The other night was “wine night” for a few moms in my neighborhood. We do this every couple of months when we get together for our “PTO meeting” where we stay out too late, pour one too many, and hit the alarm clock more than we should the next morning. The most recent one was last week. I desperately needed a glass of wine and some girl talk, but having a five-week old baby meant that I also desperately need sleep.
Wine or sleep? Wine or sleep? (The struggle is real!)
Then the voice of a good friend came through with some words of wisdom, a piece of mom advice that I always refer back to when I’m stuck in a situation where I really want to do something, but question whether I can fit it all in.
Let me tell you this is one of the best pieces of parenting advice that I ever received. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s a no-brainer. But for some reason, it’s something that I always had a hard time implementing until recently. Ready for it?!
Say no to things that you may really want to do if it will make your life easier.
Sounds easy, right? Who doesn’t want to make their life easier? I mean we’re told in the workforce to say no all the time. It’ll help advance your career path. It’ll lighten your load. Heck, we say no to our kids all the time! Recently I have even seen books on why it is healthy to say no. But for my type A personality I always feel like I can figure out a way to make it all happen all the while stressing myself in the process—its just my personality. For better or worse I am a people pleaser which makes exercising this “rule” pretty hard at times. It’s hard to turn down things that you or someone in your family really want to do (like go drink some wine down the street).
Truth be told, putting it into action has literally saved me time and sanity. Let me give you some examples…
That birthday party for your kid’s classmate that starts at 7:30 pm when your kid goes to bed at 8 pm. Say no. When you’re invited to somebody’s house for a weekend get-together and you already have two other things to do right before then, say no. When school asks for you to help with volunteering for the next event but you’re not sure you can pick up your other kids and make it there in time, say no. When you get invited to Adele’s concert but you’re not feeling well and coming off a work trip, say no. When you want to catch some zzz’s even though you want some gal time, go for the sleep!
I found that there is always another time for these events, invitations, volunteering, etc. There will always be more birthday parties, get togethers, school fundraisers, and even concerts to attend. Your sanity, health, and time are more important! So do as we teach our kids when it comes to drugs—JUST SAY NO! You’ll thank me for it.
Erin is a working mom of two exploring ways to embrace change and find new hobbies in her search for life outside of Corporate America. She lives in Bucks County Pennsylvania with her husband, two kids, and Boston Terrier. She also loves ice cream and chocolate. A lot.
Ahh, new motherhood. You go from dreaming of the day your baby will arrive to holding that tiny, wriggling bundle in your arms and thinking, “What the heck do I do now?” Hang tight! We’re here to help. We asked experienced moms to tell us one thing they wish they’d known when they first became parents, and they really delivered—from wisdom on sleep to life-changing self-care tips, and getting perspective on those intense early days. But the one thing they all agreed on is the most important of all: that you’re doing an amazing job.
Adjusting to Mom Life
“In the beginning, I wish I knew how to roll with it, not get frustrated, and that I would need lots of patience…. I was used to being in control and having some order to my life. My kids came into the picture and all of that was thrown out the window! Now they’ve broken me in and I roll with everything, but I remember that part being really hard for me.” — Kathy
“If I had a dime for every time I did something that I said I would never do when I was a know-it-all childless woman, I’d be rich.” — Jessie
“Do NOT let all the do’s & don’ts of parenting discourage you. As long as you keep your baby safe, healthy, and nurtured… you are doing a beautiful job. DON’T compare yourself to other moms! It’s not healthy!” — Ruthie
“I wish I had spent my time reading about postpartum rather than pregnancy books. During pregnancy, you have a doctor guiding you. But postpartum, you pretty much are on your own, and getting a counselor does not mean you are a bad parent.” — Reyna
“The most profound thing I heard and will never forget… Your baby was attached to you for 9 months. For the first 6 months of their life, they don’t actually realize they are still not a part of you! Love on that baby like they are still attached to you.” — Tara
“You will be a crazy emotional wreck (and a total a-hole at times) for the first ~6 months, but that’s okay because you just created another human being in your body.” — Sanaz
Getting Through Those Tough Moments
“I wish I had known that sometimes babies cry for no reason. They are not broken, and you didn’t do anything wrong. It will eventually get better; just breathe and try to comfort your new human!” — Melissa
“Take each stage as a stage. If things are really hard, just breathe. Your baby will hit a new milestone in a few weeks and things will change. The first year is like a book with all these mini-chapters, and you’ll be on to the next one before you realize it.” — Erin
“He isn’t GIVING you a hard time; he’s HAVING a hard time. (The wisest words I ever received from my mother-in-law.) It has helped me every single day of motherhood to keep their needs and moods in perspective.” — Elizabeth
“There are no mistakes, you learn as you go, and trust that you and your baby will figure it out and grow together. I thought I was so prepared with the books, asking mommy friends and relatives, and at the end of it, I just threw that all out and took those deep breaths and went with it.” — Sheilah
“It’s okay to breastfeed and be comfortable enough to do so in public. Took until my third child to be able to do so and have no shame or embarrassment.” — Brittany
