ML Interest Tag: feel-isolated

What to Do When Your Kid Wants a Social Media Account

by Melissa Heckscher

Already, one-third of kids ages seven to nine—and half of all 10- to 12-year-olds—are using sites like TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat

We live in a world where our baby’s first steps are just as likely to be posted online as they are to be saved in the baby book, so is it any wonder our kids are clamoring to get on social media? According to this study from the University of Michigan, one-third of kids ages seven to nine and half of all 10- to 12-year-olds are already using sites like TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat. And with all the news about how social media may damage kids’ self-esteem, potentially attract sexual predators, and encourage online bullying—exactly how worried should parents be?

“Parents are generally concerned about kids’ safety when it comes to online predators,” says Patrick Quinn, a former teacher and the official parenting expert for Brainly.com, an online homework help site run by teachers and kids. “But the bigger danger is the matter of kids not being able to realize that everything on the internet isn’t exactly true. Everybody wants to put their best foot forward online.”

Consequently, self-esteem can take a hit. According to a 2019 Johns Hopkins study, teens who spent more than three hours a day on social media were likely to see negative mental health impacts. That said, Quinn believes there are plenty of redeeming qualities of social media platforms. Finding connections and community support, for instance, can be important, especially for teens and tweens who feel isolated or different.

So what’s a parent to do? According to experts, best practices include installing good parental controls, setting clear rules, and teaching kids what good “digital hygiene” means. “We recommend sitting down with your child and talking through any new apps they’d like to download,” says Titania Jordan, Chief Parenting Officer for the BARK parental control app and the author of Parenting in a Tech World. “Discuss the pros and cons of each, keeping in mind that ‘because everyone else has it’ isn’t the best of arguments. But be sure to listen to what they have to say. Their research and passion may surprise you.” Now then: What’s a Snap? How do you Twitch? Who can DM your kids? From Facebook and Instagram to Twitch and Discord, here are the pros and cons of social media for kids.

Related: 5 Critical Social Media Habits to Teach Your Kids

How to Manage Your Kids’ Social Media Usage

Ask your child to sign a social media contract (we love this one from iMom) that lays out the general rules for what kids can and can’t do on social media—and what will happen if they break these rules. If you’re not sure your child can police themselves, parental control apps can help by setting bedtimes, setting screen limits, and blocking apps or sites you don’t want your child to use.

“When you make your expectations clear, your child will have a better understanding of what they can do and when,” Jordan says. Also, when your child signs up with a social site, make sure they add you as a “friend” so that you can see and monitor what they are posting. Kids should also give parents their login information so they can check up on what they’re doing online.

Some things to talk about before letting your kids loose on any social media platform:

  • Knowing the difference between “real-life” friends and online “friends”
  • Understanding that pictures posted on social media don’t tell the whole story (and that, despite how it looks, nobody has a perfect life)
  • The dangers of misinformation
  • Understanding that strangers who contact them online may not be who they say they are
  • The importance of never disclosing personal information online
  • Make sure to make space for “digital downtime” to keep life balanced
  • Understanding that anything you put online may be seen and shared by others
  • How parental control and privacy settings within individual apps can keep them safe

Related: Three Tips to Help Kids Navigate the Social Media World Safely

Top Tips for Social Media Safety by Platform

Kids on Instagram

pros and cons of social media for kids
dole777 on Unsplash

What is it?  An image-sharing site that allows users to view and post pictures and videos.

What do kids do on Instagram? Share their photos and view their friends' feeds, as well as keep tabs on celebrity feeds and follow users (often strangers) with similar interests. Users can also communicate via direct messages (DMs).

What parents should know: Instagram has been under attack for allegedly causing low self-esteem, especially in young girls. To combat this, parents should have a serious conversation with their kids about how what they see on Instagram isn't actually "real life." Show them how filters can make people look different/better/thinner—and how everyone has flaws to hide (this enlightening short video from Ditch The Label explains the "Insta-Lie" perfectly). There is also a "disappearing message" feature that lets kids send timed photo or video messages that users can only view once before they disappear (though screenshots can still be taken), so many kids use this feature to hide things they may not want their parents (or others) to see.

How to safeguard kids: Common Sense Media rates Instagram as best for ages 15 and up because of its easy access to mature content, as well as access to strangers. When you do decide to let your kids use the site, make sure they add you as a friend (create your own Instagram account if you don't already have one) so you can see what they are posting. You can also make your child's account private, so only their friends can see their posts. To do this, go to Settings, then Privacy, and toggle on the Private mode (You can't lock this setting, so know that your kids can always change it back.).

Instagram.com

Kids on TikTok

kids on social media
Solen Feyissa on Unsplash

What is it? The hottest social media site for teens and tweens, TikTok has racked up more than 3 billion downloads, with youngsters everywhere clamoring to show off their antics or watch short, punchy video clips. The app is supposed to be for kids 13 and up, but younger users can easily skirt this rule by lying about their birthdays when they sign up. Also: Like YouTube, kids don't need an account to view videos, but they do need one to post them. 

What do kids do on TikTok? Watch endless video loops of dance routines, makeup tutorials, homemade music videos, cooking demos, physical stunts, and more. Videos can be up to 10 minutes long, though most are only a few seconds. Creative or enterprising kids can make their TikTok videos by uploading videos from their devices or by recording, editing, and adding effects (as well as music and filters) directly in the app—making it a great place for self-expression. 

What parents should know: Profanity and sexually suggestive content are commonplace, even with parental controls enabled, according to ProtectYoungEyes.com. The app also has direct messaging features, meaning that kids can easily contact and be contacted by strangers. That said, users ages 13-15 automatically have the following features set:  
-No direct messages
-Automatic private accounts
-Comments can be made from only “Friends” or “No One.”  
-No videos can be remixed or downloaded.  

