We’ve all had days when the sight of our partner makes us want to run in the opposite direction. That’s part of being married, after all. But when are those feelings a red flag that something might be wrong? When are the things that might seem normal to you actually unresolved resentment in your relationship? An Instagram post on the subject by Erin Mitchell, MACP, and Stephen Mitchell, PhD, founders of Couples Counseling for Parents, recently grabbed our attention. So we chatted with the married couple, who share three kids, to flush out the six behaviors mentioned in their post. Here’s what they had to say.

1. Having a hard time assuming your partner’s “best.”

“Assuming the best in your partner gives you the space to ask the curious questions and help you navigate and not get stuck in places of resentment. It’s a way of interpreting interactions,” explains Stephen.

For example, your partner comes home crabby and irritable. If you automatically assume the worst, you might think, My partner just said something snarky to me; they always do that. When you assume their best, you might consider, Huh, I wonder if they got enough sleep last night? and ask invitational questions like, ‘Hey, that was snarky. Are you tired; are you okay?’”

2. “Minor” conflicts seem to escalate into “major” conflicts regularly.

It starts small with a menial chore or task—the shoes are everywhere in the house, dishes never seem to make it into the dishwasher, or laundry never gets put away.

These small things can represent resentment in relationships, especially if you aren’t getting the help you need from your partner, and often lead to a larger argument about the relationship. “‘I have to pick up the whole house. I don’t feel like we’re a team. I don’t feel supported. You do nothing. It can even escalate to ‘It’s been this way forever, and now I’m done,’” Stephen says.

Erin points out that escalating conflicts can also arise if one partner seemingly has more “me” time. In a healthy relationship, situations around time should be give-and-take, but a situation can escalate quickly if you have unresolved relationship resentment.

3. Your reflex when your partner is near is to feel tense or guarded.

How you and your partner deal with conflicts plays a role in how you feel when your partner is near, and, as Erin points out, there is a physical reaction aspect of feeling guarded. She describes it as a nervous system feeling: “If you’re not in a resolved, connective place, your partner’s presence may activate your discomfort, which, on a level, represents disconnection in a relationship.”

4. When you think of having a conversation with your partner, you decide it’s not worth it.

This situation boils down to whether or not you expect there to be conflict when trying to communicate with your partner. “A lot of the resentment comes when someone doesn’t feel acknowledged or validated or seen or understood,” Stephen says. “And they feel like they’ve been trying to communicate that to their partner, or their partner, once again, doesn’t get it. It’s that tension of, oh, I don’t want to get into it again.”

5. Arguing about the same thing over and over again and then over again.

If you and your partner continuously argue about the same issue, that’s a sign that communication is lacking, leading to unresolved resentment. As mentioned above, not being heard or validated is a big part of the equation.

6. You not only don’t feel the “spark” anymore, but you’re not sure you miss it.

No closeness in a relationship, whether mentally or physically, is a sign you don’t care to be around your partner, which may be tied to underlying tension or feelings of general dislike or disconnect.

What can you do about unresolved resentment in relationships?

According to the Mitchells, you have to be okay with emotions that might be uncomfortable for you, whether anger, sadness, fear, joy, etc. At that point, you have to understand why that emotion is so hurtful. Then, and only then, you can communicate with your partner gently and with vulnerability.

“Going back to the example of the shoes, if you acknowledge that yeah, it’s just shoes, but explain you’re feeling out of sorts (a bad day at work, kids talking back), and having an organized home is important [to you]. It’s really about you, not the shoes. Make it about yourself and not your partner—that’s communicating with vulnerability. You want your partner to get you, and you want to feel seen.”

Erin elaborates, “It isn’t the little things you feel sad or angry about, but the disconnect in the partnership.”

Related: Psychologist Reveals the 4 Signs of a Doomed Relationship

When kids experience big feelings during the toddler years and inevitably unleash them (so fun!), they know someone is likely going to step in and help them or give them what they want. Think about the last time you took your kid to Target and they lost their mind about not getting that [insert anything in their line of sight]. There probably wasn’t a lot of discussion happening at that moment as you were fighting for your life and attempting to remove yourself and your kid from the premises as quickly as possible.

But as kids grow up, they need to learn skills to help them deal with those feelings more productively. This skill is known as emotional intelligence, which translates to: “emotional awareness, or the ability to identify and name one’s own emotions; the ability to harness those emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem-solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes both regulating one’s own emotions when necessary and helping others to do the same,” per Psychology Today.

But how do we simplify this concept for kids? Parenting coach Destini Ann Davis shares an easy-to-remember sentence that can be applied to just about any emotionally charged situation and allows the speaker to take ownership of their feelings: “I feel [blank] because I need [blank] so I’m going to [blank].”

@destini.ann

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♬ original sound – Destini Ann

Parents can use this phrase during everyday interactions with their kids to model what healthy processing looks like. An example she gives is: “I feel sad because I really want us to be on the same page and we’re not. I’m going to make myself available to talk about this when you’re ready.” That sentence not only describes Davis’ emotional state, but it includes an action step to revisit the situation once her kid is more regulated.

