ML Interest Tag: humility

11 Important Things Dads Should Say to Their Sons

by Kipp Jarecke-Cheng

These should all make an appearance in future father-son talks

From simple, everyday interactions to more serious, big-picture issues, there are important life lessons we dads can—and should—share to help a young boy grow into a courageous, honorable, and kind adult. That said, we realize that not all families include fathers, so these words of wisdom for a father-son talk apply to any parent figure who wants to help their child stand a little taller and do good in the world.

I’ll always be here for you.
Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. Reminding your son that you always are available to him and mindful of his needs will go a long way in establishing and building trust over time. Mindful parenting means being present in the moment and aware of what’s happening. Modeling positive, supportive behavior while your son is young will show him that good men are reliable and responsible.

Treat others with compassion and empathy.
The Golden Rule may be a simple principle to follow, but teaching empathy can provide a deeper framework for how people should behave regardless of circumstance. Fostering empathy can help young boys to find commonalities between themselves and others who are seemingly different—and encourages them to positively and proactively think about and care for others.

Related: Daughters (Who’ll Conquer the World) Need to Hear These 8 Things

father-son-talk-playing-basketball
iStock

Winning is great, but losing with grace and humility is just as important.
Good sportsmanship is a beneficial trait that goes well beyond what happens on the playing field. By teaching our sons how to win and lose with dignity, we’re giving them strong interpersonal relationship skills that will serve them well in many other aspects of their lives besides sports. Telling them that the main point of competition is to have fun will alleviate the feeling of needing to win at any cost, and allows them to enjoy themselves.

Surround yourself with people you admire.
Dads can’t always pick our son’s friends, but we can encourage them to choose their friendships wisely. Find out who your son admires and who his heroes are, and you’ll quickly discover the kinds of people he wants to emulate. Real friendships are fundamental in early childhood development, so teaching our sons how to find good friends and be good friends will help guide them in the right direction.

I can teach you how to throw a punch, but never start a fight… and always know when to walk away.
A parent should teach their son when to stand their ground and when to walk away. Establishing a baseline that it’s never appropriate to hurt others for no reason is a critical, essential first step.

Never make an important decision on an empty stomach.
Over the course of a young boy’s life, he’ll have to make many important decisions. These are just warm-ups to the big ones that he’ll have to make as an adult, and every dad knows that important decisions should never be made on an empty stomach. There’s a science to explain why people become grumpy or have poorer judgment when they are hungry. Remind your kid to have a full belly before making any major decisions.

It’s OK to play with dolls.
Or dress up as Beyoncé. Or sing like Beyoncé. Or dance like Beyoncé. By the time most boys are five years old, they’ve already learned lots of things that perpetuate toxic masculinity. Break the cycle by letting your son know that there are no such things as “girls-only toys” or “girls-only behaviors.” Instead, teach your son that there’s more than one way to be a man.

Honesty matters.
Whether it’s telling the truth about a broken window/bike/toy or speaking up against bullies, honestly is always the best policy.

What was the best part of your day?
At the end of a long day of work and school, many dads will simply ask their sons, “How was your day?” And the typical response is a bluntly delivered, “Fine.” Rather than try to start a conversation with a generic question, be specific. Avoid questions that can be answered with a single word. As our kids get older—particularly as they enter their tween and teen years—they may be less inclined to volunteer information about what’s happening in their lives. Asking pointed questions will help tease out what’s really going on and what’s really on their minds.

Let’s talk about sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
Because if you’re not the person who’s initiating conversations with your son about topics as important as these, then someone else inevitably will, and that someone else may not always have your kid’s best interests in mind. There are plenty of resources to help parents talk to their kids about sensitive and sometimes awkward topics. At the very least, make sure your son has a handle on the basics from the school of rock.

I’m so lucky that I get to be your dad.
And while you’re at it, tell your son that you love him every day, and give him lots of hugs and kisses, especially while he’s still young so that he gets used to receiving affection from (and giving it to) his old man.

