It’s no surprise you’ve been doing some serious daydreaming about who, exactly, is in there. Before you dive into full-on baby shower planning mode, have some fun trying these at-home baby prediction tests to find out how to tell the gender of your baby. Can a wacky at-home prediction test tell you if you are having a boy or a girl? Well, you’ll have to try these tests to find out. (Regardless of the outcome, these incredible gender-neutral nurseries should have you covered.)

Related: 10 Fun & Easy Baby Shower Games

A daughter touches her mother's pregnant belly as they discuss how to tell the gender of the baby
iStock

1.  Carrying high? That's supposed to mean you'll have a girl, while a low rider means boy.

2. If your skin has that pregnancy glow, chances are you're having a boy, according to one old wives' tale. If you're breaking out, get ready for a girl.

3. Look at your breasts in the mirror. If your right breast is larger than your left, you're having a girl. If your left breast looks larger, it's a boy.

4. Consult a Chinese gender chart, which uses your age and the month you conceived to determine how to tell the gender of your baby.

5. Energetic fetuses are thought to be boys, while chill babes in utero are predicted to be girls.

6. Pee in a cup (you should be a pro at this by now after all those doctor's visits), and then mix in 1 tablespoon of Drano drain cleaner. If the color turns green, you'll have a girl. Blue means it's a boy. (Be careful with this one. Drano can be toxic, so wear gloves and a mask or have someone else do this experiment for you.)

Related: Your Epic Baby Shower & Sprinkle Planning Guide

A mom to be in a green dress embraces her pregnant belly as she wonders how to tell the gender of her baby
Camylla Battani via Unsplash

7. At your next prenatal checkup, check out baby's head on the ultrasound. If it's square-shaped, then you're having a boy. If you see a rounder head, it's a girl.

8. Tie a ring on the end of a piece of string. Sit down and have someone hold the string over your belly. If the ring swings in a circle, you're having a girl. If it swings back and forth, it's a boy.

9. That dark line that runs from your pubic bone straight up the center of your belly (known as the linea nigra) is said to indicate baby's sex. If the line stops at your belly button, you're having a girl. If the line continues up to your ribs and chest, it's a boy.

10. The faster baby's heart rate is, the more likely you're having a girl. The slower the heart rate (below 140 beats per minute), the more likely you're having a boy.

11. If the skin on your hands is dry and chapped during pregnancy, you're more likely to be carrying a boy. Smooth skin means it'll be a girl.

12. If you're craving salty foods, then you're pregnant with a boy. Are you jonesin' for something sweet? Then it's a girl you're carrying.

iStock

13. Since you have to pee all the time anyway, pee in a cup one more time. Then drop in some baking soda. If it fizzes, then it's a boy; if it doesn't, it's a girl.

14. Here's another pee test: Boil a head of red cabbage in some water. Save the red cabbage water and mix it in a cup with your urine. If the water turns pink, it means a girl is on its way. If the water is purple, you're having a boy.

15. Next time you wake up in the morning (or from one of those much-needed pregnancy naps), check which side of your body you're sleeping on. Left side indicates boy, while right means girl.

16. This one is similar to the Chinese chart above. The Mayans take the mama's age at conception and add it to the year baby was conceived. If it's an odd number, the baby is a boy. Even means it's a girl.

17. If your morning sickness lasts beyond the first trimester, some people think you're carrying a girl. If your sickness subsides or you didn't have any to begin with (lucky you!), then it's a boy.

18. If your baby bump looks like a basketball, it could be you're having a boy. If your baby bump is more spread out across your waistline, then it's a girl.

While planning for your new arrival, there’s no better time to download the Tinybeans app. The secure platform allows you to share special moments with friends and family near and far and puts parents in total control of who sees and interacts with photos and videos of their littles.

Ever since the COVID pandemic began, there is one practice that most people have avoided due to fears of infection. Yet, this simple practice can help people of all ages to be happier and healthier. That practice, which may surprise you, is hugging. Because we aren’t hugging as much, it’s time to think about why hugging is so important and explore options to connect without hugging.

The Power of Hugs

Studies have shown that hugging has several benefits. According to one study, if you wake up in a bad mood, a good hug can ease that cranky feeling. While another study demonstrated that hugs may reduce stress, which, surprisingly, in turn helps you resist upper respiratory infections.

How can something so simple as a hug work such magic? Hugs release oxytocin in the brain. Sometimes called the cuddle hormone, this release of oxytocin reduces stress, lowers blood pressure and reduces one’s heart rate.

We know that infants need holding and cuddling to feel safe and loved. Hospitals even enlist volunteers to come in and hold babies, especially if a newborn is in the hospital for a prolonged period with little or no familial support. Just looking into a baby’s eyes during feeding time or interacting in any way helps a baby’s developmental growth. Also, those of us who have raised children (or grandchildren) know the calming effect of cuddling a baby, especially while relaxing in a rocking chair.

