ML Interest Tag: loneliness

7 Things Our Daughters Need to Know Before Middle School

By Krissy Dieruf

Powerful words can make a difference before kids head to middle school

Dear daughter,

1. Someone else doesn’t need to think you’re beautiful to make it true.

Please know that you are beautiful. And not in the least because of how your eyes and nose fit on your face or the size of your waist. You are beautiful because of who you are. Those who care about you will not only see your beauty, but they will love you for loving yourself and knowing all of your own great strengths.

Do not put the power of your truth in the hands of another to decide. Hold onto it and boldly believe in yourself. You already possess it. Whether they see it or not, it’s yours.

2. Feeling good about yourself is not a bad thing.

To know one’s own strengths is a great skill. It is necessary for success in life, love, friendships, intimacy, careers, and even physical and mental health. Do not be afraid to trust in your strengths. You can know where your greatness lies and balance it with the awareness of where your faults and struggles hold you back.

We are not meant to ignore our bright light, nor are we meant to pretend as though we lack imperfections. You may be tempted to step heel to toe to make others feel more comfortable or accepting, but we all fall off that tightrope. Your feet belong on solid ground because you are incredible and flawed. Accept both.

3. You can blame me for anything.

There will be times when you find yourself in a situation that you know is trouble. You will be faced with drinking, drugs, and other “just do it” situations that are harmful to you or that you just don’t want to participate in. And yet, what should you say? Dear daughter, say that your mom has the superhero power of knowing all and you will be indentured to a life of chores and Friday night board games with your parents forever.

I trust you to make good choices, but when you need an excuse, when you need someone to blame, I can be whatever you want me to be to get you out of a bad situation.

Related: Daughters (Who’ll Conquer the World) Need to Hear These 8 Things

4. Everyone is exaggerating.

Fear of missing out can lead to bad choices, loneliness, jealousy, and hurt feelings. When you are feeling that way, remember that pictures exaggerate the truth. A simple night of three friends sitting around staring at their own phones can look like the sleepover of the century with one selfie posted on Instagram. Filters are there for a reason, they make the image of the truth look better than it really is. Likely you didn’t miss out on anything. And even if you did, your turn will come.

5. Build up your friends; it doesn’t take away from how awesome you are.

An unfortunate lie that girls are told in our society is that we must compete with one another to be the best. Healthy competition in sports and activities is a good thing when everyone knows the rules and is on the same playing field. Unhealthy competition is unspoken or hidden; it is not acknowledged and there are no rules. It leads to covert bullying also known as relational aggression.

Magazines and movies want us to think that only one girl can be the beautiful one at a party, only one dress can be the prettiest, and only one girl can get the guy. Do not be held back by needing to be prettier/smarter/cuter/trendier/sportier than your friends. Don’t be friends with girls who are stuck needing to be better than you. Be yourself and then give your friends props for being awesome, too.

6. You are in charge of your body.

Okay, this is a serious one—the most important one on this list. I want you to close your eyes and think really hard about this now for a moment because you only have one body. And your body is precious to me. I hope your body is precious to you. I hope that you treat your body as the strong, capable, incredible form that it is.

Every part of you is beautiful and perfect, designed for anything and everything you want it to do. Listen to your body, be the driver of your vessel, treat it with respect, and others will, too.

7. I will always be here. You are always my girl.

Life is hard. And like I said, we are all just trying to figure it out. As you learn and grow and change, I will always be here. I hope you will feel the warmth of my arms around you no matter where you are, like a ribbon tethering you always to the place from where you first came. I love you more than the air I breathe. I love watching you unfold and figure out who you are and claim your path.

You already have everything inside of you that you will ever need, and I am the luckiest mom in the world to have you as my daughter. I am always on your side, I’ve got your back and am holding a spotlight over you as you learn to fly, forever your cheerleader. Thanks for being you.

Related: 7 Things My Son Absolutely Needs to Hear—& Know—Before Middle School

 

 

Krissy Dieruf is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children, loves to sing and dance around the house and has a soft spot for rebels and crazy hair. 

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Why I Stopped Overcompensating for My Kids’ Absent Dad

By Sarah Fumero

You might call it the “D” word—divorce. Many children are blessed to be overwhelmingly loved by two caring adults who are able to cohesively co-parent. Then there are some children, like my own, who are not only left in turmoil but are also left with an absentee parent.