How to safeguard your kids: TikTok has parental control settings, as well as “Digital Wellbeing." Go to the settings tab in the app on your child’s device and click on “Family Pairing” to set restrictions and screen time allowances.  If you are giving your child your phone to use, go to the app, click settings, click on “Digital Wellbeing” to set time limits, and set to “Restricted” mode.  

Tiktok.com

Kids on Snapchat

kids on snap chat
Souvik Banerjee on Unsplash

What is it? A camera tool and social messaging app that lets users send "snaps" (messages) to each other, mainly in the form of pictures. Pictures and messages are (supposedly) automatically deleted after they are viewed—but this doesn't stop the receiver from taking a screenshot, so kids should know it's still possible their messages will be shared or reposted. 

What do kids do on Snapchat? Younger kids will be all about the camera filters and augmented reality elements that allow them to take fun pics of themselves with glamorous makeup, bunny ears, or a big cat sprawled on top of their heads. Older kids will likely use Snapchat as a messaging tool—sending Snaps to friends and posting photos to their “story," which disappears after 24 hours.

What parents should know: Kids may be exposed to inappropriate content on the Story feed, where they swipe through everything from up-close pimple popping videos to dance tutorials. Also, it may be hard to lull kids away from the app since users are rewarded for "Snapstreaks"—when two users send Snaps to each other at least once within 24 hours for more than three consecutive days. These reward badges are removed when the streak misses a day, so kids are incentivized to keep the conversation going.

How to safeguard kids: Parents can go into the app to prohibit location sharing (go into settings, go to “See My Location,” and set it to “Ghost Mode.”). Parents can also specify who can view or contact their kids. Parents should explain to kids never to send pictures they wouldn’t want their whole school to see (because it doesn't really "disappear"). Also, parents need to explain that kids should never post pictures of friends without similar consent.

Snapchat.com

Kids on Discord

ELLA DON on Unsplash

What is it? An online discussion/chat forum, originally designed as a way for gamers to chat while playing a video game. While the site is still mostly geared toward gaming, it has evolved into a forum to explore any subject-specific interests and group audio chats with friends.

What do kids do on Discord? Talk to other users about topics of interest (mainly gaming, anime, or music). Discord offers voice chatting, video chatting, and text messaging (it's Skype mixed with Reddit), and users can either join or create public or private groups (called “servers“) about whatever specific topic they want to talk about.

What parents should know: Being a user-generated site, kids may be exposed to inappropriate content including swearing and graphic language and images (though there are groups with rules against these things).

How to safeguard kids: While there are no parental controls, Discord does have some safety/privacy settings to control who can direct message or add your kids as friends. Its "Safe Direct Messaging" feature is supposed to delete any direct messages with explicit content (although, according to Common Sense Media, this isn't foolproof). To be safe, instruct kids to only accept invitations from and participate in private servers with people they already know.

Discord.com

Kids on Reddit

kids on social media - reddit
Brett Jordan on Unsplash

What is it? An online discussion board where users can post questions, start conversations, and share pictures and videos of things that interest them (its slogan is "Dive into anything"). While the site is designed for adults, it's easy for kids to explore, even without signing up (though they need to be signed up to post questions). 

What do kids do on Reddit? Share stories with others who have similar interests or questions, ranging from talks about their favorite video games and TV shows to personal questions about sexuality, friendships, and physical health. Once they register, users can vote, post, or subscribe to “subreddits” that focus on specific topics.  
 
What parents should know: There are no parental controls on Reddit, so kids asking particularly iffy questions may see or be exposed to inappropriate content. Also, given the nature of Reddit as an open discussion forum, kids may go down a rabbit hole of extreme opinions that may reflect racist, sexist, hate-filled, or ignorant points of view on a variety of heated topics. Parents should talk with kids about how to spot misinformation and extremism as well as how to differentiate between fact and hearsay. That said, if kids are looking for a community of people who understand particular issues, Reddit can help kids feel a little less alone in their plight. 

How to safeguard kids: Reddit is meant for adults, so it's recommended to use filters to block the app until your child is at least 13 (given the adult nature of some posts). If you'd like to let your kids explore the site, parental control apps such as Bark can send you alerts if your child is exposed to or posting anything concerning (including drugs, sex, violent or suicidal ideation).

Reddit.com

 

Kids on Facebook

kids on social media - facebook
Brett Jordan on Unsplash

What is it? With 2.74 billion users (and counting), Facebook—now part of Meta—is the most popular social media site out there, offering an easy way to share and view photos, videos, opinions, and thoughts. While the app is meant for users 13 and up, according to the BBC, it's estimated that more than 20 million of its users are younger than this. Also, even if they don't have an account of their own, anyone can view posts on Facebook (you only need an account to post or contact other users).

Note: Facebook is so adamant about its 13+ age limit that there is a page on its site devoted to reporting and deleting accounts believed to be for children (useful if you've banned the app from your house and find that your child set up an account anyway). 

What do kids do on Facebook? Share and view photos and videos of themselves and others, keep up with their favorite celebrities, watch videos of interest, and message each other.

What parents should know: Kids can easily be exposed to inappropriate content—as well as be contacted by strangers. Also, like Instagram, users can easily become obsessed with "keeping up" their image and trying to maintain the illusion of a "perfect life." Parents should keep in mind that if their kids are on Facebook, they can easily see all the things you've ever posted (something to think about if you've ever posted exasperated posts about your parenting journey or baby pics that would mortify your kids today).

How to safeguard kids: If you allow your child to have a Facebook account (preferably at 13), make sure it's set up as a private account to limit who can see their posts, photos and profile. To do this, go to the Privacy section of the Settings menu and pull the drop-down options to "Friends," "Only me," or "Close friends" (which requires you to enter specific names).  

