Life has certainly been far from normal. Usually, children are well into their regular school routine at this time of year, but with the pandemic defining every parent’s “new normal,” many children have not yet made the full transition, and their sleep is suffering. Let’s throw in daylight savings, travel, or a sickness, and even the best sleepers can find themselves disrupted. In my practice as a pediatric sleep consultant, I have seen a significant increase in preschool sleeping issues over the last several months, which I believe directly correlates to the lack of physical and mental stimulation children are receiving during the day. Like many families, you may be finding yourself scrambling to get your family back into a healthy sleep routine.

Create a Bedtime Routine 

I always suggest to my clients that they have a “timed routine” which means to have a set time for bed and not just allow children to fall asleep when they seem tired. This can result in bedtime being far too late for their age. Last spring, and over the summer, a lot of families were struggling to figure out their new “normal.” Sleep was all over the map as parents tried to balance working from home and keeping their children entertained. Now that school is back in session, it’s essential to maintain a regular bedtime routine that works for your family. Children of all ages do best with consistency so, that’s why a predictable, nightly routine can be the key to a good night’s sleep.

Start with turning off screens at least an hour before bedtime (blue light from screens can delay melatonin), wind down with bath/shower time, or perhaps washing up at the sink, pajamas followed by brushing teeth. Then move to the bedroom and dim the lights for a few books. At this point, your child can climb into bed and it should take them about 20 or so minutes to fall asleep if bedtime is at an appropriate time. Keep in mind that overtired and under-tired children may struggle more to fall asleep, so keep an eye on that clock! Wake times will vary based on your child’s age and activity levels. Try and stick to this schedule as much as possible but recognize that it’s common to deviate on occasion. After all, sometimes it’s fun to be spontaneous!

Utilize Outside Sleep Resources

You may need to utilize outside resources to help your child wind down before bedtime. Guided meditations and yoga are excellent ways to have your child calm their bodies and minds and settle prior to climbing in bed. Some children are so wound up from their day, especially if they’ve been on screens for a large part of it, and they need a little physical outlet that also helps relax them. Consider reading to your child every single night; not only is it a great part of the wind down routine, but it also promotes early literacy. So, it’s a win-win!

Call in Sleep Reinforcements 

If you’ve established a good routine, you are using your outside resources, but bedtime is still a struggle, then it is ok to get back on track with the help of a melatonin supplement. Melatonin is the hormone released by your body that aids in sleep. Under the supervision of your pediatrician, this can be used for a short period of time to help supplement your child’s natural melatonin production if their bedtime has gotten far off track. The best way to use melatonin is after you’ve tried to implement a steady routine for at least a week since the majority of children benefit most from routine and consistency.

—Nicole Cannon, mommysbliss.com

Nicole is a sleep consultant and mom of 3 boys with a baby on the way. She's a member of the Association of Professional Sleep Consultants and has certifications in Infant Mental Health and Maternal Mental Health. Nicole views sleep holistically, addressing all elements in a child’s life that could prevent him/her from sleeping well.

When I was in my late 20s, the first batch of my friends started to have kids. I visited one of my college friends to meet their new baby—we chatted about our good ‘ole days, gave each other some status updates, and I just giddily flitted over baby even though I was scared to hold him. During this hangout, my friend said something that really stuck with me. While recounting to me the early days with baby and the challenges that ensued in a comical, light-hearted manner, she also mentioned that she and her husband started to fight more and that the baby, “Really took a toll on our marriage.”

I had been with my now-husband for nearly a decade at that point, and like many high school sweethearts, we had had our biggest fights during our hormone-raged youth and had settled into a routine by then. We knew each other well and had learned how to avoid a fight before it even started. So when I heard this from my friend, I remember thinking that it was such a sad thing to say and even vowed (as many dumb childless people do) that I wouldn’t let that happen to MY marriage when I had children.

What I didn’t realize then is that I would owe my friend an apology for having missed the point completely on this statement that is so honest and vulnerable and 1000% true. So if you’re reading this, I am so sorry for not understanding until now how freaking amazing you were to have shared this with me, and I want you to know that having heard this probably saved my marriage.