The father of my first two children could be summed up as a slow-motion train wreck. There is too much to go into great detail about, but his biggest flaw is choosing to be the equivalent of a distant cousin as opposed to a father: going weeks and even months without contact, missing birthday phone calls and falling about two years behind on child support payments.

Seeing the heartache on my children’s faces prompted me to become the Queen Mother of Overcompensation. I now had to step into their father’s shoes. I had to make up for all that he was screwing up.

At first, it was harmless: trying to make sure I fulfilled every wish on the birthday and Christmas list. I mean, how couldn’t I? How could I make his lack of financial or emotional help be the fault of a child?

Next came the emotional compensation, choosing to ignore problematic behaviors simply because of the pain the kids were feeling due to the loss of a family unit. I can remember the day my then-third grader leveled a classroom following an angry encounter with his teacher. I remember being terribly embarrassed and expressing that to every faculty member in view, but moments later, taking him for ice cream to talk it out.

I was afraid of being the “bad parent.” That if my children saw me put my foot down, they would hate me. I feared they would want and long for the one who wouldn’t even take the time to pick up the phone to return a call. I had to be all they needed wrapped in one. Believe it or not, I needed their love during this difficult time as much as they needed mine. I was afraid to parent my own children.

As I continued this path of destruction, I slowly began to realize that my pattern of enabling them was like putting scotch tape on a leaky pipe; sooner or later, that tape slides off, and the real problem bursts through. The gifts and the ice cream didn’t stop the anger and only calmed the raging storms. The phone calls from school didn’t stop. The ADD/ADHD diagnosis came next, which led to bigger, more underlying issues being discovered. My children were in pain, and no toy could fix that. More needed to be done!

I had to recognize my own toxic behavior in being my children’s enabler. The naysayers were right—they needed love, yes—but they also need guidance and a strong mother who stood firm in her decisions and who wouldn’t waffle at their whimpering. They needed a mother who was confident enough to know that she could never fully fill the void of their absent father.

I also had to acknowledge that I, too, was in pain. Divorce is never easy for children, but for the parties who vowed to spend the rest of their lives together, it was devastating. I cried myself to sleep some nights, afraid to face the world as something I never wanted to be. I was now a single mother and, most of all, alone. Loneliness eats away at you, and I longed to fill the void.

As these thoughts came rushing over me, I realized what I was doing to myself. Trying to overcompensate for someone who couldn’t care less was like ordering a Big Mac with a Diet Coke—it made no sense. I was an emotional wreck and I was passing that disease to my own children. I had to make a choice. I had to decide if I wanted to continue to fill the emotional loss with worthless items or if I wanted to help my children heal.

I wanted them to heal, so I had to hold myself and them accountable for our poor choices.

Part of that process meant allowing my children to talk it out with someone other than myself. The school counselors were amazing in this transition; my boys opened up and let them into their safe zone. They were given strategies to deal with anger and to calm themselves. They began talking more about missing their father and how it made them feel that he rarely fulfilled his role. While these were steps in the right direction, the healing process takes time. We continue to take it step by step and remember that we are in it together.

I know that we are not all lucky enough to have the perfect co-parenting scenario, though that’s what we all want for our children. In the event that we don’t get that happy ending, understanding that we are in charge of guarding our children’s emotional healing—and proceeding carefully and responsibly—is key.

Originally published January 2019.

RELATED LINKS
When Divorce Is the Only Answer
Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You
My Child with ADHD Needs Kinder—Not Tougher—Parenting

I am just regular mom of three wonderful boys and a married to the love of my life! I hope to reach people through writing and expressing my true experiences. My goal is to help a parent realize that no matter the struggle, they are not alone in the journey! 

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To the Mother of a Child with a Disability This Mother’s Day

By Lauren Emmett

I am thinking about you today.

I want you to know that everything you do matters.

When you crawl into bed at night, aching from your temples to your toes, know that you have done enough. There may have been no progress made with toileting, feeding therapy or communication today and that is okay.

Your child is safe and so loved.

The weight of hectic schedules, parent trainings, OT, PT and visits with every other MD in-between can feel suffocating.

The research, the meltdowns, the battles over chicken nugget brands and clothing choices, all can withdraw every ounce of patience from your soul.

The smeared feces, the eloping, the pica and other behaviors you watched your friend’s toddlers outgrow. Years later, they remain in your child.

Most days are exhausting and thankless and I want you to know that your child appreciates you, they need you, and they love you beyond measure.

