ML Interest Tag: guilt

15 Non-Cheesy Mantras That’ll Actually Shift Your Mood

by Amber Guetebier

Say it with us, “I’m going easy on myself today”

Parenting is no walk in the park, and sometimes it feels like the cards are stacked against us: work, dealing with tantrums (be it your toddler or tween), laundry, inflation on just about everything. That’s why it is more important than ever to offer some positive reinforcement… to yourself! We talked to the experts and came up with 15 positive affirmations to write down, display, or pull out on the days or in the moments when you need a lift.

Why positive affirmations can make you a better parent

We asked renowned parenting expert Reena B. Patel why positive affirmations matter. Patel, who is also a licensed educational psychologist, board-certified behavior analyst, and the author of Winnie & Her Worries, reminds us that positive affirmations are rooted in positive psychology. “Positive, simple statements help shift your focus away from perceived failures and direct your focus toward your strengths,” says Patel. “We believe and act upon what we think, thus leading to self-fulfilling prophecies if we focus only on what we are not good at. There is power in positive thinking. Positive emotions are linked with better health, longer life, and greater well-being.”

Patel also suggests that, whenever possible, parents try to state their affirmation while looking at themselves in the mirror, and by saying the statement multiple times a day (at least three is ideal). Use positive “I’ statements and place a visual of the words in an area that you can see daily as a reminder, she adds.

1. I am a good parent. It’s easy to criticize ourselves and focus on how we think we’re failing as a mom or dad. But parenting is tough, and we’re all doing the best we can. Acknowledge that fact, and tell yourself out loud, every day, that you’re a good parent.

2. Loving myself is the greatest gift I can give to my child. Kids are sponges and they learn from us. So if your kiddos know you appreciate yourself, they will learn to love themselves. That’s one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids.

3. I’m not perfect. We all know that nobody is perfect. But we place a big expectation on ourselves as parents to be pretty close to it. Repeating that mantra is a great reminder that it’s okay to be human, not to be perfect.

4. I can only control myself. It’s so hard, but one of the best ways to help kids grow emotionally is to exhibit mature behavior. Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC, says, “When we react emotionally to our kids and lose control, we’re allowing our kids to determine how we behave rather than the other way around.” Next time your kid throws a massive fit, try to stay calm and see what happens.

5. I am willing to learn and grow. Patel reminds us that it is critical to embrace change and growth, even when things seem tough. After all, it’s what we’d tell our kids, right?
6. Today is a new day. It’s easy to focus on how yesterday was a bad day. Sanah Rizvi, the founder of The Psych Way, suggests shifting the self-talk to focus on how every day is a chance to make progress toward what you want and the person you want to be.

7. I’m doing the best I can do. At the end of the day, that’s all we can do. Repeating that mantra every day will help you accept it as truth.

8. I make good decisions for my kids. This positive affirmation is a tough one to remember, especially when little ones are very vocal about making their displeasure with our decisions known. Parent Trust points out that moms and dads know they’re making the right choices for their kids. Embrace it and repeat the statement to yourself as a reminder.

9. I’m going easy on myself today. Permit yourself to take it easy. Say it out loud and grow comfortable with the idea.

10. It’s okay to ask for help, and what’s more, I deserve it. It’s time to take control of your needs and be OKAY with asking for help. You’ll be surprised to find out how many people are willing to step up if you just ask them.

11. Parenting is exhausting. Every parent knows this statement to be true. Writer Lauren Tamm suggests repeating this mantra as a reminder that taking care of kids is hard work. No wonder we’re so tired at the end of the day!

12. I am loved. Motherhood can be a thankless job, and little ones aren’t known for their compliments. Parent coach and family therapist Nicole Schwarz reminds moms that even though their kids may not say it, they really do feel that way. You just may need to put words to it.

13. I am what my kiddo needs. At the end of the day, there’s nothing else that’s as true as that statement.

14. It won’t always be like this. The one thing we know for sure is that hardships always pass. From colicky babies to navigating social media with tweens, one day, you’ll find yourself on the other side.

15. I do not need to compare. ” I know my kids the best, and comparisons do not serve me. If I notice myself comparing, I will quickly let it go,” Patel says. And that’s a lead worth following.

