Did you know that Frederick Douglass was nominated to be Vice President of the United States? Educate the kiddos (and re-educate yourself) on this founding father whose outstanding contributions to society broke ground, broke color barriers, and changed the course of history. Here are facts about Frederick Douglass you might not know. To continue the conversation with your kids, check out 25 Black history figures kids should know

Frederick Douglas is an important Black history figure kids need to learn about
Wikimedia Commons

1. He chose the last name Douglass from a poem.
Frederick Douglass was born Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey. He was born into slavery in Maryland in 1818. Although both of his parents were enslaved people, Frederick never really knew his mother as she worked on a different plantation, and he never met his father. Later, when Frederick married, he chose the last name Douglass after the hero clan in Sir Walter Scott's famous poem, Lady of the Lake

Tip: For younger kids who don't know the history of slavery in the United States, have a conversation with them on a level they will understand. We recommend reading a few (or all) of these books that encourage open discussion about racial injustice and inequality.

2. He taught himself to read and write.
A widely known fact about Frederick Douglass is that although he did not attend school (Black children were not allowed), he understood the power and value of literacy. And so, he taught himself to read and write at a young age.

3. He disguised himself as a sailor to escape slavery.
Young Frederick read avidly and educated himself on the rights of every person to be free. After several unsuccessful attempts to escape slavery, he finally managed to, thanks to a free Black woman named Anne Murray. She helped him pay for a train ticket north. Disguised as a sailor, he escaped on Sep. 3, 1838. He was 20 years old.

4. He picked his birthday.
Here's a fact about Frederick Douglass you might not know: After he was freed from slavery, Douglass chose February 14th as his birthday.

5. He married the woman who helped him escape.
Not long after his successful escape, Frederick married Anne Murray, and they took the last name, Douglass. They moved to New Bedford, Massachusetts, and together had five children.

6. Douglass was an abolitionist.
An abolitionist is a person who wants to get rid of (abolish) a practice or institution. Specifically, the abolitionist movement sought to be rid of slavery.

7. Despite the risk of recapture, he was an active speaker and employed by the Massachusetts Anti-Slavery Society. He traveled throughout the northern and midwestern states, speaking on behalf of the anti-slavery movement. Once, he had to travel to Ireland and England to avoid being recaptured. But he never stopped speaking out.

8. He was a prolific author.
Frederick Douglass was an excellent writer and wrote several works during his lifetime, including three autobiographies: The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave (1845), My Bondage and My Freedom (1855) and The Life and Times of Frederick Douglass (1881). These are still considered today to be of unparalleled value to the historical narrative of our country.

9. He was also a publisher and an editor.
In addition to being a speaker and author of books, he published a paper for more than 16 years. He owned his own printing press and started the publication of The North Star. (Remember, he taught himself to read and write!!)

10. He fought for women’s rights and desegregation in the North.
While there was no active slavery in the northern states, segregation was rampant, and African Americans were still considered second-class citizens. Douglass challenged this in his speeches and his publications.

An interesting fact about Frederick Douglass is that his second wife was white.
Wikimedia Commons

11. His second marriage broke ground, too.
Sadly, Douglass’ beloved wife Anna died in 1881 of a stroke. Several years later, Douglass remarried activist Helen Pitts. Helen was white, and their interracial marriage was widely criticized. Undeterred, Douglass and Helen continued traveling and advocating on behalf of equality and justice everywhere. He died of a heart attack in 1895 at the age of 77.

12. He met with President Abraham Lincoln.
During the Civil War—which erupted in 1861 over the issue of slavery— black soldiers were given lesser pay and non-equal treatment. Douglass met with Lincoln to advocate on behalf of the soldiers. Douglass had two sons who served in the Army, and he actively recruited African Americans to fight in the Civil War. Douglass, along with many others, spoke out for equal citizenship and the emancipation (freeing) of all slaves. After the war, Douglass fought for the 13th Amendment (which abolished slavery), the 14th Amendment (which granted citizenship to those born in the United States as enslaved persons), and the 15th Amendment (giving voting rights to men of all color—women would not gain the right to vote until the 19th Amendment in 1920).