“Breastfeeding hurts in the beginning, and that’s normal. Imagine washing your calloused hands 30 minutes straight every 2 hours—they’d crack and bleed too! Your nipples are nowhere near as calloused as your hands, so be patient with yourself and baby because it’s a learning process.” — Jeni
“Don’t be discouraged or beat yourself up if your milk supply doesn’t come in like you want or expected. Or if your baby simply isn’t interested. Just keep trying and don’t give up… if that’s what you choose. And if it’s just not working for you and/or baby, then allow yourself to bottle-feed without the guilt!” — Jamie
Sleep: That Thing You Used to Do Whenever You Wanted
“Not all babies are wired to sleep through the night. I don’t sleep through the night, and neither does my kid. Professionals actually consider sleeping through the night to be 5 hours, not 8 or 12.” — Erin
“You will hear, ‘Sleep when the baby does,’ but for some of us, that is impossible. Ask for help and have a trusted hero [to] give you a few hours of sleep!” — Lauren
“You never know what you’re going to get. Try and rest as much as possible but don’t stress if you can’t. There is always the chance you get a sleep-through-the-night-early baby.” — Sarah
“Your body will change. Some of those changes are permanent, some are fleeting, some of them hurt, some will take you months to notice. Embracing the changes—good and bad—is the best way to get through them. (I named my hemorrhoids…it felt better than crying every day… just saying.) And at the end of it all, you will be stronger than you ever knew possible. — Paige
“The hair loss! Not once during or after my pregnancy did anyone talk about the possible postpartum hair loss. I thought I was losing all of my hair.” — Madison
“I wish I had known that I would pee a little every time I sneezed for the rest of my life.” — Katie
“It is okay to let baby cry for a couple minutes. It’s okay to shower and leave them in the crib even if they are crying (if they are crying, they are ALIVE!). And it’s okay to go out and leave baby home with dad. (All learned the hard way.)” — Bella
“Postpartum anxiety is real! Get help and don’t be ashamed. Sometimes, you can’t help how you think and feel. You’re not alone.” — Marisol
“Don’t underestimate the power of support. If you don’t have that built-in (family, friends), hire someone whose main focus is to support you.” — Jacquie
“Remember: Under 2 years, playdates aren’t for them, they’re for you.” — Liz
“YOUR health is still most important. Take care of your needs too.” — Morgan
“Have a good friend who you can call and cry about your actual life, but who you can call too and talk about how amazing your baby’s development is, and how proud you are.” — Tania
“Learn to program your coffeemaker. Such a great self-care thing to do at the end of the day to have something nice in the morning!” — Rachel
Leave The House During Those Early Days (Yes, Really!)
“Go out to dinners with your significant other/spouse and baby while they’re not mobile and sleep a lot. It feels daunting to go out in public with a newborn, but that’s when they’re the easiest! And you and your partner can keep the connection going!” — Haruko
“They’re easier when they don’t move. Like, a ton easier. You won’t realize how easy they were until they’re 2 and 3 and you’re pregnant again realizing you feel going to Disneyland seems so doable with a baby that doesn’t move. Life with a newborn seems so simple in retrospect.” — Jeni
What to Buy & What Not to Buy
“Get a simple high chair with no little nooks and crannies — like the IKEA high chair. It is so hard to clean the fancy five-position chairs.” — Sasha
“Don’t buy pajamas with buttons. They are a nightmare! Zippers will make life easier, especially for those diaper changes in the middle of the night.” — Carolyn
“Put Tucks or witch hazel pads in the fridge or freezer. All of your angry parts will thank you.” — Lesley
How Fast It Goes…
“Now that mine is 25 and my grandbaby is 4, the one thing I miss most is the sweet innocence when they are so small. That you are their entire world. Enjoy the cuddles, the softness of their voices, even their tears. It goes so quickly, and before you know it, they’re independent and more interested in everything BUT you.” — Lisa
“I wish I knew that it would be over in the blink of an eye. The first three years are so intense and hard on your marriage and on you mentally…. It feels boring and like you chose the wrong thing, but you aren’t supposed to admit that. So you smile and talk about how it is the best thing that ever happened to you. And it is. But some days you want to choose something else. And then it’s over. Then they eat their food and sleep through the night. They go to the potty and to school. Then those precious baby snuggles turn into a mommy who needs one more snuggle but the baby is too busy. The kids want to go on playdates and sleepovers. They want to spend Saturdays having sleepovers with friends and you are left shuttling them around and missing the days when you could coo at your sweet little baby. Don’t fast-forward. Don’t skip the moments. Don’t tune out and wonder where you’re meant to be or if there is something bigger out there for you. There’s not. This is it and it’s really, really short.” — Trish
If there’s one thing parents can count on, is that kids usually love one of these: dinosaurs, trains or planes. And if you find yourself with an airplane fanatic at home—you know, a mini Maverick who feels the need for speed? Roger that—we’ve rounded up the best spots in SoCal to see planes up close, learn about aviation history and even where to take a thrilling flight. So buckle up and put your tray table in the upright and locked position because these high-flying ideas are ready for takeoff!
This airplane-themed restaurant is absolutely one of the best places in town to bring kids who are super into flying. Indoors, there’s a great food bazaar with plentiful family-favorite dining choices like Bludso's BBQ, burgers, chicken and waffles, Asian selections, pizza, healthy farmer’s market options and a swell kid’s menu. Outside is truly where it’s at though—with a fab playground, spacious grassy area and plenty of incoming flights making their way into LAX one after the other—it may just blow your kid’s mind.