—with additional reporting by Leah Singer

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Not Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Was the Best Decision I Ever Made

By Emma Bennett

Being a stay-at-home mom sounds a bit like a dream, right? After all the years of working, earning and saving, finally, the day comes when you’re off on maternity leave. Maybe a nice baby shower with lots of cake and cute clothes and teddy bears. Then, finally, you get to sit and put your feet up and wait for this little person to take over your life.

And then he or she arrives. No sleep, lots of crying, constant hunger… and that’s just you! Babies are so demanding at first, and our whole life is about trying to seek out a little bit of undisturbed sleep where we aren’t worrying about whether the baby has stopped breathing in bed or our boobs aren’t painful, swollen rocks leaking little puddles onto the sheets.

But one day, everything settles down into a bit of a routine. You find that you get back some sleep and you start to feel human again. Now’s the fun bit, right? You get to just hang out with this little person, go to the park, long walks in the pram, coffee with other moms and just kicking back while the rest of the world keeps working.

The baby doesn’t need you 24/7 anymore and, in fact, you can start leaving them with other people for short periods. Your brain is starting to work again, slowly. You can even start to hold a decent conversation without either yawning or crying.

Now, I don’t know about other moms out there, but this was about the time I started to get bored. And this was, as a result, where the guilt really started!

I struggled to get up in the morning and focus for the day. Some days, I really found it hard to get motivated to leave the house at all. I felt like I was really cheating the system and just sitting around contributing nothing. I knew all the rhetoric—stay-at-home moms work harder than anyone in the workplace, enjoy the time to yourself and with your baby, they are little for such a short time, blah blah blah.

But I just couldn’t get into it.

I would try and get into being a really present and tuned-in mom. I would sit down and do some kind of really fun and engaging game with him that I had seen on Play School –yeah, this is awesome… look how much fun he’s having… I’m such a good mom, I would think. Then I’d look at the clock. Ten minutes had passed!! I still had the whole rest of the day to fill.

I realized why so many moms join mother’s groups and coffee mornings. It’s just to fill in time and get out of the house so the day goes faster! I’m not really much of a “joiner,” though, so I struggled to turn up for those kinds of things, and as a result, I spent a lot of time on my own slowly going crazy.

The guilt was enormous.

Why wasn’t I enjoying this more? What’s wrong with me that I am not relishing not having to go to work and have boring conversations with people all day about stuff that doesn’t really matter? I mean, after all, isn’t this the most important work you can do?

Well, I didn’t feel important; in fact, I felt like a fraud. Everyone else was out there earning a living and contributing to society, and I was here at home with this beautiful little human I made, bored out of my mind reading board books and playing with teddies all day.

Then one day, someone emailed me asking me to do some part-time work from home.

I resisted at first, feeling a different type of guilt. It was the guilt of admitting to myself that I didn’t really like staying at home. This is much harder guilt to overcome when there is absolutely nothing in life stopping you from enjoying staying at home with your baby.

While you feel like people will judge you if you go back to work and leave bub with someone, you feel equally judged being at home and not really having your head fully into being a mom. I know everyone says that just being with you is all the baby needs, but I really felt like I was completely robbing this kid of having someone around who could actually do fun things that would help his development.

So I hired a nanny and took this job.

The first day I left him, there were tears all around. I was crying at leaving him, he was crying that mommy had ditched him with some complete stranger and the guilt was so intense I could almost taste it.

But then I got in the car, I turned up the music (and my resolve) and I headed into the city. I spent a few hours in meetings where I was briefed about my role, I got to meet a few people, I had a nice lunch and then I sat for a moment in a coffee shop. For the first time in months, I felt pretty happy.

I headed home and walked in to be greeted with the most amazing sight. My little boy was sitting with our nanny, on her lap, playing with a little toy, and she was singing and playing the xylophone. They were having a lovely time.

You could tell just taking one look at this woman that hanging out with kids is her favorite thing to do in life. They had obviously been having a ball. She’d done some foot painting with him, they’d been out for a walk and bought some books at the second-hand shop. She was just glowing with happiness and excitement at having spent a few hours with my son.

And I actually felt a great sense of relief and contentment. From that day on, I was a much happier person and, I think, a much better mom. On the days I wasn’t working, I really loved every second of being with my boy, and on the days I was working, I really loved every second of being on my own. It was as though it took being away from him to make me realize how special it was to actually be with him.

It took me this time to realize that I’m not the sort of person who can stay at home all day with a baby, and that is actually OK. The thing about parenting is that you have to do it the way that works for you.