According to Davis, it all comes back to emotional intelligence and not relying on others to fix what is bothering us. She follows up with another example, which we can see both parents and kids using: “I feel frustrated because I need some quiet so I’m going to go into my room.” Emotional intelligence is about me owning my feelings, my needs, and the actions that I’m going to take to get those needs met,” Davis explains. It’s about empowering yourself—and your kid—to take a step back from a situation, analyze what’s happening, and figure out the best way forward.

If this method is a little too advanced for your kid, try Davis’ recommendation of instituting a safe word that signals to the parent that the child is about to lose it and needs some assistance before boiling over. Davis uses the word “pickles,” and when her daughter says it, Davis knows that her daughter needs some time away from her (younger, somewhat smothering) sibling. This helps her daughter avoid hurtful phrases like, “You’re so annoying!” and allows her to own and process her emotions.

This skill also extends to our adult relationships, helping us get a better handle on things that are bothering us while avoiding using “you” statements that make our partners feel judged. Consider trying it out the next time you notice that your emotional needs aren’t being met.

Let’s be honest, almost everyone yells at their kids sometimes. Just picture your average busy morning trying to get everyone out the door: One of them starts whining or picks a fight with their sibling and you’re about to be late, again. You feel your frustration beginning to bubble up and before you know it, you’re shouting at everyone because you just need to GET OUT THE DAMN DOOR! Someone (maybe you) starts to cry and then everyone starts their day feeling terrible.

While it’s totally normal to blow your top occasionally, studies show that it’s not a very effective parenting strategy, it doesn’t help your kids behave any better, and it can lead to loads of negative outcomes in the future (behavioral and emotional, among others). But even if you know that yelling is bad, how do you break the habit?

“There are very few people who do not yell,” says Dr. Michele Locke, a registered clinical psychologist specializing in child, adolescent, and parenting psychology in Toronto. “Most people do.” But that doesn’t mean you can’t improve your relationship with your littles. Here are some simple steps to help you stop yelling at your kids and get a handle on your behavior.

1. Consider How You Were Raised

How you behave has a lot to do with how you were treated as a kid yourself. “One of the main reasons that we yell is that we were raised in that kind of environment,” says Dajana Yoakley, a peaceful parenting coach in Little Rock, Arkansas.

If you come from a family of yellers, it can feel ingrained in you to react that same way, explains Locke. For example, when you were a child and had a big emotion, like anger, if the adults responsible for you yelled at you during your outburst, you learned that your big emotions led to a negative outcome in someone that you loved.

“When you become a parent and your kids have those same emotions that you had as a kid, your reaction is habitual, because you’re actually trying to shut down the emotion almost like you’re reacting to your own little self,” says Locke. Hence the yelling.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t change. Understanding why you react that way is half the battle, and the other half is practice. If you can’t get there through parenting books, podcasts, or practice, which can be a tall order for a busy parent, therapy is another great option.

2. Know Your Triggers

“Parents yell because they are burnt out, exhausted, or triggered,” says Locke. Parents are most likely to yell before bedtime, when they’re rushed or overstimulated, or when their child activates a feeling in them that they can’t regulate, she explains.

Notice how your body feels in the moment right before you yell, during the yell, or right after, recommends Yoakley. Maybe your heart is racing, or you start to sweat. “You have to really tune into your body as an instrument to tell you the clues of what you’re feeling. If you don’t know what you’re feeling, then you can’t change what you’re feeling,” says Yoakley.

Once you start to recognize the feeling that you’re about to blow up, you can start to get a handle on it. There are also a few other things you can do to dial down your rage in the moment. If possible, remove the immediate stressor. Late for dinner? Takeout (or cereal) it is. Your kid doesn’t want to wear rain boots? Throw them in their backpack instead. If everyone’s hungry and tired, throw some snacks at the situation, which can regulate everyone’s blood sugar and take things down a notch.

3. Anchor Yourself

If you’re getting overwhelmed, and feel a yell building, try and remove yourself from the situation, or take a pause before you react. If you can safely leave your children for a moment, Locke recommends heading to the bathroom and putting an ice pack on your skin, or taking a few deep breaths to remind your body that it’s not an emergency. Breathing techniques, like the five-finger breathing technique, can help bring some calm, plus you can teach it to and model it for your kids. This mindfulness technique can help you find that mind-body connection, with no props required.

The key is really to stop yourself before you fall into the same pattern of overreaction. Let your kids misbehave for a few minutes longer so you can be ready to approach them calmly and lead by example. “Do whatever you have to do to anchor yourself in the moment and ask yourself, how do I move into this situation and be a sturdy leader?” says Locke.

4. Recognize the Vicious Cycle

“Shouting can work in the moment, but what happens long term is your child begins to shout too, and the relationship becomes more disconnected and ruptured,” says Yoakley.

The reason it might feel like yelling works to stop the bad behavior is because it’s scary and activates your kids’ fear response, says Locke. “It doesn’t teach them anything about what to do next time,” she says. “You just have to increase the intensity and frequency of your yelling.”