Insider Tip: Competition for a good spot on the patio or around the fire pits is fierce on summer evenings so you may have a better shot getting an outside table during the week rather than on the weekend.
Hours: Wed., Thurs. and Sun. 11:30 a.m. - 7 p.m., Fri. and Sat. 11:30 a.m. - 8 p.m.
What’s better than downing a delicious Double-Double from In-N-Out? Enjoying it while planes soar overhead at LAX! The In-N-Out on the northwest corner of 92nd St. and Sepulveda Blvd. is one of the prime spots in town for die-hard plane lovers. Located right next to the arrivals runway, this is an incredible place to watch incoming airplanes land. There are tables outside the restaurant as well as a grassy park directly across the street where you can picnic.
Hours: Vary daily for dine-in and drive-thru.
9149 S. Sepulveda Blvd. Los Angeles Online: in-n-out.com
Vista Del Mar Park
This tiny park along the coast is one of the premiere locales to catch planes taking off from LAX. Vista Del Mar Park sits directly under some of the airport’s main runways, giving onlookers a stunning view of planes taking off over Dockweiler Beach. There's also a small playground and picnic tables, making it an ideal spot for sunset picnic.
Clutter’s Park is one of the very best places for watching planes take off from LAX’s south runways—just 1,500 feet away. The park features a few benches to rest your duff for some serious plane spotting, but it may be wise to bring a chair or two from home as well. It gets especially crowded on weekends, so for the best views, early weekday outings are a better bet.
Van Nuys Airport has a public observation area open daily that features permanent displays, special children's exhibits and live broadcasts of air traffic controllers in the airport's control tower. Because airport tours are still suspended at the moment due to COVID, kids are invited to take a virtual tour that gives little ones an insider’s look at the aircrafts, history, activities and people at the airport.
Hours: Open daily, 8 a.m. - dusk.
Woodley Ave. and Waterman Dr. (East Side of Airfield) Van Nuys Online: iflyvny.com
As the only aviation museum at a major airport, the Flight Path Museum is truly one of a kind. The museum hosts an impressive collection of airline artifacts, including a display of over 600 airline uniforms from 68 airlines around the world, and walks you through the history of LAX. Other must-sees include the DC-3 Exhibit, Space Exploration Exhibit, Flying Tigers Exhibit and Fire Fighting Vehicle Exhibit. Another bonus to coming here is being able to watch the planes taxi, take off and land at adjacent LAX. Free parking is available and advanced reservations for these one-hour visits are required.
Hours: Fri. and Sat. 12 p.m. - 4 p.m. Cost: $5 per adult and $3 per child.
The Museum of Flying in Santa Monica invites plane fans to explore the fascinating aviation history of its beachside city. The venue features tons of interactive exhibits and memorabilia from the Donald Douglas Aircraft Company, as well as recreations of the Douglas Aircraft Company Executive Boardroom and office of Chairman and Founder, Donald W. Douglas. But the real star of the show here are the myriad aircrafts on display including a replica of The Wright Flyer, a North American Navion, a Douglas A-4 Skyhawk, T-33 Cockpit and many more. There is lots of free parking and awesome views of from Santa Monica Airport’s observation deck nearby.
Hours: Thurs. - Sun. 10 a.m. - 4 p.m. Cost: Adults are $12, kids aged 3-12 are $6 and littles 2 or younger are free.
Filled with interactive exhibits from head to toe, the California Science Center never disappoints. And when it comes to aircrafts, the same holds true. Whether it showing kids the 1902 Wright Brothers Glider, a F-20 Tigershark fighter plane, the Velie Monocoupe, an A-12 Blackbird or tons of other artifacts, little ones will love learning how scientific principles affect aircraft design. Children can even pretend to be a pilot for the day in the Flying Club Simulator. No slouch to the airplanes, kids will also love checking out the Space Shuttle Endeavour during their visit as well. Timed-entry reservations are required.
Hours: Daily, 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Cost: General admission is free with a small service fee for online reservations. Featured exhibitions and simulators are available at an extra cost.
The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum is a must-see for so many reasons, but the Air Force One Pavilion will be what your kiddos remember most. Guests are invited to step aboard the same Air Force One that flew President Reagan over 660,000 miles during his time in office. The exhibit offers visitors a real sense of what it was like to fly in this iconic plane, including a vibration and tilt that make it feel as though you're getting ready to take off down the runway. Also featured at the museum are the F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Fighter and F-14 Tomcat, as well as the Marine One helicopter that Presidents Johnson, Nixon and Ford flew during their time in office.
Tomorrow’s Aeronautical Museum in Compton is actively inspiring the next generation about the world of aviation. Museum highlights include an exhibit on the Tuskegee Airmen, a T-33 and T-38 Talon, a UH-1 Huey Helicopter, a T-28 Trojan and a replica of the Spirit of St. Louis, among others. Kids will also love a harrowing turn in the Top Gun flight simulators – F-16 style cockpits outfitted with state-of-the-art fighter jet simulators which can be set up for team dog flights and airfield or carrier landings.
Hours: Daily, 8 a.m. - 8 p.m. Cost: Museum tours are free, but flight simulator costs vary.