This need for a cuddle or a simple hug doesn’t go away after infancy. When I adopted my second child, at two months, I knew I needed to make up for those first months of life before he joined our family. I always cuddled him at bottle time. I also read to him and rocked him to sleep. When he was a toddler, I would distract him during a meltdown by choosing a book and heading to the rocking chair. By the time he was age three, he recognized my tactic, and when frustrated would say, “Mom, I think I need a book.” Of course, I always obliged. That cuddle with a book dispelled any imminent meltdown.

When it comes to hugging, cultures vary in practice. Some people greet each other with a hug, a smile, and kisses on each cheek, even upon a first introduction. The messages are clear: “I’m happy about meeting you. I welcome you. I trust you. I care enough to open my arms to you.” Other cultures show restraint. A greeting may be limited to a handshake or a formal bow. A hug, whether fleeting or prolonged, may occur only upon leaving an especially good friend or beloved relative. Those warm embraces often come after trust and deep friendships have developed.

But hugs are not always about friendship, family, or affection. Sharing a hug may demonstrate support and empathy to the recipient, even if the friendship isn’t deep, such as after a death or a profound loss. A hug conveys empathy when words just aren’t enough or are difficult to find.

Alternative Ways to Show Affection

Now that we know the power of a hug, what can we do when we must be scrupulous about infection risks or when we aren’t certain about other people’s reactions to hugs? How can we as parents, grandparents, friends or teachers show the affection that says “I value you and support you” when we are masked, washing our hands frequently, opening doors with tissues, and keeping our distance?

And what about those youngsters who just don’t like a good cuddle? We know that children who don’t receive physical touch may struggle with showing affection as adults. And a bear hug can look innocent, but with rival siblings, it could signal power and aggression on the hugger’s part.

During the first year of the pandemic, I homeschooled two grandchildren. One, then age 5, loved to cuddle. Her older sister, age 11, resisted most forms of touch. Because I had the girls overnight much of the school week, I often blew kisses and did air hugs at bedtime, knowing the older sister might resist a hug. Sometimes I simply said, “Hugs. Kisses. Goodnight.” One day, she spontaneously hugged me hard. I said, “Wow! That felt great on my back. Can you give me another back hug?” From that point on, she gave me frequent, therapeutic hugs. Over time, her hugs became less purposeful and more impromptu. However, she still often asks me if I’d like that special “back hug.”

Many parents deal with a tween or teen who no longer wants to share a hug or even hear an “I love you.” One strategy is to find other ways to share physical space that isn’t as invasive. Watch a movie together on the couch, shoulder-to-shoulder. Have a family game night with high fives to celebrate small victories. Read together during homework time. Use emojis that convey affection in texts. Blow kisses. Write little notes to enclose with a backpack or lunch: “Thinking of you. Hugs. Have a great day! Proud of you!”

For adult-to-adult interactions, keep in mind that some people feel awkward about hugging. If a hug is prolonged, it may feel threatening or just “off” at times. It’s up to us to look for cues, to openness to a hug. If you aren’t sure about a hug, or you sense someone might need a hug, preface the interaction with, “May I have (or give you) a quick hug?” If you sense reluctance, mimic an air hug and say, “How about an air hug?”

Other good substitutes to hugging are fist bumps, elbow bumps, making a heart shape with one’s hands, or toe taps. And don’t forget, when wearing a mask, it’s important to smile more broadly than usual. That smile will radiate to your eyes, and it’s almost as good as a hug!

Dr. Suzanne Barchers for Lingokids
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Suzanne Barchers has a bachelor’s degree in elementary Education from Eastern Illinois University, a master’s degree in education from Oregon State University, and a doctorate of education in curriculum and design from the University of Colorado, Boulder. Since 2016 she has served as Vice President of Curriculum at Lingokids.

Workouts look different for everyone these days, especially moms. Whether you’re back to hitting the gym, fast-strolling through your neighborhood, or dancing around the kitchen with your new babe, one thing that’ll help motivate you to move your body is a stellar playlist. Here are 25 songs to power your workout playlist. Who knows, one of these catchy tunes might just become your new sweat-sesh anthem!

To Get You Moving

iStock

Like laying out your workout clothes the night before, just creating a fitness playlist can make it easier to stick to a workout routine. So here's a list of songs that'll nudge you to lace those sneakers and spark your heart rate. 

  • "Motivation” by Normani
  • "Believer" by Imagine Dragons
  • "Electric Bodega Trap Remix" by Beyoncé
  • "Pressure (Alesso Remix)" by Nadia Ali, Starkillers and Alex Kenji 
  • "Feel That Fire" by Dierks Bentley
  • "Break Free" by Ariana Grande
  • "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton
  • "You Know You Like It" by DJ Snake AlunaGeorge

 

To Keep You Dancing

iStock

As a busy, hardworking mom or mom-to-be, it's extra tough to find time in the day for a full workout. So instead, try squeezing in a dance session you can do anywhere at any time. These tunes will keep you grooving and your endorphins flowing. Sometimes all you need to do is shake it out! 