Facebook Messenger Kids

Kids on social media on a phone
Tim Gouw on Unsplash

What is it? An app for kids that lets users talk via text and video chat. While Facebook itself maintains the 13 and up standard, Messenger Kids skirts this rule because parents set up and manage the account on behalf of their children. Bark calls this setup—where kids use the app, but parents manage every aspect of it — "like training wheels for a child’s first social media experience." This lets parents see who their child chats with, how much time they're spending on the app, and every image they send/receive. Note: This is the only app on the list that was designed for kids under 13.

What do kids do on Facebook Messenger Kids? Talk and video chat with friends. 

What parents should know: Parents must have a Facebook account to set up Messenger for their children. And while kids won’t have a public profile, parents can allow their name and profile photo to be visible to others (or not). Another important thing to note is that kids can't send links or YouTube videos through the app, which keeps them safe from iffy content.

How to safeguard kids: If you're worried about excessive use or unwanted friends, you set in-app time limits, approve or deny new friend requests, and remotely log your child out. 

Facebook.com

Kids on Twitch

kids on social media - twitch
Kadyn Pierce on Unsplash

What is it? A live-streaming site, primarily for gamers. Any kid who's obsessed with video games will likely be obsessed with watching other kids play video games—which is exactly what they do on Twitch.

What do kids do on Twitch? Watch live streams, most of which are devoted to gaming. If they're logged in, they can talk directly to the streamer and ask questions about the game (which may or not be answered, depending on how many people are watching the stream). For a fee, kids can also broadcast themselves playing. 

What parents should know: While the app doesn't technically allow threatening language or sexually explicit content, kids will still likely be exposed to plenty of profanity in the chats, which stream live beside the video. Kids don't have to sign up to watch live streams, but they do to chat. Users can also send "Whispers" (direct messages) to other registered users, though this can be restricted in the app's settings.

How to safeguard kids: Twitch doesn't offer parental controls, but logged-in users can set chat filters to limit discrimination, sexually explicit language, and profanity (though, according to Common Sense Media, these filters aren't foolproof.).

Twitch.tv

 

 

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My Child with ADHD Needs Kinder—Not Tougher—Parenting

by Rachel Garlinghouse

When I revealed to family and friends that my child was officially diagnosed with ADHD, they offered all sorts of unsolicited, well-intended suggestions. My child just needed more discipline—such as removing all electronic time and enrolling them in martial arts class. How about trying essential oils, vitamins, and chiropractic care? The worst suggestion was that my child just needed “a good spanking” (as if there is such a thing). I was disheartened, because it’s clear that society still believes parents can somehow punish ADHD out of a child.

Even before one of my kids was diagnosed with ADHD, I knew that traditional parenting methods weren’t working. I quickly figured out that time-outs didn’t regulate their sensory meltdowns. They weren’t calmer after I reminded them of the sticker chart I’d put together. What helped my child the most, started with us, the parents. We learned about and implemented gentle, connective parenting—and it saved the day.

“Parents should make an effort to understand who their children are as people,” Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in NYC who is well-versed in ADHD, advised me. She agreed that yes, kids need the basics, like structure, rules, and boundaries, but parents also shouldn’t miss out on a key component of success: ownership. “When kids have ownership over their feelings, thoughts, and even some ‘easy’ things, like choosing a meal or what to wear on the weekends, we boost their confidence,” she says.

Gentle parenting is unconditional love and affection that co-occurs with the hard work of parenting, such as expressing what we need them to do or how we feel when they’ve made a poor decision. In our family, we found that by first getting our child regulated (a.k.a. calm), we could then have more productive conversations and outcomes. When a child’s brain goes offline, meaning they are quite upset and their feelings are far more important than reasoning, they can’t problem-solve or hear what the parent is saying.

“Gentle parenting is offering support and real-time strategies instead of punitive measures that work in the short-term but break the child’s confidence,” Dr. Hafeez says. She insists that there are simply no punishments that teach a child with ADHD how to handle their day-to-day existence with the disorder. This is where gentle parenting comes in. If we keep our child and our relationship with our child at the forefront instead of solely battling their ADHD, our child fares better.

Acceptance of an ADHD diagnosis is crucial. From Dr. Hafeez’s perspective, many parents struggle to do this because it means also accepting their own neurological or mental health struggles. If as parents we’re too focused on our own feelings, we may not be leaving space for our children to thrive. A mental health professional can assist parents in accepting their child’s—and the whole family’s—reality and step forward with tactics to meet the child’s needs.

When we’ve accepted our child’s diagnosis, as well as our own struggles, we also need to be open and honest with our children about their ADHD. Parents should assure their children that ADHD traits are not “their fault.” We need to teach our children strategies, comfort them (especially so they do not feel isolated), assure them that every person has struggles, and allow our kids to express their true feelings—including frustration. Dr. Hafeez shares that by doing these things—by connecting with our children in gentle, respectful ways—we are rewiring their brains.

Let that sink in.

For my family, learning what ADHD is and how it commonly manifests, as well as paying attention to our child’s behaviors and triggers, we felt more empowered to step forward. We also read and listened to as much about ADHD and gentle parenting as we could. We knew that authoritative parenting or avoidance wasn’t going to help us or our child.

Certainly, love and respect aren’t enough. Kids with ADHD need very practical tools and strategies to accomplish tasks, such as homework or cleaning their room. Their executive functioning can be years behind their typically developing peers, so a child with ADHD who is nine might behave more like a six-year-old. Parents need to parent the child they have. The child will likely need to focus on skills such as time management and organization. A visual timer, chunking bigger tasks into smaller tasks, and labeling can be helpful, according to Dr. Hafeez. In our home, we use a lot of visual schedules.

