After many years of struggling to get pregnant and the tedious, stressful saga of going through IVF (four years of it), my partner and I were incredibly lucky our last viable embryo hit positive. Hooray!

On that day, though, a new challenge began: How do I stay healthy to maximize my chances of having a healthy baby? Having had so many appointments during IVF, I was surprised to have so few appointments during pregnancy. In the beginning, doctor’s visits were just once a month or so; check-ins only became more frequent in the last few weeks. In between, I often felt on my own, breaking new personal ground as I experienced the various phases. I constantly asked myself, “Am I doing enough?” “Is my body keeping up with all the changes happening inside?” So many questions flooded my hormonally saturated neurons.

Pregnant people frequently experience constipation, sleeplessness, lack of motivation, emotional volatility and exhaustion. Unfortunately, I had all of these, and I was not thrilled about taking medication to alleviate the issues.

Because of my background (I have a Ph.D. in biochemistry and am the co-founder and CEO of a company called Ixcela, which develops tests and programs to improve the health of the gut microbiome), I knew that a lot of these symptoms could be caused by poor gut health and/or nutritional deficiencies and that I could take action against them.

One major issue tends to be a lack of protein. According to the American Pregnancy Association, pregnant women should consume between 75-100 grams per day or about 25% of their daily caloric intake. Many think they are getting enough—from a handful of almonds or a small serving of eggs—when they really aren’t. (Sorry, friends. Protein, NOT carbs. That means doubling up on Häagen-Dazs won’t solve the problem.)

Protein is important because it contains two critical amino acids (the building blocks of proteins) that the body needs, especially during pregnancy. The first is tryptophan. Since your body can’t make tryptophan, it must be digested through various types of food (meats, cheeses, fish, beans, etc.)—basically anything with protein in it. The bacteria in your intestines (a.k.a. your gut microbiome) take the tryptophan you eat and convert it into many other things, including serotonin. Serotonin is important for your mental health/sanity and happiness as well as gut motility—yes, your tushy’s ability to comfortably bond with your toilet bowl. Going one step further, your body takes serotonin and converts it into melatonin, which is critical for good sleep.

The second amino acid is tyrosine, which is found in seeds, edamame, cheese, fish, lentils and yogurt. The bacteria in the intestine (the gut microbiome again) convert it into important molecules, such as adrenaline (the molecule that helps you have the initiative to do stressful things) and dopamine (the “feel-good” molecule).

You might see where I’m heading with this: Not enough tryptophan in your diet = not enough serotonin and melatonin = feelings of emotional distress, constipation and bad sleep. Not enough tyrosine in your diet = lack of motivation and feelings of depression.

Take a step back and think about it. When you are pregnant, you are building a little person, and that human being requires extra protein. If, however, you are not getting enough, the baby continues to be built, which depletes your load of tryptophan and tyrosine and leads to the adverse effects and feelings mentioned above. Booo.

How Do You Know Whether You’re Getting Enough Protein in Your Diet?

If you’re feeling sluggish, constipated and lacking motivation, you may have an unhealthy microbiome or be short on protein. You can slowly increase your daily intake to see if it improves your mood and bowel movements.

But, for me, following general guidelines wasn’t enough—and my symptoms proved that something larger may be amiss. I wanted to truly know what my body needed not just to handle the pregnancy, but also to provide the best environment for my baby. And as a student of science and a self-proclaimed super dork, I am a believer in measurement. If you can measure it, you can manage it!

Instead of guessing about what’s happening in your body, wouldn’t it be great to do a test to see what is actually happening? After all, pregnancy drastically changes your body—how you utilize nutrients, what appears in your blood work and your hormone levels. If you want to optimize its functioning, it’s best to know your baseline. The good news? You can test your protein levels and the health of your gut through a simple pin-prick blood test to determine whether or not you’re getting the nutrients you need in your diet—all conveniently at home.

And if you’re wondering, “How do I know if the bacteria in my gut can take the protein I’m eating and effectively turn it into these other molecules that are important for my (and my baby’s) well-being?” This can also be answered with the same test. It will show if your gut microbiome is healthy enough to convert your protein into other molecules effectively, and if it’s not, make recommendations to adjust your diet to maximize your body’s function.