To the naive and idiotic mind of a know-it-all childless dump, the admission of their marital hardship sounded like a sad, deflated white flag to say that the relationship could not overcome this new chapter in their life. But the truth is, if you have children and it *doesn’t* take a toll on your marriage, you might be doing it wrong. Of course, there are those shiny rainbow couples who take every new stage with stride, love, patience, and sweet cuddles…and those guys can just leave this conversation. My husband and I, despite having been together for such a long time, were not and never will be that couple—and I imagine most of us fall out of that unicorn camp.

Having children changes you. Remember before we had kids and someone asked us if we wanted one, we would say something along the line of “Yeah one day, but for now, I enjoy ‘X’ too much,” filled in with things that we knew from all the clichés that babies take away: going out, spending an obscene amount of money on frivolous things, etc., things we felt we weren’t ready to give up. I always thought that I had to be ready to give these things up voluntarily to be “qualified” to have kids.

But that wasn’t it at all. When baby came I didn’t *want* to go out, sleep in, spend money, or eat fast food the way I used to, because the moment that the nurse plopped that cottage-cheese-covered red monkey of a baby on my chest was…to say it conservatively, a transformation. The person I used to be, the things I used to enjoy, even the things that I thought were hills I’d die on, all became insignificant and dull compared to this person I just made and have been endowed with. Call it hormones, even call it brainwashing. Whatever it was, it completely and permanently altered my very being. Sound frightening? It really really was.

So imagine, while this is happening to me as I pushed out a human that I baked from scratch—the same thing is happening to my husband, who I’ve known since I was 17. And I see him crying and laughing as this baby is peeing on him. And if you know my husband, you will say “He CRIED?” because it’s that surprising. And I didn’t know it then, but it was also a sign that some stuff was about to go down.

We fought so much those early days. My husband was lucky enough to have gotten a 6-week paternity leave, which was amazing because he got to bond with our son, but it probably also contributed to a lot of the fights because he was in the trenches with me. He knew about the bad latch, the sleeping and feeding schedules…and for the first time in our relationship, we both had something that we equally cared so deeply about that we were willing to put anything on the line for it—even our relationship. Up until that point, we were each other’s top priority. That shift was wild. And don’t forget, we’re not even the same people anymore, so the strategies and techniques that we had previously learned meant nothing. The baby was a wrecking ball, naked Miley Cyrus and all, who came in and totally demolished everything that we’ve built up as a couple. Now we had to try to rebuild it, while keeping a baby alive, which meant we had to do it with zero time and zero sleep. I wonder why we had so many problems? (ha!)

So yes, our kid took a toll on our marriage. But because of that, it forced us to build something in the aftermath that’s more resilient and deeply rooted in our being. We had to, or else we wouldn’t have survived. I now understand that having a kid to save a marriage would never work because it’s the absolute opposite—a kid is going to tear you up into shreds so small that you won’t want to pick those pieces back up to put it back together unless your marriage is worth saving. And you know what, I think that’s totally okay. The truth is, anything worth fighting for, there will be fighting for it. And I think we can all agree that our kids are worth the fight.

Lisa Aihara is a writer and artist based in Los Angeles. When she's not busy keeping her toddler alive, she's growing another human and has no time for any BS. For an honest, practical take on motherhood, relationships, and just life's struggles through comics and stories, follow her on Instagram and her Blog.

Pandemic life has been anything but normal but one thing is certain, all moms share the goal of keeping their kids happy and healthy. One key aspect of attaining this goal is helping your family get the best sleep possible. Between winter sniffles, inconsistent school schedules, and daylight savings, even the best sleepers can find themselves disrupted.

In my practice as a pediatric sleep consultant, I have seen a significant increase in preschool sleeping issues over the last year, which I believe directly correlates to the lack of physical and mental stimulation children are receiving during the day. Like many families, you may be finding yourself scrambling to get your family into a healthy sleep routine.

