Make sure your kiddos know that Martin Luther King Jr. Day is about more than a day off of school

Your little dreamers naturally understand the power and importance of having hopes and wishes, so learning facts about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his “I Have a Dream” speech is a tactile way to help kids understand the significance of who MLK Jr. was. Help the kids learn more about this chief spokesman for nonviolent activism, civil rights, and the end of racial segregation.

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1. Martin Luther King Jr. was born on Jan. 15, 1929. His birth name was Michael but was changed to Martin by his father (who also changed his name) in 1934 (after Martin Luther, the leader of the Protestant Reformation in the 1500s).

2. At 14 he won a contest with a speech about civil rights. 

3. He started college when he was just 15.

4. He worked for a newspaper as one of his first jobs.

5. Stevie Wonder wrote his song "Happy Birthday" to help build on the campaign to make Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday a national holiday. He asks a simple question throughout the song, “Why has there never been a holiday where peace is celebrated throughout the world? The time is overdue.” 

6. According to the King Center, Martin Luther King, Jr. was jailed 30 times for charges such as civil disobedience.

7. MLK Jr. was awarded 20 honorary degrees.

8. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was instrumental in getting the Civil Rights Act of 1964 passed. This act outlawed discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin. It made it illegal to segregate based on race in schools, the workplace, and public accommodations (or facilities that serve the general public including hospitals and libraries). It may be hard for your kiddos to believe that there was once a time when children could not drink from the same drinking fountain or use the same bathroom because of the color of their skin. MLK fought to end that.

9. He was awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace in April 1964.

10. Martin Luther King Jr. married Coretta Scott on June 18, 1953. The ceremony was performed by his father, Martin Luther King Sr. Coretta had the vow "to obey" removed from the vows, which was almost unheard of at the time. 

11. MLK Jr. and his wife had four children: Martin Luther King III, Bernice King, Yolanda King, and Dexter King.

12. His "I Have a Dream" speech was not his first at the Lincoln Memorial. He gave a speech there on voting rights in 1957.

13. He survived an attempt on his life in 1958. He was stabbed with a letter opener by Izola Ware Curry. He underwent hours of emergency surgery. Surgeons said one sneeze could have punctured his aorta and killed him.

14. Martin Luther King Jr.'s mother was killed six years after his murder. She was shot while playing the organ at church.

15. One of the best ways kids can understand what he was all about is by listening to his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, which he made on Aug. 28, 1963. Kids of any age can listen and read along through this link

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After listening to the speech, ask your kids a few questions to help them grasp the magnitude. Here are a few suggestions:

  • What does it feel like to be excluded? Have you ever been excluded from something?
  • What is a slave? What does it mean to be enslaved?
  • What was the emancipation proclamation
  • What is something you can do to make others feel more included?
  • Can you think of a time when you saw something wasn't right, and you spoke up?
  • What does the word "community" mean to you?
  • What do you love about your community?
  • Is there one thing you can do each day to help others?
  • What are the big things you'd like to change in the world?
  • What is your big dream?

with additional reporting by Taylor Clifton

It’s a conversation no parent wants to have, but if you have to, here’s what you can tell your child

As unfortunate as it might be, lockdown drills have become a regular occurrence at most public schools across the country, in some places as commonplace now as fire drills. And though they can be scary for young children, they’re necessary. They help to prepare and educate children about the proper and safe way to act in case of an emergency.

The first time our local elementary school did a lockdown drill when my son was in kindergarten, he came home a little shaken up. It’s not easy to explain to your child why lockdown drills are necessary or what exactly they’re protecting them against without inciting fear. But there are some strategies available for speaking to your children about the importance and purpose of lockdown drills. Here are just a few.

1. Stay Calm

Children often react first to an adult’s reaction, then to whatever situation is causing the reaction. For example, if your child falls and scrapes their knee. Their initial reaction might be to cry when they see the blood or because it hurts. But the severity of their reaction will have a lot to do with how you, as the parent, react. If you start panicking, your child will panic too because they’ll think there’s reason to: “If mommy is getting upset there must be something really wrong!”

This theory holds true for discussing lockdown drills. If you approach the subject with a calm and even tone, your child will not be initially alarmed. They’re more apt to calmly sit and listen to what you have to say. Acting in a paranoid or fearful way will only instill unnecessary fear in your child.

2. Be Open to Questions

You want your child to feel comfortable asking you questions, about anything in life, but especially about something they’re concerned or curious about. Try not to meet their questions with resistance or negativity. Be open to whatever is going on in their minds. The more knowledge and understanding of the situation they have, the more comfortable they may become with the practice.

3. Use Comparisons

It’s sometimes easier for children to understand a new concept when they have a familiar reference to compare it to. The most common and logical comparison to a lockdown drill is a fire drill. Most children are familiar with fire drills before they even enter public school. Many daycare and childcare centers are required to perform routine fire drills. You might even have a fire plan in place for your home.

