As a mom of four school-aged children and wife to an adventurous serial entrepreneur, trying to get work done while completing my graduate degree means there is never a dull moment.

To best manage my ever-changing and often chaotic schedule, I have read dozens of self-help books and amassed a treasure trove of tips and tools on how to live better and tap into my potential. I adopted high-performance habits, witnessed the life-changing magic of tidying up, embraced my imperfections, joined the 5 a.m. club, tapped into the power of now, and stopped apologizing. To say I “put in the work” would be an understatement.

In the midst of the pandemic ups and downs, I was grateful for the survival tips and life hacks that helped keep me stay sane while navigating uncharted territory. I shared many useful tools and life hacks on my blog and adapted them to help my clients move closer to their intended goals.

What happened next came somewhat unexpectedly. I went from “self-help junkie” to “self-help skeptic.” I discovered that what worked for me often didn’t work for others. In fact, tips that worked for some clients were sometimes detrimental to others and accomplished the opposite of their desired outcome.

I realized how important it was for me to understand the narrative beneath a particular individual’s desire for change before digging into which tools and lifestyle hacks are best suited for them. This was the most sustainable way to pave a path toward alignment between their core values and building the life they truly wanted.

Instead of looking for answers, we started digging for better questions. The tools are great, but are they great for you? Why do you want this change now? For example, facing fears can be a good thing, but does the notion of facing your fears apply in all situations?

Here’s another example: The often quoted “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no” has resulted in people saying no because it simply doesn’t “feel” good to say yes. Perhaps there are certified people-pleasers out there who can benefit from this approach, but if we adopt this view without deeper questioning, we run the risk of becoming narcissists, looking out for our own interests at the expense of others.

Un-Selfing Help

I have no doubt that the many self-help books I read have had a profound impact on my life and helped change it for the better. I feel a deep sense of gratitude to Brene, Eckhart, Dale, and all the self-help gurus who have made it their life’s mission to help us tap into our potential.

Despite having experienced tremendous growth from the self-help tools I adopted (I still wake up at 5 a.m. and get loads of stuff done before the kids take over) and from my graduate studies in psychology, my endless curiosity about the human condition helped me identify missing components of the puzzle that I previously wasn’t aware of.

The Spiritual Approach

In his best-selling and widely acclaimed book Morality: Restoring the Common Good in Divided Times, Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks shares a profound truth that completely altered the way I understood self-help and self-care.

While the willpower and desire for change come from us, for most of us it is the quality of our relationships that give us meaning and fulfillment, and it is in our ability to love and care for another that we can go beyond our “self.”

Sacks proposes we shift from “I” to “We” and become concerned with the welfare of others as though it were our own. Sacks argues that “the only people that will save us from ourselves is ‘We’ the People.”

While this concept isn’t new, we have seen a lot of new research on the link between taking responsibility and doing for others and improved physical health, mental health, increased happiness levels, and so forth. In a survey of people in 136 countries, people who had donated money to charity were happier than those who had not, and today we see the direct health benefits of helping others and volunteering.

The interdependent nature of our society is perhaps more evident today than ever, and in a post-COVID world, we will have a rare opportunity to re-examine the role of self-help and self-care and recognize the inescapable link between the “self” and the “other,” which will hopefully lead us to a place of greater connection, fulfillment and increased joy.

I have always loved looking to research for guidance on best practices for more wholesome living, and so I continue to share tips with my clients and on my blog. My hope is that you might do the same and adopt what works for you while remaining curious and having in mind that there is no one size fits all formula for success.

As a recovering perfectionist, I can tell you that when success is measured on someone else’s barometer or defined by external forces (e.g., standards of others, validation, results) as opposed to internal ones (the inherent value of what we are doing or want to do), not only do we become more likely to “cheat” the system (like using that oh-so-tempting Instagram filter that makes us look flawless), but we also begin to cheat our systems—the one inside ourselves that is left feeling continuously depleted, as though we are never enough.

Finally, time is a precious, unrenewable resource, so use it wisely. How are you spending your time? Take note of what you can change to move closer toward your intended goals and not someone else’s. I couldn’t think of a better quote that beautifully encapsulates this principle than this verse from Hillel the Elder: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me. If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, then when?

Originally published November 2020.

Eda Schottenstein is a mental health awareness advocate, founder of The Multi-Role Woman, children’s book author and mother of four. She is passionate about helping women who “struggle with the juggle,” guiding them to bridge the gap between where they are and where they aspire to be.