Related: 8 Phrases to Bring a Toddler Back From the Brink

Plus, your child learns that shouting is the only way that someone will listen to them. “You’re trying to get them to stop yelling by doing the same thing,” says Locke. Yelling is bad for kids for a variety of reasons. It’s associated with depressive symptoms and can put them at risk of developing lasting mental health problems. Harsh parenting practices can even change your child’s brain structure. Yikes!

But not yelling doesn’t mean you can’t help your children manage their behavior. “A sturdy tone is different than a yell,” says Locke.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

After you yell, notice how you talk to yourself. Instead of saying “I’m such a horrible parent and my kids are the worst,” or “I’m sure other people never have this problem,” try and offer the same kindness you would to a friend, says Yoakley. Tell yourself, “This is so hard right now,” and validate how you feel. When you validate your own anger or shame, it takes away some of its intensity, says Yoakley.

6. Repair, Repair, Repair

“Everyone’s going to yell at their kids sometimes,” says Locke. “The most important thing is what you do after the fact.” Repair is critical after a yelling match. What does repair mean? It’s more than just an apology, says Yoakley. Once everyone is feeling calm, have a conversation with your kids and take responsibility for how you behaved.

Locke provides a sample script of how to talk to your kids after a big shoutfest. “I got overwhelmed. My frustration came out as yelling and here I am, trying to have kids who don’t yell so I’m really working on that. And I’m sorry that it came out that way.”

Explain to your kids, even if they’re really small, that it’s something you’re working on and that it’s a “you” problem, not a “them” problem, says Locke.

“It’s important to tell your kids that it’s never okay for you to yell at them. Even if you were angry,” says Yoakley. Ask them how the fight made them feel. Did it make them feel sad, or scared? Let them express their feelings and wrap up the repair with a hug.

This viral Ted Talk by Dr. Becky Kennedy has more details on how to repair with your kids.

7. Quit Yelling About The Small Stuff

It’s pretty easy to get into a shouting routine and use it to get your kids to listen. Many parents yell at their kids when they’re not paying attention, when they spill their water (again!), or when they just won’t do the thing you’ve asked. While it’s one thing to occasionally yell when your kids misbehave, it’s another behavior altogether when you use it consistently. Your kids are more likely to tune you out, and you’re more likely to feel even worse about yourself.

Related: 9 ‘Harmless’ Phrases That Hurt Kids More Than You Think

If you know you’re going to blow on occasion, like when your kids decide it’s WrestleMania time, try and dial back your regular, everyday shouting. Instead of yelling up the stairs that “Dinner is on the table NOW,” calmly walk closer to them and announce that it’s time to eat. Or if you sense a shouting match coming with a kid who doesn’t want to clean up their toys, try completely flipping the script and using the “whisper technique.”

8. Set Yourself Up for Success

If you find you just can’t get on top of things, it’s time to get proactive. Is the morning rush always a huge trigger? What can you do the night before to make it easier and prevent a situation where you end up yelling? Set expectations for your kids and yourself. Ask them to pick out their clothes the night before. If breakfast is always a disaster, simplify what you offer. If you can, Locke recommends getting up earlier than your kids so that you have a few moments to yourself before the chaos begins. You can use a reward chart with before-school tasks if the morning is really dragging, but kids should get the hang of things if you have clear and consistent expectations and you don’t ask them to do too many things at once. Whatever event usually causes the most issues, ask yourself what you can do to get through those stressful moments more smoothly.

9. Keep Working On It

Two things can be true, says Yoakley. You can yell and be a good parent. The more you practice remaining calm and controlling the shouting, over time you’ll likely yell less, and your kids will cooperate more.

“As long as you keep trying, that’s more important than never yelling,” says Locke. “I think when we shame parents, it actually makes them less able to change.”

It’s not always your problem to solve

You might think “mean girls,” shifting friendships, and popularity contests are a rite of passage reserved for teenagers—but the truth is, this brand of schoolyard drama starts in elementary school.

And it’s not just girls. In fact, according to a study by the University of Illinois, kids of both genders are aware of popularity issues as early as third grade. And while this survey of 12,000 elementary and middle school kids found that 41 to 48 percent of girls reported experiencing relational aggression (teasing, social exclusion, and rumor-spreading), another study actually found that it is boys who use this sort of aggression more.

So get ready, because there will likely be a day when your otherwise confident child will come home from school and tell you something that’ll make your heart sink. And while you may want to swoop in and come to the rescue (or stomp right up to the mean kid himself), experts say parents should navigate this territory carefully.

“The child is looking to us not just to solve the problem, but to know how to feel about the problem,” said Abigail Wald, a parent coach whose nontraditional coaching program, Mother Flipping Awesome, has helped more than 10,000 families, And if we are thinking, ‘This is the worst thing to ever happen,’ that sets off alarm bells for the child and makes a mountain out of a molehill very quickly.”

And remember: the drama your kids face now can help build the resilience they’ll need later.