13. There are plaques in his honor in Ireland and England.
In 2012 the Imperial Hotel in Cork, Ireland, has a plaque commemorating Douglass’ visit. The Waterford City Hall (in Waterford, Ireland), where Douglass once gave a speech has a plaque. And in South Kensington, London, you can visit the Nell Gwynn House, where Douglass stayed during his visit.

14. In 1965, Douglass was honored on a USPS stamp.
The stamp was designed during the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s by Walter DuBois Richards and was based on a photograph provided by Douglass' family.

15. Washington Douglass Commonwealth?
Although Washington D.C. is part of the United States, it is not considered a state. In November 2016, voters passed a measure that would petition for statehood. The new state would be known as the State of Washington D.C., but D.C. will no longer stand for the District of Columbia. It will stand for Douglass Commonwealth (named after Frederick Douglass).

16. He never gave up.
Douglass worked tirelessly for justice. He served council in many prestigious positions, including legislative council member of the D.C. Territorial Government, President of Freedman’s Bank, Recorder of Deeds for D.C., Minister Resident, and Consul General to Haiti.

17. He worked for five different U.S. Presidents.
Starting with President Rutherford B. Hayes in 1877, he then worked for Presidents Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, and Harrison as the U.S. Marshal for D.C.

18. He was once nominated for Vice President.
In 1872, he found himself on the ballot with Victoria Woodhull, who picked him as her Vice Presidential running mate for the Equal Rights Party—without his knowledge. He never acknowledged he was even chosen to run, likely because he had already backed another presidential candidate.

19. There are over 160 different portraits of him.
Another interesting fact about Frederick Douglass was that he was the most photographed man of the 19th century. He called photography a "democratic act" and gave away his pictures at lectures he held to normalize seeing Black people as humans rather than possessions.

7 Ways to Honor Douglass' Legacy Today

J Dean via Unsplash

1. Identify injustice. Ask your kids to find an issue they feel is unjust or an instance where someone has been treated unfairly. Talk about how it makes them feel and what they can do to change it.

2. Write a speech. Have the kiddos write or recite a few words advocating their point of view on an issue they feel strongly about.

3. Read to them. Douglass knew his key to freedom was education. Spend some time reading and writing with the kids. Here’s our current list of Black History books for kids; a great place to start. 

4. Talk with Douglass. Ask your kids to imagine they can ask Frederick Douglass a question. What would it be? What do they think the answer would be?

5. Draw Douglass. There are several excellent photos you can find of Douglass online. Look at the ones in this post or draw a scene of Douglass giving a speech.

6. Find an Example. Is there a modern-day Frederick Douglass your kids can identify with? Talk about the qualities that make someone a fearless leader and activist.

7. Visit Living History. Rochester, NY, was home to Douglass from 1847 to 1842. This is where he published his newspapers and where you will find his grave (in the same cemetery as Susan B. Anthony). Click here to learn more about finding Frederick Douglass in Rochester. You can also visit the Frederick Douglass National Historic Site in Washington, D.C. 

 

When peer conflicts erupt at school, many parents struggle with how to respond and wonder what they can do to help. For some kids, school anxiety isn’t just about being away from home and learning new routines. Social anxiety in children is often about their relationships with their peers. How can we help our kids resolve conflicts that happen when we’re not around? It turns out there are many things parents can do at home to help their kids resolve peer conflicts at school:

1. Take a Proactive Approach
Create a culture of connection at home and make check-ins a regular part of your day, even before a problem arises. We like this approach because it assures the lines of communication between parents and children will be open and ready. If we’re regularly asking our kids about their day, their activities and their friendships, they’ll be more likely to share when conflicts arise with their peers.

2. Ask Specific Questions
When we ask our kids vague questions like “How was your day?” it’s the equivalent of “What did you have for lunch two weeks ago on Wednesday?” If someone asked us that question, we’d probably say, “I don’t know!” And that is often why they do, too. Most kids have a much easier time answering specific questions, like “Who did you play with at recess?” With specific questions, you’ll get more information, which will make it easier to connect.

3. Respond with Curiosity 
Although we may feel inclined to jump right to solutions, we believe curiosity is one of the best ways to respond when our kids indicate they’re having conflict with a peer. Phrases like “Tell me more about that,” and “How did you feel when that happened?” let our kids know we want to understand before trying to fix. 