You need to know that.

Your child may not be able to express this, some of you may have never even heard your child call you “Mom.”

But they know you are Mom.

Your child is so grateful for all that you do and would be lost without you. Just as you would be lost without your sweet child.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

When your patience has been depleted.

When you’ve cried behind your sunglasses at a park as you watched your child’s differences come to light.

The loneliness you have felt from the long days spent with a child unable to read your emotions.

The difficult medical and educational decisions you struggle to make.

Know that there are so many of us with you.

We have felt the lows and celebrated the victories, too. We know the fear and the worry you wrestle with daily, and the immense pride you feel over the slightest progress.

I want you to find hope.

Today let’s bask in achievements and forget about regressions.

Even if only for one day.

Let your hope be stronger than your fears. With so many unknowns in the future, know that it’s going to get better.

I know this because we will grow stronger.

We will continue to learn, to advocate, to protect and make certain our children know their worth and just how very much they are loved.

I am so thankful for this sisterhood of amazing mothers today and every day.

Have a very Happy Mother’s Day.

This post originally appeared on Wilsonsclimb.com.

Lauren is a proud mom of two adorable kids, her son Wilson and daughter Charlie. She is constantly learning from her children and loves to share their adventures from the world of autism on wilsonsclimb.com.  Lauren shares her son's journey as one small piece in helping to spread autism awareness around the world.  

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5 Tips to Help Your Kids Navigate Tech Overload

By Laura Sanders Morris

The chances are high you’ve struggled to pull your child away from the screen or caught your kid scrolling on their phone late at night even when you set clear rules about no devices in bed. You’re so not alone. As parents, all of us are trying to help our kids navigate tech overload, but so often we feel we need to be supermoms and solve these problems on our own.

As the Director of Policy and Programs at the California Partners Project, a nonprofit ensuring California’s media and tech industries are a force for good in our children’s lives, I’m working to unpack how tech and social media are impacting families and creating a space for parents to be real with each other. Last fall, our team released a report Are the Kids Alright? to get a sense of how California teens were coping with the pandemic, and we found that tech has entertained and provided much-needed connection, but it has also sparked “addiction”, anxiety, loneliness, and disrupted sleep.

These problems aren’t going away anytime soon, so to get a better understanding of what families and kids are navigating, CPP and our co-founder California First Partner Jennifer Siebel Newsom launched a listening tour to hear from diverse caregivers about their pandemic parenting experiences.

I’m so grateful I got to join and lead conversations with dozens of moms, and I’m pretty amazed by how resilient we parents are. We’ve experienced so much trauma over the last year and a half and most parents (myself included) haven’t had meaningful opportunities to download and process our experiences and feelings. The struggle to manage life at home amidst isolation, screen saturation, and fear is real.

Parents told me that they haven’t been able to shield their kids from endless stressful news coverage, and others talked about how hard it is to create meaningful agreements around video games—especially when expectations are different between two parents. Many also shared that there is a dark side to popular apps they previously thought provided innocent entertainment. In one listening session, I heard about the growing anxiety and depression that children have experienced as the pandemic has worn on. “For us, there was so much anxiety because it was so unknown,” one mom said. “The kids wanted to go to school, they wanted to go to prom. Last year I had a 12th grader and she missed her prom, she missed her graduation and she was frustrated having to deal on a day to day and we were talking about putting her into counseling.”

After hearing parents echo common challenges, and discovering that so many of us feel we are in this alone, CPP created responsive toolkits with tips, recommendations, and best practices to help parents teach their kids how to practice healthy tech use. Our team talked to expert psychologists, pediatricians, educators, and other mental health providers to shape each toolkit with practical tips parents can use in their own homes. Check out some of the highlights, which I hope serve as a jumping off point for conversation and connection within your family:

How Can Parents Navigate Screen & Tech Saturation?

1. Discuss your approach to tech and media use with your co-parent or caregiver before you have difficult conversations.

Consider a family media agreement to begin a discussion with your child’s other parent (see Common Sense Media Family Media Agreement). These types of documents will help outline issues that might arise and provide an opportunity for discussion before you have to face the issue in real-time.

2. Create a family exercise challenge to get your kids off the screen.

Create a sit-up, push-up, or dance competition your family can do right in your own home. These simple exercises are practical ways to get stronger and more fit without equipment or classes (see Parents Together Family Challenge).