“One thing we can do is change our perception of these things and realize that yes they are annoying for us—and sometimes they can feel downright heartbreaking—but essentially these things are really good,” Wald said. “These are good training wheels dramas for everything that our children are going to have to deal with throughout their lives.”

Here are some scenarios to consider: 

When a classmate (or friend) is mean

what to do when kids fight, like these two girls fighting at school
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Before you jump to conclusions, try to help your child see the other side: maybe the “mean kid” felt hurt by something your child said to her. Maybe the child is dealing with something difficult in her own life. Or maybe you just need to teach your child to rise above the conflict. So listen—and ask questions.

“This is a beautiful opportunity for us to help our child learn values and coping skills,” Wald said. “Discuss with the child what choices the other person is making and what that child might be needing, or consider that their friend might be hurt and taking it out in these ways.” 

You can also try to role-play future interactions to outfit your child for future encounters. Ask your child to play their part, while you play the part of the friend and play out different scenarios to see what options your child may have to handle the problem.

The advantage to this sort of approach, Wald said, is that even tight-lipped kids may end up showing you a lot more about what’s going on than if you had just asked them, “What happened?”

“We can also discuss whether that is somebody they really want in their life or not,” she added. 

Related: Mean or Bullying Behavior – Helping Kids See the Difference

When you suspect bullying

kids fighting at school
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If you suspect your child may be the victim of bullying, that’s one of those times when you should definitely get involved—by more than just empathizing. (Here’s how to recognize the emotional and physical signs that your kid is being bullied, according to the National Center Against Bullying.)

Immediately reach out to the school—first your child’s teacher, then the principal—to make them aware of the situation. Most schools have strict anti-bullying policies and should attend to any suspicions immediately and will respond to complaints quickly.

If you sense that your child is having feelings of self-harm or that there is actual bullying going on—physical or emotional—that is truly unsafe, that is a time to step in to engage other adults and figure out what the options are,” Wald said.  

When a good friend moves to a different “group”

While your heart might break along with your child’s, you want to resist the urge to “fix it,” just be there with your child’s feelings.

According to Sacramento psychologist Dawn Huebner, parents often rush to make things all better, but this doesn’t help kids—and can even make things worse. 

“You do not want to continue to try to set up playdates if it’s clear to you that the friendship isn’t working anymore,” said  Huebner, who has written several books, including Outsmarting Worry: An Older Kid’s Guide to Managing Anxiety.  “Parents are quick to try to make things OK for them by solving problems or by making it seem like this thing that’s happening isn’t that bad, but when your friend doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, that’s sad. It’s normal to feel sad.”

Consequently, a parent’s first job in this situation is to empathize. Huebner urged parents to think about the sort of support they’d want. For instance, grown-ups don’t like other people solving their problems; most of the time, neither do children.

“The most helpful thing is when another person says, ‘Oh that’s hard. I’m sorry that happened,'” she said. “It’s the same for children.”

When your child isn’t picked for a team/invited to a party

dad comforting sad child
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It’s hard for anyone to feel left out—and there’s nothing a parent can really do to make this feeling go away (at least not right away). But instead of trying to distract your child, experts say parents should simply sit with their children and let them feel all their feelings. Empathize, but don’t solve. This helps build coping skills for the future.

“You don’t want to distract the child to compensate; that’s a mistake,” Huebner said. “You want to start with, ‘That’s hard.’ Because sometimes we don’t have the answers. You can say, ‘I don’t know why your friend didn’t invite you. It’s hard to be left out. You’re just kind of commiserating.”

When your child doesn’t want your advice

The hardest part about watching our kids unravel over a seemingly small drama is resisting the urge to tell them what to do. After all, we may know a quick fix. Why can’t we just give them the directions?

Because, most likely, your kids don’t want your input unless they’ve actually asked you for it. So tread lightly.

“You want to hear them and be compassionate about it, but that’s different than agreeing with them,” Huebner said. “Then  you can say something like, ‘Do you want to hear my ideas?’ Or, ‘Do you want some help sorting this out?'”

Related: How to Help Children Express Their Feelings at Every Age

No matter how hard you try to avoid it, there’s always going to be a moment when your child gets down in the dumps. Maybe they lost a beloved toy on a family trip or accidentally dropped their ice cream cone. Perhaps their favorite book or TV series got discontinued. Sometimes they’re dealing with even larger problems, like when a best friend switches schools or a family member passes away.

In our efforts to help our littles, we might offer some words that we think are helpful. But as parents and caregivers, we have to be careful of what not to say when our kids are sad. Sometimes our words can come off as harsh, while other times they can even make the situation worse. Our kids might feel like we don’t really understand or care about their pain. So how do we help them through these difficult moments? For starters, avoid saying these phrases when your kid is sad:

“Why are you being so sensitive?”

Daniel Rinaldi, a therapist with experience working with children and families, says parents should show empathy and understanding, “especially when validating sad emotions for their children.”