4. Zone In on the Core Issue
Look for the pattern in any peer conflicts that arise at school and try to name the core issue underlying the discord. Setting boundaries with kindness, asking for help, sharing activities and friends, and increasing distress tolerance are a few of the most common core issues that show up in peer conflicts.

5. Help Them Develop New Skills
Once you know what the core issue is, you can help them develop the skills to better navigate the conflict. If your child is continually feeling upset because she wants her friend to go down the slide with her, but another friend wants them to play hopscotch, you can help her learn the skills of sharing, turn-taking and emotion regulation. You can teach her thoughts, phrases and behaviors at home and even role play scenarios to help her practice.

6. Reach Out
If your child is experiencing social anxiety or conflict at school and you’re having trouble figuring out how to help them work through it, reach out to school counselors and teachers for help. If any concerns come up regarding discrimination, alerting the teacher is an important step in helping children get the support they need. We believe these conversations are another great place to practice curiosity! Counselors, teachers and administrators can help you find out more about what is happening and collaboratively craft an approach to help resolve the issue.

We like to view peer conflict as an opportunity to teach our children a skill they haven’t learned yet. Whether it’s about sharing, soothing their anxiety, speaking up for themselves or handling disappointment, conflicts with their peers provide prime opportunities for our children to learn strategies that will serve them well beyond the playground. For additional tools and resources, check out the Slumberkins Conflict Resolution Collection with Hammerhead

 

This post originally appeared on www.slumberkins.com.
Kelly Oriard & Callie Christensen
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen are co-founders of Slumberkins, a children's brand supporting social-emotional learning for children. Kelly has a dual master's degree in family therapy and school counseling, and Callie has a master's degree in teaching. Both are passionate about teaching children social-emotional skills to thrive in our modern world. 

It started simply enough: my friend and I decided to start walking to get in shape. This goal was a vague one; we weren’t fitness gurus or anything, just two moms who wanted to move and get some fresh air in the process.

We mentioned our plan to a third mom friend, and our walking club was born. We later recruited a fourth neighbor, who also became a good friend, for our morning stroll.

We kept this up for an entire school year (since we could only do this while all seven of our kids were at school) and discovered, as a group, some amazing benefits to walking, five (yes, five!) miles every single day, in addition to fitness:

1. Walking Made Talking Even Easier for Us
When we get together, we usually don’t have much trouble with the gabfest. But somehow, walking through our tree-lined neighborhood increased our talkativeness. We covered every kind of topic you can imagine, and then some. Some days we were holding our sides while one of us shared an anecdote from childhood; another day, it was consoling a friend who might be going through a medical issue; other times, it would be fluffy celebrity gossip, a cool YouTube video we just had to check out, or even some taboo subject, that really didn’t seem like a big deal to discuss while out walking.

2. I Got to Know My Friends So Much Better Than before
Speaking of taboo subjects, I had no idea how far we would all get into certain topics. On the surface, or on playdates, it was always easier and more natural to see each other as moms, and not much else. Once we had each others’ undivided attention, we were able to have some pretty crazy, no-holds-barred convos, which really gave us a window into each others’ minds and lives.

3. We Felt Inspired to Be Better Versions of Ourselves after Each Session
After working out, we felt energized to continue our day. By extension, we ate cleaner, drank more water, and thought more positively after each walk. It was a great way to propel us through all of the tasks which lay before us once we got home.

4. We Didn’t Notice the Miles Flying past Us
When we started walking, one to two miles per session was a big deal. Pretty soon, that didn’t feel like enough, and we would keep going. Oftentimes, one of us was telling a story or sharing something personal, and we would just keep on walking just to hear the rest of the conversation. One time, we even walked seven miles, before we realized it was time to head home!

5. And…We Increased Our Stamina
Well, of course we did. You didn’t think we were going to walk five miles a day, and not improve our fitness at all, did you? (Kidding.) Not only did our bodies become stronger, but our minds and spirits did as well. (Sorry, I had to!)

This post originally appeared on The Haute Mommy Handbook.

Jen Kathrina-Anne is a blogger, freelance writer, and graphic designer. When she’s not writing or designing, she enjoys spending time outdoors in the California Bay Area where she resides with her husband and two fearless daughters. Find her at www.hautemommyhandbook.com.

 

IKEA’s redesigned classic blue FRAKTA tote is back! In honor of Pride Month, you can shop the limited edition STORSTOMMA Bag in two sizes. 