Advertisement

Related reads

Advertisement

5 Reasons to Encourage Your Kids to Be (Extra) Curious

by Shelley Massey

How many questions a day do you answer? Probably thousands, right? Congrats. You are winning at this parenting thing

They say that curiosity may have killed the cat, but as it turns out, it’s a great thing in kids. And since research suggests that curiosity is an accelerant, if not a root cause of learning, then it’s no surprise that educators are taking a closer look at the relationship between natural curiosity in kids and skills that predict success in life. Here are five reasons why supporting your curious kid is more important than ever.

Curiosity Drives Learning

As noted in Psychological Science, “Researchers have demonstrated that curiosity—long thought to help motivate learning—is also associated with better learning outcomes.” Simply—a child’s curiosity about a subject correlates with whether they’ll retain what they learn. Most interestingly, kids remember lessons the most when they were stumped in the first place. Curiosity and learning are, therefore, less about finding answers than about the process of seeking understanding.

Educators who slow down and provide students time to wonder and be curious about an idea before expecting them to provide a rote answer are adept at fostering curiosity in the classroom. “Curiosity does not hold up well under intense expectation. Our role as teachers is not to provide answers. Our role is to give time and free rein to inherent curiosity and questions and let our students exist in the heightened state of hungering for knowledge,” explains education advisor and professor Eric Shonstrom.

Curiosity Builds Psychological Safety & Is a Healthy Response to Uncertainty

The Journal of American Medical Association (JAMA) reports children’s depression and anxiety rates may have doubled since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. Developing a curiosity skillset can help create your children’s psychological safety, which is the idea that someone feels safe or not afraid of being labeled or criticized for saying what they are thinking and feeling, as well as equip them with a healthy response to operating amid uncertainty.

Curiosity is also a healthy response for a child operating amid uncertainty; seeking more information helps children feel more empowered, which combats the anxiety of helplessness. “When you learn to ask more questions—especially in ambiguous situations—you’re building ‘curiosity muscles,'” says Liz Guthridge, founder of Connect Consulting Group.

Related: 13 Beautiful Books for Curious Kids

Curiosity Breeds Persistence & Scientific Thinking

curious kid playing with toys
iStock

Have you ever been stumped? You’re literally out of ideas, and the best option is to chuck it all and go home. If you can’t think of a way out, you quit. But, when you simply must know who, what, when, where, and why, you rarely run out of questions, and you rarely quit.

Curious kids simply don’t run out of questions. One observation leads to another, and “what ifs” become “how could.” The countless questions often fired from the back seat of your car are exhibits of your child’s persistence. Instead of “giving up” on an idea, they keep turning it over, examining it from new angles and different perspectives. Keep answering those questions—even when it seems like you’re on 1,999,999 because a persistent child is a resilient child.

Curiosity Counteracts Boredom & Grows Self-Sufficiency

The old saying “curiosity killed the cat” isn’t too far off the mark when you consider most of the trouble that kids get into starts with boredom. Naturally curious children can go “un-entertained,” a.k.a. flat-out-bored, without incident. When your child is occupied with imagination—about how things work, about discovering solutions to challenges that everyday interactions in the world afford—they are more likely to be able to figure things out in other situations. Ultimately, curiosity gives children opportunities to become more confident and that grows self-sufficiency.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, sensory play is an excellent way to spark a young child’s curiosity. As they reach out to what is around them, their discoveries are cataloged. The more experiences they gather, the better they become at differentiating between them, and their curiosity about what makes one experience different from the next will grow.

Curiosity Makes Your Kids Happier

Instead of being inwardly focused, curious children are aware of what’s going on around them. Research has shown that trying new things, looking for new adventures, and being interested in others promote overall well-being. And, as noted in Greater Good Magazine, our brains release dopamine and other feel-good chemicals when we encounter new things. So, if your curious kid is busy expanding their horizons, whether in school, in activities, or in friendships, there’s a good chance they’re going to feel pretty darn good about themselves.