I have partnered with Mommy’s Bliss, one of the most trusted vitamin and supplement brands among parents, as they introduce their new sleep line of melatonin products for kids, three years and older. Sleep products, in conjunction with a steady sleep routine, can help your family get on track. Here are some tips you can start using right now for maintaining a healthy sleep environment for your family.

1. Create a Routine 
I always suggest to my clients that they have a “timed routine” which means to have a set time for bed and not just allow children to fall asleep when they are tired. Over the past year, many  families have been struggling to figure out their new “normal.” Sleep has been all over the map as parents try to balance working from home and keeping their children entertained. It’s essential to maintain a regular bedtime routine that works for your family. Children of all ages do best with consistency so, that’s why a predictable, nightly routine can be the key to a good night’s sleep.

Start with turning off screens at least an hour before bedtime (blue light from screens can delay melatonin), wind down with bath/shower time, or perhaps washing up at the sink, pajamas followed by brushing of teeth. Then move to the bedroom and dim the lights for a few books. At this point, your child can climb into bed and it should take them about 20 or so minutes to fall asleep if bedtime is at an appropriate time. Keep in mind that overtired and under-tired children may struggle more to fall asleep, so keep an eye on that clock! Wake times will vary based on your child’s age and activity levels. Try and stick to this schedule as much as possible but recognize that it’s common to deviate on occasion. After all, sometimes it’s fun to be spontaneous!

2. Use Supportive Resources
You may need to utilize outside resources to help your child wind down before bedtime. Guided meditations and yoga are excellent ways to have your child calm their bodies and minds and settle prior to climbing in bed. Some children are so wound up from their day, especially if they’ve been on screens for a large part of it, and they need a little physical outlet that also helps relax them. Consider reading to your child every single night; not only is it a great part of the winddown routine, but it also promotes early literacy. So, it’s a win-win!

3. Call in the Reinforcements
If you’ve established a good routine, you are using your outside resources, but bedtime is still a struggle, then it is ok to get back on track with the help of a melatonin supplement. Melatonin is the hormone released by your body that aids in sleep. Under the supervision of your pediatrician, this can be used for a short period of time to help supplement your child’s natural melatonin production if their bedtime has gotten far off track. The best way to use melatonin is after you’ve tried to implement a steady routine for at least a week since the majority of children benefit most from routine and consistency. If you are searching for safe melatonin products for your child, Mommy’s Bliss has a new great-tasting Kids Sleep Line crafted with a wise blend of ingredients, including melatonin, magnesium, organic chamomile, lemon balm, and passionflower. They’re designed to work hand-in-hand with a good bedtime routine to help support restful sleep.

For more bedtime bliss resources, visit mommysbliss.com.

Nicole is a sleep consultant and mom of 3 boys with a baby on the way. She's a member of the Association of Professional Sleep Consultants and has certifications in Infant Mental Health and Maternal Mental Health. Nicole views sleep holistically, addressing all elements in a child’s life that could prevent him/her from sleeping well.

Photo: Seed Cycling via Healthline

Editor’s note: Any medical advice presented here is expressly the views of the writer and Red Tricycle cannot verify any claims made. Please consult with your healthcare provider about what works best for you.

Are you in tune with your hormones? Sure—maybe you know what they are and that you have them. Many women even have more in-depth knowledge about how hormones impact their cycles and fertility. But did you know that hormones can affect everything from your skin, hair, and mood to sleep quality, sex drive, weight, and general wellness? That’s a lot of important things!

All the more reason why you should want to maintain a healthy hormone balance. However, our hormones don’t always play nice. If you experience heavy or irregular periods, hot flashes, mood swings, irritability, breast tenderness, or just generally feel off, you may have a hormone imbalance. 

For many women with hormone imbalances, PMS, or PCOS, seed cycling can help balance hormone levels and can also potentially reduce symptoms. Seed cycling is a natural and healthy way to help balance hormones!  

Before you go buying up all the seeds, you need to know that while seed cycling isn’t harmful, it’s important to understand your hormone levels before attempting to treat imbalances. The last thing you want to do is make an existing hormone imbalance worse! Luckily, there are plenty of at-home hormone testing options available to give you insight into your cycle. Of course, if you have specific questions or are looking for where to start, I recommend consulting your doctor.