The large bag ($2.99) is perfect for your IKEA shopping trips, while the smaller version ($.99) is great for everyday use. Even better, IKEA is donating 30% of all sales of the bags (and ENEBY rainbow speaker covers) to GLSEN, Inc., which works to ensure K-12 students have a safe place to learn, free from bullying and harassment. 

Rainbow tote

Donations will come from all sales from Jun. 1 through 30, 2021, up to $50,000.

“LGBTQ+ inclusion is an issue very close to our hearts and we want people of all sexual orientations and gender identities to feel at home – not just at IKEA, but everywhere,” said Samantha Giusti, Chief of Staff & LGBTQ+ Co-Worker Resource Group Co-Chair, IKEA Retail U.S.

Rainbow tote

Don’t wait to grab your STORSTOMMA bags, they’re limited edition! You can find them at your local IKEA or at IKEA.com.

—Karly Wood

All photos: Courtesy of IKEA

 

RELATED STORIES

Target’s New Pride Collection Is Bigger & Better Than Ever

5 Trivia Questions for Pride Month

Rainbow Gear, Toys & Snacks That Celebrate Pride 2021

 

There are ordinary dolls—then there are keepsake dolls. Piccolina, a brand dedicated to empowering today’s young children to become tomorrow’s leaders, has launched a new collection, Trailblazer Dolls. They celebrate heroic women in history, including Amelia Earhart, Marie Curie and Rosa Parks and they’re an heirloom quality edition to any playroom.

Each doll is 16″ tall and comes with removable clothing and accessories, as well as a matching drawstring bag. Jennifer Long, an artisan doll maker, designed and handmade each creation, and each designs is based off of the illustrations from various artists for the Trailblazer collection. And there won’t be any shortage of imaginative play, since each doll has an incredible, true backstory!

Piccolina is making the collection available in limited runs, so you may want to act fast to grab your child’s favorite historical character. The launch riffs off the company’s popular Trailblazer t-shirts, which feature colorful illustrations of real-life, inspirational women. There’s even matching mommy and me attire so you can get in on the fun!

At $98, the dolls are the perfect special gift for a birthday, Christmas or big milestone. The only issue might be choosing which one to buy!

––Sarah Shebek

Image courtesy of Piccolina

RELATED STORIES

These RBG Jammies Are the Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

Parents wear many hats and it can be difficult to make sure we’re raising our kids with all the necessary life skills. A new survey from the National Financial Educators Council (NFEC) is shedding light on a very specific life lesson that is key to raising independent adults: financial literacy.

Using over 1,000 respondents, the survey asked the question “Which parent taught you the most about money and personal finance?” The overwhelming answer? “Neither.”

photo: Pexels

While respondents did say that their mother was more likely to teach financial literacy than their father (23.7 percent over 22.6 percent), it’s clear that the majority has grown up with little to no instruction on finances.

The study grouped respondents into age groups that included 18-24, 25-34, 35-44, 45-54, 55-64, and 65+ years old. Interestingly, the two youngest groups, 18-24 and 25-34, reported “Neither” more than all other age groups making this issue a relevant topic for today’s parents.

“It’s essential for parents to make a conscious and consistent effort to discuss finances, model good financial decision-making, and provide opportunities for kids to practice earning, budgeting, saving, and spending, especially while they still have the safety net of living at home and receiving family support,” says Vince Shorb, NFEC CEO.

So how can you make sure your kiddos are prepared financially as they become adults? One of the main goals of the NFEC is to encourage and provide tools for parents to teach financial literacy skills to their children from an early age. You can head to their website for tons of info.

You can view the full survey results here.

––Karly Wood

 

RELATED STORIES

Is America Returning to Normal? The Proof Is in the Pudding

These States Are the Best (And Worst) For Working Moms

Survey Says: Mother’s Day Is More Important Than Ever Before                                                                           

Editor’s Note: Here at Red Tricycle, we respect and celebrate every mom’s feeding journey. Bottle? Boob? It doesn’t matter—we believe fed is best. Our Spoke Contributor Network is inclusive and open to all parenting journeys—yours, too!

This really is quite a big question and one that does divide those that work with people who breastfeed. Should we do an assessment before or after the baby is born? Once they’ve got an issue or beforehand to prepare them? Personally, I think it’s best to be prepared as new motherhood can be such an overwhelming time so let’s minimize some of that worry but there are others who feel that breastfeeding support should be given as needed.

