. Run by a labor and delivery nurse who’s also a mom of two, the podcast features her tackling pregnancy-related topics and interviewing experts on all sorts of mom-related topics. Tune in also for amazing birth stories.
3. The Suga Podcast Billed as a brown mama’s guide to the sweet life, this podcast is hosted by actress and producer Tika Sumpter and Thai Randolph, EVP and general manager of the Laugh Out Loud network. Equal parts sisterhood and motherhood, the podcast tackles everything from fertility issues and mental health to owning your voice and spiritual growth.
4. Pregnancy Pukeology Podcast Dr. PukeNoMo candidly discusses all those burning, nauseating and uncomfortable pregnancy questions. She offers up information about the science of pregnancy and natural remedies for alleviating pregnancy symptoms. Most episodes are well under 30 minutes, so they’re the perfect digestible bite.
5. The Birth Hour Women share their empowering, informative birth stories in The Birth Hour. Each episode is one mom’s birth story, with all the touching and funny details. Whether a hospital or home birth, a long labor or a short one, these first-hand accounts reveal the wonder of childbirth.
6. Baby in the House A pediatrician and a pediatric psychotherapist, Phil Boucher, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, cohost this informative podcast that tackles all the tough questions about babies and parenting, from discipline and screen time to to potty training and sleep. With eight kids between them, these hosts know what they’re talking about.
7. Mum Talk Lifestyle blogger and yoga teacher Emma Jaulin hosts this charming podcast. She chats with guests and experts about pregnancy and parenting, as well as sharing her personal journey from being pregnant to her life as a new mom.
8. Babes & Babies If you like your parenting podcast with a taste of celebrity, this one is for you. Hosted by two moms and a doula—who also happen to be Bachelor stars Jade Roper, Carly Waddell and Elizabeth Sandoz—this podcast keeps it real with a touch of humor. The hosts dish with each other and their guests about pregnancy, motherhood and being a woman.
9. First Class Fatherhood Let’s not forget about the dads! Father of four Alec Lace seeks to set the record straight about modern fatherhood. Interviews with high-profile dads, from NFL players to actors to Navy SEALS, give an inside look at the role of fathers and the impact they have on their children.
10. Scummy Mummies For those who want to laugh out loud, check out the award-winning and wildly popular Scummy Mommies podcast. It is hosted by comedians Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorn. The funny ladies and their guests discuss pregnancy and parenting with a wicked sense of humor.
11. Parenting Great Kids Dr. Meg Meeker is a pediatrician, author and speaker with 30 years of experience. She knows that happy and healthy parents make for better ones. Parenting is hard and she’s here to answer your questions, offer advice and talk to experts with the goal of empowering parents.
12. Parenting Bytes With the rise of the Internet and social media, the digital landscape has changed so much since today’s parents were kids. Parenting Bytes confronts the unique challenges that come with parenting in the digital age, covering topics like screen time, digital safety and the latest technology to help raise your children.
13. Zen Parenting Radio Married couple Cathy and Todd Adams are self-help advocates and parents of three daughters. Her emotional approach and his analytical one offer the perfect balance to guide parents to reach a higher level of self-understanding. They mix in pop culture, humor and knowledgeable guests for relatable content.
Perfect for Father’s Day (not to mention a baby shower or to announce your new arrival to the dad-to-be), this new dad survival kit is both fun and functional. A first-time dad kit will help him settle into his parenting role and get him excited about all the good times to come. Read on for how to create one for your man.
Keep Him Organized If sleep deprivation has your man losing his glasses, this plant holder has a nose and ears to keep his frames at the ready for late-night feedings or early-morning walks. Use a marker to personalize it or leave him notes about what an awesome dad he is.
Gear Up for Outings For the dude who travels light or doesn’t want to share a diaper bag, the Dad Hoodie (shown above) keeps your man looking cool while packing all the essentials he and your baby need. This soft hoodie sports mesh pockets that hold diapers, bottles, snacks and more without weighing down dad or making him look too bulky. Comes in four colors (heather gray, navy, charcoal and black) and five sizes (small-XX large); also comes as a vest in black ($78).
Make Him Mr. Fix It A Swiss army knife will keep him ready for any occasion or issue that comes up, from filing baby's sharp nails to cutting tags off new clothes.
Stock Up on the Basics… Get Dad prepped for diaper-changing duty with a portable changing pad, diaper cream and his own stash of wipes and diapers. Look for a pad in neutral colors he’ll feel comfortable wearing, like the parent-favorite Pronto Signature Changing Station from Skip Hop.
And Then Make Him Laugh Keep Daddy laughing through the biggest diaper blowouts with a few humorous (and inexpensive) accessories, like rubber gloves, a surgical mask, tongs and a drop sheet.