Explain to your child that a lockdown drill is very similar to a fire drill. It’s something the schools use just in case of an emergency and for practice because practice makes perfect! You can even compare practicing drills to wearing a helmet or seat belt. You do these things to be safe, just in case there’s an accident or your child falls off their bike. These things may never happen, but if they do, you’re protected.

The more relaxed and less serious you remain while discussing lockdown drills, the more relaxed your child will be. Emphasize that lockdown drills aren’t just for the students but for teachers as well and that they’re designed to keep everyone safe.

4. Helping Them Understand the Threat

But as we know, lockdown drills are in place for a very serious reason. It’s perfectly fine to ease your young child’s mind by making “light” of the situation and explaining that it’s simply for practice. But your inquisitive child will likely ask what a lockdown drill is keeping them safe from.

They already view teachers and other adults as authority figures. Explain to your child that sometimes, adults and teachers see a potential threat or something unsafe that children don’t see. This threat may be nothing, but until the adults can determine that, a lockdown drill is a good way to keep them safe.

Your child’s next question might be, “Well, what kind of unsafe stuff?” My son is 7 and I try to be as honest with him as possible, without striking fear. He knows that people make poor choices at times—from his friends in class to adults. When discussing what threats lockdown drills are addressing, explain that it’s the school’s job to keep the children safe from any adults around that might be making poor choices. There’s really no need to explain further what those choices are.

I often tell my son, “Sometimes people just do things that we don’t understand. Things that we would never do.” If your child is a little bit older you can go as far as to say, “Sometimes people get angry and confused and end up hurting people.” You know your child best, so offer as much or as little explanation as you think is appropriate or necessary.

5. Encourage Your Child to Be a Helper

Most kids love nothing more than being a helper, especially to adults! Making children part of what’s going on is a great way to involve them in their own safety practice, such as lockdown drills.

The teachers at my son’s school wear whistles on their school lanyards. During a lockdown drill, the teacher is supposed to pop their head out the classroom door into the hallway and blow their whistle three times. This alerts anyone in the hallway or neighboring classrooms that a lockdown is in place, in case they aren’t already aware. The teacher then locks the classroom door and the children take their positions. It’s my son’s job to remind his teacher to blow the whistle. Other students have other “jobs” like reminding her to pull down the shades or helping their friends find their special hiding spots.

By involving children in the lockdown process, you’re empowering them with a sense of responsibility and involvement. This can help to ease their worry. It also gives them something to focus on, distracting them from any fear they might be experiencing.

Try asking your child about the lockdown drill process. “So, what do you do first?” or “What happens next?” Become excited and involved in what’s happening. Your child will feel important and may view the drill as a necessary “job” they have, not as a scary experience.

6. Always be Available

It’s important to always be available for your child to ask questions, voice their concerns and simply listen to what they have to say. The first few lockdown drills your child experiences might be scary for them, but over time, they should become more comfortable with the process. If you need further information or help explaining lockdown drills with your child, speaking to your school’s principal or the district superintendent can offer additional help and resources about your specific school district’s procedures.

I am a 32 year old mother of a son and wife to an officer. I am honest about both the love and struggle of parenting. I enjoy being active and writing is my passion, second only to my family.

Stop saying these homophobic slurs and help break the chain of hurtful speech.

In a vulnerable time like this, communication is incredibly important. Our kids are relying on us more than ever for education, and social development. So, how do we avoid unintentionally hurtful words and teachings that we ourselves may have learned by accident? Linguistically speaking these terms and phrases can be considered a “pathogen”—they’re “Word Germs.”

Perhaps you can recall a time when a parent or grandparent taught you a word or spoke aloud an idea that was offensive to you, or to people you cared about. You, when you decided not to repeat it, were the first link that broke that instructional chain of thinking and speaking. 

After surveying an NYC-based LGBT & Ally Performer network, we have come up with 10 commonly used words and homophobic slurs that you may not have known were offensive to the LGBTQ+ community and some alternative options that will promote our children to grow up to be compassionate and intelligent advocates for justice in their classrooms, social circles and future homes. 

“No, that’s for girls/boys.”

that's a girl toy is one of the homphobic words to stop saying
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Kids are naturally curious and like to try out all different kinds of playtime activities as well as clothing options. Playing house, playing with trucks, or building LEGO sets are formative activities for young kids of any gender. Additionally, playtime, for households with multiple children, is a social activity. It’s not rare or wrong for a brother and sister to play cars, dolls, or dress-up pretend games together, so why do we enforce separation when it comes to other activities?

