Childhood worry seems to be rising as rapidly as COVID-19 cases. More and more children are acting fearful, having trouble sleeping, doing poorly in school, and showing physical symptoms. Does this sound like your child? What if you have you tried everything, but your child is still anxious? What if you already made the Worry Box as described in this article on Tinybeans.com and your child’s Worry Box is overflowing with worries? If so, I have the perfect strategy for you to try called, “Worry Time.”

Like the Worry Box, this technique is so simple and so effective that it should be in every parent’s toolbox. Both the Worry Box and Worry Time strategies are forms of containment or ways to contain worries in both physical space and time. Like the strategies in the book “Shrinking the Worry Monster,” they come from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), a highly regarded form of anxiety intervention. A fuller description of CBT and containment is in the above-mentioned Worry Box article.

Thinking versus Worrying

First, let’s look at the difference between thinking versus worrying. Thinking is a good thing. It can involve reflecting, reasoning, and problem-solving. It can lead to purposeful action which allows the mind to move on.

In contrast, worrying is problem solving gone amiss. What starts out as a concern, can turn into an unhealthy obsession of unresolvable problems. Most chronic worriers believe they cannot control their anxious thoughts. It is as if worriers are caught in a downward spiral where an anxious thought arises, the problem seems unsolvable, and then physical symptoms of anxiety take over. This pattern repeats over and over. It is so emotionally painful that people try anything to avoid the worry thoughts, but that usually doesn’t work. Just look at a picture of a purple cat and then tell yourself that you will not think about that cat for one minute. Chances are you will think about that cat the entire minute.

The good news is that anyone can learn to control how and when to worry. It takes using good, research-based strategies and practice. My favorite tools come from CBT and include talking back to the worry, containing the worry in a “Worry Box,” and using “Worry Time.” The last two strategies contain worries so they aren’t just running amok in the brain 24/7.

Steps for Scheduling Worry Time

The goal for Worry Time is not to stop worries, but to reduce the time spent on the anxious thoughts. The steps are a template for training your child to contain his worries within 15-20 minutes a day. Of course, it will take regular practice, but it is a very achievable goal.

Step 1: Schedule Worry Time

Set up a daily Worry Time where you will listen to your child talk about his worries for 15-20 minutes. Worry Time should be the same uninterrupted time everyday, but not 1-2 hours before bedtime. Late afternoon is often a good time.

Step 2: Explain Worry Time to Your Child

Tell your child that you and he are going to start having a special time together called Worry Time. It will happen from 4:00 to 4:20 (let’s say) and he gets to tell you everything about his worries. You will listen closely, but this is his time to talk. You may not say that any of his worries are silly, but instead you will mostly accept what he has to say. When Worry Time is over (maybe you set a timer), tell your child that you really appreciate all the concerns he has told you and you look forward to Worry Time tomorrow.

Step 3: Teach the One Rule

Teach him that there is only one rule with Worry Time. You will not listen to his worries when it is not Worry Time. You know this will be hard, but you will give him other things to do with his worries. His worries will become smaller because of Worry Time.

Step 4: What to Do When It Isn’t Worry Time

Discuss other ways to contain his worries. He can write them down and put them in the Worry Box, he can write or draw his worries in a notebook, or he can imagine putting them in a safe and locking them up. At the next Worry Time, he should pull out his Worry Box or his notebook and share everything that is in there.

Tell your child that he can also do something else when he is worried (distract). How about going outside, running the stairs, reading a book, or calling grandparents? You and your child can have fun writing down all the things he can do while he is waiting for the next Worry Time. He can also read the children’s book, Shrinking the Worry Monster, to learn ways to talk back to the worry on his own.

Most parents find this strategy seems hard at first, but their child’s worries often dissipate after time. After a few weeks, some kids actually have very few worries to report, but they want to continue their special time with their parents. If your child is very anxious, you might try scheduling Worry Time twice a day at the beginning. Of course, if your child is extremely anxious, please do talk to your health professional about getting outside help. You do not want your child’s anxiety to turn into a serious adult anxiety disorder.

Worry Time is a clever strategy that contains your child’s worries in time. When it is combined with a method to contain the worries in physical space like a Worry Box or a notebook, it is a very powerful anti-anxiety tool. And it is so easy that every parent may want to give it a try. This is such an anxious time for all of us, having anxiety-reducing tools in our parenting skill set seems imperative.