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Show Him Love Pick a onesie with a cute father-related saying splashed across the front, or buy a pint-size jersey from his favorite sports team. Baby and Daddy can have some quality time bonding during the games.
Silence Is Golden Every new parent needs the occasional break. A pair of soundproof headphones will allow the new dad to tune it all out for a bit to recharge.
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Read Between the Lines Foster some daddy & baby bonding time by buying picture books and board books with him in mind. Kisses for Daddy by Frances Watts and David Legge, Daddy Hugs by Karen Katz and I Love My Daddy Because… by Laurel Porter-Gaylord are a few titles sure to become favorites for both of them.
Chocolate Treat Add your favorite chocolate bar to your daddy survival kit with a label reading: “In case of emergency, give to Mommy.” You’ll get a laugh from your man and a good snack when you need it!
Smell the Coffee Stock your daddy survival kit with his favorite caffeinated beverage or gift cards to his regular coffee shop where he can grab a cup to refuel.
A Bite to Eat A man can’t live on caffeine alone, so be sure to include a nice selection of snacks. Make it salty or sweet, or some of each, for those times when he’s too wiped to whip up a meal. Snacks will keep him fueled up for helping out with all those middle-of-the-night feedings.
And Speaking of Beverages… Buy him a mug that says “Number 1 Dad” or “Super Dad” or do good with the stylish Welly Bottle (shown above). The company donates a portion of profits to bringing clean water to those in need. This sleek bottle comes with a removable infuser for brewing tea or infusing fruit into his water. It keeps drinks cold for 24 hours or hot for 14 hours.
Wrap It Up Wrap up your gifts in the Dad Hoodie shown above, a sturdy plastic bucket or a laundry basket, all containers he’ll be able to use in his adventures in fatherhood.
Someone’s cutting onions! Kevin Hart’s newest movie finds him as widowed new dad navigating life with a baby girl. Based on a true story, Fatherhood is fittingly set to premiere over Father’s Day weekend, June 18 on Netflix.
The official trailer dropped this week and Hart took to Instagram today to express his excitement about the film. “Can’t wait for y’all to see how special this one is. You guys are going to love it!!!!” he wrote, accompanied by a short movie clip.
President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama’s production company, Higher Ground Productions, will present the film along with Netflix and Sony. Fatherhood is directed by Paul Weitz (About a Boy) and also stars Academy Award nominee Alfre Woodard and Emmy Award nominee Anthony Carrigan. It’s based on the book Two Kisses From Maddie: A Story of Loss and Love by Matthew Logelin.
Dads are special and this Father’s Day weekend you can bond together over the beauty and pain of Fatherhood. Save the date and add this one to your Netflix queue!
—Sarah Shebek
Featured image courtesy of DFree / Shutterstock.com
A recent survey of more than 1,000 Americans found that 40 percent of hopefully soon-to-be parents believe more resources or support would have helped them in their fertility struggles.
The survey, which was collected by OnePoll for Clearblue’s #Conceivinghood campaign, also found that 15 percent of TTC parents say their journey to a baby, “has been a struggle.” Of the parents polled, 32 percent also believe the struggle to conceive is too awkward to talk about—with 10 percent admitting they hadn’t told anyone about their fertility issues.
Dr. Fiona Clancy, R&D Senior Director, Swiss Precision Diagnostics, said in a press release, “Society always talks about motherhood, fatherhood and parenthood, but there’s a blind spot when it comes to discussing that delicate stage of trying for a baby.”
Along with the survey responses, OnePoll also asked the TTC parents about their individual perspectives on fertility and the road to parenthood. One participant said, “It takes time, especially for non-traditional families. It feels like you are alone in a world of people who have it easy and complain about problems when they don’t understand how easy they have it. But hold on because there are others of us out there.”
Movember recently debuted the Family Man platform—and it’s the parenting resource dad didn’t even know he needed.
According to Movember, 51 percent of men say they’re not aware of fatherhood-specific resources. Here’s where Family Man comes in: the new platform is devoted to dads and everything they’ll experience with their littles.
The platform features animated choose-your-own-adventure style episodes that let dad work his way through common situations they may encounter with their kiddos. The three episodes all feature a dad as the main character, giving fathers everywhere the chance to see what fathers experience and the challenges they may face.
As the Family Man dad makes his way through each challenge, the IRL dad platform-user can respond in their own way. The program responds to the user’s choices, gives feedback, and helps dad learn how he can take what he learns on Family Man and put it to work in real life.