What is seed cycling?

Seed cycling involves eating certain types of seeds during certain phases of your menstrual cycle to promote a hormone balance. In a typical menstrual cycle, estrogen levels rise during the first half of the cycle (the follicular phase) and progesterone levels rise during the second half of the cycle (the luteal phase). Promoting the production of these key hormones during their respective phases leads to a healthy hormone balance.

When seed cycling, you’ll want to track your menstrual cycle so you know which phase you’re in and which hormone you should be boosting. The next step is adding the seeds!

During the follicular phase, estrogen is the star. For days 1-14 of your cycle (for those new to cycle days, day one is the first day you have your period), you’ll eat 1-2 tablespoons each of raw flax and pumpkin seeds per day. These seeds, which contain lignans and zinc, naturally support estrogen production.

After day 14, progesterone takes over for the luteal phase. On day 15 of the cycle, or after ovulation day, you’ll want to make the switch to 1-2 tablespoons each of raw sunflower and sesame seeds per day. These seeds promote progesterone production, thanks to their zinc and vitamin E contents. 

You’ll continue eating sunflower and sesame seeds daily through day 28 of your cycle—the last day before your period. Once Aunt Flo is in town, you can break out the flax and pumpkin seeds once again.

I’ve found that seed cycling works best when the seeds are raw and freshly ground, as it’s easier for your body to absorb the nutrients. If you’re wondering what the heck to eat seeds with, here are a few options:

  • Seed-based energy bites 

  • Fresh seed butter (sunflower butter is a fave!)

  • Seed-based granola

  • Sprinkling seeds on a salad or mixing them into salad dressing

  • Blending seeds into smoothies

  • Topping other dished with seeds, such as chia pudding, oatmeal, or yogurt parfaits

I’ve had low progesterone throughout adulthood, which caused my infertility challenges and continued to make for unpleasant periods, headaches, and low energy each cycle. I started seed cycling as a natural way to help my body naturally balance hormone levels and I’m a huge fan! Since starting, I’ve noticed fewer headaches, shorter and lighter periods, longer luteal phases, and overall increased mood and energy levels. I recommend it to all my friends!

It can take about three months for you to see the benefits of seed cycling. I recommend keeping a journal to keep track of your symptoms through the cycle so you can look back to see impacts over time. As always, if you have any concerns it’s best to consult your doctor. Happy cycling!

 

I'm Amy Beckley. After my experiences with pregnancy loss and IVF I used my PhD in Pharmacology to create MFB Fertility, Inc. and invented the Proov test in my basement, which now allows women to confirm successful ovulation by tracking PdG in 5 minutes, at home. I want to empower women.

Photo: Canva

As a new mother, times are scary and many mothers feel uneasy. My goal is to help new mother’s transition into parenthood easily and by offering educated information for everyone about not only breastfeeding but taking care of women postpartum. Breastfeeding carries its own mixed bag of challenges that can frustrate even the calmest of parents.

Myth Busters: There are so many myths about foods to avoid while breastfeeding, and these myths have been passed down for generations. For example, eating spicy food or broccoli will not make your baby gassy and fussy, but a glass of milk or some chocolate covered almonds really can. Food needs to contain a protein to enters the mother’s bloodstream in order to enter the breastmilk, so most foods simply change the flavor of the milk but don’t cause gas issues.

Here are the best foods to eat during breastfeeding:  

Excellent foods to eat include oatmeal, barley, brown rice, beans, sesame, dark green leafy vegetables, apricots, dates, figs, and cooked green papaya. These foods boost prolactin levels, the hormone produced by the brain that controls milk production.