There’s no right or wrong way to organize your family or to live your life. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you just don’t like not staying at home full-time.

Everyone needs balance, and I actually think it’s really healthy to have your kids get used to being looked after by other people and to understand early on that they really can live without you. And if, at the end of the day, you are a happier, more peaceful person, then that can only make you a better mom as well.

So don’t allow yourself to feel guilt, regardless of what you end up doing. As long as you love your kids and you set up your life so that you are the best person you can be when you are with them, then you are being a good parent. Go out and live life the best way you can and always remember, you are a person in your own right, as well as a mom who loves your kids. There’s no room for any guilt in that sentence!

Originally published Sept. 2016.

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I'm a Dubai expat mum and I love to tell the funny side of life here and about travelling the world with a young family.Because let’s face it – no matter how well planned your travel journey, its those those funny, quirky moments that appear out of nowhere that create the real memories. 

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Lies We Tell Our Kids—& Ourselves—about Bullying

By Janet Coburn

Being bullied has taught me a lot over the years. Lessons learned in childhood run deep and last long. We learn to not be noticed. That we must try to fit in. That certain people and places and situations are hazardous. That being different is a sin.

But it is not only the things that children do to one another that cause harm. Some of the things that adults say to children about bullying hurt the most. These remarks may be intended to help the bullied child, but at times they do as much damage as the bullying itself.

Chief among the responses to bullying that adults come up with is “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This is a profound lie, as any bullied child knows. Oh, there are sticks and stones, even literal ones. As a third-grader I had rocks thrown at me and countless children have experienced physical bullying—pushing, tripping, hitting and more.

But words are more than capable of hurting just as much. There are forms of bullying other than physical – emotional, social, racial, sexual. But these forms of bullying are much less visible than the physical kind. If the grown-ups responsible for the care and well-being of the child don’t see bruises or bloody noses, they may think no harm has occurred.

Socially or emotionally bullied children are often told “Don’t be so sensitive.” And it may be true that less sensitive children do not feel the effects of cruel words as drastically. But the underlying message is that there is something wrong with the bullied child – excessive sensitivity. And this is not something that children can change about themselves. It’s like telling a person not to be so tall.

Another piece of advice commonly given to bullied children is, “Just ignore them.” If becoming less sensitive is impossible, even more so is ignoring bullies. Bullies are in-your-face. It’s almost impossible to ignore insults and injuries, derisive chants or laughter. Humiliation is not something that can simply be shrugged off. Bullies rejoice in having an audience for their abuse. It’s beyond hard to ignore a room or playground of kids (or teens), all of whom have witnessed your victimization.

Similarly, bullied children are told, “Other people’s opinions don’t matter.” Again, this is a lie. Of course they do. The opinions of a child’s peers control whether other children feel safe being friends with a bully’s victim. Their opinions determine whether a child will be lonely or despised or will develop self-esteem. Bullies affect the opinions of other children and make the circle of bullies and bystanders wider. Other people’s opinions make wide ripples.

Bullied children often hear, “Toughen up.” Again, this is an assignment given with no clue as to how it is to be accomplished. It may even be misinterpreted as tacit permission to become a bully too. After all, bullies are tough. And the saying, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” may come into play. Naturally, this only expands the number of bullies and can victimize other children. A bullied child who becomes a bully may experience not a sense of empowerment but a sense of guilt.

Another common reaction to bullying is to encourage or even to coach a child in fighting back physically. This has little chance of working if the bully is physically larger than the victim and takes a lot of practice if it is to work at all. In addition it teaches children that violence is an appropriate solution to a problem. If the bullying has been emotional or social rather than physical, the bullied child is also likely to get in trouble for striking back in a literal manner.

The problem is that the bullied child is not the problem. He or she does not need to change or be changed. The bully is the one who is demonstrating unacceptable behavior and needs to be stopped. Bystanders are bullying enablers and need to learn how to support and intervene instead.

There are no simple solutions to bullying, which will likely continue as long as children are children, though with awareness of the problem and concerted efforts on the part of adults, it may someday lessen and be less acceptable and less accepted.

But whatever the solution is, it is clearly not to tell the bullied child lies.

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

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When My Toddler Makes Me Angry

By Evelyn Rountree

Photo: Evelyn Rountree of Love, mamãe

How is it possible to feel anger towards someone you (probably) love more than anything in the world?