This post originally appeared on www.drsallyb.com

I am a child psychologist who specializes in children's anxiety. I just published a top seller children's book titled Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid's Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. I love sharing ideas about decreasing worry in children, especially now. I also love to hike and bike in beautiful Pacific NW. 

It’s every family’s worst nightmare but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a solution. For kids who have been bullied—or kids who are the aggressor—reading books that address the topic can be an effective teaching tool for learning to stand up for what is right and fostering compassion. From picture books for your little guys to books just for us parents, read on for 9 books we think every parent should own.

Picture Books

My Friend Maggie

Best Books about Bullying
Penguin/Random House

Two friends—Paula and Maggie—have been besties forever, until one day the mean girl Veronica starts criticizing Maggie. That’s when Paula starts to notice that Maggie is big and clumsy. And instead of sticking up for Maggie, Paula starts to play with Veronica instead. Lucky for Paula, Maggie stays true when Veronica goes sour on Paula, too. This is a sweet and beautifully illustrated story by Hannah E. Harrison, about friendship and changes and growing up—just a little bit.

Ages: 4-8

Buy it now, $14

Leave Me Alone

Best Books about Bullying
Barron's

The subtitle tells it all: A Tale of What Happens When You Stand Up to a Bully. The little boy in this story is sad because every day he must face a bully. This little boy also has friends including a frog, a cat, a rabbit and even a cow, and they want to help. But every day the little boy tells them, “There’s nothing you can do for me.” It turns out he’s wrong because the next time the boy encounters the bully, all of his friends join in and shout, “Leave him alone!” Author Kes Cray uses rhyme to tell this important story in a relatable way. Lee Widlish’s illustrations will help your kiddos really understand the lesson of the story, how to face a bully and how to help friends who are bullied.

Ages: 4-7

Buy it now, $9

 

Batty Betty

Best Books about Bullying
Amazon

Feeling “different” can be scary but what if we could teach kids that differences are their strengths and not weaknesses? Batty Betty author Kathryn Hast aims to do just that. When Abel, the tuba, discovers that Eve, the sad banana,  and Betty, a giant, are being bullied by Beavers, he sets out to defeat them. But it turns out, it’s not about winning, but about being okay with who you are. Illustrated by L.M. Phang.

Ages: 0-12

Buy it now, $18

Stop Picking On Me

Best Books about Bullying
Barron's

Written by Pat Thomas, an experienced psychotherapist and counselor, this is a straightforward book aimed at helping addressing bullying and feelings because “bullies only pick on people they know they can hurt.” This book includes a list of parental tips to help kids talk about their feelings and how to address the fears and concerns bullying can bring up, as well as ways to resolve it. Illustrated by Lesley Harker (This book is part of a series of books aimed at addressing common childhood fears and concerns. 

Ages: 5-6

Buy it now, $8 

 

The Infamous Ratsos

Best Books about Bullying
Amazon

A 2017 Theodor Seuss Geisel Honor Book, author Kara LaReau introduced readers last year to the Ratsos. Louie and Ralphie’s dad, Big Lou, teaches them there are two types of people: tough or soft. And his boys are tough, of course. But the Ratso brothers, even when they try to be tough, end up doing good deeds and kind acts instead. Find out how their dad deals with it. Illustrated by Matt Myer.

Ages: 5-8

Buy it now, $15 

Felix Stands Tall

best books about bullying
Candlewick Press

This story, part of Rosemary Well’s vast collection of children’s books, features Felix, a sweet-natured guinea pig who is best friends with Fiona, an extroverted gal who convinces Felix to sing and dance with their in the Guinea Pig Jubilee talent show. When someone starts to taunt Felix for dancing, he wants to curl up in a ball. But, with help from his friend Fiona, he finds the secret to standing up for himself.

Ages: 5-8

Buy it now, $6 

For Middle Grade

Ugly

best books about bullying
Penguin/Random House

This middle-grade memoir about overcoming bullying and thriving with disabilities shows us all that “ugly” is not always a bad thing. No one knows better than the book’s author, Robert Hoge, who was born with a tumor the size of a tennis ball in the middle of his face and short, twisted legs. Surgeons removed his tumor and made him a nose from one of his toes. He was called all kinds of names and dealt with bullying most of his life. Read his remarkable story together with your kids: it will change you life, too!