  • "Don't Stop the Music" by Rihanna
  • "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas
  • "Leave the Door Open" by Bruno Mars
  • "Maniac" by Carpenter Brut & Yann Ligner
  • “Good As Hell” by Lizzo
  • "All I Want to Do" by Sugarland
  • "Still Cool" by Beka
  • "Can't Stop the Feeling" by Justin Timberlake

 

To Push Your Limits

Peloton

Fitness pros know that just the right song can push anyone through an intense workout. So add these go-to anthems that'll motivate you to keep going when you're dead-tired and ready to quit. 

  • "Level Up" by Ciara
  • "Don't Stop the Party" by Pitbull
  • "Survivor" by Destiny's Child
  • “Formation” by Beyoncé 
  • "Disco Inferno" by 50 Cent
  • “Jump” by Armin van Buuren & Van Halen
  • “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
  • “Jumpman” by Drake & Future 
  • "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi

—Aimee Della Bitta

RELATED STORIES:

Let’s Get Physical! The Gear & Tips New Moms Need to Get Active

8 FREE YouTube Workouts You Can Do With Your Baby

Win Back 30+ Minutes in Your Day, New Moms!

 

Chrissy Rucker

A first time mom and fitness enthusiast, trying to find balance between #momlife and my passion for fitness

Not only is the opportunity to be a mom a miracle in itself, but the way a woman’s body is able to change and prioritize the creation of life is simply beautiful. However, the reality is that postpartum isn’t always easy. A fitness enthusiast for over 5 years, I transformed by body to be as healthy and “”prepared” for baby when my husband and I decided to try and conceive. I was strong in the gym, my endurance was better than it ever had been—I loved my body!

My birth story is a little different than most. I delivered a micro-preemie at just 24 weeks via emergency C-section—my son arrived weighing just 1lb 10oz. I had gained 30lbs at this point and pairing weight gain with the painful recovery of a C-section, it took an extreme toll on my mental health. Regardless of my birth story, my postpartum struggles are like most new moms. Stress. Anxiety. Unfamiliarity with this new “”normal”” life. And like so many times before, fitness became my outlet.

But it was different…I had half the time, not much endurance, I lost nearly all my core strength and muscle tone and my body just didn’t move like it used to. For the first time in years, fitness was hard…really hard! But as moms do and do best…we adapt! We take charge and we forge on.

How I was able to take charge of my postpartum fitness journey:

Self-affirmations – My body may never be the same again, after all, it created a baby! But it is my body and I will love my body how it is.

Listen to your body – Instead of trying to fit myself into a thought of what I SHOULD be like postpartum, I let my body decide and take charge.

Nutrition – I ate with the main purpose of providing nutrients for my baby. Healthy carbs and fats such as oatmeal, eggs, lean proteins, and vegetables kept my milk supply up, and slowly allowed weight to come off.

Time – I used to know her, but not so much anymore. My workouts had to be simple, quick, and most times at home. I made sure to incorporate a balance of resistance band training along with free weights and cardio.

Stretch – Mobility is key, so I found stretching and keeping my body in motion was essential to a full and healthy recovery.


1

Resistance Bands

Tone and Shape

$8

These are totally clutter free, can literally be hung on a wall or put away in a drawer. Resistance bands can be worn around your thigh or ankles for extra leg and booty tone and sculpting.

BUY NOW

2

Sling Shot Mark Bell Hip Circle

Even More Resistance

$14

Easy to use, comfortable and won’t slide. This band is perfect if you are looking for more resistance to assist with toning.

BUY NOW

3

Single Resistance Exercise Band with Comfortable Handles

Take it with you

$14

Simple enough to take anywhere, these resistance bands fit in your door for longer range of motion, or you can use your own body to create resistance.

BUY NOW

4

Weighted Medicine Ball

Regain Core Control

$33

Twist, toss or slam, a weighted medicine ball is perfect for tightening and strengthening your core muscles after baby.

BUY NOW

5

Speed Jump Rope

Take your cardio to the next level

$18

Jumping rope is a way to keep moving between workouts, keeping your heart rate elevated for more caloric impact.

BUY NOW

6

Free Weights

Back to basics

$20

These are comfortable and don’t slip out of your hands. Dumbbells can be used to impact your total body and can also be used while walking.

BUY NOW

7

Yoga Mat

Relax, Recharge (and nap!)

$30 BUY NOW

Mobility and stretching are some of the most forgotten part of fitness. Your body has been through so much, it is important to stretch and recover often. These mats are so soft you can use them anywhere.