When my kids make me angry, that feeling weighs on me more than any of the acts they did to actually get me to that point. So, how do you navigate this feeling when you are already so aware of your own emotions?

Understanding My Anger

I wish there was a moment in my life that would be the “cause” for me ever getting angry at my kids. But the truth is… there isn’t.

I get angry with my kids because I have a heart that beats and a brain that (luckily) functions. I have a body that gets exhausted from sleepless nights and endless chores. I get bored from the lack of adult interaction. There is a point when I just can’t bear changing another doll’s outfit. Or a baby diaper. Or making 7 meals a day.

And so, getting angry with my kids encompasses a daily ritual that sometimes is just Too. Freaking. Boring.

And let’s not confuse boring with “doing nothing.” You can do one thousand things per minute in your day and still feel drained. It doesn’t mean that it’s always boring. Not even that you’d like to be living differently. It simply means that right there, at the moment, you lack something.

What are you lacking in your own life that makes you angry at your kids from time to time?

For me, what I’m usually lacking is a combination of free time plus feeling guilty. Mom-guilt is my number #1 “issue” in my motherhood journey.

I have always been a “free-spirited” person. I would go out to eat at 11 p.m. at night if I wanted to, sometimes I would wake up early on a Saturday morning, pack a bag and start driving until I end up somewhere cool.

My husband and I had dates weekly, I was always surrounded by friends, life was loud and agitated.

The main thing I missed (and miss) is freedom. The freedom to just get up and leave. To grocery shop in peace. Heck, to use the bathroom in peace!

Once you become a mom, those things are gone for a while. And I’m still in the “while”.

And so, I’ve been slowly finding out what works for me.

1. I feel my anger. Give me a good 5 minutes to just be angry (away from the kids) and not try to simply “snap out of it”.

2. I validate my emotions. Taking a few seconds to really think “I am angry because this sucks” or “I am angry because I have just mopped and they threw crackers all over the floor again” and “I am angry because they didn’t sleep all night and now still refuse to nap” or “I am angry because I miss going out alone.” Those are very real reasons that a human being would get angry about.

3. I try not to trap myself into the “guilt” spiral. Things like, “There are moms with kids in the hospital and here I am angry at them for coloring on the walls” are not valid. True, it’s always good to acknowledge your blessings of having healthy, happy kids and a family to care for. But saying things like that invalidate your feelings and, therefore, you don’t work through them. You have a right to feel your emotions.

4. Do not act in anger. I don’t mean to sound cheesy, but this needs to be said. And that’s for everything, especially when it’s about your kids. I am sure you know this, but kids aren’t born malicious or manipulative. They are learning how to navigate through their own little feelings and it’s as hard for them as it is for you, if not more. It’s true, they do not understand WHY they can’t ask the same questions 300 times within a minute even after you’ve told them the answer.

So, for me, I take a beat. If I feel angry, I will step away and let myself feel angry. Cry if I have to. Scream if I need to. I will then come to them and explain, looking in their eyes, why I am angry. And crazy enough, they understand!

Just a few days ago, my almost 3-years-old girl and I had a bad day together. A combination of a bad night, no nap, and pouring rain lead to a difficult day to manage for us.

When my husband got home from work, he saw that we were just not in sync, so, he took her into her room, sat with her, and told her she could cry, scream, whatever she wanted. She was in there with him for a good 15 minutes just crying. And then…silence.

They both came out and she ran to me, and said: “I’m really sorry mommy, I’m ready to sleep now”.

While they were in the room and she was having a meltdown, I was out in the living room having a meltdown of my own. I cried and cried and just felt that anger. So by the time she was hugging me, I was squeezing her back saying “I’m sorry too, mommy is just super tired”.

You see…the both of us didn’t have a good day. It’s easy for me to forget that the tiny human yelling at me isn’t doing that to just make me angry and, while I’m having such a hard time myself, my almost 3-year-old little girl was getting pretty irritated with me too.

But in order for me to comprehend that, I had to first acknowledge, validate and allow my feelings to pour…so that I could let them go.

This post originally appeared on Love, mamãe.
feature image: Ryan Franco via Unsplash

I'm a stay-at-home mom to two toddlers, ages 3 and 1. Also a wife, a homemaker, business owner, and the heart behind the motherhood blog "Love, mamãe". My goal? To help mothers survive the toddler years with joy, grace, and sanity!