Ages: 8-12

Buy it now, $8

For Parents

Bullying No More: Understanding and Preventing Bullying

best books about bullying
Barron's

Dr. Kimberly L. Mason offers parents a whole arsenal of tips for how to handle this huge issue, including how to recognize signs of bullying, the different types of bullying, the three main roles kids play in bullying (the bully, the bullied, the bystander), myths and facts about bullying, and intervention and prevention strategies. She also will help you figure out your own parenting style and kid’s response style, to help find the most effective solution for you.

Buy it now, $8 

 

Bullying Solutions: Learn to Overcome from Real Case Studies

best books about bullying
Barron's

Co-authored by Dr. Michael Carpenter and Robin D'Antona, Ed. D., this book compiles 40 real-life examples of various types of bullying and how each one was confronted. It’s real life, so that means not all the outcomes were great, but it helps us as parents understand how our actions and those of other parents, school administrators, children and others involved, can affect change. You’ll get an overview of bullying, including definitions, aggressors and targets, a “toolbox” of facts and myths, and effective tips for intervention.

Buy it now, $6 

—Amber Guetebier

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As COVID-19 began to sweep the world in March of 2020, educators, policymakers and parents had to pivot to distance-learning models and reimagine what educational access would look like for millions of kids across the country. As we know now, it wasn’t without its downfalls. Parents often had to choose between their jobs and being home to supervise during school hours. The country saw learning disparities increasing at an alarming rate and noticed that special needs kids were being cut off from their support systems. And just about everyone experienced zoom fatigue. But, there’s good news! With schools re-opening everywhere, parents and educators can work together to close the learning gaps. There are plenty of strategies and resources for kids who’ve struggled during this past year, and we’re sharing seven of the most important ones. 

1. Have your child assessed

Image by F. Muhammad from Pixabay

The first step to solving any problem is being able to accurately define the scope and scale of the problem. If you know or suspect that your child has suffered learning losses during the pandemic, you should seek to have them assessed, particularly in English Language Arts and Math—the two areas where researchers have identified the greatest gaps. Testing is often executed annually or semi-annually through state agencies in public education systems, but teachers often have access to several other platforms that can assess literacy, comprehension and math skills. Many tutoring agencies also offer cost-free assessments to students. These educational assessments are usually more specific than what is generally available to parents for free online. Depending on what behaviors you have observed in your child, you may want to also consider psychological assessments to screen for depression or anxiety. You can speak to a physician about options. Thorough assessments will give you clarity on exactly where and how your child is struggling.

2. Develop a constructive narrative

Image by Myriams-Fotos from Pixabay

Once you understand the areas in which your student has fallen behind, you should develop a constructive narrative about the circumstances. Start with gratitude and focus first on the positive. Despite the range of educational outcomes, all children have exceeded expectations in terms of their adaptability. Acknowledge your children for their resilience and the autonomy they have displayed in the distance learning format. Reflect on the maturity they have shown during these unprecedented times. Let them know that the most important priority over the past year was the health and safety of your family and your community. Now that we are emerging from the pandemic, you are committed to supporting them in their educational process.

3. Take a triaged approach

Image by Wokandapix from Pixabay

Taking a “triaged approach” means that you assign different degrees of urgency to decide the order of treatment. The priority is to make sure that all students have sufficient learning conditions, starting with secure housing, food and mental and emotional support. These are the most important factors in their “readiness to learn.” Even though many schools are gradually returning to in-person instruction, technology is still going to be an important component of the learning process, and students will continue to need access to computers and stable Wi-Fi as they are trying to catch up. There are institutional resources for parents and educators, such as the iDEAL Institute, focused on digital equity. Once those foundational pieces are in place, you can work with the teacher to develop a learning plan that addresses the greatest areas of vulnerability for your child. For example, if the greatest learning deficits are in math, you can put the most time and energy into that subject first. As they start to make progress in their weakest areas, you can gradually layer additional plans for other subject areas.