Related: 7 Podcasts That Curious Kids Will Love

Advertisement

Related reads

Advertisement

Why Raising Socially Aware Kids Matters

by Mimi Nartey

Kids who respect different worldviews and love all kinds of different people are just two good things that come from being socially aware

Raising children who feel good about who they are, love all different kinds of people, and respect different worldviews is still not mainstream. The good news is that parenting is our greatest social activism because we can influence our children to be more socially aware and compassionate. We can expose them to different environments, cultures, and people, give them opportunities to learn in collaborative settings, and help them find opportunities to serve others. These things will help our children develop the soft skills that they need to be more successful in life and ultimately transform the culture of our society. Here are five specific reasons why being socially aware matters.

Kids who are socially aware will develop and display greater emotional intelligence

iStock

A child who is trained to be socially aware can empathize with the perspectives of others, listen empathically and display vulnerability. These are the skills that comprise emotional intelligence. According to Salovey and Mayer (1990), emotional intelligence is a “set of skills that contribute to the accurate appraisal and expression of emotion in oneself and others, the effective regulation of emotion, and the use of feelings to motivate, plan, and achieve in one’s life.” Research suggests that emotional intelligence may be a greater predictor of success than IQ, so these skills are important to the growth and development of your children. Children who can imagine what others are going through will be better able to perceive, use, understand and manage emotions, which will ultimately serve them in learning and achieving their goals.

Kids who are socially aware will be better prepared to be leaders

iStock

Being socially aware means that you understand how to react to different social scenarios, and you can adapt your interactions to achieve the best results in any situation.  A child who develops the sophistication to read people and situations will be able to gain friends, influence people, and motivate and inspire others. According to renowned executive coach, Maren Perry, it is great to have a strong understanding of your skills, values, and emotions and to be able to focus and manage your emotions, “However, outstanding leaders balance this self-focused drive with a healthy amount of empathy and organizational awareness to leverage others to accomplish more than they can alone.”

Related: 10 Ways Parents Can Fight for Social Justice Every Day

Kids who are socially aware will have greater self-awareness and self-acceptance

Jonathan Borba via Unsplash

According to the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, while self-awareness “involves looking inward to learn about yourself and understand yourself, social awareness is looking outward to learn about and appreciate others.” This is a reciprocal process of learning that involves understanding yourself and understanding others to greater and greater depths. A child will learn to appreciate their personality and individuality as they learn to authentically respect the experiences and perspectives of others. They will develop the ability to see themselves more clearly and evaluate themselves through introspection. Essentially, as a child learns to step outside of their own experience, they will learn how to be critically self-reflective as well.

Kids who are socially aware are more likely to practice gratitude

volunteering at a food bank is a great way to teach kids how to be grateful
iStock

According to the Character Lab, gratitude is "appreciation of the benefits we receive from others and the desire to reciprocate." To be grateful, you need to be aware of the benefits you receive from others and understand how to reciprocate appropriately. Gratitude is a social and emotional learning skill that is built from in-person interactions, meaningful discussion, and reflection. 

Gratitude is associated with many positive outcomes including more satisfying social relationships and decreased distress and mental illness. There are four components to gratitude, as identified by UNC-Chapel Hill’s Raising Grateful Children Project:

  • Noticing: Did someone do something nice for you? Did someone give you something or take you somewhere fun?
  • Thinking: What are all the reasons you’re thankful for this? Why do you think someone did something nice for you? Does this mean something to you? 
  • Feeling: When you think about these special things or people, how do you feel?
  • Doing: What can you actively do to express your gratitude for this person, place, or thing? 

Social awareness supports a grateful attitude in children because they learn to be humble and appreciative as they consider the perspectives of others.