Throughout my pregnancy, I religiously tested myself every three months and followed the dietary and lifestyle recommendations based on the results. I was able to move the needle on protein levels, which significantly helped my quality of sleep, kept me afloat emotionally during the hormonal roller coaster and helped ease my perpetual constipation. The changes I implemented took a few weeks to kick in (the microbiome takes around three-to-four weeks to change), but pregnancy is a nine-month process, so it’s worth the effort on the front end.

Pregnancy is tough on your mind and body, and there will be times when you have to muscle your way through. But some of these simple things can really make you just a bit more comfortable. Remember: Having a good microbiome will help with guts, butts and not going nuts.

Photo: Erika Angle

Dr. Erika Ebbel Angle is the CEO and co-founder of Ixcela. She received her Ph.D. in Biochemistry from Boston University School of Medicine and holds a B.S. in chemistry from MIT. Erika also founded Science from Scientists, a nonprofit focused on improving STEM attitudes and aptitudes for children aged 9-13.

When James and I were first trying to conceive, I was a bundle of nerves, crying at every turn, especially when getting pregnant didn’t go how I had (meticulously) planned it. We stopped using contraception and proceeded to “try” for the next year. When about 14 months had passed and I still wasn’t pregnant at the time of my next gynecologist appointment, I asked what we should do. She referred us to a few fertility specialists in the area. I was devastated. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. We had been so careful to make sure we didn’t get pregnant before we were ready, I hadn’t considered it might be a challenge once we were ready.

Despite fertility treatments becoming more and more common and hearing extended family members’ stories, I felt ashamed about my inability to conceive.  I had been open with friends about wanting to start a family, but now that we were possibly not going to be able to, I shut down. I stopped talking with my family as often. Whenever friends asked how it was going, I brushed it off with a “hasn’t happened yet…” and changed the subject. It took six months before I was finally ready to pick up the phone and schedule an appointment with the specialist. It was another month before they could fit us in as a new patient.  We were finally ready to take action and we jumped in with some initial testing before two failed rounds of IUI.

Our infertility wasn’t fully explained, but the test results and failed IUIs were enough for our doctor to recommend and our insurance to support moving on to IVF. We were so incredibly lucky. Despite the heartache of the two prior years and the misery of hope, month after month, our first IVF cycle resulted in three healthy embryos. Transferring our first one resulted in implantation, pregnancy, and finally the birth of our daughter. Then, 18 months later, we were ready to do it all over again with a second embryo transfer, in hopes of another child to join our family.

There was such a relief in starting this process a second time since it worked for us the first time. I know there are no guarantees that it will work the second time around or even the third, but since we were able to have Louise, I know it’s possible. I empathize with all families who continue to struggle to conceive. We were lucky our pain of not being able to conceive only lasted a year or two, but the worry that it wouldn’t work the next time still lives on.  Despite that strain, I’m more optimistic than before about our hopes to create the family we want.

Six Months Later

It’s ironic to read back the first half of this post having drafted it months apart. I was full of optimism for our future and a new hope to move on from the struggles of infertility. We underwent a frozen embryo transfer several months ago and the long story short is that it didn’t take. We’re not expecting. After an update consultation with the same doctor who helped us have Louise, we followed a very similar protocol of medication, tests, and timing leading up to the transfer. A week into the 10-day wait to find out if it worked, I turned to James that evening and told him I didn’t think it had worked. Call it women’s intuition; call it a 50-50 guess that turned out to be right, but I just knew it wasn’t happening that time. Unfortunately, that didn’t ease the knot tightening in my stomach when the doctor finally did call to confirm the result.

That night and the days that followed, I cried just as hard as when it didn’t take with the IUIs or naturally. But I didn’t cry as long. I am constantly reminded by Louise’s infectious laughter that it has worked once. We will hopefully be fortunate again. It may work next time. It may not. In accepting the grief that comes from each failed attempt, I’m better able to pick myself up and move forward. I am present with family and friends, pursuing other passions, all while acknowledging the tiny ball of hope in the back of my brain saying it will work again one day.

 

This post originally appeared on Happy Optimizing.

Hi!  I’m Lauren, a recent convert from professional career-woman to stay-at-home mom and wife.

Why waste time on the mundane if it can be done more efficiently and you can get back to the fun parts of life? I hope these posts help you save time and money.

Happy Optimizing! 