Family Man provides dads with evidence-based strategies that work for real families—and not just theoretical child development or parenting ideas. The tools dad is given through the site are designed to work for children of all ages (especially those between ages two and eight) and kids of differing abilities or with different needs.
Dads everywhere can access the new platform at the Family Man website.
Mike Tyson famously said, “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” Clearly, he was talking about parenthood. Well, maybe not when he said it . . . but it applies nonetheless. Trust me.
If you are reading this, then, in all likelihood, you are a parent or expecting to be one at some point in the future and have already had your plan crumble to pieces, or you are delusional and think that you can defy the odds and that your plan will be the one that doesn’t fail. Can’t you hear the sound of naivety when the soon-to-be-dad (or mom) says, “When I have a kid” or “my child will never . . . ”?
I had a plan. Well, I didn’t. Not at first. I’ll explain . . . On a sunny Sunday afternoon, while shopping for a brand-new Jeep, my girlfriend at the time (now my wife, Lacey) turned to me and said, “We need to go home.”
We had been at the dealership for less than an hour when Lace said this. Meanwhile, I had mentally prepared myself to be there for at least the next three hours, negotiating with the salesman while he went back to talk to his boss every fifteen minutes as I threatened to walk out. I explained to her that we couldn’t leave, not just yet, and that this (buying a new car) is a process, which may take a while.
She graciously waited for me to finish my rant on the car buying experience then explained to me that she hadn’t gotten her “monthly visit,” felt ill, and needed to get a pregnancy test. Needless to say, we left the Jeep dealership . . . immediately.
We didn’t need to ask, “How did this happen?” We both knew the night the puck slipped past the goalie (that’s a whole separate column, which involves my Down Syndrome brother, Adam, calling me a “p*ssy” for not drinking).
So, after leaving the dealership, we stopped at Rite Aid and grabbed a pregnancy test. Five minutes later, she was peeing on a stick and, three minutes after that, we were questioning whether we saw a blue line or not. Not ten minutes had passed before I was driving to CVS to get another pregnancy test because the one we had bought at Rite Aid had not given us a clear enough answer (sidebar: There was definitely a blue line there; we just couldn’t face reality) and I was far too embarrassed to go back into the same Rite Aid and get another, different pregnancy test.
I made it home, she peed, and our fate was sealed; the word “PREGNANT” on the stick was not at all ambiguous this time. We were having a baby.
And so, the planning began. Our son was going to be the heir apparent to Tom Brady, starting quarterback for the New England Patriots, when he retires in 2035. No, better, he was going to be President of the United States—probably the youngest one ever after he graduated from Harvard Law School at the age of 18.
Being an avid Jordan enthusiast, I bought him five pairs of baby Jordans that evening while enjoying some wine to celebrate. Lacey, on the other hand, stared at me steely-eyed while she researched doctors, begrudging that she would be unable to enjoy wine and other stuff she loved for the next nine-plus months.
We met with our doctor a few weeks later and he delivered the first blow: “You’re having a girl.” I was speechless. While the thought of having a little girl had crossed my mind, it was not part of the plan . . . Ugh, the plan . . . My plan . . . was ruined.
Now, instead of playing one-on-one in the driveway while talking about his numerous girlfriends with the triumphant son I had envisioned, I would be sitting with my back against my daughter’s bedroom door pleading with her to open it because “boys are dumb” and “Jake is an a**hole” while secretly being stressed to the max about Jake trying to make my daughter a notch in his belt. Even more, I wasn’t prepared for the all the pink, princess dresses, and having my daughter not speak to me for her teenage years, which I was told comes with having a girl.
When I voiced my concerns about not knowing about how to raise a daughter (not that I had any experience raising a boy or any child for that matter), I was walked off the proverbial ledge by our doctor (he had two daughters of his own) and Lacey. They both emphasized that I would figure it out and everything would be just fine. They were much more helpful than my own father who told me, “Maybe she’ll be a lesbian like your sister and there will be nothing to worry about.” That was comforting.
Even after my initial plan went down in a first round K.O., I didn’t stop planning. In the months that followed, Lacey and I planned and plotted . . . every . . . single . . . detail . . .
We decided on our daughter’s name: “Harper Autumn;” we planned the design of her bedroom: All owl everything; and we planned for the night Harper would be born: April 29, 2014. Not living near either of our families, both our families had to book flights to LA around the time Harper was due; we coordinated and planned this, too.
Well, April 29 came and went and all we had to show for it was an all owl everything bedroom for a baby who would later be named “Harper Autumn.” Harper was late. Eight days late, to be exact. And, Lacey had to be induced, which was not part of our plan.
No biggie—a few more jabs to the jaw . . . Then, the left hook.