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What I Didn’t Understand About Being a Working Mom Before I Was One

By Dana Nichols

Once upon a time, I was one of the youngest employees at any given place I worked. A sweet little baby ready to change the world! Ugh, my goodness, someone go back and talk some sense into her. But I digress…

My point is, I’ve worked with a lot of mamas throughout the years. My career in nonprofit management means that I’ve worked with a lot of women because the nonprofit deck is stacked to be mostly female. And while it goes without saying these working mamas were absolute badasses, there was a lot I didn’t realize until I became a working mom myself.

I saw working moms come in flustered at 8 a.m. and didn’t realize the battles they’d already fought that day to get kids fed, dressed, and off to school on time.

I watched working moms hang up silly artwork their kids made without realizing that a little human at home had said, “I made this for your office mama,” and that it was actually the most beautiful piece of art they’d ever seen.

I watched working moms go to meetings that could’ve been handled in an email, work through projects that coworkers were taking way too long on, and read through intolerable memos with the grace and patience of a queen. They knew something I didn’t: Nothing that happens at the office is anywhere near as important as what happens in their life at home.

I watched working moms count down until 5 p.m. and race out the door like their pants were on fire. I had no idea they were just getting started on the second part of their day. No idea that they were analyzing if they were going to make it to daycare or aftercare on time before late pickup fees started. I didn’t realize they’d get in traffic and start calculating how long until they got there, how many minutes until they got home to make dinner, do homework, do the bath, and bedtime. I didn’t realize that drive might be the only alone time they’d have for the day and they’d have to be actively shutting off from work mode and into mommy mode.

I didn’t know that she’d feel guilty for wanting to have a career, for not caring about her career anymore, or for being fine where she was because a promotion could tip her rocking boat right over.

I watched working moms smile at me when I was impossibly rude and couldn’t bother to remember their kids’ names even though we worked together for years. I politely smiled at her cute little stories but didn’t realize how full her heart was from those special moments.

I didn’t realize that for working moms a ‘perk’ was getting to go to the bathroom alone with the door closed.

I watched working moms call (and later email and text) to say their kid was sick and they’d be out. And could I cover this? Or could someone call to reschedule that? I had no idea the guilt she’d wrestled with, how exhausted she was from being up all night, and sometimes how relieved she was to just be home for a day. Even if it meant cleaning up puke.

I invited working moms to parties my friends and I were hosting that started insanely late at night. I laughed along when they said they couldn’t come and told them they’d be missing out.  I had no idea they weren’t.

I didn’t realize that a call from the school could send her into a panic and that most of those calls actually start with someone saying, ‘Your child is okay but…’ and then go on to explain any number of incidents that occurred she’ll have to deal with later.

I didn’t know that some days, work was a break from a hard night at home. And some days, work took her away from the best night at home.

I didn’t know that she had no idea how great she was doing. That most days she rocked work and went home and rocked motherhood. And that she wouldn’t ever think that. And she’d spend the night wondering how she could do better the next day.

This post originally appeared on Momlando.

Dana Nichols is a mama in Orlando where's she's raising Violet & Simon with her husband Reid. They are always on the hunt for the best donut and are obsessed with painting murals on the walls outside their house. Dana runs Momlando which aims to inspire and unite moms in Central Florida.

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As a Single Mom, I Felt like a Failure. Then I Missed My Flight Home.

By Elise Buie, Esq.

What happens when you physically can’t be in two places at once? And, all of a sudden, you’re relying on someone else to pick up the slack, the slack you dropped, regardless of what circumstance caused you to drop it. Then, imagine that the person you have to depend on is (a) someone you hadn’t counted on in a long time and (b) someone you certainly wouldn’t want to know you needed help.

On a snowy day soon after my divorce, that’s what happened, and, for the first time, I got a taste of what being a divorced single parent was all about. Despite being newly free from a marriage that brought me pain and dragged me down, I hadn’t counted on the rush of emotions I would experience after missing something as simple as a 20-minute parent-teacher conference.

And, damn it, I deserved that romantic getaway, too! It was my off-weekend or, as I like to call it, divorce’s silver lining. I had recently started dating a man, someone I liked very much. I was living in Minnesota, co-parenting with my ex-husband nearby. The man I was seeing, however, lived in Seattle. So the night before Thanksgiving, I dropped the kids off at my ex’s and got on a plane to the West Coast to spend some time together.