4. Find an ELA Intervention

Image by Vlad Vasnetsov from Pixabay

Preliminary data has shown significant learning loss for kids in some states compared to previous years for Grades 4-9. Students who are socioeconomically disadvantaged and English language learners (ELLs) have experienced the greatest gaps in learning. If your student is struggling in reading, writing and comprehension, there are a range of options to intervene and help them get caught up. For example, there are great, affordable reading apps, such as Readability, that you can easily download to a phone or device that can assess and track student progress. Independent research has shown that conversational agents, such as the artificial intelligence in the Readability app or an Alexa or Google Home smart speaker, can simulate effective reading partners and promote language, comprehension and intelligibility. Seek out platforms and programs that are easy for your child to access on a daily basis that can measure student progress. Whether you are integrating technology or not, the key to improving in reading and language is consistency. 

5. Find a Math Intervention

Mathematics is a key area to seek out support for students who have fallen behind. Not only does the data show that “math frustration” is a significant barrier for young learners, but studies also show that many parents struggle with math anxiety when it comes to helping their kids. Fortunately, there are many well-vetted math tutoring options, such as Mathnasium, where students can get support online or in person. Many agencies are offering promotions and discounts to support students and families, but if the cost of a tutoring agency is still not feasible at this time, be resourceful. For example, you may be able to hire a math student from your local college who might have a little more flexibility in pricing.

6. Maintain consistent communication with instructors

Parent advocacy is extremely important during this time. Teachers, parents and other providers and mentors should maintain consistent communication. The adults and educators in the child’s life need to coordinate efforts to help the children catch up in areas they have suffered. Your engagement and involvement are key in a student-centered approach that focuses on strong trust and communication between family and school. Pre-schedule a few meetings with your child's teacher to check in. With the communication preset, it is not likely that anything will go under the radar.

7. Support your kids with encouraging accountability

No matter what plan you develop to help get your kids caught up, the most important factor is going to be consistency. You need to offer your kids support through discipline and incentives to keep them on track and motivated. Help them get organized with their schedule using time-blocking and prioritizing. Pick process-oriented goals over outcome-related goals. For example, focus on reading consistently for 30 minutes a day for 30 consecutive days rather than focusing on reaching a specific reading level. Help them set and track their progress towards their goals in a journal or on a calendar so that they can see their own improvement.

—Mimi Nartey

 

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Photo: Canva

There’s a difference between tattling and reporting. When kids understand the difference, they are more likely to report unsafe situations and real trouble.

Definitions: Snitching & Tattling vs. Reporting

Snitching or Tattling: Telling on someone to get that person in trouble.

Reporting: Telling a trusted adult to get help. Focused on keeping yourself and others safe.

The Difference Between Tattling & Reporting

In early elementary school, snitching or tattling is common as kids learn to navigate rules and social dynamics. In these situations, the “snitcher” is usually trying to get someone in trouble, control another, or avoid blame. Often, no one is in danger of being physically hurt, and the situation could be solved without adult intervention with some conflict resolution skills.

By middle school, snitching has become socially unacceptable. Because of this stigma, older students may be afraid to report real trouble. Fear of being seen as a snitch peaks just as dangerous and inappropriate behaviors (bullying, sexual harassment, and threats of violence) are on the rise.

When Kids Understand the Difference, Schools are Safer

When kids understand the difference between snitching and reporting it helps them feel safe to report. This requires regular discussions at home and at school about what types of situations need to be reported. It’s also important to have a safe, confidential way for students to share, like Safe2Tell.org. This service allows students, families, and community members to report concerns or threats anonymously.

In today’s world, all of us need to look out for each other. These efforts go a long way in helping our kids feel safe as well.

This post originally appeared on JessicaSpeer.com

Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences.    

 

teen with backpack alone

photo: Jesús Rodríguez via Unsplash

The month of April is notoriously known for bringing awareness to autism. I am a huge proponent of using this monthly platform to educate about the sad realities for autistic adults and the overwhelming need for autism acceptance and inclusion.

All parents have hopes and dreams for their children. My plans and expectations for Skyler’s life began before he was even born.

Would he be a star athlete, high achieving student always on the honor roll, musically inclined, or even better, an exceptional friend to everyone he meets.

Of course, I daydreamed about Skyler’s career path too. Perhaps he’d love the law like his mother and become an attorney. Maybe he’d find true joy being an engineer, doctor, contractor or salesman.

As his name reveals, and I’d always say, “Sky’s the limit for my boy.”

Six months into parenting, assuming I was nailing it like a pro, imagine the shock and confusion I felt hearing that my beautiful son had autism.

