ML Interest Tag: forgiveness

When Your Toddler Absolutely Loses It in Public

By Leah Day

Twelve years ago. Storytime at the public library. Ten little three-year-olds sit on their bottoms watching the librarian perform a lively and entertaining puppet show. The children’s mothers lounge on the floor by their children, laughing along with them and delighting in the enraptured look on their young faces.

Except for one mother. Me. I try to look relaxed and engaged, but the truth is my internal pressure gauge is rapidly rising. Oakley is not sitting with me. He has wiggled out of my grasp and is now in the front of the room trying to converse with the puppets in the show. He keeps leaning his head into the puppet theater to see where they go when they are not on the stage. He is speaking loudly, asking the people in the audience where they are hiding, and pushing against the flimsy puppet stage in an uncoordinated manner.

“Oakley, come sit down,” I say as gently as possible. As if. I know all too well where this is heading. He shoots me a look, full of impish daring. I eye the nearest exit. It seems miles across the library. “Oakley, come here.”

I start to crawl up to where he stands in front of the crowd. My cheeks redden, and I feel uncontrollably hot. Why did I ever try to bring him here? Something about the fluorescent lights, the quiet tones, and the cavernous space always makes Oakley become unglued. I must have had a lapse in judgment when I thought it would be fun.

Oakley looks at me again, grins, and snatches a puppet right off the librarian’s hand. “No Oakley!” I half-shout and half-groan. I reach for him, but it is too late; he is off. All the mothers smile sympathetically at me, and the librarian pops her head up. “Uh-oh,” she says.

Uh-oh nothing… this is just the beginning. I stand up and walk swiftly after Oakley. I do not dare run in the library. “Oakley,” I call in my best public I-can-handle-this voice. “This is not funny. Come back.” He darts between two shelves of books and sprints with the puppet in his hand to the farthest recesses of the library; I am in hot pursuit. He weaves from one aisle to the next and squeals with delight as I gain on him. “Oakley,” I hiss when I think no one can hear. “Stop.”

He is little but nimble, and without sprinting, there is no way I can get him. He seems to know that I don’t want an embarrassing scene and uses it to his advantage. He zooms out to the study corral area and shrieks with unbridled joy. He is obviously enjoying the sound of his own voice bouncing off the high ceilings in this quiet atmosphere.

People all around the library are now watching: Many look annoyed, a few curious about who will win our little game of tag, and one or two look genuinely sympathetic. The puppet show lady is now standing up staring at our spectacle, and all the children who were watching her show are now watching our show. As he flies by the check-out area, another librarian calls out, “He can’t do that in here!” Obviously, I think, but I just smile at her and weakly reply that I know.

He spins down a reference aisle, and I start to lose it. I am now openly running, realizing that it is the only way. Again I hiss, “ Stop or I will pull your ear!” Somehow that sounds more dignified than shouting that I will spank him. I close the gap between us, then lunge. I grab the back of his shirt and pull him to me. His squeals of delight turn to screams of outrage. “Let me go. Let me go!” He thrashes and writhes, and I can barely hold him.

Tucking his 40-pound body under my arm in a football hold, I try to walk back to the children’s section to return the puppet. It is no easy task. Sweat covers my body. He is putting up an intense fight to match his intense fury. I return the puppet and beg forgiveness. The mothers are no longer smiling; many are averting their eyes.

I realize that I can not leave the library carrying him and our assorted bags while he is tantrum-ing, and we have to get out of here. So, praying no one in this library knows me, I take his jacket and tie it around his arms and torso like a straight jacket. I tie it in the back, grasp the knot tightly in one hand, hold our things in the other, and drag him against his will out of the library like a trussed turkey. Everyone watching us.

Finally, we make our way out the doors and onto the sidewalk. Exhausted and in desperate need of a regroup, I sit us both down on the curb. I look at Oakley. The fresh air has stilled him. He is not screaming anymore; he has moved on and is blissfully watching the cars pass by.

“Oakley, you can’t do that. It makes mama so sad.”

“You proud of me?” he asks.

“No, Oakley. I am angry that you ran away and screamed in the library.”

“Don’t be angry. Be proud!” Oakley grins wildly, and his eyes shine.

It is obvious that he doesn’t get it. He thinks that we just played a romping game of chase. He was only angry because he lost. Now he sparkles. “Ugh,” I groan. How can I love this little nut so much? Another trip to the library, another year off my life.

This story sums up Oakley’s and my life together. He has brought me to my knees countless times and filled my heart to the brim with pride. He has an incredible love of life and readiness to take on the world. Now, at 15, he bikes on six-foot-tall unicycles, does backflips, juggles, and still laughs with maniacal glee. He is still the same nut he was at three—and he still doesn’t do well keeping his bum on the floor.

Originally posted February 2019.