Dr. Hafeez reminded us that kids who have ADHD “often have overlapping or conflating conditions,” which include anxiety and learning disabilities. We learned that we needed to approach our children with ADHD plus other conditions with the same level of respect, education, and guidance. Does this take work? Yes. A lot of it. However, the alternative is a constant stage of combativeness that can not only dysregulate the child and parent but the entire household.

There are multiple ways parents can help their child with ADHD, and we found that utilizing all of them was the best approach. Changing our parenting alone wasn’t enough to help our child. Therapy, medication, lots of gross motor activity, an appropriate school plan, and ongoing education have all been immensely beneficial.

If you’re a parent who feels lost when it comes to parenting your child with ADHD, you aren’t alone. In our family, changing our approach from more authoritarian to gentler parenting has changed our lives for the better. We face far fewer battles and have experienced far more joy.

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Why Sharing Your True Motherhood Story Really Matters

By Flow Belinsky

In the depths of postpartum depression, in the throes of a vicious cycle of panic attacks and addiction, I started writing. This wasn’t my first time writing to heal and understand my pain, and I didn’t hold back. By letting myself write the hard truth, I found resolution. It helped me move through the most complex emotions I had ever felt into the light of empowerment, healing, and sobriety.

One year later, I had a finished book and I published it. It was raw, real, painfully honest, imperfect but complete. I hired a cover designer, formatted it myself, and submitted it to Amazon. I didn’t have many expectations for my book. I just knew I had to put it out there. At times I worried that it was too truthful, too vulnerable, too revealing. But, as the feedback and reviews started rolling in, I understood the deeper reason behind my urge to publish it.

In telling my true story about the hardships and growth of my first year of motherhood, I made myself available for judgments, scrutiny, embarrassment, sure. Some of the things I thought and went through are not normally talked about in our society. But the transformation I experienced—from utter despair and suicidality, to hopeful empowerment—really inspired others. It normalized the more challenging aspects of early motherhood. It showed a way through the hardship. Publishing my book was the most worthwhile thing I have done so far because it really helped other women.

As I started putting my book out there, I got emails every week from women thanking me for my blunt honesty. They too had very similar experiences and feelings, challenges and pains, but didn’t realize that other mothers went through the same things. They found solace in my story, healing for their own journeys, and hope on their paths. Publishing my book literally changed people’s lives. It made them feel not alone. It helped them learn how to love themselves in their own flaws and shortcomings, to accept their own inner turmoils and dark thoughts.

Looking back, I now see that publishing my true story in the form of a book also changed the world in its own small way. It shifted the lens of what motherhood can be like. It changed the narrative of what a good woman is. It shed light on the struggles that modern moms go through. It healed the silence of our ancestors and the oppression of our grandmothers. It changed the fabric of reality.

Telling your true story of motherhood, both the challenges and the triumphs, is one of the most generous and generative things you can do. So many women harbor shame and feel isolated in their less-than-glowing moments as a mother. In a world inundated with picture-perfect posts, matching outfits, and gushing gratitude…those women who experience life and motherhood differently can feel like something is wrong with them. They can feel really alone in their struggles, perspectives, and darker thoughts.

It is so important to tell the truth about your real experiences of motherhood. Those little revealings of honesty can change another woman’s life, or even save it. Just look at the tidal wave that has come from Meghan Markle speaking up about her postpartum experiences. It is shifting things in the maternal mental health world and beyond. It is making it more ok for women to speak their own truths, accept their experiences and get the help they need. It’s changing society in a big way. Of course, not all of us have as powerful of a platform as royalty like Meghan Markle. But even those of us with a small reach do make a difference when we speak up about the truth instead of continuing to stay silent.

Whether you share your truth through conversations with other women, through social media, on podcasts, through writing articles or actually writing a book, you are helping other women and our society. In my experience though, writing your story into a book is the most powerful form. Publishing your true motherhood story gets it out into the culture in a way that other forms do not. When others read and hear about your book, it has an impact that a social post does not. Publishing a book gives a deeper level of credibility to your work and adds a solidness and permanence to your message. 

Standing in your truth and sharing your real motherhood story makes the world a safer place for women and empowers everyone who reads it with more authenticity and understanding. If you are feeling the call to write a book about your motherhood experience, the lessons you’ve learned, the hardships you’ve endured, the raw and real behind-the-scenes truths, I deeply encourage you to do it. Your story really matters. It’s medicine—a powerful healing balm for other women and this world.

Flow is an Author and Memoir Writing Coach for Womxn. Feeling the call to write your true life story into a book that inspires? Sign up to join a Free Memoir Writing Breakthrough Workshop through her website, and get the clarity and momentum you need to make it happen.

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How I Told My Kids I Was Diagnosed with Cancer

By Christine Shields-Corrigan

Photo: Christine Shields Corrigan

Telling children that a parent has cancer is one of the most difficult things a newly diagnosed parent must face. For starters, there’s no one or “right” way to have this conversation. Every family copes with life’s challenges uniquely. As a two-time cancer survivor, wife, and mom of three children, here are some of my thoughts about “telling the kids” based on my experiences.

At first blush, a parent’s instinct may be to avoid telling the children in order to protect them. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago, my children were ages 19, 15, and 10, my husband and I decided that we would tell them when we had all of the relevant information—diagnosis, treatment plan, prognosis—so that we would be on the same page and could deal with the news together. It seemed like a logical plan at the time, but for various reasons, it didn’t work out as I’d hoped. In fact, my plan to share the information at one time made a difficult and stressful time much harder. Instead of trying to control the narrative, I should have shared the information, particularly with my teenage children, as I received it. 

In addition, as a practical matter, it’s hard to keep cancer a secret. Children know when secrets are being kept. They’ll pick up on their parents’ worry, anxiety, and hushed voices and wonder what is being kept from them. Understandably then, kids might believe that whatever is happening is too awful to talk about, which in turn might make them feel isolated from the very people who are supposed to care for them.