“The language and tone we use can help a child to feel heard, understood, and safe,” says Rinaldi. “Try instead saying, ‘I can see you’re experiencing some tricky emotions. Everyone is different and it is okay to show sensitivity. I’ll be here for you while you work through these emotions,’” he adds.

Anything that insinuates that crying is bad.

Everyone should be allowed to express their emotions, and that especially goes for children, who are still navigating emotional regulation. “(Saying “don’t cry”) tends to encourage pushing down and hiding feelings,” says Dr. Sean Akers, a pediatric psychologist at Children’s Hospital Medical Center in Omaha.

“A better way to phrase that would be, ‘I want you to know that crying is a healthy way of expressing your emotions. I’m here to help you if you need it,’” adds Rinaldi.

“Others have it worse.”

While that may be true in some ways, reminding a child about this when they’re in distress isn’t the best time to say it. “Sadness is not a competition, and comparing experiences with others tends to make it worse,” says Dr. Akers.

If your child is frequently getting sad over “smaller” problems, having conversations (when they are no longer distressed) around gratitude, and differentiating between small, medium, and large problems so they can gain more perspective could be beneficial.

“You’re so much more difficult than _____.”

Just like sadness isn’t a competition, we also don’t want to entertain the idea that your child is more “difficult” than a sibling, friend, or other loved one just because they are struggling with their emotions.

“This phrase invalidates a child’s unique way of interacting with and understanding the world,” says Taylor Lindskoog (MHC-LP) from Empower Your Mind Therapy. “It emphasizes that they are wrong or inferior compared to their siblings (or others). This negatively impacts the child’s self-esteem and may damage their bond with siblings due to jealousy, competitiveness, or resentment,” she says.

Related: 9 ‘Harmless’ Phrases That Hurt Kids More Than You Think

dad consoling a sad child
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“It’s not that big of a deal.”

Similar to the previous, Dr. Nikki Hurst, Principal Therapist and Therapeutic Content Lead at Embodied, Inc., makers of Moxie Robot, recommends avoiding this problematic phrase.

“Children’s perceptions of situations and the way they experience things are very different from adults, and a situation that may not seem like a big deal to us may be a big deal for a child. It’s important to avoid phrases such as these because we don’t want to invalidate our child’s feelings and experiences,” says Dr. Hurst. “This could cause them to be less open with us, and more unwilling to talk about their feelings or trust us with them.”

While Dr. Hurst says we don’t have to totally agree that their small problem is actually a big problem or even turn it into one, we can always use language that validates their feelings and encourages kids to talk about the issue.

“You don’t have any reason to be sad.”

“While we know many stressors and loss can make us feel sad, we also know some kids feel sad without clear reason,” says Dr. Myo Thwin Myint of Children’s Hospital New Orleans Behavioral Health. He says this can be due to everything from family history and genetics, to the interplay of mind, body, and environment. Other times it might simply be because the child hasn’t had a chance to share their reasons.

Instead of saying the above phrase, Dr. Myint offers the alternative phrase, “We all feel sad sometimes; I would love to hear if you know why you feel sad” in order to check in with the child and have an opportunity to help them with their stressors or even seek out professional help.

“Act like a big (kid)!”

“Kids are meant to be kids, and being a kid sometimes comes with big feelings and emotions,” says Dr. Hurst. And those big emotions don’t necessarily go away once they’re older, she says.

“We want to encourage children to be able to express their feelings at any age. As they get older, we want to continue to give them the tools to be able to start regulating their emotions on their own as well as the language to ask for help when they need it,” she says. Dr. Hurst recommends using language like, “It’s okay to feel sad. Do you want to talk about it?”

Anything that perpetuates toxic positivity.

Many of us have heard phrases like “turn that frown upside down!” in our lives, especially as children. And many of us also remember how annoying and dismissive it felt. While people who say this might have the best of intentions in wanting to cheer us (or their children) up, there’s no need for it.

Phrases like “Smile and think positive!” tend to be “minimizing and dismissive,” according to Dr. Akers.

Instead of saying something like “Why can’t you just cheer up and be happy?” Rinaldi recommends a phrase like “You are feeling sad and you have the right to feel that way. Take your time and I will be here when you need to talk.”

“Get over it.”

“Just as many physical symptoms may not get better with simple willpower, sadness may not be something kids can get over,” says Dr. Myint. “Changing the way we think when we feel sad may help, such as in aspects of cognitive behavioral therapy, many of us may not know how to do it well and effectively,” he says.

Instead of saying this, he suggests helping the child figure out ways they can feel less sad, enlisting professional help if and when necessary, and explaining to the child that there are people whose job it is to help kids feel less sad.

Related: 9 Expert Tips to Help Kids Deal with Disappointment

With so many questions swirling around pacifier weaning, it’s hard to know when to take away the pacifier and when to let kids keep it

Ahhh. The sweet sound of satisfying silence when the pacifier does its job soothing a fussy baby. But there’s a moment in many parents’ lives when they go from praising the pacifier for the peace and comfort it brings their child (and everyone else in the house) to nonstop worrying over their aging toddler’s attachment to the nuk. So we chatted with a pediatrician, a psychologist, and a child behavior specialist for their insights and tips on the right time and age to call it quits with the paci, and exactly how to do it. For all the parents out there who have ever wondered when to take the pacifier away, these pacifier weaning tricks are for you.