For example, when your son wants to try makeup or wants his nails painted, it can simply be because activities such as those are calming and involve spending quality time with you, or perhaps an older sibling. When a young girl plays with tools or has an interest in mechanics/building, not only are those creative activities the foundation for important skills she will need as an adult but are also a bonding activity for her and a parent and/or sibling. Though these activities aren't indicators that your child will grow into an LGBTQ+ adult, your reaction will be remembered if they begin having questions about their gender and sexuality, so responding positively and openly will set a trusting foundation for your relationship when they need your help finding those answers later in life. Celebrating your child’s curiosity will ultimately bring you closer together.  

“He’s a little ladies’ man/She’s going to give her Daddy trouble when she’s older.”

happy baby
Jason Sung via Unsplash

It's a known fact: babies are cute. And it's exciting to see their personalities take form. When babies/toddlers are social and bubbly, sometimes adults will remark in a way that indicates when they grow up, they’ll have plenty of romantic attention. Comments like this could potentially make your child fear making gestures of affection, particularly in front of you or other adults, in case they would be ridiculed or embarrassed. It also establishes an expectation that in adulthood, your child will be heterosexual.

Maybe you can recall having a “kindergarten boyfriend/girlfriend” who waved at you at pick-up or held your hand on the playground. These sorts of gestures of friendship and closeness among young kids should be encouraged. It teaches kids to be honest about their feelings and establishes a place in their life for kind gestures and affection, rather than concealment of emotions and violent outbursts.

These types of comments can also set a tone that same-sex relationships or the need for physical comforts such as hugs or hand-holding outside of a romantic relationship are "strange" or “abnormal.” Instead, it's important to encourage your children to be openly kind to their friends and classmates, without jokingly hinting that something else lies beneath those actions.   

"Be more ladylike."

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Whether she was climbing a tree or sitting bowlegged in a chair, every single girl has heard this phrase at least once growing up. This saying is damaging to every girl, establishing limitations on what girls can and cannot do. In the same way that "no, that's for boys" discourages girls from exploring interests in male-dominated fields, "act like a lady" teaches girls to consider themselves an "other" to boys, even something less than boys. While, of course, we want to teach children manners, how to be polite, to say "please" and "thank you," and to treat everyone with kindness and respect, comments like this make girls resent being born as girls.

It also assumes that a child's sex and gender match one another. Jo March from Little Women, the "blueprint" for how we view tomboyism, often remarked that she was "the man" of the family, cutting her hair short, wearing trousers, and refusing to do "girly" things like needlepoint or flirt with boys. She, like many young girls, rebels against conventional expectations of girlhood/womanhood. So, it's unsurprising that theorists have wondered whether Jo was gay or transgender. Allowing girls to breathe a bit as they develop, leaving room for any activities regardless of her sex will help her in expressing her gender identity later in life.

 

Related: 5 Trivia Questions for Pride Month

“You’re so brave for being out.”

be an LGBTQ ally by erasing these homophobic slurs out of your vocabulary
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While it comes from a place of kindness, and of understanding that there are plenty of people who are still intolerant of the LGBTQ+ community, telling a gay person "you're so brave" reinforces that being gay is an abnormality. Not every gay person is completely out, some are only out to friends or friends and a portion of their family. You may have heard "but I haven't told my uncle" or "but I'm never telling my Nona." This homophobic slur subtly assumes that a gay person wants to talk about their struggle to openly accept their sexuality. Saying instead, "I'm here for you if you need to talk (coming out, your intolerant relatives, being bullied at school, feeling confused, etc.)" establishes that you're an ally, and they're in control of when they bring up potentially traumatic events. You could also say, "I'm happy that you're so happy," or "I'm glad you've found your significant other."

“I’m not gay but.../I'm no homo...” 

two dads on how to Be an LGBTQ ally
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We'd love to say the reminder is unnecessary, but we'll say it anyway: stop saying this homophobic slur or any variation of it. Whether you think Lupita Nyong'o is beautiful or you love spending time with your best friend, you don't have to reaffirm the admiration of a celebrity or the strength of your love as platonic. This is another phrase that alienates LGBTQ+ people, making it seem as though gay people are abnormal, and there's a necessity to keep reaffirming you do not belong to that group. It makes it seem as though there is some fear attached to being mistaken for gay as if there is some punishment that may be involved. It's much easier to simply say "I'm really happy we're friends" or "I love the time we spend together" to someone you care about without adding the addendum at the end.

“I have a great gaydar.”