RELATED LINKS
Knowing When to Let My Son Take the Lead Has Never Been Easy
Loving My Wild Child Means Fully Accepting His Extremes
5 Ways to Deal with Toddler Tantrums (without Losing Your Cool)

Beginning in August 2019, my son Oakley and I will cycle across America over the course of three months. Oakley is a spirited 15-year-old boy who has always struggled to fit into the confines of mainstream culture. I am Leah, his mother—and we are ready for adventure.

 

 

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13 Fred Rogers Quotes about Kindness That We Need Now More Than Ever

by Kate Loweth

Some days we wish we could escape on a shiny red trolley to the Neighborhood of Make-believe, where a kind-hearted man in a zip-up sweater explains away all the scary things happening in the world. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood when you remember these important words of wisdom. Read on for some of our favorite Fred Rogers quotes about kindness, compassion and empathy.

1. Fred Rogers on Strength

mrrogersmovie via Instagram

"Most of us, I believe, admire strength. It's something we tend to respect in others, desire for ourselves, and wish for our children. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we confuse strength and other words--like aggression and even violence. Real strength is neither male nor female; but is, quite simply, one of the finest characteristics that any human being can possess."

2. Fred Rogers on Important Historical Events

Dr. François S. Clemmons via Wikimedia Commons

"A high school student wrote to ask, 'What was the greatest event in American history?' I can't say. However, I suspect that like so many 'great' events, it was something very simple and very quiet with little or no fanfare (such as someone forgiving someone else for a deep hurt that eventually changed the course of history). The really important 'great' things are never center stage of life's dramas; they're always 'in the wings.' That's why it's so essential for us to be mindful of the humble and the deep rather than the flashy and the superficial."

3. Fred Rogers on Humankind

"One of the greatest dignities of humankind is that each successive generation is invested in the welfare of each new generation."

4. Fred Rogers on Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. Like all of life's important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives."

5. Fred Rogers on Sharing Responsibility

"We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say, 'It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.' Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes."

6. Fred Rogers on Seeing Scary Things on the News

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother's words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers--so many caring people in this world."

7. Fred Rogers on Saying "Yes"

"I hope you're proud of yourself for the times you've said 'yes,' when all it meant was extra work for you and was seemingly helpful only to somebody else."

8. Fred Rogers on Embracing Our Feelings

"There's no 'should' or 'should not' when it comes to having feelings. They're part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings."

9. Fred Rogers on Facing Sadness & Anger

"Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it."

10. Fred Rogers on What Makes Us Special

"As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has—or ever will have—something inside that is unique to all time. It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression."

11. Fred Rogers on Love

"Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now."

12. Fred Rogers on Being True to Yourself

"One of the greatest gifts you can give anybody is the gift of your honest self. I also believe that kids can spot a phony a mile away."

13. Fred Rogers on What Matters Most

"What matters isn't how a person's inner life finally puts together the alphabet and numbers of his outer life. What really matters is whether he uses the alphabet for the declaration of a war or the description of a sunrise--his numbers for the final count at Buchenwald or the specifics of a brand-new bridge."

Now head out into the world and make a snappy new day for yourself.

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Taking the Next Step Is Hard but Crucial

By Jamie Edelbrock

I love walking. I used to walk all the time. It was my escape, my calm, and a way to center myself and organize my thoughts. I don’t walk like I used to when I lived in the U.S. There I could walk for hours breathing in the clean air on the curved walkways and the treelined trails. Now that I live in Indonesia, the hot, muggy weather, crowded streets, and lack of sidewalks keep me inside. I walk indoors on the treadmill, but it’s just not the same as my cherished outdoor walks on the other side of the world.

But today, I decided to give it a try and went on an outside walk. As I mentioned, it was hot, crowded, and busy. Despite that, I found myself caught up in the scenery as I was walking through the streets of Jakarta. I saw the street vendors, tall buildings, the mass of scooters, beggars, beautiful flowers, trees, street cats, lizards, and more. In particular, the leaves on the ground sparked my memory and reminded me of the leaves that would crunch under my feet while walking in America. It caused me to reflect on how far I’ve come in my walking journey. I let my mind wander to the first walk I took by myself. It was during a tough time in my life that left me with mixed feelings of wanting to stay in bed all day or wanting to escape everything. I was working full-time, and I had a family to take care of, so neither was an option, and I decided to take one step at a time. Literally.

I am a natural-born scaredy-cat, and venturing on a walk by myself wasn’t something I’d typically do, but for the sake of my mental health, I knew I had to do something. On my first walk, I walked around my block once. The next day I walked around it twice, and the following day, three. It wasn’t long before I wore out my shoes, walking around my block. I would turn on my music and walk fast until I was ready to come home. Soon, I started walking early in the morning before my kids got up. Sometimes I would walk twice a day so that I could see the sunrise and the sunset. It felt good, but I never ventured from my block because I was comfortable.