On May 7, we went to Cedars Sinai Hospital for Lacey to be induced. We were told that Lacey would be given Pitocin, which would induce labor, and that we would have our daughter by noon. Perfect. Well, Lacey took the Pitocin, received an epidural, and was a champ . . . about the whole thirteen-hour process. Yup, thirteen hours.
Sidebar: Women are seriously amazing. No way would I have been able to lie there thirteen hours being poked and prodded all day by a plethora of nurses and doctors.
My part in the labor was relatively easy: I lay down on the couch in the room, did some light studying for school, and later watched the NBA Playoffs (which may or may not have remained on in the background while I filmed the birth of our daughter). I also provided all the emotional support Lacey needed and made numerous cafeteria runs whenever prompted to do so.
Then, the moment came. At 8:11PM Harper arrived. It was amazing. I couldn’t remember a single part of any plan we had made. She was perfect: I no longer cared that my first child wasn’t a boy; I didn’t care that she was eight days late; and I no longer cared about anything that didn’t matter . . . As cliché as it sounds, I just wanted her to be healthy. I counted her fingers and toes: ten of each. We were all set. Life was good.
Where’s this left hook you ask?
After we each got to hold our daughter, do skin-to-skin, and snap some photos, the nurses took Harper to bathe her and run some tests. They encouraged us to get some rest, which Lacey needed more than I did, clearly. I figured I would quickly go home and check on our dogs (we lived less than a mile away from the hospital) while Lacey got some sleep.
About twenty minutes later I got a panicked phone call from Lace: “They haven’t brought her back!” I tried to calm her down and told her everything was fine and that I was headed back. When I got to the hospital about ten minutes later, I was met by Lacey in the hallway, pulling her IV. Mind you, this woman had given birth less than two hours ago and had ZERO business being out of bed.
“SHE’S NOT BACK YET!” she exclaimed as she saw me. “No one is telling me anything.” I tried not to panic.
We were then brought to the Nursery, where Harper was. But she wasn’t like all the other newborns in there. Harper had tubes everywhere and an astronaut-like helmet on pumping oxygen for her to breathe. Yep, this kid was not breathing right. That was not part of the plan.
We were informed that Harper would have to be admitted to the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) and that only one of us would be allowed to be with her up there overnight. I lost that battle to my wife. This was the left hook.
My parents lost a child (full-term stillbirth) when I was four years old, and I couldn’t shake that thought. Were we going to lose Harper? Would we try to have another child? How would this affect our relationship? None of this was part of the plan.
For the next twenty-three hours, we were surrounded by other families that had their plans interrupted. No one ever says, “Yeah, when we have our first child we plan on spending hours or days in the NICU not making eye contact with the other parents in there because we secretly hope our situation is not as bad as theirs and don’t want to get too familiar.”
I’m not going to lie, that left hook made our knees buckle. We were dazed . . . but we never fell. Instead, we took photos and comforted one another. We said we would figure this all out and get through it. And we did.
Twenty hours after being admitted to the NICU, Harper began breathing regularly. It turned out that being eight days late had made her lazy; she expected Lacey to do everything for her on the outside, too. Too bad that’s not how it works, kiddo. Yeah, my kid was an a**hole (I can call her that; she’s my kid). After all, she is her father’s daughter.
They released her from the NICU a few hours later. We spent twenty-three hours in total in the NICU, scared every minute that we were going to lose our daughter or that she would have brain damage from not breathing and that we would have to get her special help . . . none of which was ever part of the plan or ever actually happened.
Harper is three years old now, and the punches haven’t stopped being thrown, but we’re getting better about dodging them. That’s parenthood: Dodging punches.
Am I saying, “Don’t plan anything”? No, that’s idiotic. However, as a parent you need to be flexible because, well, stuff it going to happen.
Your daughter may hug you as you leave for work and get toothpaste on your suit; your kid may poo up his or her back and all over your brand-new carpet; and you may find yourself getting used to the taste of pee that erupts out of your son’s diaper every time you change him because he gets excited when YOU change him. This is parenthood.
Everyone experiences similar things and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. “Everything went as planned,” said no one, ever, when discussing having and raising kids. So, if your plan gets altered, don’t worry: It happens to us all. Rolling with the punches builds character and makes for a really good story every now and then.
But, remember this . . . if you’re going to make a plan, don’t forget to keep a mouth-guard handy. See, I told you Mike Tyson was talking about parenthood.
Your Friend and My Favorite,
Stephen
_____________
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Fathes are not back-up, the help, or the assistant.