Immediately following the diagnosis, I received very limited information because “much is still unknown about the cause, treatment options, financial support available and future prognosis for those with ASD.”  Not to mention, each child with autism is completely unique, so each family will travel a different path along their journey.

As I was sent on my way with a few generic pamphlets and a bill for the office visit, I was forced to dramatically shift from everything I thought I knew about parenting and had to accept my new reality.

I thought, “He’s only three. If I remain steadfast on getting him into every therapy and early intervention I can find, surely, he will be afforded every chance to experience the same things as his peers when the time comes—employment, self-advocacy and independent living.”

I knew autism would impact the pace of his development but never did I give up on preparing Skyler for the incredible future that he deserved.

I always assumed I had plenty of time.

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, Skyler turns 18-years-old next week. Believe me, when I tell you, I’m still in complete disbelief. I’m not ready…I need more time.

I desperately try not to dwell on the harsh realities of life for a non-verbal, severely autistic adult. I always assumed that, by the time Skyler was an adult, things would have drastically improved.

Sadly, the old stigmas still exist.

It’s often assumed that upon turning the page from childhood to adulthood, all learning potential has stopped and therefore, the need for continued support, programs, funding and educational resources is a moot point.

Autism is not something a person outgrows nor is there a magic age where new skills and progress are no longer achievable.

Acceptance and coming to terms with an uncertain adult future for Skyler has remained the hardest concept for me to grasp and keeps me awake at night.

The fact is, not all autistic adults are alike. Some talk, some don’t. Some drive, some don’t. Some can advocate for themselves, others cannot.

As Skyler officially becomes an adult, I feel as though I’m back in that medical office receiving a second autism diagnosis—but this time, there’s not a single pamphlet on how to navigate adulthood within a system that’s broken. I’m frightened and angrier knowing that Skyler is now among the older autistic population that is forgotten about and disregarded.

According to the CDC, as of April 2020, an estimated 5.4 million adults in the United States have autism.

Sadly, the federal requirement for providing supportive services in adulthood does not exist! The avoidance and refusal to address this issue, at both state and federal levels, which affects a rapidly growing population of adults on the spectrum, is a travesty.

For families like mine, who support a loved one with autism, our daily fight advocating for services, resources and equality lasts for the entirety of our child’s life and likely beyond my own lifetime.

While I appreciate the demonstration of solidarity as the world “lights up blue” on Apr. 2nd for World Autism Awareness Day, I can’t help but think, what we truly need instead is acknowledgment that the opportunities for our adults on the spectrum to thrive in this country are lacking and we need action taken.

It’s critical that entire communities everywhere stand together and demand assistance, support and change for all autistics—not just for those under the age of 21.

The Autism Society of America recognizes that the prevalence of autism in the United States has risen from 1 in 125 children in 2010 to 1 in 59 in 2020!

Clearly, this rapid increase in newly diagnosed children also translates into a growing adult autistic population.

Therefore, the goal for Autism Acceptance Month should be twofold:

1. To further increase understanding and awareness about autism signs and symptoms.
2. Invest time, energy and funding toward creating community partnerships with businesses and organizations dedicated to building inclusive experiences for all age groups.

So, I encourage you to join me, not just for the month of April but year-round, to #CelebrateDifferences. Let’s use our voices to generate change.

I'm the mom to an 18 year old son with severe autism, a neurotypical teen daughter & have an incredibly supportive husband! I authored a memoir - Welcome to My Life: A Personal Parenting Journey Through Autism & host the podcast Living the Sky Life. Visit my website www.LaurieHellmann.com to learn more about me!

Recent research revealed a way to help children as young as 12-months deal with and possibly overcome behavior problems. The study, from the University of Cambridge, looked at the effectiveness of a six-session program on 300 families with young children.

The children in this study were divided into two groups—one group received routine healthcare support and the other participated in a combination of healthcare support and a targeted behavioral program. All of the young participants had already displayed early signs of behavioral problems.

Photo: Brett Sayles via Pexels

Researchers filmed the participants via an experimental program called the Video-Feedback Intervention to Promote Positive Parenting and Sensitive Discipline (VIPP-SD). Each 90-minute video taped session included everyday family situations, such as a meal or play-time. The child behavior pros then analyzed the clips and discussed successes and challenges with the parents. This gave the parents the chance to identify cues or signals from their children.