Just a quick drive to Torrance and you'll land a the Western Museum of Flight—well-worth the trip for plane lovers. Dedicated to preserving and displaying Southern California’s aircraft history and heritage, the museum features several incredible items that kids can both see and touch, including Warbirds, aircraft and target drones, piston and jet craft engines, aircraft components, ejection seats, World War II instruments, aircrew accessories and an extensive model aircraft collection.
Hours: Fri. - Mon. 10 a.m. - 3 p.m. Cost: $5 per person and kids 10 and under are free.
If you don’t mind the trek to the OC, Flightdeck may be right up your alley as it features incredible flight simulators in both fighter jets and Boeing 737s. The minimum age for kids is 11 years old so this a better outing for the tweens and teens in your brood. Amateur pilots are invited to experience the thrill of aerial maneuvers at 600 knots and air-to-air combat in an authentic military flight simulator. Or you can take the controls of commercial airliner in their Boeing 737 flight simulator. Classroom training and in-flight instruction are provided. Your wingmen who may not wish to participate are welcome to watch all the action on large LCD screen inside the Officer’s Club. Be sure to wear light clothing as you will be putting on a flight suit over it during your simulation.
Cost: Fighter jet simulations start at $59 and Boeing 737 simulations start at $109. Reservations are highly recommended.
Launched in 1992, the Young Eagles program has made it its mission to help inspire kids in the world of aviation and give them firsthand experiences in flight. Through the generosity of EAA (Experimental Aircraft Association) volunteers, the organization has dedicated 25 years to giving area youth ages 8-17 their first free ride in an airplane. During the 15-20-minute flight, pilots walk kids through the various parts of the airplane and answer any questions about flying or aviation. Parents are invited to find a Young Eagles event or pilot near them and fill out the necessary registration online.
As the leading provider of airplane tours for both tourists and locals in LA, Corsair Aviation takes guests up, up and away in a luxurious Cessna over some of LA’s most iconic landmarks—whether it's soaring over downtown and the Hollywood sign or cruising high over Santa Monica and Malibu, every passenger on board gets a window seat for the best view. Tours start at 30 min. in length and go up from there.
Indoor Skydiving:iFly Hollywood has a vertical wind-tunnel waiting for flight fanatics. Jump into a tunnel of air with an instructor and feel the thrill of skydiving without being 10,000 feet in the air. Prices start at $75. Flyers must be over 3 years of age and kids under 18 must have a parent sign their waiver.
Parasailing over the Ocean: Strap into a seat side-by-side with the kids while parasailing off the Marina Del Rey harbor. The minimum age to parasail is 6 years old and kids under 18 must have a parent to sign their liability waiver. Rates start at $105 per person.
Zip-Lining as a Family: Zip with views of the ocean in Catalina ($139 per person during the spring and summer). Participants aged 10 and up and weighing at least 80 lbs. may ride solo. Kids between ages 5- 9 must ride tandem with someone age 18 and older who will act as the child’s guardian during the trip. Littles under 5 are too young to zipline. If you want to make a whole weekend of adventure, here’s our awesome guide to spending the weekend in Catalina.
My son was 10 when we relocated to a new city and state. And with that move came some new vocabulary as well.
Right away, child-of-mine picked up on the fact that his new classmates were saying, with some frequency, the word “crap,” a syllable I’d strictly forbidden from crossing his sassy little lips. And when he first heard a teacher shamelessly utter the expression, right there in front of her students, he decided we needed to have a little chit-chat on the subject.
Using his powers of persuasion and logic—which are both impressive and infuriating—he convinced me to let him try out this previously banned four-letter word. But I wasn’t thrilled about it—and he knew it.
And so it went. Naturally, he had a very hard time suppressing his newfound fascination with the pseudo-swear. “Crappity-crap-crap-crap!” Suddenly, I was cohabitating with a pint-sized, PG-rated sailor.
“That’s crap!”
“What the crap?”
“Holy crap!”
So we had to set some ground rules. Those three expressions above, yeah, they were nixed immediately. When I proposed he could try “what the heck” instead of “what the crap” or “holy moly” instead of “holy crap,” he guffawed at my old-lady ways, and I glimpsed the teenager he would most likely become. Whether I was uncool or not, he had no choice but to relent to the Mommy-in-Charge.
And so, thank goodness, he began to dial it back. “That’s crap!” transformed into “That’s junk!” (Sigh. Is that really any better?) And we came upon a consensus: No “crapping” in public or in front of family. And no excessive “crappity-crap-crapping” just because you have working vocal cords.
He knew this was a test of his maturity—possibly even a gateway to other privileges—and fortunately, treated it as such. In fact, he’s managed to find a palatable balance among all this crap, and he now only sparingly uses the once-controversial expression.
However, there was one unforeseen hiccup I should have seen coming a mile away. But nope. Oh no. I walked right into it. Just days after this new idiomatic freedom was bestowed upon my child, we had friends over for dinner. Gleefully, he announced to everyone in attendance: “My mom lets me say the C-word now!”
I'm a freelance writer with a background in journalism and corporate communications. My musings focus on living abroad, special needs, my puppy dog and everyday mom stuff. I live in the Midwestern USA with my husband, two sons and rescue mutt. For privacy,
Please stop judging me for leaving the office at exactly 5 p.m.; my kids are waiting to be picked up from the sitter.
I know I’m missing this meeting, but my kid’s preschool graduation is more important.