Photo: Agni

Growing up, I was significantly influenced by the diet culture of the 80s. The message was to eat a low-fat diet and exercise like crazy, so I mostly followed this advice. Like so many women, I had a conflicting relationship with food, especially around how much I should be eating. I had stomach issues as a child, specifically an undiagnosed overabundance of H. pylori bacteria, and never seemed to get proper help. As I got older, I realized that I was being given a band-aid solution to my problems and took the initiative by booking a health coach.

My Healthy Healing Journey
I started my journey with my health coach at 23 and began cooking more for myself. Every couple of weeks, I would talk to her about what kinds of foods I should be experimenting with within the kitchen. Our conversations together launched me into genuine interest and curiosity for nutrition and that is where my career journey began. Through my health coach, my nutrition studies at Bauman College, and my apprenticeship at Three Stone Hearth; I learned so much—about blood sugar regulation, the importance of combining macronutrients for blood sugar balance, the bioavailability of nutrients, the world of food sensitivities and so much more. I even found out that I had food sensitivities that were utterly new to me! I also learned fun tricks like how to soak nuts and grains, make fantastic bone broth, and build beautiful meals. After this experience, I came out feeling more confident and open to new ways of cooking and healing. I thought, “Wow!,” having a job where you can advise people about living a healthy life was real. Most importantly, I realized that healthy food is delicious, nourishing, and a priority for healthy living.

Nutrition & TTC
The process of trying to conceive (TTC) and get pregnant has been really interesting; it made me dive deeper into my own hormones and my menstrual cycle and remember that our bodies are HUNGRY. It needs nutrients and healthy habits to function correctly. Hormones are quite sensitive, and many things can throw them off. It was helpful to learn what my menstrual cycle should be doing and how to track my cycle beyond just counting days.

I learned I had to support my luteal phase (the phase after ovulation), which was too short. For me, that means that it was likely my progesterone was low, which may hinder my chance of maintaining pregnancy if I happened to conceive. Fertility is a sign of health, and your body needs everything to be healthy. Eating a variety of whole foods and eating with the seasons can help.

To support my luteal phase, I wanted to make sure that I could detox any excess estrogen. This means lots of fiber! I eat lots of long-cooked beans and lentils made with bone broth, which also doubles as providing folate. I drink liver-supportive teas with burdock, dandelion root, and chicory since excess estrogen is eliminated through the liver. I’m also eating healthy fats, including olive oil, fish, and avocado. Additionally, I’m eating lots of veggies, both for fiber and antioxidants. For all of my meals, I aim to have vegetables on half of my plate, even for breakfast! I have also been taking a whole foods-based prenatal vitamin to make sure my bases are covered.

Recently I had blood labs that tested my thyroid, and there was evidence that my thyroid hormones were low functioning, and I tested positive, although low, for thyroid antibodies. That means that my body is creating antibodies to my thyroid tissue, and I’m at risk for hypothyroidism in the future. As a result, I’ve gone gluten-free for the last six months and have seen my thyroid antibodies decrease. Thyroid hormones and sex hormones are intricately linked. Progesterone enhances thyroid hormone sensitivity while estrogen blunts it. Going gluten-free forced me to start eating more nutrient-dense foods, which was a great repercussion. Not having bread forces me to eat more nutrient-dense carbohydrates, like brown rice, legumes, or sweet potatoes. To eat less sugar, I try to substitute with more fruits or dried fruits, but there’s also nothing wrong with a treat now and then! We want to keep an eye on sugar, partly because overeating sugary foods will crowd out more healthful ones.

Be Kind to Yourself
Stress has been a major factor in this pandemic, and TTC can add another layer. One way that we can help counteract the effects of stress and aid our absorption of nutrients is to eat mindfully. The more we blast through our meals while we are distracted, the worse we digest, the less we absorb, and the worse we feel. We want to chew our food carefully to absorb all our nutrients and be relaxed when we eat to be able to digest properly. Making sure we tap into our parasympathetic mode (the rest and digest mode) throughout the day is helpful not only for digesting but also for conceiving. It’s great practice.

Sleep is another aspect of my life that has changed, partly due to the pandemic. I fall asleep and rise much earlier than in the past, and it’s been fantastic. Sleep is so incredibly vital. I have also found that acupuncture has been beneficial for my stress levels and I’ve enjoyed going on a weekly basis. I have been working with an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility since it has been recently documented as helpful for fertility.