But First: Why We Love Pacifiers

“Babies are born with an inherent need to suck—the sucking reflex,” says Lauren Crosby, MD, FAAP, of La Peer Pediatrics. Pacifiers do a great job of satisfying that need (and can even give a breastfeeding mom’s nipples a break) while also soothing a baby, especially during times when they’re upset or falling asleep. It has also been shown that using a pacifier can reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), Crosby adds. Not all babies take to pacis, but those who do can really benefit from their simple magic.

Related: My Son Is Almost Three and Still Uses a Pacifier

Pacifier Weaning Tips

1. Time It Well

Saying goodbye to the binky can be done at almost any time, depending upon what works for the baby and the parents or caregivers. But there are some key guidelines that experts recommend. According to Sari Broda, a certified child sleep consultant, certified lactation counselor and child behavior specialist on the Parenting + network, a baby’s strong desire to suck drops between 4 and 6 months. At that point, the pacifier becomes more of a soothing object and sleep cue than an actual need, so this is one window of opportunity where you may want to stop offering it. If you don’t ditch the paci in the first year though, Broda recommends waiting until the child is 3 years old; otherwise, taking it away can really disrupt your tot’s sleep. That being said, she has seen some families successfully drop the paci between 1 and 3 years without any major issues.

Crosby notes that using the paci past age 1 can delay speech and inhibit proper word articulation, and past age 3 may result in tooth alignment issues. If your child is getting frequent ear infections (studies have shown a correlation between the two), then you may want to get rid of it sooner. What’s more, some little ones wake throughout the night crying for the paci to be put back in. If that’s not working for your family, then you should feel empowered to stop using the pacifier. Just be sure to avoid the transition right before a major life event, like moving homes.

Licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Bren, Ph.D., also on the Parenting + network, urges parents to help their children prepare in advance for any kind of transition, whether it’s saying goodbye to a pacifier, starting a new daycare program, welcoming a new sibling into the family or moving into a big kid bed. Talk about the feelings they might have and what they can do. “You might feel frustrated if you’re upset and want your pacifier. What can you do instead?” Involving children in the process helps them feel more in control and will tap into their early problem-solving skills.

This advice not only applies to older toddlers, but to babies as well. “We need to talk to our kids about everything,” Broda says. “Even if it’s a 6-month-old… explain it to them.” Tell your baby that they’ll no longer be using the pacifier and that you know they’ll still be okay. Your baby may cry for a few nights or struggle to sleep, in which case you might want to do some sleep training, Broda says. But it shouldn’t drag on for weeks because it’s typically an easier transition to drop the paci before 12 months.

With older toddlers, you can have more of a dialogue, of course. Maybe tell a silly story about the pacifier and why it’s leaving your home, or give your kiddo a lovey blanket or stuffed animal for comfort, Broda suggests. Keep the conversation positive and upbeat.

 

a toddler with a pacifier in her mouth wearing a strawberry shirt is wondering when to get rid of the pacifier
Jorge Barros via Unsplash

2. Limit Use

If your child is using the pacifier all the time, you can start to limit it to sleep or stressful situations like doctor’s visits, Crosby says. Then you can either go cold turkey by cutting off the tip or acting as the binky fairy and taking the pacifier at night while leaving a gift for your child. If you prefer a more gradual approach, you can help your child hold a favorite lovey and take deep “magic breaths” together, Crosby says. Or praise your child for their patience as you stretch out the time (first just seconds, then work up to minutes) before you hand over the pacifier. And be sure to do something supportive to help your child manage the waiting, like read together or play hand games.

3. Don’t Link the Pacifier to Being a Baby

As tempting as it may be to tell your child that pacifiers are for babies, don’t do it. They are going to want it sometimes, says Bren, and saying “You’re a big girl/boy now,” will just confuse them or make them feel ambivalent about it all. Normalize the fact that it’s a tricky process and you’ll remove the shame from the experience. And rest assured that this type of development can fluctuate. Your child will feel like a big kid one day and more like a baby the next. And that’s okay!

4. Allow Kids to Be Upset

As with any big change, you can expect your child to feel sad or mad about their pacifier not being readily available. Allow them to be upset, validate their feelings and reflect it back to them before you plug them with a pacifier, Bren says. Try saying: “You’re feeling frustrated. I understand. We’re not going to have pacis right now. But we can [do another activity, like read a book, cuddle on the couch, hug your Teddy bear].” The idea is to move more slowly and mindfully and to give your child the time and space to feel a range of emotions rather than turn off their distress like a light switch.

And if your child is having a hard time, try to muster as much patience and empathy as you can, Crosby adds. Try to be consistent and calm, even as they’re upset. Then just keep yourselves busy with plenty of distracting activities.