I scheduled myself to fly back to Minnesota on Sunday, right in time for my daughter’s sophomore parent-teacher conferences on Monday. Up until that point, I had never missed a parent-teacher conference for any of our four kids. But as I sat at the Seattle airport looking at unseasonal snow everywhere, I realized there was a first time for everything. I was beside myself with guilt.

Reluctantly, I called my ex-husband and told him that I would need him to attend the conference. He had only gone to a few such conferences over the years, but I knew he’d be fine. Unfortunately, he didn’t feel the same sense of confidence I did. Believing he needed a cheat sheet, he instructed our 15-year-old daughter to write a paragraph about each class.

She was horrified. How could her dad ask her to do homework when she already had so much, and only so he could attend her parent-teacher conference? It was ludicrous. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I think I did both, along with our daughter, although for different reasons. Could my missing something as basic as a parent-teacher conference cause such pain to all of us?

Our daughter did the “assignment” and then blamed me. After all, if I hadn’t brought this new man into my life, which meant into our family, I wouldn’t have fallen short on missing yet another important “Mom” thing. She was right. But she was also wrong because I knew in my head that as a single woman, I should have the chance to find a partner I would be happy with and want to share my life with one day. Either way, it didn’t stop my heart from hurting. Because of my trip, my so-called selfishness, I was the one who failed. I was sick with guilt.

As for the conference, my ex-husband passed with flying colors. He heard all about our daughter’s classes, how she was doing, and what areas she needed to work on throughout the school year. He relayed the information to me, and although I felt guilty that I missed hearing the information firsthand and that my ex punished our daughter because I wasn’t there to listen to it directly, I felt relieved.

Even in my absence, the sun still came up the next day, my ex-husband survived the ordeal, and our daughter eventually forgave me. I knew then I wasn’t the only one who had to be in a certain place at a certain time or do everything with and for my kids just because my title was “Mom.” With that one missed flight and one missed conference, I was liberated from all of the pressure I put on myself. It was life-changing—for the better, for all of us as a family, including my ex-husband.

Years later, when my new husband (the same guy I was visiting in Seattle) and I were traveling and both unable to attend my son’s sixth-grade parent-teacher conference, my husband’s daughter, a recent college grad, was up for the challenge. She went on mine and my son’s father’s behalf, as he still lived back in Minnesota and was unable to come. (He later moved to Seattle, too, to avoid missing such moments.)

Everyone at the school commented about how “cool” it was that my son’s older step-sister came to the conference, how many insightful questions she asked, and how supportive she was of him and his learning. And she did it all without making her stepbrother do extra homework, sending my newly blended family straight to the head of the class.

Elise Buie, Esq. is a Seattle-based family and divorce lawyer and founder of ​Elise Buie Family Law Group​. A champion for maintaining civility throughout the divorce process, Elise advocates for her clients and the best interests of their children, helping them move forward with dignity and strength.

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6 Ways to Practice Self-Love Daily

By Jen Kathrina-Anne

Showing yourself some self-love can go a long way in strengthening your mental and emotional health and peace of mind. Here are six ways to practice self-love daily:

1. Realize That Self-Care Is Not Selfish
Say it with me: self-care is not selfish. It is you taking care of your basic needs and rights as a human being. It is about doing the little things that bring you joy and promote peace within you. None of us can pour from an empty cup.

2. Forgive Yourself for past Mistakes
Sometimes we carry the weight of our past decisions and actions into our present. While thinking about the past is important to give us clarity and perspective, it’s important not to beat ourselves up. Today is always a chance to do better and to learn from mistakes, not to dwell in regret. Be kind to yourself.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Any Emotion 
Every day we will feel many different emotions. It’s ok to not feel ok, as they say. Allow your negative emotions to pass over and through you without guilt and the need to be “happy” all the time. Realize that feeling any and all of your emotions is a normal part of being human.

4. Limit News & Social Media
While it’s certainly important to know what’s happening in the world, there is such a thing as too much information. We are inundated daily by news reports and everyone else’s opinion about all of it. Try to limit your intake to a reasonable amount per day and maybe even consider taking one day per week to detox completely from media.

5. Declutter Your Space 
Sometimes we let clutter take over without even realizing it. Many times physical clutter can represent mental clutter. When we take the time to declutter our space, it contributes to mental decluttering and a more relaxed atmosphere.