LGBTQ ally at a pride parade
Josè Maria Sava via Unsplash

We've all heard some version of it: "I always knew ____ was gay!" or, "With style like that, it was obvious!" or to the opposite effect, "But you don't look like a lesbian?" Employing your "gaydar" assumes that there is one single way of being gay. When in fact, gay people and their experiences are just as diverse as anyone else. It also gives gay people a reputation for being "sneaky" as if being in the closet is an act to fool or trick people, but those with "gaydar" are more adept at seeking out the lie. Instead of telling your friend/child/family member that you always knew they were gay, try saying "That's great!" Or if they tell you they're transgender or nonbinary, ask questions like "What does that mean for us going forward?" and "Do you have a new name or pronouns?" and "How can I best support you in this?" Showing you're listening and you care is the most crucial step in making the person you care about feel loved and accepted.

“But, are you sure? Have you ever dated a (person of the opposite sex)?”

learn how to be a good LGBTQ ally
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Even members of the LGBT+ community are guilty of this one. It's natural to be curious about how someone came into their sexuality, but ultimately it's not your business. Often times gay and transgender folks experience "internalized homophobia" where, it's difficult not to listen to the voices of bullies, politicians, clergy members, and even characters on television, who tell them they're "looking for attention" or "just haven't found the right person" or "can't possibly know unless they tried." You wouldn't ask a straight person how they knew they were straight if they'd never been in a same-sex relationship, so why the curiosity when it comes to gay people?

“I don’t mind what you are but, you’ll always be my little boy/girl to me.”

homophobic slurs to stop using today
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It's understandable that a change such as your child's gender can be shocking. Especially when discussions of reassignment surgery, hormone therapy and legal measures (regarding name, insurance, official documents, etc.) follow. Fond memories of watching your child grow up will potentially feel like a "Before" and "After" and perhaps, your child will not remember those precious moments with the same fondness, as they will remember them as a time of closeted-ness. It is so crucial in helping your child to feel accepted for who they are, to let go of the "Before" and "After" mentality. Talking openly about your concerns, and listening to theirs will help you better understand each other's needs. Sometimes decisions about how best your child can live their life happily as their preferred gender will require several conversations and lots of research. Tackle those moments of doubt by listening to what your child needs. Help them find an LGBTQ+ network, and as their parent, talk to adults who went through the same thing at their age, and what they needed/wish they had, as far as parental support.

“That’s gay.”

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This phrase has somewhat fallen out of fashion in the last ten years but it still comes up, particularly around the adolescent schoolyard. The sentiment is simple: all things stupid, inconvenient, weird, loud, gross, tedious, annoying, and so forth, are branded "gay" instead. With a vocabulary so rich and diverse with words that describe the things that irritate us, why continue to choose the word gay at all? It reinforces the notion that there's something inherently wrong with being gay. If you hear it said by someone you know or even someone you don't, it's easy to correct, "Did you mean (new word)?" or "Gay isn't a synonym for (new word)." Setting an example for your kids in this way, when they hear these pathogen-like phrases (especially when they're uttered by others in your presence), will help them not only learn not to say these things but also why it's important not to.

The “Reclaimed Slur”: “Fairy,” “Queen,” “Queer,” “Dyke,” “Faggot,” “Tranny,” “Cross-Dresser” 

homophobic slurs to quit using against the LGBTQ community
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This last one is a little trickier than the others. Sometimes, you will hear members of the LGBT+ community use terms that seem offensive, or you've heard them used offensively before. There isn't one single opinion from the community about these terms. Some people find it liberating to use words that were once meant to damage them as a signifier of pride or self-love. Others prefer to leave homophobic slurs in the past. However, at one point in history, the words "Gay" and "Lesbian" were also slurs, so it's difficult to come down decidedly on one side of the argument or the other.

Ultimately, “slurs” can only be reclaimed by the parties they were originally used to bully. Even if you hear someone call themselves an offensive word, it does not mean they’ve permitted you to use that word to describe them as well. Communicate with your child, friend, or family member, and ask them how you should refer to them—there’s almost always a straightforward answer. Whether it be “Sometimes I call myself a dyke, but please call me a lesbian in conversation” or “I’m gay, but I also use the word queer, so you may too when talking about me.” 

As with any marginalized group, the best thing you can do to support the LGBT+ community is to listen to and amplify their voices whenever/wherever you can. Educating yourself is the first step to becoming an LGBTQ ally to those you care about.

Related: 14 Inspiring LGBTQ Books for Kids

Santa’s number can be hard to find. Lucky for you, we’ve got the scoop

You’ve snapped your photos and written your letters to Santa, and probably already hung your stockings with care. Well, here’s one more way to get in touch with Ol’ St. Nick: Santa’s Hotline. It couldn’t get easier: all you need is a phone to dial up a free, international number that connects kids directly to a voicemail box, where they can leave messages at the North Pole. Available throughout the United States as well as 13 countries including France, Sweden, and Australia, it’s a simple concept that will add that little extra pinch of magic dust to your holiday. If your kids can’t get enough, here are six other ways to get in touch with Santa Claus during the holiday season.