5. Gather Your Support System

This is one of those times when it’s important to reach out to friends and family for support. You could let them know the transition you’re about to make and ask for advice or their help, whether that’s dropping off dinners for the week you’re pulling the paci or babysitting for a few hours while you catch a break.

6. Stick with the Plan

Consistency is very important, especially for older kids, so once you come up with a plan that works for your family, you should stick to it, Broda says. Provide your little one with a routine and predictable expectations to help ensure that saying goodbye to the paci is as quick of a process as possible.

Photo: Slumberkins

The holidays can be a great time to practice conflict resolution skills. More people + more perspectives = more conflict. Whether it’s with partners, family members, or children, some of the same skills can work for us all. Try using the four C’s of Conflict Resolution: Calm, Curiosity, Collaboration and Connection when conflict emerges.

1. Calm: Try using positive self-talk or taking deep breaths to calm yourself when conflict emerges. Maybe say to yourself, “I can handle this conflict, I’ve got this.” We are much better able to navigate conflict when we have our body calm and regulated. This also helps those around us regulate too since emotions can be contagious.

2. Curiosity: Use curiosity to explore what the other person is trying to communicate. You don’t have to agree with them, but try reflecting back to them what you hear them say. “I see, you are thinking that pumpkin pie would be better than pecan this year.” This helps the other person feel heard and understood and helps you move into a place of understanding, from which you can problem solve.

3. Collaboration: Explore the possibilities of problem-solving the conflict. Take the time to express your own perspective and see if you can encourage the other person to engage with you in coming up with creative solutions. Even children can learn to do this. Is there a solution that could lead to everyone being happy? If not, what would be another creative option.

4. Connection: Whether you came up with a mutual solution, or ended with an “agree to disagree” scenario, we can almost always find a way to connect and repair with the ones we love. Letting a child know, “it’s okay to be sad about my decision” or letting a relative know, “I hear how disappointing it is to change plans this year. I feel sad about it too. I cannot wait to see you again next year.” can remind us that conflict is a natural part of relationships and we can get through these moments with love and connection.

There are many resources and tools available these days to support young children in learning these conflict resolution skills early on. Slumberkins Conflict Resolution Collection with Hammerhead Shark offers more tools and support for moving through these moments together.

 

Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen are co-founders of Slumberkins, a children's brand supporting social-emotional learning for children. Kelly has a dual master's degree in family therapy and school counseling, and Callie has a master's degree in teaching. Both are passionate about teaching children social-emotional skills to thrive in our modern world. 

For many families, the holidays are synonymous with spending time with family. However, some years that’s just not possible. Whether you can’t spend the holidays with loved ones because of the pandemic, a December due date, or work demands that make travel difficult, we have plenty of tips for staying connected and making the holidays memorable.

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1. Stay connected throughout the festivities.
Before the holidays, figure out how everyone who is usually together can get connected virtually. Poll your people before the big day and make a plan in place to chat via FaceTime, Skype, Zoom or Duo. A great gift to ensure this happens would be a Google Nest Hub with video capabilities. Set one up in each household and check in throughout the day. Kids can call just by saying, “Hey Google, call Grandma” to say thank-you for a present, you can leave the video chat open for hours while opening presents Christmas morning. It’s easy for Grandma to use too!

2. Take photos.
Keep your cell phones handy throughout the day so you have plenty of memories to share with friends and family later. Document everything from waking up to opening gifts and eating the day’s big meal. Take a photo at least once an hour on the top of the hour, or more often if you feel up to it. If you have an old cell phone lying around, give it to your kid(s) so they can share the day from their perspective too!

3. Focus on who you are with instead of who is missing.
It’s okay to feel sad about not being with loved ones during the holidays, but a silver lining is that you have more time and attention to focus on those you are with. Instead of dwelling on what you're missing, take the time to enjoy a low(er) pressure holiday where you can really focus on the small group you have nearby.

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4. Keep old traditions going.
Although holidays away from family mean you will miss some holiday traditions, you may be able to figure out modifications for others. Like, if your mother or uncle always makes a special dessert, get the recipe and make it yourself. Or, since having kids sit on Santa’s lap is likely out this year, visit St. Nick virtually. One options is Jingle Ring. For under $25,  kids can invite grandparents and cousins to join in the (virtual) magic from afar.

5. Create new family traditions.
Find a new favorite light display in your neighborhood, write down something you're grateful for every day and read them all aloud during your holiday celebration, or choose a new book to read together on Christmas Eve. Here are more ideas for holiday traditions to start with your baby.