Another problem with not telling children about a cancer diagnosis is that, if their parents don’t tell them, they’ll inevitably hear it elsewhere. A classmate or a neighbor might say something, not knowing that the news hasn’t been shared. Now, the children may find themselves in the bewildered space of not knowing what to believe and questioning whether they can trust their parents.

There’s no getting around it—children need to be told about a parent’s cancer diagnosis. However, before having these painful and hard conversations, take some time to plan what to say. Talk to a spouse, partner, therapist, or a health care professional. Consider writing down important points so you can pay attention to your children’s reactions. Be prepared for your children to ask whether you will die. It was the first question my younger son asked. In response, I explained that my cancer was caught early, that I would have surgery and chemotherapy to get better, and that I had great doctors taking care of me. Also, don’t be afraid of being emotional. It’s okay to cry together. It’s okay to admit that this is a frightening time, but reassure them that the family will get through it together.

How much information to share depends on the children’s ages. In general, children aged eight years or younger don’t need detailed information, while older children and teens will want to know more. However, according to the American Cancer Society, at a minimum, children should be told the following:

  • the name of the cancer (e.g. breast cancer, lung cancer, lymphoma)
  • the location of the cancer in the body 
  • the type of treatment 
  • a simple explanation of side effects
  • how their lives might be affected 

When naming the cancer, it may be helpful to use a doll, stuffed animal, book, or drawing to show or preschoolers and school-aged children where the cancer is. Young children are concrete thinkers so they likely will focus on the outside effects of the disease, such as hair loss or weight changes. Tell the children that they didn’t cause the parent’s cancer. Nothing they did or didn’t do caused their parent to get this disease—it’s not their fault. Parents should assure their children that cancer isn’t contagious and let them know that it’s okay to hug and show affection for each other.

Parents need to be honest about any changes that may happen to their children’s day-to-day lives. For example, children should be told that the parent might be away from home for several hours a day so that he or she can the treatment they need to get better. Family and friends may provide meals because the parent may be too tired to cook. Classmates’ or teammates’ parents may take children to and from school, sports, or other activities. Grandparents or other relatives or friends may stay with the children if the parent has to go to the hospital. The sick parent might need extra help with chores. By letting the children know this information upfront, the changes in their routines may be less upsetting.

Parents need to give their children time to absorb and process this news and therefore should be prepared to have more than one cancer conversation. Keep the lines of communication open and encourage children to ask questions and share their concerns. Try to have these conversations during a quiet time without interruptions so that the kids feel that they’re being heard. If parents don’t know the answer to their children’s questions, tell them that and follow-up later with an explanation. 

And above all else, remind children that they are now and always loved. Cancer will never change that.

Christine Shields-Corrigan
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Christine Shields Corrigan, a two-time cancer survivor, wife, and mom, gives voice to the beautiful ordinary in her lyrical and practical essays. Her work about family, illness, writing, and resilient survivorship has appeared in a number of outlets. 

 

 

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Is Your Kid Regressing? Here’s What You Can Do About It

By Meghan Fitzgerald

Photo: Tinkergarten

When the parenting headlines match what’s happening in our own homes, we know something’s afoot. And from Tinkergarten team members’ stories to the New York Times, one theme emerged: regression.

Why are our kids regressing, how can we muster the patience to help them through, and, worse yet, will these setbacks persist on the other side of this? I’ve read a handful of articles aimed to support on this front, and they have helped. But, it wasn’t until the other night when I was talking to treasured colleagues on Zoom that something fundamental clicked for me: We are all on a roller coaster, and our kids are strapped in with us.

A metaphor goes a long way.

In teaching both kids and parents, a simple metaphor can help make tricky concepts click—and this idea of a roller coaster has done that for me. Some of us can’t stand roller coasters. I love them, but only the ones I choose to get on and the ones that, I can tell, come to a clear end. COVID-19 fits neither of those criteria, and it is quite an intense ride.

I have kept so busy trying to do all of the quarantine parent/worker/person things, that I had not really stopped to recognize the intense emotional side of COVID-19 life—to see plainly what me, my kids and those I love are experiencing.

If we are feeling it, they are really feeling it.

Hearing and really recognizing that we have every reason to feel like a wreck can go a long way. And if I am a mess with an adult brain that is capable of rationalizing and regulating my emotions, then how can I possibly expect more of my child, who is not yet able to do either of those things? When kids are overwhelmed emotionally, they show a range of responses—from clinging to us more to acting out, tantruming or struggling with siblings. Just knowing that all of those reactions are totally normal and to be expected during a time like this can help.

Kids regress, especially during times of stress.

If you are worried at all about setbacks in your child’s behavior, check out NYTimes Parenting’s recent “Why is My Big Kid Acting Like a Toddler.” It reminds us that regression, the return to earlier stages of development, is actually a mechanism that kids use to protect themselves from the impact of strong emotions. It might not make the fifth tantrum of the day delightful to endure or make it easy for you to find space from a clingy kiddo who used to leave you alone. But knowing that regression is not only natural but also emotionally beneficial for our kiddos lessens both the worry and our struggle to prevent it—and that struggle was making my “tired” even bigger and bolder at the end of the day.

There are a few ways to smooth out the ride.

How can we smooth things out so the highs and lows are not so extreme?

“Thoughts come and go. Feelings come and go. Find out what it is that remains.” —Ramana Marhashi

Breathe deeply. When you are in a rough moment, alone or with your kids, give it some time. Repeat a mantra like, “This too shall pass.” Then, remember to notice how it really does. Even if it takes until your kiddo is fast asleep, see that kids do become sweet again—these moments come, and they go.