Before the Baby Is Here

If you wonder/worry about any of the following:

  • PCOS: Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome can result in lowered milk production so you can struggle to begin with.  The good news is that your milk supply will increase the more babies you have but it’s still worth getting information on how to manage.
  • Previous breast surgery: Whether it’s due to a medical issue or cosmetic surgery, medical interventions can result in damage to the delicate tissues contained within so again it’s good to get some resources ready so you can spot any potential issues.
  • IVF: Now it all depends on why you had it and to be honest there isn’t a whole heap of research on this but it is believed that it can cause issues with breastfeeding for some—so again be prepared!
  • If you’re worried you just can’t: Now a lot of babies (the vast majority in all honesty!) will latch with no issues and minimal intervention but again it’s worth having a chat with a professional who can give you lots of little tips to avoid you stressing when you don’t need to. C-section, induction, vaginal birth, medication in labor can all have an impact. Flat nipples, small nipples. inverted, big, uneven nipple size, big breasts, small breasts, one side bigger than the other—we’ve seen them all (it’s our job!) and we are trained to advise you on how to feed your baby.
  • Do you need all that stuff that comes with breastfeeding? Do you really need a pump? Manual, electric, silicone, one you wear, a double or single—which one will work best for you? A pillow? Shields or shells? Isn’t a Hakka something they do in New Zealand? Confused as you just thought you needed your boobs and a baby? Then ask a breastfeeding counselor!

After the Baby Is Here 

If you have any of the following:

  • Pain: Honestly I cannot stress enough—pain in breastfeeding indicates a problem and needs to be addressed. You should not suffer when you feed your child. It doesn’t matter where that pain is in your breast or nipple or stomach or neck and shoulders, having discomfort indicates an issue somewhere. If your emotions are being impacted by your feeding choices/routine that is considered pain as well—ask for help.
  • Questions: So you’ve had the baby and received brilliant help from the breastfeeding counselor in the hospital however you still have lots of questions and she has lots of other patients to see. A one-on-one session with a breastfeeding counselor will give you the time to fire away all those little ‘does this look right to you?’ worries.
  • If you are worried about supply: Not producing much when you pump? Does the baby seem to feed a lot? Breasts suddenly don’t seem as full? Will one bottle of formula a day make a difference? All of these are questions that breastfeeding counselors are trained to answer and can reassure you as we are trained to get to know you first before making any comments.
  • If you have concerns: How often should your baby poo? How will you know that they are full? How will you know that they are hungry? How will you know if they’re full? Feed on demand or to a schedule? Should their poo look like that? Why do they want to eat all the time? Your sister says that [….] shouldn’t happen—is she right? Are you going to spoil your baby by doing too much skin-to-skin? You know what I’m going to say about this don’t you?
  • If you want to stop: It is believed that our ancestors may have breastfed their young until the age of 7. The natural age of weaning is thought to be between 2 and 4 years of age. Now there are a whole host of reasons why we want to stop breastfeeding and seeing a breastfeeding counselor can make sure that you are doing it in a safe way as sudden cessation could result in mastitis, engorgement, and other complications for you.

But does seeing a breastfeeding counselor actually make any difference? In a study in 2019, participants in a breastfeeding support program were “on average 66% less risk of cessation of any breastfeeding and on average 54% less risk of cessation of exclusive breastfeeding at any point in time.” A significant decrease in women still breastfeeding after ten days postpartum was noticed if they did not receive support is shown in a study from 2015.

The facts are that getting breastfeeding support doesn’t mean you’ve failed or you’re not doing it right—it just means that you want to do it well or better. You shouldn’t be judged for asking a question (believe me I’ve been on the receiving end of judgmental breastfeeding support and that was one of the main reasons my oldest was formula fed!) Seeing someone trained in breastfeeding means you will get support and understanding, from a person who can acknowledge how important, frustrating and wonderful this journey is.

This post originally appeared on Bahbabelle.net.

I'm certified as a doula, breastfeeding counselor and Lamaze childbirth educator.  I'm British, living in Bahrain in the Middle East for the last 14 years. I have three daughters and I just want to show them that it doesn't matter your age, dreams can be followed. 