In partnership with Renew Life.

Feel like you’ve got a lot on your plate these days? Despite packed schedules and never-ending to-do lists, it’s important to find ways to be good to your body—whether that’s finding zen in a yoga class or choosing sleep over social media “doomscrolling.” Another simple way to support health and wellbeing is to give your microbiome some love with a daily probiotic.

Renew Life® Women’s Care Probiotic 25 Billion promotes everyday digestive, immune, urinary and vaginal health*. Get 10% off + free shipping on all Renew Life products by using code TINYBEANS10

Wait… What’s a Microbiome?

According to the Mayo Clinic, the lining of your gut is covered in microscopic creatures, mostly bacteria. But don’t panic—many types of bacteria are helpful. These organisms create a micro-ecosystem called the microbiome. And the key to a healthy microbiome is creating a balance among the different species of bacteria in your gut

Probiotics Add Good Bacteria to Your Body

Probiotics are foods or supplements that contain live microorganisms intended to maintain or improve the levels of "good" bacteria in your microbiome—restoring balance and making you feel better. Adding some balance to a busy life? Yes, please!

Renew Life® Women’s Care Probiotic 25 Billion promotes everyday digestive, immune, urinary and vaginal health*. Get 10% off + free shipping on all Renew Life products by using code TINYBEANS10

Go With Your Gut

Women’s health runs the gamut. You may be dealing with tummy troubles or worried about what’s going on down there after a long day in a bathing suit (the struggle is real!). One small act—like taking the #1 women’s probiotic^ Renew Life® Women’s Care Probiotic 25 Billion—can support your health in big ways. Made by women, for women, some of the probiotic strains in the Women’s Care Probiotic are clinically tested and shown to balance vaginal pH and yeast levels, and promote digestive, immune and urinary health.*

A woman’s gut and vagina have two very different microbiomes—this probiotic supports both. Consider it multitasking at its finest! In a nutshell—addressing your unique needs helps your natural rhythms thrive.*

With a diverse formula developed by microbiologists and researchers, Renew Life® Women’s Care Probiotic 25 Billion has more clinically studied strains than the leading brand,† including the #1 most-studied strain.‡ The delayed-release capsules help ensure the probiotics reach your gut alive.

Women’s bodies are complex—but incorporating this awesome probiotic is a breeze.

Renew Life® Women’s Care Probiotic promotes everyday digestive, immune, urinary and vaginal health*. Get 10% off + free shipping on all Renew Life products by using code TINYBEANS10

—Jessica Solloway

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.
^Based on IRI unit sales data, July 2021.
†PubMed Clinical Trials, August 2019.
‡L. rhamnosus GG strain, PubMed Clinical Trials, August 2019.

SpongeBob SquarePants fans rejoice! The beloved Bikini Bottom star is the subject of a MONOPOLY game—and it’s about to go viral.

MONOPOLY: SpongeBob SquarePants Meme Edition is available right now. Unlike the traditional MONOPOLY game, players don’t buy hotels, railroads or utilities in this version. Instead, it’s all about becoming Internet famous.

Photo: The Op Games 

The Meme Edition of this MONOPOLY game features six custom-sculpted tokens—Bubbles with Bubblewand, Mermaidman’s Belt Buckle, Squidward’s Clarinet, SpongeBob’s Spatula, a Krabby Patty and Jellyfish. To play the game you need to buy, sell and trade Internet famous images of SpongeBob and his BFFs from Bikini Bottom.

Forget about Houses and Hotels. In this edition, you’ll build Posts and create Collections! Keep playing to get Likes and bankrupt the other players. MONOPOLY: SpongeBob SquarePants Meme Edition also replaces the tried and true Community Chest cards with Comments and Shares.

This game is intended for two to six players ages eight-years and up. Find MONOPOLY: SpongeBob SquarePants Meme Edition here for $39.99.

—Erica Loop

 

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Disney Villainous fans can look forward to a new expand-alone expansion of their fave game line. Acclaimed game-maker Ravensburger recently announced the debut of Despicable Plots.