Get outside and move! When tough moments hit, step outside or just open a window and take in some fresh air. Natural settings reduce stress, and the switch of scenery and sensory input can help kids and grown-ups to calm and regulate our emotions. At the very least, it can redirect their attention a bit to help the moment pass. We end every day with a walk outside—and there have been some days in which the kids and I, quite literally, are all crying by 5:30 p.m. By the end of our walk, we are back, tired and worn, but ready for dinner and some sweet cuddling.

Cuddle or soothe. Do this in a way that works for your child. Attention, reassurance, and reminders that we are right here for them is what kids need most right now. And, one of the silver linings in all of this is that, for most of us, we are right there—all the time. Experts know that physical touch can enhance brain development and help regulate kids’ nervous systems. In other words, it’s exactly what they might need to break free of a negative cycle. If your child seeks and readily receives physical affection, give loads of extra hugs, squeezes, and touches. If kids will accept a hug when they are off the rails, hold and squeeze them through it. Or, wait until later and cuddle again before the day is through. Even add in extra squeezes as you move through the day.

Mindful “you time.” It is really, really hard to get time for ourselves in the middle of all of this, and you need moments of solo, meditative time to repair. So, even if it is just 10 daily minutes of meditation in bed before kids wake up, a 7-minute workout while they watch a show, or just taking a few moments in the bathroom for yourself, build it in and savor it.

This is a lot, it’s hard, and it’s extraordinary. I’ve realized that so much of the regression that kids and I are feeling is a reflection of this incredible situation. Humans are not meant to be or feel isolated. We contemplate the present and future and need to understand where we are going and have hope for better times. We are experiencing loss and anxiety. Our dreams are even impacted. This is real and big. But, this too shall pass. For now, we need to do whatever we and our kids need to get through until it’s finally time to get off this ride and stand on solid ground again.

This post originally appeared on Tinkergarten.

After 18 years as an educator, curriculum developer and school leader, Meghan has her dream gig—an entrepreneur/educator/mom who helps families everywhere, including hers, learn outside. Today, Meghan serves as co-founder and Chief Learning Officer of Tinkergarten, the national leader in outdoor play-based learning. 

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Join In! Seattle Facebook Groups to Keep Parents Connected

by Allison Sutcliffe

Find community and connection with these Seattle Facebook groups for parents

Now more than ever it’s important for parents to stay connected. Whether you’re prepping for distance learning or need a distraction from working at home, moms and dads who share the same concerns, questions and interests that you do are just a click away. Find your village in one of these Seattle Facebook groups.

Brooke Cagle via unsplash

Seattle Moms Group

Regardless of where you live in or around the Emerald City, this Facebook group of moms is there for you. Newborn got a weird rash and you’re not sure it’s worthy of a trip to the doc? This group will help you out. Trying to find a photographer to shoot baby’s first birthday bash? These moms have got the scoop. Think of this group as a great way to crowd source pressing parent questions, drama-free.

PNW Hiking with Kids

So many families are taking solace in the woods these days, where social distancing is easy. Finding the right hike, however, can sometimes be a challenge. That’s why Shali Grace created this Facebook group less than a year ago. She craved a space where parents who enjoy hiking could share stories, tips and hike ideas with each other in a supportive, informative environment. That’s what you’ll find here. So whether you’re a newb or were born with a hiking pole in hand, join this group to get all the practical deets and inspiration you need.

Seattle Stay At Home Dads

What started many years ago with three dads and a PEPS group, has grown to include over 400 Seattle stay-at-home dads. This active group of involved guys tackle all sorts of topics on their news feed; considered by members to be the go-to spot for questions about child developmental issues, daddy-ing concerns and questions, even talking about what’s it’s like to be the only guy at the park sometimes. Expect to answer a few questions when you ask to join this group, then get ready to find dads just like you from the greater Seattle area.

Lynnwood Moms

An offshoot of another online moms group, Lynnwood Moms made their way on the scene just over five years ago. Now 3,200 members strong, it's become a space where moms can go do discuss all sorts of things going on in the immediate Lynnwood area. It’s where local moms find out about school and family events, healthcare fairs and local deals being offered. Members will also find tons of answers to questions from the basic (who’s the best pediatrician in town?) to the not-so-standard (where’s the best price in town for diapers today?), and everything in between. It’s a supportive and diverse community that looks out for each other and the group prides itself on their annual Christmas family adoption program, as well as being able to connect local moms in need with local moms who can give. Consider it the virtual resource for everything Lynnwood moms need to know!

Holly Aprecio Photography

Seattle Attachment Parenting

Whether you’re well versed in the world of attachment parenting or are just starting to learn about its practice, forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their kiddos, this Facebook group is where you want to be. It’s where you can connect with others on the same path, to ask questions, offer solutions and dish tips on how to treat your wee one with kindness, respect and dignity at every turn. The over 1,200 members are an active, genuine group of parents and caregivers who take a "general approach” to attachment parenting. Although many members may use tools like baby wearing, bed sharing and breastfeeding, they aren’t requirements for practicing attachment parenting and fostering healthy emotional bonds with your mini-me here.

Seattle Vegan Families

Parents know if you’re raising a vegan kid, it can be tough at times, even in Seattle. That’s where the Seattle Vegan Families Facebook page comes in. Designed to be a hangout for vegan families (at least one kid and one parent need to be vegan to join), you can find answers to all kinds of questions on this wellness-focused page. This supportive group of over 350 parents are all about supporting their child’s vegan diet. Which makes us think one thing—yum!

dad jokes for kids
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Seattle Gay Families

Get connected through this LGBTQ group that hosts a virtual platform for its over 850 active member families. The group was about getting together (in the pre-Covid days), but now continues its focus on supporting each other and having a good time with other LBGTQ parents and their kidlets. The page also acts as a resource for parents (prospective parents, too!) looking to connect, build friendships and exchange stories within the local LGBTQ parenting community.