Related: 10 Words & Phrases You Might Not Know Are Racist

Kids who are socially aware can persevere and find greater purpose in life

October birthday
iStock

Finally, research has also shown that individuals with greater social awareness and higher emotional intelligence perform better on cognitive tasks and are better able to overcome frustration when faced with challenges performing these tasks. Perseverance comes from a growth mindset. A child who approaches learning with humility and open-mindedness is going to be more resilient in their processes. This combination of compassion and resilience will support children in finding and achieving greater purpose in their lives through strong relationships, flexibility of thought, and persistence toward their goals.

Advertisement

Related reads

Advertisement

Why Cultural Immersion Is So Important for Kids (& How to Make It Happen)

by Mimi Nartey

Recently, there has been an explosion of information and resources for parents on social privilege and social responsibility. As a result, many parents and children are having deeper conversations about racism and other systems of bias and how to act as an effective change agent.

All this conversation is important, but remember, social justice parenting is broader than activism. It doesn’t just mean preparing your children to stand up for diversity, equity, and inclusion; it also means teaching your children to be authentically sensitive, loving, and empathic. According to Race, Class, and Parenting: 7 Strategies for Raising Sensitive, Confident and Loving Kids, the key is training your children to be curious, rather than judgmental about other people and cultures. By encouraging cultural immersion with your kids, you’ll be opening their eyes and hearts to a whole new world.

Model Curiosity for Your Kids

iStock

Journalist Ian Leslie explains, “Curiosity is a combination of intelligence, persistence, and hunger for novelty.  Curiosity will also enable your children to be humble and adaptable.”

You can model constructive cultural curiosity for your kids by the way you comment about different people:

"That's a pretty scarf she is wearing on her head...I wonder if it has a special meaning."

"I wonder what language they are speaking...it sounds cool."

"I have never seen that food before...I wonder how it tastes."

"Her hair looks really pretty. I wonder how long it took her to style it that way."

As you demonstrate how to be curious, your children will develop open-mindedness and charisma that will carry them far in their lives and careers.

Related: How I Explain Racism to My White Friends (So They Can Explain It to Their Kids)

Give Your Child Cultural Immersive Experiences

cultural immersion with grandparents
iStock

It is a rewarding process to raise children who are curious rather than judgmental. We need to do a better job of giving our kids more immersive experiences. Take them to concerts to experience different kinds of music and dance. Travel to foreign countries (and leave the resort). Encourage them to learn new languages.

When your children are immersed in new cultural environments, they will organically learn to have respect and empathy for the experiences, talents, and perspectives of others. The most beautiful part about this process is the nuance in their understanding of how we are all different, but how we all share a common humanity.

Help Your Children Learn Humility and Adaptability

two boys laughing at jokes for kids
iStock

There is a difference between having one or two friends from a minority group and immersing yourself in a different cultural context.  In communities that are not very diverse, it does not require as much humility and adaptability for a child from the majority group to find commonality between themselves and one of the few children of color in the school or neighborhood.  On the other hand, if a child attends a religious service or goes to a cultural festival, or travels to a country where they become the minority in that context, much more is required intellectually and emotionally. This kind of growth is the goal of social justice parenting.

Feed Their Curiosity

enjoy cultural immersion by eating sushi
Vinicus Benedit via Unsplash

Food is one of the most fun and simple ways to experience cultural immersion. The foods people cook are a reflection of their natural environment and historical geography. Although we may not all have the opportunity or means to travel all around the world, we can still give our children the opportunity to learn about these places and cultures through food.

11 of the Best Kid-Friendly Indian Food Recipes

15 Easy Japanese Recipes Kids Will Love

11 Simple Greek Recipes for Families

9 African Food Recipes You Need to Try at Home

8 Traditional Cuban Recipes for the Entire Family

 

 

 

Advertisement

Related reads

Advertisement

An Age-by-Age Guide to Teaching Children Gratitude

By Dr. Kim Van Dusen

To me, gratitude is about attitude, and being grateful and showing gratitude comes with humility and putting others before yourself. And here’s the psychology behind it. Research shows that if you do something good for someone else you end up feeling better about yourself. Studies have shown that generosity, giving back, and showing gratitude to others actually helps decrease stress and depression and increase life span!