I know I was late today, but I can’t drop the baby off at daycare until 7:45 a.m.
I know that I seem distracted because I am distracted. I have a sick toddler and I am waiting to find out when I can get him into the pediatrician.
I don’t want to look exhausted when I show up at the office, but I have been awake since 4:30 a.m. with an inconsolable kid.
I know that my eyes look glazed over, but I spent the last twelve hours trying to soothe a baby to sleep.
I didn’t mean for my email to seem snippy, but I have a five-year-old that cried this morning because he didn’t want to go to school, and I am worried about him.
Yes, I just banged my head against my desk. I received a text message that my kid has pink eye and I have to leave to get him even though this report is almost due.
I know my eyes are very swollen right now. I spent last night crying because I am exhausted, never get to be alone and haven’t taken a hot shower in five years.
Sorry that I was short with you, but I spent the last hour arguing with a toddler over the necessity of wearing pants to the babysitter.
I know I am supposed to leave my personal life at the door when I come to the office, but when you are a mom to two small kids, that is hard to do.
So thank you to everyone that has given me grace over the last five years.
I could probably stand to give myself a little.
Being a full-time working mom with young kids is not easy.
Thank you to every boss that has let me leave for doctor’s appointments, unexpected sicknesses, preschool graduations, and school lunches.
Thank you to all the people that turned their heads when I was pregnant and had to run out of a meeting to go puke.
Thank you to everyone that has let me know they also had a hard time juggling their work/life/kid balance.
Thank you to the people that ignored my swollen eyes, exhausted face and the spit-up on my blouse.
Thank you to all the other moms that slay it each and every day and motivate me to keep going.
Thank you to the people that encourage me to keep going even though I can feel defeated at times.
Thank you to all the co-workers that have picked up slack for me because I had to make a quick exit to solve a kid emergency.
I know that I am not the only working mom in the world, but I am a working mom and I totally understand what you are going through.
I understand that you feel like you need to overcompensate because you get to work just on time and leave the minute the clock strikes five.
I understand when you eat your lunch at your desk because you have to leave early to get a kid from the sitter to the doctor then back to the sitter and then get yourself back to the office in time for your 2 p.m. meeting.
I understand that sometimes you show up to work looking like you were attacked by a flock of geese because the kids couldn’t find their shoes, you gave someone the wrong color bowl and then forgot to take Sleepy Bear to the babysitter.
I understand that you are tired. Exhausted probably.
But I also understand that you are capable and worthy of so much more than you realize sometimes.
You don’t have to choose between two worlds that you love. You can have them both. You can have a family and a career. It’s not easy, but it is possible.
Yes, the worlds might collide sometimes and make life much more complicated, but it’s worth it.
So don’t stop. Don’t give up. You’ve got this.
And P.S. Not everyone is going to understand. And that’s okay.
I am a full time working mom with two little boys, Henry and Simon. I write about real life and real life gets messy. Contributor for Motherly, HuffPost Parents, Scary Mommy, Today Parents, Love What Matters and Her View From Home.
The structure and stability we’ve created as parents are a safe haven for our children. However, any new experiences, such as the arrival of the pandemic, welcoming a new sibling, or moving houses, can instantly topple over that security blanket.
And although change can happen in an instant, dealing with change entails a spiraling process that involves many stages, such as building awareness and adapting to said change. Moreover, everyone’s needs are varied. After all, we all handle change a little differently. As such, it’s imperative that we give all the members of our family the support they need to help them cope and adapt. That said, below are 5 things to keep in mind:
1. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Try as we might, we can’t always be perfect role models and mentors to our children. What’s important is that we are able to acknowledge their shortcomings. In some cases, it’s even best to check in with a family expert that can help guide us. A counselor with a family studies background will understand what your family needs and will help you develop a plan together. Not only are they equipped with strong analytical skills to understand the root of the issue, but they also have the emotional intelligence to adjust their approach to every member of the family they talk to, especially children. Seeing an expert might be the best choice for those who have difficulty with communicating, marital problems, or dealing with extreme emotions.
2. Slowly adjust to the situation. When the pandemic struck, parents had a hard time adjusting daily routines in order to keep their families safe. The isolation from friends, missing classes, and canceled trips also required a lot of explanation from our side. But we’ve somehow managed to slowly adapt to this sudden life change. For changes that aren’t quite as sudden, we have the privilege to allot time to familiarize your child with the unfamiliar. If the life change is a new school, for instance, arrange for them to meet their new teacher in advance. Accompany them to look around classrooms, and take them through what happens on a typical day in their new school.
3. Manage priorities. Big transitions in life can be seen as opportunities instead of hurdles to overcome. When we’re going through change, we can really assess where our priorities lie. Are we putting my career over my family’s happiness and comfort? Are we being too resilient and refusing the help we need? Learning to manage your priorities can also make the change much easier, or at least, much more bearable. For example, after losing a loved one, prioritize the family’s health first instead of trying to return to normal at once. Making sure everyone’s getting rest, sufficient meals, and time off can actually help them recuperate better physically and mentally.