Dial up +1-605-313-4000 in English

or  +1-605-313-4001 in Spanish

(There’s a list of international numbers on the site as well).

Your kiddos will hear the following message:

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! This is Santa Claus and you have reached my personal hotline. We have been very busy making all of those toys to deliver on Christmas morning, and I want you to know that your family loves you very much and so do I. So, be good and don’t forget to always listen to your parents. When you hear the tone please leave me your Christmas gift wishes and holiday cheer. And, remember kids, I know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Merry Christmas and I’ll see you soon.”

Then at the beep, your little elflings can leave their own message to Santa. (Be sure and listen in so you can take notes!)

When you use your mobile phone, Santa will send a text so you can listen or share your child’s message with the whole family!

Tip: keep the number handy in your contacts under Santa and surprise your sweeties, perfect for long lines or after-school doldrums. “Siri, call Santa” is sure to elicit a raised eyebrow and giant grin. 

The hotline was created by David Erickson, CEO of FreeConferenceCall.com and father of three. He thought of the idea when his daughter was little, and he hopes it brings a little more fun to the season. Last year, 9 million kids called in.

Visit the website to learn more and find downloadable flyers you can share with your teacher, family, and friends.

 

Look no further than your own family to find role models for your children. Grandparents can inspire the younger generation’s values and future

We all know that grandparents are our kids’ go-to source for bear hugs, commiseration (you are the common enemy), and yummy movie night snacks. But did you know that kids benefit from their grandparent’s advice, guidance, and endless love, too? Yup, research shows that it’s a win-win for both generations, and so, in honor of Grandparent’s Day on Sept. 11, here are 10 reasons why your kids need to get in that QT with Nana, Pop-Pop, Mimi, or Gramps.

Grandparents Provide Unconditional Love

Mira Temkin

Grandparents love your children and want to be around them, helping them mature and shaping them into smart, caring adults. Showering your children with unconditional love will go a long way toward instilling confidence in them and ensuring that they have a brighter future. 

You'll Help Your Parents Live Longer

A grandfather happily lifts his baby grandson into the air
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Scientists now believe that grandparents who babysit live longer than those who don’t. A study showed babysitting grandparents had a whopping 37% lower mortality risk than adults of the same age who have no “caring responsibilities.” They believe time spent with grandchildren creates a sense of purpose and also helps keep grandparents physically and mentally active. 

Related: The Most Awesome “Gramping” Packages for Skip-Gen Travel

Grandparents Want to Show Them the World!

A child spends time outside in the park with his grandparents
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Hopefully, your mom and dad will want to explore the world with your kiddos and take them to visit historic and educational destinations. Your parents may have the financial means to go a little further and take the kids on a skip-gen trip by themselves. Count yourself very lucky if they can.

Related: 11 Tips for Grandparents Traveling with Grandkids

They Can Enjoy New Experiences Together

Mira Temkin

Let your mom and dad take your kids on educational, yet fun outings—to museums, art shows, and musical theatre performances. Let the grandparents serve as role models, showcasing their passion for culture. Kids who are exposed to the arts will be more likely to pursue these experiences on their own as they continue to grow.

You Can All Be Part of a Team

A girl and her grandfather are in the kitchen cooking together
iStock

Raising children is like a team sport. You’ve heard the expression, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Encourage your parents to be a part of the team and let them take great pride in fostering your children to become confident, healthy adults. That’s something you can all be proud of accomplishing. 

Related: 12 Games to Play with Grandparents

You'll End Up with Happier, More Secure Children

Happy grandparents spending time with their grandchildren sit on a couch laughing
iStock

If you need more convincing, a study at the University of Oxford by Professor Ann Buchanan from the Department of Social Policy and Intervention showed that “a high level of grandparental involvement increased the well-being of children.” Their study of more than 1,500 children showed that those with a high level of grandparental involvement had fewer emotional and behavioral problems.

Grandparents Can Be Your Child’s Best Sounding Board and Source of Comfort

a boy hugs his grandpa from behind on a sunny day
iStock

It’s a tough world out there. Your kids see how hard you work and may feel more comfortable sharing their issues and concerns with their grandparents, who might be less judgemental. If your child dreams of becoming an astronaut, grandparents have the power to encourage them. If a family is struggling, grandparents can just be there to listen and provide empathy for their fears.

Your Kids Can Learn about the Past

Grandparents sit on the beach with their two grandchildren
iStock

There was a time in the not-so-distant past when our lives weren't ruled by technology. Grandparents can share stories about years when humans weren't living in a digital world; kids will love seeing pictures of their grandparents doing their favorite things and come to understand how different life was back then.

Grandparents Can Help Kids Do Good for Others

A girl and her grandmother look at grapes on a vinyeard
iStock

The elder generation may also place a high value on volunteering at religious and social service organizations. They may ask to bring the kids along with them at events like sorting donations at a food bank, packing school supplies, and purchasing warm coats for needy children. Participating in these kinds of activities will teach your children about compassion.  