Have a gassy, fussy, or excessive crying (colic) statistically baby? The most common cause of a food protein intolerance is dairy products. Because whey is a natural component of milk, avoid yogurt, ice cream, sour cream, and other dairy products. An easy swap? Switch to coconut or rice milk. Always read food labels and look for hidden sources of the cow’s milk protein including whey, casein, and ingredients that start with the prefix “lact-.” These ingredients can be found in cookies, waffles, and salad dressings. After cow’s milk, other foods to consider avoiding are nuts, chocolate, egg whites, corn, pork, citrus fruits, berries, and tomatoes. I recommend to stop eating and drinking dairy for 72 hours, then start eliminating more foods one at a time if symptoms persist.

Jennifer Ritchie, IBCLC
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Jennifer Ritchie is an Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC), Ritchie spent more than a decade helping countless parents navigate breastfeeding challenges, including latching difficulties, painful nursing, low milk production, inadequate weight gain, and induced lactation.

Can staying up too late affect your teen’s health? Some say yes. According to a study published in ERJ Open Research, teenagers who stay up late and wake later in the morning are more likely to suffer with asthma and allergies compared to those who sleep and wake earlier. 

teen smartphone in bed

Asthma symptoms are known to be strongly linked to the body’s internal clock, but this is the first study to look at how individual sleep preferences influence asthma risk in t eenagers.Researchers say the study reinforces the importance of sleep timing for teenagers and opens up a new channel of research in to how sleep affects teenagers’ respiratory health.

The study was led by Dr Subhabrata Moitra from the division of pulmonary medicine at the University of Alberta, Canada, who carried out the research while at the Barcelona Institute for Global Health, Spain. He said: “Asthma and allergic diseases are common in children and adolescents across the world and the prevalence is increasing. We know some of the reasons for this increase, such as exposure to pollution and tobacco smoke, but we still need to find out more. Sleep and the ‘sleep hormone’ melatonin are known to influence asthma, so we wanted to see if adolescents’ preference for staying up late or going to bed early could be involved in their asthma risk.”

The study involved 1,684 adolescents living in West Bengal, India, age 13 or 14 years old, who were taking part in the Prevalence and Risk Factors of Asthma and Allergy-Related Diseases among Adolescents study.

Each participant was asked if they experienced wheezing, asthma or symptoms of allergic rhinitis. They were also asked questions regarding their sleep habits and levels of tiredness at certain points in the day. 

Researchers compared the teenagers’ symptoms with their sleep preferences, taking into account other factors that are known to affect asthma and allergies, such as where the participants live and whether or not their family members smoke.

They found that the chance of having asthma was around three times higher in teens who prefer to sleep later compared to those who preferred to sleep earlier. They also found the risk of suffering allergic rhinitis was twice as high in late-sleepers compared to early-sleepers.

Dr Moitra adds, “Our results suggest there’s a link between preferred sleep time, and asthma and allergies in teenagers. We can’t be certain that staying up late is causing asthma, but we know that the sleep hormone melatonin is often out of sync in late-sleepers and that could, in turn, be influencing the teens’ allergic response.

“We also know that children and young people are increasingly exposed to the light from mobile phone, tablets, and other devices, and staying up later at night. It could be that encouraging teenagers to put down their devices and get to bed a little earlier would help decrease the risk of asthma and allergies. That’s something that we need to study more.”

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Retha Ferguson from Pexels

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Photo: Raw Pixel

Trying to conceive can be a very exciting time, but it can also be overwhelming! If you’ve started doing your research, you’ve likely encountered a ton of information and products out there—from pee strips to wearables to apps to supplements. While it’s great that there are a lot of resources out there, it can also make it difficult and frustrating to figure out where to start. 

That’s why I pulled together a list of things you can do to increase your chances of successfully conceiving as quickly as possible. And even better news—all of these are relatively inexpensive and can be done from home! This information can help you better understand your body, your partner’s body, and uncover up to 80 percent of what makes it hard to conceive.

For conception to occur, you need three things: sperm, an egg, and fertilization (when the sperm meets the egg). While this seems pretty simple, fertility is complex and sometimes things don’t always go as planned. However, by checking these boxes you can give yourself the best chances of successfully conceiving as early as possible and for as little money—and hopefully heartache—as possible. 