Play the part of a Disney villain in this imaginative expansion addition. Disney Villainous: Despicable Plots features three new villains in the popular game pack pick: Gaston (Beauty and the Beast), Lady Tremaine (Cinderella), and The Horned King (The Black Cauldron).

disney game

To become a villainous victor, gamers must play the roles of each of the three characters. Gaston needs to make Belle believe he’s the perfect man for her by removing obstacles from his Realm, Lady Tremaine must convince the Prince to marry Anastasia or Drizella, and The Horned King must fill his Realm with the Cauldron Born.

disney game

Disney Villainous: Despicable Plots features three Realm Boards, three Villain Movers, 90 Villain Cards, 45 Fate Cards, 58 Tokens, three Reference Cards, three Villain Guides, and instructions. The game is intended for children and adults ages 10 and up. While two to three players can join in on the fun in Despicable Plots, you can add the game to other Disney Villainous boxes and include up to six players total.

The game retails for $24.99 and is currently available for pre-order and at Target. Target shoppers can snag a limited-edition, featuring a bronze Gaston game piece and special game sleeve. Look for Disney Villainous: Despicable Plots in stores nationally on Feb. 28, 2021.

—Erica Loop

Photos courtesy of Ravensburger

 

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Flowers are nice and all, but if the real way to your partner’s heart is through that sweet tooth, then a donut bouquet makes for the perfect Valentine’s Day surprise.

Harry and David’s Donut Bouquet might not be as traditional as long-stemmed roses, but it’s certainly sweet (pun intended). The 10-piece arrangement is wrapped in pink tissue and adorned with a gold bow.

photo: Harry and David

It features four kinds of donuts including pink-tinted white chocolate with a white drizzle, white chocolate with pink drizzle or mini heart sprinkles, milk chocolate with pink drizzle or mini heart sprinkles and dark chocolate with mini heart sprinkle.

The bouquet is available to order online for $50. As Delish reports, the bouquet is so popular that it tends to sell out, so don’t wait too long to order.

—Shahrzad Warkentin

 

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Kit Kat’s New Raspberry Crème Flavor Is the Perfect Valentine’s Treat

Photo: Elizabeth North

As a child, did you ever wake early with anticipation? Were you one of the children who rushed to see exactly what was under the tree? I was. Patience was never a strong suit and surprises are something I am still not a fan of. In fact, Christmas memories are some of my favorite from my childhood.

My mom, her sisters, sometimes her brothers, their spouses, and up to 11 kids crammed into one home for up to a week celebrating not only the magic of Christmas but the blessing of life, of family. We had some crazy times, from almost losing a child in the snow to my all-time favorite memory waking early to meet my cousin face to face crawling around long before we were “allowed” to be up. As we faced off under a pile of gifts we both startled and then gulped in as much air as possible to keep from blowing our cover. The belly laughs and joy we held within continues to resonate in my mind nearly 30 years later.   

The excitement of Christmas and preparing our hearts and mind for the holiday season could be compared to the preparation for parenthood, for the dreams you create for the children you expect. Sometimes, however, you receive the unexpected. In those moments, emotions swell. Perhaps you’re weighed down by disappointment, fear, anxiety, pain, sadness. Perhaps you wonder how you will feel strength or find a way to be thankful for a life you didn’t anticipate? In those moments, however, if you take a deep breath and step back you may begin to see it, to feel it, and to understand the gift is so much more than what you actually wanted it was in fact what you actually needed.   

Autism is like that. The last five years have changed almost everything in our lives. While it has taken so much, in the end, I choose to look at what it has given me. Today, I reflect and see how much I have grown, how much this wasn’t supposed to be a journey but my destiny to challenge, change myself and walk beside a child who was intended for me.   

In dark moments, I have found what matters. People who care have come out of places I never expected. True friends have stuck around and I have been blessed to meet people in my life I never would have encountered if it weren’t for autism. Autism has taught me patience. It taught me to be present, to acknowledge the small moments of growth. It has taught me that unwrapping the most precious gift may not look like what I wanted or expected but in the end, it’s better than I could have ever imagined.   

As this holiday season is upon us, I could choose to be sad, to be mad, to be angry for what could have been or what I wanted—I spent too many years like that. Instead, I can choose to seek the joy in what is, in the moments that matter, and cherish what we have because reality is, there is a gift when you choose to unwrap it.                         

I'm a mom of many who is living her best life navigating a busy world full of ups and downs. Managing five kids and one with additional needs I enjoy learning through living and sharing what I know. I can't wait to share our Messy World with you.

 

Jen Pinkston

Jen Pinkston is a fashion industry veteran, mom of two daughters and most recently the founder of La Paloma, a collection of better sleep and loungewear for kids.