I’ve heard it said that when you’re comfortable, you’re not growing, and I found this to be true.

I grew as much as I could walking around my block, and now it was time to take a step towards something else so I could grow—and that’s exactly what I did. Something about the other side of the street caught my attention. It fascinated me, and after a couple of weeks, I gained the courage to cross the street and take my next first steps. I started walking on unfamiliar ground, and with every step, I gained courage. It wasn’t long before I was walking miles and miles of trails throughout my neighborhood.

Taking that first step caused me to get out of my comfort zone, gain courage, and allowed me to move forward.

Since then, I have traveled the world and have walked in places I never imagined my fearful self would go. I’ve walked where Jesus was baptized in the Jordan River valley, hiked to the mountain tops of Petra, walked the ancient grounds of the Roman Colosseum, climbed the holy steps of Scala Sancta, navigated the narrow steps leading to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, hiked the many, many steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower, crossed London’s famous Tower Bridge, explored the hills of St. Thomas USVI, shuffled along the insanely crowded streets of Tokyo, explored the Gothic Quarter in Barcelona, descended below the surface to the wet and rocky ground of cenotes in Mexico, and now the sidewalk-less streets of Jakarta.

My walk today was a good reminder of how far I’ve come in my walking journey and my life journey.

I’m not perfect, and life hasn’t been easy, but along the way, I’ve taken steps to stand up for what’s right, to choose grace, and to ask for forgiveness. I’ve taken steps to move forward, to say no, and to ask for help. I’ve nervously taken the first step to start new jobs, go back to school, and set boundaries. I’ve taken steps to write books, take trips, and speak even when my voice shakes.

Regardless of where it’s leading, taking the first step is usually scary, especially when you feel like it’s impossible to move, but it is crucial. It may not feel like much at first, but each brave step allows you to move forward and gives you the courage to navigate through whatever life throws at you.

My hope for you is that you take your next first step today, wherever it leads because it is worth stepping out of your comfort zone for.

This post originally appeared on www.jamieedelbrock.com.

Jamie is married to her high school sweetheart and has three beautiful daughters. Through years of experience working with children, and raising her own, she knows how difficult parenting can be. She is an advocate for children's mental health and is best known for her creativity, optimism, and kind heart.

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Perfect Parenting Is Being Able to Forgive

By Angela Rainbolt

Have you forgiven yourself? Yes, you read that correctly. Have you forgiven yourself? We are human beings, and we make mistakes. Somehow or another, parent status is synonymous with perfection. We expect it from others, especially now in the digital age, and we expect it from ourselves. We portray images online and cry in private. I am just 13 days away from entering my 30th year of parenting and I can tell you that perfect is not how I would describe those years. They were perfectly broken. They were perfectly difficult. They were perfectly dysfunctional. I think you are starting to understand.

My oldest daughter, who will be 29 in a couple of weeks, has chosen to not talk to me or her sisters for a year and a half now. Mental health issues have been a steady theme in our lives. By the time I found out that I was pregnant with her, I had thought about suicide more times than I care to count, had taken drugs, had drank until I puked, had stayed out all night, had slept with too many guys, flunked out of my freshman year of college, and the list of poor choices goes on. I was looking for validation. I needed someone to make me feel like I was okay. I needed to feel like my presence mattered. I thought having my daughter would change things. I thought that she would give me everything I was looking for. I was scared as hell, but in my young mind I couldn’t come to any other decision but to continue with the pregnancy. 

They say that hindsight is 20/20 but even now I don’t think I know what the right choice was. Perhaps keeping her helped me stay away from some damaging behaviors but not all of them. I continued to use alcohol for many years. I went out at nights trying to find fun and excitement. I had men in and out of my life. I failed at getting my college degree. I quit jobs when things got hard or I didn’t know how to resolve issues. I have thought about the alternatives. But there is not another person that could love her more than I did and do. However, I was broken. Right now, I am, at best, refurbished.

I think about those years more than you could even imagine that I do. I could never find peace and admonished myself many nights in the dark when I was trying to sleep. Once my daughter became an adult, she seemed to get more adjusted as time went on. She was finding her stride and told me thank you many times. I mentioned several times that I was happy that she still loved me. I would tell her this because it was truly how I felt, and I knew that if she could still love me after everything I put her through that maybe I could find a way to forgive myself. In the last few years, I started to allow myself to heal and forgive myself for everything: the poor choices, the yelling, the lack of guidance, the physical punishments, etc. Everything changed this year when you spoke about your recent diagnoses. That telephone conversation brought everything back and the doubt and self-punishment crept back in. This was closely followed by another conversation where you asked me questions that I knew would come someday. Questions that could have been asked a dozen times over the last ten years. 