Tip 1: Figure out your fertile window. Fertilization is when sperm meets egg, also known as the moment of conception. To give the sperm and egg a chance to meet, it’s important to understand when your body is in its fertile window so that you can time intercourse correctly. 

There are several options to track suspected ovulation, including LH tests (ovulation predictor kits), cervical mucus monitoring, and BBT, among others. With these methods, you will know which days are your most fertile so you can time intercourse correctly and have the best chance at conception. 

Tip 2: Optimize your chances by confirming successful ovulation. No ovulation means no egg is present to fertilize, so without ovulation, you have no chance of conception. Checking to see if you are ovulating early on can save you from spending time and money on other hormone tests you may not need. 

Ovulation confirmation can happen in a couple of different ways. First, some women use BBT (Basal Body Temperature) to track the slight temperature rise associated with the presence of progesterone, which is the hormone released by the empty follicle after ovulation occurs. Progesterone blood tests can also provide a yes/no answer based on the numeric value result.

But ovulation is considered healthy when an egg is released and the empty follicle produces enough progesterone over time to support an embryo, should an egg become fertilized. So it is possible to ovulate and do so in a “weak” or “suboptimal” way. To confirm ovulation and make sure it was healthy as well, PdG testing can do the trick. PdG is the urine metabolite of progesterone. Because PdG tests track urine, they are non-invasive, can be done at home and multiple days in a row. This is important because progesterone and therefore PdG need to go up and stay up to indicate that ovulation was truly “successful” meaning that it gave the best chance at conceiving that cycle.  

What if I’m not ovulating or have weak ovulation? Not to worry. There is a lot you can do to improve it. If you suspect that ovulation isn’t occurring at all, it’s important to talk to your doctor right away as in these cases, ovulation-inducing medicine is often needed. 

If you suspect that you are ovulating but perhaps have suboptimal ovulation, you can chat with your doc as well or check out some natural ways to increase progesterone/PdG to improve ovulation quality:

Diet: While foods don’t directly contain progesterone or PdG, there are some foods that can help improve progesterone production like beans, broccoli, pumpkin, or spinach. 

Seed Cycling: Seed cycling involves eating different types of seeds during different phases of your cycle to help promote hormone balance. You can learn more about seed cycling here!

Herbs: Herbals like vitex, red raspberry leaf, and maca can all help support progesterone production and promote a hormone balance. 

Supplementation: Bio-identical progesterone supplements are widely available and are to be prescribed by a doctor. If you’re interested in a supplement, we recommend consulting your doctor. 

Tip 3: Check out his swimmers. Once you’ve got the fertile window and healthy ovulation covered, it’s important to understand what’s going on with your partner’s sperm. There are two main aspects of sperm that matter most: sperm count—meaning there is enough sperm—and sperm motility—meaning the sperm can get to where they need to be (the egg). There are many at-home sperm tests on the market that test sperm count but only a few that test count and motility, so look for a kit that measures both. 

If your partner’s sperm test results show he’s all good, then great! You can check this box and move on. If the sperm test shows low sperm count or motility, there are a few things you can do to try to improve results: 

Diet or lifestyle changes: Supplements like maca have both been shown to improve sperm count in men and nutrients like vitamin C, D, and zinc are all important when it comes to healthy swimmers. Exercising regularly can also help increase testosterone and sperm quality.

Sperm friendly lubricant: Make sure to check that your lubricant is “sperm-friendly.” Many lubricants contain ingredients or have a pH that can be harmful to sperm. Sperm friendly lubricants also mimic the viscosity and consistency of cervical mucus, making it an ideal environment for the sperm to travel. 

Try boxers: Does your partner wear tight underwear? Studies have shown that tight underwear may impair sperm production. Boxers fit more loosely and are preferred if you’re concerned about sperm. 

If sperm and ovulation are healthy and you are having intercourse during your fertile window, but still not getting pregnant, it’s important to talk to your doctor. They can test you for less common causes of infertility like blocked fallopian tubes, genetic factors, or structural abnormalities within the uterus.