TTC can be an emotional roller coaster, and it’s hard not to want more from your own body. Being compassionate and gentle is helpful, and it’s important to remind yourself that this year has been especially challenging. I encourage women everywhere to truly listen to their bodies and most importantly, be kind to it.

RELATED: 9 Smart Strategies for a Healthier Pregnancy

Tammy Chang, Certified Nutrition Consultant, Author, and Founder of The Nourished Belly (https://www.thenourishedbelly.com/), holistic health coaching, and Agni Medical Advisory Board Member. Tammy supports her clients with a comprehensive approach to health that emphasizes food, cooking, movement, and other lifest‌yle behaviors.

Miscarriage is quite common, yet regardless of that simple truth, it remains a challenging and emotionally complex experience for women to navigate. It is often something women deal with privately with their partner, but fortunately some women in the public spotlight have begun to share their experiences more openly.

Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, recently opened up about her miscarriage last summer, paving the way for women everywhere to connect and feel less alone. She and Prince Harry also announced that they are expecting another child (a baby girl)—a great reminder that pregnancy is very possible after miscarriage.

Whether you are dealing with loss due to a miscarriage yourself, acting as a support person to someone who has experienced this loss, or simply wanting to educate yourself about this all-too-common occurrence, here is a Q&A to help you through this process.

Miscarriage: 7 Questions and Answers

1. What is a miscarriage? Miscarriage is defined as a pregnancy loss prior to 20 weeks. If the pregnancy lasts beyond 20 weeks but is unsuccessful, it is termed stillbirth.

2. Am I to blame for my baby’s death? Miscarriage is traumatic for all pregnant women and their partners. If you have had, are having, or will have a miscarriage, remember this: Miscarriage is NOT your fault.

Inherent in miscarriage is the experience of death, and often feelings of failure as well. This death is very real, and it is normal for women and partners to experience the five stages of grieving and guilt (described in Elizabeth Keebler Ross’s landmark research in “On Death and Dying”):

  • Denial (It didn’t happen.)
  • Anger (Why is this happening to me?)
  • Bargaining (Oh, please God, I’ll do anything to have a successful pregnancy.)
  • Depression (I must have done something wrong.)
  • Acceptance (I have to get on with life one way or another.)

Allowing yourself and your partner to go through this grieving process is the most important part of a miscarriage.

3. How soon can I get pregnant again after a miscarriage? I always suggest waiting for at least one regular period before getting pregnant again. It can then be determined with more accuracy when you are due. In addition, having a normal period signals your body is done with the miscarriage process.

4. Who is likely to miscarry? Anyone can miscarry. The most often quoted numbers say 10-to-20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. When the miscarriage rate includes those fetuses lost before the missing of a period, the high-end rate increases up to 40 percent.

5. How do I tell a period from a miscarriage? There is cramping with miscarriage, often like a period, but sometimes more severe. Most of the time, bleeding will be heavier than a period, but seldom requiring a blood transfusion. 

6. What if my doctor can’t hear a heartbeat? With a Doppler, I can hear a heartbeat at about 11 or 12 weeks. It is easier to see the heartbeat with an ultrasound at seven to eight weeks. If I can’t see the heartbeat at seven or eight weeks, out of reverence and concern for the fetus, I recheck in one week. If I can’t hear a heartbeat, most women prefer to wait for a spontaneous miscarriage which usually follows after one or two weeks. If one or two weeks go by without a miscarriage, I recommended misoprostol (Cytotec) by mouth.

While it is possible to use misoprostol without waiting the two weeks for a spontaneous miscarriage, it would not be my first choice because aggressive treatment can interfere with the grieving process. I prefer to allow a wide margin around guilt, blame, and shame.

7. What happens when someone has repeated miscarriages? Miscarriage, before there is a beating heart, is common, and is usually a chromosomal mutation. These are not preventable. However, once the heart is beating, several conditions can lead to a miscarriage. Many of these repeated miscarriages are preventable. If you have had more than two miscarriages, it’s time to look at the list of treatable conditions that are known to contribute to miscarriage in some women (i.e., Strep B or methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase—MTFHR).