In my professional expert opinion, most children want to be helpful and show appreciation, it’s the way children’s brains are wired. Being thankful is intrinsically motivating, which is behavior that is driven by internal reward. The opposite of this extrinsic motivation, getting money, or a tangible reward like candy or a sticker for doing something good. But instead, positive verbal and nonverbal praise goes a long way with a child. And the more a child is shown thankfulness for good deeds and behavior, the more they will want to continue doing it more and more. It’s naturally satisfying when someone is happy with you.

I believe the best way to teach children lessons in life is by doing. And starting as early as possible! Showing them firsthand how to be grateful and giving back by volunteering and helping those in need. Parents are the role models and it all starts with us. Therefore, I have implemented writing in a Gratitude Journal every morning with my children. This can work really well for children from preschool age to college. You can prompt your children if they need help and then write down a few things/people you are thankful for each day helps gratefulness!

Here are some other ways to teach gratitude for children of all ages and cognitive developmental levels:

Babies: Teach them please and thank you.

Toddlers: Pick new toys at the store and donate them to Toys for Tots, Rady Children’s Hospital, or Operation Christmas Child.

Children: Teach them how to write a thank you each time they receive a gift from someone. Or once a month, make a card and give it to a teacher, friend, or family member and or leave a note and some water and snacks for mail carriers to show appreciation for all of the extra hours they are putting in this holiday season can help them feel grateful for hard-working individuals.

Teenagers: Volunteer at a food bank or a soup kitchen for the day so it can help shape and build their perspective. Or find a good cause to donate to and or participate in like a Susan G Komen Walk for Breast Cancer where they can raise money and walk the walk!

And here are a few of my favorite Gratitude Journals:

Good Days Start With Gratitude: A 52 Week Guide to Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude​

Gratitude: A Journal​

The 3 Minute Gratitude Journal for Kids: A Journal to Teach Children to Practice Gratitude and Mindfulness​

How have you shown your children gratitude? I’d love to hear your ideas, too!

 

This post originally appeared on The Parentologist w/ Dr. Kim.

Dr. Kim is a mom of two young children, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Registered Play Therapist, Univeristy Professor, and the owner/founder of The Parentologist w/ Dr. Kim, a Southern California based family and lifest‌yle blog about everything parenting with a therapeutic twist. 

Advertisement

Related reads

Advertisement

Why Some Marriages Fail: My Experience Revealed

By Pedro Odubayo Thompson

My marriage, like any other, started on an excellent footing. It began with hope and great expectation, and there were love and friendship. We were two young people taking this marriage journey together. Because we were different in every respect despite the effort to become united in spirit and flesh, we still saw things from a divergent perspective. That’s not surprising as we had a completely different upbringing and background.

Could it be that the essentials that make a healthy and successful marriage (the strings that bind the package together) were completely missing in my marriage?

I must confess that some of these elements probably were carelessly handled. Was there a lack of communication, patience, humility, forgiveness, time commitment, faithfulness, honesty, and trust? All leading to an inevitable failed marriage? Probably so.

As far as I’m concerned, as the husband and breadwinner, I thought I was doing my best to make sure my family didn’t lack anything. But by so doing, I missed spending quality time with my wife, and that was a problem in itself. I don’t want to paint myself as a saint because they say it takes two to tango and the fault should be shared by both parties, for that reason, I should be partly blamed. If I was more mature maybe I would have handled many situations much better. Indeed, being ready to be more patient, humble, and able to forgive. Doing so would have solved many problems that later became a thorn in my side.