Amy Purling

Seattle Parents of Preemies

Moderated by the Seattle Parents of Preemies leadership team, this dynamic, private Facebook page provides a virtual space where parents of preemies can connect once their little ones have been released from the NICU. It’s a place where moms and dads, who might otherwise feel isolated and alone with their littlest bundle, can get those much-needed "me too's!” that let them know they’re not alone in their experience. Beyond this virtual platform that’s filled with questions, resources, and emotional support, families can connect in the real world, too. SPP hosts monthly parent-led support group meetings, and exciting educational events and expert speakers around the city for preemie families, too.

Carina A. del Rosario

Families of Color Seattle

For self-identified parents of children of color, their accomplices and allies, belonging to FOCS’s ever-expanding, 2,900-member group page is a must. Beyond the articles, giveaways and event notifications everyone shares within the group, parents will find this to be a comforting, healing spot, a true place to connect. It's also where you can learn about new parent groups FOCS hosts virtually. And if you’ve got questions, concerns or resources to share, this group is on it, enthusiastically responding based on their wide range of experiences and viewpoints. It’s one of the many ways FOCS works with parents and caregivers to empower kids of color, giving them room to grow in compassion, agency and self-awareness so they can thrive.

Shilshole Boatfest

Parents in Magnolia, Ballard & Queen Anne

If you live in Ballard, Magnolia or Queen Anne (or just outside those neighborhoods), you need to get in on this Facebook group. Its 9,000 members get together (virtually) to trade tips and dish details about upcoming events, classes, and more so that even neighborhood newbies can parent like they’ve been at it for years. Getting to know each other, building community and supporting other parents along their parenting journey is the group’s main order of business. And to keep things focused, they don’t allow any buying or selling within the group….they’ve got a different group for that. Both are worth a like!

Good to Know
Many of these groups are closed, so you will need permission from an administrator to join. Some require answers to quick questions, others are more rigorous and some are just a formality. So, ask away!

—Allison Sutcliffe

featured photo: JESHOOTS.COM via unsplash

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5 No-Fail Ideas to Help Create a Strong Relationship (Even during a Pandemic)

By Erin Wiley

As a couples’ therapist and practice owner, I’ve noticed a dramatic upswing in calls from couples requesting therapy. The stresses due to the pandemic and the economy are causing so much angst and uncertainty. Add in children and you compound the difficulties of social isolation and insecurity during COVID-19 and in 2020.

At my private practice in Toledo, Ohio the phone has been ringing off the hook from couples everywhere are on the edge and struggling due to the side effects of COVID-19. Couples are being weighed down by the amount of time they are now spending together with their significant other in close quarters, uncertainty about the future, parenting challenges, financial worries, and fear of getting sick.  

As a parent, being alone at home with, very likely, only the company of children and a significant other right now may feel overwhelming, exhausting, depressing, or lonely. Reaching out to our significant other for comfort and support is a logical choice, but with the emotional strain of the global pandemic, our partners are likely struggling too. This recent increase in stress can lead to more frequent disagreements, disappointments, conflict, and arguments. To assist partners to deepen their connection with their spouse or significant other, and even thrive, during this time, I am recommending five no-fail ideas to help create a strong relationship foundation.

1. Move Your Bodies Together: Time spent together working in the yard, or simply taking a walk together will help you connect. Not only are you carving out intentional time for each other, but you are also raising endorphins together while building emotional intimacy through conversation. It doesn’t have to be intense discussion—simply exchanging thoughts and stories is enough. So, get those sneakers on and get moving, and holding hands never hurt anyone either.

2. Step Away from the Remote and Shut off the Electronics: The glowing screens of televisions, phones, tablets, and video games can be real relationship killers. The number of couples I see in therapy who mention their partner’s obsession with social media, online gambling, adult videos, or gaming apps is higher than ever. Take responsibility if you are one of the guilty ones. These activities are fun and highly addictive. They are created that way so advertisers can make money from the people who are addicted. Try being counter-cultural and carve out screen-free time in your home. Pick times of the day, or days of the week where you commit to being electronics-free. Make plans to go to a farmer’s market, cook dinner from a new recipe, visit a local park, work together on a home improvement project: anything but stare mindlessly at a screen while ignoring each other.

3) Spend Time Talking and Learn More about Each Other:As a couples’ counselor who, myself, has been with the same man for 27 years, I am continually amazed that I learn new things about his life before me. There are so many stories to share: from our childhoods, our years in high school, our families of origin, our hometowns, and more. Ask questions beyond “What should we have for dinner tonight?” to try and draw more from your conversation time together. “What’s your happiest holiday story?” , “What’s your most vivid memory from third grade?” , “Which was your favorite grandparent?”, “What got you in the most trouble as a kid?” Continuing to get to know your partner, even after decades together, will continue to strengthen the bond you share. 

4. Allow Space for Emotions and Process Feelings Together: Whether you or your partner is the one feeling frustrated, sad, hopeless, angry, or irritated with all the changes thrown our way because of the pandemic, go with it. It’s important to feel and process our emotions, otherwise, we get caught in an unhealthy pattern of stuffing our feelings down and numbing them with food, alcohol, shopping, and other maladaptive coping skills. There is great significance in discussing with your partner how you feel, and what you think is at the root of those emotions. Allow space for your partner to do the same with you. Take an attitude of curiosity: don’t seek to fix the problem or rescue your partner from their emotion. Simply ask questions and give them space to share their thoughts. This builds trust, connection, and ultimately greater closeness. 