The keys here are remembering that you are not alone in experiencing miscarriage, and that is normal and healthy to grieve your loss. In cases where repeated miscarriage occurs, your doctor may be able to help you isolate the condition that is causing it so you can go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

Dr. Alan Lindemann
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

An obstetrician and maternal mortality expert, “Rural Doc” Alan Lindemann, M.D. teaches women and families how to create the outcomes they want for their own health and pregnancy. In nearly 40 years of practice, he has delivered around 6,000 babies and achieved a maternal mortality rate of zero! Visit LindemannMD.com

Did you or your partner get pregnant during the pandemic? Looking to stay safe but hoping to capture your pregnancy or newborn with a photo shoot? No problem! NYC area family photographers are stepping up to help your family capture these important events while you’re keeping close to home. Book a virtual photo shoot via Zoom, FaceTime, etc. Read on to learn how it all works, and see actual pictures taken via remote sessions!

Pivot!

Michelle Rose Photo

Like so many other businesses, photographers have taken things online. The modified professional photo shoot involves a pro serving as a consultant and guide to a client before, during and after a photo session."We plan out the shoot from top to bottom: decorations, outfits, locations you name it!," says Michelle Rose of Michelle Rose Photo, who launched her remote milestone shoots in April of last year. "They send photos of their space for me to take a look at and I point out where the best spots would be to take photos, just like I do when I enter a clients apartment for the first time."

Yes, in most cases you are the one taking the actual photo (probably with your phone), but it's with the input of a professional via Zoom, Facetime, etc. Perhaps not the ideal situation for your big shoot, but the good news is that probably not surprisingly, rates are significantly less than those for in-person sessions. 

In addition to guiding you during the actual shoot, these photographers will help you style your shots, recommend colors and/or props and retouch your favorites to make them super pro. Sessions are typically about 30 minutes to an hour, and basic tech needed is a phone and a wifi connection. 

Karen Haberberg Photography

Karen Haberberg Photography

Karen Haberberg is doing maternity, birthday and infant shoots virtually, providing a portfolio of three to five retouched photos from the sessions.  For her photo shoots, she is the one actually taking the photo, capturing frames via FaceTime, while she coaches parents on elements such as angles and lighting. 

Haberberg was also moved to do pro-bono portraits for essential workers and their families over the last year as a way of saying "thanks." Learn more about that project here.

Online: karenhaberberg.com

Michelle Rose Photo

Michelle Rose Photo

For her remote shoots, Rose schedules the sessions to take advantage of when an apartment is receiving the best natural light. And, she makes sure you're prepped. "The day before the session I send over a checklist for each client individually so they have everything they need the next day for the shoot. Nothing is out of the ordinary and should already be in the home, except for maybe some cake smash decorations and the cake." (Order in, folks!) 

Contact Rose for rates, which are significantly reduced from those for IRL sessions.  

Online: michellerosephoto.com

Stylish & Hip Kids Photography

Stylish Hip Kids

This photo from Stylish & Hip Kids Photography proves the yes, you can get a lovely newborn shot (with an assist). For all remote sessions, owner Mariliana Arvelo consults with the parents about outfits, lighting in the home, and the basics of setting up a camera; she also provides a gallery of images to use as a reference. Sessions are 30 minutes and produce a gallery of 10, retouched photos. The cost is $300, a significant break from the standard rate of $900 for an in-person session. 

Online: stylishhipkids.com

Featured image: Karen Haberberg Photography
—Mimi O’Connor

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If you are one of the millions of women who suffer from clinical anxiety, you may be wondering how best to navigate it during your pregnancy. Here are answers to some of the most common questions pregnant women with anxiety are curious about. As with any pregnancy advice you read, be sure to connect with your key care providers to help support you through your unique pregnancy journey.

1. Are many pregnant women bothered by anxiety? Anxiety is the most common psychiatric disorder, and women are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with it. If you historically suffer from anxiety, you are likely to need strategies to deal with it and keep you and your baby happy and healthy during your pregnancy. Onset of new pathologic anxiety during pregnancy is not common, but communicate with your care provider if this is your experience so you can get additional support as needed. (Normal pregnancy-related anxiety is common, and doesn’t need any treatment.)

2. Does anxiety carry risks to my pregnancy? Anxiety and other stresses in pregnancy are associated with miscarriage, preterm delivery, and delivery complications. If you are suffering from anxiety and become pregnant, it’s important to work with your care provider to create an action plan so you can optimize your pregnancy outcomes.