Just like the Christmas lights my husband once left on the roof until July, my kids are notorious for rocking their holiday-themed sleepwear well past societal norms. Who can blame them? Cozy is cozy. However, fact: Those jack-o-lanterns just aren’t as cute in January. For optimal mileage out of your kid’s holiday pjs this year without having to eye roll when you see a Santa-Claus-clad child rounding the corner in February, consider these 5 super cute holiday prints that are more evergreen… pun intended.


1

Cotton Nightgown in Evergreen Polka Dot

Does this come in my size?

$58

I love a classic dot. It's fun and youthful, but doesn't scream, I belong to a six-year-old!

BUY NOW

2

Longjohn Pajamas in Floral Unicorn

Unicorns... but make them chic.

$46

I love that this print doesn't include any of the traditionally holiday color palettes, but still feels very festive.

BUY NOW

3

Thermal Long John Set with Custom Chain Stitching

Waffle knit for the win.

$68

You can't go wrong with these simple waffle knit long johns. Custom chain stitching makes them extra special!

BUY NOW

4

Cotton Nightgown in Scandi Shapes

Seeing Red.

$58

This red Scandi-print is so cute! It feels holiday, but also Valentine's-themed, fit for summer, etc. Basically these are year-round kid's pajamas!

BUY NOW

5

Longjohn Pajamas in Vintage Village

If Your favorite Vermont town was a pajama...

$46 BUY NOW

If Your favorite Vermont town was a pajama it would be this one. It's so sweet and quaint and reminiscent of holidays past.

Almost universally, parents experience the ritual of teaching children to say the “magic words”: please and thank you.  Many children get the idea that there is only one magic word: “please-and-thank-you.” It’s considered a triumph when children begin to use the words spontaneously.

However, the practice of calling them “magic words” seems to convey to children that if they use them, their wish will be granted. They will receive the candy, the toy, the outing, whatever is the object of their desire. This may be because the desired object is something a parent already intends to give the child. In essence, this is a bribe intended to get the child to say “please-and-thank-you.”

When the magic words don’t work—when the child is asking for something the parent is unable or unwilling to give—little Evan or Marguerite is disappointed, even upset to the point of melt-down. It’s a sad lesson in life that there really are no magic words that result in wish-fulfillment.

Instead of bribing kids into saying please and thank you, I recommend using another old standby of child-raising: The notion that children imitate adults.

But how often do children really see please and thank you, and that other essential phrase “you’re welcome,” used in the home or by parents? Manners can become a little lax when you see someone every day.

How difficult is it to say, quite naturally, “Please pass the salt” or “Please help me put away these groceries” or “Please keep the noise down. I’m going to have a nap”? And then thank the other adult when she or he complies. How often do we say, “You’re welcome” when you give someone something they have requested? And how often do we say “please” and “thank you” sarcastically, as if they shouldn’t have to be said at all? 

While family life gives plenty of opportunities for demonstrating the proper way to use the magic words, so too do interactions in the outside world. How many of us remember to say “thank you” to the server who brings our food? How many forget the “please” in the simple sentence, “Please bring me a glass of water”? When thanked by a person you’ve helped in some way, do you answer, “You’re welcome” or at least “No problem,” the modern-day equivalent?

Personally, I think that the most important time to use the words, “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome” is within the family. They are words of acknowledgment, appreciation, and goodwill that surely our family members deserve. If it feels weird to say these words to your partner, ask yourself why. Do you feel that less politeness is due to family members than to a stranger? I think they deserve more. 

Of course, in daily interactions, it’s easy to forget saying please and thank you to someone you know so well. Their compliance is assumed, so much so that the sentence, “No, I can’t help you with the groceries” is shocking.

But that’s another thing that children need to learn—that sometimes their requests, even prefaced with the magic words, will receive a negative response. Then they have a chance to learn the words “I’m sorry,” as in “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were on the phone” or “I’m sorry. I can’t help right now, but give me ten minutes and I will.”

My point is that please-and-thank-you aren’t magic words at all, that you’re welcome and I’m sorry should go along with them, and that using them as everyday words within your household is the best way to teach them.

After all, don’t we also say, “Children learn what they live”?

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

Postpartum bleeding in the weeks after birth is expected. Thinx, makers of period absorbing underwear, is now offering a Postpartum Set which is specifically dedicated to people who have recently given birth. This set will offer five pairs of underwear designed to absorb postpartum flow. 

Thinx postpartum set

The set, which will offer two Moderate Hiphuggers, two Super Cotton Briefs, and one Super Hi-Waist, is intended to be used in the 2-6 week postpartum period after giving birth.