Don’t feel bad if your family has gone off-course with tech use. Acknowledge that some rules were suspended during a difficult year plus. Vicki Harrison, MSW and Program Director at the Center for Youth Mental Health and Wellbeing at Stanford University School of Medicine, recommends parents recognize that the last year was difficult and some unintended habits that got us through won’t continue as we recalibrate to a new and shifting reality.

3. If your child is feeling anxious about the news, set a plan to watch the news with them and/or discuss the content of the news of the day.      

The APA recommends that parents set guidelines about what time of the day the family checks the news (APA). If your child is young, try to make sure the news is not on unless you or a trusted adult is monitoring what they are hearing and seeing. Ask your children what they think about the news and take time to listen to their response. Remind your children and teens to stick to trusted news sites to gather information.

If you’re looking for ways to manage your child’s devices, start with the settings. In most cases, according to research, if you want to begin to activate restrictions on devices or applications, whether for content or time limits, the best place to begin is settings. Platforms like Google (Digital Wellbeing) and Apple (Screen Time) have programs that allow you to put restrictions on your devices.

I know it will take time to help our children process the grief and loss they’ve experienced, but I am inspired that we can open up a dialogue and create space for parents to be honest with one another to help our children emerge from the pandemic healthy and whole.

—Laura Sanders Morris & California Partners Project

Laura Sanders Morris
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

With a sustained commitment to socially responsible outcomes I have served on national and local boards advocating for children, gender and race equity. I recently transferred my passion for education and media to pursue an advanced degree in education leadership. I live in San Francisco with my husband Ken and my two sons.

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Could This Be the Secret to Reducing Stress?

By Nina Meehan

Today was one of those days when I was struggling. I had a bunch of work I needed to get done, I wanted to do a long workout to make up for not working out at all yesterday, I had cooking to do to prep for the next few days and Meadow just wanted to play with me. It’s so easy to write off these kinds of days—and I know all us parents have them—and just assume we will find moments to connect tomorrow.  But, today Meadow was my teacher. We came back from a walk and she said, “Let’s find some pieces of nature, Mommy.”  

So, we did. We went into the front yard. We crawled over rocks, looked under trees, hopped over puddles. At each spot, we collected leaves and sticks, and rocks. We looked at color and texture. We found unusual shapes and unexpected angles. We delighted over a particularly shiny pink-ish pebble. We exclaimed at the brightness of the colors on the leaves. And as we found each treasure we put it in a box.  

Spending that time outdoors with her shifted my entire day. I was reminded, once again of the groundbreaking and amazing work of Pediatrician Nooshin Razani, MD who is prescribing nature to kids as part of her practice. If you haven’t heard of her work, check out this UCSF article or her amazing Ted Talk.  Being in nature helps with anxiety, depression, loneliness, stress and so many other issues that so many children face.  

Particularly, right now in the face of a pandemic, kids and adults alike are facing huge feelings of isolation and overwhelm. My family is very privileged to be able to access nature whenever we want and we talk a lot about how for many kids, that is not an option and we need to work hard to ensure that children in the future all have access to the beauty that surrounds us in California and beyond.  

We finished our collection process with a new sense of ease and smiles. I wasn’t looking at my watch or checking my email. I was just out there observing, seeing, noticing with Meadow.  

We came inside and Meadow carefully arranged each item on a piece of plain white paper with the detailed eye like you would expect to see on reality TV shows with celebrity designers. Each item had a specific place it needed to be placed. As I watched her work, and she consulted me on my thoughts, I couldn’t help but admire the ease she found in creating balance with the objects. The stick bends one way, so she found a leaf that bent the other way. The rock was pointy, so she found something round to balance it.  

It occurred to me that maybe part of the reason that nature relieves stress is because it is by definition, in balance. There is nothing that needs to be changed or switched. Every item in nature is placed exactly as it should be. As we work to destress and declutter our lives, maybe all we really need to do is look outside more often and find the masterpieces in plain sight. 

 

 

Nina Meehan is CEO and Founder Bay Area Children's Theatre and the host of the Creative Parenting Podcast. An internationally recognized expert in youth development through the arts, Nina nurtures innovation by fostering creative thinking. She is mom to Toby (13), Robby (10) and Meadow (5).  