3. What are some natural (drug-free) ways to deal with anxiety during pregnancy? Enlist the help of your partner in creating and maintaining a calm pregnancy environment. You can also try yoga, meditation, and walking. Be sure to talk to your obstetrician as well. If s/he doesn’t feel comfortable helping you with your anxiety, ask for a referral to a counselor

4. Is it safe to take anxiety medications while pregnant? Taking anxiety medications during pregnancy does carry some risks to your baby (depending on the medication), including cleft lip and “floppy baby syndrome” (i.e., hypothermia, lethargy, poor respiratory effort, and feeding problems). Your infant may also suffer from withdrawal from certain medications. Be sure to consult with your prescribing physician and understand all the risks before making your decision.

5. What if I’m on anxiety medication when I get pregnant? Work with your prescribing physician to slowly decrease dosage over a period of about three weeks until you can wean yourself off. While some anxiety medications can be taken during pregnancy, they all cause some risk to your baby, and it is best to go off the medications if possible.

In the end, the decision needs to be weighed from the perspective of where the greatest benefit will be compared to the greatest harm. If not taking your medication could result in self-harm, for example, your physician may recommend you continue taking it in spite of the potential risks to your pregnancy.

Dr. Alan Lindemann
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

An obstetrician and maternal mortality expert, “Rural Doc” Alan Lindemann, M.D. teaches women and families how to create the outcomes they want for their own health and pregnancy. In nearly 40 years of practice, he has delivered around 6,000 babies and achieved a maternal mortality rate of zero! Visit LindemannMD.com

Our new series, Tiny Birth Stories, is aimed at sharing real-life stories from our readers to our readers. In just 100 words or less, we’re bringing you the raw, the funny and the heartwarming stories you’ve lived while bringing babies into the world. Here are five stories that will have you laughing, crying and nodding your head in solidarity. 

Interested in telling your birth story? Click here.

Pregnancy with a broken uterus by Christina F. 

My uterus is broken. I have a bicornuate uterus, a condition that’s present in only 0.1%-0.5 of American women. What makes my reproductive organ even more rare is that it functioned completely “normally” and grew to full-term my two beautiful children. You see, a bicornuate uterus put you at higher risk of infertility, miscarriage, extremely premature baby, and needing a c-section. And yet, with both my pregnancies (each in different “horns” of my uterus), and both my babies, we conceived within a few months, we luckily did not miscarry, we made it to 40 weeks, and I delivered vaginally!

The stomach flu brought on my labor by Erica W.

What my husband thought was food poisoning at work was actually the stomach flu. I wasn’t due for 7 more days and at my appointment the day before this kid was nowhere near dropping. The next day the stomach flu hit after what everybody can imagine vomiting and sitting on the toilet for hours started contractions. We rushed to the hospital and the contractions were closer too dehydrated for an epidural I labored for 14 hours. Finally I got an epidural and it made me shake, so I they gave me propofol after that Demerol pretty much the opposite of natural birth. Have a very loose birth plan.

A wonderful double blessing by Dawn L. 

I was 29 years old when I had my first baby. When I was 37, I found out that I was pregnant with my second child in the month of August. Unfortunately, at 11 weeks I found out that the baby stopped growing around 8 weeks. Many doubts and why’s came to pass. The very next summer in July I told my mom if I don’t get pregnant by December that God has given me the one child that I was meant to raise and I was going to be content. In the month of August (freaky timing) I found out that I was pregnant this time with twins. My “Double Blessing”!!

Big baby surprise by Tracey S. 

Ever since I became pregnant, I was terrified of giving birth, especially to a large baby, as my husband and I are both very tall. My doctors kept assuring me that due to my stomach size, the baby would not be big. The day that I went into labor ended up being one of the more painful days of my life! The contractions were very strong from about 6 am until I went to the hospital at 1:30 pm. In the hospital, I was able to get an epidural rather quickly and was pain free! Three hours later, I was 10 cm dilated, and ready to push. I pushed for 40 minutes, and couldn’t feel any of it. Not long after I started pushing, out popped my beautiful, 9 pound, 9 ounce baby boy. So much for not having a big baby!

My husband caught our son, in our living room by Jessica P. 