6. Get Out in Nature
Humans are not meant to be cooped up all day. Do yourself a favor and get outside for fresh air even if it means just standing on your front porch. Fresh air, sunshine, and greenery go a long way in perking up your mood!

 

 

This post originally appeared on The Haute Mommy Handbook.

Jen Kathrina-Anne is a blogger, freelance writer, and graphic designer. When she’s not writing or designing, she enjoys spending time outdoors in the California Bay Area where she resides with her husband and two fearless daughters. Find her at www.hautemommyhandbook.com.

 

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It’s Okay to Be an Okay Mom

By Natalie Fuertes

How many of those “perfect Instagram” moms do you follow on social media? You know the ones. They seem to have it all—their house is spotless, their toddler is eating a gourmet meal full of the vegetables they grew in their perfectly manicured backyard, and they’re always dressed in white linen that somehow manages to stay immaculately clean.

You sigh, click off your phone, and are shocked at your reflection, impressed that you’ve been able to go about your day, looking the way you do. Horrified, you look up, and observe the rest of your reality—your daughter’s fingernails which, for some reason, are full of flour and glitter; your son, who desperately needs a haircut and has already outgrown the tee shirt you bought him last week; your apartment and the visual reminders of the chores you can never seem to get to in one weekend.

This is your life. And now you feel like crap.

We live in a society that tells us we need to hide our struggles. That you need to make it seem like you’re doing it all—work a full-time job that you love, spend quality time with your kids and your partner, put a healthy dinner on the table every night. And do it with a beautiful, Invisalign-ed smile. However, that’s not real life.

I’ll start by letting you in on a little secret. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and depression, and I suffer from frequent panic attacks. Do you think of me differently now?

Here’s my reality: I’m a worrier by nature. I look for emergency exits whenever I enter a room. I catastrophize everything. I take notes during post-apocalyptic movies. Should the world ever suffer some sort of global emergency, I have a plan. And a back-up plan. And a back-up plan to my back-up plan.

But here’s where it gets taken to the next level: simple, everyday tasks give me anxiety. I can’t go into a new coffee shop because I need to know their exact ordering process before I go inside. Why? I Because I don’t want to be that annoying customer that asks the barista for milk in my coffee when I’m actually supposed to pour it myself. I struggle to book medical appointments if I can’t do it online. Why? Because the thought of talking to someone on the phone to find a date that works sends me into a panic.

Here are some things that I’ve learned that help me live with anxiety:

It’s a medical condition.

I’m the queen of saying “I’m fine” and I push through even when I feel like crap. It’s taken me years to get to the point where I feel like it’s ok to say “I don’t feel ok today.” If you have the flu you rest, right? It’s the same thing with anxiety. You need to listen to your body and treat it the same way you would any other medical condition—whether that means taking medication, going to therapy, or self-managing with mindfulness techniques.

Know your triggers.

My biggest one is “mom guilt.” I work well over 40 hours a week. I love my job, but I’ve got to juggle that with raising my two kids. There are days when I want to put blinders on and just focus on work, but I’ve got to pick up the kids from school and make dinner. There are days when I just want to be a mom and spend time lounging on the couch with the kids, but then there’s a fire that needs to be put out at work. Most days I feel like a failure at work and at home and it’s a terrible feeling.

So how do I deal with this on a regular basis? Truthfully, I don’t have the answer yet. But I am learning how to ease the guilt a bit so that I’m not in a constant state of depression. I remind myself that I’m doing my best. Did the kids eat? Great. It doesn’t matter that it was a bowl of cereal or microwaveable nuggets. If you are measuring your life against a social media fantasy, you will always come up short. At the end of the day, here’s your reality: your kids are loved, they’re safe, and it’s you that they run to when they’re upset.

You’ve got to ask for help.

I grew up with the mentality that asking for help was a sign of weakness. So, I’ve started with baby steps and, for me, that means simply admitting that I need help. I can’t do it all alone and I’ve come to realize that I have people around me that are willing to lend a hand.

I’ve gotten better at talking to my husband and verbalizing how he can help me. By telling him the things which trigger my anxiety (i.e. making appointments for the kids), he now knows what he can do to help. And on the days when I have a lot on my plate at work, I’ve gotten comfortable with texting my crew of mom friends and asking for help. I’ve come to realize that “It takes a village” isn’t just a saying.