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail,” Ben Franklin

Well said, Ben, and that wisdom definitely applies to life with three kids; especially our morning routine.

And, I emphasize the word, “routine,” because your brain loves them, and having specific daily routines has even been proven to make you a happier person.

While I made my share of rookie mistakes with our first child, I’ve learned a few things along the way. One piece of advice I’d like to share with you is to have a morning routine. Basically do the same things each morning at the same times, and you’ll take a proactive approach to the day, instead of reacting to everything around you.

I think Ben would agree that not having a well-planned and rehearsed routine for the morning is “preparing to fail,” so, here’s my advice.

Prepare the Night Before

It’s a good idea to remember that you have the most willpower when you first wake up. If you make too many decisions in the morning, you’ll drain your brain and slow down the rest of the day.

That’s why a healthy morning routine is so important. I love anything that allows me to eliminate decision making and I bet you do too. A routine can ensure your family’s mornings run like a well-oiled machine.

Encourage your family to stay organized with some handy storage solutions, and you’ll find that the kids can easily find what they need. Anything you can do to prepare for the next day will have you feeling like a champ when you wake up.

Choose clothes for the kids (you may even want to lay out your own outfit). Make your to-do list for the day.

Prepare breakfast ahead of time (my family loves overnight oats and healthy steel-cut oatmeal). Pack school lunches, and ensure all homework has been done, and you’ve checked it. 

Focus on a Healthy Breakfast

Obviously, every morning routine should include a healthy breakfast, we’ve been told this our whole lives.

Well, actually, maybe it’s not that obvious, because every day over 30 million Americans actually skip breakfast altogether.

Not only that, but millions of parents and kids are distracted and on their smartphones during the most important meal of the day. Factor in the number of people who are eating unhealthy food while running out the door, and I’d say most people start their days “preparing to fail.” Yikes!

Avoid checking social media during breakfast, and instead, try to stay in the moment. When I find that my thoughts keep wandering, I make a quick list of whatever is going through my mind on paper so I can move on.

In fact, recently I’ve added a drinking a cup of Rooibos tea to my morning routine. Not only is it good for me, but my brain loves the predictable repetition. I also drink a cup of chamomile tea at the same time every night before bed. I never said tea was sexy, but, mmm… routine is good!

Exercise

For busy parents, this can sound like a dream, but exercising first thing in the morning gets it out of the way and helps clear your mind. Exercise is great stress relief, even when the kids are stuck inside during bad weather.

If you can’t make it to the gym, there are plenty of ways that you can get some exercise to get the blood flowing. Grab a yoga mat and do some stretches. Find a quick HIIT workout on YouTube.

Actually, the most realistic option might be to just head out for a quick jog around the block and shower before the kids wake up.

Incorporating exercise into your routine will set you up to make healthier choices throughout the day, and you’ll have more time at the other end since you’ve already got that heart rate pumping.

Be Mindful

This is a big one. Actually, meditation might be the best 20 minute investment that you could possibly make each day.

Meditation improves your:

Self-awareness Impulse control Stress management Focus (the #1 trait of successful people!)  Attention Willpower Creativity

I’ve found that when I’m stressed out and aiming to stay sane throughout the day, one of the best things I can do is spend a few minutes meditating.

I just sit in a wooden chair with my back straight, close my eyes, and breath for 10 minutes, twice a day.

Studies have shown that meditation can increase your quality of life and well-being. And this can make you a more patient parent.

What’s Your Healthy Morning Routine?

What does your morning routine look like? Do you have a plan or schedule that helps you take control of the day? 

I’ve discovered that when we follow our morning routine, we’re less stressed for the rest of the day. In fact, we feel like the first hour we’re awake sets the trajectory for the entire day. (If our day starts with yelling, and kids running to the bus holding a an Eggo waffle, it’s going to be an off day!)

Also, if you do have the luxury of extra time, (or a kid unexpectedly staying home sick from school) check out some of these ideas for fun ways to keep the kids entertained!

I'm Missy, a mother of three and a middle school drama teacher at a private school. I'm obsessed with my Vizsla (dog), traveling, and the musical Hamilton. I also enjoy writing and sharing fun parenting stories, which is what brought me here.

You might dread cleaning your house, but the truth is once you start you actually feel pretty great. A study reveals why cleaning feels so satisfying and it’s not just because you can finally see the floor again.

The Mr. Clean Cleaning Rush Study conducted in partnership with Ipsos Public Affairs tracked the biometric response to cleaning using wearable devices and found that cleaning stimulates an adrenaline rush. The tracking devices measured the Galvanic Skin Response (GSR) and Heart Rate (HR) of participants and found that while cleaning, changes were observed. This shift was driven by feelings of emotional enthusiasm and excitement, much like watching a sporting event.

photo: Chanikarn Thongsupa via Rawpixel

Participants were also surveyed on their feelings about cleaning and a whopping 100 percent agreed that cleaning provides peace of mind and a sense of control over one’s environment. Among those surveyed, 82 percent also strongly agreed they like to admire their work after a good clean and 81 percent felt a sense of accomplishment when they finished.