 

 

I'm Amy Beckley. After my experiences with pregnancy loss and IVF I used my PhD in Pharmacology to create MFB Fertility, Inc. and invented the Proov test in my basement, which now allows women to confirm successful ovulation by tracking PdG in 5 minutes, at home. I want to empower women.

Photo: Shutterstock

Images are so powerful as they can inspire us to imagine potential. This is why my presentations include a plethora of pictures. I show audiences all kinds of girls: different ages, ethnicities and expressions—so they can embrace the message that girls are unique—beautiful, valuable and enough—just as they are, no changes required.

Girls at younger and younger ages watch us; and they emulate what they see. They are learning to poke and prod their bodies and focus on their perceived flaws. When girls are little, they love themselves so much—they feel beautiful, normal, healthy, whole and more than enough. They embrace their chubby thighs, tiny fingers and toes and rounded tummies. Why? Because they have yet to be taught any other way. They are just so happy and excited to explore what’s around them and feel loved. It’s heart-breaking the day we see her look in the mirror and tell her beautiful body that she is “too fat.”

How do we—who have been trained by body negative cultural messaging—teach girls to be body positive? How do we compete with the messages she sees every day showing her unrealistic and unhealthy body standards? It may seem like an impossible task. I have worked with girls a long time and I know they want to feel good about their bodies but they don’t always know how. Here are some ideas to get started on guiding her towards body appreciation, starting with you.

Teach body confidence.

Amy Cuddy is a social psychologist and in her 2012 TED Talk, “Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are”, she asserts that high power poses – open and expansive, tall, head up and chin out, shoulders back—looking strong and poised, affect our thoughts, feeling and physiology. This is not just about posing like a super hero but feeling like one too while influencing body chemistry—lowering cortisol (the stress hormone) and raising testosterone (the dominance hormone).

Together, you and your daughter can practice standing like super heroes for only two minutes—to create self-belief and that “I can do anything” feeling! Try this before she has a test or presentation or perhaps a difficult conversation with a friend, so she can feel assertive, confident and brave enough to take a risk. As Cuddy says, “Fake it ‘til you become it.”

Focus on feeling, not appearance.

We all do it as an easy way to connect. We compliment what she looks like: her outfit, her hair and her choice of accessories. As we highlight the superficial, she learns this to be her true value. In other words she internalizes that what she looks like matters most and she may feel your love is contingent on her appearance.

Instead of complimenting her outer beauty, try complimenting her competence. “I see how hard you are working—I love your grit and determination”. This way, she learns to embody her core qualities: her power over her prettiness. When she asks you, “How do I look”, you can ask her, “How do you feel?” And when she’s with her friends, remind her to focus on their personality, not their attire. She could have great influence in her peer group as she shows them how to choose meaningful compliments over the social norm of criticism.

Help her choose connection, over disconnection.

When something, anything really, goes wrong in our lives, it’s easy to turn on our bodies. Our bodies are accessible and all too easy to become the target of our hyper-focus. Girls may think, “If I look sexy, then I’ll get more followers on Instagram and then I’ll feel good about myself!” The trap of this logic is that turning on our bodies—not accepting what we look like, is disconnection, and may leave us feeling alone and lonely.

Talk to her about connecting, especially on days she feels stressed, tired and not so good about herself. Connection is self care and she can show herself the love and self-compassion she needs to be the healthiest version of herself by drinking enough water, eating whole and healthy foods, getting adequate sleep, moving her body to generate those feel good hormones and avoiding her social media accounts (at least for a minute!). Remember, the relationship she has with herself needs nurture to grow and we can remind her how it’s done.

Limit mirror time.

We don’t want her clothes to be worn inside out and backwards, nor do we want her to leave the house with toothpaste smeared across her face. She needs the mirror. Yet, she doesn’t need to be trapped in the mirror or get into the habit of body shaming. She should not waste her time looking for flaws or honing in on body parts she’s learned are “imperfect.”