 

Your Kids Can Learn about and Share Their Values

Mira Temkin

Grandparents have an opportunity to share their values, like the importance of getting a good education, staying close to family, and being kind to children at school who may be physically and mentally challenged, with your kids. The influence of positive role models is critical as children tend to model the behaviors they see; listening to their grandparents will serve as a guide for your kiddos.

 

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is understanding and recognizing your emotions, and how they impact you and those around you. It also involves perspective taking, comprehending empathy, and having a real understanding of others’ emotions too. It is about building self-awareness and learning emotional self-regulation as well as gaining the social skills to connect and understand others.

How Is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Different from Intelligence Quotient (IQ)?

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is intelligence specifically relating to emotions, how an individual can classify, evaluate, regulate and communicate emotions—people skills. Intelligence Quotient (IQ) refers to processing, applying, filtering, and retaining information, logical reasoning, and abstract and spatial thinking—book smart. It is a different skill set, both of which can be inherent and learned.

The Benefits of Emotional Intelligence for Your Child:

  • Enhances emotional regulation

  • Encourages positive conflict resolution skills

  • Helps your child absorb critical feedback and use it constructively to grow

  • Guides your child to be a team player and work cooperatively with success

  • Activates listening skills

Strengthen Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence through These 5 Actions:

1. Label your child’s emotions, give feelings a name. Acknowledging emotions by using simple language, “I see you are feeling (insert emotion),” provides validation and gives your child the affirmation that you are listening and understanding them at the moment.

2. Do simple breathing exercises to promote emotional self-regulation.

3. Be an active listener, especially if your child is harboring views that are different from yours. Ask questions to gain an understanding of why they may think a certain way and refrain from judgment.

4. Write it down or draw a picture. Sometimes when your child is experiencing a big emotion, the feeling gets trapped and swirls around their head and builds up to grow into something bigger than it may be in reality. Verbalising, writing, or drawing is a release valve.

5. Give your child a task with a goal (finishing a puzzle, getting dressed alone, putting on their shoes, etc.) this gives a sense of ownership over self-motivation. Encourage your child to follow through despite the outcome.

Research shows high levels of emotional intelligence are directly linked to academic achievement, better relationships, greater success for adulthood, and improved mental health. The most exciting thing about Emotional Intelligence is that it can be taught and learned. Nurturing your child’s Emotional Intelligence will give them a strong foundation in which to flourish.

RELATED:
Kids Who Can Manage Emotions Do Better In School, Study Finds
The One Thing We Miss When We Applaud Our Kid’s Success
How to Help Kids Handle Their Emotions

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Hi! I am an author, founder and educator. I have a Bachelor of Media Communications, Bachelor of Elementary Education Degrees as well as an Early Childhood Montessori Certification and in the process of completing a Master of Education. I live between New York and Byron Bay. I'm the mama of Grace, Theodore and Little Dude! 

“Please don’t jump on the couch.”

“I told you not to jump on the couch.”

“STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!”

We set limits, and our children test them.

Conventional parenting advice says that it’s a children’s job to test our limits and that they’ll do this to find out how we’ll react. They want to find holes in our patience or our logic, and to check that we’re going to hold our limit. They are trying to establish a hierarchy of power in the relationship, and gain control of the situation.

And they are. If we view our relationship with our child as a zero-sum game, one person’s win has to be balanced by another person’s loss.  And if we aren’t the winner, then the alternative—that our child might have the upper hand—is too difficult to even imagine.

And if our goal is to make sure your children don’t get the upper hand, then we’ll always be in this struggle to make sure we’re on top.

We Feel Like We Need Control

At the root of these struggles is what feels like a need for control. And I say “feels like,” because any illusion that we have control over anything in our lives is exactly that: an illusion.

We feel like we control our schedules, our children’s activities, our finances. But if we think about it, actually very little of those things are under our control.  (Don’t think about it too long—it can be scary!)

Society tells us that it’s our job to be in control—we learned this from our parents (as well as school), and now we’re teaching it to our children by setting limits on their behavior.

But what if it didn’t have to be like this? What if we could not be in an antagonistic relationship with our children and also not have them constantly test us?

Most parents assume that the solution to children not listening (or deliberately ignoring) limits is, you guessed it, more limits. And stronger enforcement of limits. That when our children listen to us, we might be able to back off a little. Maybe.

The Solution Is Fewer Limits

Yes, I know it seems counterintuitive. If our children aren’t listening to us now, how could setting fewer limits possibly be the answer?