“Cleaning anything, whether it’s wiping smudges off your fridge or removing greasy build up from your car’s wheels, can boost your mood and give you a sense of pride for a job well done,” said Dr. Jennifer Hartstein, clinical psychologist. “This positive mental boost can lead to an increased desire to continue cleaning and ultimately results in a truly satisfying experience that leaves the cleaner feeling accomplished.”

The study also found that those enthusiastic feelings that cleaning elicits can often push you to clean more than you had planned for. Two-thirds of the study’s participants strongly agreed that they often cleaned more than they originally set out to and 82 percent of the participants agreed to clean an optional sticky kitchen mess that hadn’t been on their original task list.

After cleaning, participants reported feeling more determined, inspired and proud, and less jittery, nervous and hostile. So the next time your kids are driving you crazy, you might consider swapping that glass of rosé for a sponge.

—Shahrzad Warkentin

 

RELATED STORIES

Don’t Let Germs Stack Up Thanks to This Genius LEGO Cleaning Hack

If You’re Not Cleaning Your Travel Mug Lids, You Should Really Start

This Video of Kristen Bell’s Closet Cleaning Hack Is Pure Genius

As a parent it is easy to stress over all of the little things. Are they eating enough? Are they growing enough? Am I spending enough time with them? Is work consuming too much of my time? Are they happy?! Questions like these plague parents in most parts of the world. However, some of the biggest questions that we ask ourselves revolve around sleeping. With any amount of lack of sleep, it makes it difficult to function on a day to day basis and be productive at work.

So how do you achieve the ultimate goal of more sleep? My answer? Co-sleeping.

For the optimal co-sleeping situation, here are a few of my tips:

1. Don’t fight it if it works. Research shows a benefit of co-sleeping is infants virtually never startle during sleep and rarely cry during the night, compared to solo sleepers who startle repeatedly throughout the night and spend four times the number of minutes crying  Startling and crying releases adrenaline, which increases heart rate and blood pressure, interferes with restful sleep and leads to long-term sleep anxiety.

2. Do what works for you and for your family. The judgment of others doesn’t matter. If co-sleeping with your baby is the best solution for you, then that is all that should be considered in the decision. As long as everyone is safe and comfortable, nothing should stop you as parents from getting as much sleep as is humanly possible.

3. It doesn’t last forever, so enjoy it while you can. One day the child will finally move on to their bed whether they do it on their own or with your help. In the meantime, it’s a time that can be seen as precious. During sleep, you can sneak those extra cuddles that one day you will miss. According to the Dr. Sears’ article on the Benefits of Co-sleeping, “Co-sleeping babies grow up with a higher self-esteem, less anxiety, become independent sooner, are better behaved in school, and are more comfortable with affection. They also have less psychiatric problems.”

4. If the baby is breastfed it is done much easier as neither the mother nor the baby has to be moved. They can just turn towards each other. This arrangement also assists the mother with maintaining her milk supply which is so vital for the baby.

The Long-Term Effects of Co-Sleeping with Children

Co-sleeping, whether widely accepted or not, can be the best arrangement for certain families. It is most definitely not something that should be overlooked just because of the stigma that’s behind it. Give it a go. This may be the solution that you’ve been looking for, or maybe you simply want to sneak more cuddles in through the night. Whatever the reasoning for the arrangement may be, if done right, it is definitely beneficial.

As a working mother of 3, I have found that I treasure the nights and know they won’t last forever. Our youngest (3.5 years old) is still in our bed every night. My biggest regret; not having enjoyed as much time with the older two!

Karolina has a unique perspective on life as she is a working mom of three, married to a busy fire captain. Juggling it all and showing her daughters it is important to maintain your identity even after you have children. To Karolina, that means pursuing her career goals and continually learning/growing in business.  

An hour-long yoga class or a 20-minute meditation session both have enormous benefits—we all know that. But we don’t have to carve out big swaths of time to be able to care for ourselves. The truth is, in the middle of life’s most stressful moments, sometimes all we have time to spare is one single minute.

The good news is that even 60 seconds, when spent mindfully, can help put you on a path towards de-stressing. Here are three techniques that you can do in 60 seconds or less (really!) from my new book, Eff This! Meditation: 108 Tips, Tricks, and Ideas for When You’re Feeling Anxious, Stressed Out, or Overwhelmed.

OUTBREATH > INBREATH 

This is my all-time favorite self-care tip for both it’s simplicity and it’s power: when we purposefully extend our outbreath to last longer than our inbreath, we activate our parasympathetic nervous system. This begins to relax us and automatically decreases our heart rate and blood pressure. The next time you feel like tearing your hair out, take a few deep breaths and exhale for a few counts more than you inhale. (Bonus: you can teach this tip to your kiddos, too!)