When she is looking in the mirror, help her focus on the body parts she loves. “I love the way my legs are long and athletic.” And then, encourage her to do other things: there is so much more than body image. She can play outside, create a craft, bake, cook, do a science experiment, create a collage of photos, or play a sport. She can do it all, no perfect shape or size required. Teach her to care a little less about looking and a little more about living and remember to watch your words when you see your reflection.

Whatever her age or stage, it is never too late to help her love her body, as it’s never too late for you to love yours! She needs to know she is beautiful, valuable, and enough—as are you!

I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls, teaching and coaching for girls and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy. 

photo: iStock

It was an evening I wish I could erase from my mind. My 13-year-old daughter Nori had been spiraling downwards for months. The possibility of drugs crossed my mind enough times that I had her drug tested, which she thankfully passed. She was morphing into someone I did not recognize or frankly even like and I didn’t know why. Grades were dropping while calls from her school became more frequent. Cute clothing she used to love was slowly being replaced with baggy hoodies and sweatpants. Her long, blond hair became a point of frustration for her where it had always been a source of fashion. The withdrawing from friends came first followed by what seemed to be a withdrawal from life itself.

None of our usual parenting tactics seemed to break through her new wall. The helplessness I felt as a parent forced me to question the way I was raising her. Was I doing it wrong? Had I ruined her in some way? I continually felt torn between wanting to wrap my arms around her as a shield from the everything causing all this pain and change or wanting to throat punch her for being the source of so much chaos and disarray in our family.

Finally, a break. Our oldest daughter came to us with news that Nori had confided in her something that needed to come out. That evening was one of the worst I have ever had. Nori’s pain was genuine and raw. Her dam had finally broken and everything came gushing out. I sat speechless as I heard Nori share things like she was born in the wrong body and was meant to be a male. How she was suffering from gender dysphoria and despised the way her body was changing as female bodies do. Binding her breasts was something she was already doing on a daily basis with duct tape. I had no words when Nori started lamenting on the need for starting testosterone injections. She had grown to hate the beautiful long hair she had always known and was ready to chop it all off.

I tried to hold myself together. Thoughts and feelings reeled through my head that evening. Tears were shed, yet numbness kept drying them up. I cycled through a myriad of emotions.

Anger. This can’t be real, it’s got to be a phase and I was angry at the amount of passion she was exhibiting during this performance. Anger that she was binding her breasts with duct tape without a second thought to the permanent damage she could cause. Angry at the disregard for all the upheaval she had been putting us through with her antics

Sadness. Whether or not this was a phase, her pain was real and I felt sad that my child hated herself with so much fervor when all I saw was a beautiful young woman. Sadness that coming to us first wasn’t something she felt she could do when I thought we were close enough for that.

Mourning. Suddenly and without any say or input from me, the daughter I had known for 13 years could quite possibly be gone forever and was being replaced with this new version of her that I hadn’t gotten to know yet. That evening there was a stranger in my daughter’s body. I didn’t recognize her and I mourned the daughter I had known.

Relief. I was immensely relieved to know that this change wasn’t due to drugs, pregnancy, or being raped. Crossing those off the list somehow made things a tad easier for me.

A year has passed since that bombshell. A year since our family changed forever. Life is a great deal different although still not without its challenges. Nori’s hair has since been chopped off. I don’t hate it. All her clothing and shoes now come from the boy’s department. I don’t hate that either. The kind-hearted child I gave birth to is still in there no matter what her exterior looks like.

Hormone therapy and breast binding is not something we are allowing at this time. There are battles worth fighting and while outward male/female appearance is not one of them, permanently altering my 14-year-old is a hard no.

Having strangers in public look at my child and refer to her as my son is something I will never get used to. I will love Nori no matter what her/his future choices are. I will always mourn the little girl I had for 13 years that suddenly wasn’t anymore and that is okay. Mourning who they were does not negate the love you have for your child as they currently are. Do not be ashamed of feeling like there was a death because in several ways there was. My relationship with Nori is surprisingly good, different then it used to be but good nonetheless. Creating a new normal comes with time and will change even the most unyielding soul.

This post originally appeared on Medium.

I am a mom to three, wife to one and a writer of many things