“As someone who recently gave birth to my second child, I can speak confidently about the convenience, comfort, and security using Thinx gives after having a baby,” commented Maria Molland, Thinx Inc., CEO. “I’m excited that we are offering this set that makes it easy for new parents, or their loved ones looking for the perfect baby shower gift, to get exactly what they will need for that time in life.”

The innovation of Thinx at their highest absorbency level (Super) can hold up to four regular tampons’ worth and are designed to replace disposable period products, providing leak protection to every new parent.

“I have worked at Thinx for 4 years, and I have been a loyal user of the underwear since that time, but I really gained a new appreciation for them, and how they work, after I gave birth to my daughter last December. They just made me feel like my semi-normal self again!” Daniella Amirian, Director of Growth Marketing.

Wearing a regular pair of underwear with built-in leak protection, like Thinx, are just what parents need. In addition to bleeding right after giving birth, a person’s menstrual cycle — the flow they’ve always known — can change dramatically after having a child. The Thinx Postpartum Set will help new parents manage the unpredictability of their “new” period when it returns, so the set will continue to be a go-to in the underwear drawer.

“I gave birth in January of this year; and as a new parent there are so many things you’re learning and experiencing! I really love that with Thinx, postpartum bleeding was one less thing to worry about as I adjusted to my new routine,” commented Ariela Gittlen, Thinx, Inc. Designer.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Thinx

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Photo: istock

Starting right now, I vow to love myself for all that I am, and for all that I am not. We pay a lot of lip service about embracing our flaws. “I love you warts and all,” is a consistent mantra. But somehow, societal pressures make us think that we’re not good enough to exist in the world. We all know that models’ pictures and gorgeous people’s Instagram photos don’t represent the average person. Still, those pictures make so many of us feel bad about ourselves. Why can’t we lose weight? Why can’t we properly apply makeup? Why can’t we look super cute in an adorable outfit? 

It’s not just about looks anymore. Pinterest makes everything look easy. Spectacularly organized homes and sparkling clean countertops have turned into emotional triggers. What’s actually in that “important paper pile” gathering dust on my countertop? Why haven’t I thrown out the bananas with the fruit flies congregating around them? Oh yeah, because I intended to use said bananas for my Pinterest-worthy banana bread that I’ll never make.

Seeing little girls with bows in their hair while my child’s curly locks are a tangled mess have compelled me to pull out the detangling spray and curl cream. DIY ventures look so easy but often prove to be exhausting and difficult for the amateur. When do we say, “I’ve had enough?” When do we realize that internet pictures are fun to look at, but we can’t beat ourselves up for being unable to replicate them? For me, that realization is right now. And I am okay with that.

The truth is, I’m constantly exhausted. As a single mom of three children who battles several autoimmune diseases, I’ve finally accepted my limitations. I can’t do it all. Actually, I can’t do most of it. Some days, I have to pat myself on the back because everyone is alive and in the house. My love and presence is everything to my children and I’ve learned that’s all they really need. Exhausted and wearing the same t-shirt and black leggings for the third consecutive day doesn’t affect my kids. When I make a frozen pizza for dinner instead of the stirfry I promised to whip up, at least my children are fed. When I pick my kids up from an activity wearing a hat to cover my greasy hair, at least they have a caring parent to pick them up. I know I’ve set the bar pretty low, but at least I can meet my goals. 

We can’t be everything to everyone. I’m never going to be a fabulous DIY mom and my house isn’t ever going to be decluttered. I’m always going to be a mom who shows up for my kids and who my kids can count on. There’s always going to be those who are judgy or who are downright haters. We have to be okay with that in order to live our best lives. Often, our inner voice is our harshest critic. Those nagging thoughts drag us down on an hourly basis. Do we really deserve to be miserable because we haven’t yet achieved a certain income, weight, relationship status or job? Can we accept some things as okay for right now and others as okay for always? 

Starting right now, I vow to be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy. I’m going to embrace my authenticity—all of my quirks, flaws, and limitations are all part of who I am. Mommy is a person who is amazing just as she is. Authenticity is beautiful.

This post originally appeared on Fairygodboss.com.

I’m an author, attorney, adjunct professor, and college application coach. I’m an autoimmune warrior and a mother of three. I enjoy using both sides of my brain and have recreated myself many times to  work around my growing kids’ schedules. I share stories from all facets of my life.