4. Accept emotions. Next, learn, as a family, to accept your own and each other’s emotions. In fact, marriage and family therapists have noted that it’s necessary to sit with the emotion that comes with any change. Be it grief, excitement, or stress, it’s human nature to feel emotions that might linger while we’re in the process of coping. For children especially, it’s important to acknowledge feelings without trying to invalidate them. For example, you can say: “Moving to a new place can be scary and sad, and it’s normal to feel that way. But we’ll handle this as a family, and we’ll be here every step of the way.” Shielding them from the reality of these emotions, on the other hand, can further slowdown the process of acceptance.
5. Be kind to one another. Lastly, it won’t hurt to teach your kids to be extra kind to one another. Set an example by offering to hear out their concerns and lend them a helping hand, even in the little things. At the same time, allow them to help you in the ways they can; this tip is best for families with addition to the family. Older children like to contribute and feel valued, so allowing them to watch over the baby and help with chores around the house can heighten their sense of empathy and responsibility. Of course, remember to be extra patient and understanding—everyone’s affected by this change, not just yourself. We hope these five tips were helpful and encouraging. Hopefully, you’ll be able to put them into practice and navigate the changes in your life with much more ease.
Rachel is a full-time mom of two boys based in Seattle, a former teacher with a background in psychology and a passion for helping people always see the bright side of things. She also enjoys yoga, baking, photography, and walks in the park.
With many schools going back to virtual learning this month (BIG SIGH), it’s a good time to have a check-in about the do’s and don’ts of “Zoom etiquette.” Make sure your student’s workspace is ready with this TikTok-famous Bluetooth keyboard, a fun desk organizer and all the glitter pens that are forbidden at traditional school. Grab some blue light-blocking glasses and print out this handy list that will make them the teacher’s favorite in no time.
1. Be prepared. Just like any class at school, it's important to have all of your materials ready to go. For virtual school, that means you'll need to know the link, what time you need to be there and what books or printouts you'll need. Get your pencils sharpened in advance so you can be totally prepared to listen when the teacher comes on.
2. Be on time. Let's not waste the teacher's time. Be on time for your class meetings (or even a few minutes early). It's a good idea to test out the class link in advance of your call time, so you know that it works and your system is up and running. Print out your class schedules and post them on your wall as a reminder. Set an alarm (or ask a parent to do that) if you have a hard time remembering when to log on.
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3. Learn how to use the virtual classroom program. Whether you are using Zoom, Google Classroom, WebEx or another program, it's important to know how it works. Learn how to enter the virtual classroom, mute and unmute yourself, turn off your camera and shut down the program. Is there a chat that you need to use? A way to indicate you are raising your hand? Find this out before the class starts.
4. Use headphones with a mic. It's easier for the class to hear from you when you need to talk if you are wearing headphones with an external microphone. Also, headphones will help you block out the distractions around you.
5. Stay in one spot during your call. Resist the urge to head to the kitchen for a snack or take your class meeting outside. It's distracting to your classmates to see you moving around during the class. Find a quiet spot where you will be comfortable for the whole class and make it your classroom spot. Remember, you are in class so lounging on your bed is not a good option. Sit at a desk or your kitchen table so you can have more focus.
6. Dress the part. While school uniforms aren't required for virtual schooling, you do want to make sure you look presentable for class. Change out of your pajamas (unless it is official pajama day), brush your hair and teeth and look presentable. Make sure any shirt you are wearing doesn't have any offensive graphics or text on it. Think about what you'd wear to school and dress accordingly.
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7. Eliminate distractions. Keep in mind that class time is class time even when you are at home. Don't snack or chew gum during class. Turn off the music or the TV in the background. If you need to use the restroom, try to do that before class starts. Don't text or play on your cell phone during the class meeting.
8. Skip the virtual backgrounds. While some programs have fun options to add a virtual background, that can be super distracting to the other students. Unless your teacher has requested it, skip it. Also, it's good to clean up your room or sit in front of a blank wall to keep the mess to a minimum.
9. Wait for your turn. It's tough enough for teachers to manage a class when you are there in the same room. Virtual classes add a whole other challenge. Follow the teacher's instructions for volunteering and don't blurt out an answer unless you are called on. It can be a good idea to raise your hand instead of interrupting so that the teacher can finish the instructions before you jump in.
10. Remember, this is school. While it might be exciting to see your friends (finally!), this is not the time or place to chat about Minecraft or what you had for breakfast. If your virtual classroom has a chat feature, stay out of it unless the teacher requests students use it. Chat is public to everyone in the class (including the teacher), and it can be distracting.
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11. Respect your teachers! This is the most important rule of all! Respect your teachers and all the work they have done to teach you in the virtual classroom. This might be a challenge for them too; we are all learning together. Make sure they know how much you appreciate them. The best way to do this is with good behavior in the virtual classroom (and gift cards don't hurt either!).
It’s been a time, hasn’t it? So much change, confusion, fear, isolation, loss, grief. Adults are exhausted—and while people take it on faith that “Children are resilient,” it’s actually not that simple. According to the CDC and the American Psychological Association, self-harm, depression and anxiety, and ER visits for mental health issues are all on the rise in children as young as six. Younger children are experiencing outbursts and regressive behaviors.
Fortunately, resilience skills can be learned and grow over a lifetime—and it’s never too early to start teaching! (In fact, we adults may even learn something in the process.)
Research shows that children who are resilient benefit from improved mental and emotional well-being and experience less stress. They are curious, courageous, and trust their own instincts. Resilience helps kids stay calm, learn from their mistakes, and remain optimistic. In short, resilience helps kids not just bounce back from adversity, but bounce forward, better than before.