In a year of many ups and downs—both for my family and so many others around the world—I have learned to answer the question “How are you?” very honestly. Why waste time with the niceties of replying with the default answer of “I’m good” when I may not be feeling that good inside? My preference is to be open and honest when I am asked “How are you?” because what I have discovered is that the people in my life who truly care about me will want to hear my real answer, which is “I’m okay.” Yes, just okay. From my perspective, this pandemic seems to have brought out both the worst and the best in people. You learn who unconditionally has your back and whose love was perhaps only conditional. 

My family has been on high alert since the pandemic began over a year ago, and with good reason. I’ve always had the ability to work from home, as my job as a Marketing Communications Manager for a global dairy company allowed for it. My challenge is that I am diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease, an autoimmune disorder that puts me in the at-risk part of the population. My husband, Brent, works outside of the home as a contractor, so he’s needed to be extra cautious during the past year. 

We have two amazing children, Noah and Amelia (Mia). Noah recently graduated from eighth grade without all the fanfare and celebration that typically comes with such an event. To start high school, he opted to stay home because there had been COVID cases at his school and he didn’t want to put his family at risk. Noah is also a competitive swimmer at the club and high school levels. Thank god he has an outlet to keep him active, grounded, and safely social. The other swim moms and I have made every effort to keep the kids connected and in the pool as much as possible over the last year; we help each other in the process. 

Amelia is our angel with special needs. When she was three weeks old, she suffered a massive seizure that led to acute ischemic stroke. The doctors discovered that she has a complex vein of Galen malformation, quadriplegic cerebral palsy, and acute complex brain injury, which means a high level of care is needed in case of seizures. Amelia is nine years old now and needs constant attention and care. She is non-verbal and on a specialized diet. She’s e-learning for a few hours a day with the help of a nanny that works with her three days a week while I handle the other two. A few months ago, she started randomly vomiting and her doctors haven’t been able to figure out the cause of the issue. She’s been in and out of the hospital with my husband by her side for the most part. It’s scary, and I just want my husband and daughter home for the long term.

Needless to say, the past year has been both mentally and emotionally challenging for me, and I look for ways to maintain grace and balance each day. My workouts on the Peloton have been an outlet where I can find a release and ugly-cry if the mood strikes. I’ve taken care of my physical self, however, my emotional self might need some work still. Yet, I’m learning that perhaps I have more strength and resilience in me than I thought I did. 

What’s been perhaps the most joyous and heart-breaking symptom of our situation is that it’s enabled me to clearly see who matters most in my space—who my true friends are. It’s been both eye-opening and cathartic. There have been moments when you need someone and they aren’t there. I acknowledge that everyone is going through different levels of crisis—and my family has to be extremely careful 24/7—but it’s difficult to watch friendships that I thought were so strong suddenly disappear. It’s nothing that I did, and I have no idea what they are going through, but there’s a feeling of loss and grief as a result of this. Even in the midst of all this, we still have so much to be grateful for. We’re still here, we are together, and we are taking the necessary precautions for our family. 

Peeking through the clouds of lost friendships are some new ones. Strong communities of people have emerged in my life. I have bonded with some incredibly supportive people from the Peloton community and I’ve never even met them in person. Some of those folks also have children with special needs, and it’s that kind of supportive community that I never knew I needed. My very best friends whom I have known since grade school are my constants and I am beyond grateful for these women. The moms from my son’s swim team have become a second family to me, as we all try to support our children during this time. I can still see family members and my best friends over Facetime or Zoom, and I’ve even reconnected with people during all of this. I now have these unique and caring support networks that keep me going, but there is still a sense of loss in all of it. 

But it’s not just us—everyone is going through their own personal journey during this time. It’s a global issue. I’ve learned that I have a voice and I’m learning how to use it, too. Writing and speaking are helping me build confidence while also being vulnerable. I’ve learned to answer the “How are you?” question honestly, and I’ve found it helps me relate to other people and build connections with them. People who make the effort during this time are people who truly have your back. As I’ve learned through this challenging time, the one thing that truly is what perspective you have and how you choose to use it.

Megan Malagoli Patterson
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

My husband Brent and I have two children - Noah and Amelia, also known as “Miracle Mia”. I can often be found reading a book, running, or sweating it out at my local OrangeTheory. I also enjoy traveling and have a deep passion for raising funds and volunteering.