Because setting limits sets the tone of our relationship. And if our relationship is based on power, antagonism, and control, then our children will always try to get the upper hand. How could they not? They are learning from us that someone needs to have it, and the person who doesn’t have it gets walked all over, so they’d better at least give it a shot.

But if we set fewer limits, we set an entirely different tone.

A collaborative tone. A communicative tone. A tone that says: “Our relationship is the most important thing to me.”

So how do we set fewer limits without letting our kids walk all over us?

The key is to set limits that are grounded in your values. When you do this, your child hears in your voice that you’re serious. (You’ve noticed this before, right? When you say something that you believe in, and your child doesn’t protest?)

So you set limits on issues that are important to you—and the rest of them—you let go.

It’s not easy.

It’s a huge mindset shift, so I run a free workshop to help parents do it.

The strangest part about it all is that it doesn’t require us to get our children to do anything. We aren’t trying to change their behavior. We aren’t trying to control them, or win a battle over them. We’re finding a new way to be in a relationship with them that’s so much more peaceful and joyful and just plain fun!

And also, it’s easier than the other way. Because everyone could use some more easy in their life right now.

 

Feature photo: Pixel-Shot via Shutterstock

Jen Lumanlan fills the gaps in her parenting intuition through research, via a Master’s in Psychology (Child Development) and another in Education.  Her podcast, Your Parenting Mojo, provides rigorous yet accessible information on parenting and child development to help parents tame the overwhelm and raise resilient, thriving children.

Childhood worry seems to be rising as rapidly as COVID-19 cases. More and more children are acting fearful, having trouble sleeping, doing poorly in school, and showing physical symptoms. Does this sound like your child? What if you have you tried everything, but your child is still anxious? What if you already made the Worry Box as described in this article on Tinybeans.com and your child’s Worry Box is overflowing with worries? If so, I have the perfect strategy for you to try called, “Worry Time.”

Like the Worry Box, this technique is so simple and so effective that it should be in every parent’s toolbox. Both the Worry Box and Worry Time strategies are forms of containment or ways to contain worries in both physical space and time. Like the strategies in the book “Shrinking the Worry Monster,” they come from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), a highly regarded form of anxiety intervention. A fuller description of CBT and containment is in the above-mentioned Worry Box article.

Thinking versus Worrying

First, let’s look at the difference between thinking versus worrying. Thinking is a good thing. It can involve reflecting, reasoning, and problem-solving. It can lead to purposeful action which allows the mind to move on.

In contrast, worrying is problem solving gone amiss. What starts out as a concern, can turn into an unhealthy obsession of unresolvable problems. Most chronic worriers believe they cannot control their anxious thoughts. It is as if worriers are caught in a downward spiral where an anxious thought arises, the problem seems unsolvable, and then physical symptoms of anxiety take over. This pattern repeats over and over. It is so emotionally painful that people try anything to avoid the worry thoughts, but that usually doesn’t work. Just look at a picture of a purple cat and then tell yourself that you will not think about that cat for one minute. Chances are you will think about that cat the entire minute.

The good news is that anyone can learn to control how and when to worry. It takes using good, research-based strategies and practice. My favorite tools come from CBT and include talking back to the worry, containing the worry in a “Worry Box,” and using “Worry Time.” The last two strategies contain worries so they aren’t just running amok in the brain 24/7.

Steps for Scheduling Worry Time

The goal for Worry Time is not to stop worries, but to reduce the time spent on the anxious thoughts. The steps are a template for training your child to contain his worries within 15-20 minutes a day. Of course, it will take regular practice, but it is a very achievable goal.

Step 1: Schedule Worry Time

Set up a daily Worry Time where you will listen to your child talk about his worries for 15-20 minutes. Worry Time should be the same uninterrupted time everyday, but not 1-2 hours before bedtime. Late afternoon is often a good time.

Step 2: Explain Worry Time to Your Child

Tell your child that you and he are going to start having a special time together called Worry Time. It will happen from 4:00 to 4:20 (let’s say) and he gets to tell you everything about his worries. You will listen closely, but this is his time to talk. You may not say that any of his worries are silly, but instead you will mostly accept what he has to say. When Worry Time is over (maybe you set a timer), tell your child that you really appreciate all the concerns he has told you and you look forward to Worry Time tomorrow.

Step 3: Teach the One Rule

Teach him that there is only one rule with Worry Time. You will not listen to his worries when it is not Worry Time. You know this will be hard, but you will give him other things to do with his worries. His worries will become smaller because of Worry Time.

Step 4: What to Do When It Isn’t Worry Time

Discuss other ways to contain his worries. He can write them down and put them in the Worry Box, he can write or draw his worries in a notebook, or he can imagine putting them in a safe and locking them up. At the next Worry Time, he should pull out his Worry Box or his notebook and share everything that is in there.