Five months after the start of the program, the researchers found the children who participated in the VIPP-SD sessions had lower behavioral problem scores than the children who only got routine healthcare.

Paul Ramchandani, Professor of Play in Education, Development and Learning at the University of Cambridge, said, “To provide this program in any health service would require investment, but it can realistically be delivered as part of routine care. Doing so would benefit a group of children who are at risk of going on to have problems with their education, behavior, future wellbeing and mental health.”

Ramchandani added, “There is a chance here to invest early and alleviate those difficulties now, potentially preventing problems in the longer term that are far worse.”

For more information, the full results of the research are published in JAMA Pediatrics.

—Erica Loop

 

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If Snapchat filters, Instagram followers, boomerang pics, the perfect photo, tweets, and Facebook ‘likes’ seem to consume your teen’s life, it is no surprise. Social media use is currently the most common activity enjoyed by children and teenagers. Over 75 percent of children own a cellular phone, and the majority use it to access social media platforms several times each day. With such a broad reach and widespread popularity among our youth, it’s important that parents understand that while mostly fun and games there can be negative consequences of excessive social media use. 

Does the following sound familiar?

Lately you’ve noticed that your child appears aloof, irritable, and withdrawn. He prefers to be left alone in his room spending time on Instagram and Snapchat. Though he is restricted from screen time after bedtime, he has had several nights of breaking this rule and staying up late to check his social media feeds. As his parent, you’ve established rules regarding social media use including having access to his social media platforms usernames and passwords. You’ve come to learn, that he has a fake Instagram (i.e. a “Finstagram”) account and has experienced bullying due to some recent posts.  

Or this?

Your teen has been unusually irritable. She’s having trouble sleeping and is spending more time alone. She’d rather sit in her room and swipe and post on her social media feeds than spend time with her family or even go out with friends. She appears overly concerned with her physical appearance and getting the “perfect look” for pictures. Once cheerful and self-assured, she has lately become self-doubting and withdrawn.

At first glance, we might think that behaviors and mood symptoms such as these can be chalked up to a teenage funk or a child hitting a rough patch. Another possible cause? Social media depression. Social media depression refers to a clinical depression that results from the intensity, pressure, and eventual isolation stemming from social media use. And unfortunately, it is becoming increasingly common among kids and teens.

Social media depression is not recognized as a formal diagnosis among health care professionals. Yet, there is a growing body of research that shows an association between social media use and clinical depression, especially among youth and young adults—thus the term “social media depression.”

How do you know if your youth is struggling with a clinical depression and this is more than a moody teenager? If you notice that your child has several of the following symptoms over a two week period or more, then you should be concerned about clinical depression: depressed mood (most of the day and nearly every day), changes in sleep pattern (sleeping too much or too little), loss of energy nearly every day, poor concentration, an inability to experience pleasure in activities that your child previously enjoyed, increased time alone and reduced time with friends, or even talk of death or suicide. 

Social media may be an underlying cause if your youth has an excessive amount of interest and time spent on YouTube, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook. Take heed if you notice the following behaviors and telling signs: spending considerable amounts of time on social media at the expense of real friendships and family time, a hyper-focus on physical appearance because of a posting the “perfect” picture, and excessive comparisons of themselves to friends.

If you suspect that your child is suffering from clinical depression, that’s your cue to take the next step. Get professional help—the sooner, the better.  We’ve seen that early intervention can make a great difference. 

Written by Dr. Carlin Barnes and Dr. Marketa Wills.

Through her vibrant picture books, illustrated by her brother Zeka Cintra,Isabel strives to introduce kids to a world where diversity is valuable and beautiful. Fantasy, representativeness and diversity are common themes in her editorial production. She currently resides in Stockholm, Sweden with her husband and daughters.

Have you ever purchased a very challenging jigsaw puzzle just for the sheer joy and feeling of accomplishment you’ll get once you’ve successfully assembled it? The larger the number of pieces the better right? 

As I stare at those 5,000 pieces dumped onto my countertop and begin sorting and flipping them over, it becomes overwhelming that each individual piece doesn’t tell me anything about the completed picture. 

Where do I start? Is the best method for success gathering the corner and edge pieces to form an outline or should I begin dead center and work my way out? It’s hard to comprehend how those thousands of random shapes will fit together to reveal something unique and beautiful—but it always does. 