   

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Check In with Your Children

By Jamie Edelbrock

I always check my phone first thing in the morning. I live multiple time zones away from my hometown, so there are usually a handful of texts and emails from friends and family waiting for me, as well as notifications from my social media accounts. Scrolling through the messages, posts, and memes usually brings a smile to my face, but yesterday morning was different.

My mind went numb, and I couldn’t comprehend a post I was reading. A teenager, my daughter’s age, from her former school, lost their life. I was heartbroken. My heart was heavy for their parents, their friends, and the community. As my head began to clear, I started connecting the dots. I realized the teenager was likely a close friend of my daughter. My heart sank, and I immediately ran to her bedroom. Tears filled her eyes as she confirmed my fears. Her dear friend, who had been at our house multiple times right before we moved and with whom she still regularly communicated, was gone.

I don’t know how long we sat on her bed holding each other, crying. All I know is that sorrow surrounded us like a thick blanket as we sat there in silence. There were no words that could bring comfort at that moment.

Yesterday was the first time in my parenting journey where I was at a complete loss. Nothing had prepared me to walk my daughter through something so devastating. I had never read a book or parenting guide on picking up the pieces of my daughter’s shattered heart, nor had I watched a how-to video on explaining suicide and death to a young teenager. I think when we’re young, we know in the back of our heads that older generations will inevitably pass on and, though difficult, come to accept it as part of life. But not this. This was a wonderful young teenager. Again, I was at a complete loss.

Not knowing what to do, I let the moment and my mama instincts take over. After we let go of our embrace, I decided to let go of our day’s expectations and schedule. I contacted her school counselor, teachers, and mentors. I made her favorite comfort foods. I sat with her when she wanted me to and gave her space when she needed me to. We spent the day grieving, and I wasn’t sure how to move us forward.

I may not have known how to inch forward, but I know I am not the only one that feels this way. The devastating news rocked our home community. Friends and loved ones have been shaken to their core, and each one of us is dealing with this differently. I wanted to make sure I was doing the best thing for my grieving daughter, so I spent the majority of the day researching how to help a teenager grieve properly. I want to share two helpful resources. For the sake of our children’s mental health, I highly recommend reading both.

The first one is by Madelynn Vickers called Teen Grief 101: Helping Teens Deal with Loss. My favorite quote from the article reminds me of how important comforting your teen is. It says,

“You should find out what comforts the teen. If it’s watching the deceased person’s favorite movie over and over again, that movie better be on repeat. There are so many ways to help teenagers cope with a loss; you just have to figure out which one works best.”

The second resource was sent to me by my daughters’ counselor. It’s called Talking to Children about a Suicide Loss. The article talks about the importance of speaking truthfully to your child. It says, “It might be harder to truthfully talk about the death of a loved one following suicide without leaving some information out. But not being honest can mean they may fill in the gaps with their imagination or half-truths they hear from others, which can lead to bigger issues, like anxiety. Clear and honest communication reassures children that someone will take care of them physically and emotionally. It also creates a renewed sense of safety, security and trust.”

I expect my daughter to carry the heaviness of her friend’s death with her for a while, as is the norm when facing loss. In fact, I imagine all of us in this community will be under a blanket of sorrow for a while. I hope these resources help you as they helped me.

Please know I am not an expert; I am an imperfect mom at best. But I am also an advocate for children’s mental health. While we may not know what to do in heartbreaking situations like this, these situations are the opportune time to educate ourselves and connect with our children. In fact, it’s the perfect opportunity to check in on their mental health. Parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, youth leaders, tutors, and coaches…please check in with the children in your life! They carry more than we realize. They deal with loneliness, academic demands, social pressure, media influence, relationship stress, and much more.

Collectively and individually, these stressors can cause anxiety as well as depression, which can become too heavy of a burden to bear. Our children need us to reassuringly take their hands and allow them to catch their breath. They need us to walk with them through this life and let them know they are not alone. They need to be assured that while life is messy, we can all get through it together.

This post originally appeared on www.jamieedelbrock.com/blog.

Jamie is married to her high school sweetheart and has three beautiful daughters. Through years of experience working with children, and raising her own, she knows how difficult parenting can be. She is an advocate for children's mental health and is best known for her creativity, optimism, and kind heart.

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Helping Kids Re-Enter Their Post Pandemic Social World

By Jessica Speer

Photo: Canva.com

It was the middle of 5th grade when Ashley’s social world shifted. For the past few years, she and her best friend Maya were inseparable. The pair sat with their larger group of friends at lunch, but it was common knowledge that they were besties. 