So how do we teach young children to be resilient? Start with these 5 tips:
1. It only takes one loving grownup to make a difference—be that grownup.
You’re open to conversation with your child, and you listen without judgment. You reassure your child that all feelings are okay (even those outsized feelings that are so difficult for grownups to deal with!); it’s what you do with those feelings that counts. When you provide a loving, safe space for a child, this gives them a head start on resilience.
2. Model the resilient behavior you want your child to learn.
Children sometimes find this hard to believe, but let them know that you, too, make mistakes all the time! And when you do, you take a deep breath and try again. Let them see you remaining calm in a stressful or emotional situation—and talk about how you find productive solutions. Encourage them to ask questions and give them age-appropriate answers. Getting honest answers in a loving environment can help a child feel less helpless or scared.
3. Help children identify their feelings—and demonstrate strategies that put them in charge of their emotions.
Sometimes young children seem like a volcano of emotions: roiling and out of control. It can feel like that to them, too! Help them put names to these big feelings: anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear; even excitement or unbridled joy can sometimes go overboard! Use pictures in kids’ books to help them recognize facial expressions and body language that signal different emotions. Recognizing and labeling their own emotions and those of others is a key step toward developing empathy, which is critical for socialization.
Now teach them strategies for managing big emotions—let them know that they’re in charge and they can control their feelings! Take slow, deep breaths. Count to 10. Use positive self-talk in stressful situations: “I’m feeling calm,” or “I’m brave, I’m BRAVE!” Finally, if they’re feeling upset or afraid about terrible world events, teach them to “Look for the helpers”—every situation brings out the good people who want to help make it better.
4. Foster kids’ ability to solve problems for themselves.
There may be no better gift you can give a child than to offer a few problem-solving tips and then step back and let them figure out their own solutions. First, think positively: “I can do this!” Then, try breaking the problem into smaller, more manageable chunks. Have to tidy up a messy bedroom? Don’t try to tackle it all at once; first, put the clothes away, then the toys, then the books. Each completed mini-task creates a sense of accomplishment. Think about one good thing you’re learning from this problem (“I left my lunch at home today, but I won’t do that again: I’ll put up a sticky note tomorrow”). And remember: You can always ask for help if you need it!
5. Finally, encourage children to set goals for the future—and identify the steps it will take to get there.
Having a dream or an ambition is an important way for a child to learn to be resilient. By keeping their “eyes on the prize,” they can pick themselves up after stumbling because they have something to work toward and look forward to. Do they want to learn a new sport, improve existing skills, be a good artist, learn all about dinosaurs? Let them know they have the power to make that happen! Explain that each goal requires a series of smaller steps—just as when you read a book, you read one page at a time. Help them write down their goal and the steps they’re going to take to achieve it (take lessons, practice, take out books from the library). It will give them something positive to strive for.
Children have been through a lot these past couple of years—and they may not even realize how resilient they’ve already been. A great way to illustrate the power of resilience is to have them write or draw “The Story of Me”: telling the story of a hard time they endured and how they got through it.
This way, children can see their resilience in action, and know that they have the strength to get through any future challenges!
Denise Daniels,RN, MS and creator of the groundbreaking children’s brand The Moodsters is a Peabody award-winning journalist, author, and parenting and child-development expert dedicated to putting young children on the path to positive mental health. She created The Moodsters—five quirky little feelings detectives who solve the mysteries of emotions.
Marie Kondo has been an organizing guru for years, but when Netflix debuted not one, but two shows based on her methods, everyone binged watched. Moms everywhere purged their homes as if their life depended on it and took the KonMari method to heart.
If that was you and you’re still hooked on keeping only those things that spark joy, then keep reading to see some of our fave storage solutions that are totally KonMari-compatible.
Kitchen Drawer Organizer
If you've watched Tidying Up, you've probably seen Marie show up with her own box of...boxes. The organizer swears by the technique of using boxes within drawers to help keep items alongside like items for that perfect tidy look. This 8-piece set ($8) of kitchen organizers comes in varying sizes to accommodate all sorts of baubles, but more importantly to keep everything organized. Perfect for your bathroom drawers, too!
Foldable Drawer Boxes
Once you've mastered the KonMari folding method, you're going to need to plenty of space to keep those beautifully folded clothes. If your drawer system is lacking, then these foldable drawer boxes ($27) can keep you on track. They're great for organizing baby and kid clothes since they're too small to stand up in large drawers, and to keep undergarments tidy, too.
Delta Children MySize 9 Bin Plastic Toy Organizer
If this storage solution looks familiar, it's because it actually made an appearance on the first episode of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo! The toy organizer ($58) comes with nine bins and is available in six different colors to match your decor, while also providing some major functionality.
Boxbox Plastic Storage
Drawers can quickly become a haven for mess, especially when you have a junk drawer––wait, isn't that a "bad word" in Marie Kondo's world? Instead of tossing pens, keys and random objects into the abyss, stock up on simple clear boxes like these. For $14 you'll get a pack of 10 that can wrangle all types of clutter.
Battery Organizer
Is it us, or does this battery organizer ($18) spark some major joy? With room to store 82 batteries in all shapes and sizes, this holder not only keeps them from accidentally de-charging, but you can also use the detachable battery tester to make sure you're only keeping the ones that actually work.