5. Be There for Each Other by Offering Practical Support: So many people in therapy report feeling lonely right now. Even in a partnership, while quarantined in the same house, we can feel isolated and alone. Take the time to check in with your spouse or significant other by specifically asking “How can I support you today? How can I be a good friend for you right now? Is there something you could use my help with?” Showing you care by offering yourself as a helper to your partner can create greater trust and commitment for couples. Letting your person know that you have their best interest at heart is a sure-fire way to increase positive, loving feelings between the two of you. A great friendship is at the core of every epic love story. Strengthening the friendship we have with our partner by helping them with a chore, holding them when they are sad, listening when they want to talk, or watching a funny movie when they need to laugh are small ways we can deepen our friendship with the people we love.

A romance that survives the stress brought on by a global pandemic is good, but a romance that thrives despite the stressors of this time is even better. Choosing to make time to connect with our partner is an intentional decision. With the stressors of modern life, putting time and effort into our most important relationship is something that we need to constantly prioritize. Make a commitment to follow these simple tips so that you can not only make this time of social isolation bearable but maybe even a time that the two of you look back on warmly as you remember the ways in which you intentionally grew closer together.

Erin Wiley, MA, LPC, LPCC, is a clinical psychotherapist and the Executive Director of The Willow Center, a counseling practice in Toledo, Ohio. The clinical focus of her therapy work is marriage, family, parenting, and relationships. She has extensive training in marriage counseling from the Gottman Institute. 

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Don’t Ignore These Signs of Postpartum Depression

By Sarah Daren

Welcoming a new baby is a happy occasion—but the aftermath of giving birth can be unexpectedly challenging, especially when problems like postpartum depression occur. Postpartum depression is a serious issue in the United States. The condition affects 10% to 20% of new mothers and often new mom feel ashamed of experiencing postpartum depression.

Some feel the stigma associated with the condition or feel that they’re failing their child. For this reason, many mothers hide their symptoms and suffer far longer than they should. Or, they just don’t know that what they’re experiencing is postpartum depression.

It’s not always possible to prevent the condition, but studies show that a longer maternity leave reduces the risk for postpartum depression. It’s possible that moms returning to work too quickly can lead to feelings of guilt and other negative self-talk about leaving their baby in the care of someone else, combined with the stress of balancing a new baby and the demands of the workplace.

Becoming a mother initiates a huge shift in a woman’s life and sense of identity. Normal routines change, priorities are different, and lack of sleep can cause many new parents to experience mental health challenges. With all the emotions and challenges involved with raising a newborn, it’s no wonder some women find themselves experiencing depression, despite the joy of a new child.

And while many women experience temporary “baby blues” after giving birth, this typically subsides quickly. A smaller percentage of moms develop postpartum depression, which can last for much longer and be much more intense. Whether you’re a new mom, a concerned partner, or a friend or family member, it’s important to keep an eye out for the almost invisible signs of postpartum depression.

Coping With Postpartum Depression

To cope with postpartum depression, it’s crucial to know what to look for. Many women dismiss or hide their symptoms, and their partners and family members may not know what to look for. What’s more, many of the symptoms of postpartum depression are nearly invisible, as they mimic many of the difficulties new parents face naturally.

According to Dr. Mariea Snell, assistant director of the online doctor of nursing practice program at Maryville University, it is very normal to have a change in your mood just after having a baby.  

“The concern comes in when after about 2-3 weeks these feelings don’t change or get worse. Some red flags for postpartum depression are: feeling uninterested in activities that you normally enjoyed, being tearful, feeling guilt, expressing fear of being a bad mother, having difficulty with making decisions and change in eating and sleeping patterns.”

Classic symptoms of postpartum depression are sadness, hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, issues with self-esteem, and trouble connecting or bonding with the baby. New moms may have anxiety or cry frequently, withdrawing from loved ones.

Women with postpartum depression may also face severe exhaustion and difficulty sleeping. As many new parents are sleep-deprived, it can be hard to determine whether depression or middle-of-the-night baby needs are to blame.

Moms who are struggling with postpartum depression may be feeling hopeless, but there are ways to cope with the problem. Lifest‌yle changes, including getting more exercise, cutting down on caffeine, and practicing meditation are just some of the ways to reduce postpartum depression. If these modifications don’t work, antidepressants may be the best option.

Women should never feel ashamed about seeking treatment for postpartum depression. It’s time to break down the stigma. By taking care of their own needs, new moms will not only feel better, but they’ll be able to better enjoy their baby’s first years.

Risk Factors for Postpartum Depression

Several factors can increase a new mother’s risk of developing postpartum depression. Not surprisingly, a history of anxiety and depression is a risk factor. Unbalanced hormone levels also play a role in postpartum mental health. New moms and mothers with babies who have health problems or are very fussy are also more likely to develop postpartum depression, as are women who do not have a strong support system and feel isolated from other adults.

Many of these risk factors can be mitigated by a caring and attentive partner or the support of friends and family members. Women need to feel like they’re not alone and they need time to take care of themselves and have a break.

More Than Baby Blues

Postpartum depression is much more serious than the “baby blues” many women get soon after giving birth. Mood swings, crying, anxiety, and other symptoms are short-lived during the baby blues and usually last only a few days or weeks.

“If these symptoms do not get better or get worse around the 3-6 week point it could be time to consult with a provider. Telehealth can be a great way to connect with someone. You can get advice or care without having to disrupt your schedule,” says Dr. Snell.

Everyone needs to contribute to making sure a woman feels supported postpartum. Even simple gestures that allow new moms to eat healthfully or take a shower contribute positively to her mental health and well-being. Postpartum depression is a serious issue, and it’s crucial to recognize and cope with it.

Sarah Daren has been a consultant for startups in industries including health and wellness, wearable technology, and education. She implements her health knowledge into every aspect of her life, including her position as a yoga instructor and raising her children. Sarah enjoys watching baseball and reading on the beach. 

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