Tell your child that he can also do something else when he is worried (distract). How about going outside, running the stairs, reading a book, or calling grandparents? You and your child can have fun writing down all the things he can do while he is waiting for the next Worry Time. He can also read the children’s book, Shrinking the Worry Monster, to learn ways to talk back to the worry on his own.

Most parents find this strategy seems hard at first, but their child’s worries often dissipate after time. After a few weeks, some kids actually have very few worries to report, but they want to continue their special time with their parents. If your child is very anxious, you might try scheduling Worry Time twice a day at the beginning. Of course, if your child is extremely anxious, please do talk to your health professional about getting outside help. You do not want your child’s anxiety to turn into a serious adult anxiety disorder.

Worry Time is a clever strategy that contains your child’s worries in time. When it is combined with a method to contain the worries in physical space like a Worry Box or a notebook, it is a very powerful anti-anxiety tool. And it is so easy that every parent may want to give it a try. This is such an anxious time for all of us, having anxiety-reducing tools in our parenting skill set seems imperative.

This post originally appeared on www.drsallyb.com

I am a child psychologist who specializes in children's anxiety. I just published a top seller children's book titled Shrinking the Worry Monster, A Kid's Guide for Saying Goodbye to Worries. I love sharing ideas about decreasing worry in children, especially now. I also love to hike and bike in beautiful Pacific NW. 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: the Christmas (music) season! We’ve rounded up the top holiday songs and albums to get you into the Christmas spirit, whether you’re baking cookies, decorating the house or wrapping presents. From Paul McCartney to Bing Crosby and Mariah Carey, there’s something for everyone on this list. (Psst … scroll down to the bottom of the article for a Spotify playlist with all the songs mentioned.)

“White Christmas” by Bing Crosby

Christmas wouldn’t be the same without this absolute classic by Bing Crosby. In fact, his version, originally released in 1942, is actually the world’s best-selling single, with an estimated 50 million copies sold worldwide.

“Last Christmas” by Wham!

Dripping with ‘80s vibes, it’s tough not to break into song and dance when “Last Christmas” comes on. It’s been covered countless times by everyone from Jimmy Eat World to Carly Rae Jepsen, but the George Michael original will always have a special place in our hearts.

"Christmas" by Michael Bublé

Michael Bublé is basically the modern-day king of Christmas, and his festive 2011 album makes the perfect holiday soundtrack. If you’re having a holiday party, pop this YouTube video on your tv: it’s the full Christmas album paired with a burning yule log.

“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by She & Him

This spare version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is just the thing to listen to while sipping on apple cider or mulled wine. If you’ve seen the movie Elf, you’ve already heard Zooey Deschanel’s singing; either way, her musical side project with singer-songwriter and guitarist M. Ward is well worth a listen.

“The Christmas Song” by Nat King Cole

Nat King Cole’s buttery smooth voice makes this a favorite Christmas song for many. It was written by Robert Wells and Mel Tormé in the dead of summer in an attempt to “stay cool by thinking cool.”

“All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey

This pop diva bop has become a modern classic of the Christmas genre, a real feat considering most of the popular holiday tunes are much older. It’s even the best selling Christmas single by a female artist overall.

“Carol of the Bells” by Pentatonix

We love this unique take on the classic “Carol of the Bells” by Pentatonix. The original song was based on a Ukranian folk chant, so it’s only fitting for an a cappella group to cover it.

“Jingle Bell Rock” by Bobby Helms

First released in 1957, this swingin’ Christmas song is always a hit. It gets bonus points in our book for reminding us of a certain iconic scene in the movie Mean Girls.

“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams

This song is our favorite way to kick off the Christmas season—it’s the perfect soundtrack for decorating the house. The rollicking melody will have everyone in your family singing and dancing along.

“Jingle Bells” by Frank Sinatra

Originally written in 1857, “Jingle Bells” is a perennial Christmas favorite. This jazzy version by Frank Sinatra adds something new to the song while still staying true to its roots. Check out the colorful new official video, perfect for budding Sinatra fans.

“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Brenda Lee

This version of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” was recorded in 1958 and still holds up amazingly today, with a robust brass section and expert vocals by Brenda Lee. Believe it or not, Lee was just 13 years old at the time of recording!

“I Wish It Was Christmas Today” by Julian Casablancas

Fans of The Strokes, take note: this song by the band’s lead singer Julian Casablancas is a must-listen. It’s a nice palate cleanser if you’ve grown tired of the usual Christmas classics.

"Hey Guys! It’s Christmas Time!" by Sufjan Stevens

Prolific singer-songwriter Sufjan Stevens has released five EPs of Christmas songs, but this one might be our favorite. It’s a laid-back yet catchy song celebrating the joys of Christmastime alongside sleigh bells and electric guitar.

—Susie Foresman

 

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Feature photo: iStock