Sterilite Stacking Drawers
Whether you use them to organize shoes, small toys or garage essentials, this six-pack of stacking drawers ($45) will keep your home looking clutter-free. The stacking features means you'll have ample floor space, while the clear plastic keeps everything within eyesight.
Flex Totes
Whether you're storing away sweaters for the summer or just trying to organize the linen closet, flex totes ($20) like these will get it done. The clear plastic panels are Marie Kondo-approved and makes finding what you need a cinch! The top zipper makes for easy access and the huge size means these little bags can pack it all in.
Air-Tight Food Storage Containers
Tired of never knowing what you have in the pantry? Make grocery shopping more enjoyable and cost-effective by keeping snacks and other foods in clear containers in your pantry. This airtight version ($30) not only looks sharp, but it's also clear and will keep your food fresh longer than a toddler who doesn't know how to close a bag to save their life!
Clear 70 Quart Ultra Latch Box
Even if you follow Kondo's method to a T, we all still have items that call for storage throughout the year. These four-pack of clear latch boxes ($89) make great garage storage because they are large, clear and all match. Nothing says tidy like matchy-matchy boxes!
Sterilite 6-Quart Boxes (Pack of 12)
This basic 6-quart size clear box is a must when it comes to organizing. There are so many uses that you won't have a hard time using the entire 12-pack ($31) for things like shoes, craft supplies, toys and pretty much anything.
From this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…
But what if it’s not one of you two who got sick? According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, there are 40.4 million unpaid caregivers of adults ages 65 and older in the United States. Nine out of ten people from that group are providing care for an aging relative, and the relative majority is caring for a parent.
Becoming a caregiver changes a lot, and that is not an exaggeration. Your life is different now, and you have to come up with a plan to keep your marriage alive. Here are 5 tips for caregivers about how to protect your marriage.
Tip #1. Support Does Matter
Never underestimate a caregiver’s strain on the marriage. Being a caregiver may feel like having way too much on your plate, which doesn’t become any easier over time. In fact, caregiving affects marriage a lot. For example, dealing with an aging parent can lead to caregiver spouse burnout that will inevitably affect your marriage. The important thing to remember here is that you don’t have to deal with it alone.
Caregiving won’t ruin your relationship if you build your support group with people who are ready to give you a hand or two. It doesn’t necessarily have to be your best friend on speed dial; you can also consider joining support groups or counseling sessions once or twice a week. If you find your safe place and take some time to recharge, you can stay refreshed.
Tip #2. Never Forget to Schedule Some Me-Time
Have you ever felt like caregiving is ruining your marriage? The only reasonable outcome of everyday stress is burnout. To avoid that, you need to take some time to relax and regain your energy. No doubt, it is important to find time for your partner; however, sometimes, you will have to put your physical and mental health first to function at all.
Never underrate your own needs to have a rest. Treat yourself, do that face mask, watch the sitcom you’ve planned to, and, most importantly, don’t shame yourself for being a human. Elder care and marriage can coexist if you are taking care of yourself first.
Tip #3. Communication Is Key
When your spouse is a caregiver, it takes two of you to build strong and healthy communication in your relationship. If you’re the one taking care of an aging person, the bad news is your family members have no clue about your emotional state. So they may have a hard time guessing why you are so frustrated or irritable.
Have there been times when you lost your composure over little things? And your partner is confused because your reasons are not that obvious for them as they seem for you. Spouse caregiver burnout is much more common than you think. Talk with them, explain how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you need them to do to make things better. Actually, it works both ways; they also need to be heard and listened to. Everyone does.
Tip #4. Don’t Forget to Give Your Relationship That Precious Sparkle
Just a few extra minutes of snuggling in bed can do wonders for your marriage. Caregiver spouse intimacy is not off limits! Surprise your partner with a nice bubbly bath and a glass of wine, or take an evening off to do something together.
Sometimes even the little things are enough to show that you love your partner and care about your relationship. Just do it! And maybe one time you’ll come home to see the tickets to your favorite movie, a Broadway show or opera as a thank you for all your efforts.
Tip #5. Consider Other Options
An aging parent with health problems is, in fact, a common situation for most families. It might become a real problem when your spouse is a caregiver, so you may want to explore other options, such as care services. In-home caregiving help can become a lifesaver as you will still have some control over your parents and keep your life balance.
A nursing home gives you back the intimacy of your home, and what’s more, you can stop worrying about your parent’s wellbeing. If your parent has a chronic disease or other health issues, you can also consider a geriatric doctor. Talk with your parents and your partner to figure out what works best for all of you. Remember to keep their interests in mind as it’s not about choosing between a spouse and an elderly parent.
Marriage and caring for aging parents are not mutually exclusive. As long as you put some effort into handling your family-life balance and maintaining harmony at home, nothing is impossible. Patience and understanding are crucial for working through this complicated stage of your life. Just remember to choose your priorities and work out a strategy and stick to it.
I'm a certified life transformation coach at OnlineDivorce.com and a freelance writer with expertise in mindfulness and sustainability. In addition, I'm a published author focused on the most progressive solutions in Psychology. I help people go through fundamental life challenges and build an entirely new life by reframing their personal narratives.