The breakup was very devastating for me, most especially with the children at the center of it all. They say when two elephants fight the grass suffers. My children weren’t the only ones who were affected by this turmoil because I was also caught in the middle as well. It caused me to weep in the open and in secret. I missed their warmth and everything else about my children, which caused me to become depressed and created other health problems that I might have for the rest of my life.

No Wonder They Say, Love Kills

Marriage is a natural and sacred institution contracted to last as long as we live. We say, “Till death do us part.”

The one-million-dollar question is, has this union always worked out for everybody as planned? The answer, without any hesitation, is absolutely NO. Is there a guide to fix these varied marriage problems? I hope so because it’s said where there’s a will, there should be a way. Therefore, both sides of the marriage should always plan to put their home in order.

Why didn’t my marriage work?

Well, it was all due to a catalog of missing fundamental building blocks that a great marriage creates. In addition to those mentioned previously, add the lack of maturity, patience, and forgiveness. What about self-ego, undaunting faithfulness, selfishness, and many more from both parties, as the fault of a failed marriage cannot be one-sided.

It needs the maturity of both sides for the marriage to succeed. Every union begins with great dreams: Love for one another, being faithful to each other, raise healthy and well-matured kids, both mentally, psychologically, and otherwise.

A marriage is like a flower that needs constant watering to grow. The same goes for a relationship—it requires many open discussions to keep it warm and running smoothly. Intrinsic is the need for wisdom, understanding, and all it will take to let it flourish. The more insight and knowledge we apply to the union, the more likely the marriage will survive and mature.

The consequences of a failed marriage are devastating. A couple must strive to tap into whatever resources are available to learn how to keep the marriage afloat. At the core, decisions must be made between both partners to decide who the wage earner is, which activities will be undertaken toward the children’s feeding and nurturing, and keeping the home running smoothly. It’s of utmost importance to maintain constant dialogs to put things in their right perspective. Doing so will prepare the marriage to weather any storm both in rosy and challenging times.

Furthermore, the waters can become choppy in a marriage when it becomes necessary to cooperate and lend a hand to extended family members (husband’s and wife’s siblings). These actions can cause so many setbacks where one part of the family is favored over the other.

It is no wonder that these issues constitute some of the headaches that marriages face (depending on tradition and culture). Some cultures expressly include extended families in the marriage. As the saying goes: when you’re married into a family, you’re not just married to your wife or husband but to the whole clan.

Just this aspect can produce fruits of discord instead of agreement and love. When that happens, it means love has become bitter and downright poisonous in the marriage. It begins to go down a slippery slope producing contrary effects. But when the children are caught in the middle of all this confusion, it becomes even dangerous for everybody involved, and it could provoke a lot of unwanted problems.

Things get out of hand entirely when the father or the mother enters into a new marriage after their divorce. Children’s issues become more challenging and can escalate when one parent isn’t cooperative. Still, it’s imperative to continue looking for ways by all means despite the rough path to follow.

With all things being equal, my marriage has taught me a lifelong lesson. Though I cannot go back and correct the past, I will always make good the lessons learned by investing in the present and hoping for a better and prosperous future.

Pedro Odubayo Thompson
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Pedro O. Thompson (aka, KARIMO), you can call him POT.

Pedro is a Prolific Certified Translator. He translates from English to Spanish and English to English. He is an Image/Book Copy Editor/a Writer & Blogger, coupled with a good background in business settings/publishing, and  a keen interest in public affairs.

 

Advertisement

Related reads

Advertisement

Parenting, aka- The Perfect Puzzle

By Catherine Buhler

‌

Recently I was talking to my friend who was struggling with her sons new habit. Screaming at the top of his lungs. What do I do, she asked me? So I suggested squirting him with a water bottle every time he did it. “You mean, like a dog?!?!” We both giggled, as if to concur, we both were completely perplexed. How many times does this happen? Our sweet and charming little children pick up mannerisms, attitudes and behaviors that leave us completely puzzled. On a daily basis I spend about 10-13 minutes wishing that children came with an owners manual. I really do not know how people parented before the Internet. In the past 3 days I have googled, “toddler sleep regression”, “child fearing monster in the toilet”, and my favorite, “How to explain a vagina to a 2 year old.” 