It is impossible for us to do better until we know better. It really wasn’t until a few years ago that my mind started to get better. I took control of my depression and anxiety. I started walking every day and allowing myself to get in my thoughts and resolve how I felt about my life. I started to lose weight and gain a smile. I started to get more active in my community. I joined the booster club associated with my daughter’s basketball team, made friends, and eventually started to feel like a good person. This was a stark difference to all the parenting years beforehand. I was never involved. I didn’t go to school events and, most of the time, would try to talk my kids out of taking part in things that would require me doing so. My oldest daughter had ADHD and that, combined with my own mental health issues, just made it nearly impossible for me to be an active parent. I was always exhausted, sad, and angry.

And part of the process of knowing better and moving forward is the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process and is never over. We will, most likely, need to continue forgiving ourselves for years to come. I know that I am. Allow yourself to go down the road of forgiveness and you will find yourself in the glorious world of the chaotic perfection that is parenting. I ask you again, have you forgiven yourself? 

I am a single mom of three beautiful daughters ages 29, 20, and 15.  At 50, I am recently divorced and making a career change.  I'm trying to put my BA and my MA to use finally!  My life hasn't always been easy but I feel good about the future!

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Teaching Children to Be a Spark of Good

By Chris Parsons

 

 

 

Photo: iStock

As children grow in the world, they start to slowly look out, and realize that there are other people besides themselves. As the selfish toddler years subside, you can slowly see children start to share, to worry over other’s pains and to think about what people around them would want or need. As a parent, teacher, or guardian, you want to help usher them into being compassionate people. You try to instil some values, some insights, and some moral understanding; but you are also just hoping for the best. Things like TV, school, other children and external stresses can set the wrong example for kids or lead them in a direction you’d rather help them turn from.

Chris Parson’s book, “A Little Spark” helps us realize the kind of resources we have on our side. The story follows the adventures of a little mouse (Spark), and through his diverse trials and tribulations, he learns the importance of believing in himself, not judging others without knowing where they’re coming from, the value of friendship and the essential nature of forgiveness.

It is this cast of lively characters that can help further your discussions of empathy with the children in your life. Telling a child about the importance of sharing is one thing, but it is far more effective to illustrate this lesson through engaging storytelling. This is what “A Little Spark” is all about. The compelling story, hilarious, warm-hearted, or challenging characters and relatable scenarios make the book a great jumping-off point for framing talking points with your young listeners.

In fact, the book is great for entertainment and instruction between parents and children, but it’s actually suited for a lot more than that. Parsons’ vision for the future of his book is to see it used in classrooms and reading groups, to help foster conversations with children about topics of interest and worked with a first-grade class in Texas, in order to explore the applications of the book and its themes. He goes on to explain a little about their experience, “The teacher read the book, and the students listened to the music and discussed the lessons—the teacher, parents, and the kids loved it. Our goal moving forward is to develop a “Be That Spark” program for schools/caregivers focused on helping develop positive character traits in kids.”

How to Discuss Empathy with Children
If you would like to use the book as a way to broach the topic of empathy with your kids, there are some strategies to keep in mind. Try taking a situation from the book and asking how your child would have acted. Or choose a scenario from the book and apply it to the child’s life: how would the child deal with someone who needed help or could benefit from sharing? Ask the child to explain the character’s motivations for being sympathetic or empathetic. And you can also discuss what the word means to you and to them.

During the Discussion, Identify & Reflect on People’s Empathy
Children gain a better understanding of a topic by identifying an action of someone they know during a discussion. While teaching them about empathy, show them an act of kindness and selflessness performed by someone they had seen before, emphasizing both the immediate and long-term benefits of such activity. Furthermore, by appreciating such acts of empathy, the children learn to accept and imbibe the virtue quite easily.

Ask Them to Describe How They Feel When They Show Kindness to Their Friends
Discussing empathy with children should begin with obtaining their understanding of acts of kindness demonstrated between them and their peers. This should be accomplished through the use of subtle questions designed to elicit their natural perspective on empathy. You can ask them how they feel if a classmate is having lunch and has enough of it to spare but refuses to share it with another classmate who has nothing. Make them understand that even the smallest act of kindness, if shown to the classmate without lunch, can go a long way towards relieving his or her hunger and ensuring he/she feels the company of his/her classmates. In a variety of other situations, the emphasis should be on the fact that it is humane to show empathy.

Being aware of and caring about the feelings of others is a quality that everyone should strive for, and it is best instilled in children. Making them aware of this feeling and demonstrating it necessitates a thoughtful discussion. The focus of all discussions with the children should be on identifying the attributes of empathy as it manifests itself in the various situations brought to the children’s attention.

Chris Parsons grew up in Flatrock, Newfoundland. After many years of telling his stories, he published his first book "A Little Spark" in October 2020. The book is a fully illustrated chapter book - complete with a Soundtrack and Audiobook. The book recently received the Mom's Choice Gold Medal. He resides in Dallas.

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Where Has the Time Gone?