As a new mom, it can be flattering when your children only want you. No matter if it’s a scratched knee, a bedtime story, or that special way you put on their socks, kids gravitate toward Mom. It can make you feel loved, needed, and (after a while) like you can’t be away for more than a moment. Actually, not even a moment. They find you fast.

Children don’t mean to insult your partner by refusing assistance, and they don’t consciously intend to monopolize all your time. (Even though they often do both.) They simply seek comfort. At all times. And they are used to you.

 

What’s the best way to share parenting responsibilities?

There may not be an official best way that applies to all situations. There may be places where you want to be the go-to parent, and others you want to share. Even though your partner might already want to share in the duties, you might find you need to be the one to initiate communication. Often dads aren’t even aware of a problem unless we communicate our needs.

If you’re like most moms, the bulk of child interaction defaults to you. Plus, we sometimes overlook our need for space and time to ourselves. If we do recognize the need, we either feel guilty or dread the logistical challenges involved. (If you think, “What would I do anyway?” It’s is a clear sign that you need time to connect with yourself.) Remember, you are a better parent when you have time to recharge your own battery. If you’re in a spot where you want your partner to share the love AND have your kids running to both of you, try these three steps.

 

Step One: Communicate Your Needs

The first step is shining light on the issue. There’s a chance your spouse doesn’t even realize that you’re not in maternal bliss with your kids hanging on you 24/7. After all, that’s what moms do, right? You might need to let him know that you want a more balanced distribution of hang time (so to speak). Approach this conversation by recognizing the benefit of both parents and different parenting styles (even though hopefully you’ve discussed and decided on your overall parenting approach already). When you frame the conversation in terms of a win-win for everyone, especially the kids, you might get even more buy-in. Even if the issue deals more with your child’s behavior, having a conversation with your partner is always the place to start.

 

Step Two: Create Bonding Moments

No matter how upset your children get when you’re away, encourage your partner to develop his own way of playing and dealing with tough situations. Hopefully, there are already games and things that your partner and kids do together. You want them to be comfortable with each other when there’s not a crisis. That’s the place to start. Then, practice with the ‘crisis’ moments. If your child bursts into tears when you leave the room, have your partner come up with a game, story, or distraction to lessen that reaction and develop a stronger relationship. If you are the eternal boo-boo fixer, then let your husband craft his signature way of dealing with scraps and bruises. (And this could mean giving him the first aid kit and saying you really need to go to the bathroom, like, right now. Whatever works.)  Creating time when your kids play with your partner (especially if it doesn’t happen automatically) helps them develop a stronger relationship that will continue to grow as everyone matures. Sometimes you might be able to be home for these shenanigans, and sometimes you may need to physically remove yourself from their space.

 

Step Three: Remove Thyself

If you are always available, then your children will always want you. It’s good for you and your children to have some time away from each other. This cannot be overstated: It is good for you AND your kids to have time away from each other. Set a regular ‘mom’s out of the house’ time where your partner takes over. It doesn’t matter what you do with this time, but make sure you honor it. Keep to the schedule to give them time to grow and work out their own system. It’s ok for it to be awkward, for the kids to cry, and for your husband to find his own way of parenting without texting you constantly. That’s necessary for everyone’s comfort level. Note: Be wary of controlling what happens when your partner takes over. The benefit of different parenting styles is accurate, and even though it won’t be like you do it – whatever “it” is – everyone will be happier and healthier. And if the house is destroyed when you come home (thus, feeling like more work for you), revisit Step One and continue the conversation.

These three simple steps have endless variations and may need to be revisited as your relationships develop, your children mature, and your needs evolve. Don’t be afraid to have awkward conversations, speak up for what you need, and persist through any uncomfortable behavior from your child, spouse, or yourself. Changing up the expected dynamic is bound to push buttons and bring up emotion. Rest assured that when you can be away without crisis, you’ll be happier and your family will thrive no matter who’s got the snacks.

 

Cara Maclean, Wellness Coach & Writer, works with moms to undo what keeps them exhausted. We cultivate the calm, joyful energy needed to handle any challenge with humor and grace. Author of Just the Way It Is: A Look at Gifted/2e Families, Spring 2022, GHF Press. Learn more at CaraMaclean.com