Until Maya started sitting at a different table and declining Ashley’s invitations to hang out. There was no distinct falling out between the girls. Things just started to change. 

Maya was getting really into apps and music. Ashley preferred to play the off-line games they usually played together. So without much discussion, the friendship ended, leaving Ashely confused and figuring out where she fits. 

Then, school closed and her activities were canceled due to the pandemic. Over the next several months, Ashley lost touch with a few more friends. Her social world shrank to her extended family and neighbors. She felt eager but nervous to get back to in-person school and restart her friendships.

Post Pandemic Transition

In normal times, friendship changes, and struggles intensify during the preteen years. With the enduring pandemic and social distancing, kids’ social lives are in a whole new state of flux. Some friendships bloomed, some stalled, and others have fallen away. 

As kids head back to in-person friendships, these changes will come into focus. Social groups will be different, new friendship dynamics will emerge, and that’s okay. For many kids and parents, this offers an opportunity to start fresh.

How can parents support kids as they reenter their post-pandemic social worlds?

To start, it’s important to remember that there is no way to avoid discomfort during this phase or any phase of life. Hurt feelings, friendship loss, mistakes, and social struggles happen as kids grow and learn. But there are ways parents can support their child’s journey.

Listen & Empathize  

Now, as much as ever, kids need the empathy and support of their parents. Many kids’ social worlds have turned upside down. Every child needs a trusted adult to listen as they work through challenging emotions and situations. Ideally, this person is supportive, does not give unnecessary advice or get overly emotionally involved. Allowing kids time and space to process their feelings and experiences aloud increases their self-awareness, improves clarity, and reduces anxiety.

Encourage Openness

Young friendships are a bumpy road, filled with change. Parents can help their son or daughter broaden their perspective as they re-enter their social scene. Post-covid friendships may be different, and that’s okay. Friendships and people are always evolving and changing.

Get Involved in Activities

Help your child get involved in activities where they can meet new people. Finding friendships takes time. It helps when kids are in places where they have more opportunities to connect. If your child continues to experience isolation and loneliness, be sure to seek support from a school counselor or other professional. 

Manage Your Stress

It’s easy for parents to get caught up in their kids’ emotions. A daughter’s social struggles may trigger a parent’s own painful memories. Author and researcher Brene Brown described the parental experience of witnessing and identifying with a child’s social travails as a “secondary trauma.” When parents stay grounded and calm, they avoid adding additional stress to their child’s struggles.

Making, keeping, and deciding when and how to part with friends is part of every child’s development. Re-entry into in-person friendships may feel like a crash course in all of these skills. It’s a unique opportunity to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones. It’s a time to start fresh and enjoy some much-needed time together. As kids work through changes and challenges, they learn empathy, gain social and self-awareness, and come to understand the ins and outs of friendship… essential skills that support them now and throughout life. 

This post originally appeared on www.JessicaSpeer.com.

Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences.  Visit www.JessicaSpeer.com to learn more.

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Raising a Child with Autism Can Be Lonely but It Doesn’t Have to Be

By Lauren Emmett

During the years surrounding my son’s autism diagnosis, I could barely say the word “autism” out loud. I thought I would just break down every single time and, frankly, I didn’t have time for that. To be clear, this had nothing to do with shame. Not one day has gone by that I am not immensely proud of this boy.

It was about fear, worry, the unknown, and all the other bumps along the road to acceptance. All a parent could ever want is for their child to be okay.  Autism has a way of tricking your brain into questioning if that will be the case.  There is so much to learn and understand before some of that uncontrollable worry begins to fade.

I threw myself into research. We got on waitlists. I began on the path to truly knowing this boy.

And I wrote. I got it all out. Everything that was too hard to talk about at the time. Processing this kind of information is not easy, and it can be very lonely. This is a big reason why I am here, sharing our story. I never want other families to feel the same confusion and loneliness that we felt at the beginning of this journey.

It has meant so much to me to connect with other autism families, some who are going through the steps to a diagnosis or have a child that was recently diagnosed, and other parents of children of all different ages and abilities.

The main message I want to convey to all these parents is that there will be many times that you will feel alone in this, but you do not have to be. I constantly must remind myself of this.

I cannot tell you how many situations there have been where my knee-jerk reaction was that no one knows how this feels. The same battles, day in and day out, the medical incident reports, medical and educational decisions, the moment I saw AUTISM written on paper in an evaluation about my boy.