By Samira Soto

As we approach your 3rd birthday I can’t help but reflect back on these past years.

It’s just been you and me from the start.

And although some days feel like an eternity, I still catch myself wondering, ‘Where has the time gone?’

God made me the luckiest woman alive when he chose me to be your mom.

Thank you for your tender kisses, and for your ferocious hugs.

For showing me in return all the heart and soul I have poured into you, and for your gentle ‘I love you’s’ to remind me of why I will never stop.

Thank you for making me a better mom every day. 

For teaching me more patience than I ever knew I was capable of, and for still loving me unconditionally in the times I don’t.

Thank you for your strength and perseverance.

For reminding me every day of the miracle of a spoken word, and for giving me every reason to believe in hope for the future.

 

Thank you for being uniquely you.

For allowing me to step into your world, to see all the wonder, magic, and beauty within, and for your forgiveness in the times I can’t always.

 

Thank you for the lives you are touching, and the mindsets you are changing.

For these people will now move forward in their lives with a better understanding of autism, and hopefully will walk through society with more compassion because of you.

 

You and this world of wonder that I call autism have taught me amazing things about life this past year that I don’t think I would’ve experienced if not for you two.

You’ve both have taught me how to turn my grief into gratitude. 

Pain into perseverance.

Sorrows into sacrifices.

 

It’s surreal to say that a little boy so curious and charming like you, and a world I knew nothing about could teach me the most important things about this life.
 

I’d choose you in every lifetime Kanen.

The goofiest little goober, I love you more than you’ll ever understand.
 

Your mom,

Samira

Samira is a 25 year old single mom to a 2 year old son Kanen Arley. Her son Kanen was diagnosed with severe non-verbal autism in September of 2020, which inspired her to start sharing their journey through My Charming Arley on Facebook and Samirasstella on Instagram.

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The Power of Forgiveness

By Chris Parsons

It’s funny what kids can teach you. Recently, a good friend of mine told me a story about a problem his daughter was having with one of her friends. She told him how upset she was because her friend had said something mean to her, and the comment, according to his daughter, was unforgivable.

But then, my friend said, he watched as his daughter reflected about what she just said to him. She shook her head and said, “No, that’s not right. I still want to be friends with her.”

She proceeded to tell him she would forgive her friend in the end. His daughter said she could see herself making the same mistake her friend did. And besides, she noted, their friendship would become stronger because of what happened.

He told me how astonished he was watching the whole scene play out in front of him, and he wondered aloud how could a child show so much empathy?

Afterward, it got me to thinking the world would be a much better place if we all could show more empathy and forgiveness in our lives. And maybe, if we taught our children to be more forgiving, then maybe we could be more forgiving ourselves.

To Forgive Others, First Forgive Yourself

We are often our own worst critics, especially children. How often have you heard your child say to themselves, “I’m not good at this” or “this is too hard for me”?

Maybe the first step in teaching the value of forgiveness to is to teach our children to forgive themselves. If we’re angry with ourselves, then it shouldn’t come as a surprise when that anger and resentment comes pouring out at those around us.

The awesomeness of teaching your child to forgive themselves is that it instills in them a self-confidence that allows them to project a kindness onto others.

With young children (ages 4-6), it’s important we start to build this foundation early. We can do so by sitting and reading picture books with our child that demonstrate the value of love and understanding. Dr. Seuss’s Horton Hears a Who! is wonderful example of a story showing how every being brings value to this world.

Even with older children, the power of story is a valuable tool in teaching life lessons, including forgiveness. There are countless examples of stories with powerful messages. Encourage your child to read such stories.

Teach by Example

Like it or not, your child watches you carefully and takes cues from your behavior. What better way to teach forgiveness then to demonstrate it regularly with your spouse or the rest of your family. Openly ask for forgiveness from your spouse and be sure to extend it when your spouse asks for it.

These lessons can apply to spouses, between you and your kids, and between siblings. I’m not sure about you, but my kids bicker regularly, which provides countless opportunities to practice the principles of forgiveness.

An important key is to ensure the forgiveness is genuine. Our children are more insightful than you would think. Forgiveness shouldn’t be forced. Allow time for everyone to cool off if it’s necessary. If days are required, then days are what it takes. Nothing will be resolved if forgiveness is forced.

And through your actions, teach that forgiveness is not conditional. Teach that forgiveness does not have to be reciprocated. Yes, for reconciliation to occur, two people must come together. But at the very least, teach that it’s ok to forgive even if the other person does not.

When the fight is between siblings, it’s the perfect opportunity to teach the value of understanding the other person’s point of view. Discuss each person’s perspective openly to build understanding. Allow your child to witness how it’s easier to resolve disagreements when you know the other’s side of the story. These opportunities are an excellent time to teach the importance of treating others as we wish to be treated ourselves.