Labor started slowly. As we were preparing to leave, I had an incredibly strong contraction. My husband tried to call 911, my water broke, and I started to have another contraction. In a voice much calmer than reality, I said ‘Honey, I either need to go to the bathroom or we are having a baby.’ A quick check made clear our baby was crowning. I looked for a place to lie down quickly, then decided squatting was a perfect position. He put out his hands and caught our son, about 10 minutes after that first contraction, in our living room.

I was 42 years old when I gave birth to my son.

Why 42 years old?

There are several reasons:

  • I only got married at 33 years old.
  • I had a demanding career that involved lots of travel.
  • We lived in South Africa and unfortunately, did not think it was a safe environment to raise a child.
  • We eventually emigrated to Australia, which involved finding new jobs and settling into life in a new country.

Of course, there is never a perfect time to have a baby, but there was another reason I waited so long….I am not what you would call naturally maternal.

Do not get me wrong, I love children. I dote on my nieces and nephew. When they were little, I would have them over for sleepovers, take them to the zoo and the circus. They are teenagers and young adults now, and I still enjoy spending time with them.

I just did not have this overwhelming desire to have a child.

Until I turned the big 40.

Suddenly I worried I would look back on my life and regret not having a child. I know my reason for deciding to have a child may seem almost unnatural to some people. But my reason for having a child does not make me love my son any less, and I could not imagine my life without him.

So, there I was at the age of 40 trying to get pregnant with my first baby. Understandably at my age, this was not without some heartache, and after three miscarriages we decided to turn to IVF. I consider myself extremely blessed that after only one round of IVF, I was pregnant with my son.

When my son was around 18 months old, we decided to try for a second child, as I did not want him to be an only child. One of the driving forces behind this was the fact my mom was an only child and hated it. She would recount stories from her childhood about how lonely she was and how much she disliked going on holiday with just her parents for company.

Another reason was that as we had immigrated, and we did not have any family close by. I knew my son would not grow up surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. He would not know the joy of large family gatherings and ultimately, I did not want him to be alone one day.

Unfortunately, after another miscarriage and five failed IVF attempts, I had to accept that a second baby was not going to happen.

I had to face the fact that my son was going to be an only child.

I admit it was tough.

I worried my son was going to be on his own one day with no siblings for support.

I worried he would not get to experience the joy of a sibling relationship.

I worried he would hate being an only child as my mom had done.

My husband, on the other hand, was more pragmatic. He pointed out that we had tried and told me our son would be fine. Part of me knew this was true, but it did not stop me from feeling guilty.

Not being able to give my son a sibling is the one thing I feel most guilty about. I have a close relationship with my brother and sister. Whenever I see siblings playing together, I feel that painful pang of guilt. I know my son will never experience the close bond; you can only share with a sibling.

My son is now seven years old; he has never once asked for a sibling.

In fact, he has told us many times that there is no way he wants a brother or sister because apparently, this would mean:

  • He would have to share his toys.
  • He would not get us (his Dad and me) all to himself.
  • There would be a baby in the house crying all the time.

One day I will tell my son about how he was conceived and how we tried to give him a sibling. I try to focus on the positives, my son is happy, well adjusted, exceptionally bright, and has lots of friends who regularly come for play dates at our house.  

As parents, we put way too much pressure on ourselves, we worry and feel guilty when we should not. And whilst I would not say I am entirely over all my guilt, it has eased. When I see his smile, hear his laugh or when we are dancing around the house together like crazy people, I am thankful for my little miracle.

I am married to Brandon and am the proud Mum of a beautiful son. My mission is to help busy parents navigate the critical milestones of their child’s life. Children are truly phenomenal and can achieve amazing things when given the opportunity to Play, Learn and Grow.

The Other Parent: Second Parent Adoption

I’ve never wanted to be pregnant. The thought of essentially carrying an alien inside of me is the type of thing that could put me right into a padded cell. I truly mean that. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t feel feminine enough or that I can’t stand the idea of people touching my stomach, but something about it weirds me out. I digress. I’m glad we got that out of the way.

I could talk about my clinical aversion to pregnancy all day, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to talk about Second Parent Adoption and the mental toll it takes. I suffer from something called “homosexuality.” When two people of the same sex fall in love, they make gay people. I lucked out in my queer journey in finding an incredible wife who loves me. I also lucked out that my wife really wanted to be pregnant. While there are lots of ways to have a baby, the easiest way is to have a participant who’s willing to get pregnant. In 2018, we were ready. After purchasing about $7,000,000 worth of sperm (exact number not confirmed) and 4 IUI’s, we were pregnant. I learned a lot during that time: How to link a monitor to my cellphone without crying, the feeling of actual fear, and how critically important it would be for me to pursue Second Parent Adoption.