I’ll tell you there is not one thing I could tell my fellow parents of children with autism about our life that would shock them. Seriously. The fears, the frustrations, the meltdowns, and all the “inappropriate” behaviors we’ve faced. They get it. They also get how big some of the simple, small victories truly are as well.

Things can still be hard for me to process a lot of the time. Sometimes it seems easier to sit alone with the tough stuff. If you do this, please don’t stay there long. Let someone sit with you.

Find your own way to work through your thoughts and feelings. They are real and should not be ignored.

Talk to someone. You might find this safe person in a waiting room at therapy or the pediatrician’s office, on the playground, or online. If all of this sounds impossible and overwhelming because you can’t even say “autism” out loud yet, that is okay too! It will get easier to talk about and then you will be ready to lean on others.

The best way for your friends and family to learn about autism and support you as a parent raising a child with autism is to tell them. Tell them about your child. Tell them about your struggles, your child’s struggles, strengths, passions, victories, and all the things.

They might not understand exactly how you feel, but they don’t have to. Sometimes talking through things just leaves you feeling better. I promise your people want to support you and celebrate with you and your child, you just have to let them.

I’m not saying you have to wave your autism awareness flag as loudly as I do. We all do this life differently. Find a place that makes you feel supported.

I am so much stronger today than the day I walked out of that psychiatrist’s office with my son’s diagnosis in hand. My whole family is. If you would have told me this back then, I may have not believed you.

My boy is always growing and evolving and most days it feels like autism is always one step ahead of me. It’s like trying to catch and examine the wind. There is still so much unknown to wrestle with.

While I may never understand everything going on inside of this complicated boy, what I do know is that I will never stop trying, and there are so many people here rooting for him.

This post originally appeared on wilsonsclimb.com.

Lauren is a proud mom of two adorable kids, her son Wilson and daughter Charlie. She is constantly learning from her children and loves to share their adventures from the world of autism on wilsonsclimb.com.  Lauren shares her son's journey as one small piece in helping to spread autism awareness around the world.  

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New Research Finds *This* Is the Best Place in the World to Raise a Child

by Erica Loop

Nestlé recently released the results of the brand’s new Parenting Index—and the United States ranks fifth globally in the best places to raise children. The top countries to raise a child based on The Parenting Index are Sweden, Chile, Germany, and Mexico.

The beloved brand’s Index looked at parenting views from more than 8,000 moms and dads of children zero to 12-months in 16 different countries. After analyzing the responses, researchers were able to identify eight universal factors universally impacting parenting practices.

photo: Andrea Piacquadio via Pexels

Pressure ranked as the top factor impacting U.S. parents. Not only did American moms and dads feel pressure for their kids to “have it all,” but they also reported high levels of pressure from others. Other issues U.S. parents reported were social shaming (46 percent of parents), loneliness (30 percent), the baby blues (45 percent) and the desire for greater sharing of parenting responsibilities (51 percent).

Dr. Ming Cui, Professor of Family and Child Sciences at Florida State University and M.S. in Statistics and Ph.D. in Sociology, Fulbright U.S. Scholar, reviewed The Parenting Index methodology and findings. Of the result, Dr. Cui said, in a press release, “Today’s parents are increasingly parenting in a state of anxiety, which can be reflected from findings in this report, such as the external/internal pressure, lack of confidence and financial demands they say they are experiencing.”

Cui added, “Influenced by popular media along with technology advances, many parents from different cultures and socio-economic classes feel pressured to do it all.”

Even though the findings may highlight some of the not-so-great parts of parenting, the results weren’t entirely negative. American parents did report feeling positive in general. They also felt they have access to the health and well-being resources they need.

To learn more about the study’s findings, view The Parenting Index here.

—Erica Loop

 

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How My Son’s Diagnosis Taught Me More about Myself

By Shannon Gainey

mom and baby

Photo: Adventures in Autism with Murphy

I’m Shannon and this is how autism helped me find myself. My true self. I’m the proudest boy mom to the two most amazing boys. One of those boys was diagnosed with autism two years ago and completely changed everything I thought I knew about myself and autism.