Finally, use family gatherings periodically—like during a mealtime once a week, for example—to discuss the matter, including how easy or hard it is to forgive, how it feels, and what it means.

Mistakes Are a Part of Life

Everyone makes mistakes. It’s important that kids understand that. Children make mistakes. Mom and Dad make mistakes. We are human. Making a mistake is a part of life, but a mistake does not define who you are. Forgiveness reinforces that idea.

Conflict is inevitable, especially among families, so teaching and learning these lessons early are crucial to raising children who respect the value of peace, compassion, and civility. But every journey begins with a single step. Teach by example. Practice forgiveness in your own life. Share those moments. Let your children watch and learn. It’s not an overstatement to believe these small steps can lead to a more peaceful and productive society.

Chris Parsons grew up in Flatrock, Newfoundland. After many years of telling his stories, he published his first book "A Little Spark" in October 2020. The book is a fully illustrated chapter book - complete with a Soundtrack and Audiobook. The book recently received the Mom's Choice Gold Medal. He resides in Dallas.

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Why Some Marriages Fail: My Experience Revealed

By Pedro Odubayo Thompson

My marriage, like any other, started on an excellent footing. It began with hope and great expectation, and there were love and friendship. We were two young people taking this marriage journey together. Because we were different in every respect despite the effort to become united in spirit and flesh, we still saw things from a divergent perspective. That’s not surprising as we had a completely different upbringing and background.

Could it be that the essentials that make a healthy and successful marriage (the strings that bind the package together) were completely missing in my marriage?

I must confess that some of these elements probably were carelessly handled. Was there a lack of communication, patience, humility, forgiveness, time commitment, faithfulness, honesty, and trust? All leading to an inevitable failed marriage? Probably so.

As far as I’m concerned, as the husband and breadwinner, I thought I was doing my best to make sure my family didn’t lack anything. But by so doing, I missed spending quality time with my wife, and that was a problem in itself. I don’t want to paint myself as a saint because they say it takes two to tango and the fault should be shared by both parties, for that reason, I should be partly blamed. If I was more mature maybe I would have handled many situations much better. Indeed, being ready to be more patient, humble, and able to forgive. Doing so would have solved many problems that later became a thorn in my side.

The breakup was very devastating for me, most especially with the children at the center of it all. They say when two elephants fight the grass suffers. My children weren’t the only ones who were affected by this turmoil because I was also caught in the middle as well. It caused me to weep in the open and in secret. I missed their warmth and everything else about my children, which caused me to become depressed and created other health problems that I might have for the rest of my life.

No Wonder They Say, Love Kills

Marriage is a natural and sacred institution contracted to last as long as we live. We say, “Till death do us part.”

The one-million-dollar question is, has this union always worked out for everybody as planned? The answer, without any hesitation, is absolutely NO. Is there a guide to fix these varied marriage problems? I hope so because it’s said where there’s a will, there should be a way. Therefore, both sides of the marriage should always plan to put their home in order.

Why didn’t my marriage work?

Well, it was all due to a catalog of missing fundamental building blocks that a great marriage creates. In addition to those mentioned previously, add the lack of maturity, patience, and forgiveness. What about self-ego, undaunting faithfulness, selfishness, and many more from both parties, as the fault of a failed marriage cannot be one-sided.

It needs the maturity of both sides for the marriage to succeed. Every union begins with great dreams: Love for one another, being faithful to each other, raise healthy and well-matured kids, both mentally, psychologically, and otherwise.

A marriage is like a flower that needs constant watering to grow. The same goes for a relationship—it requires many open discussions to keep it warm and running smoothly. Intrinsic is the need for wisdom, understanding, and all it will take to let it flourish. The more insight and knowledge we apply to the union, the more likely the marriage will survive and mature.

The consequences of a failed marriage are devastating. A couple must strive to tap into whatever resources are available to learn how to keep the marriage afloat. At the core, decisions must be made between both partners to decide who the wage earner is, which activities will be undertaken toward the children’s feeding and nurturing, and keeping the home running smoothly. It’s of utmost importance to maintain constant dialogs to put things in their right perspective. Doing so will prepare the marriage to weather any storm both in rosy and challenging times.

Furthermore, the waters can become choppy in a marriage when it becomes necessary to cooperate and lend a hand to extended family members (husband’s and wife’s siblings). These actions can cause so many setbacks where one part of the family is favored over the other.

It is no wonder that these issues constitute some of the headaches that marriages face (depending on tradition and culture). Some cultures expressly include extended families in the marriage. As the saying goes: when you’re married into a family, you’re not just married to your wife or husband but to the whole clan.

Just this aspect can produce fruits of discord instead of agreement and love. When that happens, it means love has become bitter and downright poisonous in the marriage. It begins to go down a slippery slope producing contrary effects. But when the children are caught in the middle of all this confusion, it becomes even dangerous for everybody involved, and it could provoke a lot of unwanted problems.