The Autism Puzzle
To me, parenting a child on the autism spectrum resembles that same overwhelming feeling of uncertainty and chaos of scattered puzzle pieces everywhere—which is ironic because the puzzle piece is one of the internationally recognized symbols of autism. 

Not knowing where to begin when you can’t easily link together the ‘normal’ pieces of development because those milestones are delayed. You begin to question every intuition and gut feeling you have. 

Maybe I’m overreacting. 

I’ve gone through the ‘autism characteristics’ checklist and can’t confidently say that’s what I’m seeing.

Our pediatrician doesn’t seem concerned.

Traditionally, parents wait lengthy periods of time for a specialist to shed some light as to what is specifically wrong with their child. We waited over a year.

As our coveted appointment finally arrived, I was cautiously optimistic but ultimately ill-prepared for the matter of fact, uncaring tone by which the autism diagnosis was doled out. 

Like rapid-fire, I was told ‘severe autism’ and ushered out of the office with nothing more than a label, an infinite number of unanswered questions, and a grim prognosis for the future. 

I know children don’t come with instructions; however, autism families deserve a pamphlet at the very least as minimal preparation for the many challenges that come with raising a child on the spectrum. I would’ve done cartwheels had someone outlined some of the most impactful behavior calming tips, tricks for introducing new foods, or strategies to encourage communication! 

Forging Our Own Communication Path
It’s through observation, mimicking, and basic instinct that most children will learn to utter new words and phrases, yet my son lacks those innate capabilities. 

Since the well-paved path to a tried-and-true communication plan was (and still is) non-existent, I read every book, tried every therapy, and invested in each method of intervention available back in 2006 with the sole focus on finding my son’s voice.

Sadly, one medical ‘breakthrough’ after another, touting unrealistic promises and guarantees for success, exploited my desperation and left me emotionally and physically devastated.

Then one day it hit me hard. Is the only form of acceptable communication the spoken word? The answer is a hard NO!

He’s already worked extremely hard to be part of a world that makes no sense to him—one that often misunderstands and judges him unfairly, so why would I spend another minute trying to cram his perfectly created individual piece of society into a neurotypical puzzle that he doesn’t fit into? 

I need to meet him where he is and learn from his cues. My son was communicating with me with his hands and eyes and has been extremely patient while waiting for me to take notice.

Trust the Process
It has taken years, 16 to be exact, for me to fully appreciate the beauty and lessons found in the differences between my son and his neurotypical peers. 

While autism presents like a puzzle, my amazing and intriguing experience has come from learning to help my son assemble his unique pieces in a timeframe and process determined by him. I recognize that his puzzle may take longer to construct, but I will no longer force pieces together that just don’t fit. 

Only then can I fully see the masterpiece of him—what he thinks, believes, and enjoys. A unique puzzle unlike anyone else’s in the world.

Life Lessons from a Jigsaw Puzzle
Throughout our life, we are presented with daily opportunities to gather more pieces to contribute to our own individual puzzle. We have no idea how our experiences today are going to mold us and shape us to fit into our completed lifetime picture. 

Being autistic does not devalue or diminish my son’s contributions to this world.

We don’t all have to be the same—where we look, walk, talk, think and learn similarly. Of those 5,000 pieces scattered across my countertop, not one is identical but they work together to make the completed product that much more spectacular.

What an incredible feeling of satisfaction when the pieces perfectly slide together—just as they were meant to all along.

I'm the mom to an 18 year old son with severe autism, a neurotypical teen daughter & have an incredibly supportive husband! I authored a memoir - Welcome to My Life: A Personal Parenting Journey Through Autism & host the podcast Living the Sky Life. Visit my website www.LaurieHellmann.com to learn more about me!

Photo: Trista Heffner

There are so many things I want to tell you, but it’s so hard—I don’t even know where to begin.

Ever since I was little, I dreamed of becoming a Mom. In fact, until just before I graduated high school, the only job I ever had was babysitting. Caring for kids has always been a passion of mine. I prayed for you for so long. There was a long stretch of time that I didn’t think it was going to happen.