Because Samantha is my first child I am constantly being faced with the wretched realization that I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Every time she talks back, disobeys or challenges me, I have to assess the situation. “Quick, Cat! Whatchu gonna do? Don’t show fear, she smells it.” So I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and think about what Super Nanny would do. Too bad I don’t have a British accent. That woman could discipline a tadpole and it would listen. 

Nevertheless, I do read the parenting books. If you came to my house and glanced at my bookshelf you would think you were at a pediatric therapists office. The books that say consistency is key. The advice that says “let the natural consequence be the punishment.” Or then you get the opposing guidance, “When they rebel, they really just need your love. Grab them and hug them generously.” Is it really any wonder why we sit here on our couches totally confused with all the parenting wisdom we are being hurled? Do I need to ignore Samantha’s tantrum or chase her down the hall for cuddles? 

It is times like these where I am thankful that I have my mother. My mom is a teacher and spent time in child development classrooms learning about behavior, discipline and adolescence. I am often calling her saying, “I did A. B. and C. but its not working, what now?” or “Samantha keeps licking our arms. Is this normal?” After she laughs at all my questions she acknowledges my worries and then gives me some sort of encouragement that goes along the lines of, “You’ll be okay.” I secretly think she loves that I am now feeling all the despair and confusion that I gave her when I was younger. Touché, Grandma! 

Now, let me be clear. I am writing this because 1) I am beginning to realize (and appreciate) that we are ALL baffled on this parenthood puzzle. 2) It needs to be talked about more often. Why are performing like we have all our ducks in a row? And 3) I need some humility and humor to get me through the day. I am on my 6th Oreo and its barely 11am. 

Regardless of how hard children can be, I love being a Mom. I love that she jumps on the couch yelling, “Mom, lets cuddle!” Or when she mimics what I do in order to be just like me. I admire my daughters’ humor, her joy, and the way she can make a stranger smile. I love that she makes me want to be a better Mother, and I hope that I can be that, however, I know that she’ll forgive me if I don’t have it all figured out. She’ll love me regardless. This I know. 

Hi, i'm Cat! We live in Orlando, Florida where my husband works for Mickey Mouse (no, really). We have two kids, Samantha (5) & Preston (2). I suffer from a chronic illness called Short Bowel Syndrome. My ramblings are dedicated to travel adventures, nap time confessions and my medical journey. Cheers!

Advertisement

Related reads

Advertisement

This Christmas, I’m Speaking My Kids’ Love Language

By Kristin Van de Water

Photo: Kristin Van de Water

“Are there any new presents under the tree?” chirped my daughter the moment she bounded through the door after school. “Are these all the presents we’re going to get?” she asked, re-inspecting the loot and grumbling, “Why does Zachary get the biggest gifts?”

Fifteen minutes after school pickup—and I already needed a mommy timeout. I can’t stand seeing materialism brainwash my daughter, leaving an ungrateful heart in its wake.

During gifting seasons, my daughter shows an utter lack of gratitude for the bounty before her. Even when she unwraps something on her wish list, she blurts out, “I don’t like Legos…I wish I had the purple one…Did I get any money? Can I pick out anything on the computer?”

Thankfully, my daughter’s fascination with gifts isn’t limited to receiving them. Her favorite activity is wrapping up toys and odds and ends from around the apartment and presenting them to friends and siblings. Last week, my daughter gave one such gift to her classmate and then saw how sad that friend’s little sister was upon not receiving a gift of her own. My daughter was so distraught with the situation she spent several hours that weekend wrapping up trinkets in various boxes and taping them together into the shape of a bird to present it to the little sister.