Things get out of hand entirely when the father or the mother enters into a new marriage after their divorce. Children’s issues become more challenging and can escalate when one parent isn’t cooperative. Still, it’s imperative to continue looking for ways by all means despite the rough path to follow.

With all things being equal, my marriage has taught me a lifelong lesson. Though I cannot go back and correct the past, I will always make good the lessons learned by investing in the present and hoping for a better and prosperous future.

Pedro Odubayo Thompson
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Pedro O. Thompson (aka, KARIMO), you can call him POT.

Pedro is a Prolific Certified Translator. He translates from English to Spanish and English to English. He is an Image/Book Copy Editor/a Writer & Blogger, coupled with a good background in business settings/publishing, and  a keen interest in public affairs.

 

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A Nature Lover’s Dream Trip & the Lessons about Family & Resiliency

By Sara Schulting-Kranz

It was June 2011, one of many mornings over the course of our six-week road trip when I woke up smiling in a tent. Two moms, four kids, one rented minivan, and no electronics allowed. Months had been spent researching favorite camping spots, haunted hotels, and the best hikes for kids across the western states. Amazon was my go-to for car games, and the folks at REI were my friendly counterparts, filled with ideas to make it fun for the kids. Every child had their own CamelBak water bottle, whistles, national park passport books, and hiking poles (somewhere in Vegas lies one lost pole—I’ll never understand how that happened). The kids kept track of days on the road by marking our back window with paint.

This was a dream trip for me. My oldest was on his own, but I wanted my two younger sons, Carson and Christian, to learn from adventuring in nature and being on the open road. I agree with Richard Louv, author of the bestsellers Last Child in the Woods and The Nature Principle: “Kids can grow up fine without nature, but with it, there are marked improvements in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, learning ability, creativity, and mental, psychological, and spiritual health.” 

My husband at the time was supportive and would meet us for the last two weeks, while my sister-in-law and her two kids, Grace and Jared, joined us for the start.

Our family road trip taught us the fundamentals of survival and provided tools to push through life’s hard times. We faced long, difficult trails, fear of animals, cold nights, unpredictable weather, yet we woke up to watch sunrises with awe and wonder. I remember being on a ten-mile trail in Glacier National Park—Christian’s little feet never quit walking, even when we were so tired. Beautiful flowers graced the mountainside, while snow covered the highest peaks. We finally arrived at our destination and found the clearest blue lake I’d ever seen. The kids were fascinated and spent hours throwing rocks in the water, watching the surface ripple. This discovery made the hard trail worth the effort.

It’s now nine years later, and though I knew the trip would be a life-changing experience, not even I could have foreseen the positive impact it would have on the kids’ lives. Grace, age twelve at the time, had her first summit experience on Angels Landing in Zion National Park, a profound moment. Since then, she has logged hundreds of miles and climbed many mountains beside me, including a hike in the Grand Canyon at the age of seventeen that proved to her that whatever obstacles life threw at her, she could overcome them. Carson and Jared, then age ten, learned to try new things as cousins and best friends. Christian turned five years old—and found his voice—on Angels Crest in Zion National Park. Together, all four kids learned what it is to trust yourself, to trust one another, and to respect the world around you. And all four of them have become independent, kind, free-spirited, empathetic humans leading adventurous lives in their own way.

Two years after this trip, in 2013, my boys had to face their biggest challenge when my marriage fell apart, due to their dad’s infidelities and double life. We went through a season of completely redefining our family unit while facing life’s uncertainties. How do you overcome such tragedy and know you will survive? What do you do when you feel lost and don’t know which way to turn? And how, when life is full of sadness and loss, do you find gratitude in what you have?

Thanks to the road trip, we had learned that life will have frustrating and disappointing moments, but we need to lean into the experience and rely on one another every step of the way. Because of what we went through over the course of those weeks together, I knew we could get through our hardest time as a family. And we did.

Nothing in life is certain. And this spring, when confronted with another challenge, the COVID-19 pandemic, I was dumbfounded by what my kids, niece, and nephew were having to face and miss out on. Graduations, basketball tournaments, Junior Olympics in water polo, and so much more. Our schedules and living conditions were turned upside down. Grace lived with us for seven weeks after her study abroad program in Spain abruptly ended.

Again, we redefined what a nuclear family looks like and realized that what’s important are the people who love and support you. With anxiety and pressure during these unpredictable days, I found it more vital than ever to infuse nature and old-school simplicity back into these young people’s lives. While following social distancing guidelines, we’ve found awe on hiking trails that remain open, including summiting the tallest peak in Southern California. We dug out the same games we used in 2011 and road tripped to poppy fields not far from home. And though my son had to give up water polo spring training with USC, we swam and stand-up paddle boarded with bioluminescents in the Pacific Ocean.