For those who are unfamiliar, let me explain: There are places in our country that don’t view me as my daughter’s legal parent because I didn’t carry her. From a legal standpoint, my name is on her birth certificate and I am legally married to my wife. From an emotional standpoint, she’s my freakin’ kid. Because same-sex marriage is ubiquitously legal in the United States, people forget how complicated things get when kids come into the picture. Here’s how it works: If we were traveling somewhere that didn’t view me as my daughter’s legal parent and something happened to my wife or daughter, I wouldn’t have decision-making power for my daughter. Meaning, if my wife were incapacitated for whatever reason, I wouldn’t be able to make medical decisions for my own kid. If my wife, god forbid, died, my daughter would be placed with my in-laws (who would give her right back to me…so, you know, suck on that).

This issue lives on the periphery of society. It’s most often met with thoughts and prayers ::shudder:: and not any actual help. It’s a lot of “That’s terrible!” “Oh, That’s not fair!” and my favorite, “I’m here for you.” Even my lawyer friends have zero knowledge on the ins and outs of where these legal lines begin and end. It’s infuriating. There is currently only one way to combat these worst-case scenarios: Enter, Second Parent Adoption.

Second Parent Adoption is exactly what it sounds like, I’m the other parent and I’m adopting my own kid. You know, there’s really no greater kick in the balls than signing paperwork to have legal ties to someone you would literally die for. To have my position as a mom questioned has taken a part of my spirit that I’ll never get back.

It’s an indescribably bad feeling that I’ve attempted to put into words on social media a few times. It’s never gone well because social media is a notoriously kind place. Recently, I got into an argument with a very well-educated straight woman who told me that she couldn’t understand what the big deal was and that all stepparents have to legally adopt their spouses’ kids. It knocked the guts out of me. This chick, who I’ve never met, viewed me as a stepparent. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a stepparent. In fact, all parents who fully take on their spouses’ children should have parades thrown in their honor. That’s not what I am, though. Not even close. Stepparents come into the picture along the way, I’ve been on this train since it left the station. I was there for every injection, every checkup. I cried when we thought my wife had a blighted ovum and I cried even harder when we saw my sweet little girl’s wild heartbeat. I stood at the end of the hospital bed and held my wife’s leg to help push. I saw and held my daughter first. I live in a perpetual state of worry over potential bullies saying anything remotely mean to my baby and envision myself reaming them. I watch my daughter’s chest go up and down at night to make sure she’s sleeping as soundly as she deserves to be. I am not a stepparent. I am a mommy; I am Lillie’s mommy.

The Second Parent Adoption process is clinical and yucky. We’re currently in a place where we’re awaiting a court date. Paperwork is filed, no update. It’s been months. Once a week, I send an email asking for an update—No update, waiting on a date. Prior to this holding pattern, I had to get a physical exam, pay filing fees, and obtain a slew of documents that no human should ever have to keep track of. Our lawyer is a nice enough woman who doesn’t understand the emotional magnitude of the process. To her, we’re just another filed case that’s she’s waiting to close out in her books. It’s better that way. To have another person with an opinion weigh-in would be too much to handle. This process has made me question my validity as a parent and as a human. Learning that my parental status is completely optional to our legal system is a bag of emotions that I’ll be lugging around for the rest of my life.

There are 1 Million–9 Million (actual Googled statistic…we should probably work on closing the gap between those two numbers, yeah?) children being raised by a queer parent in the United States. I’m no mathematician, but that sounds like a lot of people who might be in the same boat. Let’s tie our boats together and storm the bastille. In the meantime, I’ll keep sending my weekly email, pummeling imaginary bullies, and fighting with people on the internet.

Jess Ader-Ferretti HBIC at Shit Moms Won't Say
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Jess Ader-Ferretti is the creator and host of the growingly popoular web series, Shit Moms Won't Say. Jess is a born and rasied New Yorker who lives with her wife, Katie and their daughter, Lillie. Tune into Shit Moms Won't Say every Monday at 8PM EST on YouTube.