FEEL YOUR FEET 

While you can do this grounding practice anytime and anywhere, I especially love it when I’m standing in line feeling frustrated: take a deep breath and tune in to the feeling of your feet touching the ground (or your shoes, or the floor.) Notice how your toes feel, how the balls of your feet feel, and tune in to your arches and your heels. Pay special attention to the feeling of connection between the different parts of your feet and what might be touching them. Maybe rock back and forth a little, or move your feet if it feels good. Spend 60 seconds doing this, and then notice if anything has shifted.

HANDS OVER EARS

This centering exercise helps by connecting you to your own body and heart: close your eyes and rub your hands together gently to the count of ten, warming them slightly. Place them gently over both ears, and with your eyes still closed, take a dozen slow, deep breaths. When you are done, open your eyes and see how you feel. (This is another great tool to share with your little ones.)

Modify these practices however you need for your own body, health, and situation. You can tune into the feeling of your feet while sitting in a chair or walking, or add an essential oil to your palms before rubbing them together. The most important thing is to try the techniques so that they become familiar to you—this way you’ll be more likely to remember them in life’s most harried moments!

You deserve to feel good, less stressed—these techniques can help.

Liza Kindred is the author of EFF THIS! Meditation:108 Tips, Tricks, and Ideas for When You're Feeling Anxious, Stressed Out, or Overwhelmed. She is the founder of the EFF THIS! Meditation community, where the sacred meets the profane, and she speaks globally about true self care. She lives in NYC.

My day begins as usual: I am awoken by compliments and gentle caresses from my parental authority, Mom, or as her ilk is called in my community, my personal assistant. She informs me of the weather report and presents me with a curated outfit perfect for the day’s events, my personal taste, and the aforementioned weather. Unfortunately, she has selected the blue shirt and today I’ve decided blue doesn’t match my aura this morning so I insist upon the yellow. She fetches the yellow shirt and sighs, “Whatever, just get dressed.”

I contemplate her sass whilst picking out my socks, slowly and deliberately. She’s not the perkiest assistant, but I’ve had her for almost five years now and I’ve grown accustomed to her presence. She returns a few times to remind me of our schedule, muttering something about “being late again” and “on notice at work.” Sock selection is an important process and it takes however long it takes; I wish she would remember this.

Half an hour later, my assistant chauffeurs me to my destination whilst huffing something that sounds like “ducking finally” under her breath. In order to lighten her mood, I pepper her with philosophical questions like “What does ‘tomorrow’ mean?” and “What does a five and a three make?” Most PA’s find this exercise enjoyable, just be sure to never accept “I don’t know” for an answer. It’s important to keep challenging their brains.

We arrive at our destination and I spend the next 9 hours listening to briefings about letters and numbers and navigating office politics. My coworkers and I have a working lunch. There are carrots on the menu today and we discuss at length what superpower they provide. Kyle says they make you see underwater. Jaden says they make you see at night. I like Kyle’s idea better; I’ll share that with my assistant later. She always laughs when I tell her about our progress at work. I don’t completely understand her sense of humor, but I’m glad she enjoys the fruits of our labor.

My assistant comes to drive me home just as I’ve started working with the Magna-Tiles. I wait all day for my turn on this equipment and now she’s rushing me to leave. I cross my arms and glare at her, but decide not to share the reason for my sour mood. I take slow, tiny steps to the car in protest. She questions me about my motives, but I stay strong and silent in the face of her exasperation. She knows what she did. She needs to learn. It’s important for PA’s to figure things out for themselves. She makes an empty threat about “losing screen time.” She’s bluffing. I hold strong. She threatens again. I meet her gaze, steely-eyed. She leans down to me and hisses something about no screen time for the rest of the week. I notice a few of my colleagues exiting the building. I’ve got to get control of my assistant before her outburst ruins my reputation, so I make a quick decision to run to the car. She can’t embarrass me if she can’t catch me.

Clearly shaken, she secures me into my seat, rambling about safety and parking lots. She is tiresome when she is panicky. Remember: regularly increasing your PA’s heart rate keeps them healthy. We start our trip home in silence and then she asks me about my workday. I can’t remember anything. As if you had a clearance high enough to know what I do all day, wee lamb. I do tell her about the carrot incident, though, and she laughs like I expected. Such an uncomplicated creature.

We arrive home and my assistant turns on the television for me. (Bluff called.) However, she does not start the show from the beginning. This is unacceptable. I have been slaving away all day and I just want a few thirty-minute blocks of talking monster trucks and do-gooding dogs to relax into my evening. Is that too much to ask? I follow my assistant around the house continually alerting her to this injustice as she attempts to do a plethora of tasks that are obviously less important (her bladder does not need to be emptied as frequently as she insists, I am certain). Finally, between prepping a dinner that I’ve just decided I will no longer eat and emptying a dishwasher that she hasn’t noticed didn’t actually run, she pulls up Netflix and allows me to choose a show. During my tenure at this establishment, I’ve found success is all about persistence.