Society is pulling away from the very place, nature, where we “feel ultimately alive,” according to Louv. Many things in life we cannot control, but thankfully, we can always choose how we respond to what is handed to us. During stress-filled times, let’s remember to get our kids into nature so they, too, can find peace, clarity, and simplicity—and are reminded what it is to live.

 

Sara Schulting Kranz is a professional life and leadership coach, motivational speaker and certified wilderness guide. She specializes in helping those who have suffered hardship or trauma to find forgiveness and strength in their lives through guided wilderness retreats in locations such as the Grand Canyon and the Pacific Rim. Her upcoming book, Walk Through This: Harness the Healing Power of Nature and Travel the Road to Forgiveness, releases November 10, 2020 and is available for preorders now. Learn more at WalkThroughThisBook.com 

Sara Schulting-Kranz
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Sara Schulting-Kranz is a Professional Coach, Wilderness Guide, author of Walk Through This: Harness the Healing Power of Nature and Travel the Road to Forgiveness, TEDx Speaker, Executive Producer of "Walk Through This", a documentary in production of her healing journey in nature, and a single mom of three sons.

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How to Manage Family Conflict during COVID

By Erin Wiley

Let’s play a little Jeopardy, shall we? The answer, for $500: “Being cooped up for six months with no social gatherings, wearing masks everywhere we go, working from home but still losing income, terrifying nightly news reports every day of the week, and confusing opinions about how school should look this fall”. Ding! “What are some of the situations that are leading to greater conflict in our families during COVID, Alex?” Correct! $500 pretend dollars for the exhausted-looking person reading this article!

Chances are you know exactly what I’m talking about. Not only is there still great fear about the virus in general, but people are on edge about the economy, our jobs, our kids’ schooling, loneliness and disconnection in our extended families and communities, and more. And this viral crisis shows no signs of ending anytime soon. As a therapist, I can tell you it’s leading to heightened conflict in homes across America. How do we better manage the stress, frustration, anger, and disappointment so that we can keep distress in our families to a minimum? Here are five top tips for handling conflict during COVID. 

1. Listen: When you are not in agreement with someone important to you, listen to and validate the other person’s point of view. This is the best first step. It’s disarming for people when they feel truly heard, especially when two people have very different beliefs or feelings on an issue. You don’t have to agree with someone to reiterate their point back to them in an attempt to show you are listening and you understand where they are coming from. Start here.

2. Try and find common ground: Emphasize anything that is similar or that you can agree upon. This can lead to a faster resolution and better compromise. You maybe want something done differently or at a different pace, but usually what we all want in the end is similar: peace, order, harmony, progress, healing, chocolate, and naps. Look for areas where you can reach an agreement.

3. Let it go: Sometimes it isn’t worth the fight. Remember: people do not have to agree. Ultimately we need to learn to let go of control of others. We should seek to be kind and respectful above being right/winning. Not every fight is one you can let slide… but perhaps you can change your tone or approach in a disagreement to lower the level of conflict with people you love.

4. Become a proficient apologizer: When you do mess up and things get heated or you’ve been unkind, don’t hesitate to apologize. When you ask for forgiveness for your behavior or words, all it means is that you are acknowledging that you did something hurtful, not that you are a bad or weak person. The healthiest people apologize easily (it takes lots of practice to get there) because they see nothing wrong with admitting they may have done something hurtful to someone else. An “I’m sorry” can go a long way in times of conflict, and it’s a great example to set for others around us who may struggle with this basic relationship skill. Be generous with repair attempts. It ultimately will pave the way for greater peace in our most important relationships. 

5. Practice self-care: Work on emotional management and de-stressing outside of times of conflict. Find ways to process your emotions and create healthy outlets for your stress. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so that you can be as balanced as possible when conflict does arise. Work on healthy food choices for optimal health, improve sleep hygiene and routine, and move your body with a simple exercise like walking. Get outside. Play with your pet. Find a few minutes alone each day. Meditate, journal, or create a spiritual practice. Recognize when you need a break from other people, and make it happen. Go for a drive. Sit in the sun for a few minutes. Even a few minutes of self-care daily can help us create the internal peace we need to stay calm when conflict does arise. 

Most of all, cut yourself and others around you some slack. This is unprecedented. People are struggling. This is hard. There is great uncertainty. We are all just taking it day by day. In times as stressful as this, we know that incidents of conflict are going to rise—it’s inevitable. We can’t change that fact, but we can be prepared with strategies like the ones suggested above to help smooth over the struggles brought upon by the unprecedented difficulties we are all living through at this time. We can do this, Friends. For our families, and with our families, we can do this.

Erin Wiley, MA, LPC, LPCC, is a clinical psychotherapist and the Executive Director of The Willow Center, a counseling practice in Toledo, Ohio. The clinical focus of her therapy work is marriage, family, parenting, and relationships. She has extensive training in marriage counseling from the Gottman Institute. 

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