There was a time before my diagnosis when I just felt like I was a terrible mom, a horrible wife, and a useless employee. I know now that, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I give my all to everything, every day. Even when it means that my “all” is making breakfast for dinner three nights in a row and missing a work deadline.

Some days I feel great. Other days, I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. Some days I can tackle every item on my to-do list. Other days, just getting the kids to school and getting myself into the office is all I can muster. It’s life with anxiety. It’s my reality. And it’s ok.

Natalie Fuertes is the owner of Industry Gymnastics, a gymnastics facility in NYC that focuses on creating a space that is welcoming to all children, regardless of race, gender identity, or sexual-orientation. She is a proud Nuyorican, racial justice advocate, wife, and mama of two. 

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The Fire Extinguisher Solution to Parenting

By Jamie Edelbrock

The other night I was watching one of my favorite shows, New Girl. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a hilarious show about four roommates living life as a family unit in California. In this particular episode, one of the roommates is cooking buttered bacon on the stove. An argument occurs, and he turns his back on the sizzling meat for a minute. Before the close pals know it, a grease fire starts. Chaos breaks out and one of them, thinking it will help, sprays water on the flames. That, of course, only makes things worse.

Have you ever wondered why you can’t put a grease fire out with water? The reason you can’t is that oil and water don’t mix. When water hits the grease, it causes the grease to splatter, which causes the fire to spread rapidly.

The picture of an unexpected, explosive grease fire is how I feel about parenting sometimes. I always mean well, but it doesn’t always end well. Unfortunately, my watery methods don’t always mix with my children’s sometimes oily troubles.

It reminds me of a time I was working as a Family Director at a local preschool. I opened the school at 6:30 a.m. every morning, and my children came with me. Although I worked at the preschool, my children didn’t attend this school during the day, so the bus would pick them up and take them to their public school every morning. On this particular morning, my then-seven-year-old child refused to get on the bus, and I was very frustrated. We were causing a scene in front of parents, students, and staff. I thought for sure that if I demanded and yelled that she gets on the bus, she would. Tough love, right? Wrong. It was an unexpected, explosive grease fire moment.

Amidst parents dropping their kids off at the preschool, she was crying, shouting, and stomping her feet. I was pointing at the door and was yelling for her to leave. All I kept wondering was why she wasn’t listening. I couldn’t help but feel I was a failure as a mom, and if I was a failure as a mom, I was certainly a failure as the school’s family director! Ugh. We didn’t know at that moment, but we both felt lost, embarrassed, and hurt at the same time.

Kids are resilient, and thankfully an explosive moment or fiery disagreement doesn’t mean you have ruined your children or that you’re a failure as a parent. However, after many moments like this one, I was wondering what I was doing wrong.

It wasn’t long after that a friend suggested we see a therapist. Although worry and shame filled my mind, we eventually took the advice. Guess what? It turned out my daughter wasn’t trying to spite me when she was acting up, and she wasn’t trying to cause trouble every day. After several sessions and evaluations, she was diagnosed with anxiety. (Insert mom guilt here!)

I have seen kids struggle with their mental health throughout my life, from siblings and students to my children. Each experience was unique, but there is something in common with every situation—the children always looked to adults to be the calming voice in their chaos. They are looking to caregivers to smother their fire, not increase the flames.

Laura Guarino-Youngfleisch MA, LMHC, is the clinical manager of children’s outreach health services at SalusCare, Inc. In an article, she said, “Every child deserves to be healthy both physically and mentally. You can help any child you know by ensuring that he or she gets the necessary services simply by noticing there is a problem and advocating on the child’s behalf.”

Parents—you, yes you, are your child’s most prominent advocate and best protector. So if there is more chaos than calm, and if you are having a hard time smothering fires, it’s time to reach for outside help. Help comes in all different ways. It can be a phone call to a trusted friend, an appointment with the school counselor, or a call to a professional therapist.

I know your palms may be sweating, and you may have a knot in your stomach at the thought of reaching out for help. You’d probably rather be watching New Girl than picking up the phone and make a call. Trust me, I’ve been there, but help is ok. It’s more than ok. It’s a gift to you and your child. As I learned through trial and error, outside help is the fire extinguisher solution.

This post originally appeared on www.jamieedelbrock.com.

Jamie is married to her high school sweetheart and has three beautiful daughters. Through years of experience working with children, and raising her own, she knows how difficult parenting can be. She is an advocate for children's mental health and is best known for her creativity, optimism, and kind heart.

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