In fact, they aren’t adjuncts in any shape or fashion. They are tenured parents with full-time roles and responsibilities, other duties as assigned, and no union rights available. Fathers are parents, not babysitters. And yet I often hear them referred to in these auxiliary roles, as if they are dangling onto a family unit by a mere thread. Sometimes they even jokingly refer to themselves this way: “I’m on dad duty tonight.” I know, I know, it’s sometimes said out of love. But words matter and get stuck deep down in our subconscious and have an impact. “Duty” implies that it’s some sort of unwanted gig and “tonight” sounds like a temporary, obtrusive and interim hang-up. Why?
I know some women feel that the grunt of the housework and child-rearing falls on them as the primary caretaker, and their significant others naturally kind of settle into these sub-roles where they are playing an outfielder position…only jumping in when a random ball rolls their way. In fact, I hear many of my girlfriends complain about the sheer exhaustion and burden of carrying the family on her shoulders.
Are fathers on the clock?
What is it with these circumstantial parental phrases that we commonly use? Like, how the word “watch” is to denote a temporary sit-chee-ation. No, fathers do not watch their own kids. Fathers and mothers must both drop this “temporary help” mentality and bring fathers to the forefront of parenthood to stand side-by-side as equals. It matters.
Words matter. Roles influence how we see each other, and our children are watching. Fathers should not willingly accept these labels, or allow this “substitute-parenting” phenomena to define their role in a family. We have to break down this narrative, kick this sucker to the curb, and #NormalizeFatherhood.
Why does it seem “weird” when fathers take on a primary role?
Just recently, a dad’s post went viral when he tackled the misconception that fathers are powerless in a mother’s absence. He denounced the assumption that he was completely handicapped and totally incapable of caring for their 6 children while mother, Jessica Martin-Weber, was away on business.
And then I thought to myself, the real news is that this story went viral. It made headlines because the narrative states that he is an anomaly. An exception to the rule. Perhaps, a rebel of some sort. But, there are so many fathers that do in fact subscribe to this primary parental role and it’s great that he is telling their story. Why? Because I’m convinced more fathers are actually doing this than not and it’s time to bring them all into the conversation.
Two primary caretakers in a household is actually common.
I’m here to tell you, some of us are blessed to witness this every day. I come from a household where we are both primary caretakers. Yes, our different strengths and interests manifest in how we divide stuff up. But when I say we are both in the trenches in this thang, I mean it and we both have the gray hairs to prove it!
I think about all the fathers I know who are giving their 100% and assuming a full-time role. It’s not weird, it’s not strange. It’s pretty common and I can point many of them out for you. I would be way over my word-count if I listed them all here, so I won’t…but I digress. Let me start wrapping this thing up.
Dads may get things “wrong” sometimes…and that’s OKAY!
Sometimes it’s our fault fathers are demoted to babysitters. We’ve got to stop beating dads up. Are you guilty of “my way or the highway?” Many of us moms build fathers up to knock them right back on down. We plead with them to step up and take on more responsibilities, but then we are guilty of nagging them and critiquing them on how they aren’t doing it to our liking.
We don’t like the outfits they picked up for the kids. It took too long to change the baby’s diaper and the onesie is mis-snapped. Their disciplining game SUCKS. We are guilty of going on and on and on, emasculating the very men we want to step up. Our rhetoric translates into “your parenting isn’t good enough.” How hurtful is that?
Well I have news for you that you may not want to hear. It’s totally okay if they do things “wrong!” Ask yourself, did my child survive? Was my child happy? If the answer is yes, then congratulations, you just empowered a father. And here’s the kicker….perhaps it’s not wrong at all! It’s just not your way. Allowing them to do it their way is the key to empowerment and success. We have to learn to relax, relate, release and let a father take control to do his thing his way. The gift of parental autonomy is critical in molding a great dad.
We must empower fathers to stay clocked in.
Two things need to happen in order for fathers to thrive in a primary role: 1) Fathers need to stay in the game as the real MVP, and 2) Mothers need to CALM DOWN and let them score. We have to remind fathers of their value every day and appreciate what they bring to the table. And many people will probably wonder, why encourage them and give credit for something they should be doing anyway? I feel you! And the answer is this: Because!
Dismantling an outdated narrative and telling a new story requires effort and action. And it starts within our own households. Furthermore, we must build up fathers for several reasons… to share the burden of parenthood, to allow them to grow deeper into fatherhood, and to teach our children what a father is so they pass those ideologies down to their own children. Fathers are parents, not babysitters and it’s time we change this narrative. One dad at a time.
I am a writer, wife, and mother that balances many areas of my life. My love for both writing and motherhood intersected in 2016 when I co-founded Sassy Plum- a website that publishes content for families. I'm also the founder of a mom’s group that consists of over 200 women.