After what seemed like forever, by medical intervention and God’s grace, that beautiful pink line finally appeared. I know now that the long wait for your arrival was just the first of many lessons in patience for me. Being your Mom has taught me so much. You are extremely aware of the emotions around you. You remind me when I’m being too loud. You become anxious. You know when I’m feeling sad. You keep a very close eye on me. You know when I’m relaxed and genuinely happy. You never short the laughter. You’ve shown me the need to slow down. My favorite is when I’ve been so busy doing things and you just grab my hand and pull me away from whatever I’m doing and sit me on the couch. Most of the time that is as far as it goes. You just want me sitting next to you. You remind me in your own way to take a break. You amaze me every day with your resilience. Your dedication to keep trying until perfection. Many of our hard times are you becoming frustrated with something you are trying to do or working on but don’t have the answer yet. Like somehow you failed. The anxiety takes over. You get overwhelmed. It breaks my heart when it takes over and you don’t have the words to explain what’s going on or how I can help. A million things race through my head. What can I do for you? At the moment, nothing that comes to mind feels like enough.

So, I sit there with my arms wrapped around you holding you through the frustration, the tears, the flaps, and the kicks. Reminding you that you are doing a great job. To take deep breaths. I’m here to help, always. We’re in this together. They say “Actions speak louder than words”  and that couldn’t be more true.

You have taught me so much, to not forget to take a breath. To calm myself when something is getting the best of me. You might not have all of the words yet but you show me, day after day, that love needs no words. I am so proud of you. I am proud to be your Mom. I am proud to be your voice. I am proud to share your story. The real. The raw. The joy.

I am proud to raise awareness. Because awareness leads to understanding. Understanding leads to acceptance. That is my dream for you and all the other amazing kids out there. Acceptance. And for this world to be a little kinder. To see you through my eyes for the amazing, smart, sweet, and loving person that you are. I’m so glad God chose me to be your Mom.

This post originally appeared on Hurricane Heffners.

Trista is a mother of two, Allayna and David. David was diagnosed with moderate ASD. She is married to her husband Drew and they live in Wisconsin where she works full-time from home. She enjoys spending time with her family, large amounts of coffee and sharing her family's journey.

Photo: Caitlyn Viviano

Sometimes it’s hard to be sandwiched in between two siblings who both require a significant amount of time and attention in completely different ways.

The oldest, needing to be out the door at the crack of dawn in order to get to school on time. Then after school, it’s spelling words, reading intervention, and dance. Her sweet and sassy self is always keeping us on our toes. While the baby requires so much of me, from pumping around the clock, scrubbing bottles, physical therapy appointments, and endless laundry. He is happiest when being held and generally hates to be put down even if just for a few short minutes.

But you, my sweet middle child, enjoy the simple things in life and require so little to be truly happy.

Thank you for running into my room with a big smile, hands full of dinosaurs, asking me to play with you, because the chores can wait.

Thank you for eating anything and everything I put on your plate even if it’s green and looks like a tree.

Thank you for loving our outings to the grocery store just as much as our outings to the toy store.

Thank you for picking me beautiful flowers and weeds on every walk we take.

Thank you for telling me I’m “the best cooker ever” when I make you boxed mac n cheese.

Thank you for never throwing a tantrum when your sister gets to go somewhere and you have to stay home with me.

Thank you for accompanying me to every doctor’s appointment for your siblings and never complaining about all the waiting.

Thank you for drawing me unique works of art and presenting them to me with such pride, even if you do call them “scribble scrabble.”

Thank you for entertaining yourself with toy cars and action figures while I pump and feed your brother.

Thank you for loving me as you do, even on the hard days, and telling me I’m beautiful, even if I haven’t showered in a few days.

Thank you for giving the best hugs at the perfect time, and for making me feel whole again.

One day, in the not so distant future, you will be in school all day and the house will be eerily quiet. No loud games of Ninja Turtles where we run around the house together with cardboard swords pretending to fight off “bad guys.”

No more afternoons playing in the dirt in the backyard and looking for bugs that you will convince me to let you bring inside. No more lazy days snuggled on the couch watching your favorite cartoons and eating way too many cookies. No more late afternoons reading truck books followed by long naps. You will have an exciting life outside the house and won’t need me as much. So for now I will soak up every minute, every day with you, my loving and perfect middle child. You, my son, are something special and our family is better off because of you! 

Caitlyn is a military spouse and mom to three children and one fur baby. She was an elementary school counselor before becoming a stay at home who enjoys coffee, hiking, and playing in the dirt with her kids.