I can tell my assistant is losing her resolve. Instead of eating the dinner I raved about when she served it last week, I request various “healthy” snacks, one after another. “Healthy” is a buzzword for assistants and they tend to use it loosely. I will eat ¾ of an apple cut in wedges, half a block of cheddar cheese cut into squares, one piece of triangular peanut butter toast, ten half-moon grapes, and two pieces of deli ham rolled into cylinders. It is important to keep your assistant guessing the appropriate shapes. Never accept poorly cut toast, know your worth.

It also behooves you to keep a keen eye on your assistant’s emotional state. I notice my assistant has refilled her chardonnay twice during “dinner,” which is my cue to sit quietly and see how many extra episodes of Peppa Pig I can sneak past her before she looks up from her phone. I succeed in scoring one episode. Not my best work, but we can’t always hit it out of the park.

Assistants are forever preoccupied with our sleep. They talk about it incessantly. They attempt to tie our behaviors to our level of exhaustion, falsely thinking they can control our every action if they can only crack the code on our personalized, perfectly fine-tuned amount of sleep. It is our job to keep this code a secret. It is our one true power. Resist, at least until a new sibling is born, or until you turn six. Six years is the average length of time it takes for an assistant to be completely broken in. Stay strong.

After a rather rushed bath and singular measly story, my assistant tucks me into bed. Here is where I will shine. I get out of bed three times: once because Kyle mentioned the word “zombies” today and that’s scary; once because the door isn’t shut all the way (I could shut it myself, but that is beneath me); and once because I remembered the zombies again. It is a grand performance. I cry real tears. My assistant doesn’t growl at me through gritted teeth until the third instance and I’ve managed to extend the day by half an hour. I hear my assistant head to her room with a heavy sigh. After her door is shut, I sneak out of bed and play with legos for two more hours.

I will be impossible to deal with tomorrow.

It was a successful day indeed.

This post originally appeared on McSweeny’s.

Shannon J. Curtin is the author of two collections of poetry and her work has been featured in a variety of literary magazines. She holds an MBA, competitive shooting records, and her liquor. She would probably like you. You can find her at ablogofherown.wordpress.com.

One of my missions in life is to lower the bar. Granted, most of my bar-lowering escapades are unintentional, but sharing them with the world is intentional. And fun. If slightly humbling. But that’s the point!

THE SETUP
I’m currently at a pretty humble point in my life. I mean, makeup is a crap shoot, my hair is at an awkward length, and I’m at my very heaviest. All superficial things, and I am NOT complaining. My life is rich and meaningful and I am very well loved. But I’m not at the top of my game appearance-wise. My body isn’t as fun to dress as it used to be. And I LOVE clothes. So. My mom tells me that there is a great sale at Dillard’s. 65% off racks! And she has this super cute, swingy, intricately detailed top on she’d just gotten there.

I have some time to kill in town, so I decide to check it out. I arrive at our adorably small one-story Dillard’s and pop into the department at which I always peer longingly as I dutifully march with my daughters straight to the junior department. Not the old lady department. You know, the chic-if-fully-adult ladies section. I eye some cute, discounted things and start filling my arms. I’d almost forgotten how fun this is! I’m scouring a rack of tops, clicking through hangers, and eagerly looking for my size.

Suddenly, I see that the top Mom was wearing is on the same rack. Same brand. Same st‌yle. Now, my mom has always been a sharp and current dresser, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is seventy. Has it suddenly happened? Am I shopping fashion that is appealing to the over 60 set? I’m not ready for that. I cover my grays (everyfour weeks even; it’s a real commitment). I’m not ready for the sassy silver look. And I’m not ready to dress like my mom. I’d already been informed when school shopping earlier in the year that the things I suggested my girls try on weren’t their st‌yle. “That would be cute for you, Mom, but not for me.” Well, ok. I can accept that I’m not dressing like a 14 year old girl. I’m even relieved. But I thought I was shopping the category between teenager appropriate and fully mature.

THE DRESS
I hang a hard right (maybe I’d wandered too far left) and grab a super cute ivory and black dress with some embroidery and a deep v-neck that I know my mom would never try (can you blame me? I’m trying to recover here!). I head to the fitting rooms and do the usual. I cycle through a big stack of shirts one at a time and find a cute striped v-neck front-tie top that is flattering and a steal. Finished with the tops, I throw the dress on over my cami and jeans. I’ll take that stuff off if I think the dress is a strong maybe. Just a quick look before really putting in the work.