You can imagine the delight shared by both parties when Monday’s playdate rolled around. These sweet gifting rituals amongst playmates have nothing to do with monetary value. It’s about the surprise, thought, anticipation, unwrapping, and reciprocation.

After witnessing this joyful exchange, I reassessed my resentful perspective on the central role of gifting during a season that’s about so much more. I threw out my previous assumption that my daughter was a victim to materialism and considered the possibility that gifting was simply her way of feeling emotionally connected to others. In other words, gifts are her love language.

Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively, explains that people feel loved in five primary ways, called love languages:

  1. Acts of Service
  2. Quality Time
  3. Physical Touch
  4. Words of Affirmation
  5. Gifts

While all kids love gifts, some enjoy snuggles or a special family outing just as much as physical presents. That’s the case for three of my four kids. But for my 7-year-old daughter, gifts are her primary love language.

Because receiving gifts ranks lowest on my list of how I feel loved, I’ve traditionally struggled to understand my daughter’s fascination with presents.

I feel loved through acts of service and physical touch. As a result, in my attempt to show motherly love, I default to taking care of my kids’ physical needs and showering them with hugs and kisses. But to a daughter who never snuggles deeper into a hug (if I tried to cuddle her as a baby, she would stretch out her legs to try to stand up), my actions are undoubtedly lost in translation.

“Notice how your child relates to you,” Chapman suggests. “Typically, kids show love in the way they’d like to receive it.”

My daughter is a prolific writer and crafter, creating books, cards, pictures, songs and paper treasures to gift to family and friends. She wrote two stories this afternoon and “published” them just in time to read aloud as bedtime stories—giggling all the way at her own jokes!

What joy! What a gift! It amazes me that I’m only now realizing that I should reciprocate. So, I brainstormed ideas on how to gift my daughter words of affirmation.

  • Tuck a note in her lunchbox: “You tell funny jokes! Here’s one of mine…”
  • Set up toys into a playful scene, labeled, “Good morning! We can’t wait to play with you!” so she sees it when she wakes up.
  • Say, “I love the way you draw! Could you teach me to draw a cute puppy?”
  • Stick a post-it on one of her in-progress stories. “I’m your biggest fan! Your stories are creative and fun to read.”
  • Write a thank-you note. “Thank you for breaking up your little sister’s tantrum with tickles and a story. You’re a great big sister!”

As fun as these ideas sound, this is another tricky area for me because words of affirmation rank second-lowest on my love language list. At first, I assumed that compliments would unhealthily puff up my daughter’s ego rather than teaching humility. I don’t want her to grow up feeling entitled or grow numb to praise. I also don’t want her to base her value on another’s verbal approval.

But then I looked at it through the lens of my own love language: acts of service. Just because I feel emotionally connected to my husband when I wake up to a basket of clean laundry doesn’t mean I’m overly dependent on others taking care of me.

Therefore, I shouldn’t lament my daughter’s fascination with gifts as a problem or dependency to be fixed, but rather as one unique facet of her personality.

Luckily for me, this means the joy of Christmastime giving doesn’t have to stop come January. I have a daughter who delights in thoughtful surprises throughout the year. I cherish those sweet good-morning notes slid under my door and look forward to loving her in ways that speak into her heart.

This doesn’t mean hugs and dinner prep should come to a full stop just because they are my love language, not hers. According to Chapman, “The goal is to give your child heavy doses of his or her primary love language while continuing to include the other four. This teaches the child how to receive and give love in all five languages.”

When my kids grow into adults who love on spouses and children of their own, I pray that they both know and show genuine, self-giving love—even if it sometimes feels like they must speak in a foreign language to make that happen.

Kristin Van de Water
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Kristin Van de Water is a former journalist and teacher who relies on humor, faith, and her mom crew to get her through the day. Raising four kids in a two-bedroom NYC apartment, Kristin is always on the lookout for life hacks to save time, space, money, and her sanity.

Advertisement

Related reads

Advertisement