The day our “Adventure in Autism” started was the darkest day of my life. I felt like I was being forced to go on a journey I didn’t want to go on. I did everything I could to keep from boarding that plane. I tried for the longest to keep that plane from taking off. I just knew this flight we were reluctantly on was headed to crash and burn. I feared the label, autism, more than anything I had ever feared before. I had feelings of shame. Despair. Loneliness. I talked about autism only when I had to. I never openly told anyone my son was autistic unless they asked. I thought that with enough therapy we would cure autism right away. It would be gone as quickly as it had appeared. No one would ever have to know. I cried at the sight of puzzle pieces and I only acknowledged autism during the month of April.

Through all the resistance our journey continued. Day after day. Month after month. Autism was still there, but so was my son. The son I knew before the diagnosis. The son I had fell so in love with since the first days our eyes met. I started to see that autism had always been there, even in the moments that I had put my blinders on. I quickly came to the realization to not love and accept autism was to not love or accept my son.

Day after day, I started to open up little by little. But I was still very guarded. See autism can be a very controversial and confusing world to an outsider like myself. I never thought our hard was “hard enough” and I didn’t think we were worthy. My son was diagnosed with Level 1.High functioning. He could talk. He played with other kids. He made progress. Everyone I associated with autism had it so much worse than us. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I didn’t want to offend anyone. Puzzle piece or infinity symbol? My son has autism or is an autistic? High functioning? Labels? Was I suppose to celebrate the month of April? Was I a bad parent because I worshipped ABA and all the therapies? I kept quiet. I talked about the good things about autism. My new perspective. My journey to acceptance. The progress my son made. The beauty that this journey had shown me thus far. Every time I got the urge to speak about our hard, I shoved it down. I buried it. I continued to show the Disney side of autism. That’s what people wanted to hear about right? People didn’t want to hear the negative. And then my son regressed.

I watched everything we had worked so hard for the past year disappear slowly. I tried to grasp and hold on to our world as I watched it fall apart. I had found myself once again in a dark place on this journey. Except this darkness was different. This darkness was darker than any black hole. Lonelier than any feeling of isolation I had experienced previously. The presence of even the smallest glimmer of light was absent. The sheer hopelessness of our new reality engulfed me. And so I got mad. Mad at this journey. Mad once again at autism. Or so I thought.

I quickly realized it wasn’t autism that the source of my anger was me. It was me. I was so very angry with myself. I realized that I had created my current reality. I was the one who stayed quiet. I was the one who didn’t think our story was worthy. I was the one that stayed submissive about our journey. I sadly realized that the current reality I found myself in, darkness, loneliness, and isolation, could be my son’s forever reality if the world stayed the way it was.

And so I started talking. I started sharing our worthy story. I started talking about the hard. I started processing my feelings through writing. Our world was still very hard. Sharing our story didn’t have any change that. But I started to notice that I was less and less alone. People willingly boarded the plane with us and joined our adventure. That darkness that I talked about earlier, I started that see a glimmer of light way off in the distance. I finally started to feel our story was worthy. I finally felt we were seen. Seen by my parents. Family. Friends. Other moms. Special needs moms. Moms that had a hard way harder than ours. I started to see that people saw my son in a different light. They saw his challenges, his victories. They were able to celebrate with us! That beautiful perspective autism had shown me early in our journey, I had selfishly kept that to myself.

Now that I was sharing our truth, others were able to see the beauty of this journey through our hard. They were able to join us on our adventure. They wanted to join us on this journey. And so I continued talking. And now a day hasn’t gone by where I don’t talk about our journey. I use to not be able to say the word autism. It was too painful. But what no one told me on that dark day two years ago is how this adventure would not only be an adventure about my son, it would be an adventure that would lead me to myself. My true self. Someone who isn’t ashamed anymore. Someone who speaks up for those that are different so they never have to feel less. Someone who knows the worth of her son and what he deserves. Someone not afraid to share and talk about the hard. Because it’s in the hard, that I truly found myself. My entire life was changed two years ago by one word. But it’s the best change that could have happened to me. It’s a change that I needed in the worst way. It’s a change that more people in this world today need. And for that reason, I will continue to talk and share. I won’t keep quiet. Because it’s the ones that are the most resistant on this journey that need that change the most.

This post originally appeared on Adventures in Autism with Murphy.

Shannon is a proud boy mom, Hairstylist, and passionate Autism Advocate. She lives in New Orleans, Louisiana with her two sons Murphy (5) and Merrick (2).  Murphy was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 3. Follow her family as they journey through Autism together on Adventures in Autism with Murphy Facebook and Instagram page. 

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