So, I slip it on over my head, wrestle with the under layer that wants to stay wedged up between the dress and my shoulders (what is it with these built in slips? Complicates things!), get everything in place and take a look. The dress is adorable but a little unflattering mostly because it is way too small. Well, shoot. I had been hopeful. That’s ok. I’ll just pull it off, buy the cute top, and call it a modestly successful shop. But I really wanted that dress to work. One more try in the mirror. You know, that futile attempt at shifting things around to make something that just isn’t right look better? This is a trap, and I don’t fall for it. Not right. Too tight. Reject! I need a size up if anything. I bunch up the skirt in both hands and do that arm cross dress-taking-off move we’re all familiar with, but I can’t quite shimmy it over my shoulders. Ok. This is nothing new. I have the world’s broadest shoulders.

Take a deep breath, exhale, and try again. Nope. Won’t budge. Um, I’m stuck. I look in the mirror and feel the pre-panic rising up my chest to my face. No, Joanne. Stay calm. Think! This fabric is so stiff. Maybe there’s a zipper. Yes!!! There is a little side under-arm zipper I hadn’t noticed. Sweet relief! I’m so ready to get out of this thing. I slide the zipper down and repeat the dress removal maneuver. Still can’t get it over my shoulders. Right then, the sweet clerk comes to check on me. “Doing OK?” Gulp! I need to buy some time. I pull the dress back into place and open the door. “Do you have this dress in an extra-large?” I ask her. She scurries off to check, and I resume the squirming, tugging, and wriggling. I try combining the cross-armed move with the little hops (you know the ones). That move combo works even with sweaty, skin tight sports bras. But no. I still can’t get this dress off!

My heart rate and temperature start to rise, but I’m not giving in to panic. No matter what I do short of ripping the seams or dislocating my shoulder, I can NOT get this dress off. The clerk returns, knocks, and says that she doesn’t think the dress is made in an XL. Well, there’s some good news. The largest size they make is too small. And I’m trapped in it. There’s only one thing left to do. I open the door, stick my head out, and say real quiet “Can you come in here? I need help. I’m stuck in this dress.” And God love that woman, she joins me in the 9-square foot room without a word and shuts the door behind herself. Reinforcements! Did I mention that I am not the only customer in the fitting room? I have a neighbor in the very next stall. I can see her feet. I can just picture her giving herself a wide eyed look in the mirror, thinking “Better her than me!” and then listening real hard to see what happens next.

One thing is comforting me at this point. At least I have clothes on under the darn dress, so when we finally get it off, I won’t be subjecting this nice lady to that awkwardness. She gathers up the free fabric in her hands for what seems like forever. As she starts lifting, I raise my arms above my head like a cooperative toddler. I feel a tiny sliding sensation. We are moving in the right direction! Wait. Why is she stopping? And why is it so hot in here? Can she smell my fear? She tells me that she can’t lift her arms any higher because she has an injured shoulder. Well, I don’t want to further injure the poor lady, so I squat a little and then more, hands still above my head. Can you picture me, arms and dress up over my head now in a deep, deep squat, with a stranger tugging upward to the point of shoulder failure? I could die. Finally, that poor dress is free of me. Thank goodness!!!

THE AFTERMATH
I’m not sure what happened next. My memory is foggy. I own the cute top, so I know I left the fitting room, purchased said top from my liberator, and somehow found my car. I don’t think I made any crazy attempts at saving face, but I can’t be sure. I think we probably both just tried to act like it hadn’t happened. Can you imagine? I do remember considering asking her how often that happens. I decided I couldn’t face hearing that I was her first, so I refrained.

Sitting in my car, my mood is equal parts amusement, shock, and mortification. At least I didn’t damage the dress. My next stop is to pick up Bailey and a friend from gymnastics. I end up telling them the story, and we all three howl with laughter as we fly down the interstate in the dark. It’s funnier once you’re free. By the time we arrive home, I feel only amusement. I decide to look online to see if I can find an XL. I really did like that dress! I check Dillards.com. Nope. Hmm. It’s such a good price. Oh what the heck. I order the large online. I pay shipping. I know! That dress is now hanging in the front of my closet. It isn’t mocking me. I’m going to win. I have a new goal. Mark my words, I will wear that dress.

And that is how you lower and raise the bar all in one story! To benefit from more of my bar-lowering escapades, check out the links in my profile to read articles about why I’m glad I got toilet paper stuck to my pants, how I injured myself shopping, or an observation regarding my rear-end made at full voice by my toddler in a public restroom.

What embarrassing stories do you have? Let’s chat and laugh at ourselves!

This post originally appeared on Cozy Clothes Blog.

I am a family physician turned stay at home mom and blogger. I am developing a women's loungewear line, Shelfies, that will revolutionize what we wear in the {no-bra-zone} with soft fabrics, supportive but cozy shelf and just-enough-coverage cups.