6. Plan holiday activities to do together.
Even though you can't be together, you can still plan activities to do together. Get cousins the same advent calendar like this Elf on the Shelf Advent North Pole Calendar Train that comes with figures kids can use during virtual playdates in the countdown to Christmas. Tracking Santa through NORAD or dishing about great Black Friday deals can be almost as fun virtually as it is in person. Grandma can read The Night Before Christmas or The Very Hungry Caterpiller's Eight Nights of Chanukah over FaceTime. Watch a holiday movie together using Disney+ hangout or Netflix Party while eating the same snacks. Instead of cooking an elaborate meal for just a few people, decide that everyone will order a feast from somewhere that ships nationwide like Veestro. Or, order kits like these from Global Grub that come pre-packaged with almost everything you need to make delicious dishes like mochi ice cream or ravioli together over Facetime or Zoom. Get creative!

sisters dancing in christmas living room
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7. Make a shared playlist.
Another way to experience the holidays together while apart is to create a virtual musical playlist. Make your playlist full of holiday classics or include everyone’s non-holiday favorites, from grunge to Cardi B. Sharing the same soundtrack for the day can make you feel closer together and bring back shared memories tied to the songs.

8. Have a matchy holiday.
Not only will matching clothing make your holidays Insta-ready, it’s another way to feel connected when you are far apart. Matching attire can also double as a great gift. Check out affordable matching PJs from Pat-Pat or custom shirts from Etsy shop MinnieMadeit. For a less expensive but still super cute option, coordinate socks with funny sayings from Lavley; wear socks with the same message or customize them to each person's interests or personality. These would be especially appealing to anyone who is reluctant to go full-fledged matchy-matchy.

9. Exchange gifts.
When you mail gifts to family and friends, include a note letting them know what you love about them and what you miss about spending the holidays with them. To simplify gift-giving, create a virtual secret Santa. Also, keep in mind that when you are apart, gifts from the heart are even more meaningful. A Little Love Jar filled with personalized notes from friends and family from all over will be treasured and will keep giving as the lucky recipient reads the notes over and over again.

COVID-19 has dealt devastating blows to families across the country and the world. In addition to the fear and anxiety, a deep level of sadness has accompanied the virus as it has traveled from community to community. The loss of jobs, loss of income, being prohibited from seeing family members during state-mandated social isolation—all of which have taken a toll on young and old alike.

Aside from the loss of life and the work of first responders, I do believe that the heaviest weight has fallen on families with school-age children. Developmentally, younger kids are not in a place to fully comprehend the far-reaching implications of a global pandemic. All that children know is that they’ve missed out on the end of the 2020 school year with their friends and teachers. Student-athletes have lost entire sports seasons. Seniors have lost their senior prom, traditional graduation ceremony, last high school choir concert, baseball game, track meet, or musical. The multiple losses of significant life events, like funerals, graduations, and weddings, coupled with the loss of social contact, and loss of predictability, and stability in routines have led to a real emotional crisis for kids as well as parents.

As a mental health professional, I find myself more and more coaching families through the grief of these losses. It’s easy—too easy—to trivialize and invalidate the feelings that kids are going through. For example, I have seen a number of social media posts alluding to the fact that, decades ago, 18-year-olds were being shipped to Vietnam after the draft, and that losing prom and graduation is a ridiculous “loss” compared to that much more serious sacrifice. Well, of course losing graduation isn’t that same as being sent off to war, but that doesn’t mean that teens aren’t going to grieve the loss of events and milestones that were important to them. These are events that they (and their parents) had looked forward to their entire lives. In the very same way, the loss of graduation for seniors does not invalidate the sadness of a grieving grade-schooler who is missing all of the fun and friendship they had each day at school.

Here are the most important things I think kids need right now to manage these losses and help them become happier and more resilient children.

1. Offer a listening ear. Parents need to listen for the small cues kids will give that can open up meaningful conversation.

2. Validate Feelings. You may be tempted to encourage your child to quickly reframe their negative feelings about the losses at this time, but don’t rush it. People need to learn to wrestle their way out of a bad mood themselves. If your child expresses being upset because of a loss from COVID, you can tell them that you hear that they are sad and frustrated, then ask what they think they need at this time to help. If they are unsure you can make gentle suggestions: to see a friend (whether virtually or in person at a park), a hug, some time alone, or an activity to distract them from feeling down. Let them lead the healing after you’ve validated that their feelings are real and legitimate.

3. Describe what it means to grieve over a loss to your child. Explain how difficult it can be to move on when something is gone that can’t be replaced. How it’s normal to be upset when everything in life seems to change in a moment, and when you can’t be around people you care about. Share with them that they will likely feel sad, frustrated, even angry at the losses. This will help normalize the emotions they are experiencing and remind them that you not only care but also understand what’s going on. You will be narrating the experience to them on an emotional level, which is something all children need in uncertain times.

4. Try to keep in mind that everyone is struggling right now to some degree. Outbursts, snappy comeback, and frustration with the people around us are to be expected. Try your best to see the hurt instead of the behavior. If we aspire to this, our kids will see that we are safe people they can trust with big emotions and will express them to us instead of turning toward unhealthy coping skills later.

It isn’t easy getting through times like these. But with some focus on the emotional processing of the grief we all share from losing so much, it can be done.

Erin Wiley, MA, LPC, LPCC, is a clinical psychotherapist and the Executive Director of The Willow Center, a counseling practice in Toledo, Ohio. The clinical focus of her therapy work is marriage, family, parenting, and relationships. She has extensive training in marriage counseling from the Gottman Institute.